Would Kristen Stewart make for a good girlfriend?

August 20, 2009

No.

Before I explain, I have to address another taboo issue that is all on our minds: polygamy. I have already tackled the issue of “monkey milk” which was the previous 800 pound elephant in the room. In actuality, that is not that big of an elephant. Sure it would be weird to be sitting in a room with a group of people, strangers and/or friends, and there would also be a living, breathing, pooping, and maybe trying to eat someone’s hair with its long trunk elephant in that exact same room and no one is talking about it.

Person in the room: “So did you see District 9 over the weekend? I saw it and I don’t get what all the hype was about. It was about just a bunch of aliens eating cat food. What’s the big deal?”

Me: “First, we’re not friends anymore. If we did consider ourselves ‘friends’ then that is over and you will never redeem yourself in my eyes from the comments you just made. I don’t want to necessarily wish cancer on you for your complete lack of critical praise for the best movie of 2009 thus far, but I will wish on you similar symptoms that will prove to be painful, but in the end not life threatening. Second, THERE IS A MOTHER FUCKING ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM! Does anyone else see it!?! Did someone slip acid into my Yoo-Hoo like it is 1972 and we’re watching Emerson, Lake & Palmer play their classic jam ‘From the Beginning’?”

In that scenario, I was alive in 1972 and I drink Yoo-Hoo. These are two falsehoods. I do enjoy “From the Beginning” by British supergroup Emerson, Lake & Palmer. Regardless of the size of an elephant in the room it should be talked about. Whether the elephant is a child-like 800 pounds or a full grown 15,000 pound African elephant, you talk about it; you have to talk about it. Let me just further the point, you need to talk about the elephant in the room because in life you will be in more rooms where there are no elephants in them. Unless you live in an elephant cage or unless you are in fact an elephant yourself. If that is the case, elephants have finally taken over and RUN! There will be no survivors in the ELEPHANT APOCALYPSE.

Polygamy. I guess there was a time when I thought polygamy was wrong. It might have been when I was a child and held onto a more conservative definition to what a marriage should be. But between my ever growing fear of elephants rising up and waging war on our cities, me losing my faith in God during the 1994 Major League Baseball strike, and my eventual realization that my life’s purpose will be illuminating the eager masses to the truth that Kristen Stewart wants it – at some point I got over the idea of polygamy being a big deal. That and watching Big Love.

Honestly, it doesn’t seem like a bad gig if you can handle all the problems. Bill Paxton has opened my eyes to my new stance on polygamy: if you are consensual adults and up to the challenge of dealing with the chaos of having several crazy women as your wives and raising a buttload (mathematical term) of kids then go for it. I’m not going to stop you. That would be like someone telling me they want to run a marathon everyday for 100 days. Good luck. I’m not going to help, but I’m not going to talk you out of it. If you can accomplish that goal then you deserve a medal.

With that being said, the comments section of KSWI needs to be addressed apparently. I have been receiving marriage proposals I think from a few people, although there are the standouts who have mentioned it in numerous posts. I would be willing if you all can agree on a polygamist marriage and  we will all get married. I am not going to decide on the arrangement of wives either. You can argue amongst yourselves about who is the first wife, second wife and so forth. Also it would be really helpful if you were all hot like how it is on Big Love. Also if you were good at doing laundry would help. I hate doing laundry. I mean I do it. I’m not sitting in my own filth over here. Hot and laundry-able would be great.

 

My main responsibility as husband is to be funny everyday which I think I can manage because I’m already doing it for free over here. I do have a regular 9-5 job, but I doubt my salary will be enough to raise numerous families on so you’ll have to keep your jobs as well. I will help in making sure any and all children will be raised properly in all the works of the one true God. By that I mean they’ll be Pittsburgh Steelers’ fans (BLACK AND GOLD!!!), their favorite album will be Surfer Rosa by The Pixies, if you’re going to properly rear naked choke someone you push the person’s head down with your one arm and squeeze tight around their neck with your other arm cutting off the blood flow of the carotid arteries to their brain, and that Kristen Stewart wants it more that anyone ever always.

