Whaddup!

First…

 

HAPPY BERFFFFFDAY!!!

I chose this picture because Kristen Stewart wants IT in this picture as well as her boobs look the biggest they’ve ever looked in their history of usually looking pretty small.

Kristen Stewart’s want turns 24 today.

I saw articles all over Google about her and her ex-boyfrand having a romantic date, but those articles surfaced a good month ago, so I have no idea what’s going on. Not like I care either. I mean if you want to spend your birthday with your ex-boyfriend go right ahead. If I was in Kristen Stewart’s shoes, I’d probably think of something a lot more elaborate than that. Like getting Naughty by Nature to play a concert in my living room. SPENDING THAT TWILIGHT MONEY RIGHT!

I saw K-Stew dyed her hair orange for some movie that I’m sure I’ll regret seeing if I do ever see it. She’s in that movie with Nicholas Hoult, right? He looks like he had his “About a Boy” aged head ripped off his body and stuffed on top of some random 20 year old’s body. It’s the same frickin’ face. You’re fucking this kid’s baby face! IT’S CREEPY! And, that was more directed at Jennifer Lawrence.

Anyway…

There is sad news today…

This beautiful human being died yesterday.

Sadly, the Ultimate Warrior passed at 54 years old and, strangely enough, a mere couple days after he was inducted into the WWE’s Hall of Fame on Saturday. He was inducted into the Hall of Fame, appeared on Monday Night Raw, and died walking to his car with his wife on Tuesday.

The Ultimate Warrior is one of those pro wrestlers who really helped define what’s so magical about pro wrestling that whether you watched every PPV or never watched at all… you knew who the Ultimate Warrior was. He was a maniac in neon colors, but it was all positive. He wasn’t a villain, even when he challenged Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania VI. It was good vs. good in a battle for supremacy.

The Ultimate Warrior was a rebel spirit. A vibrant liberal streak in a conservative world. The Ultimate Warrior was the living embodiment that the fastest way between two points is a straight line whether that means you need to run head first through some things to get there or not. He was an outlaw. A one man army whose allegiance was only to the fans. He was unpredictable and whose flame burned hotter, but faster than most.

If you could only know one thing that summed up the Ultimate Warrior…

He ran to the ring.

He ran to the ring because he wanted to be in there and wresting as fast as his body could carry him.

Rest in peace, the Ultimate Warrior.

WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!

WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Hmmmm…

Well, April Fools?

Nah, I’m not back, but I am.

I haven’t posted in like forever, but I’m still around and I think of all of you so fondly in my head movies at night.

Us together forever riding unicorns through the dreamy deserts!

I sang that in my head when I wrote that… I kind of sing-songed the rhyme of together forever and then just kind of ran with it.

ANYWAY!

I’m still neck deep in this UFC descriptions project. I’ve got another solid month of writing them. And, I think there’s a chance I’ll need to do some more in May as well. They budgeted me for almost all of the descriptions that will go up on UFC’s Netflix-like product Fight Pass, but there are descriptions that need to be written that they didn’t ask me to do and I don’t see anyone else doing them, so I’ll probably end up doing them, but maybe someone else will tackle them while I’m spending the next month doing the ones they already are having me do. WHO KNOWS?!?!?! SO MUCH DRAMA AND INTRIGUE, RIGHT!??!?!!?!?!?!?

Anywhatzzle…

So, what’s even happening anymore?

I signed up for OBAMACARE.

Yep. In my head, when I signed up for Obamacare, a tea party supporter bit the inside of their lip and couldn’t stop biting it for the rest of the day causing all of their meals to be filled with more pain and paranoia than they usually have.

I did see that HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER’s series finale has pissed off the misguided loyalty of its viewers.

I watched a few seasons of the show and stopped when Barney and Robin got together. That was the end of the show for me, but I think it went on for like 5 more years after that or something, so that’s crazy pants that people were still watching it for that long. While the show wasn’t as bad as something like TWO AND A HALF MEN, it was easily one of the most repetitive shows on TV though. You could pretty much watch any episode of that show from any season and never need more than a 10 second prologue to be fully caught up to speed about what’s happening and seemingly can be said for the end of the show.

So, the mom’s dead? And, the kids want their dad to bone Cobie Smulders? I found him to be a terrible narrator, but he’s an amazing father if he got his kids on board with that plan. I would feel like the kids proper reaction after hearing an 8 or so year long story about how the dad was traipsing around NYC getting drunk and hooking up with strange puss for years on end that the kids reaction at the end of the story would be something like, “Dad, you’re fucking gross! WHY DID YOU TELL US ANY OF THAT?!?!?!?! Especially, me your daughter! You have talked endlessly about the complete lack of importance you have ascribed to females’ brains or feelings or thoughts and instead have spent an inordinate amount of time telling me about you and uncle Barney’s misogynist tales of banging! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!? Also, your son will now treat women with the same lack of reverence that you have shown. So, sure, go fuck Aunt Robin because you’re a pervy dad who simply needs our say-so to get your rocks off. You disgust me.”

SABOTAGE bombed.

That was obvious. It bombed worse than most people could have expected, but it bombed like everyone should have expected. That movie looks fucking terrible. Maybe the best part of that movie is that Sam Worthington - CLASH OF THE TITANS and AVATAR – got fat for it and shaved his head and wears this nasty fake goattee braid in the movie. It’s funny to think anyone would ugly themselves up to that point for such an obviously terrible movie, but maybe it’s a strategy because he got paid and no one will remember that he was in it, so it can’t truly hurt whatever future projects his short acting career will have.

