I have a serious admission to make… I was violated last week.


And it wasn’t just me! IT WAS YOU TOO!



Is there a band named THE IRONY?

I would check out a song or two of The Irony on the Youtube if there was such a band. I mean I never heard of the band LET’S WRESTLE before, but then did hear of them and listened to them because I thought that’s a great name and listened to this song…

And I really dig this song.

Also, I feel like this song was in a movie or a TV show and I can’t figure out, which one. Hmmmm…

What was I talking about at the beginning of this post? Let me check…


Ahhhhh yes…

And by us and by me and by you too, I mean our iTunes accounts, which are in fact closer to me and more apart of my life than many of my internal organs and/or your internal organs, so it’s a total violation.

What happened?

Well, for whatever reason, Apple – the people who are not-so-secretly trying to rule the world by turning us all into slaves to their robots – decided to spice up their launching of the iPhone 6 and the new iWatch – is it called iWatch? – by also releasing the wholly unanticipated new U2 album.

That sounds pretty random, but you have to remember – YOU HAVE TO! – that Apple did once make that U2 ipod, which was preloaded with the then new U2 album. Remember seeing that stupid “Vertigo” commercial all the time? ONE! TWO! THREE! FORTY! Isn’t that what he says in like Italian or something… and by he, I mean Bono. And by Bono, I mean the guy you’ve been sick of hearing sing for the past 30 years and is the father of Eve Hewson aka “shy busty nurse” on THE KNICK who I think we have about a 55% chance of seeing topless by season’s end. Actually, I’ve missed the past two episodes, so she may have gotten topless already. ACTUALLY! With how slow the show moves, Eve could be still in the process of taking her top off from two weeks ago. ZING!

Let me clear things up, if you have an iPhone or an iPad or an iTunes account anywhere including your iButt then Apple and U2 just fucking jammed their new album SONGS OF INNOCENCE right into that fucking thing. JUST RIGHT IN THERE!

I remember the good old days when the iCloud was just filled with naked celebrity pictures that they didn’t want everyone and their own mother to see, but now the iCloud is also the fortress of solitude for U2’s album… which means it is free.

Yep. Free album from U2.

Honestly, I think it is kind of weird that U2 just dropped a load in us all, but I’m not truly surprised.

And to be clear, it’s FREE for all of us, but it wasn’t free for Apple. They paid in some estimates $100 million for the album. I’m not sure what the number is nor do I care. I don’t really know why Apple did this, but they did.

I will say that I don’t really give a fuck about the new iPhone in any way more than I did about the past iPhones and me eventually getting one of the newer ones because I broke the old one or I was up for a new or whatever.

I will also say that I do really like the look of the watch. I don’t necessarily want one myself. I really don’t think the watch is necessary at all. Maybe it’s good for blind people because it seems like it is best used through voice commands? I have no idea. Maybe if you’re paralyzed by the fear of putting your hand into your pocket to retrieve your phone? I don’t know. I do think it looks a billion times better than I anticipated. It looks great and I think it will sell great. The Google Glass shit looked like shit, but the watches actually look stylish for really anyone and I’ll give my kudos – not the peanut butter ones – to Apple on that.

Back to U2…

I’m not a U2 fan.

I am a fan of the podcast U Talkin’ U2 to Me? And the two of them – Adam Scott and Scott Aukerman – love U2 and they reviewed the album and were really positive about it. Good for them. I’m glad they liked it. Me? Not so much.

A particularly terrible song or disliked or just fucking yuck song was track 3… CALIFORNIA (THERE IS NO END TO LOVE)

And I would put a video up here… but YOU HAVE THE FUCKING SONG ALREADY!

I have to say thank you to U2 because it certainly made me not purchasing this album easier than I had expected. Since, I listen to that funny U2 related podcast – i was thinking of listening to the album whenever it did come out. BUT! I clearly wasn’t going to buy it. So, I would have to listen to it on the Youtube or download it illegally. Guess what?! U2 did the job for me and just sent me the fucking album as well as YOU TOO and now we don’t have to worry about spending money or our moral compass being off course because we illegally downloaded it for a listen and then deleted it.

Before I shit on the shitty lyrics of the California song…

I think it is fucking smart as fuck for U2 to have done this. I think it would be smart as fuck for any band to do what U2 did. The only problem is that Apple already has a relationship with U2 and they’re not going to do what they did for just anyone. Whether I like it or not, U2 is a global band. A FUCKING HUGE BAND. And they can do shit like this. Like dropping their fucking album onto every piece of Apple branded device you own or the fucking iTunes you’re using on an IBM compatible because Apple is just that fucking big of a shit.

First, U2 got paid.

Second, it’s so much insane advertising for the album in a way that it probably wouldn’t have gotten before. It would have certainly been covered and reviewed before, BUT now literally everyone can review this album themselves because they didn’t just give it away for free – THEY FUCKING STUCK IT INSIDE OF YOU WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT.

Second part B, not just advertising for reviews, but advertising for TV shows, commercials, movies, and so forth that are looking for music to put in their shit and they’re not the best with choosing music. It’s brand new music that is sitting right there for YOU TO listen TO. It’s all harmless soft rock music, which is perfect for TV commercials or montages in broadcast TV.

Third, I guarantee it will soften the blow of a lot of reviews because it’s free and that makes people less critical about the work. Some may say that it “cheapens” it like it won’t be seen as a classic record because it was free, but how many new albums are labeled classics for bands that have been around for more than 10 or 15 or 20 or 30 years? None.

Fourth, I do think it will rekindle some past fans or some on the fence people because they didn’t have to go out of their way for it.

Fifth, we already think of U2 as being assholes – good or bad – and only an asshole could really just force an album into your phone and get away with it.

As for my thoughts on the album quickly… it’s meh. It’s a U2 album to me in what I would expect from a U2 album – especially a U2 album from the past decade or even two decades. If this is new or heady shit from U2 then I really do feel bad for U2 fans who have sat through worse. As mentioned a minute ago, I feel like this album sounds like harmless soft rock. It’s “dirtiest” moments are on “Volcano”, which still sounds like a song that could be in a Pixar movie. It’s well-produced? I hate saying that because it’s really not that much of a compliment, but there are badly produced albums by big name artists. It’s background music mostly and some people really like that. And I would know because I did just see Steve Winwood open for Tom Petty on Thursday.


This song sucks. And I’d like to take a look at the lyrics because the beginning moments of the song are an affront to humanity.

[Intro 4x:]
Bar-Bar-Barbara, Santa Barbara
Bar-Bar-Barbara, Santa Barbara
Bar-Bar-Barbara, Santa Barbara
Bar-Bar-Barbara, Santa Barbara

Yes…. errr… I mean no.


No, you cannot start a song off with Bar-Bar-Barbara, Santa Barbara and for me not to hate you. I thought I disliked U2 for pretty much every song they released from 1990 onward, but this is a new low for them. Remember when The Edge rapped and there were people pushing their feet into his face? That was better than this. It only lasts 30 seconds – that’s what she said – but it’s the worst 30 seconds of your life – that’s also what she said! I’M ON FIRE!!!!

Anyway, fuck U2.

Santa Barbara? Legitimately, around the 10th city I would think of naming if I were to right a song about California or expecting to hear a song about California. Obviously, Los Angeles would be right up there or San Francisco or San Diego or San Jose if we’re keeping with that San or Sacramento the much maligned capital city of California or Oakland because they have a professional football team like San Francisco and San Diego or Sonoma because I drink wine because I’m cultured or I would probably say Big Sur which isn’t a city but a populated region… I mean Santa Barbara is not high on the list.

I really just don’t know where Santa Barbara jumps into the forefront of this song minus U2 and/or Bono living in Santa Barbara.

Also, the band all chanting it together like surfer style Gregorian monks makes me want to blame all of them for this idiocy AND it makes me believe or anticipate that the following song will be almost entirely made up of lyrics involving California towns/cities.

Then we sail into the shiny sea
The weight that drags your heart down
Well, that’s what took me where I need to be


He mentions the state itself, but the rest of that stanza sounds more like a suicide note.

Sailing into the sea – seemingly away from California and/or Santa Barbara – and a weight is dragging our heart? Sounds depressing. Doesn’t sound like I want to live in Santa Barbara. Doesn’t sound like I want to live at all, Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith.

And I’m not sure if the the “where I need to be” is death or a suicide help center in Santa Barbara.

Which is here, Alazzurra
Watching you cry like a baby
At the dawn you thought would never come
But it did
Like it always does

I’m understanding this song a lot less than previously anticipated.

Alazzurra? I have no idea what that is. I just typed that into Google – the holder of all answers – and all the results are for an Italian motorcycle. Is Bono talking about riding his Italian motorcycle into the sea to kill himself and then crying baby noises is the bike’s engine gurgling in the Pacific Ocean? If so, BRAVO!

Ok, I Googled “Alazzurra California” and it’s still pointing to Italian motor bikes or it’s just showing websites with the lyrics to this song on it.

Not helpful.

Crying at the dawn because you thought it never would come, but it did like it always does? Ugh. Blech. Yuck. One of those. Um… well, it sounds like trite garbage that could be in any song ever for the most part and wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t in another U2 song.

Is Bono’s kid named Alazzurra? I mean we know the one’s name is Eve Hewson. But does he have a kid named Alazzurra? It would make this baby crying bit make more sense, but it doesn’t help explain the first part any better.

Whoa, oh, all I know
And all I need to know is
There is no, yeah,
There is no end to love

That was unexpected, right?

I’m not the only one who thought that was like a severe left turn on an Alazzurra Italian motorcycle, right?

Again, that is some Hallmark bullshit that could be in any song let alone a song that is about California or about anything. It’s just kind of a-typical song writing.

