PACIFIC RIM Looks So Stupid, And I’ll Still Going To See It

Howdy y’all,

Let’s talk a little about how motherfucking stupid PACIFIC RIM looks and sounds.

It’s not even just about the looks. It looks pretty stupid, but it SOUNDS even stupider or more stupid or just fucking stupid.

Wasn’t that stupid?

- Pacific Rim > Transformers?

That’s about the most positive thing I can possible say about this movie. As far as the visuals of the movie, the fight scenes between these giant alien monsters versus these giant robot monsters look just as good if not better than anything shown in the three Transformers movies. I think it looks better than the Transformers movies in that there’s no whining Shia LAH-BOOF running around screaming OPTIMUS!!!! or BUMBLEBEE!!!! which is almost half of that trilogy.

But the action looks pretty similar. A bunch of fairly indestructible adversaries just teeing off on each other and buildings are blown to smithereens beside them. I mean it’s not original and it’s almost getting done to death, but it’s still entertaining to this point. And, that’s coming from a guy – me – who really does like monster movies. I love Godzilla and King Kong and their subsequent pro-wrestling style movies where they battle Mothra and other ginormous characters that are like themselves. I do enjoy those type of movies, which is 90% of the reason I’m going to see Pacific Rim.

- Everything else looks fucking stupid

Well, it does.

The other 10% of the reason why I’m seeing this movie is to see HOW STUPID it all gets.

In the trailer above, there’s a moment where the good robot grabs what appears to be either a shipping tanker or an oil tanker, but some type of tanker and drag it through the city streets of some city and then whip it around over their head and come crashing down it over the alien’s head like it was a baseball bat. While some may think that is “cool”, it is fucking so fucking stupid.

It’s tough to throw any logic into a movie that is obviously fantastical, but is part of the fantasticalness that there is a densely urban city out there with streets wide enough for a fucking tanker to be swung around? Because there isn’t a city like that. Do you know how fucking wide a ship like that is or how heavy it is or how tall it is or how completely non-elastic it is that even some robot couldn’t pick it up and whip it around like it was twirling around a fucking samurai sword or something?

As people are for whatever reason criticizing “Man of Steel” about it’s death and destruction toll, they should have a fucking field day with just about every visual moment in this trailer.

- The “science” is going to be RIVETING

By a show of hands, who here is fucking so fucking ready to hear about the “science” behind these robots? BECAUSE I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT!

I’m so psyched to hear about why they need two pilots, why their memories and brains need to be linked, how that is even possible, and so on and so on. That is going to be fucking BRILLIANT.

I’m really hoping there needs to be two pilots because it’s a size issue. Like the human brain can only power a robot of 40 feet in size by itself. So, this is an 80 foot robot, so we need two pilots. That’s what I’m specifically rooting for. We simply have a size restraint to how far our brain can power something, which is also completely needlessly stupid. Why does your brain have to be connected to this machine AT ALL? We don’t connect the brains of actual pilots into that of a fighter jet or really absolutely anything that we use. Why would you need this to be jacked into your head… ESPECIALLY if you’re still moving your arms and legs around in the head of the robot. I could almost see why if you were miles away in a pod somewhere and you’re controlling the robot with your mind through a really great wifi connection or something.

Anyway, there’s going to be a lot and I do mean A LOT of hilarious stupid science in this movie and I cannot wait. I’ll never understand why a director who just wants to make a popcorn munching blow ‘em up movie needs to also make a movie with the most complicated amount of plot and pseudo-science, but it’s always been that way and continues to be that way.

Our minds, our memories become connected. Why? Man and machine become one. Also, why? Even better, why does your machine need to know your memories and why does your co-pilot need to know them as well. There are way too many storylines that could splinter from that idea that it is so completely needless. I mean are they going to really explore how a person is going to know even the weirdest most secretly embarrassing moments of this character’s life? If not, then why do they need this plot point in it?

- The VO is PRICELESS in its IDIOCY

We’re taking Charlie Hunnam’s completely one note American accent from the small screen to the silver screen in this movie. Using the EXACT same monotone gruff voice as he uses for Jax on “Sons of Anarchy”, Charlie Hunnam is playing a mech pilot in the same unanswerable light as Sam Worthington did in “Avatar”. Either way, what that boring sounding VO is saying is exquisite… ly stupid.

These aliens first attacked San Francisco. Then Manila. Then Cabo.

