Today I’m Going To Talk About STAR WARS

Before I do, I have two other things I’m-uh gonna-uh talk-uh about-uh:

1. Have you ever been alone in a public bathroom pooping when the automatic flusher in the next stall goes off? You’re just sitting there TCOB-ing it and you’re all alone. It is perfectly quiet. Then the automatic flusher in the next stall is triggered and the whoosh of the toilet sounds off like an explosion cutting through that silence. It’s scary. Oh great there is a ghost in the bathroom. Fan-fucking-tastic, my pants are around my ankles and the stall next to me is haunted by a poltergeist. And is it just the stall? Or the whole bathroom? Is the ghost confined to those plastic partitions or is it signaling to me it is there in the bathroom and now is standing in the extra luxury space of the handicap stall watching me on the toilet?

Either way, I don’t know proper ghost etiquette. Do I handle pooping next to this ghost like it was a normal person? Do I cough loudly when I’m going to fart to mask the sound? Do I have to explain the smell? Do I have to explain why the noises? “I’m assuming you are a ‘Mr.’ Ghost because this is the ‘men’s room’. I had a corn beef sandwich yesterday for lunch and Swedish meatballs for dinner last night and, well, a couple pieces of cake. It was an emotionally trying day and I comforted myself with food. This morning I’ve had a little more coffee than I usually have to try to help flush out yesterday’s eating habits. I hope that explains why it smells like burnt formaldehyde and why it sounds like I’m drowning a bag of cats in the stall next to you. I’ll make sure to courtesy flush.” Purely hypothetical scenario.

2. On What Would Tyler Durden Do yesterday, there was a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt eating ice cream. Actually it is of her holding ice cream, but that’s pretty close. I’m not taking 100% credit for that. Actually I will. Anytime you see a picture of a celebrity eating or holding ice cream from here on out was inspired by me. This is a side note to a side note, but recently Jennifer Love Hewitt was discussed in my real life concerning her having a nice long list of douchey boyfriends. Just saying. Oh yeah, she wants it and she’s hot. Maybe a post for another day.

STAR WARS!

Well, I really only want to talk about the original trilogy, the Holy Trilogy, but I have to say something about the Prequels which are an abomination. The Prequels are so terrible they need to be discussed for at least a minute or in my case a two pages with pictures which may end up going for way too long to the point that I make this a 2 part post. We’ll just have to wait and see on that. I was/am surprised as many of you can lay claim to not seeing Star Wars in any capacity. The question, whether or not you should see the Holy Trilogy? That is an emphatic YES! YOU NEED TO MOTHERFUCKING SEE THEM AND KEEP SEEING THEM UNTIL YOU ROB YOURSELF OF YOUR YOUTH AND BURNT OUT YOUR RETINAS AND NOW YOU ARE BLIND WALKING AROUND IN HARD SOLE SHOES LIKE RAY CHARLES!!!!!!  But should you see the Prequels? No.

That is an inside voice and direct “No”. Don’t see them. I understand wanting to watch a bad movie because it could be so bad it will be funny. As of right now, I kind of want to see Law Abiding Citizen with Gerard Butler and Jamie Foxx. Reason being: that movie looks provocatively stupid. Gerard Butler is in jail, but he is still orchestrating the most complicated assassinations ever outside of the jail. Uhhh, what? Sneaking in a couple of airplane size bottles of Jack Daniels, buying a small Coke at the concession stand, dumping half of that Coke into the bathroom sink, mixing in the airplane bottles of bourbon whiskey, and then going to see the movie while sipping on that happy juice sounds like a good plan.

The problem with the Prequels and that plan is they are forever long. Those movies are so long you’ll be shitty drunk by the opening credits and you’ll be dead sober by the closing credits. Not fun. It’ll be like going to detox. Also you may end up quitting drinking altogether because from that moment on you will associate drinking with the Prequels and will never want to relive that experience again. Booze is supposed to help you forget about the Prequels, not help you remember them. The Prequels are that bad even if you haven’t seen the Originals. If you have seen the Originals then imagine watching your childhood being water-boarded, actually just imagine yourself being water-boarded. Ugh they suck.