I didn’t call you
A risk can scare a thought away
Everyone’s a star in our town
It’s just your light gets dimmer if you have to stay

The town of Santa Barbara? Never knew it was suck a rough town.

The first two lines are decent. A risk can scare a thought away is a good lyric. I’ll fully admit that. And pairing it with the idea of that thought being a phone call is decent stuff as well. I don’t really know what most of that has to do with the earlier stuff mentioned in this song.

Was I right that he was planning on committing suicide or felt suicidal on a motorcycle – great rhyme – and he still loves someone and knows that, but he’s too scared to call that someone?

That may be right. That may not be right. Either way, that is me piecing together something because anyone can use their imagination to create a story where one does or does not exist. That’s literally what a writing exercise is. Grab random words or sentences or ideas and make a story connecting them. It’s called using your brain.

The next part seems unrelated unless the person he’s not calling is his agent and/or Santa Barbara has the craziest Tindr singles’ scene.

In your bedroom, in a mirror
Watching yourself cry like a baby
The blood orange sunset brings you to your knees
I’ve seen for myself, there’s no end to grief
That’s how I know

It got weird. Bono just made it weird.

Crying baby image and/or words being used again and a random shout out to California. Before it was Alazzurra crying. Now, it’s you are crying. Or is it California crying? I’m not sure.

There was no end to love, right? Now, there is no end to grief! What does have an end, Bono?! Hopefully, this song.

So, Bono killed his motorcycle and he’s sad? You’re a millionaire, Bono! Buy another one!

Whoa, that’s how I know
And why I need to know
That there is no, yeah,
There is no end to love

Whoa, oh, all I know
And all I need to know is
There is no, yeah,
There is no end to love

Whoa, oh, all I know
And all I need to know is
There is no, yeah,
There is no end to love


What a shitty song. Seriously.

It’s like they came up with this refrain, which is fairly milquetoast… and then when Bono was asked to sing the lyrics for the song he was like I’ll just improvise some lyrics like I’m scatting. And by scatting – I mean either jazz beeps and boops and/or actual shit coming from his mouth because that’s what these lyrics feel like.

I’ll also mention that I thought he said something about Zuma and not Alazzurra when I listened to the song. So, I actually thought those lyrics did mention a second California town. Unless Alazzurra is a California town that is just not known by Google.

Whoa, we come and go
With stolen days you don’t get back
Stolen days are just enough

I’m not sure if I can even take a decent stab at that, but it feels like a suicidal thought. I don’t know.

If you listen to the song, Bono et al really harp on this “there is no” part over and over and over again and it sounds more like one word than 3 separate words, but either way…

there is no


San Luis Obispo


Those are some useful rhymes. Pismo and SLO are Cali towns and there are a fuck ton of Quiznos in California. I feel like that was a real missed opportunity for some solid tales about eating toasted sandwiches on the sandy beaches of the left coast.

Also, really just a missed opportunity for a song worth listening to in general.

At least, it’s free?

I love you.

And that saddens me almost as much as the actual abuse does.

It sounds selfish and childish to say that former Baltimore Ravens’ running back Ray Rice nearly ruined the opening weekend of the NFL.

I love watching NFL football. Probably as much as Ray Rice will miss actually playing NFL football.

Around the time that last season ended, Ray Rice and his then girlfriend Janay went to the Revel Casino in Atlantic City where seemingly they got drunk and argued, but that’s neither here nor there – truly that is neither here nor there in the following sentence.  As everyone knows, Ray knocked Janay unconscious in the confines of an elevator and then proceeded to drag her lifeless body into the casino’s lobby like she a duffel bag of unwanted laundry. 

It was disgusting and despicable. The world had video of the duffel bag of unwanted laundry moment, but not the actual battery moment. Apparently, that was not enough for some. 

The Ravens kept Rice during the 7 months between the moment of finding out about this terrible act and yesterday. 

The NFL suspended Rice for 2 games, which is half what Denver Broncos’ wide receiver Wes Welker got for testing positive for amphetamines for the first time in a decade of playing in the NFL. Some say Welker used the drug “molly” at the Kentucky Derby during the off-season, which sounds sort of far fetched unless he was tested right around the Derby and then the drug sample was not tested for months after that. Others say that Welker used Adderall, which has come slightly en vogue as a few players have come up for the speed-like substance over the past few years.

Back to the point, possibly taking Adderall was 2x worse than a security video of someone dragging their unconscious girlfriend out of an elevator and showing no remorse for the fact that she was seemingly conscious seconds earlier getting into that elevator with that aforementioned someone. 

So, 2 games. 

Then came the public apology. An apology from Ray Rice where he showed great “maturity”. That was a word thrown around by almost everyone who was analyst or a coach or player or teammate or whomever who covered the terrible abuse and sided with Rice. 

Maturity is an odd word to use and I think OVERused because it comes up a lot. 

When someone is caught violating a moral law and/or a governmental law and they apologize, that is obvious – not mature. 

When someone has been caught and is in the act of being punished to whatever degree and they say “sorry” – that’s just a natural reaction. It’s not true “maturity”. Unless, the only other option in people’s mind is for Rice to deny that it happened. And that would be immaturity. And to me, that immaturity would be delusion. And delusion is how everyone else who sided with Rice was acting. 

These people are deluded… but they won’t admit it. 

Seeing the initial video and still believing in anything, but the obvious that Ray had struck Janay to the point that she was rendered unconscious is just delusion. It’s a lie. Lying to oneself. Lying to oneself that there had to be a reasonable answer as to why Ray did what he did. And in that, those people should be ashamed that they allowed themselves to search for a reasonable answer to that because in doing so they allowed Ray to get away with physically abusing Janay that time and any other time he has or will in the future. 

But I’m kind of skipping my original point, I generally hated every reaction I heard on Monday on ESPN or for the NFL. 

Banning Rice was easy. Not difficult, but easy. TMZ and the elevator made it very easy for the NFL to make the right decision. The more “difficult” decision would have been to have done it after the first video 7 months ago. The second video erases the victim-blaming “reasonable” doubt they had lied to themselves about. People who still defend Ray have left the world of “reasonable”. 

The reactions I heard were a lot about “poor decision making”. True. It was poor decision making. That also is a very vague and loose and entirely all too flexible of an idea for a situation where a man knocks a woman unconscious. 

One who simply agrees with the decision making being “poor” may believe that Rice’s true problem was doing this in public. Hitting Janay within a heavily monitored casino. That’s the umbrella that labeling “poor decision making” allows.

It wasn’t simply poor decision making… it was heinous.

It was deplorable. It was disgusting. It was jarring. 

It was wrong.

It was wrong in an elevator. It would have been wrong in the car like Chris Brown. It would have been wrong at home like countless others. It is a wrong act in general.

Men hitting women is wrong. 

While, some may say (and have) or believe that “men hitting women is wrong” did not need to be said because everyone knows that already – wrong. That is also wrong. 

About the only thing that should be said and said over and over and over and over again is MEN HITTING WOMEN IS WRONG. 

Every sentence that came out of every football player, coach, analyst, executive et cetera’s mouth should have started with MEN HITTING WOMEN IS WRONG. 

Before they tried to say anything else about the suspension or the ban or how fucking wrong it is for men to hit women… the first thing all of these people should have said was MEN HITTING WOMEN IS WRONG.

And there are three reasons why…

1. BECAUSE MEN HITTING WOMEN IS WRONG – it fucking is. This is not a fantasy world. Janay is not a zombie comeback from the dead to eat brains or a demon shape-shifting poltergeist posing as Janay or an alien creature with a plan for world domination, which starts with assuming the identity of Janay Rice. Ray is a man and Janay is a woman and he should never hit her. That’s it. 

2. Because 99% of the people talking about this man hitting this woman were MEN – Former players, current players, former coaches, current coaches, team owners, NFL executives, the NFL commissioner Mr. dipshit Roger Goodell are all men. I don’t think I heard a single woman give her opinion on the matter. I only remember 2 women even being on screen with sideline reporter Michelle TaFoya and some chick in the studio who I don’t remember her name, but almost everyone who covered the awful story yesterday were cock and balls having dudes like Adam Schefter and Chris Mortenson and Ray Lewis and Steve Young and dimwit Cris Berman. And none of them made it angrily and perfectly clear that it was WRONG for MEN TO HIT WOMEN. All the bullshit about the suspension and all the bullshit about how this affects the team and all the bullshit about the NFL ta… fuck all of you for not just flatout saying MEN HITTING WOMEN IS WRONG. 

Men need to say that hitting women is wrong. Men. Honestly, I don’t care what women think about the issue. I’m joking, but it’s a man’s issue apparently. Because men are not telling other men it’s not right. Men are apparently saying shit like “poor decision making” instead of being like “Hey, what the fuck are you doing? Men hitting women is wrong! You fucking idiot!” 

And men that know it is wrong need to say it more than ever because it is clear that all men do not know it is wrong to hit women.

3. Because the women who are being hit by these men need to know that it is categorically wrong. Just as much as these men don’t seem to know how wrong it is for them to be hitting women, these women do not seem to know how wrong it is that they’re getting hit. 

Today, Janay Rice instagramed a message to the “media” about how they ruined her life. 

It’s a sad message both in how she intended it and by how deluded she is about her own self-worth. 

Janay is right. She’s right that the life she envisioned for herself is probably over. 

Janay is right that the “media” is to blame for getting her now husband fired. She is right that without the media’s intervention of sorts and non-stop playing of the incident of her being hit until she lost consciousness by her then NFL star running back boyfriend in an elevator at an Atlantic City casino that Ray Rice would still be running the football for the Baltimore Ravens for millions of dollars a year for at least the next few years. 

Janay is right about that, but there is some stuff she’s wrong about.