CABO?!

As in Sammy Hagar?! They attacked Cabo. I am literally doing Charlie’s throaty breathy “Cah-bo” as if that fucking mattered at all. Terrorists could attack Cabo in real life and I doubt anyone would give a flying fuck. Cabo?! This has got to be the first and only time when someone has ever said anything about Cabo in a serious tone.

CABO?! OH GOD NOT CABO! ANYWHERE BUT CABO! FUCK THOSE PEOPLE IN SAN FRANCISCO! THEY WERE ASKING FOR IT BEING DEMOCRATS AND GAY AND ROOTING FOR A QUARTERBACK WITH TATTOOS! BUT NOT CABO!!!!! HOW WILL WE CONTINUE WITHOUT CABO?!! WE NEED TO GET THE MILITARY INVOLVED! WE NEED TO GET EVERY COUNTRY’S MILITARY INVOLVED!!!! GET ME A MAN WITH A GRUFF VOICE AND NO INFLECTION IN HIS VOICE TO PILOT AN ENORMOUS ROBOT WITH A YOUNG SPRITELY GIRL TO FIGHT THESE MONSTERS THAT ATTACKED CABO!!!! GET ME A BLACK MAN WITH A BRITISH ACCENT!!! PEOPLE THIS IS SERIOUS!!! THIS IS CABO WE’RE TALKING ABOUT!!! CABO!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously?! He says that they learned this was not going to stop once the aliens hit Cabo. CABO?! It’s fucking ridiculous. RIDICULOUSLY STUPID.

- Why is this movie called “Pacific Rim” and not “ROBOTS VERSUS ALIENS” or something

How many people are going to think about giant robots fighting giant aliens when they hear the completely ambiguous geographic statement of “Pacific Rim”? 10 people, maybe 12. A dozen people at best.

So, stupid. Why call this “Pacific Rim”? Because the “kaiju” aka alien monsters came from a crack in the “Pacific Rim”? That’s a fucking terrible fucking reason. Why are you seeing this movie? To see robots fighting alien monsters. What does that have to do with the Pacific Rim? The posters of this stupid movie are all of these big ass robots and nothing about the robots have anything to do with the Pacific Rim. It’s about robots. Shouldn’t the title mention robots? The robots are not from the Pacific Rim. The robots are not called Pacific Rim Robots. They’re actually called Jaegers or something like that which has nothing to do with the Pacific Rim as far as I know.

Robots vs. Aliens … makes a million times more sense. Some people might say that Pacific Rim sounds more serious and not as B-movie as Robots vs. Aliens sounds, but you’ve got to be fucking kidding me if you don’t think this is a $200 million B-movie.

Anyway…

I’ll see it. It’s got robots vs. aliens in it.

Happy (belated) Father’s Day… To All You Awkward Dads

Hello there, latent alcoholics and alcoholicettes!

Am I the only one that things a “Singapore Sling” sounds racist?

ANYWAY…

Today, I want to post a series of pictures of celebrities and their dads, which I saw on Yahoo on Sunday to celebrate Father’s Day. I’m not sure how much it actually “celebrated” it as much as it pointed out that we never see these dads and for good reason because they’re EMBARRASSING. Why are dads so fucking weird? SERIOUSLY!

Answer the following question: Why are so many dads just crazy awkward?

I do not know. I wish I did.

I wish I knew the answer because if at some point I do have children… I’ll be the dad. I’ll be the dad that will eventually probably most likely be looked at as the awkward dad just like these men are that I’m about to show you. AND… I don’t have a good starting off point because this was me just on Sunday…

THAT COULD TOTALLY BECOME AN AWKWARD DAD! … (and no I’m not sponsored by Coffeemate, although that would be nice)

And by that, I mean me. ME?! Ugh, it’s scary how much this is a very real possibility. Not only becoming a father, but eventually becoming a father that is seen as a complete and utter dork. WHY ARE DADS SO DORKY? HUH?! ANSWER ME GOD!!!!

ANYWAY…

I guess I should start posting these pictures… AWKWARD DADS!!!! ASSEMBLE!!!!

uuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

It looks like Leo is staring someone down and saying with his eyes, “Yes, that is my dad. Yes, I know he looks like he’s in a Saturday Night Live sketch. And if you dare say something about him, I’ll use my lifetime of Hollywood connections to have your asshole raped by a team of stunt men.”

