September 22, 2009
What is the one thing that a rich, famous and good looking person needs? Meaningless awards! Actually, most of the people I’m about to mention didn’t win an award. I guess the real answer is the rich, famous and good looking will take any reason to get dressed in thousand dollar clothes that they didn’t pay for and get their picture taken a million times and then get blitzed with each other. I can’t really fault them for that. I take about any opportunity to get dressed in fifty dollar clothes that I did pay for, avoid any flash photography and get blitzed with the same people I’ve been getting blitzed with for the past eight years.
What does this all mean? We’re drunks. Besides that, the 2009 Primetime Emmy Awards were on CBS a couple nights ago. Did I watch it? Fuck no. I was watching the New York Giants vs. the Dallas Cowboys, the season premiere of Curb Your Enthusiasm, the series premiere of Bored to Death and a new episode of Mad Men. Did I spend a good chunk of time staring at Blake Lively’s red dress cleavage yesterday at work? Fuck yes. So I’m going to write about the Emmys. This world works in mysterious ways.
I found a gallery of post-Emmy party pictures taken by Life. I’m going to put my amateur psychological doctorate and my blackbelt doctorate in Wantology to good use by analyzing these pictures. Gimme da’ funnee.
Wham! Bam! Thank you… you lovely young woman who I respect for your intelligence and not just the drool inducing plunging neck line which is closer to a navel line it is so low. Holy eff. Have you seen the other one million pictures of Blake Lively in that dress? They are glorious. Glorious in like watching those German teenagers taking pick axes to the Berlin Wall. In a Ronald Reagan senility infused drawl, “Ms. Lively tear off that dress.” How many sexy jokes have you read about this dress? How many of them referenced the collapse of communism in that joke? Or Ronald Reagan’s second Presidential term?
Two things stick out to me in this picture (minus the gloriousness already mentioned): #1. Blake Lively does not want it. She knows that she is making you want it, but her own want is up in there. She isn’t a blackhole like Megan Fox. There is no maliciousness in her making you want. Blake knows that her dressing like this can warm the hearts and pants of the citizens of the world (or at least the straight guy ones and the at least semi-gay girl ones). Her nudity can provide unity.
#2 Leighton Meester is in the picture. Yeah? It took me awhile too, but she is there. Leighton is very attractive as well, but if she wanted to get any attention in this picture she may have needed to just strip to a thong because everyone is just staring at Blake Lively’s ti… chest.
Jane Krakowski is a smart woman. Smart human being. A) she boxed out Blake Lively’s boo… dress and B) she is doing a Floyd Mayweather Jr. shoulder roll to block Blake even further. Smart moves Jane.
There is no way you can look at this and not immediately imagine them doing it. I’m not sure if most know that they are together, but whether you do or don’t you immediately think “so what would that look like?” They are both saying a lot in this picture. Like they won’t shut up that is how much they are saying. Elizabeth Moss definitely wants it. Also, is it just me or does Elizabeth Moss get a little sexier every time you see her? Not like Superman jumping over tall buildings leaps and bounds, but her wanting it is inching my attraction to her along short and steady. I picture her as being aggressive and wearing the pants between these two.
EM – Yeah, I want it. When you started watching Mad Men you probably couldn’t care less when I appeared on screen. Now you almost can’t get enough of me and how much I want it. And yeah, I fuck Fred Armisen. Yeah, think about it. Let that image massage into your brain. Yeah, it’s crazy. I want it from Fred Armisen from SNL and I GET IT!
FA (nodding along) – Uh huh, yep, uh huh, yep, uh huh, yep.
I don’t know if Michael Emerson and Aaron Paul are a gay couple, but they look like a great gay couple. Honestly, they should just try it out. Michael has that literary professor sensibility. His first couple of novels were great, but he has hit a wall in his writing. He self medicates with wine and pot and teaches at the nearest acclaimed private university. His trophy “partner” is Aaron Paul. They met several years ago at a party in celebration for Michael’s second novel being on the New York Times best seller list. Aaron is fun, charismatic and is actually quite bright, but he gets by on his looks so he hasn’t worked a day in his life. He spends most mornings sleeping in and then the afternoon doing laps in the pool. Aaron provides the looks and flattery to Michael’s precious naturally low self-esteem. Michael provides the fatherly structure and financial security that Aaron needs.
I think it will work. That is until Aaron gets too fucked up at a party and cheats on Michael. This will lead to a messy break-up…..
She’s drunk. She doesn’t want it. She’s just drunk. All the time. I think Jerry Ferrara keeps Jaime Lynn drunk all the time. Or maybe she keeps herself drunk all the time. Either way, there is no other way to explain what is happening in this picture without an IV drip of 80 proof Vodka jammed into Jamie’s arm. As for Jerry, he is saying “you know it.”
Ugh. I might as well get the other Entourage guys out of the way. I’ve never once thought about what Kevin Connolly looks like with a full beard and up until this moment that was an excellent decision. He looks like such a creep with the beard. I think he is pretty creepy usually, but when he is clean shaven he has that “maybe I’m still in my 20’s maybe I’m 55 and have some weird disease that makes me look young” style. It isn’t a bad beard either. Keanu Reeves has a bad beard. It is just thick patches of hair as if the others fell out from chemo. It isn’t like that. It’s a nice beard that just makes Kevin Connolly look like a complete creep.
Drunk. I’m right about this Kristen Stewart wanting it thing. I’m right about this. Do you remember the Oscar winning picture Love Potion No. 9 with Tate Donavan and Sandra Bullock? Of course you do. Remember the evil ex-boyfriend, Gary, figured out about potion #8 and its time constraints. So he used to call Sandra once every four hours to make sure she was always under his spell. Good plan. That’s what is happening here! They’re just keeping Jaime drunk so she’ll never realize she’s with Turtle. Eh, who cares?
Emmanuelle Chriqui is hotter than her name is hard to pronounce on the first 15 tries. She should just legally change her name to “You’re So Hot” and it would be a lot easier on everyone. It kind of has a Korean ring to it. You-reh Tso Hot-toh. She’s so hot inanimate objects think she’s hot. My stapler has a boner.
From left to right:
Lindsay Price – I want it. I also would like a successful television series. Nonetheless, I want it. I want it bad.
Josh Radnor – Yep. You know it. You can’t believe it, but this world is nuts and yeah she is with me and she wants it. This world is so crazy. The US has a black president, Chuck Liddell is on Dancing with the Stars and this chick wants it… from me. I love CBS!
Alexis Denisof – We are just going to remain in dead lock eye contact. I really want to look over at Lindsay because she wants it so bad, but I can’t. Got the wife over here to my left. So I’ll just keep smiling and staring at you until hopefully everyone just walks away. While you’re here, do you remember me? I was on Buffy and then Angel. Good shows right? I had the British accent. There were like 100 episodes of Angel. It was pretty popular. Please just say you remember me even if you don’t.
Alyson Hannigan – Lindsay wanting it this badly is weirding me out and if my husband who has a girl’s name even looks at her for a second I will cut his balls off and wear them as a necklace.
Brown Bunny. I’m just saying what we are all thinking. Or the “all” that know what I’m talking about and subjected yourself to watching that garbage movie so you could see the last ten minutes. Either way, Jason Segel knows what I’m talking about. And Chloe Sevigny definitely knows what I’m talking about. Chloe wants it. Chloe is a great actress and has had quite a career of wanting it as well. She’s been wanting it since Kids; that was 14 years ago! Christ I feel old. Jason Segel wants it from Chloe Sevigny and he knows he is going to get it.