Janay is wrong that the life she envisioned for herself ended on Monday. It was “an” life she had envisioned that ended on Monday. There were many other lives she had envisioned for herself over the time she was with Ray that ended each time he hit her. 

Let’s say that the first time Ray ever hit Janay was in that elevator. Let’s say that to give Ray the benefit of the doubt. The benefit of the doubt that he never previously knocked Janay unconscious by hitting her. Whatever life she envisioned for herself prior to being knocked unconscious ended the moment Ray knocked her unconscious. From then on, Janay had a new life in her head – a new life where it was ok if he hit her until the point of unconsciousness because he either apologized or because they lived this glossy rich life on the surface while Ray secretly hit her when he got angry or drunk. 

Janay is wrong to think the media is the wrong doer in this scenario. Because of the hapless media of the world, Ray’s life as a man who hits women was brought to light and now he has to deal with it and instead of get away it. The media also forced the hand of a billion dollar team – Ravens – and a multi-billion dollar enterprise – the NFL – to not employ a known woman beater because they surely would have continued to employ him if the media did not force their hand. 

It’s obvious that Janay doesn’t want to be hit. It’s obvious that Janay wanted to be in love with Ray Rice and for him to continue being a professional football player.

But those options were not the world that Ray Rice offered. 

Ray hit Janay – not the media.

Ray was wrong to hit Janay – not the media. 

Hopefully, someone will get Janay to understand that it was never right for her to get hit. 

I would like to see some maturity from the NFL and, specifically, the Baltimore Ravens and, even more specifically, coach John Harbaugh.

I wish that the Baltimore Ravens and John Harbaugh and everyone else would admit that they didn’t want to believe that Ray Rice hit Janay and they were willing to delude themselves, to lie to themselves about it until it was empirically shown to them. 

I hope John Harbaugh and the Ravens and the NFL and Goodell admit they were wrong. They were wrong for protecting Ray after the first video was released. 

They thought they knew Ray Rice as a man who did not hit women. When they found out that he most likely did, they did not want to believe it and they lied to themselves and everyone else and they were wrong for doing so. They are sorry for who that hurt directly and indirectly. 

They will do better next time because sadly there will be a next time and when that next time happens their first reaction will be… men hitting women is wrong and they will try to help the woman and not try to protect the man. 


First question, half-hearted? Where’s the other half of my heart? 

WITH YOU, of course!

Awwwww… I’m a motherfucking sweetheart. 


What has been going on? What have I been up to? What is with all these questions? 

I was thinking about writing about The Fappening… about.

I was going to post about the sexy stolen celebrity photos, which Reddit dubbed The Fappening. 

Honestly, I looked at them. Honestly, I have looked at all previous stolen celebrity photos or videos as well. It has happened quite a bit. It’s happened so many times in fact that some of the photos that were passed around or mentioned on the news were from past stolen moments and not from this current batch of them. Like Olivia Munn. I think there may have been new Olivia Munn stolen photos in there, but Olivia Munn had sexy pictures she took and even wrote sexy messages on them stolen before. Remember when Leighton Meester had a footjob video stolen from her and nude pics to go along with it? This has happened A LOT! This is certainly not a new problem, which doesn’t mean I think it’s a non-issue. It’s certainly an issue that there are people out there violating other people’s privacy and breaking into their phones or icloud accounts or whatever. That sucks and, honestly, I do hope someone brings it to a stop…

That being said, I did look at the pictures because they existed for me to easily look at them. I’ve certainly clicked on enough stuff on the internet that should have made me morally bankrupt, so another click or two ain’t that big of a deal. 

My opinion… they all look great. Jennifer Lawrence looks great. Kate Upton looks great. Brie Larson looks great. Justin Verlander looks great. I’m pretty over baseball as a sport, but Verlander is a great pitcher and it turns out his handsome face matches an thoroughly attractive body. Like I get why women or gay men would want someone who is uber muscly sure, but I feel like women want a guy who is in shape, but at the same time wouldn’t give them grief about how many calories are in a beer or cheesecake. And Verlander is a hairy dude. I don’t think I expected him to be THAT hairy, but he’s pretty hairy. Not Robin Williams RIP hairy, but hairy.

And, let’s be really real, besides the obvious sexual satisfaction of seeing Kate Upton’s bare nipples only a week or two removed from her saying in an interview saying she wouldn’t go full nude in a picture… I have a new appreciation for the Verlander/Upton couple. Sure the gif of him throwing her the ball that got passed around not too long ago was cute, but they are up there as one of my favorite celebrity couples on the planet for the bare ass, double selfie the two of them took together in a hotel room mirror. It’s hilarious and it’s something that I do not think is out of the realm of possibilities as something that I would try to get Danielle to do. 

Anyway, none of them should feel ashamed. Ashamed is the last thing they should feel. People have been taking nekkid selfies since as long as it was possible. There were soldiers in the Civil War carrying around tin 3×5 stills of some chick in their pocket helping them get through those sleepless nights.

Hopefully, they do catch the people who hacked their phones or whatever because that is definitely a crime. And I’ll just wait patiently for these celebrities we’re all so obsessed with to either choose to appear naked in a movie or TV show or them accidentally tweeting a picture of themselves topless a la Allison Pill and Hayley Williams because Twitter is oh so complicated. 



The defending Super Bowl champs – Seattle Seahawks – will kickoff the season by most likely defeating the Green Bay Packers in the Silver City of Seattle. Actually, I don’t think Seattle is the “Silver City”, but who the fuck cares? Really? C’mon! I’m betting literally and figuratively that the Seahawks win tonight. They looked like a bunch of menaces last year kicking the shit out of everyone especially in Seattle, so what’s the diff this year? Not much to me. I think they’re the odds on favorite to win the damn thing again this year. 

As for the predictions… thankfully, the Las Vegas oddsmakers in their secret vault in the middle of the Earth have come up with their predictions on how many wins each team will have and I’m going to look at those numbers and say what I think. 

I will preface this by saying… I’m not looking at their schedules. I probably should, but 32 teams? Ughs! Uggs! UGGZ!!!!! So, I’ll just assess the number as if it were in a vacuum. 

Starting in the NFC! Then the AFC! But as mentioned… THE NFC!


Philadelphia Eagles – 9 – At least. I think the Eagles can win more than 9. Like I said, none of this is based on a schedule or whatever – it’s just based on my opinion of the team. It’s head coach Chip Kelly’s second year and I think he’ll have even more of a handle on them. Foles played great last year, they’ve got the best running back in LeSean McCoy, they’ve got Darren Sproles, Maclan is back healthy seemingly, racist Riley Cooper is a solid player. Plus, I think like every year – this division is very beatable against each other and I think the Eagles are the strongest of the bunch. 

New York Giants – 8.5 – 9-7 would be a good year for the Giants and at the same time be the end of Tom Coughlin probably. I don’t know why I’m supposed to think they’ll be better than last year minus that they can’t trip over the same shit twice because it is in the past. The Giants are never a team that wins a ton of games, so as long as they’re competitive against the teams in their division then they should be fine and I think they can be competitive there. 

Dallas Cowboys – 7.5 – Less. Their defense should probably be even worse than last year. Their offense is about the same as far as I know and I don’t think that is enough. I think the Eagles are beating them twice, the Giants are going to get at least 1 win, and the next team will win at least a game against them. This will be a bad year for the ‘boys between injuries, crime problems, and lack of depth – I expect mass firings from Jerry Jones at the end of the season. Hopefully, Michael Sam gets to play some because he looked good in the preseason and why the fuck not! 

Washington _________ … fuck it … Redskins – 7.5 – They’re going to be better than last year. They really can’t get worse. I think they’ll make 8 wins, maybe 9. I wouldn’t go further than that. New head coach and all that with Jay Gruden will be an improvement in my opinion. Their defense can’t get worse and they did add talent to the offense with DeSean Jackson who has it in him to be a game changer talent when he wants to be. 


Chicago Bears – 8.5 – I was saying this last night, I expect the Bears to kick ass in the first game of the season and maybe in the first few games of the season, but there is just something about the Bears that breaks down at some point. With all their talent, I thought they looked like garbage in the preseason, so I’m not expecting a whole hell of a lot. They could be an 8-8 team though because some games their talent just clicks. Cutler to Marshall and Jeffrey are just too much talent to be shut down all 16 games, but I don’t think they’re doing much better than .500. 

Detroit Lions – 8.5 – Who knows? I don’t. I don’t think they’re winning more than 9 games. Their defense is the same, which means it is overhyped and underperforms. They have some big weapons offensively, but their team just doesn’t win. They went from a disastrous 4-12 to 7-9 last year and I think that’s about where they stay. They may improve to that 8 or 9 wins or not. I mean they lost their last 4 games last season – that is terrible. So, I’ll say 7-9 again.  

Green Bay Packers – 8.5 – Better. I think they’ll put it back together this season and win this division. That may be 9 games or 10 games or maybe more. I don’t think they can be kept down too long. I think they’re losing tonight, but after that I think they’re going to have a bunch of wins this year as their offense is a little more balanced and their defense really can’t get much worse. They signed Julius Peppers to their D and he’ll definitely affect some games out there. 

Minnesota Vikings – 6.0 – I’m not expecting a whole lot from this team. Nothing against their new coach Mike Zimmer because I do like him, but they didn’t make any moves that make me think they’re going to make any leaps meanwhile they lost their best D player in Jared Allen to the Bears. I think they’ll be less than .500, so 6 wins is a decent pick if not generous. Zimmer is a defensive coach, so he needs to get that D together and mean, but no matter how good they are their offense still needs to score those points for them to win and it’s tough to ask Adrian Peterson to carry that all on himself.