Anyway, I do read the comments, all of them. I do really enjoy reading them. This site hasn’t been running on a regular basis for a month yet, so my main focus is trying to write new material almost everyday. I wasn’t expecting to write something new everyday and was actually trying to do a Monday, Wednesday, Friday update schedule. But you (plural) want it so much. The feedback I have been getting has compelled me to write every day of the week. You just want it so bad; it makes me want to give it to you (the funny and the other things) so then you’ll continue coming back and wanting it more. So keep up the good work and hopefully I will as well. I do appreciate it.

Kristen Stewart would not make for a good girlfriend.

Simply, the positives do not out-weigh the negatives to dating Kristen Stewart. I didn’t phrase the question of “would Kristen Stewart be a good girlfriend?” because that I do not know. I don’t know if Kristen Stewart would cheat on you or make you watch Picket Fences re-runs everyday of the week or one day snap from wanting it so much that she ties you up behind a Dunkin’ Donuts and attacks you with gardening shears. I don’t know if she would do any of those things. What I do know is that Kristen Stewart wanting it so much and all the time would prove to be too great of a burden on a relationship.

Kristen Stewart’s “want” would be cool at first. It would be great at first. It would be the best thing ever at first. A guys’ ego is fragile and it does need constant upkeep. Kristen would be all about that. A guy will have that doubt in the back of his head that will whisper every once and a while “is this chick into me?” For Kristen Stewart, yes! Every time she looks at you it would be an emphatic YES YES I WANT IT! You would be riding high on this. If I’m wearing my shitty sweatpants she wants it, if I’m brushing my teeth she wants it, if I’m in a tuxedo and I feel like an idiot being overdressed because everyone else is just wearing a suit with no tie even though the invitation clearly stated “black tie” – SHE WANTS IT!

 

Whatever the situation, whatever you are doing, Kristen would turn and look at you and you would feel like you are on top of the world. This chick digs me. But after a little while the epiphany will happen. You will only notice at first that she wants you. It will be all you think about. It will be such a beautiful all encompassing warmth you will feel knowing that she wants you all the time. At some point, that glowing warmth will become tainted. You will feel cold. You will feel devoid of that warmth and you will feel an endless cold covering your body like Larry King’s skin. You will realize, Kristen Stewart wants it and it’s not just from you.

No matter what Kristen is doing, who it is with, what she is looking at, who she is looking at – Kristen Stewart wants it. This will destroy your mind. Imagine you are this guy:

 

I’m not sure who that guy is, but he looks like a douche. I’m not saying you are a douche. Imagine you are in his place in this picture. Of course, you wouldn’t be looking like a douche wearing a white t-shirt to a widely publicized awards show on television. Dress like a grown up you douche. Anyway, imagine you are him. Also his hair is very douche-y. Anyway, imagine you are in his position. You are with Kristen Stewart and you are out holding hands and you feel good. Until you notice Kristen looking off to her right and she is wanting it. What the fuck is over there? Is Rob over there!?! Who is over there Kristen!?! Kristen, you better answer me! Who is over there? Who the fuck is over there!?! Don’t give me that look, Kristen! I saw you looking over there. I saw how you were looking over there and don’t look at me the exact same way and play it off like you weren’t looking over there like that. Who the fuck is over there!?!

See? That would be all day every day. That would be the same “conversation” you would have with Kristen if you were at a grocery store, a movie, a concert, a niece’s first communion. It would break you. Imagine something simple like having your parents over for dinner. You think everything is going fine until you see Kristen look at your father. What the fuck? Am I the only one seeing this shit? I can’t believe she wants it from my Dad! But then your mom asks everyone if they want a second glass of wine (because this is taking place before we have the intervention and send mom to the Betty Ford clinic so everyone is biting their tongue and trying to keep her under a bottle of wine for the night). Kristen will instinctively look at your mom when answering the question and it will start all over again in your head. WHAT!?! MY MOM!?! Kristen Stewart wants it from my mom!?!

 

This would be an ongoing problem that will never resolve itself. Even if you can learn to meditate and realize that this is just who Kristen Stewart is, she just wants it all the time, it is an indiscriminate want so I shouldn’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean she is going to act on her want, she just wants it. Nevertheless, you’ll have to constantly be checking what is it that she wants and you’ll never be at peace. You’ll never feel comfortable letting each other have alone time because you’ll need to know what is it she is wanting now. Here is a scenario:

INT – HOME – Day

In a quaint suburban home, you are sitting on the couch flipping through the digital cable guide trying to find something to watch. Kristen is in the kitchen getting a glass of water.

