Hello!

Two posts in 2 days?!?!?!? UN. HEARD. OF.

Yes, I’m here again. I’m here to talk about the Emmys Red Carpet. Yesterday, I was half-expecting I was going to talk about the MTV Music Awards Red Carpet, but I talked about other stuff and when I looked at the pictures – I didn’t recognize half of them. Thankfully, our need to give celebrities more awards besides monies and fame is so strong that there was another even more grandiose awards show last night that I didn’t watch on top of the of the grandiose awards show that was on Sunday that I didn’t watch. WOOOOO!!! 

As just mentioned like one second ago, I didn’t watch the Emmys. I caught a couple of Vines of it on Twitter, which has got to be the lowest amount of attention one can pay to anything and still call it attention. Literally, 12 seconds. Actually, one of them was an Instagram video, so it’s like 21 seconds. It was the part where I guess Andy Samberg was dressed as Joffrey from Game of Thrones. It was as amusing as anything needs to be for only 15 seconds of video on a 3 inch screen, but not enough to get me to change the channel from BACHELOR IN PARADISE

And, that’s saying a lot because I DO NOT enjoy Bachelor in Paradise. Why is there so little worthwhile entertainment on Monday? It’s like it’s a conspiracy! 

What happened on Bachelor in Paradise?

Do you remember Clare from Juan Pablo’s season? Well, she still looks good in a bikini and she still seems crazy. Most of the episode was cementing that knowledge in your head as I don’t think there was a single shot of Clare not in a bikini and her entire story arc was talking to some nearly 30 year old man who was wearing his snapback hat backwards and talking to him like he is at all ready to start a family or fall in love or do anything besides work on his lat muscles and text his ex-girlfriends that he was on TV. 

Then there was Michelle. Michelle whose last name is Money. Michelle Money. Could you imagine trying to talk to someone named Michelle Money? I couldn’t and I have a very active imagination – a caterpillar driving a car and the caterpillar is wearing glasses. Back to the point at hand, Michelle is either acting like a lunatic or talking about being a mother or both. In last night’s episode, she caused this huge fuss at the end of the episode by telling everyone this “juicy” gossip that dumbass AshLee – dumbass because she spells her name that way and dumbass because she thought there were spots on the island where cameras couldn’t see her or where the microphones couldn’t be picked up… YOU’RE ON A REALITY TV SHOW’S ISLAND COMPOUND THEY CAN SEE EVERYTHING!!!! – told her because she did it.

AshLee talked shit on Clare and thought she was OK to do it because she thought there were only like 4 cameras on this island and she wasn’t by any of those 4. The guy she was talking said shit to her pointed out another camera and then that’s when idiot AshLee realized that the TV show she’s on probably heard her say that shit. And so what? It’s not like this show is live streaming into everyone’s heads. Clare won’t find out for months! Either way, AshLee freaked out and told everyone and Michelle made sure to tell everyone again and add in that they should give a fuck because AshLee is bad news. 

With all that being said, Graham – last name Bunn? Seriously? – who is this 35 year old dimwit who for whatever reason is connected to AshLee even though they are NEVER seen talking to each other… he gets all pissy when he finds out AshLee talked shit on Clare. Like epicly pissy. Like when the busty blonde with a dumb spelled name went to give him a rose last night, he stormed off set and the show went to a black TO BE CONTINUED screen. That epic level of pissy. Graham’s a moron.

Also, Cody from last season of The Bachelorette showed up and got shot down by Clare and then he put the moves on Michelle and for whatever reason she liked it. EWWWWWWWWW. And a dude named K-A-L-O-N showed up and every girl rejected him. That was great. And Lacy has huge boobs. HUGE. I don’t remember her from Juan Pablo’s season, but I bet she would have done A LOT better with Juan Pablo if she ever showed him those thangs. They’re everywhere on this show. Lacy is not looking to make that mistake twice of not using her huge boobs to her advantage. 

On to the Emmys? SURE!

NEWS FLASH! HALLE BERRY IS GORGEOUS AND WILL ALWAYS BE HOT!

Did you know that Halle Berry is acting on TV? I didn’t. I really didn’t. I wasn’t expecting to see Halle in this slideshow at all. Honestly, Halle should be allowed to walk any red carpet ever because she’s that good looking. I don’t know how old Halle is, but she looks amazing for that age. So, we all agree that Halle is easily one of the most attractive human beings to ever exist or will exist and she could be an alien that shares similar form as humans, but extremely better looking. Right we all agree on that.

This is going to seem unfair, but I didn’t lay out this slideshow that I’m stealing these pictures from…

Yikes. 

Is that a smile? If she’s smiling I guess it’s ok. If that isn’t a smile, it could be a quiet scream for help. Like, is Lena Dunham ok? Does anyone know? Can anyone call her and find out that she’s isn’t a victim of being mind-controlled by someone and the only thing she can do to let us know she’s in distress is by wearing “clothes” that look like this? 

Also, this is just stupid looking. She looks stupid. I mean if she likes it and is happy then great for her and really as long as her and her little boyfriend are happy about it then that’s the only thing that matters, but to me you look like you want to look like an idiot. I know I’m not in love with the show GIRLS, but even if you are – isn’t there a limit on the “genius” of Lena. Sure, she’s young and woman and apparently we’re supposed to be so surprised there are young and funny women in the world, but once we get past bowing down to her for that – this “dress” looks like soft serve ice cream throw up. Like the throw up where you scratch something on the way up to retch and there’s some blood in it. 

If Lena wears this to troll the whole idea of awards shows then I guess good for her. But if this is “fashion” then I can definitely be a fashion designer because there is no way in hell that I could put her in clothes that are less flattering than this. 

Still flashing that tat though. No matter what dress or shirt or sack Lena wears – that dreamcatcher shoulder tat is being shown off like it’s a fucking work of Mona Lisa like art. 

Yahoo! gave this dress a D. I give it a double D because Katherine Heigl is showing off some tittays! 

No euphemism or metaphors there. 

Is Katherine Heigl on a TV show? Either way, I don’t see what’s so bad about this dress. It looks like something Helen Mirren would wear and people would drench themselves in their own splooge over it. I guess because Heigl is half Mirren’s age then it’s not for her, but I don’t mind it at all. So, I guess it’s an older style, but a D? Jeez. 

She’s the best. 

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is a rare talent. She’s funny. Like actually funny. She can make dialogue sound funny, she can do physical comedy, and she does them both all the time without people even noticing. When people think of physical comedy, they think of Chevy Chase tumbling down a flight of steps or Chris Farley jumping through a table. That’s an aspect of physical comedy. There’s also physical comedy that is more subtle, more real, and is actually ACTING. Like if Julia is playing a character who feels uncomfortable she not only says the uncomfortable dialogue, but she changes her speech patterns, her facial expressions change, her posture changes, she does something with her hands, she actually does SOMETHING to show she’s uncomfortable. She’s not just standing there and saying the words in front of a camera, which is really about what 90% of the actors do. 

And she’s looking great here and she’s been hot for like 30 years now, so she’s the fucking best. 

Danielle and I watched ENOUGH SAID the other day. It’s solid. I liked it. I liked it a lot. I thought they were all great in it. She’s great in it. Great. It’s not a big performance, but she nails this performance in the small movie that they made. Gandolfini and Keener were great and that girl who looked like Michelle Williams – Tavi Gevinson who played Chloe – I thought she was really good too. I enjoyed it. 

VEEP is the best show on TV and I would definitely watch Julia in more movies.

 

Is this a post-partem thing? Odd judgement in the face of being recently unpregnant? 

Kerry Washington is a very attractive woman and it appears that whoever the designer is forgot they were making a dress for this pretty lady until 15 minutes before she showed up. Just grab some orange, cut it in half, wrap it around her, glue the top half together, throw some glitter on the extra glue that you used, and… wait a minute… the gap for legs to move is too big that it would show off her chooch! Hmmm… ok, throw on these glittery black hot pants that were in the garbage a minute ago. EXCELLENT! Now, go on TV!

Fark. 

As you can guess, Yahoo! gave this dress a BONER. WOOOOO!!!

It was an A and deservedly so because Sofia Vergara is in it. Honestly, they should have had Lena and Sofia switch dresses to see if even Vergara could make that shitty dress look fucking hot. 

You don’t really have to be a genius to dress Sofia – tight everywhere and then let her boobs breathe… done.

This got an A-. I’m kind of whatever on it. It looks kind of flat and drab, but whatever. The top is fun, but the closer you get to the floor with your eyes the life just gets sucked out of it. 

For a second I thought that the daughter on The Leftovers was Julianna’s daughter, but it’s Andie MacDowel’s daughter. Ugh. I hate that chick. Not Andie, but her daughter. In real life she could be fine, but she is the fucking worst on that TV show.

Either way, nothing to do with Julianna. Looking good Julianna.

There she is!

The dress and lady everyone was talking about at least on my twitter feed. And, yeah, she looks great. 