Learn something new every fucking day… Leo’s dad’s name is George and he’s a comic book artist, which is honestly EXACTLY how comic book artists look. So, he may look awkward as Leo’s dad, but he looks par for the course for his employment.

Nevertheless, I imagine there are a few women out there who tried so hard to get into Leo’s pants for the rest of his life and then somehow saw his dad and worried that he too may adopt that look later on and that scared them out of their fantasy wedding with Leo.

IT’S THE WANTESS!!!!

I don’t know what Kristen Stewart wants, but she always fucking WANTS IT!

What is she looking at? Like a pigeon in the rafters of this airport or she noticing the ABSURD sunglasses her dad is wearing? I don’t know, but she wants IT though. Look at those eyes! THEY’RE LASER FOCUSED AND MOUTH AGAPE.

Anyway, I do like her Nike jacket. Just do it… as they say.

Kristen Stewart’s dad? I would not have guessed that. That mustache is out of this world. It’s a lighter color than his skin. That’s crazy. And his hair is luxurious. I don’t really know what to think about this guy outside of he could easily play a roadie, a mad scientist, or a semi-deviant mystery novelist. Like he writes these novels, but also takes a lot prescription pain killers for funzies.

Oh my heavens.

So, we’re batting 1000 right now. We’ve had three beautiful celebrities who are hip and popular and then their dads legit look like someone who should be barred by court order from being within 100 yards of them.

I know Katy Perry used to be a Christian singer or something, but her dad’s cross/overall look is that of a former nudist colony leader. Honestly, I think these three dads would look great together. Their kids would look great together. But never should the dads and these kids of theirs ever cross paths again.

While you can’t really see it in this picture, David Beckham is easily one of the best looking men to ever come from that fucking island hovering North and West of Europe. Meanwhile, his Dad looks like just about British guy over 50 you’ll meet absolutely anywhere on that damn island.

I don’t know if that means Beckham’s mom is a stone cold fox or that legitimately anyone can have a gorgeous kid by sheer fucking luck.

Denise Richards and some guy who works at this park area doing the right thing and helping this woman and her kids with her bags back to her car.

Seriously! This guy produced a human being who for a time was like the sexiest fucking thing on this planet. That’s incredible, right? And here he is with his jeans awkwardly undecided if they are going inside or outside his boots and carrying her shit around.

I’ll tell you one thing… this ain’t the most awkward dad in this family tree – not by a LONG shot. Jon Voight is a fucking weirdo. I don’t care if you love him or hate him – that dude is still a fucking weirdo.

Probably the least awkward dad of these dads so far, but I think everyone expected Brad Pitt’s dad to be like a Robert Redford look-a-like. They seem to have the same eyes.

I’m not going to say it.

It’s probably just a strange picture and before then they were playing tackle football and shooting AK-47s.

Yahoo’s KIND OF hinting at the “IT” that I’m not going to comment on or maybe I’m just reading into things… “Clearly, Hugh Jackman’s father, Christopher, really enjoyed “Les Misérables”!”

Clearly.

Ok, so, we all think Hugh Jackman is gay. And, here’s a picture of his dad wearing a sort of flamboyant outfit and no matter how much I look at this I can only imagine Nathan Lane’s voice coming out of his dad’s mouth in this picture.

I don’t really know which one is the awkward one, but they look pretty awkward together.

Who the fucking fuck is this? Jason Mraz? That’s what Jason Mraz looks like?! HAHAHAHAH!!! He looks like a fucking WEIRDO. Am I the only one who has seen a picture of Jason Mraz and thought he looks like a weirdo? Man, he looks freaky as hell in this picture.

His dad looks like somewhat scared and completely befuddled as to why this weird is taking a picture with him, but it’s happening nonetheless.

I can’t stop looking at Mraz’s hair and face and well his brown hand with the finger point.

I don’t have a clue who this woman is, but her dad looks like a living breathing Peter Griffin from “Family Guy” and with him being beltless there is a constant fear you’ll see his no doubt tighty whitey underwear if he makes a sudden move.

Why is he carrying a tote bag?

…

Dads are awkward.

I Am Both Spoiled By My Girlfriend And By My Dog

Good Monday!

I had a fairly decadent weekend for my 30th birthday weekend and I really can’t and am not looking to complain about it at all.

