Would Kristen Stewart make for a good girlfriend?

No.

Before I explain, I have to address another taboo issue that is all on our minds: polygamy. I have already tackled the issue of “monkey milk” which was the previous 800 pound elephant in the room. In actuality, that is not that big of an elephant. Sure it would be weird to be sitting in a room with a group of people, strangers and/or friends, and there would also be a living, breathing, pooping, and maybe trying to eat someone’s hair with its long trunk elephant in that exact same room and no one is talking about it.

Person in the room: “So did you see District 9 over the weekend? I saw it and I don’t get what all the hype was about. It was about just a bunch of aliens eating cat food. What’s the big deal?”

Me: “First, we’re not friends anymore. If we did consider ourselves ‘friends’ then that is over and you will never redeem yourself in my eyes from the comments you just made. I don’t want to necessarily wish cancer on you for your complete lack of critical praise for the best movie of 2009 thus far, but I will wish on you similar symptoms that will prove to be painful, but in the end not life threatening. Second, THERE IS A MOTHER FUCKING ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM! Does anyone else see it!?! Did someone slip acid into my Yoo-Hoo like it is 1972 and we’re watching Emerson, Lake & Palmer play their classic jam ‘From the Beginning’?”

In that scenario, I was alive in 1972 and I drink Yoo-Hoo. These are two falsehoods. I do enjoy “From the Beginning” by British supergroup Emerson, Lake & Palmer. Regardless of the size of an elephant in the room it should be talked about. Whether the elephant is a child-like 800 pounds or a full grown 15,000 pound African elephant, you talk about it; you have to talk about it. Let me just further the point, you need to talk about the elephant in the room because in life you will be in more rooms where there are no elephants in them. Unless you live in an elephant cage or unless you are in fact an elephant yourself. If that is the case, elephants have finally taken over and RUN! There will be no survivors in the ELEPHANT APOCALYPSE.

Polygamy. I guess there was a time when I thought polygamy was wrong. It might have been when I was a child and held onto a more conservative definition to what a marriage should be. But between my ever growing fear of elephants rising up and waging war on our cities, me losing my faith in God during the 1994 Major League Baseball strike, and my eventual realization that my life’s purpose will be illuminating the eager masses to the truth that Kristen Stewart wants it – at some point I got over the idea of polygamy being a big deal. That and watching Big Love.

Honestly, it doesn’t seem like a bad gig if you can handle all the problems. Bill Paxton has opened my eyes to my new stance on polygamy: if you are consensual adults and up to the challenge of dealing with the chaos of having several crazy women as your wives and raising a buttload (mathematical term) of kids then go for it. I’m not going to stop you. That would be like someone telling me they want to run a marathon everyday for 100 days. Good luck. I’m not going to help, but I’m not going to talk you out of it. If you can accomplish that goal then you deserve a medal.

With that being said, the comments section of KSWI needs to be addressed apparently. I have been receiving marriage proposals I think from a few people, although there are the standouts who have mentioned it in numerous posts. I would be willing if you all can agree on a polygamist marriage and  we will all get married. I am not going to decide on the arrangement of wives either. You can argue amongst yourselves about who is the first wife, second wife and so forth. Also it would be really helpful if you were all hot like how it is on Big Love. Also if you were good at doing laundry would help. I hate doing laundry. I mean I do it. I’m not sitting in my own filth over here. Hot and laundry-able would be great.

 

My main responsibility as husband is to be funny everyday which I think I can manage because I’m already doing it for free over here. I do have a regular 9-5 job, but I doubt my salary will be enough to raise numerous families on so you’ll have to keep your jobs as well. I will help in making sure any and all children will be raised properly in all the works of the one true God. By that I mean they’ll be Pittsburgh Steelers’ fans (BLACK AND GOLD!!!), their favorite album will be Surfer Rosa by The Pixies, if you’re going to properly rear naked choke someone you push the person’s head down with your one arm and squeeze tight around their neck with your other arm cutting off the blood flow of the carotid arteries to their brain, and that Kristen Stewart wants it more that anyone ever always.

Anyway, I do read the comments, all of them. I do really enjoy reading them. This site hasn’t been running on a regular basis for a month yet, so my main focus is trying to write new material almost everyday. I wasn’t expecting to write something new everyday and was actually trying to do a Monday, Wednesday, Friday update schedule. But you (plural) want it so much. The feedback I have been getting has compelled me to write every day of the week. You just want it so bad; it makes me want to give it to you (the funny and the other things) so then you’ll continue coming back and wanting it more. So keep up the good work and hopefully I will as well. I do appreciate it.

Kristen Stewart would not make for a good girlfriend.