If you didn’t know, little cherubic angel kid actress turned sassy sexy country girl actress Hayden has copulated with a Ukrainian giant and has their spawn growing inside her tummy, which she is caressing. Hayden’s glowing, her boobs are showing, and everybody was happy, right? Right! Ok.

Hey Robin, someone stole the back of your jacket.

I feel like Robin should have kept joking all night how drafty it was in there.

I really hope this is where pants suits are going and in 2016 this is what H-Rod Clinton will be sporting during her Presidential run.

Also, is it just me or does she look like David Bowie more than looking like Robin Wright? Maybe she saw that David Bowie Showtime documentary and got inspired.

This just looks heavy to me. Honestly, could January Jones fit into a seat at the theater? I can’t imagine she could in all of that. And as much attention they pay to the dress, it just looks like she has some ratty bangs.

If Elisabeth Moss is wearing red too then maybe the Mad Men women are planning something!

Christina looks good. Next time just caught off that one shoulder strap and give the people to your right a shot at the money makers as well. And, I feel like her hair should have been up. I don’t know if that is part of my Kinsey-scale showing through or what, but I’m not feeling the hair being down like that.

Viola!

This woman right here knows how to dress! This is how you pitch a show too. Viola’s on maybe the 678th murder explanation show on TV and she’s selling it to you with her bosom. Her beautiful bosom of murder explaining.

Nick Kroll is a lucky man. They’re still together, right?

Either way, Amy Poehler is showing off the goods in this disco queen dress. I like it. I really don’t like the big poofy dresses and I don’t like the dresses with all this nonsense that looks like it is stapled to it and I like boobs. So, that’s what we’re getting here. It’s shiny and I like shiny things too. Also, it looks like whoever did Amy’s hair was not a mental patient like whoever did January Jones’ hair or several of the other women. Well done, Amy.

Also, Amy – I’m talking directly to you – I’ve been watching your brother’s show WELCOME TO SWEDEN. It’s alright. I’m more or less supporting it because it is your brother and because Will Ferrell was on an episode, but I just wanted you to know that.

Where are the boobs? I know I’m a broken record on this, but they’re about the best fashion accessory for a dress ever. A great butt is great fashion accessory as well, but it’s not as classy to accentuate the butt for some reason. Boobs? You can highlight the fuck out of them and everyone or mostly everyone is ok with them. I like Anna a lot and she’s great on VEEP and everything… but she’s hiding her boobs from us in this photographer’s nightmare all white dress against an all white background. She has boobs, but she’s hiding them. 

This got a B. What? I don’t like any of this. 

Does that even look like Zooey to you? It doesn’t to me. Where are the bangs and the eyes? And then this tube like prom dress. I don’t like it. 

Bam! Boobs. And… guns. Look at the arms on LaVerne Cox. I mean she’s doing well for herself, but that is an unfortunate name to me. LaVerne is harsh name. What if her name was Cheryl? Right? Doesn’t that just seem better to begin with? I mean we don’t even need to change the last name. Cheryl Cox. There’s some alliteration there. Peter Parker, Cheryl Cox. It’s nice. You can whisper Cheryl. You can’t whisper LaVerne. 

The cape is interesting and probably not something I would have thought, but you’re telling me that I would have done too much different if I was designing a dress? We’re going to feature huge boobs and your sinewy arms. That’s easy arithmetic right there.

 

Ugh.

Danielle said that this dress looked like pubes. Yes, pubes. And now getting a second look at it, pubes speckled with blood. Phenomenal.

I thought it looked like spiders when I saw it and the red was the spider markings or red beady spider eyes or something, but either way – it was not good. Not good.

Seriously, why would you want to wear a dress that is just a mess of netting? Like 1000 hairnets stapled together. After you wear the dress, you could catch some tuna out on the water for dinner. 

Fuck these people.

See! This isn’t rocket science! You’ve got a woman… actually, you’ve got an actress who is on TV and 99.9999% of them are going to be good looking. So you make a dress that fits her body and at the same time shows off she has a body – a woman’s body. And then the “tricky” part, make sure you can see some boobs. BINGO! PRESTO! She looks wonderful!

As for those in charge of make-up and hair? Don’t make her look like a crazed meth head, ok? Make her look like a clean, happy person and BINGO PRESTO – she looks wonderful. 

Fuck! Is it that difficult?

Crazy Eyes – you look wonderful.

This is the absolute best that Kaley Cuoco has looked on any of these red carpet events. I can’t believe Yahoo gave this a C+ because for Kaley this is like an A++++++ because usually she wears something that is a cross between what Lena Dunham and Kelly Osbourne are wearing. 

I’m not loving the layered netting nonsense. But she’s got a corset on that’s showing off some boobs and skin and whoever did her hair and make-up didn’t make her look like a corpse bride like she usually goes for. Hey, Kaley, you’re a pretty blonde and you’re semi dressed like one – congratulations.

I’m not really into this dress at all because it reminds me of a creamsicle and it looks thrown together, but this is pretty good for Sarah. Half the time I feel like they make her up to look like a Bratz doll meets a high end escort. Like if Bratz did a high end escort doll. Like Hookerz. I don’t know. You work it out. She looks less like a Bratz doll than usual. It’s strange because she looks pretty on Modern Family and she looks natural on the show, but on these red carpets they really like to doll her up and she starts to look like Bratz. 

I don’t know why this was only a B+. I think Sarah looks great. Her hair looks glamorous, her boobs look phenomenal, and she won a damn Emmy. Big night for Sarah Silverman. 

This got an A-.

Do you know who that is?

It’s Gwen Stefani. 

I don’t know. I think she looks weird in this. This is one of the better photos of her too. I saw another one and she looked like Dominica Versace and I mean that in all the negative ways that was intended. 

A-? 

HAHAHAH… I just looked at what Yahoo said and they said that this was a Versace outfit. I’M A FUCKING GENIUS! I know what the fuck I’m talking about you motherfuckers! I’ve watched 2 seasons of Project Runway and seen countless pictures of chick celebrities in dresses – I got this shit on LOCKDOWN! 

I like it. It’s fun and playful and if Bowen’s not going to show off her incredible legs then this is at least nice to look at. 

But… what the fuck Bowen? Seriously, with all the women out there doing that leg through the slit of their dress thing – you would think Bowen would do it. When she’s on late night talk shows, she’s basically in a t-shirt and no pants that’s how much legs she’s showing off, but here – you can’t see shit. 

So, maybe I don’t like it as much as I thought. It’s nice though and different, but more legs are needed. ALL THE LEGS!

Where are the boobs, Rauch? We know you’ve got them. Stop hiding them from us! 

The rest of it is nice. I mean it fits her nicely and all that jazz. Nice hair and she’s showing off shoulders and all that. 

Lastly…

Kate Mara looks thoroughly unhappy AND she’s smiling. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

I don’t get it. Well, maybe it is that they’ve colored in her eyes and several inches around them to be a dark black like she’s been possessed by a demon. That might be it. Then they curled her hair around her face to create more shade as if she’s like some faceless phantom who doesn’t want her secret known. THEN they put her in a nearly all white dress like she’s a ghost bride haunting the red carpet. 

So, yeah. 

Something happened to Kate Mara where she doesn’t like glow with life anymore. Maybe it was that stint on Entourage or American Horror Story, but there was a time when Kate Mara looked alive. On House of Cards, it might as well have been revealed that her character was already dead before she became dead because she looked like she had been surviving on a diet of two croutons and a cup of coffee grounds. 

Anyway… that’s the red carpet.

Boobs win again. 

It’s true.

I’m not even doing it in a dirty/nasty way or something.

Like, I’m not slapping my ass while sipping on champagne. I enjoy drinking it so much that at times I feel like I should be slapping my own ass while doing it.

Like, I’m not pinching my nipples – my guy nips – while sipping on that champagne. I enjoy it so much that at I times it would be apropos for me to pinch my nippies while doing it.

Like, I’m not pouring on my naked bicep then licking it off to get my bubbly fill. I enjoy it so much… nah, I don’t think it would ever be enjoyable to lick champagne off my bicep. Probably catch a rash doing something like that.

But – people seem to enjoy the hell out of me drinking champagne.

People notice it, make note of it, and it gives them a motherfucking smile on their face!

It’s true. It’s true.

I guess it has to do with image of a champagne drinker and that I’m not that image personified at all.

Not many people picture a dude my size height or stomach girth to be drinking that bubbly and then they don’t picture him drinking upwards of 20 glasses of it and all of that makes those peeps smile. Toothy smiles!

Anyway…

That’s what happened over the weekend as I went to a wedding with Danielle and as I’m want’em to do – I drank like 18 glasses of champagne. And, I would order them two at a time. Sometimes, that second glass was for Danielle. Sometimes, that second glass was for me as well as the first glass. But they didn’t need to know that.

You know who also loves champagne?