Friday…

Danielle and I ate dinner as people usually do, but we decided to take in as dessert the newest Superman reboot MAN OF STEEL. Probably tomorrow, I’ll review the actual movie of MAN OF STEEL(!), but I’ll say right now that I really liked it.

This 2.5 hour movie plus the 30 minutes we used to leave early thinking the place would be packed plus the inordinate amount of trailers played before the movie made this grand total of away time about 3 hours and 20 minutes. This would be the first 3 hours and 20 minutes that our new dog, Coco, would have ever been left alone in our house. So… the idea of who would win between Superman and General Zod for the fate of humanity was much less thrilling of a question that needed to be answer than what would Coco tear up or do to our living room when we leave her for an extended period of time for the first time.

As noted many times over, the first time my parents ever left their first dog Nikki – a West Highland white terrier who was the greatest – in their apartment many many many Moons ago in Baltimore, they came back to an entire section of their wallpaper torn from the wall.

Years later, my family’s first golden retriever Rusty – who was also the greatest – tore apart an entire sectional couch.

What would our shelter pup Coco do?

Well…. DRUM ROLL PLEASE…. nothing.

SHE DID NOTHING! GOD BLESS AMERICA! GOD BLESS THE AMERICAS! NORTH AND SOUTH! ALL OF THE AMERICAS!

I do own a camcorder with a built-in harddrive, so I decided to set it up in the corner of the room for this momentous occasion. And when we got home, the mystery of Coco’s evening was revealed to be her SLEEPING ON THE COUCH IN ONE SPOT FOR THREE FUCKING HOURS! Actually, the same spot she’s currently occupying and sleeping on at the moment.

We watched the videotaped precedings and saw that she walked around for about 10 minutes, sat on the couch for 10 minutes looking around, and then slept for the remainder of the time until Danielle and I walked into the house.

It was a great relief and hopefully it continues that way. HOPEFULLY!

Saturday…

That was my berfday and as mentioned on Thursday’s post – I had no fucking clue what Danielle was going to get me. I’m still baffled by what she got me in the greatest way. It’s too much.

The present is a trip for the two of us to Las Vegas on 4th of July weekend and to go see UFC 162, which is happening that Saturday.

I’m still shocked by the whole thing and I love it, but I’m too self-deprecating to think that I deserve it. But that’s neither here nor there considering it happened and it is amazing nonetheless.

While I did not guess a trip to Vegas by any stretch of the imagination… if we did stretch the imagination… Two of my guesses are kind of right…

1. A gun

We will definitely be shooting guns at The Gun Store in Las Vegas.

10b. Something sports related that makes me feel like a homosexual

Let’s fly to Las Vegas to see grown half-naked men roll around in an eight sided cage, baby! WOOOOO!!!

Super exciting!

Honestly, I can’t wait. I feel very lucky that this is what my life is.

Besides the crazy gift, Danielle cooked us surf-n-turf of lobster tails and filets and mashed potatoes. I helped some, but she really didn’t want any help from that night. It all turned out wonderful and I was stuffed watching UFC 161 which was on Saturday night. While those fights were pretty pathetic, everything else that day was excellent, so no complaining at all.

Sunday…

Danielle and I had a barbecue for my parents, Danielle’s mom, my sister and her boyfriend. It was to celebrate my birthday and father’s day, but it was really for everyone to meet Coco. And Coco did great with all the people. Coco even did great with a few of the people trying to get Coco to start some bad habits that she currently doesn’t have. Not sure why that was the goal of some of these people, but who the fuck knows. I guess it’s like aunts and uncles spoiling a child that is not their own.

But… Dad… can you not try to get the dog into eating sticks! Why would I want Coco into eating sticks?! It’s a habit you try to stop a dog from having and you are for whatever reason trying to put the idea into her head like a lackluster reboot of Inception in my backyard. She doesn’t eat sticks, why would you want to get her to start?

Baffling.

Anyway…

It was an excellent weekend.

I hope you had a great weekend.

FEET DON’T FAIL ME NOW – IT’S THE WEEKEND!

Good day to all of yous!

What is there to talk about?

- I already talked about Man of Steel.

I want to see it. Most of you want to see it. I’m looking forward to it.