I feel like that has been a common thread with these guys. They don’t necessarily “want it”, they just “know it”. They are letting you know that they know that you know that they know they’re going to get it from these very very attractive significant others who are way too good looking for them to normally get if they weren’t wildly successful or at least on wildly successful shows. It is a lot of “I’m not going to say anything. I’m not going to brag. I’m just going to play it cool. But I’m going to let you know with my eye balls that I know. Oh, I know. And you know it too. We know it together. And she wants it.”
Boom. Winner. Seal won. He won. There is no other way to put it than he won. Life is a game and he won it. He won it by a huge margin too. He won it like one of those college football scores 91 – 3. That field goal that life got on Seal is those crazy scars that people love to talk about and for whatever reason can’t come to a conclusion on their origin. I’ve heard everything from acid attacks to tragic Backdraft-esque childhood house fire. It’s lupus, but I’ve heard some wild stories from people claiming to be Seal experts. But who cares, he peed on life. The game started and Life got a 25 yard chip shot field goal and then ever since it has been 91 unanswered points scored by Seal.
I’ve been having trouble starting this paragraph with subtlety, so fuck it: Heidi Klum and “Kiss from a Rose”. Second first and then first second.
HE WROTE “KISS FROM A ROSE”!
Arguably the greatest love song of all time. On top of that he wrote some other jams, but come on, “Kiss from a Rose”. You sing that song when you hear it. You sing it! It’s like “Killing Them Softly”. If you find yourself out in the world and those songs start to play you sing them. You start off a little low just kind of above a hum. Depending on where the song is coming from you will eventually be belting that song out.
Realistically if the song is playing in a passing car you don’t chase down that car to keep the song going on in your life. Instead you hear the song pass, you think upon its brilliance and the love that it generates in all of us and with it now gone you feel sad and lonely again…. But just knowing that there is a chance you could hear it again at some point in your life makes you smile. That had a happy ending. Also you always sing “Stay”. Just because I can growl all of Hatebreed’s songs doesn’t mean I can’t lay out Lisa Loeb’s “Stay” as well. What was I talking about?
Seal! He won. Heidi MF-ing Klum! Heidi wants it in this picture. She’s X many months pregnant and she knows she is still the hottest woman at that event. In her German accent she’s thinking “Those other bitches ain’t got shit on me. I’m still sexy.” That doesn’t sound German at all. But she’s correct. Seal is procreating with Heidi Klum. That is an automatic life win in my book. I can’t think up enough adjectives for how gorgeous Heidi Klum is so I’ll just sit and stare for awhile.
Needless to say these people don’t want it like Kristen Stewart. She isn’t on a TV show, but she should be at this event regardless. She should just stand at the end of the red carpet and each one must face off “wanting it” one-on-one for about 10 seconds at a time. She would put these people in their places. Some would be injured; some would be scarred for life. Only the strong would survive.
I have a lot more Emmy pictures, but this has been a lot. Do you want me to do another one of these?
September 21, 2009
I do not want it today.
Not that I am ever some great beacon of wanting it any other day, but today I do not want it. At my peak of wanting it, I’m probably at best an ant to Kristen Stewart’s Mt. Kilimanjaro. A bright shining ant though. One of those overachieving ants that carries double their body weight. One of those ants you see valiantly picking up a lone Cheeto that missed the garbage can. All by myself, I’m wanting it so bad I can carry a preposterously large crunchy cheese snack in comparison to my tiny frail sleek black frame. Carrying an air puffed tasty morsel of food that is so large for my meager ant like body and mouth that my tiny ant life will end well before I get a chance to finish this food. I will not even consume half of this gigantic cheddar vending machine delicacy before I am regretfully murdered by a gust of wind, an arrant shoe, or a sadistic Hitler child with a magnifying glass.
That is on my best day. And, today I feel like shit. I could blame my horrible hangover that I suffered through all day yesterday. I could blame my lack of sleep from Friday, Saturday and, even, Sunday night. I could blame the terrorists for all the pain they have caused and that some how leads back to me and feeling like shit today. Because seriously, aren’t they to blame for everything? Or I could tell the truth that watching Jeff Reed miss those field goals in yesterday’s Steelers/Bears game was about as entertaining as someone cutting off my legs with a box of razorblades.
Per usual, it was the Steelers who beat themselves in that game. Obviously, if Jeff Reed made the field goals it would have been a different outcome, but there were a lot of dropped passes that should have been caught as well. I do not handle watching the Steelers lose well and it reminds me of this quote (which is vaguely attributed to about anyone), “Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser.” So….
“KSWI Links” – there is a new tab next to “Who is Kristen Stewart?” Obviously, it is a work in progress. I put it up this morning just to give me the push to fix it throughout the week. If you want your web page linked in there then a few things need to happen:
1. You need to tell me. I’m not a mind reader, yet. I would prefer if you emailed me the link and a banner or whatever you want me to use. I do read the comments section, but it will certainly stick out more in my memory if it is in my email box.
2. Link this page on your site. Seems like a fair trade, right? I have no banner although if someone wanted to make one for me then that would be A-OK. I don’t know if any of you have noticed because my elite MS-Paint skills are impressive, but I don’t have Photoshop on this computer. This computer being my work computer that doesn’t have a sound card. Shocking, right? I’m not saying it would make sense for me to have Photoshop on my company issued work computer, but it would really help making those funny pictures on this site. Like I was going to make a picture of Kristen Stewart looking like she was in The Matrix, which I could easily do in Photoshop, but it didn’t come out all that great in MS-Paint.
3. Bikini pictures. It hasn’t been mentioned in awhile, but bikini pictures would really expedite this whole process. Bikini pictures are KSWI legal tender.
Because of my sleepless depressed fog I am in now, I had a hard time figuring out what this post should be about. I have a list of topics I want to cover on this site, but I don’t really have the motivation to do most of them. One idea I was messing around with from 9:23 to 9:45 this morning was “Kristen Stewart wants IT via ‘word of the day’”. I found a “word of the day” website. I searched in Google images “Kristen Stewart ________” and the _______ was the word of the day. There were some interesting results. I can’t remember exactly what word it was maybe “farrago”, a confused mixture, but I found a Kristen Stewart site that had these pictures of Kristen Stewart in an Italian magazine from a few years ago and the pictures are stupid.
I could have said “ridiculous”, “insane”, “wild”, “odd”, but none of those words really conveys how stupid these pictures are. I could have searched the “word of the day” website, but I don’t think they would have a word that really expresses what I feel looking at these pictures. I think the best word to explain how stupid these pictures are would simply be the word “stupid”. I want you to be prepared to look at the pictures, crinkle up your nose and narrow your eyes as if you smelled week old tuna and say to yourself “those pictures were stupid”.
Stupid, right? They get worse trust me. They get stupider. So we have Kristen Stewart, wanting it, and a guy who may or may not be what Casey Affleck would like as a crystal meth addict. Even though the wind is blowing in Kristen and that vagrant’s face, you can still see that she wants it. I’m not sure what the photographer is trying to convey with this image. I could repeat that sentence in each of these blurbs. Kristen seems to be wearing numerous jackets and he has no jackets. With all that wind it is probably cold. He should try to barter with Kristen for one of those jackets. Maybe she’ll take his hat that has 4 foot ribbons attached it.