You notice that one of the numerous HBO movie channels has Apocalypse Now Redux on.

You: Hey honey, Apocalypse Now Redux is on. We don’t have plans for another 15 hours, right? So I think I’m going to watch it. Do you want to watch it?

Kristen: Don’t wait for me. I really don’t like the Redux. I think the additional scenes only slow the movie to a grinding halt and don’t progress the story line. Especially that half hour of them hanging out with those French people at that plantation house. That is painful to watch. (Kristen Stewart is very wise by the way and the French woman at the plantation house wants it. Not as much as Kristen of course, but she wants it a lot though.)

You: Oh ok.

After a few minutes, a nagging suspicion is in your head that Kristen is in the kitchen wanting it. You can’t shake it from your brain and you can’t focus on the movie.

You: Uh… baby, what are you doing in there?

Kristen: Nothing.

But you know she isn’t doing “nothing”. She is wanting it in there.

You: I’m not going to watch the movie anymore. So can you come back in here?

- Fade to black –

That would be your life. It would be hell. Kristen Stewart’s want is more than one man or woman can handle. Kristen may need to start watching Big Love and get into polygamy like I have.

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64 Responses to “Would Kristen Stewart make for a good girlfriend?”

  1. siluro said

    lol, you made an entry while i was replying on the previous last one…
    if u drop by amsterdam sometime, leave a note so we can go for a beer and laugh our asses off :)

  2. tiffanized said

    Kristen Stewart wants it in every room of the house.

    I didn’t want to marry you before I read this post, but now I do. I will be content to be fourth or fifth wife, since I think janetrigs, brookelockart and Leigh Anne should take the top spots. I don’t do laundry.

    • StageManageThis said

      I too would join your polygamist clan. My goal in life is to be the barren 1st wife a la Barb on Big Love…no babies, alternate evenings with the hubs, everyone gets some alone time. We all win, and then all of your wives will Want It. So, if we can make that happen, I’m all in.

      • StageManageThis said

        Also. I love to do laundry.

      • hermes said

        I, I don’t want to be your wife.. (gasp)

        I prefer the role of 1st mistress.
        All the benfits.. none of the crap that goes with being a wife.

        Kristen Stewart wants it (oh yeah).
        I’ll even do a 3 some.

        x Hermes

  3. Kristin said

    yes. count me in. I don’t mind laundry. and I always liked being pregnant. Just in case you were wondering.

    LOVE this site. love it so hard.

  4. Leigh Anne said

    1. I do believe I proposed first. Therefore, I am the “Barb” in this situation, and therefore, I am the head wife. (I said “head.” I win.) The first wife. Whaever. This means that our children will be the most important, and we will also blow an amazing wad of cash on hotel rooms, while we engage in a secret affair. With each other. Even though we are already married.

    Pause for a moment to contain your glee…I said “blow” and “wad” in the same sentence. I rule.

    Moving on…I am hotter than Barb and Nikki, but maybe not quite as adorable as Margene. I have bigger boobs than all of them, so again…I win.

    I hate laundry. But I do it every day. While watching Flash Gordon (who doesn’t love a movie scored entirely by Queen?) or Season 2 of Gossip Girl, or all 4 seasons of Battlestar Galactica.

    2. District 9 is the best movie of the year. Anyone who says otherwise is a complete waste of my time and effort. And a total dillweed. (I haven’t yet seen “The Boat That Rocked,” however its soundtrack is tremendous.]

    3. Do you watch Lost? Because that is a requisite for me if I’m going to engage in polygamy. We’ve established that you’re a fan of Mad Men. What are your feelings on Torchwood? How about the greatest show after Lost, the recently finalized Battlestar Galactica? And…do you watch Lost?

    4. I would like every Wednesday “off” in this marriage. Because that picture of Kristen Stewart wanting it in the black and silver dress, up against that pier, is freakin’ MONEY. She’s hot as hell. She may want it all the time, but I want her…in that pic…every Wednesday. Ahem.

    5. Oregano, the affectionate term for Kristen Stewart’s ex-boyfriend, Michael Angarano), might look like a Douche, but seriously…any dude who has co-starred in both Will & Grace and the amazing film, “Almost Famous,” cannot be that bad.