Honestly, I liked TERMINATOR: SALVATION. He was in that. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad in my opinion. It was thoroughly watchable and had some decent moments in it.

THE WALKING DEAD is fucking awful.

It’s been awful and it continues to be awful and the season finale was… AWFUL.

Seriously, they typed out that final sentence of – they don’t know who they’re messing with – and thought that was fucking great. Seriously?! We’re like a 1000 seasons into this show and that’s the BEST you’ve got? That’s fucking bullshit. Like bad bullshit. What’s going to happen next season? Oh, probably Rick is going to sneak off into the woods and dig up that bag he buried out there and his unlimited ammo, God weapon revolver will save the fucking day? Ugh… who the fuck cares?! Seriously?!

MAD MEN is starting up.

Just fucking end that show as well! I mean I have to give a lot of credit to that show for its first few seasons, but the last few have been awful. The first few seasons will be in humanity’s debt for ever because it gave us Jon Hamm who is extremely talented, Christina Hendricks who is a decent enough actress although she really doesn’t get to do much, but good Heavens her boobs are more holy than any shroud of Turin, Elisabeth Moss is great, John Slattery is great, January Jones is pretty great although she freaks me out with the whole placenta eating thing, but you can’t blame Mad Men for that, Alison Brie is great and that was really shown in COMMUNITY, uhhh the guy who plays Pete Campbell is great as Pete Campbell, and I don’t know… like a buttload of masturbatory fantasies involving fashion from the late 50′s early 60′s.

BAD WORDS was solid.

Danielle and I watched Jason Bateman’s directorial debut the other night. It was good. It definitely made me laugh a bunch. The pacing was slow and it felt like a lot longer movie than it was, but I did enjoy the movie though.

DIVERGENT? Meh?

I have no desire to see it. I really don’t have much desire to see the next couple HUNGER GAMES movies, but I definitely will. I mean Jennifer Lawrence is fun to look at and I’ve already seen the first two. Honestly, I didn’t like CATCHING FIRE. I liked the first movie. I had issues with parts of it, but I liked it more than I didn’t like it. The second movie really irritated me. I felt like it made less sense and I felt like I was less attached to these people.

It’s tough writing mystery, sabotage, political intrigue, thriller stories. It’s so antithetical that that is what is written for kids or tweens or whoever. Mystery as a genre is very difficult. Actually, creating a mystery and have its truths revealed with the right amount of tension and so forth is about one of the most difficult things someone can do. Meanwhile, mystery is a genre that is usually tackled by some writers who are not writing for a high-minded audience. Mystery novels fill supermarket shelves and essentially most horror movies are mysteries.

It’s like rap music. Rappers are gleefully uneducated, but they’re tackling a genre of music where they more often than not need to write more lyrics, lyrics that rhyme, lyrics that are clever, lyrics that match a particular beat, and so on. Why did they choose such a difficult genre of music? It’s nuts.

Hunger Games couldn’t be more complicated if it tried and yet it’s meant for people who are looking for the breeziest read. Meanwhile, there are highly-regarded dramas that needed to go through the littlest effort in comparison. I’m not saying 12 YEARS A SLAVE was easy, but c’mon it’s a drama about slavery… you show a scene of a slave owner whipping a slave and everyone is on the edge of their seat in tears, meanwhile Hunger Games has alien birds that mimic what they hear or shoot fireballs or something – I have no idea what’s going on in that movie.

Anywayz…

I got an email a bit ago that was confirming the shipment of 6 packs of pepper bacon that Danielle and I ordered the other day, so that’s pretty badass.

Danielle is leaving me this weekend to go drink with her friends on the beaches of Jamaica and she’s trying to make me feel sorry for her about it. Ohhh, I just want to spend that time with you and Coco on the couch watching COPS marathons. … YEAH THE FUCK, RIGHT! Pffffttt… my ass may be dumb, but I ain’t a dumbass. You’re going to be living it up in Jamaica. I’ll be lucky if you return to watch COPS marathons with me without saying, “When I was in Jamaica we would play on the beach. Why don’t we play on the beach?” Women, am I right?

I hope you’re all sexting it up.

I love you all.

!!!!HAPPY HUMP DAY!!!!!

March 19, 2014

WHADDUP!!!!

I mean they both WANT IT.

Anyway, I’m still here.

I just wanted you to know that I haven’t completely abandoned you since last week.

I’m still supes busy writing a million fight descriptions as well as doing some other fight writing, but I’m still out in the ether making jokes and doing things.

I went to a scotch tasting last week. The same scotch tasting I went to last year where I got outrageously drunk. Like I drank so much scotch, I became scotch! And I’m talking like a guy from Scotland. No, I mean I became a highly flammable liquid that carries a smell of burnt wood. That’s what happened to me.

This year, I played it a little cool and simply tried 27 whiskeys instead of let’s say the 35+ that I tried the year before.

Really, the big difference was that I didn’t eat at all at the scotch tasting last year and I did eat there this year. I also managed to get a cup of coffee in me too. I was definitely drunk because you can’t swallow 20 shots of whiskey and not be drunk unless you’re Andre the Giant and, seriously folks, RIP Andre the Giant.

