Ebert & Roeper Can Go Shove Their Thumbs Up Their Own Asses – Part I
December 1, 2009
It is December. This should be no shock to you. Unless you are a drunk and have no idea what the date is at any given moment. WELCOME TO DECEMBER YOU WINO! Not that every other month of the year isn’t jam packed with movies, but December is well known for having its fair share of movies. Also, it is cold in December or at least it is cold where I am in December which in my subjectivist point of view means that it is cold every where and with this cold people go to the movies. Also also, with this cold people get sick and still go to the movies. So the cold and the movies together means you will be sharing air and space with sick people who will try to get you sick.
That is what sick people do: they try to get you sick as well. They aim their sneezes and coughs at you. They laser guide their sneeze spit right at you and they create a cough fog that will encompass all your breathable air. So if you see a sick person watch out. They are gunning for you as a healthy person. Best piece of advice I can offer is to kneecap them with a crowbar before they get a chance to sneeze or cough on you and then run. Once their kneecap has been shattered with the metal crowbar then they will have no ability to give chase after you. Their immobility means you have limited their range to spread their disease and you are now safe as well as others. Perfect solution.
Now that New Moon is d-e-a-d, I thought I would be even more helpful than usual (outside of the free public kneecapping with crowbars advice, you’re welcome) by doing a rundown about most of the movies that are coming out in December. There are 18 movies in total that I will be reviewing, unless I counted wrong, so I will split this up into a two-parter post. This should not be a shock considering in the post title it says “part I”, but I did mention you could be winos so you would have needed the extra help figuring that out. PUT THE BOTTLE DOWN! Actually, KEEP DRINKING! MORE! I can only get funnier when you are drunk. THAT BOTTLE LOOKS ANYWHERE FROM FULL TO EMPTY SO OPEN UP A SECOND OR THIRD BOTTLE AND DRINK THOSE JUST TO BE SURE. Today I believe that winos have bad hearing apparently. Why all the caps?
I have not seen any of these movies, but I have seen their trailers and on top of that I am a severely judgmental person who believes he is always correct because I am. I will review each movie trailer on a scale of “Kristen Stewart wants IT” heads:
With a possible perfect score of 4 heads of Kristen Stewart wanting IT.
Good fucking God she wants it. Is there any other emotion that pops into your mind than “want” when you look into the eyes of that decapitated Kristen Stewart head? No. That chick wants it. This is not a joke people. Kristen Stewart motherfucking wants it. Shimmy shimmy-yah shimmy-yam shimmy-yay gimme me the mic so I can take it away – MOVIES!
Intense. Holy shit does this movie look intense. It looks way too intense. Just way too intense that I cannot even imagine seeing it. Honestly, the trailer freaks me the fuck out. It is simply too intense. You know there is going to be so much angry yelling and screaming. Oh God, I don’t want to see that. I feel like I’ll have to start going to therapy after I see this movie. Tell me what happened? They were just yelling so much! It was all happy and fine when Jake was helping out Natalie and we all thought Tobey was dead. Why couldn’t he have just stayed dead!?! Every second when he was back was just yelling and screaming and I can’t sleep because everything is just too intense. I like Jake Gyllenhaal, I like Tobey Maguire and if for whatever reason Natalie Portman asked me to cut my left arm off and in me doing so that ensure she would be with me for the rest of my life then I would start sharpening those hedge clippers real quick because I will now be known as Jordan “The One-Armed Bandit” …. who spends every waking moment with Natalie Portman. So how many heads?
Nevertheless, I can’t see this movie. It looks like they all will give really scary intense performances including the children, but I can’t see it. I’ll give it a generous 2 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads because I love Natalie Portman.