So I’ve been posting pictures of Natalie Portman. She is so hot and she wants it. Natalie Portman and Jennifer Love Hewitt both want it and they both have a lot of douchey boyfriends. They would probably have a lot to talk about over coffee. Anyway, I think Natalie Portman is so hot I think she should be in every movie. Like all of them. I honestly don’t care how they figure out her to be in the movie she should just be in them. Short hair? Yes. Long hair? Yes. Shaved head? Yes. I don’t care just put her in the stupid moving pictures! I honestly could stare at this all day:

Natalie Portman is in the Prequels. She is the only redeeming value the Prequels have, but she has made tons of other movies, so just go see one of those movies. I would suggest Closer. It is a good movie plus she is in a thong in it which is amazing. V for Vendetta is a great choice as well. Not much of her in a thong, but a great movie nonetheless. Natalie is also in The Professional which is one of my favorite movies. She is 12 in it and she does want it. There are no two ways around that. It’s a French film so they’re the creeps not me. That is a strange way to end the Prequels segment… hmmm… she’s good in that movie. Gary Oldman is amazing in that movie. Seriously, I didn’t cast, direct or write any of that movie. I’m not to blame. Stop judging me. I didn’t write the scene where she does the Marilyn Monroe “Happy Birthday” song to Jean Reno. I had nothing to do with it. Next paragraph –

Natalie Portman wants it a lot. More than most. I probably should just turn this post into a post about how much she fucking wants it, but… uh screw it. She wants it. Natalie really wants it. But there is more context to her want than Kristen Stewart’s. Natalie is definitely in the high percentage of wanting it all the time. She would be in easily the about 3/5ths (fractions?) range. As far as magazine photo shoots or red carpet appearances that number gets way the fuck jacked up to 9/10ths. Natalie Portman wants it on that red carpet. She’s like a bull. Natalie “Toro” Portman. When she sees that red carpet her eyes focus, her mouth slightly opens and then she says in head in a breathy whisper “I want it” and flash bulbs climax everywhere.

 

But the difference is, Kristen Stewart does that everywhere. Natalie frames her want in certain settings, certain scenes of a movie, certain moments in life. Kristen doesn’t have that luxury. Kristen Stewart just wants it all time every time every where. Natalie Portman uses her gorgeous sexy want like the precious perfect diamond commodity it is. Natalie Portman’s want is a Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse. Natalie’s want is a classy expensive filet mignon or kobe beef steak dinner served with red wine by the glass. It is an international chain of elegance and fine dining and is available year round. But it isn’t an every night of the week engagement, you’ll need reservations, you need to dress up. Kristen Stewart’s want is like McDonalds. There is already at least one EVERYWHERE and they are still building new ones. They’re open to 2am if not 24 hours. Bare bones prices and everyone is welcome 7 days a week. Kristen Stewart’s want, I’m loving it!

 

Return of the Jedi is the best Star Wars movie.

Damn it. I’m already at the third page and I haven’t talked about the Originals yet. By the way, I’m going to talk “spoilers” because these movies came out literally forever ago and at the same time may be the most widely referenced movies ever so you should’ve fucking seen them already. Hmmm… Well let me just play the hits then – I don’t agree with Dante’s rant in Clerks that Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie.

Empire is easily the second best one, but not the best. Generally speaking, I can see his point. I do understand why he believes Empire Strikes Back is better because it has an edgier storyline, the bad guys win, it is dark, real life is dark and blah blah blah cry cry cry. Besides that Empire Strikes Back is great for a ton of other reasons: snow battle scenes on Hoth, Luke learning to be a Jedi with Yoda, parallel story telling of Han Solo’s journey and Luke’s journey, Han being two-timed by Lando, Han being frozen by Boba Fett, Darth Vader like a bad ass tossing Luke around like a bitch and then cutting off his bitch hand, revelation of Vader being the sperm donor, the greatest line in Star Wars “I love you” “I know”… and on and on and on. Sure one could view it that way…. That is if they wanted to be wrong.