What did I learn this year? Well, Aberlour – one of my 2 favorite scotch distilleries – has hired themselves a rather dapper & dreamy brand guy. Last year, they had a chick there who was a less than capable bartender let alone a walking/talking diplomat for the distillery. She didn’t have any real knowledge of the product or at least didn’t do a good job conveying that she did. This year, they got this guy and him and I had a sort of bromance, which I’m certainly not ashamed of because he poured me a more than healthy serving of Aberlour’s 18 year as the event came to a close.

Better yet, I won a free bottle of booze at the event! GO ME!!!!!

I bought like 50 raffle tickets because if you buy more tickets then you get to try more rare whiskeys. One thing I tried was a bottle of Johnny Walker Red from 1909. Honestly, I do not like Johnny Walker – sorry? – although, I’ll gladly accept a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue if anyone was so inclined to simply give me a bottle, but if you’re cool with spending $200 on a bottle of whiskey for me then I have many suggestions for bottles that I would MUCH MUCH MUCH rather have than a bottle of Blue. Anyway… what did the bottle of Red from 1909 taste like? Well, nothing. It kind of tasted like room temperature tea, but that’s about it. It goes down with many other experiences as simply conversation fodder for a stranger I’m struggling to make small talk with.

As for the bottle I won, it’s a bottle of cognac that apparently is like $200+, which certainly makes the $40 I spent on raffle tickets seem fine, but I don’t really drink cognac. Either way, I got it now. I haven’t tried it yet. I’ve smelled it. It smells incredibly sweet.

What else?

Still engaged. That’s good, right?

We’re looking at wedding venues. Seen one. It’s probably going to be held at that one. Still seeing a couple others. Actually, we’re supposed to see one tonight. I mean I’ll go in with open eyes, a clear heart, and dry pants, but the first place we looked at has a possible Philly cheesesteak station for the cocktail hour. A PHILLY CHEESESTEAK STATION! You know how much that means to me? I went to school in Philadelphia! I lived in Philadelphia for 5 years! I visit Philadelphia fairly often! I am an overweight man who loves to indulge in both cheese and meat on a daily basis! IT’S PERFECTO!

So, weddings, huh?

Not getting married for like a year and a half. Seems so far away, I feel like if we book everything by this Summer then I’ll forget it’s even happening by next Summer. Probably have a moment around March 2015 like – didn’t we already get married or did I make that up?

I hope you’re – still – living an incredibly sexy existence.

BOOYAH!!!!!

THIS MAN IS HUMAN GARBAGE!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

AND…

I WOULD GLADLY CALL HIM AN IDIOT TO HIS IDIOT FACE!!!

..

.

Hello, everybody! How are you?

So, if you were on the fence about whether or not fuck wit Juan Pablo is a fucking idiot, then last night provided a much needed shove to get you off the fence and onto the side of right where everyone else knew that Juan Pablo was a grade A douchebag since the first time he demanded BESITOS! from the ‘girls”.

A friend of my mine referred to Juan Pablo as an EMOTIONLESS KISSING MACHINE and in fact that friend is a 100% correct genius because Juan Pablo is both emotionless and a never ending conveyer belt of kisses for these lovely ladies who he couldn’t give any less fucks about.

Before we get to Clare and Nikki specifically, let’s talk about Juan Pablo’s family and…

HOW THEY THINK HE IS AN UNLIKABLE DICKBAG!

Right?

Clare and Nikki clearly couldn’t give any less of a fuck what Juan Pablo’s family was saying to them. Seriously, no one gave a fuck about what anyone was saying on that show because they were so laser focused on their goal…

Clare’s goal – being in love with Juan Pablo no matter what

Nikki’s goal - winning the show

Juan Pablo’s goal - BESITOS!!!!!!!! ALL THE BESITOS!!! DROWNING IN BESITOS!!! GIVE ME THEM BESITOS!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!

Both Clare and Nikki meet Juan Pablo’s dad, mom, his brother with adult braces who had the squirreliest laugh, his sister, JP’s daughter KAH-MEEL-LA – sidenote: every time JP says his daughter’s name it’s like this Joan Crawford delivery like Camilla is going to come bursting through some French doors wearing this silk robe with her eyes lit with fire, right? -, and JP’s niece… maybe a brother in law? I don’t know, but NONE of them said ANYTHING positive about Juan Pablo. In fact, everything they said about Juan Pablo wore WARNING SIGNS as to why you should NEVER be with that asshat. This is what they said about him…

1. RUDE… that was the #1 thing that his mom, his fucking mom, said about him. She literally called him rude and both Nikki and Clare took that as nothing. They either ignored it or pretended like it was a lost in translation moment. NO! She’s calling her son fucking rude. Fucking snap the fuck out of it! HE’S RUDE! Think about that! To the ladies out there, if your girlfriend was setting you up on a blinddate and she told you that the guy she wants you to meet is “rude” – wouldn’t you think your friend is fucking nuts?! Not only that, but it’s like the first thing she has to say about him. And this is much worse because it’s his mom. Hey, you wanna marry my son, did you notice he’s a rude dickhead? Huh? You didn’t well… you’re an idiot.

2. SIMPLE… That was the closest thing to a positive comment that the mom said about JP. He’s simple. He doesn’t go out and do things. He sits around on the couch and is simple. Sweet.