Did that surprise you? It sure as shit surprised me. Kristen is seemingly being held hostage, being mugged, or being arrested by a plain clothes cop whose undercover alter ego is of a crystal meth head. So right now the only theme we have is that Kristen is hanging out way too much with guys who are addicted to hardcore drugs. Also using some detective work and a 2nd grade reading level education, I can see that the train (why are they by trains?) says “MTA Long Island Rail Road” on it. This may come as a shock, but MTA trains do not run to Italy. They generally just run in/around New York City and Long Island, not Europe. So what the hell is going on?
This farrago of imagery is really freaking me out. Let me get this out of the way, Kristen Stewart wants it bad in this picture. Real bad. She is for whatever reason dressed similarly to a homeless person. She is in the typical homeless person layered fashion. It’s like homeless-chic or “Derelicte”-lite. She isn’t rolling around in the trash homeless, not yet. She is whimsically homeless. She has decided to take a year off from her undergrad to travel the country as a hobo. Also I have no clue what “Little Sister” is referring to, but it is creepy.
This is one of those days where I wish my site wasn’t just a long scroll, but was a page-by-page. I wish you could have the same shock I have when I click “next” on my picture viewer window and each new stupid photo pops up. I could never guess what in the hell is coming next. The heroine-junkie Casey Affleck is back. He is much more appropriately dressed than last time. Kristen Stewart, of course, wants it. And those are two golden retrievers for no apparent reason. This picture reminds me of terrible art school short films. The type of movies suburban kids make when they’ve seen two 60’s French films and now want to express themselves through metaphors in shitty black and white.
*Sad violins playing in the background*
KS – We must go. The water that lay ahead of us symbolizes our fate together. We are deep and vast and blue. We must go.
DACAI (Drug Addict Casey Affleck Imposter) – But no. I cannot leave these dogs. They symbolize my pain. My pain is trapped on the rocks. My pain is covered in hair. My pain is panting. My pain is these dogs.
KS – Why? Oh why, Jean Claude? We need to disappear into the water. Your pain can stay on the rocks while we float to your happiness.
DACAI – You mean the boat dock over there? My happiness is the boat dock?
KS – Yes my love.
I guess this is reasonable. If you had a car with no roof and it was raining to use an umbrella instead. But this just so stupid. Could you imagine you were approached to be in a photoshoot and these were the ideas they were presenting you? Ok, so that’s a VW bug with no roof, jacked up tires, and a creep with an umbrella? Kristen Stewart still wants it, but she has to be considering firing her agent after this.
Is there no budget at all? Was Kristen Stewart just stumbling around with some idiot photographer and a couple of malnourished guys? And these pictures were published!?!
Homeless-chic winter edition. I can’t wrap my brain around why they would need Kristen Stewart for any of these pictures. They are so stupid. What would be the point of involving a burgeoning young celebrity in these pictures? I’ve got a picture idea – how about we take off all of our clothes, make Kristen put them all on and then take a picture of it. Brilliant. And she wants it.
I don’t think I would know that was Kristen Stewart if someone didn’t tell me. I first thought this might have to do with Twilight because of the apple, but I think these pictures came out before Twilight. Either it is a Twilight reference or these creeps are just taking pictures of Kristen eating an apple or really holding an apple to her face. I would enjoy an entire gallery of Kristen Stewart eating apples. Just watching her make her way through a big bag of apples. It would be typical Kristen Stewart wanting it, but at the same time I would feel comforted knowing that she is having a nutritious snack.
Eating ice cream, eating apples. From start to finish though. I would like to see the before pictures of Kristen or really any celebrity with a ton of food and then pictures of them making their way through the food and finally the end result of a bloated belly and a satisfied smile. I just think it would be funny.
Might as well not even have Kristen Stewart in this picture at all. I can only venture to guess she wants it here because you can’t even tell it’s her. But she does want it. We know that already so I don’t need to guess.
Oh thank God, we’re back at the train. Kristen has apparently eluded her mugger for the moment and is now running away from him. They try to teach you not to look back when you are running because you naturally slow down, but it is doubly hard for Kristen because she wants it all the time from everything. Her head is constantly on a swivel. Focus Kristen! Run! He can’t have too much stamina from living the destitute life of a drug addict. He is bound to run out of breath before her. Although she could easily trip and fall especially with all this looking back nonsense. Eye on the prize, Kristen! Eyes forward and run!
I think this is a classic case of “Stockholm syndrome”. Kristen has fallen in love with her captor and now is chasing after him. So there wasn’t much of a storyline in these pictures, but the plot around the meth-head, Kristen and the trains has a happy ending. “Please come back crazy anorexic looking homeless junkie. I want it!”
I’m not sure who to blame more with these pictures. The pictures were clearly taken in the US. But they were published in an Italian magazine. Were they by an Italian photographers? Did that magazine pay for airfare for an Italian photographer to go to the United States to take these pictures? Or was this outsourced to an American photographer? Who is more to blame for the stupidity? The magazine that paid for this to be done and subsequently published the pictures? Or the maybe Italian, maybe American photographer who actually took the pictures?
In my opinion, they are equally stupid and have equally helped in the release of this stupidity on the world. And then I am to blame for helping their stupid journey continue now into your lives. I am sorry if viewing this stupidity has caused you to become more stupid. This was not my goal. If this does not harm your current intelligence level and make you stupid, hopefully it will better prepare yourself at recognizing stupidity the next time you see it. Jeff Reed is stupid. I am stupid.
September 18, 2009
No time for an intro today. I have too many questions/comments to answer to wax on about how funny Community’s pilot was last night and how I laughed for a solid ten minutes at the line “ass burgers”. Let the post begin.
Tom Brady of the New England Patriots writes – “I will be writing this email for both myself and Gisele. We are both big fans of the blog. Actually, Gisele is such a fan she shouts your name out when we have first trimester pregnant sex. Nevertheless, Gisele and I saw your quip about women being bad drivers. Was that for serious? Please explain.”
I saw this brought up a lot in the comments section. And I have one thing to say about this: quit being a bunch of vaginas and realize it was a joke. Jeez! I mean you are all perfectly comfortable with the idea that I believe a woman’s digestive system breaks down food so efficiently that the waste is just a toxic liquid that is filtered back into the blood stream where there is a chance it could eat away at the brain. You’re comfortable with that? But you are not comfortable with me thinking women are bad drivers? Where is the line ladies!?!
These are all jokes. Are people having a hard time understanding that? The first 800 words or so was about me pooping. That story was 100% true, nevertheless it was about poop. This is all supposed to be funny. The word itself is funny: “poop”. It is fun to say. It is a palindrome, it has the double O “oo” sound in it and it is referring to fecal matter.
But as far as driving goes, you ladies are bad drivers. If there were men reading this blog then they are bad drivers too. We’re all bad drivers. Statistically I guess we’re all great drivers, but you know that if it wasn’t for sheer insane luck you would have caused millions of deaths by now while driving. I haven’t hurt anyone driving and I’m statistically a great driver because of that, but I text, I talk on the phone, I’ve emailed and sometimes I am screaming along so loudly/passionately with Eric Burton and the Animals’ song “House of the Rising Sun” that I’m definitely not paying attention to the road anymore.
So relax. We’re all joking around here. I’m saying cliché blanket generalizations about women and you’re saying that you would fuck me. Jokes.
Jeremy Shockey of the New Orleans Saints writes – “I’m not what you call an avid reader. I get drunk at the clubs and hit on chicks at the clubs. I went to ‘Da U and none of us are known for our ‘reading skills’. It actually isn’t even a prerequisite to know how to read if you are playing football for the ‘Canes. Nevertheless, I read this blog. I love this blog. My question, what do your wrist tattoos say?”