Yuck. I read the cast list and was excited. I read the plot and thought it sounded pretty good. Then I made the fatal mistake of watching clips of the movie arranged in a montage with music in the background and I hated it. This movie is purely a plug and play movie. They have 4 famous actors: Drew Barrymore, Sam Rockwell, Kate Beckinsale, and Robert DeNiro. They have a vague and stereotypical storyline with heartwarming family moral: Dad is alone, doesn’t know his kids, travels the country to see them, each leads a very different life than the last that he has no idea about, tries to bring them all together to be a family again at least one more time. I’m completely uninterested in this movie. It is formulaic and the randomness of the cast doesn’t help any. Could you imagine any of these actors being the product of Bobby D’s sperm? Rockwell? Maybe. Barrymore? No. Beckinsale? Hell no. And then to take it a step further, can you imagine Barrymore and Beckinsale are supposed to be the product of the same sperm? Good God no. How many heads?
I give this 1 and a half Kristen Stewart wants IT head because Kate Beckinsale is gorgeous and for all the sharing sperm jokes and images I have in my head that will entertain me for the rest of today.
The Last Station
Christopher Plummer plays Leo Tolstoy and Helen Mirren plays his wife, the Countess Sofya. Add into the mix, Paul Giamatti playing Tolstoy’s protégé who is also Mirren’s adversary. The two are fighting over Tolstoy’s money and legacy: for Giamatti it is to Russia and for Mirren it is to her family. And for good measure let’s throw in James McAvoy (the white guy in The Last King of Scotland) to be caught in the middle. I thought this was going to be a sappy “based upon” movie that I wouldn’t like, but it actually looks great. Really great. I am definitely looking forward to this. How many of dem heads?
I am giving this 4 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads! See you wenches!?! I’m not just watching movies where people get blown up by some musclehead from the 80’s! I have a heart.
Unfunniest trailer I have ever seen ever. This movie is the anti-funny. It kills funny. I am giving this trailer zero heads. And I’m also giving it no space where heads could even exist because the trailer was that unfunny. I was thinking of giving them negative heads and flipping the heads up side down or making them black and white or inverting the colors, but in that scenario the movie is actually being given something and I can’t justify it being given anything even if that anything is a negative amount of things. The movie would then have a debt to pay of heads and even a debt is too good for this movie. No heads!
Up Into The Air
This will be good. I’ve talked plenty about George Clooney. I did an entire post on George Clooney. So no more George Clooney. This movie looks real good. I have full faith in Jason Reitman to make this a good movie. As well as, Danny McBride and Zach Galifankis kicking ass in however long their cameos are in this movie. I’ve always been a fan of Patricia Arquette. And I have a secret crush on Anna Kendrick that is not secret considering I have said it a couple times on this blog solely because of the movie Rocket Science where she is incredible. Cabezas?
¡Quatro cabezas! Me gusta todas las decisiones que señor Jason Reitman hace. Eso es mucha de cabezas estan queieriendolo. ¡Arriba!
Are we going for another 4 Kristen Stewart heads? I think we are. Clint Eastwood directing Morgan Freeman is enough already. Throw in Matt Damon for the hell of it. And it is about SPORTS! Oh my Jesus! What more could I ask for? Money, sex, drugs, better rock and roll. Sure. I can always ask for more of that. Anyway, I’ve talked about how I like this movie already in a previous post when I talked about shaking hands with Nelson Mandela. Saying that in my head makes it sound like a euphemism for jerking it. What are you up to? I think I’m going to go home, shake hands with Nelson Mandela and then take a nap. I get really sleepy after I finish shaking hands with Nelson Mandela. But that euphemism wouldn’t work for me in all honesty.
My penis looks nothing like Nelson Mandela.
And that is a sentence you thought you would never read. Here are the Kristen Stewart heads:
And now graciously I stand-up out of my chair and bow to the invisible audience at my office. You are welcome. Goodnight. NEXT MOVIE!