    6. She’s totally looking at Rob in that picture. That’s who was over there. And yes, she was wanting it even then. I didn’t say wanting “him.” I said wanting “it.” I mean…duh, she wants Robert Pattinson. As do 74% of the female population of the universe. But she still wants “it” while she wants “him.” Obviously.

    7. I will now share with you (in this, the longest comment I’ve ever left in my life) my most favorite part of this entire post:

    You: Uh… baby, what are you doing in there?

    Kristen: Nothing.

    But you know she isn’t doing “nothing”. She is wanting it in there.

    Brilliant. She’s everything AND the freakin’ kitchen sink. I cannot stand the magnitude of her want. It slays me. As do you.

    The End.

    p.s. Just kidding. Not The End.

    While I appreciate the daily WANT you’ve been providing this week (such stamina…swoon!), please know that none of us mean to pressure you into posting every day. Take your time. Live your life. Post when you feel like it. And by “feel like it,” I mean every day. Thanks.

    • Freya said

      I think I’m required to join the polygamist cult, if only to keep Leigh Anne company watching tv. Mad Men, Torchwood and Being Human marathons! Probably not the only marathons going on–better stock up on the Power Bars and rest! *wink*

    • brookelockart said

      Leigh Anne,
      My dearest “Barb” that was the best comment that I have every read in all my 29 years. I’m suddenly feeling very inadequate.

      I also am finding this very strange that I am now part of two communes, one with Rob and one with KSWI author…(is it Mike?). Funny that it is with all the same women though… Although Janetrigs called Margene, I’m pretty sure I am closer to that role, cause I like the sexin’, a lot.

      Must actually get back to that “real world” job, somebody has to earn the paycheck.

      Gros Bisous,
      Brooke

      PS, that big bump in site viewers that you will most likely receive tomorrow is my doing. So I feel like we need word, from you Mike, that us ladies get say on who joins the family. I’m a snob like that. x

      • StageManageThis said

        I just don’t want to have babies. I am vehemently against the springing forth of young from my loins. I don’t need to be First. I’m happy to be the Margene. Boss me around. I’m into that shit. Just don’t make me birth a child. Or own a child.

  5. Valerie said

    Hmmm, not hot so I guess that counts me out.

    Leigh Anne, You are def 1st wife material! Love you!

    As usual, love this post!

  6. Janetrigs said

    I call Margene cause I am cute and bubbly, and YES, I love doing laundry! No really, I really effing do. But I hate to cook, so we will have take-out like Margene gives Bill on some nights.

    Like Lula, LOST is a prerequisite,and might I suggest that someone else take whatever night LOST and TrueBlood are on, as the two of us will be quite busy.

    And I also agree with Lula (aS I mostly always do somehow) that the Kristen Stewart Wants It Theater was Killer. You Rock my world and will gladly be your 3rd wife.

    Sincerely,
    Margenerigs

    PS I’m slightly fightened of the ELEPHANT APOCALYPSE

  7. vickyb said

    Yes please I would like a spot somewhere in this line (I don’t care…as long as we get alone time).

    Now on to the topic at hand. I had never really stopped to ponder the daily effects of having to deal w/ Kristen Stewarts want. I mean sure, every once in a while I draw my gaze away from Rpattz lovely face in the EW out takes and notice that there is indeed another person in the picture, but I can usually keep myself from being totally over taken by the obvious Want that Kristen Stewart is exuding. But to have to live with that EVERYDAY…I just don’t think any guy could. Not even the most confident guy could handle that. I mean you’d never want to leave the house. You’d have to dodge the mailman, the water guy, the Schwann’s man…my god could you imagine what would happen if she ever laid that Want on the UPS guy?? I don’t even want to think about it. Let’s just agree that Kristen Stewarts Want is too much for any one man or woman to handle.

  8. Emma said

    I do not want to marry you (yeah, I know) BUT I do think is one of the funniest fucking sites I’ve EVER come across. I’ve had to stop reading it at work because a couple days ago, I nearly fell out of my desk chair laughing. Keep up the good work!

  9. So, my partner in crime and I have taken to calling you WANTward, or alternatively ITward, as we are not clear on what to call you. KSWI sounds like an Ohio radiostation, and let’s be honest, I have no real plans to go to Ohio. For WANTward, on the other hand, I am sure I could get a commuter deal.