Thank you Jeremy for the kind words. I saw way too many comments demanding wrist tattoo pictures. Not only demanding, but pissed off I hadn’t put up pictures the second the demand was made. I post one time a day and it is 2000 MF-ING WORDS OF GOLD SO GET OFF MY BACK! Plus when did I even mention I have wrist tattoos? Tuesday? Give me a second. I’m sorry I was a little tied up in writing about Sigmund Freud and Kristen Stewart and making it hysterical. I’m spinning straw into gold here. I’m making the impossible possible. Sorry I didn’t iphone you a picture of it already. Sheesh.
My right wrist reads “strength” and my left wrist reads “loyalty”.
T.J. Houshmandzadeh of the Seattle Seahawks writes – “I sincerely laugh until I pee every day from reading your blog. My name is spelled funny. Why do you spell “breath” as “breadth”?
Thanks T.J. I am a good speller. I am a gooder spellerer than most. I have spelled “breath” as “breadth” because I feel like it and I was willing to bet most would not notice. I write the way I want it to sound. So in my head when I’m emphasizing the word “breath” I’ll throw the “d” in there. I know it is improper, but I can use the English language anyway I feel like. It is a very flexible language. People simply make up words and phrases all the time. I’ll stop using “breadth” now because people are pointing it out. Way to ruin the fun for everyone. Do you “spell check” Shakespeare? Bunch of killjoys.
Do I have to say just kidding so you won’t go all psycho and think I’m mad?
David Akers of the Philadelphia Eagles writes – “As a kicker, I have a ton of free time. Thankfully your blog has filled that time hole in my life as well as the hole in my heart where my love usually drains out. What is up with your blog time? I thought you were in New Jersey?
David, ice cream can fill that hole in your heart as long as you workout on a regular basis to burn off all the obscene amount of calories eating a ton of ice cream will get you. I just think people should eat more ice cream. I never said get diabetes. Anyway, this simple answer is that I never programmed the clock on my blog. I most likely never will. I live in New Jersey. EST motherfuckers!
Greg Jennings of the Green Bay Packers writes – “My two loves in life are this blog and scoring 60 yard touchdowns. Nothing else compares. Are you a 6 foot tall Zach Galifianakis that over shadows your roommate Brew Dawgz?”
Thank you for the lovely words Greg. But make no mistake: no one over shadows Brew Dawgz. No one. If you only knew. And Dawgz and Brew Dawgz are in fact the same. Dunh… DunH… DUNH!
I’m clean shave for the most part nowadays nonetheless I have nowhere near the beard that Zach has. Not many do. He has a mountain man’s beard. Actually, he has 10 mountain men’s beards. I do have similar “coloring” as him. He is successful and I am not. So there is a big difference there. Like he is in movies. I have a free blog. Not the same. I’m a big fan of his and have seen him do stand-up. He is very funny, The Hangover was very funny and I’m glad he is being cast in more movies.
Mike Bell of the New Orleans Saints writes – “I don’t want to spread rumors, but Reggie Bush told me that Kim Kardashian left him because she loves your blog that much. Have you seen those shopping bags with ‘Want it’ on them?”
Mike I have not seen those bags. Next time you see one take a picture and send it to me. Also when and where and how many animals do I have to sacrifice to get Kim Kardashian? Because I will do it. Twice.
Antwaan Randle-El of the Washington Redskins writes – “No one is funnier than you anywhere. Are you Jewish? Jews are funny. So I’m guessing you’re Jewish.”
I am Jewish with a capital “J” because I’m over six feet tall. I also eat at least one bacon cheeseburger a week with my tattooed arms. So I’m not exactly a religious type. I wish religion was more like AA (not that I’ve been to AA, but I know about it – I read, I watch TV). Religion should provide support when in grief and make you feel like you have a place in this world even if everything is crumbling around you. You can always be forgiven. I don’t think religion should give you answers about topical debates or who you should vote for. The irony is that I don’t think religion should be in AA though. I wish religion was more like AA and I wish AA was less religious.
Things are getting serious… Kristen Stewart wants it so badly I feel two gravitational pulls on this Earth: one keeping my feet to the ground and the other one keeping me slightly leaning in her direction. I’m leaning a little west right now.
Michael Bush of the Oakland Raiders writes – “In the Raiders locker room, we all sit around and share our favorite KSWI moments at the beginning of each practice. You should see how much we laugh and smile. Jamarcus Russell laughs a kingly laugh all morning. Are there mathematical equations for philosophical problems?”
Michael that is an interesting question. I saw someone mention this in response to the id, ego and super ego post. I took almost an entire semester on this idea in college: whether or not analytical philosophy could be represented in mathematical terms. Sounds riveting, right? The golden boy of modern analytical philosophy, Ludwig Wittgenstein, didn’t think so. He wrote about this a lot as well as “tame tigers” and he came to the conclusion you couldn’t. It does seem plausible though. When reading analytical philosophy it comes across as very mathematical. I think most people would assume you could. Wittgenstein was never satisfied that you could. He is arguably the best so I’ll go with the answer that you can’t even though it really feels like you might be able to. Math is flexible, but I don’t know if it is flexible enough to completely handle the transition from abstract thought to rigid numbers.
And you better listen to Ludwig because he may stab you with a fireplace poker. Ahahahahahah… philosophy jokes! So good.
London Fletcher of the Washington Redskins writes – “When I’m murdering guys on the field I’m usually thinking about murdering guys on the field. I just love hearing them squeal in pain. I have a lot of anger in me for never being recognized as the great football player that I am. Either way, nowadays the anger has subsided because of your blog and the laughter it causes me. I have a dream to one day see all the smiling and happy faces that your blog has made. So could you post a map of where those people are so I can visit them?”
London, you’ll always be an All-Pro in my heart. I am not great with the website making. The technical side. I am pretty good at nonsensical writing that can be seen as humorous. But I suck at coding. You may have noticed I stay away from all coding on this site. I just write. I’ll take a shot at this world map thing. Hopefully it works. If it doesn’t then… I’ll never be able to fix it. I’m not going to read a book on HTML.
Also if this is an elaborate way to figure out where I am. It probably would have been easiest to email me and ask. But kudos anyway.
Mark Sanchez of the New York Jets writes – “I love your blog almost as much as I loved nailing insanely hot blonde California girls at USC. I can’t bring all the USC girls with me everywhere, but thankfully I can bring your blog everywhere. When I’m nailing hot chicks in New York City this year and every other year I play for the Jets, I hope your blog will still be running. In between my orgy sex sessions with multiple women who wouldn’t give you the time of day, I will catch my “breadth” by reading your blog. It will make me smile and laugh and ready for another round of sweat and dirty sex with gorgeous young chicks. Oh, right my question, do you think Jennifer’s Body is going to good? I kind of want to see it. Also I’m pretty sure I could do Megan Fox whenever so I was curious.”
That was poetic, Mark. Will Jennifer’s Body be good? Eh, I don’t know. It really depends on what you consider “good”. I think it will be entertaining. I read the script and it was an entertaining script. Megan Fox should be a perfect fit for that role. The character of Jennifer is supposed to be hot, soulless, a bitch, hot, evil and young and hot. So I think that fits. She’s a terrible actress most likely, but the character itself shouldn’t be much of a stretch for her. The script had some funny moments in it and was more fun than horror. The recent commercials are making it seem like more horror than fun. All in all, it is very similar to Juno humor wise, but a lot more murders. So if you like Juno and can stand some R-rated sexuality and gore then you should be fine.