Atlanta Falcons – 8.5 – Less. I don’t have high hopes for the Falcons. I don’t think their D is any better and I think their offense will need to score A LOT of points to win these football games. They have a great receiving core, but I don’t know if that is enough. I’m saying 8 wins at most, but maybe 7-9 or so. They had one of the worst collapses in NFL history last year – I don’t think they’re completely over that. 

Carolina Panthers – 8.5 – I feel a little down on the Panthers and I wish I wasn’t because I like Cam Newton a ton and I really enjoyed watching them play defense last year. Their defense I feel like overperformed last year as well as I think they got kind of lucky with how some games played out. We’ll see how they react this year. Can they make themselves an institution as a winning team? I don’t know. They didn’t do a lot on offense as far as moves go and their defense I think is pretty similar to last year. Who knows. I’m saying 8-8 would be a win and I would be shocked if they had 10 wins. 

New Orleans Saints – 8.5 – Old habits diehard and I think the Saints are a team that can always dial it up and score those points early and often. Their defense can’t be much worse than the past few years and their offense seems to always be clicking better than most everyone else. I think they’ll do fine this year and win at least 10 games.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – 8.5 – Less. I don’t see a whole lot for these Bucs. I know that Lovie Smith is taking the reins, but I don’t think that is making them an 8-8 team or better. I’m guessing 7-9, 6-10 or something. I don’t think their offense will be a big threat. I think Lovie will get that defense playing better, but I don’t know if that will win games for them. This is a rebuilding year for them.


Seattle Seahawks – 11.0 – More. 12 wins, 13 wins, whatever. I think the Seahawks are going back to the Super Bowl. They lost a couple guys and everything, but I don’t think it will greatly change this team. I think they’re still the most under-appreciated football team in the league and I think they can still play with a chip on their shoulder going into this season. Seriously, people are picking the 49ers and the Broncos to go all the way and no one is saying shit about the Seahawks and are still asking if Russell Wilson is the guy. Fuck yeah, he’s the guy and he’s going to be better this year. Russell Wilson is the guy and Richard Sherman is the guy and they’re going to embarrass some teams again this year. 

San Francisco 49ers – 10.5 – They looked like shit in the preseason and they have a ton of injuries and they have several guys sitting out the first few games at least because of criminal shit. What does that mean? I feel like they’re taking a step back this year because of all that. I think Colin Kaepernick is the fucking man, but that team got fucked up this off-season and I’m not sure if the people filling in will be able to bring the thunder as well. They had a rough start last year and came on strong as the season wore on. I feel like the same thing will happen this year. 10 wins? That’s the highest I’ll go because I think this division is really tough and they’ll have a tough time getting those wins. 

St. Louis Rams – 8.5 – 8-8 or 9-7 or 7-9… all around there, sure. I think their defense will be great and their offense could be credible. The key for them like most teams, but definitely for them is to win those 8 games at home. Focus on that. It has been difficult for teams to win in St. Louis these last few years and if the Rams can really make that a goal to win 7 or all 8 of those games and then win a game or 2 on the road then they’ll be following the same model the Seahawks followed. Their main problem is getting their D to play rough on the road and to get their O to be a consistent threat – we’ll see. 

Arizona Cardinals – 7.5 – I feel like this is low. They did take a hit with some injuries, but they played like wildmen last year. This is a tough ass division, but I think they have 8 wins in them. Their defense is stout and their offense I think will be better this year with some consistency from last year. I don’t know if they’re world beaters, but they’re a sneaky team. They have always been a sneaky team. I think at least 8 wins. 


New England Patriots – 11.0 – Yeah. I mean they’re still the fucking Patriots and they’re still the favorites in this division by a lot and they did upgrade their offensive weaponry. They just haven’t ever faltered enough to doubt them. I don’t root for them by a long shot, but man are they good. I say 11 wins, 12 wins, who knows. Always one of the best teams in the league and they’ll still be that way. 

Miami Dolphins – 7.5 - 8 wins. Sure. I can see 8 wins. This is a make or break year for the Dolphins. I think their coach Joe Philbin has been doing a good job, but coaches that don’t get big win counts or playoff berths usually only stick around for a couple years. We’ll see. I think they will be better than last year and not worse. They were 8-8 last year and I think they can do that again and maybe better.  

New York Jets –  7.0 – This may be the first time in a long time that the Jets’ offense should be better than it was last year. They have improved their offense on paper at least. They have better backs, better receivers seemingly, and Geno played well in the preseason. No matter their woes before they never got worse than a middle of the pack team, so it’s tough to think they’ll fall to far no matter what. It just doesn’t seem in Rex Ryan to have a true failure record wise for a team, so 7 wins sounds reasonable. I hope less. 

Buffalo Bills – 6.5 – 6-10 last year? Yeah, I think they’re going to be about that this year as well. So, yeah, this is pretty spot on, but I’ll say more. I’ll say 7 wins, maybe 8. I don’t think anymore than that. I feel like they’re cursed more than anything with injuries in major areas, so there’s that, but yeah – a middle of the pack year for the Bills which is a positive considering their recent years. 

While on the subject of the Bills… here is the greatest stand-up comedy ever about the Buffalo Bills…


Cincinnati Bengals – 9.0 – Less. I’m surprised they think they’ll have that many wins as both their offensive and defensive coordinators have left them this year. I think the Bengals will have a tough year and fizzle out and at best be 7-9 or 8-8. I think they’ll have a rough go of things without the leadership from last year. They had struggles with that leadership, so I don’t expect them to be leading the pack in this division. 

Baltimore Ravens – 8.5 – In some ways, I’d like to think they are going to have a bad season. There is a lot of shit swirling around that team from Ray Rice being a piece of shit to other players getting into trouble as well, but I don’t know if I can admit to myself that they’ll be any worse than like a 9-7 or 10-6 team. They’re a consistently difficult franchise to beat no matter who is on the field for them and I have a hard time visualizing them having that big of a collapse. They were 8-8 last year and I feel like they’ll be better this year because last year was partly growing pains from the Super Bowl hangover.

Pittsburgh Steelers – 8.5 – I hope better. I hope they’re a 10-6 team. I hope they get back to playing the way they should. Honestly, they didn’t look all that good in the preseason. The defense looked vulnerable and the offense didn’t look that dialed in. Obviously, Blount and Bell should have been a huge positive for this season then those two doofuses get caught smoking pot while driving. Supposedly, Ben and Haley are over their issues and I hope they’re on the same page this year, but Sanders is gone and Pouncey is probably going to jail, so what the fuck. It’s 1 step forward, 2 steps back, who the fuck knows. They’re better than this shit and they know they know that, but it still means they need to go out there and prove it like everyone else.  

Cleveland Browns – 6.5 – Worse. I don’t think this team is getting 6 wins. If Josh Gordon wasn’t suspended for a full fucking year for having a nanobite of marijuana in him then they would easily have 6 wins, but not without him in my opinion. I don’t think they have enough of anything to get 6 wins. 4-12. 


Indianapolis Colts – 9.5 – More. I’d bet 10 wins, maybe 11. Andrew Luck is a winner. I don’t see this team losing to the Titans or the Jags and I think they’ll beat the Texans at least once. I think they’ll be fine and ride into the playoffs winning this division. 

Houston Texans – 7.5 – Seriously, what the fuck is going on with this team? Is the Penn State coach going to really turn this shit around? I don’t know. 7-9 or 8-8 would be a miracle from last year. They sure as hell will need huge seasons from JJ Watt and JaDaveon Clowney and I think they can get them. I think unless those two get injured that those two will be terrors, but I’m not sure who else will be. Their offense is suspect with a bunch of castoffs as quarterback options, injury prone running backs and wide receivers, and really just not much to hang your hat on. They can’t be worse than last year, but it will be tough to make those 7 wins. 

Tennessee Titans – 7.0 – Around that. I wouldn’t bet on them getting more than 7 wins. I wouldn’t go as far as saying they’re 8-8. New head coach in Ken Whisenhunt is a good move, but they’ve got a lot of shaky characters on their offense they need to rely on to have big years. Defense? I don’t think they’re world beaters either. 7 wins? Maybe. 8 or 9? I wouldn’t put money on it.

Jacksonville Jaguars – 5.0 – Yeah, they’re not good. They’ve signed some guys to make that defense better and honestly they really can’t be much worse on either side of the ball than they were the past few years. 5 wins is a lot for a team no one should have faith in. I’m saying less. 


Denver Broncos – 11.5 – Sure. 12 wins, 13 even. Why not? Peyton Manning had the greatest professional football season ever last year and it’s just crazy to think he’ll fall off that much this year. Honestly, he didn’t need to have the greatest professional football season last year to win the games they did. Most of his yards and touchdowns only added insult to injury in wins they already had in the books. If Peyton doesn’t break records this year then that’s fine. I don’t think he has to. He lost some players, but I think he’ll make due and make some new guys famous. As for Welker, Molly-Concussion-head will probably be back in the saddle week 5 to catch 15 passes for 115 yards. They have an early bye-week I know that – week 4. I think that will be a negative for them, but whatever. I don’t see them falling to pieces and being any worse than an 12-4 or 11-5 team. They’ll be back in the playoffs for sure.

Kansas City Chiefs – 8.0 – Their defense played so well in the beginning of the season last year, maybe they’ll come out on fire again and rattle them off. I don’t know. I’m conflicted with this team, but I think they’ll be better than 8 wins. 

San Diego Chargers – 8.0 – I think they’re going to be good. Real good. I think this is the year they pull a 10-6 or something out of their butts. I think they looked more than solid in preseason this year, I thought they were a better team than their record said last year and I think they have it in them to get back to the playoffs this year and make some noise. Who knows? Maybe their season is filled with East Coast trips and they’ll be fucked, but whatever. I think they’re a 10-6 team.