Bill Murray. BILL MURRAY. And, I don’t drink champagne because Bill Murray drinks champagne. It’s just something Bill and I have in common. Bill Murray and I have things in common. And, Bill was asked once about his champagne drinking habits and how he can drink so much of it. His “insight” was to make sure the champagne is always cold – always – and to drink it with ice. Ice! That’s his “pro tip”. Because the ice keeps it cold and the ice melts and you get some of that much need water in your system as well as the champagne.

I have not gone out of my way to keep up with this routine of ice in the champagne, but I do make sure to drink lots of water when I’m drinking lots of other stuff. But it’s a good tip. You need that water in you because booze does dehydrate you. Water. Champagne. Champagne. Water. Just keep it flowing in you.

HOW HAS EVERYONE BEEN?!?!?!?!?

I know it has been awhile since I last posted, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about you – Yes, YOU! – a lot. I think about you. I imagine you. I imagine you petting puppies. I picture you smelling flowers. I see you listening to Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy”. I daydream about you eating frozen yogurt. I hope you’re staring at my post about Meshach Taylor and hitting refresh waiting until I post again. All that stuff. It boils down touch, smell, hearing, tasting, and seeing. The 5 senses, y’all. Never forget ‘em. 

What else has been going on though?

Well, for awhile, the world was falling apart. Yep.

Robin Williams killed himself. Cops killed everyone else. And, ISIS stopped being the funny fake secret agency on Archer and became a real live not funny murderous group of assholes killing everyone their jeeps come across. 

All I have to say about that is whatever cops – and it seems like all of them nowadays – we catch doing awful shit, they should be immediately shipped to Iraq and Syria to take on ISIS. Like if you’re that officer who was just caught on his own dashcam beating up a woman on the hood of his car in broad daylight with a few other cops watching, well all y’all are getting a free vacation to Northern Iraq. Like right at the Iraq/Syria border. 

It’s like how back in the day at colleges where the football team would just recruit people on campus. They see some kid playing frisbee who is 6’3″ and he lays out for a catch in the middle of the quad. Guess what? You’ve got an invitation to be on the team and try out for tight end. Do you want to threaten protestors with an AR-15 in Missouri? Try threatening some extremist militia in the middle east instead of helping turn our police into an extremist militia because in some areas of our country that’s what they’re turning into. 

What else has happened?

Preseason NFL football. The biggest dick tease of them all.

I’ve watched a couple games and bits and pieces of others, but it’s tough to watch. It’s like watching football from another universe or watching a friend play videogame football. Are you that interested in who is winning or losing? Is this really a good proving ground for what’s going to happen in the season? I don’t know. It’s been going on for decades and no one knows. It’s just weird, but it means one thing – actual football is right around the corner.

So, what’s happened during the preseason?

Well, Johnny Football hasn’t been anything special. That’s for sure. His stats are nearly identical to the stats of Brian Hoyer who he is competing against for that starting job. Nearly identical, but worse. Since you may have never heard of Mr. Hoyer let me make mention that he was an UNDRAFTED quarterback out of Michigan State who has bounced around a little in the league as a back-up. He was undrafted. Meanwhile, Mr. Football over there was the Heisman trophy winner and a first round draft pick. So, he’s been nothing special. 

Manziel did get sacked by Michael Sam the other day. Yes, that Michael Sam. Yes, the gay one.

And fuck yeah to Michael Sam for sacking Senor Rat Face. Got to love Michael Sam. Got to hope Michael Sam because one bad ass fatherfucker on the field. Got to. Wouldn’t it be great to live in a world where the baddest dude on the field who is barking at the quarterback like “I’m going to fuck you up!” actually means it and could get his penis rigid and have sex with that man’s butt? Maybe that’s just me that thinks that would be great, but whatever.

Will Michael Sam help gay rights or at least the perception of gay people? Sure. I mean him being gay and him being able to sack Johnny Manziel have absolutely nothing to do with each other. I mean it does show that openly gay people can play in the NFL, if they’re openly gay and just so happen to be 6’2″, 260 pounds of gay muscle with a mix of speed and technique in there as well. He’s a big inspiration to the genetic freak huge gay guys out there I’m sure. 

I’m rooting for him nonetheless.

Seattle looks like they’re going to win another Superbowl. There may need to be a rule implemented that they’re only allowed to play 10 guys on defense or if they have an 11th then he has his hands tied behind his back or something.

Chicago looks bad. Not bad ass, but bad. Same with Dallas. I don’t see Dallas or Chicago doing much this year. I keep catching their games and they don’t look good. I’m not expecting a whole hell of a lot from Atlanta either.

HARD KNOCKS!!! I love Hard Knocks. Atlanta is this season’s team and they don’t look that great. Their defense looks wildly suspect. Their offense looks like it might need to score 40 points to win a game and their offensive line looks brittle. They have several high quality wide receivers, but it is an awful lot to put on a team to throw a ton of touchdowns because no one else is pulling their weight. Nevertheless, I have been enjoying the show. I enjoy watching Bryan Cox smoke cigars and tell his players they can’t date his daughter. I enjoy watching Mike Tice strut around like he’s Tony Soprano. I enjoy learning about Harry Douglas. Boy, do I love learning about his analretentive ass and the weird way he bowls. Yes, bowls. 

I don’t know if the Jets found Dimitri Patterson, but only the Jets would have a player go AWOL on them for like 4 days including a game at home against the Giants. 

Chargers have looked good. Broncos have looked good. Jadeveon Clowney has looked good – not sure about the Texans in general though.

As for my Steelers… our running back tandem of thunder (Blount) and lightning (Bell) got themselves arrested for smoking herb and for a DUI. So, what the fuck. They haven’t looked good in the preseason. I hope they can turn that around in a couple weeks, obviously. 

WHAT ELSE?

Television…

Danielle and I watched Halt and Catch Fire. It surprisingly got renewed. Honestly, the show got better as it went on, but it ain’t great. I doubt it will have a third season, but I’ll watch the second season. It was interesting enough and well acted enough, but not a lot is happening. It needs to get more intricate with its writing and stop having every episode feature someone reaching an epiphany 6 minutes before the episode ends.

The Leftovers… Honestly, I hate it. They sadly got renewed and I doubt I’ll watch next season. I might, but I doubt it. I have never watched a television show where I’m not rooting for anyone. I’m rooting for the writers to kill everyone off and replace them with people that I could actually give a fuck about. I hate all the characters. HATE. ALL. OF. THEM.

Is it Damon Lindelof’s fault? He’s the mastermind behind this, right? I loved LOST. So, what happened? I feel like maybe J.J. Abrams or Jeffrey Lieber or Carlton Cuse or someone else was the guy who knew how to make characters likable because Lindelof seems incapable of doing that in this show. 

I have so many questions while watching The Leftovers, but none of those questions concern people disappearing into thin air. I have questions like who the fuck am I supposed to be rooting for? Who am I supposed to care about? Why is Justin Thereoux wearing eye-liner? Does Justin Thereoux’s character do anything as a cop? Shouldn’t the chief of police have more on his plate? Why is the mayor sexing a man twice her age? How did these Asian girls not realize they were all Wayne’s sex toys that he was impregnating? SERIOUSLY, HOW WAS THAT NOT A SHOCK!!!?!?!?!?!?! 

Have you seen the show? If you haven’t bear with me here… at the beginning of the show, a cowboy kind of looking fellow is taken to a ranch in the hills of Nevada or Utah or something. And the compound is heavily guarded by white dudes with machine guns. Inside this place, the cowboy was paying a lot of money to see some black guy named Wayne who was clearly the leader of this outfit. Like a religious cult leader. Either way, at this compound, there was a pool party scene of Asian chicks like a dozen to two dozen of them in bikinis hanging out by the pool. 

From that description alone… what do you think is happening? Is he running an ultra high end nail salon? Or is it that the black guy who is in charge of all this shit is banging all those Asian chicks? The latter. Maybe the former too, but the latter is definitely. THEN we see a scene where the black guy – Wayne – interacts with one Asian chick and he has his hands on her butt and they kiss and then we find out she’s preggers with Wayne’s baby. 

Ok. Not a surprise, right? None of this is surprising, right? As mentioned, there were like 2 dozen Asian chicks. We only follow one of them as she escapes this shoot out raid of the compound with the boring step-son of Justin Thereoux. At no point, does boring step-son or the Asian chick show that they know he was impregnating all these other Asian chicks as well. So, what? He just so happened to have 2 dozen Asian chicks in bikinis just for the hell of it and was monogamous with one of them? Is that what they think was happening? Why would they think that? That’s against any form of logic – human logic, dolphin logic, dog logic… you know? 