What I do want to mention is that Kristen Stewart would have been perfect for the main character role “Needy”. Amanda Seyfried plays the main character. I like her and she is hot. But the script’s description of “Needy” is perfect for Kristen. She is supposed to be a high school student, skinny, flat-chested, kind of a social outcast and she is supposed to want Megan Fox throughout the entire movie. Kristen may have been busy with her other movies and she may even have been asked to audition. I don’t know. But she would have been a great choice. I like Amanda and she’ll do a good job as “Needy” nonetheless. Glaring difference though between the description of “Needy” and Amanda: boobs. I guess they’re going to have to rewrite those scenes where they joke about “Needy” having no boobs because Amanda… damn. Also Amanda’s want obviously is nothing in comparison to Kristen’s. Remember what site you’re on?
The entire defense and special teams of the Pittsburgh Steelers writes – “We love you. You love us. We have all been wondering, does Kristen Stewart want IT because she doesn’t have it or does she want IT because she has IT and, therefore, keeps wanting IT?”
I love you guys. I love you like family. I love you like the mostly black family I always wished I had growing up. I hope you kill the Chicago Bears this week. That sounds harsh, but, realistically, if the only way you can win the football game is by murdering all the other players on the opposing team then that would be fine. I just want you to win.
As for your question, I don’t know. Why Kristen Stewart wants IT as much as she does or where it comes from is all purely theoretical. I have only been able to answer up until this point that she is the finest example of “wanting it” there is in this world and that her want is never ending. She just wants it. Kristen Stewart just wants it. I fear that knowing anymore about the contents inside Pandora’s box may destroy all of existence. Just bathe in her want and be warmed by it.
If you were wondering, this has been my starting fantasy football team for this weekend checking-in with these questions/comments. My team name is Bear Jews. And, the two random pictures were random pictures I took with my iphone.
Have a good weekend. Happy New Year to any fellows Jews. Happy New Year to any fellow non-Jews. Why not? I’ll see you all next week.
September 17, 2009
I have been debating whether or not I should write about this. But I have been taught you need to have an attention grabbing opening when you write. So here it is:
A guy may or may not have just seen my penis.
I know, right? You want attention grabbing, that’s attention grabbing. I think all my teachers would be very proud.
True story. I ate my breakfast at my desk with a cup of coffee. After an hour or so, that mixture gets a brewin’. In my tummy. If you catch my drift. I had to poop. So, I take a stroll over to the bathroom. It was empty. Like all sensible people I head straight for the handicap stall, so I can stretch out. You’re like a king in there. Handicap my ass. They should call that the “luxury stall”. I haven’t seen a legitimate handicap person ever at my job so I’m not worried about stealing their stall. And by “legitimate”, I mean someone who isn’t on crutches just because they are a klutz or were drunk.
Everything was going perfectly fine until some guy entered the bathroom. This is where the blind architects who built designed the bathroom stalls and/or the blind carpenters who put the stalls together really fucked me over. For whatever reason, the gap between the stall door and the stall wall where the door opens is a good half inch. It gets better. That half inch is directly in line with the middle of the toilet. En otras palabras, there is a huge peephole that runs the entire length of the door in perfect position to stare at whoever is on the toilet.
I am sure that the ladies can relate to this scenario. The door peephole and sitting down part in a stall, but not the pooping, of course. I didn’t necessarily ace my health classes in school, but I do remember that girls don’t poop. That’s just crazy talk to think that they do. I think I remember seeing a video about how ladies breakdown their food much greater than men do and there is less “waste”. The waste is actually a very potent and toxic liquid though. Instead of evacuating the body it actually is filtered back into the blood stream. Sadly, it can reach the brain and in some cases it eats away at certain aspects of the brain. Most notably it attacks where certain knowledge is stored like how to drive properly, how to throw a ball, how to make calm rational decisions, how to not watch American Idol.
So I’m sitting there with my pants and boxer briefs around my ankles. My tie is over my shoulder. I hear him walking towards me. The anticipation is killing me. I’m sitting perfectly still nearly holding my “breadth”. It’s almost like I’m hiding at this point. Jason or Michael Myers (killer and/or comedian would work) is walking towards me. I can hear his footsteps. They are getting closer. Is he going to stop at the urinal? No. Is he going to stop at the able-body stall? No. Is he going to- I can see his shadow. I can see his foot under the door! I fling my tie from over my shoulder to cover my *ahem* situation. And he steps in front of the door and sees me for a second!
And then darts away as if it didn’t happen. He does a 180. Walks back to the sink. Washes his hands as if that is why he came in or to wash the intangible dirtiness he now feels for peeping on another man pooping. And then leaves. I don’t know how much he saw if any, but it did happen though. I didn’t get a look at which co-worker it was. I wonder if he will be able to get any work done for the rest of the day knowing what transpired in that “men’s room”. So, if you see a blog at any point today, most likely written by a middle-aged man who may or may not have seen his co-worker’s junk then maybe you could grill him for more details about who I am.
So, Twilight: New Moon came out with a new trailer this week (that is one hell of a segue). I wrote about some of it yesterday. Apparently, I was “wrong” about what is happening in the trailer. Seriously? Who cares? There are tons of Twilight sites that talk about what is “really” happening in the trailer. I am the only one presenting it in a totally unique light. It’s like having Beethoven explain music to you. He couldn’t hear the music, but he knew music. Imagine you were hanging out with Beethoven listening to Britney Spears or whatever girls listen to. He may not get all the lyrics of “If U Seek Amy” right, but he would know that you should be smart enough not to listen to that garbage recreationally. Zing! Burn sauce!
That’s not fair. That was a low blow. It isn’t your fault that the poisonous waste by product that floats through your blood stream may or may not attack the part of your brain the delineates between “good music you should choose to listen to” and “music you should only listen to if you are getting ‘crunk’ in the club and have no ability to change it.”
Have you noticed that Kristen Stewart wants it in the new New Moon trailer? Because she does. All over it. But there is so much other stuff happening in the trailer. I spent a good portion of yesterday’s post (the non-Shaq related portion) talking about not only how Kristen Stewart wants it in the trailer, but the different psychological facets of her wanting it. Every time she appears on screen it is like I’m being baptized by her want. I’m being born anew.
Seriously!?! Stop wanting it so bad! “Vampires have laws?” Yeah, I watched the trailer on my home computer that does in fact have a sound card. “Vampires have laws?” Why in God’s name would you want it so bad saying that sentence!?! Try saying it out loud to yourself. “Vampires have laws?” When I say it I’m curious, I’m interested. I don’t sound like I want it. It’s subtle. “Vampires have laws?” I said it in a British accent that time. It was slightly sing-songy and it was sort of high pitched. But I didn’t want it. “Vampires have laws?” Southern accent that time. My inquiring mind was child-like in its innocence. It is also the same Southern accent I use when I’m pretending I’m a young Brett Favre and sound nothing like him. It sounds like I’m a comical side character in a Sergio Leone Western. I’m excitable, not book learned and a natural optimist.
