May 28, 2010
Friday, Friday, Friday, but everyone’s thinking of Monday, Monday, Monday with some added drinking and outdoor grilling on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday and for good measure a shots party on Saturday, Saturday, Saturday and I’m unemployed, I could continue to Tuesday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Wednesday and ONWARD! Yes, I want to start a “tab”. Yes, I want to leave it open. No need for a cab because I’m taking a “to go” cup and walking home.
Yesterday, I accomplished a task that few man or woman have attempted and even fewer have succeeded in.
The glow of success is blinding!
I kept the ticket stub. I framed it as well. I am planning on sell it on ebay. I am thinking it could easily fetch a few hundred and maybe even a thousand dollars. It is a very rare item. I will open the bidding to you all first before the ebay jackals get it. The ticket is in mint condition and sat in my pocket the entirety of MacGruber. I can even tell you what happened during the credits because I sat through them with said ticket. I received a call from a documentary crew shortly after the movie was over. They’re planning on doing a documentary about people who have actually paid to see MacGruber and watched the whole movie. So look out for that.
By the by, MacGruber is good. I found it very funny. Ladies Man is better. But Ladies Man is better than most movies.
Questions for Moooo-Waaahhh…
Question for Friday:
I’m officially off work for the summer. I have some stuff to do, but I still need more to do. Jordan, any ideas for me? I know you’ve been “between jobs” for a bit–what occupies your time? Give me a goal, a plan, a challenge! I cannot just watch BBC America and read by the pool all the time.
What occupies my time? Trying to keep Megatron on his thrown and Starscream in the pews. Starscream does kill Megatron at some point, more or less when he gets lazy and injured. I write this blog everyday still, which I’m guessing you noticed. It keeps me honest. I have to do something creative 5 days a week. Outside of that I have been working on some other projects outside of KSWI. Audio/visual productions. I’ll post them when they’re ready.
Plan/challenge? Something that benefits me would be nice. Consider it charity. I have some CPA accountant buddies who could figure out a way it could be a tax write off.
Friday question: what’s up with all these runner friends, Jordan? Personally I prefer my friends to be lazy. As well as worse parents and horrible housekeepers.
I agree. It is a tad irresponsible of them to be so health conscious. Sadly, I can name another half-dozen friends who also fancy themselves runners. I’m holding strong. No running for me. At least not until I get my acting career. I figure if someone hires me now then I can do one of those Christian Bale and 50 Cent acting diets and get crazy thin. At that point, the only sensible thing would be to eat fried chicken and cheeseburgers until I get back to where I started. But in that middle ground of sickly thin and stuffed with ground meat and American cheese – I bet I’ll be looking pretty good.
Question for Friday re the Secret Life of Guys: Why do guys need fresh pictures of nude women? Why won’t the same old nude women pix do?
I will start with an anecdote from Stephen King. After the Boston Red Sox won the World Series, he likened it to losing his virginity – once it happened, he just wanted it to happen all the time. Well, once you finally get pictures of a glorious nude woman – why would you stop wanting more? Also, pictures are two dimensional and you can’t see everything in one picture, so multiple angles is needed. So the different angles helps faking a three dimensional person, and new pictures helps even more. You’re experiencing different settings, time, and looks.
Am I pre-supposing that someone is pestering you for new nude pictures? Or are websites with new updates for the same starlets starting to get annoying to you?
Where the hell did you find ‘Die Antwoord’?
The internet. Their other video with them standing in front of some suburban house got pretty popular on the internet. And this one is their new video which has gotten even more popular.
Friday question: Have you ever been to the spoon museum that NJ has?
On Wednesday, I went to some blogger meet up. Not for my word-stripping on this website, but for the freelance writing I do for Asylum. I have two things to mention about that night minus I was sweating my balls off inside the bar and outside the bar:
1. I was talking to a guy who runs a really popular website. My friend introduced me to the guy and in the introduction he said that I write “Kristen Stewart Wants IT”. The guy looked confused, so we said it again. He still looked confused. So I started to explain what “Kristen Stewart Wants IT” meant - “there’s that Twilight chick Kristen Stewart and she always looks like she wants it” – and he said “I’ve heard about your site. Why do I know it? I think I have read a write up on your site somewhere.” I responded, “A few websites did write ups on it.” And then he added, “I’ve actually read a couple write ups on your site. Hunh? Wait a minute, you’re not gay!” And then I looked back and nodded, “Nope. Not gay.” And my friend added, “He isn’t gay.” That was a great moment.