    Let the record show, I have no interest in marrying you. Seriously. I have, however, graduated from blogcrush to bloglust. After just one day of reading your blog I was running back today to read this post. Thought you should know.

  10. Heather said

    Well, there certainly IS some big lovin’ going on in here! I support this. And let us not speak of the Elephant Apocalypse again. *shudder* You might as well have a 15,000 pound circus clown in the room.

  11. HeyyyBrother said

    I did confess to wanting you just a few posts ago. I even said that I empathized with Kristen’s suffering because of my Want. That’s how awesome I think you are. If that doesn’t earn me a spot in your big lovin’ family, then what more do you want from me?

    I’ll clean and do laundry. I’ll continue to work – the job’s not that bad (I am reading your blog while “working,” after all), and I pull in a mean 7-figure salary (please note: in the interest of starting our partnership off on the right and honest foot, I am counting the 2 figures AFTER the decimal point to come to the 7-figure number). I type at an inhumanly fast pace, so you could dictate your blog posts to me and I’ll take care of the tedious task of publishing your brilliance to the masses.

    All I would ask of you is that you occasionally watch Arrested Development, play some video games, and go on the occasional date with me. I’ve always been known as a generous person who shares well (just ask my kindergarten teacher, best marks in the class), so I promise not to resort to any sort of hair-pulling, clothes-tearing, nail-slashing catfights with the other wives…

    Looking forward to the special day. I’ll do my best to reign in the Want until then.

    Oh, one more thing: surely Kristen’s want could stave off the Elephant Apocalypse… no?

    • HeyyyBrother said

      Btw, just to clarify, I do mean it when I say that’s all I would ask of you. Children hold no interest for me – much like your other soon-to-be wife, StageManageThis. So that should keep your brood to a minimum. Fewer mouths to feed and whatnot. And I won’t force you to play video games with me unless you really want to… but it’s been my experience so far that the average male does enjoy a video game or two.

      I also come free of any baggage. I’m currently a swingin’ single devoid of any psychotic exes, children, cats, criminal records. I would consider myself a pretty decent catch, even if only for wife #7 (8, 9, 23?).

      P.S. Just curious, but did you ever think you would need to write a blog post fending off a bunch of crazed women uncontrollably oozing Want for you?

  12. S dot Cinni said

    It is no wonder that these adulterous whores come to your aid after I speak the truth. After you pander this tripe to them, they have the nerve to turn their back on their loving husbands to engage in this perverse delusion.

    A couple things:

    1. Your site still sucks
    2. Marriage is between 1 man and 1 woman.
    3. Give me a break

    • Leigh Anne said

      AWESOME! Nell Carter is back! Did you ever find out what happened to your piece of the cake?

      p.s. I’ve never been called an adulterous whore in my life. Now I know how Jude Law feels.

      • StageManageThis said

        Here’s the wild crazy thing about the interwebs: If you don’t like it, just freaking ignore it.

        Clearly, you like someone about KSWI because you keep returning. Do you think that positing a comment on a site like this will convert the world to your narrow-minded and homophobic way of thinking? No. Yet you return. Maybe YOU WANT IT! Not only that, but I think you NEED IT.

        Also, I’m not married. Therefore not adulterous. Or a whore.

        We all recognize the difference between BANTER, or CAMARADERIE as opposed to your deluded impression that any of us plan on leaving a significant other to marry an anonymous blogger. No offense. I do heart you so Anonymous Blogger. Wait. Does professing my love negate my rant and make me an adulterous whore? Dammit.

        Go eat your cake Nell, and leave us alone.

    • brookelockart said

      You weren’t hugged enough as a child, were you?

      Or maybe you’re just really that lonely and bored with your life that you continue to come back to a blog that you don’t like. And you really must hate yourself, if you call people names who are obviously kidding and even if we weren’t, what they hell is it to you?

      Maybe you are just hideous and upset that we will not include you in our love commune. *shrug*

      You are entitled to your opinion, but if you don’t like what you are seeing, mosey along.

      PS. I’ll pray for you!

      • StageManageThis said

        But you’re A Jewish Brookie. If you pray for Nell, she’ll sure go to H-E-double hockey sticks.

      • Kristin said

        Oh haters! and wait, ladies, we aren’t serious about this?!? ha. Love the haters.