Return of the Jedi is hands down better. First,

 

You’re gay if you think otherwise. This was in Return of the Jedi! SLAVE GIRL PRINCESS LEIA! This and Phoebe Cates taking off her bikini top in Fast Times at Ridgemont High are the most popularly referenced masturbatory fantasy scenes in modern movies. Seriously, seeing Princess Leia in that gold bikini with a collar around her neck chained to the greatest morbidly obese character in movie history, Jabba the Hut, was a defining moment in every straight man’s and gay women’s life. Carrie Fischer looked unbelievable in that bikini! Also the reveal of Princess Leia just being in that outfit and everything was just so mind-blowing.

 

Up until that point Leia wasn’t running around the Death Star in knee high socks and a sports bra. She was a Princess(!) and was always conservatively dressed. But this! Good God! It came out of nowhere. Imagine you come home one day and your dog you have had your whole life just turns to you and says “I can fly and can grant wishes. Oh and I can talk too. I have understood everything you have said. I have decided that it is about time I tell you because I really wanted to express to someone how much I’ve been enjoying Alien Week on KSWI and I do think he is right that Kristen Stewart wants IT. Yes, I know how to use the computer. I have also taken the liberty of preparing your taxes for you for next year. To be blunt, you are retarded when it comes to handling your personal finances. I will grant you a single wish each day from this day forward. But my wish granting capabilities are restricted by time, so if your first wish was for Carrie Fischer dressed in the Slave Girl outfit from Return of the Jedi then it would today’s Carrie Fischer in that outfit and not 1983’s Carrie Fischer and I do not believe anyone wants to see that.” It was like that surprising.

 

What else does Return of the Jedi have? Luke is a fucking badass in it. Luke is decked out in black with a pimp hand black glove, a green lightsaber he is cutting every mofo’ up with, he does flips, he uses the force et cetera. He is an actual hero in the movie. He isn’t some cry baby pretending to be a tough guy. He is actually beating people’s asses left and right. Also, not going to lie, LUKE FUCKING WANTS IT. He wants it so bad in that whole Jabba the Hut beginning of Return of the Jedi. He wants it less when he is dicking around in the forest fighting the stormtroopers, but then he wants it a ton at the end. I mean how can you not love the movie that features the final climatic fight between father and son, good and evil, light and dark, Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader!

 

What else? Everyone is kicking ass and taking names in that movie. It is nearly all action with an incredibly emotional ending. Leia is kicking ass, Han is kicking ass, Chewbacca is kicking ass, Lando is kicking ass, R2D2 is kicking ass and an entire civilization of hairy dwarves are kicking all the ass. Fuck Dante for calling the Ewoks “muppets”. Muppets!?! MUPPETS!?! I’d like to see Gonzo take down an AT-AT walker! Not only one, but several. The Ewoks are throwing rocks, using bolos, setting up trip wires, riding the forest hoverbikes and at the same time they are the most adorable little snuggle bunnies that most likely have rabbies, scabbies and all the other “bies”. They live in an elaborate tree fort; hygiene didn’t look too high on their necessities list. Empire is a phenomenal movie, but Jedi is everything that you’ve been waiting for.

 

Lastly, to tie in Kristen Stewart yet again. God help us all if there is a Yoda, Emperor Palpatine, Obi Wan Kenobi, or whatever to help teach Kristen Stewart how to harness her want. I think it’s best we all leave Kristen Stewart’s inability to use her want where it is. She doesn’t need to get any better at using it or learn how to control it. If someone taught her how to control it instead of letting it endlessly leak out like a hole in the Hoover Dam then we wouldn’t get to see it all the time. Kristen would hide her want like these other celebrities and only show it to us at proper times. Instead Kristen’s want runs buck naked through the streets of all our lives and that is a good thing. At the same time, we don’t want anyone to teach her how to truly harness her want.

As valuable as it would be for Kristen Stewart to be able to weaponize her want and obliterate anything in her path, I don’t want that to happen. That is way too scary of a proposition if that were to fall into the wrong hands. By “wrong hands” I mean anyone’s hands, but my own and, maybe, Bo Jackson. I think I can trust Bo Jackson. I love Bo Jackson. Nevertheless, Bo Jackson and I know that power has the potential to cause more harm than good. As mentioned it could be our only hope to survive the elephant apocalypse, but who knows? Maybe by then we’ll have lightsabers. I could kill some elephants with lightsabers.

I want to keep writing about Star Wars, but the internet may die when I try to upload that document whenever it was finished.