I have been thinking a lot about comic books and their movies and why they don’t translate well. Usually, it is because of a bad director and having to tell the origin story all over again. While at the same time, I think a lot of the fault lies within the actual comic book itself as if creating a cool superhero directly means that the comic book is well-written or that the origin story makes sense. I don’t think either the coolness/badassness of a particular hero has anything to do with how good that actual writing is of said character. It’s like a fancy sports car that looks amazing, but all-in-all isn’t really a good car. It just looks expensive and drives fast I’m sure, but they’re not a logically sound piece of machinery.

It also seems like most comicbooks and their movies only have two real plots: 1. origin story or 2. the character losing their powers willingly or unwillingly and needing to gain them back. And in a way #2 is like a derivative of #1. And they’re both pretty played to death.

- I also want to This is the End.

It looks like it is legitimately funny, which is good because laughter is the best medicine when you’re talking about an illness that doesn’t require actual medicine. And then laughter is just kind of perverse because you really need to get that person some actual help instead of telling dick jokes.

- The UFC has a pay-per-view this weekend, which I’m looking forward to in the same way I look forward to all their pay-per-views.

- Coco got into bed with Danielle and I for the first time this morning.

Coco has this NASTY habit of waking up EARLY. And, it appears that most of the reason why she’s getting up at like 6am is because she wants attention. Which is an AWWWWW and also an UGH when you’re trying to sleep.

Yesterday, she got up and tried to get up on the bed, but didn’t make it. And we hypothesized that she really just wants to get in bed and lie in bed with us. So, this morning, we did just that.

She did pretty much go back to sleep. To paint the scene, she forced herself into being my little spoon with me being the big spoon. So, her back to me, slammed up against me, and facing Danielle. She stayed like that for the better part of an hour until Danielle’s alarm went off.

Also, this means it is the first weekend with Coco.

Today, Coco is meeting Danielle’s mom. And on Sunday, she’s going to meet my dad, my sister, her boyfriend, Danielle’s mom again, and see my mom again who was the one who adopted Coco to us in the first place. It will probably be an overwhelming Sunday for Coco.

- Vice

I’ve been watching it. I watched a couple episodes then DVRed the rest and now I’m going through the DVR. It’s a good show.

It’s kind of egotistical. It certainly presupposes the idea that we the viewers and they the journalists or I guess simply HBO subscribers are the outsiders looking into the CRAY-ZEE world of everyone else and their weird unique problems.

I really hate the little Woody Allen look-a-like reporter. The more I see him, the more I don’t like him. Part of the reason I don’t like him is definitely because in the animal kingdom he would definitely be my prey. He is probably about 5 feet tall and he weighs about 120 pounds. I could absolutely pick him up over my head and drop him on my knee like I’m Bane and I’m breaking this little guy’s back in half. He is unsettlingly small. Too small. I don’t like him being sent out of this country representing America. Is that too far? You know the age old idea of men vs. women – he would lose to a woman in every physical contest. I’m not talking about him competing against a world champion _____ who happens to be a woman. He would lose a tug-of-war competition with every known woman on this planet Earth. Any woman. All woman. One-by-one would defeat him. I’m talking like little half-sized great grandma’s with no teeth hidden in the mountains of Peru would outright physically outmatch this guy and it just weirds me out that he is who we are sending around the world. He looks like the weakest man in existence. He looks like Woody Allen if Woody Allen was deprived of all the testosterone he must have needed to have to write all these movies where he’s fucking super hot actresses and owned it for about 3 decades. Anyway…

He’s not THAT bad, but I get a douche chill every time I see him.

It’s probably part self-hating Jew kind of stuff. I’m sure it’s what learned black professors think when they look at Gucci Mane. They’re like, “Oh, for fuck’s sake! An ice cream tattoo on your face?! You’re ruining this for the rest of us!” Anyway…

The other two reporters they seem to use are the two bearded guys with arm tattoos. The one is the founder of Vice and he sounds American and slightly British and looks like a punky Orson Welles. The other looks like he’s the punky Orson Welles’ slimmer younger brother who played high school sports.

The show is interesting, informative, and depressing.

- NBA and NHL are finishing up their respective seasons soon enough. Both are in their final series of games to determine their season champion.

I’m honestly not that interested in the NHL and I’m thoroughly interested in the NBA. I really only mention this because once this is over… there’s kind of a DEAD ZONE of sports until the NFL starts back up in August (pre-season).

There’s baseball, but baseball kind of blows goats.

