Fantasy Deathmatch: Megan Fox vs. Kristen Stewart – who wins?
August 31, 2009
Everyone. All of us. The people of the universe. Me. I win the most because I have been going through all the possible scenarios in my head of how this could play out and they are all wonderful. Each begins with Megan and Kristen engaging in a staring contest. At first they slowly walk towards the other until they are so close they can feel each other’s breadth on their face. They share half a minute in silence locked in the other’s eyes. Kristen giggles and Megan bites her lip. Then they kiss. Then I blackout. I wake up somewhere between 5 – 10 blocks from my apartment depending on the weather and time of day. I smell of cotton candy and the song “Little Lies” by Fleetwood Mac is on a constant loop in my head.
Thus far, I have compared Jessica Biel and George Clooney’s want with Kristen Stewart’s in head-to-head battles. Jessica seemed to want it a lot, but there also times where she clearly did not want it all. Jessica also had moments when she herself looked sexy/beautiful, but there was no want in her eyes. George definitely wants it, but he makes a conscious effort in deciding when/where he wants it and how much does he want it. He has flashes of excellent want, but it has no lasting power. I then ventured to the want of split-personalities in Jon Hamm and Don Draper. The fictional character, Don Draper, from Mad Men has similar sensibilities to George Clooney in his ability to want when/where he chooses with an intense power. George can decide not to want it and be goofy or have a laugh or care about Darfur. If Don Draper is not wanting it he usually is confused or brooding. Meanwhile Jon Hamm, the real Don Draper, never wants it. He spends all of his energy wanting it through his alter-ego.
These people are merely shards of a broken mirror of want. They are simply a piece to a puzzle which when correctly arranged is Kristen Stewart’s want looking back at you. They are all fallible creatures of want. They do want it, but no where near as much as Kristen Stewart. There are other creatures of want. There are creatures who are of a completely different genetic make-up of want than that of Kristen Stewart. There is another race of want that has yet to be tackled on KSWI. Prepare to have your effin’ mind blown… again.
Megan Fox does not want it. Megan Fox knows you want it.
That’s right. Megan Fox indeed does not want it. She does not want it in the least bit. All you amateur “wantology” (the study of wanting it) students who are reading this website, well I am an 8th degree black belt doctor of “wantology” (yes, a doctorate as well as martial arts belts are used to signify one’s knowledge in “wantology”). Prepare to be learned about wanting it.
I have spent countless hours looking at photos and video of Megan Fox. Sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night in my bed. Sometimes I’ll bring my wireless laptop into the bathroom and look at Megan Fox pictures. Sometimes I’ll look at Megan Fox pictures on my iphone in an empty office at work. One time I printed out a few photos of Megan Fox and brought them with me on a long car trip. Sometimes I have chaffing because of all this research I do about Megan Fox. See how dedicated I am to the study of wantology. They don’t give these black belts away for nothing. But I digress, it has become 100% apparent to me that Megan Fox’s want abilities work in reverse to Kristen Stewart’s. As we are well aware, Kristen Stewart wants it. She just wants it so bad. But Megan Fox knows you want it. She knows you want it so bad.
Imagine a series of convex lines these will represent Kristen Stewart’s want. Kristen’s want is pushing out of her. It is exploding through her to the outside world. Her want is an external intangible shove to your eyeballs and brain. It is radiating from her like a white light for the rest of the world to see. Now, imagine a series of concave lines these will represent Megan Fox’s want. Megan pulls in want. Like a gravitational force all others’ want is drawn to her and she feeds on it. Megan Fox is a cave where all our want goes to die.
Oh my god. I want it. Megan Fox is hot. She is like pornstar hot, which is the highest level of hotness. She is way too hot. She has that quality of hotness where you start to believe in extra-terrestrials again. I’m not talking about little green men, I’m not talking about hanging out in Drew Barrymore’s closet, I’m not talking about President Bill Pullman, Dr. Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith fighting, I’m not talking about your greatest weakness is water and you still invade a planet ¾ water … I’m talking about being so hot that there is no way you were birthed out of human female’s vagina like the rest of us. That is what Megan Fox’s hotness is. Because of this and because the only guy ever around her is Shia La Beouf, Megan Fox does not want, but instead she knows we want her.
Great Ted Kennedy’s drunken ghost, I want it. Do you remember the movie Spaceballs? Of course you do. Remember Lord Dark Helmet’s ingenious evil creation Mega Maid sucked up all the trees and air of Druidia and Dick Van Patten (King Roland) was sitting there gasping for air as he could feel all of it being extracted from the atmosphere? That’s what it feels like when I look at this picture. I can feel all my want being pulled out of me and when I’m about to collapse a co-worker walks by and I close the window and I can breathe again. Then they’re like “Why are you sweating?” And I’m like “I just find work so exciting sometimes I sweat.” Hmmm… Spaceballs? That was a 22 year old reference if anyone was counting. That reference can legally by alcohol.
Here are Kristen and Megan side-by-side. When I focus on Megan I feel all my motor functions shutting down. I feel like Dementors are draining my soul through my face. That reference is only 5 years old to me because I never read the books. So at 5 that reference can’t legally make any decisions, but has the right to live and make everyone laugh and it should be in school learning about Kristen Stewart wanting it. When I shift my focus to Kristen Stewart I feel like I was handed a respirator on top of Mt. Everest. The air was so thin a second ago, now I can fill my lungs again. Kristen Stewart’s want warms me and all of our souls like an electronic blanket. And like an electronic blanket her want can be so warm that occasional that want blanket will burst into flames and burn us. Handle Kristen Stewart’s want carefully.
Can’t you see Megan’s soulless eyes feeding on your existence? Can’t you see Kristen’s giving eyes manually pumping your heart for you? They are inverse fractions of one another. Kristen endlessly gives her want to all where as Megan endlessly wants to take it. It is just their nature. We cannot fault Megan for stealing your want like the sensual succubus that she is, just as we cannot fault Kristen for her inability to stop wanting it which can cause problems of their own like minor burns, loss of vision, abandoning of temporal duties et cetera.
Theoretically, who wins? Kristen Stewart. Megan Fox’s want is a black hole that will destroy planets, but at some point that black hole’s reach will end. There is a limit to where a black hole can pull objects and that is the same for Megan Fox. Kristen Stewart’s want is the infinite. Kristen Stewart’s want has no limits, can not be measured, and never ceases. Kristen Stewart’s want takes a dump on David Hilbert and his space.
In conclusion, Kristen Stewart is a gushing volcano of want. She is erupting so violently of want that her want destroys tectonic plates and no one is safe anywhere near her. Only French couples in red knit caps dare stand near Kristen Stewart’s caldera and one day are caught in an unexpected lava flow that seals their everlasting reckless lives away forever (if anyone gets that reference then congrats). Kristen Stewart is a supervolcano blowing ash and lava want into the air thus affecting the global climate. Megan Fox is supernova-ed neutron star that has collapsed in on itself creating a vacuum that even light cannot escape. Megan Fox knows you want it so bad she sucks all your want in like a universe destroying black hole.
Which can be re-written as: Kristen Stewart blows and Megan Fox sucks.
You know, just for mathematical purposes.
We all want it.