3. WILL TOTALLY BREAK UP WITH YOU… That’s pretty much the gist of everything that the brother said about Juan Pablo. He’s not a person who sticks through the tough times. He flat out said that to Nikki and she just smiled and pretended like that’s not a horrible thing. Oh yeah, if there’s any problems in the relationship then Juan Pablo has no problem ending it and leaving you forever. Oh yeah?! There’s a great line about men needing approval like women need security… guess the fuck what? There ain’t no security with Juan Pablo… and I know that’s a double negative and I was just joking. THERE IS NO SECURITY WITH JUAN PABLO. He’s a callow, vain, asshole and you two dolts are fighting to get married to him? Unbelievable.

THIS WAS HIS FAMILY SAYING THIS SHIT!!! Seriously, who has a nice word to say about this guy minus the idiot girls chasing after him? I hope each and everyone of the girls who were on the Bachelor realize what fucking shallow idiots they are for giving that moron their besitos. Seriously, he’s a scumbag. And, add to that, let’s talk about his looks – he’s not like a one in a million hunk. Like he’s good looking, but he’s also straight creepy and not at all cool. Like he does baby voices and acts boyish and is utterly incapable of having a conversation. I mean how ugly could have the other bachelors been for this guy to really stick out? I don’t whatever… moving on.

Both Clare and Nikki got ABSOLUTELY NOTHING out of the family meeting because they didn’t learn anything. They didn’t take heed of what the family was telling them and they just smiled and gave more besitos and acted like brainless saps for another day.

BUT… then there was Clare’s helicopter ride.

I LOVE FUCKING YOU!

I wish I had the fucking insight, the fucking brilliance to have put that on a Hallmark card when I proposed last Thursday. Hey, I love fucking you… let’s get married.

For whatever reason, Clare and Juan Pablo were on a helicopter and when they landed there was a period of time with no microphones or cameras and in that moment where Juan Pablo made the decision to say something in secret to Clare — mind you, totally didn’t have to say anything or could have chosen to say just about anything else — and what he told her was that…

A. They didn’t really know each other that well.

and…

B. He loved fucking her.

BOOM-SHOCK-AH-LOCK-AH!!!!

CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE SAYING THAT EVER?!

Can you even imagine that even being said in a movie? Like even in a raunchy sex comedy, I’m sure there’s been something close to that, but never at that insane of a moment. He has time to say like two quick things to her and what he says is that she’s pretty much a stranger and he really enjoyed putting his penis inside of her vagina. Unreal, Hall of Fame shit bag.

AND!!!! SURPRISINGLY!!!!

Clare did not enjoy that comment.

AND!!!! SURPRISINGLY!!!

Clare confronted Juan Pablo about it.

AND!!!! NOT SURPRISINGLY!!!!

Clare allowed Juan Pablo to shit on her more and shit took that as something and she continued to be on the show then took a speed boat to some island looking hot in some dress and stupidly wore high heels on a sandy beach and then walked to meet Juan Pablo and then told him how much she loved him and respected him and had faith in him and then he…

FUCKING FIRED HER ASS!!!! WOOO!!!

Like a cold-blooded super villain, Juan Pablo just sat there and listened and listened to weeks of Clare pouring her heart out to him, fucking him, giving him all the besitos he wanted, and in the end he just broke her heart and dumped her like it was nothing because in the end she was nothing to him… which he had clearly illustrated to her in that helicopter and many times over, but she was in love with him or forced herself to be in love with him for whatever fucking reason.

AND!!! SURPRISINGLY!!!!

Clare got pissed and told Juan Pablo off.

Clare walked away talking some trash on the fool and didn’t want to hear what he had to say, which is good on her, and when she was outside of ear shot… Juan Pablo was like…

GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!

Dude is a fucking shit heel and a half, I’ll tell ya. Amazing stuff from that fucking moron.

After a couple commercial breaks, we’ve got dumbass Nikki in heels taking that same speed boat and wearing an even more revealing dress and is standing in front of Juan Pablo so he can tell her that with an engagement ring in his pocket he would like to…

DATE!!!!

That’s about it.

Seriously, Nikki struts up there nervous as shit and proposes to him basically telling him she loves him and all that and he just blankly stares into her eyes telling her he has an engagement ring in his pocket, but he’s not going to use it and instead would like to keep dating because honestly who knows what could happen with them… and the bitch said sure because she’s a fucking idiot.

And the show ended with sweaty Juan Pablo groping this fine 27 year old doe-eyed moron Nikki and telling her not to get “cranky”.

THAT’S HOW THE FUCKING SHOW ENDED?!!!?!?!?!?!?

Juan Pablo telling the one chick he chose to not get cranky. Fucking unbelievable.

If you’re a guy out there wondering if you’re better or more romantic than THE BACHELOR, GUESS THE FUCK WHAT —- YOU ARE!!! Sitting down with your girlfriend, wife, whatever to watch The Bachelor with her is more romantic than Juan Pablo is St. Lucia dressed in a suit telling Nikki in her dress to not be fucking cranky.

Ugh.

TELL HER YOU LOVE HER, YOU FUCK!

So, the live show “after the final rose” or whatever gave us the behind-the-scenes look at Juan Pablo and host Chris Harrison’s not good relationship. I don’t know if I would call them enemies, but they definitely do not like each other and Harrison was going to try and show what an ass-clown Juan Pablo was.