There’s soccer, right? Isn’t there always soccer going on somewhere? But whatevs… I really only get excited about the BIG tournaments and that’s like right before they start.

There’s always fighting, which makes me happy.

- What else?

- Michael J. Fox

Danielle and I and our friend Mary did see Michael J. Fox, his wife, and his doppelganger son last Friday.

We went to eat at this hip Korean tapas place called Danji. The place is tiny. The front half is a bar and a couple of high tables that sit communal style. Then there is a partition and beyond the partition are 6 tables – 3 to the left, 3 to the right.

As I walked beyond the partition with Danielle and Mary in front of me because I’m a gent and let the ladies go first, I cleared the partition and saw that there was a table of 3 sitting right next to the partition. Two males and a female. One of the male’s had his back to me, so I couldn’t see his face to begin with. But I could see the faces of the other male and the lone female. Naturally, my explosive amount of heterosexuality led my eyes to the woman first… and also because the male was against the partition, so you naturally saw her before him.

And the woman was Tracy Pollan aka Michael J. Fox’s wife.

SHE LOOKED ONE MILLION PERCENT LIKE HERSELF.

That sounds obvious, but if you’ve seen celebrities out in public or if you look at all those articles about celebrities out in public on the internet you’ll know that they don’t always look the way they look on TV or in a magazine. Sometimes, they look downright different. They’re like a puzzle you have to solve. Anyway… SHE LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE HERSELF.

I then drifted my eyes over to the male next to her fully expecting to see motherfucking TEEN WOLF himself and I was kind of puzzled. It looked like Michael J. Fox pretty much, but if Tracy wasn’t there then I wouldn’t have necessarily recognized him as Michael J. Fox. He looked a little older than I was expecting and less “vibrant”. We’re used to seeing this guy in movies and on TV delivering zingers, so him just sitting quietly eating Korean food was a tad underwhelming. Either way, it was 100% Mrs. Michael J. Fox and he looked more and more like Michael the more and more I looked at him out of the corner of my eye while I was pretending not to look at him.

The other guy, I got a glimpse of when I sat down at it looked 1,000,000% like their son who looks like a young Michael J. Fox. And remember that bullshit about them not wanting him to date Taylor Swift? Seriously, I’m sure she’s a handful, but you’d be pretty lucky to get into that if you know… I mean have sex with Taylor Swift on the reg.

Two more things about Michael J. Fox…

1. I didn’t say anything to him. I rarely say anything to celebrities if I by chance run into one. It’s not like I’m going to get the chance to really sit down and talk to him. At most, it’s like I’m a homeless person to them and they’re giving me a hi back to show that they recognize my existence instead of just walking over me and without a second thought. So… I didn’t ask Michael J. Fox WHY BASKETBALL in “Teen Wolf” or WHAT WAS THAT GAME THEY WERE PLAYING AT THE 15 KEG HIGH SCHOOL PARTY? If I was going to talk about stuff with Michael J. Fox, most it would be about “Teen Wolf”. So many questions?!

2. The dude didn’t shake much. I don’t know how much “shaking” I was expecting, but for awhile there all people talked about was his Parkinson’s. I’m guessing he is on a better medical path towards helping with that affliction and from what I could see… it’s working. DUDE WAS EATING AT A KOREAN TAPAS PLACE! Do you know what that means? CHOP STICKS! Either way, he wasn’t shaking like a car on bad gas like many people would expect. Those “people” well maybe me or people with pessimistic expectations. I was more hoping that I wouldn’t see him shaking because that would be depressing because Parkinson’s is shitty. I’m glad he didn’t appear to be shaky or anything. Good for him and, hopefully, for other people who have Parkinson’s.

- HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND

- I LOVE YOU

- COCO IS SNORING NEXT TO ME

10 Guesses For What HeyyyBrother Got Me For My Birthday

What it is.

It is Thursday and my 30th birthday is this Saturday.

HeyyyBrother aka _dharv aka Danielle’s birthday is on May 12th and about a month before her birthday, I intentionally let it slip that I had bought her her birthday present already. I was so proud of myself that I had bought her her birthday present so far in advance and everything, but then Danielle laid some information back on me… she had already gotten me my birthday present.

WHAT THE WHAT?!

Is it even legal to buy someone their birthday present two months in advance and tell them that you did this?

Either way, I’ve only got a couple days left until my birthday and I can find out what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks this present is.