        On to more important things:

        I have always been a fan of love communes! This is going to be perfect. Did I mention I love to cook and I like being pregnant? Yes, I will be your barefoot and pregnant wife in the kitchen. I bet Kristen can just look at a baby and with her extreme gift of wanting it, impregnate herself.
        I was thinking about this…(don’t judge), who will teach the children? I don’t mean Math and Spelling. I am talking about the level of want. (WANT 101, 102,etc)I know we can never fully explain the magnitude of IT, but I believe that society will be better of if we make an effort.

      • brookelockart said

        At the love commune (commune in the sense of us all having houses on the same block) we radiate the Want, therefore it will not be necessary to teach it.

    • HeyyyBrother said

      Who are you to assume my husband is loving!? and doesn’t deserve to be left for the studly KSWI blogger?

      Wait… I don’t even have a husband.

      I’m a 25-year-old, single, completely unattached female who happens to enjoy a little bit of sarcasm. If you don’t, well then… good day to you. May you find another [far less entertaining] blog to spend your time on so that you won’t have to spend your days agonizing over the fate of our “loving husbands.”

    • Freya said

      I’m not married. So the title is simply “whore”, not “adulterous whore”. Get it right, please.

      Also, ladies, who’s up for Bowling shirts? WHORE in big letters on the front, and our wife numbers on the back? That would be awesome!

      • StageManageThis said

        I think the whore should be on the sleeve. Can I help with the cooking? I’m a master baker. Hehehe. I would make a cake for Nell.

        Love to my sister-wives,
        MargeneManageThis

      • brookelockart said

        Will it be bumper bowling? and my shirt must say #1 whore.

      • StageManageThis – you bake, I’ll cook. Also, I suck at bowling, although I will proudly pay my $15 for the shirt.

    • Janet said

      I don’t remember being married now. Did something happen while I was drinking.

      • hermes said

        @janet-
        S dot cinni went on a Want It rampage…
        She’s freaking out and is strongly opposed to the polagmy thing ya’all got going.
        Someone forgot to tell her about the fun aspect of blogs.. and that its basically all a fantasy thing…

        Except for Kristen Stewart Wanting It.

    • hermes said

      well.. Roll us over and bend us over.. and thank you sir may I have another..

      Lighten up luv we’re all only havin a bit o’fun.
      Twilight, and its characters and actors are fantasy remember.

  13. Opala said

    After reading most of the comments I can officially give you a stamp signifying you are all insane.

    Good day.

  14. A few notes:

    1. I do not do laundry
    2. I do not do dishes
    3. I like to fuck.

    I assume polygamy involves threesomes with all of my ladies? If so, sign me up for the Compound!

    • StageManageThis said

      Wait wait wait – we are a modern polygamist family. No compounds and Laura Ashley dresses for us! Seperate wives, seperate homes.

    • HeyyyBrother said

      Well wouldn’t you be a saucy addition to the sister-wife-clan!

    • brookelockart said

      @too_far_gone this is the second day of you trying to get me into kitty licking…just sayin.

      • Well, adulterous h00rs tend to be into shit like kitty-licking.

        No worries, I’m fairly sure Dreamrevelry would join me in a threesome.

      • brookelockart said

        Well, if I am to keep of the title of #1 whore, kitty-licking it is! i <3 u

        PS did we just become the biggest wet dream to mr. blogger or what?

      • Little bit. Not sure he was ready for our brand of snarky adulterous whore behavior.

      • Freya said

        I think the fact that I came back over to KSWI because I neglected to mention my skills and talents to sell Mr. Anonymous Blogger on accepting me as a wife, and that my big selling point was going to be “always did well on ORAL EXAMS–if you know what I mean”–probably seals the deal on the OMG HOT factor of this whole polygamous marriage.

  15. Kristin said

    I am never one to decline a threesome. Even my “loving husband” would agree.

    Ladies – I think that together we can be one amazing domestic conglomerate.

    I would like a bowling shirt, and I think that the wife # should be on the front (like left pocket area, above our name) and WHORE should be across the back in large letters. Right below that it should say “BECAUSE SHE WANTS IT”.

    Yes, Mr. Blog Owner…are you ready for this?

  16. MrsKowski said

    Words can not express how much I love each and every one of you ladies (yes, even you Nell) with my whole heart.