The main point? Juan Pablo never said he “loved” Nikki.

Supposedly, Nikki and Juan Pablo are still dating although they haven’t seen each other in like 4 months. Either way, Juan Pablo doesn’t say he’s in love with Nikki and only says they’re having a good time. And, that was clearly not enough for Mr. Harrison or Disney or ABC or the people watching the show as Harrison tried to get Juan Pablo to say he loves Nikki or try to get him to understand why it’s odd that he won’t say it meanwhile she has said it to him.

Juan Pablo also contests that Nikki and him will go off and live a private life together, which makes sense BECAUSE THEY MET ON THE FUCKING THE BACHELOR. How on Earth does a person meet someone on a TV show and think that’s the end of it? Why would it be? You didn’t meet her in a private situation. If you were private, you would have done this in private. Instead, you did it on TV and now that that has come back to bite you because you’re an unlikable fuck, now you want everything will be in private.

I couldn’t have given less of a fuck about previous bachelor Sean considering I never watched his season, but the dude came off as a damn reasonable genius and so does his bachelor winning wife as Juan Pablo is like, “Now, we live in private.” and Sean is like, “I just got married on television you idiot because I met this chick on television.” Anyway… JP’s a moron.

The best part of the live episode was when Nikki and Juan Pablo are sitting there, Chris says that Juan Pablo has a surprise for us because he told the producers he has a surprise and so he asks Juan Pablo what the surprise is and Juan Pablo says he has no surprise and doesn’t know what Chris is talking about.

GENIUS!

Juan Pablo totally trolled and pranked and made Chris/ABC/Disney look like idiots – AGAIN!

Amazing, the dude is a fucking piece of shit.

Also, Juan Pablo talked about the people in the computers saying mean shit to him and not saying it to his face. Well, I’m one of those mean people in the computers saying mean shit to him and couldn’t give any less of a flying fuck as to what Juan Pablo thinks and would gladly tell that doofus all this in person. He’s a fucking The Bachelorette contestant, not a former world champion boxer. Who the hell is afraid of telling Juan Pablo he’s a dirtbag to his face? Even his family is calling him it. The only person who seems to not see it is now Nikki.

As for the rest of the girls, well, Sharleen was all gothed up for some reason.

And, Andi is the new The Bachelorette because why the fuck not. Seriously, you get burned by the show, but you don’t fucking care because the allure of being a celebrity is just too damn high. JP did it, so why not Andi, right?

Best part was Andi saying that her job as an assistant district attorney for the city of Atlanta is not her top priority. I really hope someone in the city’s office caught wind of that and may have reconsidered how secure her job will be when she gets back from kissing 30 idiot dudes for the next few months.

In conclusion… not sure I’ll ever watch that show again. That was my first season, good chance it was my last.

WHAT. UP.

Well, loyal readers & readerettes…

or…

Well, people who find this blog because they’re looking for Gail Simmons’ cleavage pictures aka my “soulmates”…

I

GOT

ENGAGED!

BOOM!

Yerp.

All that stuff in those pictures, I gave to this lady and that lady will now marry me. Ain’t that crazy? It feels pretty crazy. I think maybe the craziest part is the idea where I put 4 dozen roses because simply handing said lady a diamond ring that meant that I wanted to officially tell the world that I wanted to marry her with this expensive ass ring — not ass-ring, although judging by me emails with my friends it almost was an ass-ring — and — wait, I’m starting to realize that saying what I said kind of makes the ass-ring comment seem even more absurd than if I didn’t say it at all, just let your mind wander and be rest assured that my friends are perverted lunatics like yours truly… anyway — where was I?

Right! I thought giving her a diamond ring really needed to have some frills added to it with flowers, candles, and champagne because really diamond rings are not enough as is, right? Either way, 4 dozen roses and 2 bottles of champagne and 1 diamond ring.

And she said — Yes.

And cried.

A bunch.

Oh right, “she” is, of course, Danielle aka @_dharv aka valued commenter heyyybrother.

Yep.

Ain’t that fucking nuts!??!?!?!

I MET THAT CHICK THROUGH THIS FUCKING WEBSITE!

THIS ONE!

THE ONE YOU’RE READING RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

HOW INSANE IS THAT?!?!?!?

OK CUPID CAN GO FUCK ITSELF! MATCH.COM CAN GO FUCK ITSELF! PLENTY OF FISH — while I never filled out my profile entirely — CAN GO FUCK ITSELF! NOT ONLY THAT, BARS CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES! … I do love “bars” as an idea, but I’m talking about the dating scene at bars in general… FUCK ALL Y’ALL’S TIRED ASS NEVER HELPED ME FIND A LADY! 

You know what did find me the love of my life —> THIS MOTHERFUCKING BLOG! 

HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION?!?!?!?! I FOUND HER THROUGH THIS RIGHT HERE!!!

Actually…

SHE FOUND ME THROUGH THIS FUCKING WEBSITE!!!! 

Seriously, she found me. That’s nuts. It’s all crazy and I’m so happy it happened.

I mean what is this website? Well, it is a reflection of me and my humor and my crazy brain.

But, what is this website… really? It’s in the fucking title, people!

KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT!!!!!