But I skipped something…
What in the MF-ing F F-ing MF F-ing S is this? Dakota Fanning? This movie franchise got a whole lot better. I was going to say “sexier” to creep everyone out and then I wrote “better” and then I wrote this sentence. She’s 15. Wow, she is eternally young. I just looked up how old she is on IMDB. I was expecting she was older. It seems like these child stars have an X-Men like ability to jump ages. The Olsen twins are 23(!). That is nuts. Shouldn’t they be… I don’t know… 10? Aren’t they 10? I might be wrong, but I thought they just crossed the double digits threshold. Actually, I’m joking. I know they are 23 because anytime I read about them they are being written up as big old whores. Sleeping with Lance Armstrong, sexing up a Good Charlotte guy, maybe having a hand to play in Heath Ledger’s death, going to Columbia University. Just really awful behavior. Is it just me or are Thursday’s my aggressive days? Someone should look into that.
I’m not going to write about whether Dakota Fanning wants it, but… you know… come on. I think she was a good choice to play a vampire. If I had to put my money on it, I’m betting she’s a good guy. Nah, I’m fucking with you. She’s evil. Choose the most innocent one and make her a violent evil killing machine. That is a great staple in the movie industry. It’s worked a million times, why not a million and one? I’m glad they also went subtle on her eyes.
Real subtle, right? You have to really focus in and see it, but her eyes are purple. Err I mean red. Sorry the contact lenses coloring were so subtle I had a hard time telling what color they were for a second.
Oh and she’s with Michael Sheen. Random. Didn’t see that coming, either.
That’s about all you see of him. He has long hair and he snaps a dude’s neck. I’m guessing he is a vampire because everyone else in the room is a vampire with him. This movie is getting decidedly more Underworld-esque besides the edition of Michael Sheen. Slow-motion fighting, wolves vs. vampires, Michael Sheen. I wasn’t supposed to mention him again. But I wonder what Michael Sheen thinks about being apart of these vampire movies. Clearly, we, the perpetual audience, have bought into the idea that Michael Sheen could feed on people. Humans. We have all grown completely comfortable with the premise of Michael Sheen eating human flesh for sustenance.
To cast a role in a movie correctly, the actor not only has to obviously act the part, but look the part as well. Sometimes the actor doesn’t look the part because it just 100% makes no sense and no one will buy it like Anthony Hopkins in the Human Stain. He is supposed to be a black guy. Yep. No joke there. True story. He is black. No make-up. No anything. Just old, white, British, and not in the least bit black Anthony Hopkins as a black guy.
Sometimes the person can pull off the role because they are such a great actor like Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan or Road to Perdition. I doubt anyone would have expected Tom Hanks to play a grizzly, World War II, Nazi killing machine or an assassin. But he had played an AIDs ridden lawyer, an idiot (Forrest Gump, he’s not retarded, just stupid, but he knows what love is), an astronaut, a few love interests and 3x with Meg Ryan, a baseball player, a couple cops, a stand-up comedian, a supernatural aged boy-man man-boy.
Actually, I could see Tom Hanks being a vampire now. Him and Michael Sheen together just tearing people are apart and then eating the shit out of them. Is that what is happening in Eclipse? I’m already guessing the storyline for the next sequel? Judging by the leap from school parking lots in Twilight to vampire parades in vampiric Rome in New Moon, I’m guessing they are actually ON THE MOON! With Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks, Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning and all the good looking 20 year olds are just space fighting each other with lasers and fangs. Space fangs. I am sorry if I spoiled the next movie for anyone.
My favorite part of the trailer is what appears to happen between about 32 seconds and 34 seconds. It consists of three parts or acts. The first part I’ll call “the pledge”.
Fake-Rob is with a completely ordinary Volvo that is not in the movie for product placement at all. Vampires know good safety records and Volvos have the best. He might be immortal, but that doesn’t mean he wants a car that can’t survive getting T-boned at 50 mph. So Fake-Rob is with a Volvo
The second act is called “the turn”. This is when Fake-Rob will take that ordinary, cost effective, passenger safety plus and stylish Volvo and he…
MAKES IT DISAPPEAR! I love it! I don’t know how he did it. Fake-Rob is so much better than David Blaine. He made a perfectly reasonably purchased Volvo disappear. But what is the third part of his routine called “the Prestige”. They don’t show you what it is though, but I’ve got a secret: the Moon.
Fake-Rob is going to teleport that car to the Moon. I can’t wait for this movie. No doubt it will be a cliffhanger ending and this whole Moon section will be right at the end. All of Eclipse will be vampire/wolf/Moon-aliens battles. I can honestly see why all of you like this book series so much. It is wild.
Are you sure you want me to rent Twilight now? Or do you really just want to rent the Twilight that I watch in my head? The Moon, M-O-O-N.
September 16, 2009
Before we get to the post, aka insane ramblings, I need to recognize a tragic death that occurred last night: Shaq Vs. had its final episode. NOOOO!!!!! I feel completely empty inside now knowing I will have to wait so so so long until the NBA season starts (October) to see more of my beloved Shaquille O’Neal. In the final episode, Shaq faced off against Michael Phelps. Shaq is actually a great swimmer. The man can do anything. He effortlessly quoted Albert Einstein at one point in the episode. But that shouldn’t be a surprise for us who know him well; Shaq is the “Big Aristotle” (actual nickname).
The title of the post is a Shaq quote, by the way. And here are a million others that are gold just like that one http://www.shaqquotes.com/ .
I think everyone has a running check list of things they want to see happen in their life. The first few off the top of my head: the Pittsburgh Steelers go undefeated until the elephant apocalypse, the creation of an annual event “KSWI Jordan-Con” (like Comic-Con, but with more orgies involving me), a real fight between a samurai and a ninja, a functional lightsaber, Lindsay Lohan pull her life back together am I right? For serious guys, it is such a sad story of a young girl being blah blah blah blah blah. Remember when she was hot? I do. Everyone saw Mean Girls and those pictures of her as Marilyn Monroe, wow. She wanted it back then. Anyway…
I also want to see Lebron James and Shaquille O’Neal win the NBA Championship title this season.
Afterwards, I want Shaq to retire and proceed to have the greatest television entertainment career of all time. I want him to start a show called “Shaq-Fu” (not about the autobiographical videogame for Sega Genesis). Shaquille will just literally walk the Earth going from town to town solving problems and getting involved in crazy hi-jinks. A camera crew will be with him 24/7 taping everything and it will air on the Shaquille O’Neal television channel and stream on the internet.
Or Shaq could just have carte blanche and appear on any reality show whenever he feels like it. You’re watching Ice Road Truckers one week and BAM Shaquille O’Neal is there and guess what? He is driving a truck. No need to ask why or if he should even be allowed to do it because it is apparently the most dangerous thing ever. He is MF-ing Shaq, let him do his thing. I can’t think of a single show this would not work with. American Idol + Shaq? Survivor + Shaq? Top Chef + Shaq? The Ultimate Fighter + Shaq? America’s Next Top Model + Shaq? I would need a hundred DVRs to keep up.
I know “We’re girls. We don’t care about Shaq. We didn’t come here to read about Shaq. Stop talking about Shaq!”
Since I haven’t seen a Runaways trailer yet, I have to go back to the well that is Twilight. Coincidentally, a new New Moon trailer came out this week. Actually, that is no coincidence. I saw the trailer thought I might as well write about it, since I wrote about the last one. So with those stars aligning, I thought the most reasonable thing to do was to write about Sigmund Freud’s three theoretical functions of the mind and the new trailer. Perfectly reasonable. Tomorrow, I’ll talk about the trailer in regards to everything else that isn’t “id, ego, and super ego” involved. Let’s get our learn on.