Oakland Raiders – 5.0 – I’ll say 6 wins. They surprise people. But yeah, I don’t think they’ll be good. They could just fall apart, but they’re a team that has been living in chaos for years. 4-12 last year? They’re a better ball club than last year, so 5 or 6 wins is possible. 


I’m done. 

I love you.


Two posts in 2 days?!?!?!? UN. HEARD. OF.

Yes, I’m here again. I’m here to talk about the Emmys Red Carpet. Yesterday, I was half-expecting I was going to talk about the MTV Music Awards Red Carpet, but I talked about other stuff and when I looked at the pictures – I didn’t recognize half of them. Thankfully, our need to give celebrities more awards besides monies and fame is so strong that there was another even more grandiose awards show last night that I didn’t watch on top of the of the grandiose awards show that was on Sunday that I didn’t watch. WOOOOO!!! 

As just mentioned like one second ago, I didn’t watch the Emmys. I caught a couple of Vines of it on Twitter, which has got to be the lowest amount of attention one can pay to anything and still call it attention. Literally, 12 seconds. Actually, one of them was an Instagram video, so it’s like 21 seconds. It was the part where I guess Andy Samberg was dressed as Joffrey from Game of Thrones. It was as amusing as anything needs to be for only 15 seconds of video on a 3 inch screen, but not enough to get me to change the channel from BACHELOR IN PARADISE

And, that’s saying a lot because I DO NOT enjoy Bachelor in Paradise. Why is there so little worthwhile entertainment on Monday? It’s like it’s a conspiracy! 

What happened on Bachelor in Paradise?

Do you remember Clare from Juan Pablo’s season? Well, she still looks good in a bikini and she still seems crazy. Most of the episode was cementing that knowledge in your head as I don’t think there was a single shot of Clare not in a bikini and her entire story arc was talking to some nearly 30 year old man who was wearing his snapback hat backwards and talking to him like he is at all ready to start a family or fall in love or do anything besides work on his lat muscles and text his ex-girlfriends that he was on TV. 

Then there was Michelle. Michelle whose last name is Money. Michelle Money. Could you imagine trying to talk to someone named Michelle Money? I couldn’t and I have a very active imagination – a caterpillar driving a car and the caterpillar is wearing glasses. Back to the point at hand, Michelle is either acting like a lunatic or talking about being a mother or both. In last night’s episode, she caused this huge fuss at the end of the episode by telling everyone this “juicy” gossip that dumbass AshLee – dumbass because she spells her name that way and dumbass because she thought there were spots on the island where cameras couldn’t see her or where the microphones couldn’t be picked up… YOU’RE ON A REALITY TV SHOW’S ISLAND COMPOUND THEY CAN SEE EVERYTHING!!!! – told her because she did it.

AshLee talked shit on Clare and thought she was OK to do it because she thought there were only like 4 cameras on this island and she wasn’t by any of those 4. The guy she was talking said shit to her pointed out another camera and then that’s when idiot AshLee realized that the TV show she’s on probably heard her say that shit. And so what? It’s not like this show is live streaming into everyone’s heads. Clare won’t find out for months! Either way, AshLee freaked out and told everyone and Michelle made sure to tell everyone again and add in that they should give a fuck because AshLee is bad news. 

With all that being said, Graham – last name Bunn? Seriously? – who is this 35 year old dimwit who for whatever reason is connected to AshLee even though they are NEVER seen talking to each other… he gets all pissy when he finds out AshLee talked shit on Clare. Like epicly pissy. Like when the busty blonde with a dumb spelled name went to give him a rose last night, he stormed off set and the show went to a black TO BE CONTINUED screen. That epic level of pissy. Graham’s a moron.

Also, Cody from last season of The Bachelorette showed up and got shot down by Clare and then he put the moves on Michelle and for whatever reason she liked it. EWWWWWWWWW. And a dude named K-A-L-O-N showed up and every girl rejected him. That was great. And Lacy has huge boobs. HUGE. I don’t remember her from Juan Pablo’s season, but I bet she would have done A LOT better with Juan Pablo if she ever showed him those thangs. They’re everywhere on this show. Lacy is not looking to make that mistake twice of not using her huge boobs to her advantage. 

On to the Emmys? SURE!


Did you know that Halle Berry is acting on TV? I didn’t. I really didn’t. I wasn’t expecting to see Halle in this slideshow at all. Honestly, Halle should be allowed to walk any red carpet ever because she’s that good looking. I don’t know how old Halle is, but she looks amazing for that age. So, we all agree that Halle is easily one of the most attractive human beings to ever exist or will exist and she could be an alien that shares similar form as humans, but extremely better looking. Right we all agree on that.

This is going to seem unfair, but I didn’t lay out this slideshow that I’m stealing these pictures from…


Is that a smile? If she’s smiling I guess it’s ok. If that isn’t a smile, it could be a quiet scream for help. Like, is Lena Dunham ok? Does anyone know? Can anyone call her and find out that she’s isn’t a victim of being mind-controlled by someone and the only thing she can do to let us know she’s in distress is by wearing “clothes” that look like this? 

Also, this is just stupid looking. She looks stupid. I mean if she likes it and is happy then great for her and really as long as her and her little boyfriend are happy about it then that’s the only thing that matters, but to me you look like you want to look like an idiot. I know I’m not in love with the show GIRLS, but even if you are – isn’t there a limit on the “genius” of Lena. Sure, she’s young and woman and apparently we’re supposed to be so surprised there are young and funny women in the world, but once we get past bowing down to her for that – this “dress” looks like soft serve ice cream throw up. Like the throw up where you scratch something on the way up to retch and there’s some blood in it. 

If Lena wears this to troll the whole idea of awards shows then I guess good for her. But if this is “fashion” then I can definitely be a fashion designer because there is no way in hell that I could put her in clothes that are less flattering than this. 

Still flashing that tat though. No matter what dress or shirt or sack Lena wears – that dreamcatcher shoulder tat is being shown off like it’s a fucking work of Mona Lisa like art. 

Yahoo! gave this dress a D. I give it a double D because Katherine Heigl is showing off some tittays! 

No euphemism or metaphors there. 

Is Katherine Heigl on a TV show? Either way, I don’t see what’s so bad about this dress. It looks like something Helen Mirren would wear and people would drench themselves in their own splooge over it. I guess because Heigl is half Mirren’s age then it’s not for her, but I don’t mind it at all. So, I guess it’s an older style, but a D? Jeez. 

She’s the best. 

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is a rare talent. She’s funny. Like actually funny. She can make dialogue sound funny, she can do physical comedy, and she does them both all the time without people even noticing. When people think of physical comedy, they think of Chevy Chase tumbling down a flight of steps or Chris Farley jumping through a table. That’s an aspect of physical comedy. There’s also physical comedy that is more subtle, more real, and is actually ACTING. Like if Julia is playing a character who feels uncomfortable she not only says the uncomfortable dialogue, but she changes her speech patterns, her facial expressions change, her posture changes, she does something with her hands, she actually does SOMETHING to show she’s uncomfortable. She’s not just standing there and saying the words in front of a camera, which is really about what 90% of the actors do. 

And she’s looking great here and she’s been hot for like 30 years now, so she’s the fucking best. 

Danielle and I watched ENOUGH SAID the other day. It’s solid. I liked it. I liked it a lot. I thought they were all great in it. She’s great in it. Great. It’s not a big performance, but she nails this performance in the small movie that they made. Gandolfini and Keener were great and that girl who looked like Michelle Williams – Tavi Gevinson who played Chloe – I thought she was really good too. I enjoyed it. 

VEEP is the best show on TV and I would definitely watch Julia in more movies.


Is this a post-partem thing? Odd judgement in the face of being recently unpregnant? 

Kerry Washington is a very attractive woman and it appears that whoever the designer is forgot they were making a dress for this pretty lady until 15 minutes before she showed up. Just grab some orange, cut it in half, wrap it around her, glue the top half together, throw some glitter on the extra glue that you used, and… wait a minute… the gap for legs to move is too big that it would show off her chooch! Hmmm… ok, throw on these glittery black hot pants that were in the garbage a minute ago. EXCELLENT! Now, go on TV!


As you can guess, Yahoo! gave this dress a BONER. WOOOOO!!!

It was an A and deservedly so because Sofia Vergara is in it. Honestly, they should have had Lena and Sofia switch dresses to see if even Vergara could make that shitty dress look fucking hot. 

You don’t really have to be a genius to dress Sofia – tight everywhere and then let her boobs breathe… done.

This got an A-. I’m kind of whatever on it. It looks kind of flat and drab, but whatever. The top is fun, but the closer you get to the floor with your eyes the life just gets sucked out of it. 

For a second I thought that the daughter on The Leftovers was Julianna’s daughter, but it’s Andie MacDowel’s daughter. Ugh. I hate that chick. Not Andie, but her daughter. In real life she could be fine, but she is the fucking worst on that TV show.

Either way, nothing to do with Julianna. Looking good Julianna.

There she is!

The dress and lady everyone was talking about at least on my twitter feed. And, yeah, she looks great. 

If you didn’t know, little cherubic angel kid actress turned sassy sexy country girl actress Hayden has copulated with a Ukrainian giant and has their spawn growing inside her tummy, which she is caressing. Hayden’s glowing, her boobs are showing, and everybody was happy, right? Right! Ok.

Hey Robin, someone stole the back of your jacket.

I feel like Robin should have kept joking all night how drafty it was in there.

I really hope this is where pants suits are going and in 2016 this is what H-Rod Clinton will be sporting during her Presidential run.

Also, is it just me or does she look like David Bowie more than looking like Robin Wright? Maybe she saw that David Bowie Showtime documentary and got inspired.

This just looks heavy to me. Honestly, could January Jones fit into a seat at the theater? I can’t imagine she could in all of that. And as much attention they pay to the dress, it just looks like she has some ratty bangs.