OH MY GOD! LOOK HOW MUCH SHE FUCKING WANTS IT! THIS PHOTO IS FROM FUCKING LAST YEAR AND SHE STILL WANTS IT AS BAD AS EVER! LOOK AT THAT SHIT! HOLY CHRIST! IT’S AMAZING THE FILM FROM THE CAMERA DIDN’T IGNITE INTO FLAMES LIKE THAT SCENE IN GHOSTBUSTERS 2 WITH VIGO THE CARPATHIAN AND THE KRAMER HAIRED DWEEB JANOSZ IN THE DARK ROOM! REMEMBER THAT SCENE?!?!?! IT NEVER GETS OLD! LOOK AT ALL THAT FUCKING WANT! IT’S TOO MOTHERFUCKING MUCH TOO TAKE! THE WANT IS SO FUCKING POWERFUL THAT IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER THAT KRISTEN STEWART IS WEARING A QUINCENEARA-INSPIRED BEDAZZLED TOP!!!!

WOOO!!!!

I remember it like it was yesterday. Sitting in my cubicle at Schering-Plough deciding that I would watch TWILIGHT with the sound off just to see what the deal was with this movie because 3 of my co-workers — two of them being single females and one being a married Polish gentleman — wouldn’t shut up about it and I thought -> How bad could it really be? It’s about vampires! And, vampire movies “suck” as in they’re “sucking terrible” in general. There were maybe two good vampire movies that had been made at the time and one of them was the almighty BLADE and the other was probably BLADE: TRINITY. Honestly, as alluring as vampires are – movies that have been made about them are terrible. It’s amazing that BRAMS STOKER’S DRACULA starring Gary Oldman wasn’t seen as a spoof on Brams Stoker’s Dracula because it is HILARIOUS and RIDICULOUS. Maybe one of the funnier movies you’ll ever watch. Anyway…

Sitting in my cubicle, I saw it. I should, I saw IT. IT!

I saw Kristen Stewart and her motherfucking WANT.

IT’S A FUCKING LASER PLUS THE BUNNY TEETH! HOW CAN BUNNY TEETH WANT IT THIS BADLY!!??!?!?!?!

I had no clue — repeat, NO CLUE — what was happening in that damn movie. Thoroughly confused by everything from the way the people looked and the wigs, why did everyone seem like such a fucking dork, all the time spent in the forest, but most of all… I could figure out the simplest thing —> who did this Kristen Stewart want because it seemed like she wanted EVERYBODY.

Yeah, she WANTED the pale faced 30 year old high school kid who can stop cars with one hand and run around the forest with her on his back and run up trees like a fucking weirdo.

But…

Kristen Stewart also looked like she totally wanted that creepy Native American, cousin It who seemed to know her dad…

But…

Was that her dad? Or was it her older lover because Kristen Stewart looked like she totally wanted that sad sack sheriff…

But…

Did she also want those nerdy kids who tried to be her friend at school? Because Kristen Stewart wanted the shit out of all of them. I’m not going to say especially Anna Kendrick – although that would be amazing and I’m still cool writing that Helen Keller/Anne Sullivan movie where it really delves into their lesbian backstory – because frankly Kristen Stewart’s want seemed to be more than enough for everyone to receive intense amount of want eye-fucking.

But…

There was, of course, that Native American guy in the wheel chair…

Or what about the powder faced people in the awful blonde wigs? Kirsten Stewart totally wanted them! And, there was that other girl with the early-SNL Tina Fey hair cut. Kristen Stewart wanted that chick’s spiky hair! The black dude with dreads?! How could I forget about that guy? Kristen Stewart wanted him too! You know what else? Kristen Stewart totally wanted the shit out of the dumbest scene in movie history when the vampires played old-timey baseball in a thunderstorm and I legit almost put my foot through my computer monitor while screaming “THERE’S NO HOPE FOR THE CHILDREN OF OUR FUTURE!”

Anyway, I finished watching the movie including its confusing as fuck ending with the “fight scene” aka “pushing contest” taking place in the complete dark that I had no clue who was doing what to whom and I went Kristen Stewart’s IMDB page and I went to Google pictures of Kristen Stewart and EVERY picture I saw was the same thing…

FUCKING WANT!

Whether she’s dressed up like some Oklahoma hobo, she fucking wants IT.

And, I told some people about it and they agreed.

And, then I decided to start a free blog about it to open the eyes of others and to hopefully find it amusing.

And, sure enough, the completely expected next thing happened…

I FOUND MY FUTURE FUCKING WIFE!

Weird, right?

And she lived like 30 minutes away.

Fucking grade-A hilarious and weird and I’m so thankful that it did happen, obviously.

So…

Yeah.

I’ve met a lot of great people in general because of this site. Something that I absolutely never expected, but I have met a lot of great people because of this site. I think this site helped me get a few comedy writing articles on AOL’s men’s site Asylum and ladies’ site Lemondrop. And, I ended up meeting Danielle because of this site and we’ve been together for 3.5 years, own a house together, own a pitbull together who has the softest head in the history of soft-kind, and, now, we’re engaged (Danielle and I, not the dog and I – all though we do spend an inordinate amount of time together).

I’m not sure what I’ve learned through all of this. I guess not being afraid of being yourself because you can never guess what another person will find alluring about you, so keep being you and there’s a good chance someone will fall in love with your insanity because that happened here at least.

And…

I really wish Kristen Stewart knew that this happened. I think it’s pretty funny and would be surprised if she or really anyone didn’t find this the least bit amusing. Of course, Kristen Stewart has an open-invitation to the wedding as well… all she needs to do is WANT ONE!

WHADDUP!?!?!?!?!?!

Last night was the highly-anticipated REUNION SHOW where las niñas would get the opportunity to voice their bitter opinions about our hunky dummy extraordinaire JUAN PABLO!

WOOOOOOO!!!

By the way, NIÑAS? Juan Pablo referred to these grown women that he’s supposedly intending to marry as “niñas”. I took Spanish for like 8 years, so at the very least I know that niñas does mean “girls”, but is that how Spanish speaking guys really refer to girls as niñas? Honestly, I feel like they don’t. I feel like niñas is how Google translator would refer to girls or how an abuela – grandmother – would refer to some small children that were in fact female. Not like girls as in chicks you’re mouth banging. Could be a fine line, but I feel like it exists. I would think guys would say something more along the line of señoritas or bonitas – basically, “pretties” – or chicas or something like that and not niñas. Unless, that person really did think of them as these little girls, which, honestly, Juan Pablo and his rampant misogyny could be that guy.

I don’t know. Just saying…

REUNION!!!!

What happened on the reunion?

Well, we got to hear the voices and opinions of a bunch of bitches that we had not heard speak once before and that includes host Chris Harrison. 

Where the fuck has this guy been all season? I heard he and Juan Pablo didn’t gel, so where’s the fucking footage? How fucking unprofessional is it that the HOST of the show couldn’t be a professional enough to get along with the star of the show to the point that there’s been any footage of the two of them talking. So, first off, fuck Chris Harrison for doing a shitty job. 

Also, fuck Chris Harrison because he’s an awkward as fuck interviewer. 

Ok… whew… just had to get that out of my system.

So, what REALLY happened on the big reunion show?

Well, for the first 8 minutes of the show it went something like this…

PENIS JOKE -> PENIS JOKE -> MUPPETS!

I’M BEING MOTHERFUCKING SERIOUS AS A HEART ATTACK THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED ON DISNEY’S FLAGSHIP NETWORK AT THE TOP OF THE 8 O’CLOCK IN THE EVENING HOUR.

On the American Broadcasting Company’s network channel, Chris Harrison invited former Bachelor Shawn something or other onto the show with his season winner/wife whose name thoroughly escapes me. Why? Well, I didn’t watch that season or any season besides this season and the lion’s share of their discussion was about SHAWN’S PENIS. 

First up, the chick’s got bangs. BANGS! Bangs are a fucking huge deal to women. It’s like in the top 5 biggest decisions of all-time for women is bangs. BANGS! Anyway, she pulled the trigger and has BANGS!

Following, that it was penis time. Apparently, Shawn was a virgin and he got married to this chick pre-bangs (I guess he was pre-bangs too, if you know what I mean. WOOO!!!) and he finally got his dick wet and nut off and all this other stuff on their wedding night and we’re talking about it at 8:04pm on network television. 

Chris asks how it went… meaning vaginal intercourse with his erect and never used penis… and Shawn says “fireworks” and bangs says “quick fireworks”. UHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

We’re talking about this guy shooting semen in an untimely too quick fashion on the same channel that just had Wheel of Fortune on no less than 6 minutes earlier. THIS IS INSANE!

Chris Harrison then says, “I know how you feel” or something to Shawn. IS CHRIS HARRISON A PREMATURE EJACULATOR TOO?!?!?!? WHAT AM I WATCHING?!?! I DIDN’T TURN ON THIS TV PROGRAM TO LEARN ABOUT THE EJACULATION HABITS OF YOUR PENIS, YOU SICK FUCKS!

Next, Shawn says that they went somewhere for the honeymoon and they went swimming and then a stingray bit his penis.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING AGAIN?!!?!

A sea creature bit this guy’s dick?! THAT’S HORRIFYING! That is absolutely fucking terrible and horrifying that any creature would bite your dick let alone an animal from another species. This guy’s penis was attacked by a hostile aquatic terrorist and he can’t reason with it because it’s a fucking stingray – the thing that killed “The Crocodile Hunter”. It’s crazy and everyone is laughing.

Honestly, I think the whole story was made up and Shawn didn’t have a stingray bite his penis and it was just made up bullshit some The Bachelor writer told him to say, which might make it that much more perverse. I don’t know. I was legitimately horrified by everything that I was hearing… 

then the show cut to some skit that Juan Pablo and Chris Harrison did with the Muppets. 

AM I FUCKING CRAZY OR IS THAT FUCKING CRAZY?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!

Anyway…

What about the niñas?

Kelly - remember the wonky-eyed chick who was allowed to have a dog, which I don’t think they ever explained why she was allowed to have that dog? If you remember who that is then good for you, but either way that chick wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Like WOULD NOT shut the fuck up. Kelly never had a one-on-one date with Juan Pablo, was never shown kissing Juan Pablo, was never really shown interacting with Juan Pablo minus when Juan Pablo made the girls eggs for breakfast and she saw him first and didn’t say hi or hug him or anything and simply ran upstairs in fear to tell the other girls. 

So, that chick wouldn’t shut up. 

Also, Lauren S. who was “famous” for being the chick that wasn’t Andi or Alli and got shutdown by Juan Pablo for kisses then she brokedown crying and got kicked off the show with the big boobed Elise. Anyway, Lauren S. was highly unmemorable and she had a lot to say as well.