2. Here is a picture of me front the event. This is more or less what I’m planning on looking like for the next few days – sweaty, beer in hand, somewhat drunk, but sans speed-dating name tag.
Feel free to entertain yourselves at my expense. Or use this as the newest picture to add to the voodoo dolls you have made of me. This could be “Poolside Drunk” Jordan or “Puerto Rican Vacation” Jordan.
Have a great weekend and Memorial Day. For the foreigners, feel free to also take off Memorial Day for a backyard barbecue. I’ve spoken with your Presidents, Prime Ministers and Totalitarian Dictators and they say it is cool and the gang for you to get drunk on cooler beer, potato salad, and chicken drumsticks on Monday like the good ole’ YOU ESS UV AYE.
May 27, 2010
Just filthy. FILTHY. On a crystal clean family run website like Kristen Stewart Wants IT, I cannot believe the filth that was passed around as the Queen’s English in the comments section yesterday. I am shocked or SHOCKED at how an innocent guest blogger like Matthew Gerber, Esq. could write a well constructed article, dealing with his personal preferences regarding the video recording of making love, and what does Sir Gerber receive for this illustrious task: “I guess the directors think that look sets off a handjob really nicely.”
What? Excuse me, Missssss, but everyone can hear you! This website is a respite for the weak and weary to passionately discuss intellectual musings like “Imagine, Kristen Stewart fought a velociraptor with Jessica Biel’s head on it – thus, making it a Jessociraptor… Biel. Which half of the Jessociraptor would Kristen need to focus her attacks on first: the head of Jessica Biel or the dinosaur body?” Instead of this typical fare, KSWI was treated to an ongoing stream of filth. “Deep throating to the point of barfing on the monster cock, and still truckin’ like we all want to see that dripping down his shaft.” Dirty words! Dirty, dirty words.
Hopefully, Herr Gerber was not too offended and one day will try again with you disgusting degenerate dancing dastardly dames. Thank you, Gerbz for your informative essay. I agreed with several points made in said article, but I have a few thoughts to add in contrast.
1. Love for Writers – I enjoy a good storyline in a porno. I’m not into the more elaborate ones with pirates or when they’re wearing wings and fog is billowing in off camera. A simple storyline that we all can understand and can follow along with giving this act of love a context. Teacher/student, boss/secretary, or it just so happens the showers at the gym are coed and have no partitions granting any bit of privacy. A simple beginning that sets up why we are all here, a middle where the sexy eyes is featured, and then he sticks it into her end.
2. Don’t quit your day job – I watch amateur porno and professionally done porno. The amateur stuff is great for a lot of the reasons many mentioned in the comments, but the amateur stuff always lacks in overall presentation. Usually only one camera angle, terribly lit, bad sound, sometimes no sound, or the worst is hearing whatever God awful music these two fuck bunnies listen to and think is appropriate for their amateur porno. She’s cute, he’s almost completely out of frame, they’re humping like rabbits, but for fuck’s sake could someone turn off the Stone Temple Pilots in the background. At some point, I may want to listen to “Interstate Love Song” again without thinking of his balls slapping against her ass.
I could go on, but I will keep my thoughts on this to a minimum at the moment. I do agree with most of the comments made and I’ll leave it at that.
Actually, I have to open discussion on KSWI-Con – I would like to enact a certain well-known law for the entirety of its proceedings: What hath happeninth at KSWI-Con stayeth at KSWI-Con. I’m glad that is settled. So feel free to experiment to your full capacity. And don’t mind the video cameras because that is all for my personal collection and not to blackmail you with later in life. And I would like a monogrammed robe for the event.
I also wanted to mention with Memorial Day pretty much sitting on our doorstep that next week will be a short week. I know I won’t be posting on Monday and Tuesday. At the earliest more KSWI want will be written about on Wednesday.
I am not at all sure what my plans are for this weekend. I would imagine a lot of it has to do with getting all that booze in my tummy, but that’s not a “plan” – it’s a given. One thing I am thoroughly looking forward to is the UFC event featuring Quinton “Rampage” Jackson vs. “Sugar” Rashad Evans. If you must know, I am rooting for Rampage. You all may root for him as well so then later you will not feel guilty when he is entertaining you in The A-Team which is in theaters in June. Rampage also howls to psyche himself up prior to a fight, so the Team Jacob girls could be into that. I am a fan of Rashad, but Rampage is one of my favorite fighters. I really can’t wait to see that old soldier Rampage at 31 years old beat up this new young buck Rashad at 30 years old. Get ‘em RAMPAGE!
All this porn talk, fitted robes, and professional cage violence is really not helping how I feel, which is shitty. I went to a bar last night from 6 to 11 or so. Nothing crazy happened. Had a few beers, shot Jameson et cetera. But when I got back to my apartment I was hungry. It was midnight and the one thing that I knew for a fact was open and quick on a Wednesday night was Burger King.
I have made comments to the fact that I believe Burger King to be the worst of the fast food chains. I also have made comments to the fact that I believe eating an order of Burger King’s onion rings takes off 3 months of one’s life. If you sit still enough you can actually feel your life force die a little when you eat one of their onion rings. So I know this. I know it because I believe it and I live by it and I preach it. But take a wild guess what happened when I got home.
I ordered a chicken sandwich, onion rings and a diet coke because of the calories et al. First and foremost, why did I order onion rings? They don’t taste bad, the Burger King fries are black eye on America’s history greater than the “Bay of Pigs” and its failed invasion of Cuba, and when given the option of onion rings for the same price value as atrocious french fries then I have to get the onion rings. I’m not eating their fries, so why pay for them.
Currently, I can still feel the “conflict” in my stomach. I couldn’t sleep all night from what must’ve been billowing flammable fumes exiting all of my orifices. I couldn’t sleep like that. Right now, I feel like I’m moving through sand. Since I will be leaving you “shortly” today, I will leave you with a preview for the “List of 50 women over 60 years old that men should f@#k” -
Linda Thompson - 60
I have the list already set and ready: 50 women and a few honorable mentions. But Linda Thompson had to show up to the 60 club this week. Linda is best known nowadays for being ex-wife of Bruce Jenner and in that marriage giving birth to lovable Californian playboys Brandon and Brody Jenner. Linda was also quite the forgettable actress as well. Nevertheless, Linda Thompson is 60 years old and is women that men should want to fuck.
Questions for Friday.
May 26, 2010
Editor’s Note: Thank you to friend and confidant Matthew Gerber, Esquire for today’s insightful post. KSWI is 3 for 3 on these Guest Blogger Wednesdays. Please if you would like to write a Wednesday post send me an email at email@example.com . I promise all blood and semen testing is less painful than advertised. Onto the post…
Hello KSWI Readers,
My plan for this guest post was to not have a plan. Then I got kind of nervous when I saw that Jordan had so many commenters, and thought that maybe I should string together a plan. Unfortunately, that thought did not manifest itself into actual action. I am planless. I am working on my own blog (blogdogdotorg.wordpress.com) that focuses on my love of hot dogs, as well as my terrible running career, and that’s like 75% of what I care to write about. So, I am left with no choice but to write about something I am conversational in, and that is my never-ending series of gripes with things happening in porno.
For those of you unfamiliar with Jordan’s blogging past, the elusive Dawgz and myself used to write a semi-frequently updated blog that eventually died of AIDS. My only purpose for bringing up painful ghosts is to point out that I have written about this before. I am pretty mad at porno on a daily basis. I am aware that statement leads the reader to deduce that I watch porn daily. That deduction is correct, so let’s move on and stop judging me. My biggest problem is something that Jordan actually researched when I wrote about it the first time, and it is called the “bob shot”. I am not sure that words can describe how angry this phenomenon makes me. If I was Kristen Stewart, I would do this to the bob shot:
For those unfamiliar, here is my description of the bob shot. Imagine that you are enjoying a sensual adult video, and the position is about to change to the woman sitting down on a couch/chair, and the man is standing up, facing the couch. Then, the camera pans around behind the dude, and you can now see the following things: 1) the dudes back/asshole, 2) the dudes penis from behind, 3) a very small window of the girls vagina. More often than not, the camera is aimed directly into the guys asshole, and maybe 15% of the human skin visible is that of a woman.
Here is my question, in run on sentence form: Why would anybody watching a porno, probably about 90% of whom are dudes, want to watch a scene that focuses the camera into a man’s asshole, and have absolutely no view of the woman’s face or stomach or chest? When the camera pans around to get started on its slow zoom into the guys ass, I get incredibly angry and have either fast forward or turn the video off. My other question is, clearly dudes hate this angle, do girls like it????? Do women like extended shots of a guys ass and back while he is banging??? I don’t really care, because I hate it, but I just want to know if there is a point to this angle.
A similar problem is when they do extreme close-ups on the guy’s face at any point. Why? I mean, I get it, girls watch pornos too, and maybe this is appealing to them, but it makes me want to murder people. I don’t think I’m homophobic but it’s an issue for me to be watching a porno and then out of nowhere be staring at a dude’s face for 30 seconds while I may or may not be attending to my no-no zone. And I don’t just laugh it off. My issue is that my hatred rises to epic levels. I really, really, really get mad. Like “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME???????” mad, which is pretty mad.
Next, I hate loud dudes in pornos. If you are a dude in a porno, and you’re really loud while fucking, or talking too much, the odds of me continuing to watch are zero. How could any straight man possible maintain an erection while listening to a dude screaming random nonsensical porno shit over and over again. It is impossible. If I wanted to experience loud sex with a dude I would have called your grandfather. Yet, it happens over and over again (loud dudes in pornos, I only occasionally have sex with your grandfather). The perfect storm is a dude who will not shut the fuck up while his asshole is being filmed in close up bob shot style. If there is a hell, there is a TV playing a loop of this scene and a chair with restraints that sinners are confined to.
I also hate really long pornos. We live in a time when you can click a random link to a porn clip, and it turns out to be a whole hour long movie. That might seem cool, but porn directors are the masters of wasting time. If a porn is an hour long, the first 15-20 minutes are always a worthless attempt at someone acting, or an interview, or god forbid some kind of plot. Then there’s always about 25 minutes of foreplay, and then the last 20 minutes or so there is actual banging. Listen, I get it, most porn actors think that this is just how they’re going to make some extra money while they are waiting for their legitimate movie career to start. Somehow, though, every person in a porno is the worst actor ever. Well, actually, I have to take that back because the worst actor ever is President Charles Logan from 24, Gregory Itzin:
So, everyone in porno is in a tie for 2nd place as the worst actor in the world. Just because you’re in front of a camera doesn’t mean I want to see you pretend to have a phone conversation pretending to ask your best friend if you can bang her brother. YOU’RE GONNA DO IT ANYWAY!!! I think I’d actually pay to see a movie where a 19 year old girl is sitting on her bed, and the friends brother is outside mowing the lawn shirtless, and the girl calls her friend to ask if she can bang her brother.
Girl: OMG, your brother is so hot, why can’t I bang him??????
Girl: Oh, Ok. Nevermind. You’re a good friend, I won’t bang him.
Stop patronizing your friend with the fake phone call, you’re going to bang her brother because you are of legal age and enjoy exploring your sexuality!!!!!!
Finally, I would like to discuss how terrible porn is once you are ready to put your pants back on. Sometimes I compile a few clips I might get to, time permitting. Often times I am left with a few videos that I didn’t get to, and without fail I instantly delete them. This doesn’t make much sense, because just a few moments ago they “made the cut” of movies I might enjoy. Two minutes ago, I could not wait to watch some random girl get banged, but now I have no interest in even fast forwarding to see what happens. This really has nothing to do with how pornos are made it’s just some strange psychological phenomenon that scientists will have to spend CENTURIES decoding. One day our children will write an advanced college thesis about why porno is great one moment, and terrible the next.
I also get that people have different preferences. There may be someone reading this whose favorite moments of any porno are when they pan around to start shooting the guys ass for the next 10 minutes, or may really be looking forward to when the do a close up on the guy making some retarded face for a while. If you are one of those people, rest assured there is no lack of your favorite porn moments on the internet.
Here are my suggestions, and my knowledge of existing solutions. First, I know some people might say, “If you hate porno so much, just stop watching it!” To that I respond, how dare you. I love porno enough to care, and try to improve it. I know that there are websites and movies that feature only movies that have no men in them. That would totally eliminate the bob shot and dudes yelling during the tender moments. There are also no extreme close ups on dudes’ faces while I might be involved in something private. The problem is that lesbian porn gets boring, and frankly I don’t even mind that there are penises in the room. I don’t even mind close-ups on penises. But asshole and face close-ups have to go. One great development in the porno industry is the POV, or “point of view” shot, which is essentially shot from the dude’s perspective. The POV shot is a sign that we truly can address society’s problems in an effective manner.
Sure there may be some terrible things going on in the world, but people are smart enough to fix them. The economy sucks right now, but I have confidence it will rebound. There have been a ton of natural disasters, but the ship always seems to right itself. And in the same vein, pornos exist that totally eliminate all of the things that piss me off. I won’t rest until a wide breadth of porn exists where males are participating, but only how I see fit. One day I will open a school where our motto is “Men in pornos should be seen, unless they are being shot from behind or it’s a closeup of their face, and not heard.” That will be a great day in American history, a day we can all be proud of. That day….will be my new Independence Day.
May 25, 2010
Editor aka Me’s note: If these pictures of Kristen Stewart needed a soundtrack I would choose the song “Legal Tender” by Handsome Furs. Here is them playing it at some radio station. It sounds better on the album. Good album.
Back in the day, Norm MacDonald had a stand-up joke talking about waking up in the middle of a great dream and then trying to go back to sleep to finish that dream. The dream you go back into has similarities to the first dream, but they’re a bit disturbed. To paraphrase the joke, “In the first dream I was in a pool with Christie Brinkley and in the second dream I was playing pool with David Brinkley.” ZING!
Personally, I did not get a chance to see what randomness my brain would bring to my initial dream which was incredible although as most dreams do it is slowly slipping from my very memory at this moment like the stench of a hot dog fart in a passing wind. Either way, is there an Asian equivalent of Christie Brinkley who similarly could be humorously replaced by an Asian David Brinkley? Who knows and having to wake up to write this post for y’all is what is stopping us all from finding out.
Lastly, if you are too young to get the references in that joke of David and Christie Brinkley (they’re twins, right? Fraternal of course) then Google the motherfuckers. They’re good people to know. And if you are old and are wondering why I even get the damn Norm MacDonald joke, take into consideration that joke is from a stand-up special he did in 1991 which I saw in 1991 and I got the joke then too. I was 8. I am also a good example that reincarnation or at the very least the passing of one soul who has already roamed the Earth for many years has now somehow ended up as or apart of the psyche of a new human being. What the fuck was an 8 year old doing watching Norm MacDonald stand-up comedy? Don’t 8 year olds play with sticks and mud or something.
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I have not mentioned anything about Ms. Kristen Stewart being attached to the movie adaptation of Jack Kerouac’s On the Road. I think at first it was fear that if I talked about it then it would disappear and cease to exist. That is wildly self-centered of myself to believe I have that much sway or any sway – I’m virtually swayless. Nevertheless, I was excited to read that. This will be a great opportunity for Mrs. Kristen Stewart and I wish her all the best.
As selfishly as I thought I could destroy this movie by merely whispering its name, I’m excited for the movie because it will be a Mr. Kristen Stewart movie that I’m actually looking forward to seeing instead of seeing it just to see how the little “tyke” of a post-teen starlet does. I love On the Road. Love it. Generally speaking I do think On the Road is a guys’ book. It is written from a guy’s perspective and it focuses on two subjects: hooking up with chicks and being friends with other guys. I’m not saying girls cannot like it, but first and foremost On the Road is written for the male gender and in particular the non-gay romantic ones.
But but butt butts, I am looking forward to Dr. Kristen Stewart finally working with … oh… damn it… what is the phrase… hmmmm… it has not happened in awhile… fuck… oh I got it – a GOOD DIRECTOR. Ahhhh yes. That is usually what separates good films from just about every other movie you’ve ever seen in your life: the director. The source material is excellent for On the Road, but the source material is pretty good for a lot of movies and they do not turn out well. Like at all. The source material can only get a movie so far especially if they hire a bad director who takes a hatchet to the script.
Walter Salles has been attached to direct On the Road for several years now. I remember when they first announced it I believe Colin Farrell was rumored to play Dean Moriarty and I believe Jake Gyllenhaul was rumored to play Sal. Anyway, obviously that isn’t happening. Do people even remember who Colin Farrell is? That’s how long ago Walter Salles was attached to make this movie. It’s like 150 years ago! I was thoroughly shocked to read any update about the movie because there was such a void of information about it for so long that I was speechless when I read Kristen Stewart, D.D.S. was in it. I was also speechless because I was alone at the time and had no one besides the Matrix to talk to and we had a fight.
I have faith in Walter Salles because of one movie: The Motorcycle Diaries. If you have not seen The Motorcycle Diaries then you clearly waste your life. Oh I haven’t seen it because I have kids and raising them- BULLSHIT. You haven’t seen The Motorcycle Diaries because you are an avid viewer of Chuck or Law & Order or something else that eats up all your free time and you never think of watching a movie instead. The Motorcycle Diaries is an excellent film and even better it is a film about two buddies traveling, which is essentially what On the Road is.
Walter Salles is a serious director and is the most serious director that Lt. Col. Kristen Stewart has dealt with since Sean Penn. This is good. This is great actually. I am not an actor nor have I been in the acting business unless you consider pretending to laugh at peoples jokes acting. I am not an actor, but I believe that to become a great actor or to at least get better as an actor one must work with better actors than themselves and work with great directors. Sadly, Kristen hit a patch of movies where she was not working with good directors and not working with good actors either. If you want to be a better basketball player then you need to play against better basketball players.
As for the other 3 actors who have been mentioned, I’m not sold on them. I don’t know who Sam Riley is and when I look up his previous movies I see I did see him in the movie Control, but I didn’t like Control. That’s not his fault per say, but you get my point that I have little to go on with “Sam” “Riley”. Garret Hedlund is a decent enough actor and I have thought he’s been pretty good in most stuff I’ve seen him in, but Dean Moriarty? This will be interesting. The most memorable character in On the Road is Dean Moriarty. He is the best friend, the rival, the muse and that is a lot for a young actor who has not done a whole lot to take on. Again, I’m putting my faith into Walter Salles and his vision. Finally, Kristen Dunst is also attached. I have nothing disparaging to say about Ms. Dunst. I don’t really think she could ruin the movie if she tried and I doubt she will try.
Big Chief Kristen Stewart’s role in On the Road is that of a female character. Shocking. Pretty much all the chicks in On the Road, outside of the Mexican share cropper Sal gets hooked up with, are in love with Dean Moriarty. They’re transfixed by him. They know he isn’t good for them because he cheats on them, disappears on them, forgets to call them, decides to live in a new city and get married to someone else on them. Nevertheless, they all are wide eyed in want over Dean and I believe Kristen Stewart is the right jezabel for the job. An unexplainable, unbreakable, uncorruptable longing for Dean is what Kristen will need to portray. Also, she’ll need to get all emo at points when Dean breaks her heart over and over. I think Kristen will do just fine.
Ostensibly, I have always wanted On the Road to be turned into a mini-series for HBO or Showtime. The story of On the Road is not a nice three act story. It moves around and has peaks and valleys. The first 30 some odd pages is one big false start. They travel cross country several times and Dean leaves Sal several times to only meet up with him again several other times. Sal ends up living on the side of a road picking cotton with some Mexican girl he met on a bus. And then the finale of the book is at a strip show in Mexico where one buddy bangs an underage girl. It is a scrolling tale and not a nice arched story.
The book is written like a television show with chapters having cliffhanger endings like an episodic show. Also, as far as visually or even texturally, the feel, or simply how the story should look, I think TV makes even more sense. Films are uniform with their boldness. TV looks cheaper and that can be a strength. Films are grand and hyperbolic. TV can be closer to the Earth in humility. It’s hard to just say in words, but there is a palpable difference between a movie and a television show and how they look (single camera to single camera, I’m not talking about live audiences or anything) and that cheaper look that TV provides I think would be a benefit to On the Road because it is not grand or epic on the scale of a movie, but it is grand or epic to a common life and I think TV could capture that better.
Whatever. Just get inside my head already and see how I’m seeing it in my head and you’ll see I’m right.
May 24, 2010
My iPhone tells me it is Monday. It also tells me a free market economy is a pipe dream. My iPhone frightens me. I think it watches me while I sleep. Anyway, today’s Monday is a bit of a different variety: GUEST POST. This wasn’t planned, and like most pregnancies it is also glorious and disgusting.
Today’s guest poster is the Dawgz. Exciting! Dawgz is a bit of a runner. Not like a coward, but with purpose and for predetermined distances. Saturday morning, for whatever reason, he decided that he would run a half-marathon in BK, NY and if you haven’t listened to enough rap music in your life that stands for Brooklyn, New York. This half-marathon was quite an experience for Dawgz. Even stranger than volunteering to run for 13 some odd miles consecutively, Dawgz works on the weekend. Nuts, right? “Nuts” as in crazy. At work, Dawgz wrote up his delightful Saturday morning in graphic detail and sent it out to his friends including myself.