If Elisabeth Moss is wearing red too then maybe the Mad Men women are planning something!

Christina looks good. Next time just caught off that one shoulder strap and give the people to your right a shot at the money makers as well. And, I feel like her hair should have been up. I don’t know if that is part of my Kinsey-scale showing through or what, but I’m not feeling the hair being down like that.


This woman right here knows how to dress! This is how you pitch a show too. Viola’s on maybe the 678th murder explanation show on TV and she’s selling it to you with her bosom. Her beautiful bosom of murder explaining.

Nick Kroll is a lucky man. They’re still together, right?

Either way, Amy Poehler is showing off the goods in this disco queen dress. I like it. I really don’t like the big poofy dresses and I don’t like the dresses with all this nonsense that looks like it is stapled to it and I like boobs. So, that’s what we’re getting here. It’s shiny and I like shiny things too. Also, it looks like whoever did Amy’s hair was not a mental patient like whoever did January Jones’ hair or several of the other women. Well done, Amy.

Also, Amy – I’m talking directly to you – I’ve been watching your brother’s show WELCOME TO SWEDEN. It’s alright. I’m more or less supporting it because it is your brother and because Will Ferrell was on an episode, but I just wanted you to know that.

Where are the boobs? I know I’m a broken record on this, but they’re about the best fashion accessory for a dress ever. A great butt is great fashion accessory as well, but it’s not as classy to accentuate the butt for some reason. Boobs? You can highlight the fuck out of them and everyone or mostly everyone is ok with them. I like Anna a lot and she’s great on VEEP and everything… but she’s hiding her boobs from us in this photographer’s nightmare all white dress against an all white background. She has boobs, but she’s hiding them. 

This got a B. What? I don’t like any of this. 

Does that even look like Zooey to you? It doesn’t to me. Where are the bangs and the eyes? And then this tube like prom dress. I don’t like it. 

Bam! Boobs. And… guns. Look at the arms on LaVerne Cox. I mean she’s doing well for herself, but that is an unfortunate name to me. LaVerne is harsh name. What if her name was Cheryl? Right? Doesn’t that just seem better to begin with? I mean we don’t even need to change the last name. Cheryl Cox. There’s some alliteration there. Peter Parker, Cheryl Cox. It’s nice. You can whisper Cheryl. You can’t whisper LaVerne. 

The cape is interesting and probably not something I would have thought, but you’re telling me that I would have done too much different if I was designing a dress? We’re going to feature huge boobs and your sinewy arms. That’s easy arithmetic right there.



Danielle said that this dress looked like pubes. Yes, pubes. And now getting a second look at it, pubes speckled with blood. Phenomenal.

I thought it looked like spiders when I saw it and the red was the spider markings or red beady spider eyes or something, but either way – it was not good. Not good.

Seriously, why would you want to wear a dress that is just a mess of netting? Like 1000 hairnets stapled together. After you wear the dress, you could catch some tuna out on the water for dinner. 

Fuck these people.

See! This isn’t rocket science! You’ve got a woman… actually, you’ve got an actress who is on TV and 99.9999% of them are going to be good looking. So you make a dress that fits her body and at the same time shows off she has a body – a woman’s body. And then the “tricky” part, make sure you can see some boobs. BINGO! PRESTO! She looks wonderful!

As for those in charge of make-up and hair? Don’t make her look like a crazed meth head, ok? Make her look like a clean, happy person and BINGO PRESTO – she looks wonderful. 

Fuck! Is it that difficult?

Crazy Eyes – you look wonderful.

This is the absolute best that Kaley Cuoco has looked on any of these red carpet events. I can’t believe Yahoo gave this a C+ because for Kaley this is like an A++++++ because usually she wears something that is a cross between what Lena Dunham and Kelly Osbourne are wearing. 

I’m not loving the layered netting nonsense. But she’s got a corset on that’s showing off some boobs and skin and whoever did her hair and make-up didn’t make her look like a corpse bride like she usually goes for. Hey, Kaley, you’re a pretty blonde and you’re semi dressed like one – congratulations.

I’m not really into this dress at all because it reminds me of a creamsicle and it looks thrown together, but this is pretty good for Sarah. Half the time I feel like they make her up to look like a Bratz doll meets a high end escort. Like if Bratz did a high end escort doll. Like Hookerz. I don’t know. You work it out. She looks less like a Bratz doll than usual. It’s strange because she looks pretty on Modern Family and she looks natural on the show, but on these red carpets they really like to doll her up and she starts to look like Bratz. 

I don’t know why this was only a B+. I think Sarah looks great. Her hair looks glamorous, her boobs look phenomenal, and she won a damn Emmy. Big night for Sarah Silverman. 

This got an A-.

Do you know who that is?

It’s Gwen Stefani. 

I don’t know. I think she looks weird in this. This is one of the better photos of her too. I saw another one and she looked like Dominica Versace and I mean that in all the negative ways that was intended. 


HAHAHAH… I just looked at what Yahoo said and they said that this was a Versace outfit. I’M A FUCKING GENIUS! I know what the fuck I’m talking about you motherfuckers! I’ve watched 2 seasons of Project Runway and seen countless pictures of chick celebrities in dresses – I got this shit on LOCKDOWN! 

I like it. It’s fun and playful and if Bowen’s not going to show off her incredible legs then this is at least nice to look at. 

But… what the fuck Bowen? Seriously, with all the women out there doing that leg through the slit of their dress thing – you would think Bowen would do it. When she’s on late night talk shows, she’s basically in a t-shirt and no pants that’s how much legs she’s showing off, but here – you can’t see shit. 

So, maybe I don’t like it as much as I thought. It’s nice though and different, but more legs are needed. ALL THE LEGS!

Where are the boobs, Rauch? We know you’ve got them. Stop hiding them from us! 

The rest of it is nice. I mean it fits her nicely and all that jazz. Nice hair and she’s showing off shoulders and all that. 


Kate Mara looks thoroughly unhappy AND she’s smiling. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

I don’t get it. Well, maybe it is that they’ve colored in her eyes and several inches around them to be a dark black like she’s been possessed by a demon. That might be it. Then they curled her hair around her face to create more shade as if she’s like some faceless phantom who doesn’t want her secret known. THEN they put her in a nearly all white dress like she’s a ghost bride haunting the red carpet. 

So, yeah. 

Something happened to Kate Mara where she doesn’t like glow with life anymore. Maybe it was that stint on Entourage or American Horror Story, but there was a time when Kate Mara looked alive. On House of Cards, it might as well have been revealed that her character was already dead before she became dead because she looked like she had been surviving on a diet of two croutons and a cup of coffee grounds. 

Anyway… that’s the red carpet.

Boobs win again. 

It’s true.

I’m not even doing it in a dirty/nasty way or something.

Like, I’m not slapping my ass while sipping on champagne. I enjoy drinking it so much that at times I feel like I should be slapping my own ass while doing it.

Like, I’m not pinching my nipples – my guy nips – while sipping on that champagne. I enjoy it so much that at I times it would be apropos for me to pinch my nippies while doing it.

Like, I’m not pouring on my naked bicep then licking it off to get my bubbly fill. I enjoy it so much… nah, I don’t think it would ever be enjoyable to lick champagne off my bicep. Probably catch a rash doing something like that.

But – people seem to enjoy the hell out of me drinking champagne.

People notice it, make note of it, and it gives them a motherfucking smile on their face!

It’s true. It’s true.

I guess it has to do with image of a champagne drinker and that I’m not that image personified at all.

Not many people picture a dude my size height or stomach girth to be drinking that bubbly and then they don’t picture him drinking upwards of 20 glasses of it and all of that makes those peeps smile. Toothy smiles!


That’s what happened over the weekend as I went to a wedding with Danielle and as I’m want’em to do – I drank like 18 glasses of champagne. And, I would order them two at a time. Sometimes, that second glass was for Danielle. Sometimes, that second glass was for me as well as the first glass. But they didn’t need to know that.

You know who also loves champagne?

Bill Murray. BILL MURRAY. And, I don’t drink champagne because Bill Murray drinks champagne. It’s just something Bill and I have in common. Bill Murray and I have things in common. And, Bill was asked once about his champagne drinking habits and how he can drink so much of it. His “insight” was to make sure the champagne is always cold – always – and to drink it with ice. Ice! That’s his “pro tip”. Because the ice keeps it cold and the ice melts and you get some of that much need water in your system as well as the champagne.

I have not gone out of my way to keep up with this routine of ice in the champagne, but I do make sure to drink lots of water when I’m drinking lots of other stuff. But it’s a good tip. You need that water in you because booze does dehydrate you. Water. Champagne. Champagne. Water. Just keep it flowing in you.


I know it has been awhile since I last posted, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about you – Yes, YOU! – a lot. I think about you. I imagine you. I imagine you petting puppies. I picture you smelling flowers. I see you listening to Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy”. I daydream about you eating frozen yogurt. I hope you’re staring at my post about Meshach Taylor and hitting refresh waiting until I post again. All that stuff. It boils down touch, smell, hearing, tasting, and seeing. The 5 senses, y’all. Never forget ‘em. 

What else has been going on though?

Well, for awhile, the world was falling apart. Yep.

Robin Williams killed himself. Cops killed everyone else. And, ISIS stopped being the funny fake secret agency on Archer and became a real live not funny murderous group of assholes killing everyone their jeeps come across. 

All I have to say about that is whatever cops – and it seems like all of them nowadays – we catch doing awful shit, they should be immediately shipped to Iraq and Syria to take on ISIS. Like if you’re that officer who was just caught on his own dashcam beating up a woman on the hood of his car in broad daylight with a few other cops watching, well all y’all are getting a free vacation to Northern Iraq. Like right at the Iraq/Syria border. 