Id, Ego, Super Ego
I thought of a joke, but I’m not sure how I would even write it that it would make sense. Pretty much I was thinking “I’d lego my super ego if I were you.” You would pronounce the “ego” as “eggo” like you were British or were referring to an Eggo Waffle. And then, instead of “id” it would be “I’d” which looks like “id”. So it would be id, ego and super ego all in one sentence and at the same time it would be a pop-culture reference from a 100 years ago. Get it? I’m nuts. You all have come to that realization, correct? Problem is I’m not sure I can blame the blog. Anyway, Sigmund Freud…
I love Sigmund Freud. Big fan. One of his best thought brain things was the id, ego and super ego. These are the three facets that make up… well us, our mental being. What we want to do, what we do, how we go about doing it, why we do it and all of our decisions are because of the relation between the three. The id is base. It is our instincts. The id is our most primal desires and urges. The super ego is moral. The super ego is learned. It is our definition of perfect. The ego is the cross-section of the two. It is the sexy part of a Venn diagram. When the id and super ego compromise we have our ego.
We are born with an id. As a living thing we have a purpose. As an animal we have desires. Our id is what drives us. It is what wants pleasure. It is what gets angry. It is what comes out when you have 3 or 4 Long Island Iced Teas and no dinner (lunch or breakfast as well depending on how early you start drinking). We spend most of our lives suppressing our id. It is hard to live within the constraints of society if you just let your id roam wild. Do you want to guillotine choke that old woman who made a left turn from the right lane? Sure. Sure as fuck your id does. But you stop yourself. This suppression is from your super ego. Listening to your id would be all the fun, but it would also get you killed or thrown in jail.
The super ego is all of societal laws, moral values, ethical behaviors et cetera. The super ego keeps you striving to be a “good person”. This is great and all, but it also makes you feel shame about what your id keeps whispering for you to do and if/when you do it. The suppression of your id from your super ego can be a road map for all your mental problems, all your social hang-ups, all your self-defense mechanisms, maybe the reason why you walk funny (behavioral ticks). Who knows? This back and forth between your id and super ego are what create your ego which is who you are.
The ego is the mediator between the two warring factions. The ego is the composite of both sides. The ego is where green, purple and orange live. The ego does seem to side more with the id more than the super ego. Let’s say you want to eat an entire bag of Tostitos chips with an entire jar of nacho cheese. You don’t. Or at least you hope you don’t. But you have some to satiate the undying desire to eat an entire bag. Also, you may have a break down at some point and your id will have you forego the chips and you’ll just be plunging your claw hand into the jar scooping out hunks of room temperature microwaveable cheese. So you give into your desire enough that you keep living in some relevant sanity.
Personally, this blog is a good example. As mentioned, my crazy seeps from my fingers tips. My writing is my id and the backspace key is where my superego gets some of the say. Believe me there is a lot that gets deleted. When I finally hit the “publish” button is my ego. It is the compromise. But enough about me, right? No one is here to read about me.
In the trailer for New Moon, I think all three aspects of Fake-Kristen Stewart’s (I’m not calling any of them by their character names. “Fake-____ “ is how I’ll refer to them) psyche are on display. The id is the adrenaline junction section of the trailer. I’m not sure the most well thought out plan to get a vampire’s attention is to jump off a cliff and nearly drown in stormy waters. And even less of a great plan is to get his attention shakily riding a motorcycle because he ain’t coming back if you just sprain your ankle. She wasn’t driving the thing into highway traffic; she was on a deserted road. Nevertheless, I get it. She thinks he will save her so she is willing to nearly kill herself for that to happen. That is stupidity; that is her id.
Also, I don’t know how he is even supposed to know she is in danger. He left didn’t he? Is someone supposed to call him on his cell? Does she leave a note at the scene of each tenuous suicide attempt with Fake-Rob’s cell phone number just in case a random passerby stops? “Uh, is this the vampire?” “Yes, speaking.” “There is a chick who wants it and she is drowning. Can you come and get her? Are vampires good swimmers? I never knew that.” “We kind of broke up.” *click* Fake-Kristen isn’t thinking things through. She is just acting on instinct. She has a desire to get back her vamp and she’ll do anything to do it no matter how stupid it is. I’m guessing they have some sort of telepathic bond. Is that what I’m missing? He just knows she is in trouble? Bullshit.
The ego is who you are normally, when you are acting more or less sensible. A good example is when she runs from the Jamaican guy who can apparently BITCH-SLAP ENORMOUS WOLVES. I’d run from that guy. He dresses like a pimp, looks like a drug dealer, beats up wolves, and is a vampire. No means no and just fucking run away. Maybe he’ll get tired of smacking around wolves that he’ll forget all about your white ass. Outside of that, Fake-Kristen’s ego is present when she is doing nothing in particular dramatic like riding in a car, talking to people, going to school et cetera. What happened to school by the way? The first movie they played baseball and went to class and hung out a lot in the parking lot. Now it went all Lord of the Rings. What is that Rome? There are castles, parades, mountains, Michael Sheen. Seriously, this is still the same movie as the first one, right? There wasn’t a Twilight 1.5 where they relocated to Middle Earth?
The super ego…? Is there are a part of the trailer where Fake-Kristen questions what the fuck she is doing dating a vampire? That would be the super ego section. Whatever second she actually pauses and thinks to herself maybe I shouldn’t date a mystical immortal fang-bearer who feeds on blood. That would be her super ego striving for sanity. There has to be a moment when she is being almost killed by other vampires where Fake-Kristen has a moment of clarity and says to herself on the inside “Uh… I may have fucked up going to prom with a vampire. He shimmers, he climbs trees, he’s all dark and broody, but I may die by murder by vampire if I keep on kissing face with this guy.” Those thoughts repressing her teenage hormones for blood sucking pillow talk is her super ego.
As for the real Kristen Stewart, she is a perfect example of the id and super ego comprising to make her ego. Kristen Stewart wants it. That is clear. Her wanting it is her id obviously. But you never see Kristen flipping out and attacking people or stealing things or using her want like Cyclops’ optic beam and laying waste to entire cities. This is because her super ego is restraining her. The ego, the compromise, is that Kristen Stewart wants it, but never acts on it. Her super ego keeps her in check so that she can make movies, go to awards shows, smoke pot in public and so forth. But the id still gets some of its way by Kristen looking like she wants it all the time each and every second of the day.
Kristen Stewart seems to be a lovely young woman who has a contagious smile, an innocent laugh, a quiet endearing personality and she wants it. Oh God does she want it. Sigmund Freud would have loved Kristen Stewart. Maybe more than he loved cocaine. Maybe more than he loved morbid thoughts and depression after World War I. He would have written volumes upon volumes of text trying to figure out what exactly “IT” is and why in Heaven’s name she wants “IT” that badly.
September 15, 2009
Subtitle: I only watch MTV if Rob Dyrdek is on
As mentioned on several occasions, I read the comments section. I make an initial scan for the words “fuck” and “Jordan” preceded by the phrase “I want to”. I focus in on those sentences. I study them. I make several mental notes of them: print, cursive, calligraphy. I then take three slow deep breadths in through the nose and out through the mouth. Then I remember I read it on the internet and everything you read on the internet is LIES! Cock teases.
I’m just kidding. Everything written on the internet cannot be lies. Case in point: Kristen Stewart wants IT. Kristen does in fact want IT. And that was written on the internet and it is true so the premise “everything you read on the internet is LIES!” has to be false.