The Lovely Bones
Ahhh, Peter Jackson. I do enjoy a Peter Jackson film or all of them. Big fan of the movie The Frighteners which was pre-LOTR. Well, I’m a big fan of the first and second acts and I pretend like the third act doesn’t exist. Not that any of you are rushing out to see Michael J. Fox in The Frighteners, so I really like the movie up until the point that the Grim Reaper stops dressing up like the Grim Reaper and instead just wanders around as the bad guy idiot ghost who I was very disappointed to hear was the Grim Reaper during the movie. All the rest preceding those moments, I am a fan of. You can really see where the Ringwraiths got their look from when you watch this movie. The Grim Reaper is like an enormous nightmarish cat with a 15 sickle. It is great. Also I loved King Kong.
I’m not sure if The Lovely Bones was an Oprah’s book club book, but I think it was and seriously what would be the big deal if I start a rumor that it was. Does Oprah not want you reading more books? Is Oprah against literacy? Is that why Oprah is leaving us!?! Either way, the book was supposed to be good or at least it was very popular. I think the young girl Saoirse (pronounced Swar-zee, like Sway-zee, but with Swar-zee) Rowan will do a great job. She was about the only redeemable part of that shitty ass Atonement movie. That movie sucked. My fear with The Lovely Bones is that Mark Wahlberg is playing the father and I hope he isn’t in the movie too much. I don’t think he fits this role well, but maybe Jackson can direct him through it. Also, the trailer shows way too much of the movie and I feel like I know everything that happens. I just saw that “têtes” is heads in French, but I have a feeling that will be mispronounced and construed by others outside of myself.
I think it should be good, but I’m not 100% sold on this because of Marky Mark and for the utter lack of subtlety in the trailer.
And our final film for today…
Yesterday Was A Lie
I will not lie to you. Actually I have lied a lot to you despite my constant repetition of “honestly”, “I won’t lie”, “I’m not lying” and “truthfully”. Seriously, I didn’t watch the trailer. I had not heard of this movie nor anyone in it and made the wrong/right decision to read the summary prior to watching the trailer. The plot summary was way too ridiculous for me to even consider watching the visual representation of whatever the hell this “summary” is talking about. I will instead dissect and rate the summary with Kristen Stewart’s heads of wanting IT.
“Hoyle — a girl with a sharp mind and a weakness for bourbon –“
I believe this sentence perfectly sums up my readership.
Back to the summary:
“is investigating introverted artist/archaeologist John Dudas. But her work takes an unforeseen twist as she begins to experience events around her in a mysterious, disjointed manner. With the assistance of her loyal partner and a cute young lounge singer, Hoyle uncovers a plot to unravel earth-shattering cosmological secrets, smuggled out of 1930s Germany by a Nazi defector.”
An “unforeseen twist”? Are you fucking kidding me? “Unforeseen”!?! A perfectly amiable girl who is a bit of a booze hound has a side kick lounge singer who helps her in deciphering Nazi secrets that are both “earth-shattering” and “cosmological”. “Unforeseen” does not begin to describe how unforeseen that twist was. Where in the fuck did this movie come from? Oh yeah and there is more:
“But when Hoyle’s deeper relationship with Dudas is revealed, she learns that the most potent forces of all — human love, human pain — cannot be grasped by science alone.”
Oh my gay. This movie sounds terrible. Terrible in ways that I cannot even begin to imagine. A love story between a street smart moonshine drunk girl and a Tom Jones wanna-be “partner” who just so happen to be knee deep in clandestine documents from World War II that could be about anything from God to the apocalypse, I imagine. I didn’t and I refuse to watch the trailer, but the only thing that would save this is if Drunk McDrunk’s “loyal partner” was a chick and not a dude. I’m guessing it is a dude, but if they were lesbians then I would see this movie.
If the “loyal partner” is male like I’m guessing:
One head solely for how absurdly creative and ridiculous this movie is. But if the “partner” is a chick:
You get a bump to 3 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads. Lesbians make all movies better.
And with that, Part II will be set for tomorrow whether you like it or not.