Eventually, the stupid step-son meets another one of those Asian chicks down the road and finds out she’s pregnant too and it’s a shock to him. Why? It’s a shock to her that the other Asian chick is pregnant? Why? I get that Wayne may have lied to her and said, ‘You’re special. You’re the only one.’ But c’mon! Lindelof must be fine writing the dumbest characters to ever on television that they don’t suspect that Wayne could be having sex with all of the 2 dozen Asian chicks in bikinis who are hanging out by his pool for the sole purpose to hang out with him. It’s just fucking stupid. That’s not a switch-er-roo or a curveball or a mystery. It’s pure stupidity that his characters could not put 2 and 2 together. What the fuck were 2 dozen Asian chicks doing in bikinis at this guy’s house? 

Stupid.

The people at The Daily Planet were stupid seeing pictures of Superman and then seeing Clark Kent and not being able to imagine that one is the other with glasses on/off. And, these people on The Leftovers are equally as stupid.

I just really do not like the show. Scene by scene I don’t even like the show. Like what was with last night’s incestual over/under tones. What son at like 20 something years old has a conversation in only their underwear with their mom while lying in bed with her touching his arms? Mom and son who are about to have sex. That is not how people talk. 

Also, I don’t know about how you people are with your siblings, but I don’t even remember a time in my life where my sister and I would talk or hang out and be draped all over each other. Is this what TV and movies think siblings are like? Is the movie and TV industry somehow filled with only only sibling people and this is how they imagine brothers and sisters act with each other?

Brother: Hey, sis, *approaches from behind and wraps his arms around her entire upper body and then holds this position* what are you eating for breakfast?

Sister: *giggles with glee* You’re so silly, bro. *Nuzzles head against her brother’s arms and chest and smells his musk* I’m having eggs. 

Brother: *kisses sister on cheek then forehead then strips ass naked* I love eggs!

- end scene -

That’s what The Leftovers is like and a thousand other shows. Totally normal brother sister interaction, right? 

Oh yeah, we’re also watching The Knick. It’s whatever. It feels like they had an idea for AN episode and now they’re stretching it into a television show. Or more so, they had AN idea for the beginning of a show and, now, we’ve watched like 4 episodes of that beginning of a show. I feel like it’s the Knick as Groundhog’s day. I GET IT. Clive Owen does drugs, the nurse wants to fuck him, the black doctor gets no respect, every patient dies no matter what their ailment is, the hospital costs more money than it earns, and no one talks to each other. 

So… yeah…

That’s what I’ve been up to.

Also, Danielle and I took our engagement photos in a field of sunflowers and surprisingly didn’t get stung by a thousand bees. 

Whaddup!

Hey, I’m still alive! I know, I’m happy about that too.

Actually, I have been pretty active on Twitter – @jordan_is_ok – so my presence has been floating around and making sarcastic and cutting comments out there in the ether.

But…

I haven’t been posting regularly over here or really posting at all since I believe my last post was a month ago. Has it really been that long? Let me check… I just beat a month! AH-HAH!

Anyway…

ANDI CHOSE JOSH!!!!

Ole’ sour puss, frowny face chose the black labrador of life Josh Murray to be her probable first divorce. SNAP! BURN SAUCE! I’ve still got it!

Well, looking at the track record of the show and the track record of marriage in general, they’re not likely to stick together.

Let’s see how long Andi lasts when she’s not the center of attention and Josh feels the need to move to Kansas City to support his brother’s career as a back-up quarterback for the Chiefs. So, we’ll see.

Let’s go back to the beginning and by beginning I mean prior to the 3 hour extravaganza that was last night’s Oscar like marathon last episode of The Bachelorette.

Ok?

Ok.

I WAS FUCKING CONVINCED THAT ANDI WOULD PICK NICK.

Why?

Well, because she could not stop giving that squirrely haired dude all the besos. By besos, I mean kisses. And by kisses, I mean WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS THAT ANDI IS DOING WITH HER MOUTH WHEN SHE’S NOT FROWNING.

When Andi thinks or listens or simply doesn’t talk, she frowns.

When Andi gets intimate, she mashes her nose into her lover or opponent’s face causing her to snort and suck in hard for breath because she’s destroying her breathing canals THEN she scrunches up her lips and tries to get them as close to her nose as possible thus making her breathing even more awkward and labored PLUS it means that she’s now desperately reaching for and sometimes missing the other person’s lips because why would a person ever choose to do with with their face stuff, which inevitable makes Andi make a grotesque sucking sound like a vampire trying to get that last bit of a blood out of an open wound on an obese Comic Con nerd cosplaying as Daryl from “The Walking Dead”.

Am I wrong about any of that?!

If I could illustrate what it sounds like when these two were kissing last night with words it would be…

SNORT! SUCK! SNORT! SUCK! GASP! SNORT! SNORT! SUCK! SUCK! GASP!

GASP! SNORT! SNORT! SUCK! SNORT!

And it was disgusting.

But I digress!

I’m jumping all over the map… back to the beginning…

I thought Andi would pick Nick because she seemed more into Nick than anyone else. When Andi would see Nick she would light the fuck up in a way that no one has ever done in Nick’s lifetime. Nick is attractive enough and at the same time he’s a goofy looking fuck with gap teeth and ununderstandable hair and an entire wardrobe of clothing tighter than your average super-heroine.

The episode kicked off with Nick meeting Andi’s parents, her sister, and her beta-male brother-in-law and then Josh met them. Both Josh and Nick kept talking about how important it was to impress Andi’s parents and all that. I’m not saying that was entirely false, but it wasn’t entirely true either.

Andi was on The Bachelor, remember? Andi made it to the final 4, which meant dumbass Juan Pablo did get the chance to go to Atlanta or the suburbs of Atlanta and meet Andi’s family including the beta-male brother-in-law. Andi’s parents did not seem to like Juan Pablo, especially Andi’s dad Hy. Nevertheless, Andi continued on with the show and made it through another cut to be apart of the final 3. See, if Andi’s parents didn’t have a say in Andi continuing to chase some Hispanic lothario who had no clear grasp of the English language or other people’s feelings then why would they have any say in the choice between two guys who are tripping over themselves to tell Andi how much they are in love with her… in love with her for no real discernable reason other than they haven’t been allowed to see another female for the past 6 weeks.

Back to the matter at hand, did you see Andi’s sister’s sea turtle tattoo?! HAHAHAHAHAH! I don’t know why it’s so funny, but it is and I think it has to do with some sordid sexual past that she does not discus and is the reason why she married a man who has less testosterone per capita than any other man who has ever been seen on television. I mean there’s a reason you marry a guy like that and the reason is is that he’ll never question you for as long as he shall continue to exist. It’s not “living” what he’s doing, it’s existing because he has no freewill and he cannot choose to argue or have an opinion because his body doesn’t produce any hormones let alone the ones that encourage having a proverbial backbone.

Anyway…

Hy is really a big frowny faced mush like his daughter and the two of them just loved them some Nick and Josh.

After that, Nick and Josh both got their own 1-on-1 date, which for Josh was a bunch of hand holding and kissing on a boat and for Nick it was a bunch of hand holding and kissing on a beach.

At the end of each date, both Josh and Nick gave Andi a present. A present they had “made”. Making presents like they were children. Making presents like they had an arts & crafts time during The Bachelorette recess hour.

Josh… because everything relates to him being a semi-pro baseball player… Josh “made” Andi a baseball card with her “stats” on it. He also wrote her a letter, which is the 1000th letter someone has hand-written Andi over the course of that season. 1000 awkward ass letters.

Nick… because he’s simply a creepy weirdo… Nick “made” Andi a necklace, which has a vile of sand as the centerpiece. Sand? Sand that was from the beach that the two had their first date at or shared their first kiss or whatever. Also, he said that he snuck back to that beach to nab that vile of sand. That is a horrible unattractive and non-sexy image of a 33 year old man with gap teeth sneaking out of his room at night like a mischievous Summer camp kid and going to the beach to collect a “vile” of sand. Does he carry viles around with him? Probably. Or did he get a pocketful of sand that he had to carry and carry and move and carry and move and carry until he finally found a vile store and stored it once and for all on this dumbass necklace, which she probably threw away the next day. Isn’t it just weird and strangely apropos to picture Nick hoarding his sacred sand and making sure none of the other contestants saw it?

This may be why the dude was cut in the end.

After six million commercial breaks, Josh is shown choosing a disgusting looking gawdy diamond ring that looks more like costume jewelry, but whatever – Disney paid for it.

Meanwhile, Nick is shown …

Wait…

I forgot something…

THE AWKWARD ASS MORNING REVEALS OF NICK AND JOSH’S NIPPLES!!!!

Forgot about that, but now it is burned into my memory once again…

Right, so, both guys got to spend the night – seemingly bang, which we’ll talk about momentarily JUST YOU WAIT – with Andi.

When the date segments were over, Disney decided to transition us into the “final day” segment by starting with what each of these idiots being contemplative about these idiotic events that “final morning”.

And that’s when a topless Nick was shown opening a window, a topless Josh was shown looking at himself in the mirror, and a seemingly figuratively and literally lost Andi was shown in her sail like cover-up aimlessly walking around the Dominican Republic. In conclusion, Disney showed us four man nips and Andi playing a wayward Lady MacBeth.

Back to Nick in his room waiting for his ring…

We saw Josh choose his hideous ring. Now, it was time for Nick to choose his hideous ring as he receives a knock at the door, which he assumes is the diamond guy … BUT …

It’s fucking giggles herself, ANDI.

Andi is there to tell Nick that shit just got real… real over.

Nick is 100% caught off guard because the dude thought he had this competition in the bag, but guess not – slow-and-steady (emphasis on slow) Josh was winning this shit!

Nick did say that Andi took things too far, which was pretty funny because isn’t that what Juan Pablo said of Clare. Slut-shaming! Amazing. Anyway, Nick kept saying that Andi took things too far and his example was that of Andi more or less telling him that she loved him by saying she wanted to say things, but she couldn’t. And, we all assume that she can’t say she loves him because the show wouldn’t allow it because it probably doesn’t allow her to say shit like that. Either way, Andi took things “too far”. And that was that.

Nick was gone.

Andi goes on to the final rose ceremony where a too tight in the pants suit wearing Josh won the show and gave a speech longer than this post about how he loved Andi as much as he loved baseball, which sounds stupid, but is probably the deepest shit Josh has ever said to anyone ever.

Then the snort sucking face fuck fest began as Josh and Andi were engaged! WOOO!!!

EVERYONE’S HAPPY FOREVER, RIGHT?!!!!

Well…

No.

There is gap-toothed Nick and he’s not happy. He’s never happy. He’s never happy even when he’s wearing one of those billowy scarves.

That’s when The Bachelorette finale got weirder than necessary – although appreciated – as it turns out Nick has become a STALKER in the time since he was dismissed from Andi’s harem.

We found out that Nick has tried to talk to Andi on 3 occasions and, of course, has written her fucking letters. And Andi has had the choice to refuse to see Nick on those occasions, but TONIGHT IS YOUR NIGHT STALKER NICK BECAUSE DISNEY IS FORCING ANDI TO MEET YOU!

WOOOOO!!! THE STALKERS ALWAYS WIN!!!

Andi and Nick sit down in front of an audience of random unhappy housewives as well as a litany of prior Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants and with cameras on broadcasting to the world.

What does Nick have to say to his victim errr love Andi?

Well, after several minutes of mealy-mouthed Nick searching for the right words to convince Andi that she made the wrong choice for a fiance 10 minutes before she is about to grace this exact same couch with her current fiance for the first time ever… Nick had one card to play and that was…

Andi…

DIDN’T WE FUCK?!

YEAH! Disney put a dude on stage to say that he boned her and she still didn’t choose him!

That’s pretty fucking amazing if you think about it.

ANDI HUMPED & DUMPED NICK!

Humped his pen-iss and then dumped his dimwitted face. It was great. What a fucking amazing moment in women’s liberation! What a great moment in gender equality! What a great moment for vaginas the world over that they could say, ‘Yeah, we fucked you, but you gots to go.’

Seriously, that was some fucking excellent shit right there. I mean when I was in high school I had to read that stupid ass book THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING GOD more or less because Oprah told us to and that whole book was about a women banging her husband, but not loving him AND at the same time banging some other dude who was not her husband and loving him when she was banging him. It was a book about choice, love, and vagina banging. It also sucked, but that’s neither here nor there.

Then sad stupid ass Nick left.

Then happy stupid ass Josh showed up and him and Andi talked about stupid shit then they talked about how Andi frowns and then for whatever fucking reason Disney brought out Grumpy cat and then the show ended at some point amid six billion commercials for BACHELOR IN PARADISE.

Which… by the way… in the extended trailer for the season showed someone getting arrested and someone shouting that there was so much blood everywhere and then the trailer ended and it cut back to Chris Harrison smiling and saying, “it’s a must watch!” UHHHHH IS BACHELOR IN PARADISE A SNUFF FILM?!?!?!?!?!?!? DID DISNEY MAKE A SNUFF FILM?!?!?!?!?!?

Probably.

Well, probably not because usually all this shit turns out to be bullshit melodrama that is edited together to make it look like something like a murder did happen, but I guess fingers crossed that it is a snuff film because it starts Monday and I’ll probably end up watching another season of this horse shit.

Josh and Andi are engaged.

Chris the Farmer is probably going to be the next The Bachelor.

And you got a new post.

I love you.

HELLO!

Hello, readers!

I’d say, ‘Hello, non-readers!’, but they’ll never see this. And, if for some reason a non-reader is like, ‘Did you say, ‘Hello, non-readers!’ on Monday, June 30th?’ I’ll just punch them in their fucking non-reading eyes because fuck them and how dare they question me. Right? This is how you properly communicate with people, right? Saying hello to some and punching others in their eyes? RIGHT IN THEIR EYES!

Ok. This has gotten off to an odd start.

Remember Anthony Bouvier from DESIGNING WOMEN?

He’s the one in the middle who doesn’t look like Paula Dean’s even bitchier friend.

Or…

Do you remember Hollywood Montrose from MANNEQUIN and MANNEQUIN TWO: ON THE MOVE?

Sadly, both iconic characters are now dead because Meschach Taylor is dead. He died of cancer over the weekend.

I more than watched my fair share of Designing Women when I was younger and I certainly watched Mannequin as well as Mannequin Two when I was kid. I probably saw Mannequin enough times for whatever reason that I am partially responsible for the completely unnecessary Mannequin Two.

Isn’t it amazing that the only person from the featured line-up of the memorable Mannequin film that signed on for the sequel was Meschach Taylor? Sure, the best part of Mannequin was Hollywood’s hilarity, but why didn’t they just make a spinoff Mannequin movie then with Hollywood as the lead instead of simply REBOOTING the Mannequin series with another hot blonde white chick mannequin and another dime a dozen white guy lead that fall in love with randomly enough Meschach Taylor as this link to a world where hot blonde white chicks are all the time being turned into mannequins or into human beings from mannequins and immediately following in love with the first average looking, bank commercial face having, white guy? I don’t know. I don’t even know if that paragraph makes sense!

Anyway…

Meschach. Dead.

Let me tell you a story about Broadway and Meschach Taylor and me and my dad. Are you on the edge of your seat?!

As a given, my dad doesn’t really know me THAT well. I mean we’ve known each other our entire lives, I lived in my parents’ house for by far most of my life, and him and I have been in close contact for 31 years at this point. BUT! That doesn’t mean if he was posed with a multiple choice quiz about his only son that he would be able to get a passing grade. If it was fill-in-the-blank, he’d fail. Multiple choice? He would have a 50/50 shot at getting a 50 on the quiz.

Cut to: circa 1995.

I don’t remember exactly what year, but at the earliest it was ’95. Maybe ’96, maybe ’97. I’m in middle school and/or the beginning of high school.

My parents, my sister, and myself are out to dinner in New York City before we are going to a Broadway play. It could have been a number of plays, not sure which one, but that doesn’t matter.

We’re eating dinner at B. Smith’s. It’s a hip and fancy place run by, of course, B. Smith who The New York Daily News called “one of the most important African-American style mavens of all time.” Anyway, we’re there and we’re eating. When suddenly, my father says…

“Hey Jordan, there’s one of your guys.”

Hey Jordan, there’s one of your guys?

Let’s deconstruct this…

Hey – Your attention, now!

Jordan – Me

There’s – In this restaurant over yonder I have spotted

One of your guys – A select member of a personal stable that is of my very particular interest

Now, that we fully understand my father’s statement that was directed at his one and only son, me, let’s take a guess who the fuck he was talking about.

This blog is not meant for mystery. I’m not writing paranormal detective noir over here. Although, I believe I could. It could feature a man and his dog going out for walks around their suburban town where they uncover werewolves and undead hauntings and satanic cults!

But I digress…

Of course, my dear dad’s statement about “one of your guys” was referring to…

MESHACH FUCKING TAYLOR.

And he was right. That was indeed Meshach Taylor sitting on the other side of the restaurant eating dinner as well. And, in some strange way, I guess my dad is right that Meshach Taylor is one of MY guys because I did watch “Designing Women” with my mom and sister because I watched whatever TV was being watched and I did see Mannequin and Mannequin Two because HBO felt it necessary to play both constantly for much of the early 90’s for some reason or another.

My mom, my sister, and myself had quite a laugh at my dad’s expense. Not just that night, but still to this day. Although, he didn’t see the humor in it nor does he now.

Either way, RIP Meschach Taylor – you brought me laughs directly and indirectly.

Besides that…

Danielle and I were in the Broadway world the other day on Saturday as we saw ALL THE WAY starring Bryan Cranston.

We didn’t realize it at the time, but we saw the play on its second to last night I believe. Pretty random.

The play itself was incredibly acted. Cranston ate up the stage from beginning to end. I’m not sure how many actors could have demanded that much attention as well as oscillated between hero and villain the way he did for a nearly 3 hour play.

I know I haven’t been posting at all. I know that because I’m the one who thinks of posting, but then doesn’t.

What have I been up to?

Watching the World Cup and Orange is the New Black. That’s been the majority of it.

The World Cup has been phenomenally entertaining thus far. Removing any nationalistic loyalties or simply rooting behavior – the games have been fucking crazy fucking exciting. I remember the last two World Cups vividly and besides giving me an undying love for vuvuzelas – the last two World Cups pale in comparison to this one as a whole and from what I’ve read of the others and remember from 2002’s and so on… this is the best fucking World Cup.

Yesterday’s two matches were insane. Poor Mexico giving up the game with 2 goals in a matter of minutes right at the end of the fucking game – a game that they dictated the pace and were winning up until 3 minutes left. Then, Costa Rica who was winning the game and got fucked over with a player getting ejected, and they gave up the tying goal with almost 0 time left in the fucking game. The Ricans continue to fight and keep the game tied for all of overtime to then go on to win in the penalty kick shootout. IT WAS INTENSE.

As for Orange is the New Black…

TITS! Seriously, there were so many nipples this season it was as if I was directing Orange is the New Black. Uhhh, yeah, this is a good scene and all, but how about you just take your top off at some point regardless of context. Oh wait, is your character a lesbian? No one has said if you’re a lesbian or not? Well, then, guess who has just become a lesbian?! You! And show us your bare breasts now. Also, we’ve just hired the bustiest German girl you’ll ever meet for you to be lesbians with. Congrats!

Seriously!!!!! WHAT ABOUT THAT GERMAN CHICKS BOOBS!!!!!?????!!!!

I would imagine most people were hoping for a “P” Poussey Washington flashback and SURE AS SHIT THEY GOT ONE! WOOOOO!!!

If you haven’t watched this season yet or haven’t gotten to this episode… KEEP READING… these are not spoilers… these are YOU GOT TO SEE THIS EPISODE BECAUSE THIS GERMAN CHICK HAS SOME CANS ON HER-ers… like a teaser, but with nipples, so the best teaser ever.

Let’s just say that Poussey aka Samira Wiley gets naked. Apparently, under that baggy grey sweatshirt she’s always wearing is like a runway model naked body. Who knew?

Let’s just also say that the German chick they cast opposite of Samira Wiley… HAS THE BIGGEST SET OF NAKED BOOBS YOU’LL SEE ON NARRATIVE TELEVISION THIS SIDE OF TRUE DETECTIVE. What a great fucking year for boobs, right? We have Alexandra Daddario absolutely kill it by being naked on True Detective and then now this random German woman with huge boobs doing 80% of her screen time on Orange is the New Black topless and doing lesbian stuff. Just wonderful.

The rest of the season was solid.

So, that’s what has been going on for me. I’ve been eating a lot of kale too.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?

Oh yeah!

Could I have said that with a more delicate touch? Probably, but then I wouldn’t be me and this me is from the U. S. of A. and I’m still reeling from that motherfucking win yesterday.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

SPLOOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello! Hello, lovely people of this world!

Of course, I am only THIS happy because of the above corner kick to header goal that sealed Ghana and the US’ fate last night.

Sealed a fate that was a very different fate than the last two times the US played Ghana in the World Cup.

Oh, it was a doozy of a moment. The whole match itself was a doozy.

I’m sure everyone has heard about what happened by now, but it was fucking awesome.

Specifically, the last World Cup, a couple of friends and myself watched all the US games together where ever that happened. One time we met up at bar in Times Square, a bar on 80th, and so on where ever. But we watched them together and each time we did – they were filled with yelling, screaming, and just absolutely losing our shit, so we met up in the city last night to do it all over again.

We ended up at Stout on 33rd, which was wall-to-wall people, but we had a nice spot carved out in the middle of the bar.

We got there about an hour early and were already on beer 4 when the game started.

And then this happened…

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

SPLOOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s Clint Dempsey, America’s skinny scoring machine, sneaking one past about 30 seconds into the fucking game. THIRTY SECONDS!!! As one would expect, the bar went fucking bananas!!! There are videos all over the interwebz showing people going fucking apeshit after this goal and I’m sure there are a few of Stout up there because everyone whipped out their cellphones to start taking videos of everyone screaming their fucking heads off.

So, from 30 seconds into the game – I was hoarse.

My throat is killing me right now as I type this. It was worth it, but it kills.

So, what happened next?

Well, the US was playing well for a few minutes. But disaster started striking with Jozy Altidore coming up gimpy and straining his hamstring, which was devastating to watch. Then a Ghana-ian(?) breaks Clint’s nose with his shin. BEASLEY IS ON THE TAKE! Beasley was making so many bonehead errors with the ball, we’re yelling in the bar about which member of Beasley’s family has gambling debts that Beasley is being forced to throw this game for those mob guys to win out with their bets. And the US was still up 1-0, but they looked like garbage.

For the rest of the game, it was hard to watch as the US was on constant defense to the point you would assume they were playing a man down the whole time, but they weren’t. They just couldn’t put it together. It felt like they didn’t know how to be the better team, how to still be aggressive if you’re winning, and all these just mental hurdles.

The inevitable happens late in the game and Ghana scores and I just wanted to poop on the bar floor and start throwing my feces at all the early 20’s girls in the bar who spent the entirety of the game taking selfies to prove to someone else not in that bar that they went to a bar to watch the soccer game and how cute their outfits were when they did that. EAT MY POOP SELFIE ROBOTS!!!

No joke – later when I got back home and was with Danielle, I held her in my arms and said to her as lovingly as I could, “Thank you for not being like those cunts at the bar.” And that’s love folks!

Then when all seemed lost, I decided to go to the bathroom. Yes, I decided to go to the bathroom with just a few minutes left in the game because I thought soon as the game ended people would dive onto those bathrooms like with each flush gold coins would fill the bowl, so I tried to beat the rush.

BUT!!!! I’m not one of those sob stories of someone missing the game winning goal while int the bathroom. Nope! I did see that guy, but that guy was not me. The game winning header happened while I was waiting in line and I could see a TV from where I was watching. So… the header goes in…

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

SPLOOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then I high fived some guy who was standing near me.

Then the sad idiot who missed the goal came out of the bathroom.

Then I celebrated the US going up 2-1 with only stoppage time remaining by pissing out 6 beers as fast as I could.

We’ve got Portugal this Sunday and I’m just fucking psyched. THREE POINTS, BABY!!!!

But I do have one question…

ISN’T SOCCER SUPPOSED TO BE BORING?!?!?!?!??!!!?!??

This is the fucking most motherfucking exciting World Cup ever.

It started on Thursday and since then there have been I think 15 games played – one going on currently with Belgium vs. Algeria – and there has been a single tie. THERE HAS BEEN A SINGLE TIE!!! THAT’S FUCKING CRAZY!!!!

I really like the first stage of the World Cup, well, I like all the stages of the World Cup. I love everything about the tournament itself with games ending by shoot outs. SHOOT OUTS!!! Anyway, I do like the round-robin first stage of the World Cup, but there is one downfall to that and that’s ties. There can be ties in the first stage. It’s just a part of the game. There can be ties in the NFL, NHL, boxing, cagefighting, and so on, so ties are not the worst thing in the world. They happen. They’re not great, but they happen. And, it’s just something you deal with in the first stage of the World Cup and then once they move onto the next stage – NO MORE TIES. But here we are on Tuesday and we’ve had definite endings to all but ONE game so far. That’s incredible.

There have been a lot of goals scored, there have been several big upsets already, there have been at least 3 games I can think of off the top of my head so far that have been decided by a goal in STOPPAGE TIME. THAT’S FUCKING CRAZY!!!!

Once the first stage is over… it’s like everyone’s birthday because SHOOT OUTS!!! 

I love games being decided in the 90 minutes of course, but if it doesn’t then… SHOOT OUTS!!! Shoot outs are fucking nuts.

As I write this… Algeria is …. AHHHHH!!!! ALGERIA SCORES A PENALTY KICK!!!!!

Belgium is the heavy favorite to win this and they just committed a bad foul near the goal and Algeria capitalizes with the penalty kick and he puts it right the fuck in. Algeria hasn’t scored a fucking goal in the World Cup since 1986. I was living in Pittsburgh and playing with sticks and pretending they were guns and I legitimately thought graham crackers were the greatest invention in human history.

I’ve been loving the cup. Of course, I won’t pretend like I would be anywhere near as positive about the cup if the US lost yesterday, but they didn’t and I guess one of my parallel universe selves where the US did lose can spend his day crying about it, but I’m fucking happy in this dimension.

I hope everyone else is doing great!

I had a great birthday on Sunday.

I love you.

HOLA!!!

Let’s get the fuck into this and no screwing around! ALRIGHT? ALRIGHT!!!!

DAY 5

Our last stop in Alaska… Skagway, Alaska. But we didn’t stay in Skagway too long because we ventured to Canada.

Take a wild fucking guess how early in the morning Danielle and I got up for day 5?

Did you guess 8 in the morning? BECAUSE YOU’RE FUCKING WRONG IF YOU GUESSED EIGHT IN THE MORNING!!!! Did you guess 7 in the morning? BECAUSE YOU’RE FUCKING WRONG IF YOU GUESSED SEVEN IN THE MORNING!!!! Did you guess 6 in the morning? DING DING DING! WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!!!

That’s right, we got up at 6 in the fucking morning on our VACATION for this excursion day. It should be illegal to wake up at 6 in the morning on your vacation. Illegal. They should arrest you and and whomever made you get up.

Honestly, we were probably up before 6 in the morning because of the torpedo sounds I mentioned yesterday, which started at some point between 5 and 6 am. I have no idea how these boats dock or what have you, but there has to be a better way than anything that involves torpedo sounds. It was like we were living in a foley artist’s wet dream sound stage for “Crimson Tide”. Not sure if that metaphor works, but I enjoyed mentioning foley artists. Foley artists are the idiots stabbing raw chicken with a butcher knife next to a 2 foot in diameter microphone to record all those gruesome sounds of someone getting knifed up in a movie. And they’re the same idiots knocking coconuts together to make the sound of horse hooves galloping. And for some reason, a lot of foley artists come from a dance background. Why? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS! I wish I fucking knew, but I don’t. I met a foley artist once who worked for Warner Bros. on a tour of Warner Bros. in Los Angeles and he said that surprising/confusing “fact” and I was the only person on the tour who found that fucking weird and wanted an answer, but the foley artist in question was such a weirdo he didn’t know how to interact with other human beings so he looked me dead in the eye and just shook off the question as if it didn’t happen and everyone else on the tour couldn’t have cared any less about this guy, so we just moved on to the next stop of the tour.

Back to Alaska, we get off the boat at that unGodly hour and we meet up with a couple of stoner looking dudes who lead us to… a row of brand new Jeep Wranglers.

This excursion may have been my favorite excursion. It’s really tough to tell since I really loved everything we did, but this was the only one where I actually did anything. I just sat in the plane, I sat on the boat, I sat in the golf cart as the dogs dragged me around, but on this excursion I sat in a car… a car that I got to drive! Wooooo!!! I drove a car in Alaska and in the Yukon country of Canada.

There were 14 brand new – less than 1000 miles – Jeep Wranglers and 40 some odd tourists and we were broken up among the jeeps to then drive 60 miles out and 60 miles back through some of the most redonkulous beautiful country I’ve ever seen and probably will ever see.

If you’re doing the math – and you should – that’s more people than jeeps and more than 2 people per jeep and more than 3 people per jeep. Two tour guides were jumping into the jeeps as well. So, let me just save you the trouble, it was roughly 4 people per jeep. Also, if you’re doing the math – Danielle and I only count as two people (regardless of the fact that I’m more or less two average sized humans sandwiched together to become one Voltron-like-sized human), so 2 doesn’t equal 4 and … I’m screwing this up.

WE WOULD HAVE TO SHARE A JEEP

AHHHHHHH!!!!!

When we looked at the guide book it mentioned that this was a possibility, but I didn’t really think about it too much because whatever. But after a few days of being on the cruise and a few days of me learning that I don’t like anyone on this cruise, when it came time to leave for this excursion the idea really started dawning on me that sharing a jeep with another cruise couple for 5 hours was going to be EXCRUCIATING.

We get on the bus and none of the couples on the bus looked like people I would want to be on a bus with let alone stuck in a tiny ass jeep with. And listen folks, as mentioned with my enormity, I’m not built to sit in the back of a Jeep Wrangler. So, I was getting awfully worried how this was going to pan out.

The jeep guide started pairing couples off to get into the jeeps and I thought _dharv and I were going to end up in a jeep with this middle-aged couple who looked quite joyless and the husband was wearing a Philadelphia Flyers hat. I was thinking I was going to try and start a conversation I suppose about the Flyers hat. Maybe he’s from Philadelphia, I went to school in Philadelphia. Maybe he’s from South Jersey, we’re from New Jersey. It’s all going to suck, but I could try to find some common…

WAIT A SECOND! The jeep guide paired that idiot couple off with the other idiot couple that’s from Texas. AMAZING! You know why that’s amazing! THEY WERE THE ONLY PEOPLE LEFT!!!!

DANIELLE AND I GOT OUR OWN JEEP!!!!

It’s pretty fucking easy to tell how ecstatic I am in this picture about how this fortunate turn of events played out. Right? Ok, honestly, I see that I’m not really much of a smiler in pictures, but I’m happy. Ok! I am or was. Also, I didn’t want to do a touchdown dance celebration when he gave us our own jeep thinking the dude would find the celebration not tasteful and then stuff us into a jeep with dirtbag smoker guy who we found out later drove like an idiot … AND… was also from Texas. So, I kept it low key as I do and just quietly celebrated in my head.

So, there we were. Danielle and I comfortably seated in our own jeep with no need to make small talk with two idiots we’ve never met before nor cared enough about that if they got lost in the Yukon country forever that as mentioned we wouldn’t care about it. It was great having the jeep to ourselves. I got to drive with no worry about some dillhole asking me for his turn to drive or her turn to drive and Danielle got to take a billion pictures of all the ridiculous scenery and we got to say the ridiculous things we say when we’re around each other and no one else is listening and we also got to listen to music that we wanted to listen to without worrying about the other morons and their thoughts.

We pretty much just tooled around Alaska and Canada and it was amazing.

We made a few stops to take these majestic pictures of scenery and… one time…

A MOOSE!!!! That moose was actually really close to the cars. It charged at us and the tour guide was quite scared and the people taking photographs didn’t seem scared considering they probably didn’t think that a moose was fast or much of a charging animal, but they are.

We stopped to grab some food as well in a town called Carcross out in the middle of nowhere in Canada…

So, it was a fun drive. We drove the 60 miles from Skagway to Carcross and had a picnic and coffee. The tour guides on the drive kept in touch with all the drivers via CB radios that each Jeep had. And because we went into Canada, we had to have our passports and had to go through border patrol and so forth. I mean it took 2 seconds, but we did it. And with that…

LET’S START A JEEP TOUR POT SMUGGLING RING!!!!

Right?

Buy a bunch of Jeep Wranglers, hire a bunch of college kids, do these tours for 6 months or so, and establish yourselves as a legitimate jeep tour company. THEN! Start loading a few of the jeeps with weed in Carcross where it appeared there may be 10 people who live in the town and 3 of them are the women who run this hippie coffee shop, which served really nice gluten free muffins and cookies. Not that I give a shit about gluten free, but I do give a lot of shits about cookies and muffins. Anyway, load the jeeps with pot and then drive them right over the border – which takes half a second and is manned by a man who looked to have the wit and body of Homer Simpson – and then I guess do something with the pot once it is in Alaska. I don’t know! Get a floatplane and fly it somewhere else. It’s in the US. If that’s the difficult part then I’ve solved that for you.

Just think about it. It seems like it’s a rock solid business plan.

Besides the cookies, the weed, and the jeeps and all that, there is one other story from Carcross and it involves this magnificent dog…

LOOK AT THAT DOG!!!!!

So, I got some coffee from the three ladies and it was good and I had mentioned to Danielle they also have muffins and cookies. So, she went into the the three ladies’ shop and picked out a muffin that she wanted. I said I would wait in line and so forth and she could go back to the jeep. I get the muffin and the cookie for myself and I leave the three ladies’ coffee shop and I see Danielle.

Danielle says to me with a big bubbly smile on her face that she just pet this dog. And I look to my right and I see the dog in the picture in the bed of the truck and it’s just staring right at me and it’s like 5 feet from. So, in my head, I’m like, “Danielle just pet that dog. I’ll go pet that dog.” And I take a step toward the dog in the truck with my hand out like I’m going to pet the dog and the dog moves toward me in the truck wagging its tail with its head down in a submissive way and that’s when…

DANIELLE GOES APE SHIT!!!

NO!!!! She screams. DON’T PET THAT DOG!!! She yells. NO!!!! She screams once more. All of a sudden, Danielle is in a terrifying horror movie and I don’t understand why. But I’m like inches from the dog, so I look at Danielle with a completely confused face and continue to move toward the dog, the dog who is 150% on board with me petting it, while Danielle continues to amplify as if I was about to fall into a pit of lava or about to open a door that separated me and Freddy Krueger. Danielle yells JORDAN!!! THE OWNER!?!?!?!! THE OWNER’S NOT THERE!!! WHAT ABOUT THE OWNER!!?!?!??!!?!!! And, I’m thinking, “Uh, who gives a shit? I’ll pet the dog. It’ll take two seconds and then I’ll leave and the owner won’t know a thing.”

So, I pet the dog despite Danielle’s incredible protests to do otherwise. I then make my way over to Danielle where she is not happy with me. And, I’m like, “What’s the big deal? You pet the dog. Why couldn’t I pet the dog?” Then Danielle explains that the dog she pet wasn’t that dog, but some dog that appeared and disappeared before I showed up from the coffee shop and it just so happened that there was another dog in that truck who she was taking a picture of when I showed up. Oh.

It didn’t make much sense, but it was funny and I really hope someone else from the tour saw all of that play out because it was a dramatic and tense and vocal 8 seconds of life.

Moving on, Danielle does take some great pictures. We can all agree on that.

This is Emerald lake and it’s fucking beautiful.

Also, something nuts that we saw near Carcross…

Is this desert.

Yep.

I don’t understand it, but there’s a fucking desert all of a sudden outside of Carcross. It’s crazy. It’s sand and hills and sand and it’s weird and amazing.

So, we drive 60 miles out and 60 miles back and I was fucking beat after that drive.

We got back to Skagway and we ducked into the Skagway Brewery where we tasted each of the micro-breweries beers, had some burgers which were excellent, and I purchased my only souvenirs from there – two pint glasses and a trucker hat with Skagway Brewery logos on them.

We walked around Skagway some and Danielle bought a Christmas ornament, but we were super tired so we headed back to the ship a little earlier than we had to. Not much earlier, but a little bit. The boat left the dock at 5pm and the next time we were going to be on dry land was… 7pm TWO DAYS LATER!!!!!!

DAY 6

At fucking sea, again.

For 48 hours, we didn’t step foot on dry land and that’s fucking intense and I wouldn’t recommend it.

This day at sea at least wasn’t met with me being sea sick, but I was certainly SICK OF THE FUCKING SEA. We had left Alaska and we were going to make a brief stop in Victoria, British Colombia, Canada and then we would be back in Seattle the day after. So, for the most part, the only thing that was left for us to sit through were THREE MORE FUCKING NIGHTS OF SHIT SLEEP ON THIS FUCKING CRUISE SHIP. THAT’S INSANE!!!!

We ended up watching Game of Thrones and Veep the night before and we had decided to not eat dinner in the main dining room because we ate a big late lunch in Skagway. But with this day at sea, Danielle and I did get dressed up again and head to the Grand Epernay dining room for the second “formal night”.

As for our day at sea, it was a waste of time. We walked around the boat just looking at shit and sitting for a time and then getting up and walking somewhere else. Everyone on the ship had lost their luster. Everyone looked bored and over this. The insanity at the bars had died down and it was a lot quieter everywhere. We honestly didn’t even see that many people where ever we went on the boat. It was as if everyone was asleep or they got left in Skagway.

The formal night dining experience did end up with Danielle and I eating with our tablemates R & P again. And we talked about our excursions and I think we talked about Ambien again. P hadn’t been on a cruise before I think, but R was a big cruiser and she kept saying how great this cruise was – the food, the entertainment, the amenities – which really put the nail in the coffin of me ever going on a different cruise. The food was whatever. The entertainment sucked. The amenities? What amenities?! A functioning toilet? All the Purell I could ever dream of?! Because that’s really all we got.

Day 6 was forgettable and so was…

DAY 7

The day itself was forgettable. We did what we did the day before as far as walking around the boat and trying to entertain ourselves by people watching, but that’s all I really remember of that day.

As far as the night, we eventually docked at like 6pm and it was a fucking clusterfuck to get off the boat. There was a line that went through the entire ship to get people off the boat. That was really the only time I saw some different people and I wasn’t thankful for it.

But we got off the boat in Victoria, so we could catch dinner with another couple who I’ve only ever known online. The guy is another MMA/UFC writer who I’ve talked quite a lot with online, but have never met in person and the girl is his very nice wife who is a nurse in her own right. They took us out for dinner and we stuffed ourselves with poutine on French fries and meat sandwiches and several beers.

We got to stretch our legs, I got to talk some cagefighting, and we got to tell some of our horror stories from the boat outloud and proud.

It was too bad we were only there for a couple of hours, so we grabbed dinner and that’s about it. They drove us around Victoria a little bit, which seemed lovely. They’ve got Christmas lights on their capital building year round I believe.

And then we had to get back on the fucking boat!

We went back to our cabin and crashed, so that we could get up at 6am the next day…

DAY 8

GET US OFF THIS FUCKING BOAT!!!!

The boat docked at 7am and we got off the boat at some point after that and it took us forever to get a cab because these people are fucking idiots. I don’t know who was “in charge” of the cab line, but they were the absolute worst people to be in charge of it. Anyway… first world problems.

As for a brief overview of our time in Seattle, which we spent the weekend in…

We met some more online people who were excellent people and we got beer with them and pizza and we went to a baseball game with them…

We went to Pike’s market and ate at a great luncheonette kind of place called THREE GIRLS BAKERY. And we ate donuts and we walked around smelling flowers and we went to the Space Needle and at the Space Needle there is the Chihuly “Garden and Glass” art exhibit, which was fucking fantastic…

That’s all blown glass. And there are several more rooms of enormous blown glass sculptures and then there’s a bunch of it outside as well and they’re all fucking nuts. It’s all so stupidly over the top impressive that you’re just like … well, this Chihuly guy is simply better than me.

Danielle even humored me that evening and went to a bar in Seattle to watch the UFC 174 pay-per-view.

We had a nice lowkey weekend in Seattle as Danielle and I tried to recover from our new found dizzy spells from being on the boat and we caught a cold on this trip, so we were both runny nose sick in Seattle.

And we eventual flew back to New Jersey and we got to see Coco for the first time in 11 days and I nearly cried when I saw her.

In conclusion…

GO TO ALASKA!!!!

If you like cruises, if you can stand being on them and enjoy them, then take an Alaskan cruise.

From what I heard from other cruisers, this was a great cruise in comparison to other cruises. Alaska is fucking great and the cruise was apparently great to cruise goers, so it’s a no-brainer to take an Alaskan cruise if you like cruising.

If you don’t like cruises then figure out a plane flight to get there. Fly to Seattle or Victoria or Vancouver or where ever and fly up to Alaska or fly straight to Alaska. It’s worth it. We didn’t get to see Anchorage and Fairbanks and a bunch of other stuff and I wouldn’t mind going back there at all to do more in Alaska. And, the excursions are available to people who aren’t from a cruise boat. Anyone can do these excursions that we did with or without the stupid cruise.

Also…

Going to Alaska made me understand Sarah Palin even less.

I know I only went to three towns in Alaska and I didn’t talk a whole hell of a lot to any of the Alaskans, but from what I could see and what I heard – those people were not Palin people. Those people didn’t even seem to be Republican. They seemed to be nature people. They seemed to be hippie people almost. Everything up there was gluten free or organic this and so on and so forth. I can’t imagine that those tree lovers were at all comfortably represented by the “Barracuda” who was shown once shooting wolves with high powered rifles from a helicopter. I’m pretty sure Palin was an outlier in that world.

If I had to make a real guess as to where Palin comes from… she’s the only one who really wanted it.

The people that we came across, they weren’t up in Alaska by accident. They removed themselves from the context of a typical American society to live amongst the trees and the animals out there in Alaska. The idea that one of them would be enticed to want to be apart of the Washington D.C. political machine would be wildly out of character for the people that we met or saw. I feel like Palin was one of the very few with political aspirations in that area and more so political aspirations to be anything but an Alaskan resident.

Palin is a celebrity. And that’s what her goal was. That’s a lot of politicians’ goals to be a public figure. This is my opinion, but I think if you’re in Alaska – generally you’re not vying to be a public figure and Palin was one of the very few that was. So, she had the ambition to do something that most of the people in that area don’t have or want.

I don’t care enough to look at what Alaska’s voter turnout is. I don’t care enough because Palin didn’t care enough to even be the governor for her full term. If she doesn’t care then I certainly don’t care to investigate this much further. But I feel like voter turnout can’t be great, just like America’s turnout as a whole isn’t great. And in that, if you want to be a politician in Alaska it’s probably pretty fucking easy to be one because no one else wants to be one. Everyone else is too busy hiking and eating smoked salmon.

Also, I mean Palin was elected in a midterm year… zing!

Ok.

I’m done.

I loved Alaska. I found the place to be gorgeous. I found the people to be friendly and proud of their state and their beautiful world they live in a quiet and enviable way. I also found it to be a place people sought out instead of ended up. It’s also expensive. Everything has to be shipped up there for the most part, so food wasn’t cheap in Alaska.

I’d recommend it through and through and I’m very happy I went. It was definitely a place I always thought of going and thought I would end up there much later in life. Now, I’m turning 31 in a week and I’ve been to two glaciers in my life and would’ve never expected it to be that way.

Thanks for reading.

I love you.

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