You know who didn’t have a lot to say - CHELSIE. SHE DIDN’T SAY A SINGLE FUCKING WORD. The chick was in the top 5 and her boobs looked great per usual and she didn’t say a single word on the show. They never said, “Hey, Chelsie, what do you think considering you did go on a one-on-one date with Juan Pablo and were in the top 5?” Nope. Never said a word.

Renee, Sharleen, and Andi all got one-on-one time with Chris Harrison. To say what? Well, Renee’s got a boyfriend, so that nixes her being the next The Bachelorette. She didn’t say anything negative about Juan Pablo, so that was a bust. Sharleen just proved even more so that she could be a virgin as well considering how thoroughly flustered she gets even thinking about hunky dummy Juan Pablo. And, Andi said she was single, so she is probably going to be the next The Bachelorette like everyone is rumoring. 

Andi talked about Juan Pablo with some negativity, but no more than she did in the last episode and if anything she really started defending Juan Pablo on some of his actions. Which was not what any of us were expecting. 

What was really gleamed from all of this?

This chicks are idiots. Or BIGGER idiots than we expected. 

Most of the reunion was spent harping on Juan Pablo referring to Renee and Cassandra as his “special ones” because they were mothers. Well… … … … … … WHO THE FUCK CARES?! Why is that an issue? I couldn’t even comprehend how that is an issue considering it didn’t amount to anything! Not only did it not amount to anything in their favor – it was actually what got them kicked off the show in the end. Juan Pablo kicked Cassandra off early — and on her motherfucking birthday I might add — because she was a mother. Then Juan Pablo totally kicked Renee off the show after he met Renee’s son because she had a son. That’s it. He had a great hometown visit with her. He had a terrible visit with Andi, but he kept Andi over Renee because Andi hadn’t shat out a kid yet.

So, “special ones” or not – who the fuck cares you, dolty dolts?!?!

The girls tried to talk about how the show wasn’t fair – like who gives a fuck you idiots – but none of them really went after the only two who were really shown preferential treatment and that was the final two of Nikki and Clare.

They brought Clare a little because chicks HATE Clare. But thankfully Andi defended Clare because what Clare did was not “wrong”. So, what’s Clare’s big problem? That Juan Pablo cannot keep his fucking hands & mouth off of her? Is that Clare’s problem? Juan Pablo has clearly favored Clare from the beginning, which is the natural of the show or, honestly, humanity. Oh, he likes one more than the others?! That’s the whole point! He’s choosing one of you broads in the end, clearly he likes Clare. Anyway… so Clare’s big moment was that she went to his hotel room and they went skinny dipping or something. Andi said what really the only rational idea about this is – she had the lady balls to do it and guess what it worked. So, good to Clare. 

They did harp on that Clare and Juan Pablo went for a hot tub make out session during a group date. Well, that’s on Juan Pablo. If Juan Pablo doesn’t feel like talking to you bitches and would rather tongue fuck Clare in a hot tub then I’m guessing she’s getting the rose and not you. Nature of the show! 

MEANWHILE! No one has said dick about Nikki meeting Juan Pablo’s daughter. NO ONE!

Am I crazy or did that happen? Nikki never told any of the girls that she met his daughter? Blabber mouth Juan Pablo never said it? The girls after watching the show have no thought that one of them got to meet Juan Pablo’s daughter and family and none of the others did? That’s a big fucking deal that no one ever talks about. Plus Nikki butted into people’s one-on-one times during group dates numerous times because she’s a bitch and they all should hate her, but they don’t because they’re fucking idiots. 

The only solid moment on the reunion was when Victoria, aka the chick who the first night got so drunk she had a mental breakdown in a locked bathroom stall and was kicked off the show, she called Juan Pablo out on his shit hiding behind this “English as a second language” for all his communications problems. They didn’t really go into it, but she said it and God bless her for that It’s not English being his second language as why he’s having trouble communicating – it’s because he’s a vapid dummy who doesn’t give a shit about these chicks is why he’s having trouble communicating with them. 

Also, Kelly tried to bring up Juan Pablo being a homophobe, which he promptly told her he would talk about that off air for an hour with her… so what? Either way, Juan Pablo said something I HATE hearing from people when they’re defending themselves about being homophobic is that “they’re born that way”. Yeah, so because it’s a pre-existing condition you won’t judge them, but if it wasn’t then you would? Their only saving grace is that they couldn’t choose to do their actions, but if you did choose those actions then you’re a sinner or a terrible person or whatever? Seriously, dudes kissing dudes, chicks kissing chicks – I still have no idea what the big deal is. I really don’t know how it is offensive whether they were born that way or chose to be that way. Who fucking cares?! Have a fucking field day kissing people who want to kiss you, a fucking field day with it.

WHAT ELSE?

Clare and Nikki look like they’re crying their fucking eyes out in the next/final episode.

More and more it seems like people are thinking Juan Pablo isn’t going to select anyone like the legendary Brad Womack. 

Juan Pablo’s family seems to be warning these girls instead of inviting them to be with their son.

So, yeah. Got a million questions left unanswered about what “really” happened on the show because they never explain anything… like what’s the deal with Juan Pablo taking Nikki on that date to the Miami Marlins stadium and telling her that it’s his “office”? What the fuck was that about? Isn’t Juan Pablo a sham music agent or something? 

Anyway… one more week.

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