It’s like how back in the day at colleges where the football team would just recruit people on campus. They see some kid playing frisbee who is 6’3″ and he lays out for a catch in the middle of the quad. Guess what? You’ve got an invitation to be on the team and try out for tight end. Do you want to threaten protestors with an AR-15 in Missouri? Try threatening some extremist militia in the middle east instead of helping turn our police into an extremist militia because in some areas of our country that’s what they’re turning into. 

What else has happened?

Preseason NFL football. The biggest dick tease of them all.

I’ve watched a couple games and bits and pieces of others, but it’s tough to watch. It’s like watching football from another universe or watching a friend play videogame football. Are you that interested in who is winning or losing? Is this really a good proving ground for what’s going to happen in the season? I don’t know. It’s been going on for decades and no one knows. It’s just weird, but it means one thing – actual football is right around the corner.

So, what’s happened during the preseason?

Well, Johnny Football hasn’t been anything special. That’s for sure. His stats are nearly identical to the stats of Brian Hoyer who he is competing against for that starting job. Nearly identical, but worse. Since you may have never heard of Mr. Hoyer let me make mention that he was an UNDRAFTED quarterback out of Michigan State who has bounced around a little in the league as a back-up. He was undrafted. Meanwhile, Mr. Football over there was the Heisman trophy winner and a first round draft pick. So, he’s been nothing special. 

Manziel did get sacked by Michael Sam the other day. Yes, that Michael Sam. Yes, the gay one.

And fuck yeah to Michael Sam for sacking Senor Rat Face. Got to love Michael Sam. Got to hope Michael Sam because one bad ass fatherfucker on the field. Got to. Wouldn’t it be great to live in a world where the baddest dude on the field who is barking at the quarterback like “I’m going to fuck you up!” actually means it and could get his penis rigid and have sex with that man’s butt? Maybe that’s just me that thinks that would be great, but whatever.

Will Michael Sam help gay rights or at least the perception of gay people? Sure. I mean him being gay and him being able to sack Johnny Manziel have absolutely nothing to do with each other. I mean it does show that openly gay people can play in the NFL, if they’re openly gay and just so happen to be 6’2″, 260 pounds of gay muscle with a mix of speed and technique in there as well. He’s a big inspiration to the genetic freak huge gay guys out there I’m sure. 

I’m rooting for him nonetheless.

Seattle looks like they’re going to win another Superbowl. There may need to be a rule implemented that they’re only allowed to play 10 guys on defense or if they have an 11th then he has his hands tied behind his back or something.

Chicago looks bad. Not bad ass, but bad. Same with Dallas. I don’t see Dallas or Chicago doing much this year. I keep catching their games and they don’t look good. I’m not expecting a whole hell of a lot from Atlanta either.

HARD KNOCKS!!! I love Hard Knocks. Atlanta is this season’s team and they don’t look that great. Their defense looks wildly suspect. Their offense looks like it might need to score 40 points to win a game and their offensive line looks brittle. They have several high quality wide receivers, but it is an awful lot to put on a team to throw a ton of touchdowns because no one else is pulling their weight. Nevertheless, I have been enjoying the show. I enjoy watching Bryan Cox smoke cigars and tell his players they can’t date his daughter. I enjoy watching Mike Tice strut around like he’s Tony Soprano. I enjoy learning about Harry Douglas. Boy, do I love learning about his analretentive ass and the weird way he bowls. Yes, bowls. 

I don’t know if the Jets found Dimitri Patterson, but only the Jets would have a player go AWOL on them for like 4 days including a game at home against the Giants. 

Chargers have looked good. Broncos have looked good. Jadeveon Clowney has looked good – not sure about the Texans in general though.

As for my Steelers… our running back tandem of thunder (Blount) and lightning (Bell) got themselves arrested for smoking herb and for a DUI. So, what the fuck. They haven’t looked good in the preseason. I hope they can turn that around in a couple weeks, obviously. 



Danielle and I watched Halt and Catch Fire. It surprisingly got renewed. Honestly, the show got better as it went on, but it ain’t great. I doubt it will have a third season, but I’ll watch the second season. It was interesting enough and well acted enough, but not a lot is happening. It needs to get more intricate with its writing and stop having every episode feature someone reaching an epiphany 6 minutes before the episode ends.

The Leftovers… Honestly, I hate it. They sadly got renewed and I doubt I’ll watch next season. I might, but I doubt it. I have never watched a television show where I’m not rooting for anyone. I’m rooting for the writers to kill everyone off and replace them with people that I could actually give a fuck about. I hate all the characters. HATE. ALL. OF. THEM.

Is it Damon Lindelof’s fault? He’s the mastermind behind this, right? I loved LOST. So, what happened? I feel like maybe J.J. Abrams or Jeffrey Lieber or Carlton Cuse or someone else was the guy who knew how to make characters likable because Lindelof seems incapable of doing that in this show. 

I have so many questions while watching The Leftovers, but none of those questions concern people disappearing into thin air. I have questions like who the fuck am I supposed to be rooting for? Who am I supposed to care about? Why is Justin Thereoux wearing eye-liner? Does Justin Thereoux’s character do anything as a cop? Shouldn’t the chief of police have more on his plate? Why is the mayor sexing a man twice her age? How did these Asian girls not realize they were all Wayne’s sex toys that he was impregnating? SERIOUSLY, HOW WAS THAT NOT A SHOCK!!!?!?!?!?!?! 

Have you seen the show? If you haven’t bear with me here… at the beginning of the show, a cowboy kind of looking fellow is taken to a ranch in the hills of Nevada or Utah or something. And the compound is heavily guarded by white dudes with machine guns. Inside this place, the cowboy was paying a lot of money to see some black guy named Wayne who was clearly the leader of this outfit. Like a religious cult leader. Either way, at this compound, there was a pool party scene of Asian chicks like a dozen to two dozen of them in bikinis hanging out by the pool. 

From that description alone… what do you think is happening? Is he running an ultra high end nail salon? Or is it that the black guy who is in charge of all this shit is banging all those Asian chicks? The latter. Maybe the former too, but the latter is definitely. THEN we see a scene where the black guy – Wayne – interacts with one Asian chick and he has his hands on her butt and they kiss and then we find out she’s preggers with Wayne’s baby. 

Ok. Not a surprise, right? None of this is surprising, right? As mentioned, there were like 2 dozen Asian chicks. We only follow one of them as she escapes this shoot out raid of the compound with the boring step-son of Justin Thereoux. At no point, does boring step-son or the Asian chick show that they know he was impregnating all these other Asian chicks as well. So, what? He just so happened to have 2 dozen Asian chicks in bikinis just for the hell of it and was monogamous with one of them? Is that what they think was happening? Why would they think that? That’s against any form of logic – human logic, dolphin logic, dog logic… you know? 

Eventually, the stupid step-son meets another one of those Asian chicks down the road and finds out she’s pregnant too and it’s a shock to him. Why? It’s a shock to her that the other Asian chick is pregnant? Why? I get that Wayne may have lied to her and said, ‘You’re special. You’re the only one.’ But c’mon! Lindelof must be fine writing the dumbest characters to ever on television that they don’t suspect that Wayne could be having sex with all of the 2 dozen Asian chicks in bikinis who are hanging out by his pool for the sole purpose to hang out with him. It’s just fucking stupid. That’s not a switch-er-roo or a curveball or a mystery. It’s pure stupidity that his characters could not put 2 and 2 together. What the fuck were 2 dozen Asian chicks doing in bikinis at this guy’s house? 


The people at The Daily Planet were stupid seeing pictures of Superman and then seeing Clark Kent and not being able to imagine that one is the other with glasses on/off. And, these people on The Leftovers are equally as stupid.

I just really do not like the show. Scene by scene I don’t even like the show. Like what was with last night’s incestual over/under tones. What son at like 20 something years old has a conversation in only their underwear with their mom while lying in bed with her touching his arms? Mom and son who are about to have sex. That is not how people talk. 

Also, I don’t know about how you people are with your siblings, but I don’t even remember a time in my life where my sister and I would talk or hang out and be draped all over each other. Is this what TV and movies think siblings are like? Is the movie and TV industry somehow filled with only only sibling people and this is how they imagine brothers and sisters act with each other?

Brother: Hey, sis, *approaches from behind and wraps his arms around her entire upper body and then holds this position* what are you eating for breakfast?

Sister: *giggles with glee* You’re so silly, bro. *Nuzzles head against her brother’s arms and chest and smells his musk* I’m having eggs. 

Brother: *kisses sister on cheek then forehead then strips ass naked* I love eggs!

- end scene -

That’s what The Leftovers is like and a thousand other shows. Totally normal brother sister interaction, right? 

Oh yeah, we’re also watching The Knick. It’s whatever. It feels like they had an idea for AN episode and now they’re stretching it into a television show. Or more so, they had AN idea for the beginning of a show and, now, we’ve watched like 4 episodes of that beginning of a show. I feel like it’s the Knick as Groundhog’s day. I GET IT. Clive Owen does drugs, the nurse wants to fuck him, the black doctor gets no respect, every patient dies no matter what their ailment is, the hospital costs more money than it earns, and no one talks to each other. 

So… yeah…

That’s what I’ve been up to.

Also, Danielle and I took our engagement photos in a field of sunflowers and surprisingly didn’t get stung by a thousand bees. 


Hey, I’m still alive! I know, I’m happy about that too.

Actually, I have been pretty active on Twitter – @jordan_is_ok – so my presence has been floating around and making sarcastic and cutting comments out there in the ether.


I haven’t been posting regularly over here or really posting at all since I believe my last post was a month ago. Has it really been that long? Let me check… I just beat a month! AH-HAH!



Ole’ sour puss, frowny face chose the black labrador of life Josh Murray to be her probable first divorce. SNAP! BURN SAUCE! I’ve still got it!

Well, looking at the track record of the show and the track record of marriage in general, they’re not likely to stick together.

Let’s see how long Andi lasts when she’s not the center of attention and Josh feels the need to move to Kansas City to support his brother’s career as a back-up quarterback for the Chiefs. So, we’ll see.

Let’s go back to the beginning and by beginning I mean prior to the 3 hour extravaganza that was last night’s Oscar like marathon last episode of The Bachelorette.





Well, because she could not stop giving that squirrely haired dude all the besos. By besos, I mean kisses. And by kisses, I mean WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS THAT ANDI IS DOING WITH HER MOUTH WHEN SHE’S NOT FROWNING.

When Andi thinks or listens or simply doesn’t talk, she frowns.

When Andi gets intimate, she mashes her nose into her lover or opponent’s face causing her to snort and suck in hard for breath because she’s destroying her breathing canals THEN she scrunches up her lips and tries to get them as close to her nose as possible thus making her breathing even more awkward and labored PLUS it means that she’s now desperately reaching for and sometimes missing the other person’s lips because why would a person ever choose to do with with their face stuff, which inevitable makes Andi make a grotesque sucking sound like a vampire trying to get that last bit of a blood out of an open wound on an obese Comic Con nerd cosplaying as Daryl from “The Walking Dead”.

Am I wrong about any of that?!

If I could illustrate what it sounds like when these two were kissing last night with words it would be…



And it was disgusting.

But I digress!

I’m jumping all over the map… back to the beginning…

I thought Andi would pick Nick because she seemed more into Nick than anyone else. When Andi would see Nick she would light the fuck up in a way that no one has ever done in Nick’s lifetime. Nick is attractive enough and at the same time he’s a goofy looking fuck with gap teeth and ununderstandable hair and an entire wardrobe of clothing tighter than your average super-heroine.

The episode kicked off with Nick meeting Andi’s parents, her sister, and her beta-male brother-in-law and then Josh met them. Both Josh and Nick kept talking about how important it was to impress Andi’s parents and all that. I’m not saying that was entirely false, but it wasn’t entirely true either.

Andi was on The Bachelor, remember? Andi made it to the final 4, which meant dumbass Juan Pablo did get the chance to go to Atlanta or the suburbs of Atlanta and meet Andi’s family including the beta-male brother-in-law. Andi’s parents did not seem to like Juan Pablo, especially Andi’s dad Hy. Nevertheless, Andi continued on with the show and made it through another cut to be apart of the final 3. See, if Andi’s parents didn’t have a say in Andi continuing to chase some Hispanic lothario who had no clear grasp of the English language or other people’s feelings then why would they have any say in the choice between two guys who are tripping over themselves to tell Andi how much they are in love with her… in love with her for no real discernable reason other than they haven’t been allowed to see another female for the past 6 weeks.

Back to the matter at hand, did you see Andi’s sister’s sea turtle tattoo?! HAHAHAHAHAH! I don’t know why it’s so funny, but it is and I think it has to do with some sordid sexual past that she does not discus and is the reason why she married a man who has less testosterone per capita than any other man who has ever been seen on television. I mean there’s a reason you marry a guy like that and the reason is is that he’ll never question you for as long as he shall continue to exist. It’s not “living” what he’s doing, it’s existing because he has no freewill and he cannot choose to argue or have an opinion because his body doesn’t produce any hormones let alone the ones that encourage having a proverbial backbone.


Hy is really a big frowny faced mush like his daughter and the two of them just loved them some Nick and Josh.

After that, Nick and Josh both got their own 1-on-1 date, which for Josh was a bunch of hand holding and kissing on a boat and for Nick it was a bunch of hand holding and kissing on a beach.

At the end of each date, both Josh and Nick gave Andi a present. A present they had “made”. Making presents like they were children. Making presents like they had an arts & crafts time during The Bachelorette recess hour.

Josh… because everything relates to him being a semi-pro baseball player… Josh “made” Andi a baseball card with her “stats” on it. He also wrote her a letter, which is the 1000th letter someone has hand-written Andi over the course of that season. 1000 awkward ass letters.

Nick… because he’s simply a creepy weirdo… Nick “made” Andi a necklace, which has a vile of sand as the centerpiece. Sand? Sand that was from the beach that the two had their first date at or shared their first kiss or whatever. Also, he said that he snuck back to that beach to nab that vile of sand. That is a horrible unattractive and non-sexy image of a 33 year old man with gap teeth sneaking out of his room at night like a mischievous Summer camp kid and going to the beach to collect a “vile” of sand. Does he carry viles around with him? Probably. Or did he get a pocketful of sand that he had to carry and carry and move and carry and move and carry until he finally found a vile store and stored it once and for all on this dumbass necklace, which she probably threw away the next day. Isn’t it just weird and strangely apropos to picture Nick hoarding his sacred sand and making sure none of the other contestants saw it?

This may be why the dude was cut in the end.

After six million commercial breaks, Josh is shown choosing a disgusting looking gawdy diamond ring that looks more like costume jewelry, but whatever – Disney paid for it.

Meanwhile, Nick is shown …


I forgot something…


Forgot about that, but now it is burned into my memory once again…

Right, so, both guys got to spend the night – seemingly bang, which we’ll talk about momentarily JUST YOU WAIT – with Andi.

When the date segments were over, Disney decided to transition us into the “final day” segment by starting with what each of these idiots being contemplative about these idiotic events that “final morning”.

And that’s when a topless Nick was shown opening a window, a topless Josh was shown looking at himself in the mirror, and a seemingly figuratively and literally lost Andi was shown in her sail like cover-up aimlessly walking around the Dominican Republic. In conclusion, Disney showed us four man nips and Andi playing a wayward Lady MacBeth.

Back to Nick in his room waiting for his ring…

We saw Josh choose his hideous ring. Now, it was time for Nick to choose his hideous ring as he receives a knock at the door, which he assumes is the diamond guy … BUT …

It’s fucking giggles herself, ANDI.

Andi is there to tell Nick that shit just got real… real over.

Nick is 100% caught off guard because the dude thought he had this competition in the bag, but guess not – slow-and-steady (emphasis on slow) Josh was winning this shit!

Nick did say that Andi took things too far, which was pretty funny because isn’t that what Juan Pablo said of Clare. Slut-shaming! Amazing. Anyway, Nick kept saying that Andi took things too far and his example was that of Andi more or less telling him that she loved him by saying she wanted to say things, but she couldn’t. And, we all assume that she can’t say she loves him because the show wouldn’t allow it because it probably doesn’t allow her to say shit like that. Either way, Andi took things “too far”. And that was that.

Nick was gone.

Andi goes on to the final rose ceremony where a too tight in the pants suit wearing Josh won the show and gave a speech longer than this post about how he loved Andi as much as he loved baseball, which sounds stupid, but is probably the deepest shit Josh has ever said to anyone ever.

Then the snort sucking face fuck fest began as Josh and Andi were engaged! WOOO!!!




There is gap-toothed Nick and he’s not happy. He’s never happy. He’s never happy even when he’s wearing one of those billowy scarves.

That’s when The Bachelorette finale got weirder than necessary – although appreciated – as it turns out Nick has become a STALKER in the time since he was dismissed from Andi’s harem.

We found out that Nick has tried to talk to Andi on 3 occasions and, of course, has written her fucking letters. And Andi has had the choice to refuse to see Nick on those occasions, but TONIGHT IS YOUR NIGHT STALKER NICK BECAUSE DISNEY IS FORCING ANDI TO MEET YOU!


Andi and Nick sit down in front of an audience of random unhappy housewives as well as a litany of prior Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants and with cameras on broadcasting to the world.

What does Nick have to say to his victim errr love Andi?

Well, after several minutes of mealy-mouthed Nick searching for the right words to convince Andi that she made the wrong choice for a fiance 10 minutes before she is about to grace this exact same couch with her current fiance for the first time ever… Nick had one card to play and that was…



YEAH! Disney put a dude on stage to say that he boned her and she still didn’t choose him!

That’s pretty fucking amazing if you think about it.


Humped his pen-iss and then dumped his dimwitted face. It was great. What a fucking amazing moment in women’s liberation! What a great moment in gender equality! What a great moment for vaginas the world over that they could say, ‘Yeah, we fucked you, but you gots to go.’

Seriously, that was some fucking excellent shit right there. I mean when I was in high school I had to read that stupid ass book THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING GOD more or less because Oprah told us to and that whole book was about a women banging her husband, but not loving him AND at the same time banging some other dude who was not her husband and loving him when she was banging him. It was a book about choice, love, and vagina banging. It also sucked, but that’s neither here nor there.

Then sad stupid ass Nick left.

Then happy stupid ass Josh showed up and him and Andi talked about stupid shit then they talked about how Andi frowns and then for whatever fucking reason Disney brought out Grumpy cat and then the show ended at some point amid six billion commercials for BACHELOR IN PARADISE.

Which… by the way… in the extended trailer for the season showed someone getting arrested and someone shouting that there was so much blood everywhere and then the trailer ended and it cut back to Chris Harrison smiling and saying, “it’s a must watch!” UHHHHH IS BACHELOR IN PARADISE A SNUFF FILM?!?!?!?!?!?!? DID DISNEY MAKE A SNUFF FILM?!?!?!?!?!?


Well, probably not because usually all this shit turns out to be bullshit melodrama that is edited together to make it look like something like a murder did happen, but I guess fingers crossed that it is a snuff film because it starts Monday and I’ll probably end up watching another season of this horse shit.

Josh and Andi are engaged.

Chris the Farmer is probably going to be the next The Bachelor.

And you got a new post.

I love you.


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