It does reminds me of a scene in CKY2K. “I would die for Ricky Martin.” “I don’t see you dying.” And then Bam Margera jumps out of a moving truck into a bush and then “Come to Daddy” by Aphex Twin starts to play. “I want to fuck Jordan.” “I don’t see you fucking Jordan.” And then “Come to Daddy” by Aphex Twin starts to play.
Nevertheless, I do eventually read all the comments and all their brilliance. I see a lot of you want me to talk about the VMAs, so I will. At the same time, I will randomly jump off topic to a completely different topic that seems to have no connection in the least bit with the previous topic for humorous results. This happens because my brain is either a series of broken train tracks and the out of control thought train is continuously jumping from track to track or my brain is functioning at such a high level that my thoughts actually transcend any relevance limitations.
The MTV Video Music Awards. Honestly, if someone asked me last week if the VMAs were still an annual occurrence I probably would have hit them in the face. Who are you? Why are you asking me these questions I do not know the answer to? Stop messing with my brain! I guess that the VMAs still happen. I’m not sure why or how, but those questions don’t seem to stop anyone else in TV i.e. NCIS: Los Angeles.
Do people still watch the VMAs? What relevancy do these “awards” even have? MTV doesn’t play music and hasn’t since… well… ever, right? Do they even make music videos anymore? Where the hell would you even watch them? Not MTV and not MTV 2. The internet? A follow-up question, if you’re spending your free time to watch movies on the internet why isn’t it porn?
Even more of a follow-up question, who buys porn? Seriously!?! Unless you count strip clubs as porn then I have never spent a dollar on porn in my life. Porn is like a +$3 billion industry, but who the hell is spending money on it? For the life of me I cannot figure out this. If you have a computer and an internet connection then porn has always been free.
You used to have to download it. You used to have a file sharing program of some sort. You used to have to go through the leg work and actually search it, download it, wait for the download, and hide it on your computer in an intricate network of sub-folders with innocuous titles that no one would ever be curious about opening like “Out of focus family photos” or “Heroes episodes”. Now, you can just stream it. They made porn even that much more accessible. It is 100% free on the internet and yet it makes more money than the actual movie industry.
Someone at the White House needs to swallow some pride (that’s what the pornstar said) and ask the porn industry how they are profitable and apply it to all companies. Could you imagine the car industry legitimately giving away free cars for use, at any time during the day, any day of the year, any type of car, with unlimited free gas and still somehow turn an insane profit? It does not make sense. How does the porn industry do it?
Hmmm… anyway. So the VMAs are still on TV for no apparent reason. A television channel’s awards show for music that isn’t played on that channel and for the corresponding videos that are also not played on that channel. I love America. No rhyme, no reason, no problem.
The big story is that Kanye West jumped up on stage and took the microphone from Taylor Swift because he felt that Beyonce should have won the award that Taylor Swift just won. I read that Kanye was drunk, so that makes sense. I’ve been drunk before. Shit happens when you are drunk. The situation has already righted itself by Kanye crying on Jay Leno and saying he is taking a break.
I will tell you my favorite part of the whole ordeal was Taylor Swift’s comment about what was going on in her head, “I was standing on stage because I was really excited because I had just won the award. And then I was really excited because Kanye West was on stage. And then I wasn’t so excited anymore after that.”
I can’t think of anything funnier than that.
I am a little surprised that no one has likened this to when Ol’ Dirty Bastard jumped up on stage when Puffy won. I’m surprised no one has said that, but the circumstances are 100% different. First and foremost, Kanye didn’t jump up there because he lost. He jumped up there because Beyonce lost. Secondly, this wasn’t even a “music” award. It was a “video” award. Not only did Beyonce have nothing to do with making her music video besides being it, but same goes for Ms. Swift. If anyone should have jumped up on stage it should have been the director or producer of Beyonce’s video stealing the spotlight from the director or producer of Taylor Swift’s video.
Nevertheless, Kanye is an idiot. He is a complete caricature of himself at this point. Everyone thinks that he is an irrational cry baby who flips out at awards shows and guess what? He in fact is an irrational cry baby who flips out at awards shows. As for Taylor Swift…. She’s 19? Fuck yeah! I was worried that she was underage because she looks it, but she isn’t. Hot. Taylor Swift is attractive. She is so sweet and innocent looking. I bet she can communicate with animals. Not like a crocodile, but chipmunks.
I bet she can skip through the forest bare foot with dandelions sprouting up from where each of her porcelain white feet land. Her blonde hair shining in the streams of sunlight that cut through the trees. A pack of chipmunks (A flock? A murder? A murder of chipmunks?) run up to her. They all wag their bushy tails and she smiles her effervescent smile. “Do you have something to tell me, you cute little chipmunks?” And then the chipmunks say…. “Thank God you’re legal. I’ve been fantasizing about you in secret for the past year and well now I don’t have to feel ashamed anymore.”
In the article I read about Kanye/Swift-gate, they mentioned that Katy Perry and Pink were twittering during the show. Katy Perry’s tweet about the situation was pretty humorous. She wrote that Kanye doing that to Taylor was like Kanye stepping on a kitten. That’s comedy gold right there. Stepping on kittens is hilarious. Good job Katy.
Joking aside that was a cute tweet. I like Katy Perry. She is pretty hot and she writes songs about how girls should kiss other girls. I think she is doing a lot of good in this world. I think there should be more Katy Perry. She should be on a grander stage sharing these ideals of hers. If the GOP knew what was good for them (which they don’t) then they would make a Perry/Palin ticket for 2012. Talk about the big tent party. Big tent in my pants party more like it! Hey-oooh. Political humor.
Meanwhile, Pink’s twat/tweet was that Kanye West was the “biggest piece of shit in the world” and that we could quote her on it. Really? I think I could easily think of a top ten list of people who are bigger pieces of shit than Kanye West without even breaking a sweat. Here we go:
1. The person who has killed the most people in this world without any justification
2. The person who has killed the second most people in this world without any justification
3. The person who has killed the third most people in this world without any justification
4. The person who has killed the fourth most people in this world without any justification
5. The person who has killed the fifth most people in this world without any justification
6. The person who has killed the sixth most people in this world without any justification
7. Mike Vick
8. The person who has killed the seventh most people in this world without any justification
9. The person who has killed the eighth most people in this world without any justification
10. The person who has killed the ninth most people in this world without any justification
See? No sweat. Well a little sweat. It is hot in here and I drank a huge cup of coffee and I’m wearing a suit. Speaking of:
I have been peppering this post with the pictures of Kristen Stewart and her new hair-do. I like it. I like girls with short hair. Don’t go chopping your locks off just yet. I also like girls with long hair. If it works it works. I think it looks good on Kristen. It at least looks a billion times better than what she had. I wouldn’t mind a switch back to her long hair because I think she looked the best with that. I’m not 100% sold on her having black hair. I think she looked best with the red hair and with her light brown hair.
As for the pictures themselves, she still wants it.
If you hadn’t noticed, the post title is a reverence to Road House with Patrick Swayze and sadly he died from pancreatic cancer. Just thought I should mention that if the reference got lost. Road House may be the movie I’ve learned the most from in life. It is a beautiful story about a philosopher warrior who takes down crime in a small town by being a local bouncer. Also you see his butt in it, win win right? Even more sadly, they are already remaking Red Dawn, which is motherfucking blasphemous.
And here is yesterday’s suit picture that I forgot to work into that post: