KS wants IT for the money

Kristen Stewart’s infinite want has helped win her such attractive roles as “main chick who eerily wants it” in several feature films, but I am worried she has yet to cash in on this success. The best way to make money is to whore yourself out for big business advertisements. Athletes do it all the time. They wear some company’s clothes, they drink some company’s drink. I wonder why not Kristen Stewart?

Kristen Stewart can convey the greatest want all the time every time so she would be a perfect product spokesmodel. Buttonfly jeans? She wants them. Apple flavored vodka? She wants it. An SUV that gets 28 miles/gallon? SHE WANTS IT! So the first advertisement campaign that came to mind that could truly use Kristen Stewart’s want is “got milk?”

I think if cows saw these ads and saw how much Kristen Stewart wanted their milk they would hook those pumps up to their own teets. Teets? Neeps? Neepples?

But… Kristen Stewart does not ask “got milk?” Kristen Stewart WANTS MILK!!!

Got Milk? I hate that catchphrase. It is rude and not proper English. Got milk? How about “do you have any milk?” Or better yet “Excuse me sir, would you be able to spare any milk for my begging ass?” Got milk? I don’t know you and when did we get on this casual basis that you can just address me with an improper question, hunh!?! Punk ass motherfucker, don’t use the “tu” form with me; I am an “usted” motherfucker.

Got Milk? It sounds condescending and pretentious. Got milk? No I don’t. Who walks around with milk on them? Milk goes bad really quickly and I don’t have a refrigerator in my pocket, so no I don’t have any milk. Why don’t you go hassle a pregnant lady or something? Or maybe get a fucking job and buy yourself milk.

While on the subject of milk, I am going to finally get the chance to talk about a topic that otherwise would be hard to work into these posts about Kristen Stewart wanting it and that is “monkey milk”. That’s right I said it! It has been the 800 pound elephant in the room for far too long. Consider this website a fertile valley where we can for once discuss the issues we all sit with on the tips of our tongues, but don’t dare say. We are actively discussing Kristen Stewart “wanting it” and now it is time for the “monkey milk” debate.

We are out there every day on the front lines drinking milk from cows. But our thirst for foreign animal milk was not satiated by mere cows so we moved onto goats. From goats there was the enslavement of the “soy” “bean”. Since then we have really slowed down on this idea of milking any animal we can get our crazy hands on. That is one question, why have we stopped? Shouldn’t we be drinking even weirder milks? Why not, right? Aren’t we bored with cows at this point? But which animal’s neepples should be our next target?

I propose monkeys.

Human breast milk is better for humans than any other animal’s milk. But I’m not advocating for factories of wet nurses for three reasons: 1. it would be creepy, 2. it would be such a mess screening the women and making sure they aren’t taking heroin or something, and 3. ladies are pretty and should have jobs like modeling bikinis. Back to the point, what animal is closest to a human? A monkey. So a+b=c and we have a whole new cold section at the local supermarkets. Chocolate monkey milk, strawberry monkey milk, 2% monkey milk.

Before you throw up for the third time and say “that’s disgusting” or “that’s against God’s plan”, what about all the other stuff science has done to monkeys? We sent them to space, we made them glow in the dark, we put them in movies with Clint Eastwood and we blamed them for AIDs. I’m just proposing we drink some of their delicious milk.

Either way, you would buy monkey milk if Kristen Stewart was selling it. Could monkey milk really be all that bad if Kristen Stewart wanted it so much?

And with that, I am done for the week. I will be back on Monday.