    And Mr. Anonymous blogger dude, I can personally attest to the fact that each of these women would make excellent additions to your commune allowing you to lead a very relaxed and very sexed life style with more time to update this blog daily.

    And we all know how bad Kristen Stewart Wants IT!!

  17. Proselyte3 said

    Well damn, that settles it!

    Leigh Anne is first wife. She has big boobs, and alas…I……do not. In fact, to be completely honest, they may or may not be about the size of KS. Apparently, the want is not stored, supernaturally in the tatas, like Samson and his hair. Or, one would THINK, I would have the want. You know, …by default. Because of the small boobage. I could, however, be persuaded to shimmy around the house in nothing but an apron and a pair of Louboutins. If you’re into that kinda thing? Just hang on to my application.

    And…P.S. Do your homework! I WAS first…eff you delusional bitches! x

    • BrookeLockart said

      Pros3,
      You totally were the first one to propose marriage. Leigh Anne is stepping on your toes. However, first wife seems like too much responsibility. We’ll go off and party and blame our rebellion on our lower status. And you know, you already are my lezzie life partner, we should be the same rank.

      Your fellow member of the itty bitty titty committee,
      Brooke

      • Proselyte3 said

        You’re right, you’re always right Brookie…God, I really am loathe to walk away from a fight. But truth is I kinda love Lula, and if she wants first wife so badly…well, I concede. The rebellion part appeals to me. As does our mostly fake lez life partnership.

        Just promise me one thing, Sir La Perla, that I get second wife. As I obviously qualify. And by qualify, I mean I don’t cook, do laundry, do dishes, clean, iron, run errands…just sit, look pretty, and want it…hard.

      • Leigh Anne said

        I proposed in my very first comment. So there. I still win.

        Have we SERIOUSLY taken over this dude’s blog? Oh my stars…

        he rues the day he began to post about the want.

        Please Mr. Author of The Want…please don’t be afraid of us. Please don’t rue. I”m being totally serious here. There is zero snark in my voice. Which I wish you could hear, ’cause I’m all kinds of southern and sassy.

        And you didn’t answer my question about Lost. DO YOU LOVE LOST? Because I bet you a bojillion dollars Kristen Stewart loves Lost. Just as much as she wants it.

  18. aneira said

    fuck dude.
    congratulations. new record? 51.. well 52 comments. im guessing new record.
    and you should know, its all because this is the greatest blog umm.. ever. yeah ever.
    my status on facebook yesterday was ..

    “Got Milk? It sounds condescending and pretentious. Got milk? No I don’t. Who walks around with milk on them? Milk goes bad really quickly and I don’t have a refrigerator in my pocket, so no I don’t have any milk. Why don’t you go hassle a pregnant lady or something? Or maybe get a fucking job and buy yourself milk.” i love him.

    everyone thought it was fucking hilarious. and you make my day. for instance, i was sick today, like really sick. and you made me feel better. and ks’ want, that also made me feel better.

  19. Leigh Anne said

    Oh…I forgot to mention. My husband–the one before you, that is–is a lifelong Steelers fan. He’s totally OK with you joining our family as a brother-husband. And while I Iove The Pixies, my favorite album is Bookends, by Simon & Garfunkel. Or Veedon Fleece, by Van Morrison. No, wait…Pet Sounds. I’m not telling you who did that album, because I’m positive you have a freakin’ clue. Oh, crap…Dramarama’s Cinema Verite is pretty dang sweet, too.

    I cannot decide.
    Oh well. Go Steelers. (We may or may not love us some Franco Harris up in here.)

  20. Oli said

    dude, you gotta check out the Dazed & Confused Sept issue. KStew WANTS IT so bad in thoes pics.
    your blog rocks by the way.

  21. 2far2care said

    I spent the family vacation budget on a trip to the Super Bowl (one for the thumb!). I come with 2 daughters but they come with Steelers jerseys. And they aren’t those pansy-ass pink ones like Jessica Simpson wears.

    Big Ben wants it too….but not from that crazy lyin bitch in Tahoe.

  22. apotampkin said

    This blog rocks!

  23. gem said

    2nd time to the site, 1st time posting.

    This is brilliant and you had me from the first Kristen Stewart Wanting IT!

    I’ll join the family!

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