To clarify, for my last birthday, Danielle got me Aziz Ansari tickets and a bayonet knife. A very sharp bayonet knife. That following Christmas, last Christmas whatever, Danielle bought me a polo shirt and a katana. A very sharp katana.

So… what did she get me this year? Here are my guesses!

1. A gun

Now, Danielle keeps saying it isn’t a gun. But who says she isn’t saying that as a red herring to throw me off the black powder trail of a fully-loaded gun. A bayonet knife, a katana? Gun is pretty much next. Maybe a gun that fires bladed projectiles instead of regular old bullets. Who knows what you can buy on the internet.

2. Bling

I’ve bought Danielle two necklaces thus far in this relationship, so maybe she’s thinking what’s good for the goose is good for the gander and she wants her mans to be covered in glittery gold and shiny stones.

3. Another dog

Our current dog of less than a week, Coco, kind of fell into our laps. Maybe two months ago Danielle didn’t have the gift of foresight to see us getting Coco and has been hiding a dog in this house for the past couple months. You’d think that would be difficult, but I’m betting it is possible. I have never gone into Danielle’s closet, I rarely go into the basement, the attic is a no man’s land to me, or she could have the dog living under her desk at work. I don’t know what’s going on over there.

4. Winter coat

IT WAS TWO MONTHS AGO WHEN SHE BOUGHT IT! About two months ago, no one thought it would ever get hot again and we were all preparing for a second ice age. Or third. How many of these ice ages have we had?

5. Computer charger

Because she’s fucking sick and tired of me using her charger. I came into this house with a computer charger and it died and I’ve been using her’s ever since and enough is enough.

6. Onesie

Danielle would laugh until she hyperventilated and would instagram until her thumbs bled, if she saw me in a onesie. And, I do know they make adult onesies, but I’m not the size of an adult. I’m the size of an adult who absorbed another adult and retained all the other adults mass. So, finding a onesie for me wouldn’t be the easiest. Maybe she had to have it custom made.

7. Secret formula to get me to stop biting my fingers

It would require a super serum at this point to get me to stop my bad habit of biting my fingers, so maybe she flew to Germany and spoke German to a German and got that antidote.

8. _____ covered in peanut butter

I’d eat just about anything covered in peanut butter, so there’s always that.

9. Power Wheels car

Similar to the onesie idea. I’m sure Shaq has tweeted something like that – him in a Power Wheels – and someone is selling that model of custom Power Wheels on Etsy or something.

10a. Something that makes me feel like a huge nerd

THAT’S A HUGE POSSIBILITY. I do love nerdy things because I’m a nerd and with that she could have bought me something that easily feeds into that.

10b. Something sports related that makes me feel like a homosexual

Like a big picture of former NBA star Charles Oakley and while I would love that, I would also feel like my girlfriend thinks I have an inordinate amount of affection for big black men who handle balls well. And, I’m cool with that, I’m just saying it’s a real possibility.

…

I really don’t know what she’s gotten me.

Care to take a guess?

Videogames Look Amazing; Can’t Wait To See The Sex Scenes

Whaddup…

This is a trailer for a videogame on Playstation 4 that is coming out this “Holiday” season.

It looks fucking retarded amazing… graphically speaking. The game looks pretty similar to its two predecessors. But the graphics are unbelievable and this game isn’t anywhere near as good looking as some of the other games that have released trailers this week.

This week is E3, which is the big yearly videogame conference where people basically masturbate to new games and how good they look.

As videogames have matured, there have been a lot more storylines, a lot more acting, and pretty much most videogames nowadays are more intricate and as well acted as most network television. And there are plenty of games with romantic storylines and some games like “Mass Effect” which have sex scenes.

Better graphics, better sex scenes. AM I RIGHT?! HAPPY HUMP DAY TO EVERYONE!

As of right now, the best sex scenes I’ve seen in a game were probably the ones in “Mass Effect 3″, but we’re really only seeing the tip of the iceberg if you know what I mean as far as how good these sex scenes could get. Right now, the sex scenes are about as sexy as any sexual instruction video you may or may not have seen in sex ed.

One day though… “WILD THINGS”. Like full on crazy ass sex scenes in the middle of videogames. That wouldn’t be weird at all, right?

Whatever.

Videogames.

I couldn’t give any less of a fuck about Ed Snowden’s ballerina ex-girlfriend.