Simply, the positives do not out-weigh the negatives to dating Kristen Stewart. I didn’t phrase the question of “would Kristen Stewart be a good girlfriend?” because that I do not know. I don’t know if Kristen Stewart would cheat on you or make you watch Picket Fences re-runs everyday of the week or one day snap from wanting it so much that she ties you up behind a Dunkin’ Donuts and attacks you with gardening shears. I don’t know if she would do any of those things. What I do know is that Kristen Stewart wanting it so much and all the time would prove to be too great of a burden on a relationship.

Kristen Stewart’s “want” would be cool at first. It would be great at first. It would be the best thing ever at first. A guys’ ego is fragile and it does need constant upkeep. Kristen would be all about that. A guy will have that doubt in the back of his head that will whisper every once and a while “is this chick into me?” For Kristen Stewart, yes! Every time she looks at you it would be an emphatic YES YES I WANT IT! You would be riding high on this. If I’m wearing my shitty sweatpants she wants it, if I’m brushing my teeth she wants it, if I’m in a tuxedo and I feel like an idiot being overdressed because everyone else is just wearing a suit with no tie even though the invitation clearly stated “black tie” – SHE WANTS IT!

 

Whatever the situation, whatever you are doing, Kristen would turn and look at you and you would feel like you are on top of the world. This chick digs me. But after a little while the epiphany will happen. You will only notice at first that she wants you. It will be all you think about. It will be such a beautiful all encompassing warmth you will feel knowing that she wants you all the time. At some point, that glowing warmth will become tainted. You will feel cold. You will feel devoid of that warmth and you will feel an endless cold covering your body like Larry King’s skin. You will realize, Kristen Stewart wants it and it’s not just from you.

No matter what Kristen is doing, who it is with, what she is looking at, who she is looking at – Kristen Stewart wants it. This will destroy your mind. Imagine you are this guy:

 

I’m not sure who that guy is, but he looks like a douche. I’m not saying you are a douche. Imagine you are in his place in this picture. Of course, you wouldn’t be looking like a douche wearing a white t-shirt to a widely publicized awards show on television. Dress like a grown up you douche. Anyway, imagine you are him. Also his hair is very douche-y. Anyway, imagine you are in his position. You are with Kristen Stewart and you are out holding hands and you feel good. Until you notice Kristen looking off to her right and she is wanting it. What the fuck is over there? Is Rob over there!?! Who is over there Kristen!?! Kristen, you better answer me! Who is over there? Who the fuck is over there!?! Don’t give me that look, Kristen! I saw you looking over there. I saw how you were looking over there and don’t look at me the exact same way and play it off like you weren’t looking over there like that. Who the fuck is over there!?!

See? That would be all day every day. That would be the same “conversation” you would have with Kristen if you were at a grocery store, a movie, a concert, a niece’s first communion. It would break you. Imagine something simple like having your parents over for dinner. You think everything is going fine until you see Kristen look at your father. What the fuck? Am I the only one seeing this shit? I can’t believe she wants it from my Dad! But then your mom asks everyone if they want a second glass of wine (because this is taking place before we have the intervention and send mom to the Betty Ford clinic so everyone is biting their tongue and trying to keep her under a bottle of wine for the night). Kristen will instinctively look at your mom when answering the question and it will start all over again in your head. WHAT!?! MY MOM!?! Kristen Stewart wants it from my mom!?!

 

This would be an ongoing problem that will never resolve itself. Even if you can learn to meditate and realize that this is just who Kristen Stewart is, she just wants it all the time, it is an indiscriminate want so I shouldn’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean she is going to act on her want, she just wants it. Nevertheless, you’ll have to constantly be checking what is it that she wants and you’ll never be at peace. You’ll never feel comfortable letting each other have alone time because you’ll need to know what is it she is wanting now. Here is a scenario:

INT – HOME – Day

In a quaint suburban home, you are sitting on the couch flipping through the digital cable guide trying to find something to watch. Kristen is in the kitchen getting a glass of water.

You notice that one of the numerous HBO movie channels has Apocalypse Now Redux on.

You: Hey honey, Apocalypse Now Redux is on. We don’t have plans for another 15 hours, right? So I think I’m going to watch it. Do you want to watch it?

Kristen: Don’t wait for me. I really don’t like the Redux. I think the additional scenes only slow the movie to a grinding halt and don’t progress the story line. Especially that half hour of them hanging out with those French people at that plantation house. That is painful to watch. (Kristen Stewart is very wise by the way and the French woman at the plantation house wants it. Not as much as Kristen of course, but she wants it a lot though.)

You: Oh ok.

After a few minutes, a nagging suspicion is in your head that Kristen is in the kitchen wanting it. You can’t shake it from your brain and you can’t focus on the movie.

You: Uh… baby, what are you doing in there?

Kristen: Nothing.

But you know she isn’t doing “nothing”. She is wanting it in there.

You: I’m not going to watch the movie anymore. So can you come back in here?

– Fade to black –

That would be your life. It would be hell. Kristen Stewart’s want is more than one man or woman can handle. Kristen may need to start watching Big Love and get into polygamy like I have.