Below the story has been copy and pasted word for word. That was a terrible decision by me. I later realized I could have copy and pasted the whole thing at once instead of literally word by word. Oh jokes!
Of course, I – KaySWidgeIzzle – need to wax on and off for a moment even more so than I already have done. The main topic I want to lightly touch-on to massage just for a moment with firm, but gentle fingers as if to relieve the tension from a spasming muscle. Said topic: Lost series finale.
I am/was a fan of Lost. I too watched the finale with heavy anticipation. I have written several times about Lost on this blog. If I recall correctly, I did write about one episode this season when Desmond, Charlie and Daniel discover their constants – their links between the two worlds. I mentioned that Lost was getting romantic on us. As most stories are, Lost is a love story. This final season of Lost in particular was about love – people refinding their one true loves. The series finale was no different and continued on a path about love and in the end the show culminates in the majority of the characters finding each other because they all love each other. Over a treacherous island, through different time periods, and, finally, in the after-life they reunite because they love each other. It would be downright cynicism – just downright dying your hair black, wearing black, sitting in a room with black cloth over each lamp, writing with black ink on black paper, and rhyming final syllables morbidly about loathing fireworks – to not think that is beautiful. And a bit sappy.
I liked the finale. My favorite character was Jack. He is an Atticus Finch type. I thought the show ended very sweetly with him re-entering the bamboo forest where the show started with him. And I fucking definitely cried a few tears when Vincent appeared and laid down next to Jack. They truly are man’s best friend…. and now I’m crying again.
If I ever go rogue (which is apparently very possible) and begin a militaristic coup to start my own totalitarian dictatorship of the Northern territories, my weak point is dogs… and Scarlett Johansson. Damn you, Johansson! I tried watching He’s Just Not That Into You and I didn’t understand it at all. Why doesn’t Bradley Cooper leave his wife like instantly!?! It’s the Johanssonator and she’s beating down his front door… and trying to beat something else of his, if you know what I mean! I’m kidding. I really didn’t get the point of that movie besides relationships be rough. Also, the movie continued the unexplainable Kevin Connolly phenomenon. Why are women sleeping with him? I don’t remember a slew of leprechaun movies and books where a 115 year old virginal leprechaun falls in love with an underage thoroughly average and listless high school girl where Kevin Connolly plays that virginal leprechaun bad boy with a hero complex.
Anyway, onto the words of the Dawgz (which is where I got the title of this post):
Nobody is going to believe me and nobody should, but I tell you all that I was cruising through the first 9 miles. My breathing was comfortable. My legs felt tremendous. My form, as to be expected, was perfect. In a moment of hubris I thought that taming this half-marathon would be easy and, just like Icarus, this foolhardy disregard for the limits of my nature would be my downfall.
I kept thinking, ” 78 minutes through 9, your ahead of schedule KB.” My goal was simple, average 9 minute miles and come in comfortably under 2 hours. At this moment my pace was 8:40 a mile. The morning sun was emerging from behind the early clouds, a breeze swept through the Ocean Parkway, spectators were cheering and I felt great, but then I hit THE WALL.
The Wall started innocently enough. I felt a slight unease in my stomach and immediately upon recognizing the feeling I noted to Alyse that, “I have to take a monster shit.” It was probably just the natural digestive tract of my morning coffee and banana and I decided that I would deal with it in due time after the run was done. Yet my festering deuce would not adhere to this best laid plan and I quickly began to consider the seemingly imminent possibility that I was going to shit my pants, on the streets of Brooklyn, surrounded by thousands of people. This is when I began to frantically search out the nearest port-o-john. Thankfully I spotted one and dashed to it. After taking care of business, I thought I was back on track, little did I know the Wall doesn’t necessarily begin at dizzying heights. It is more of a gradual incline that accumulates inches, which turn to feet, which turn to yards, which translate into a gradual multiplication of obstacles that will eventually all add up to insurmountable pain.
As I passed the 9.5 mile mark, any belief that my unpleasant internal feelings would be allayed by a simple bodily movement were completely debunked. In rapid succession my thighs, calves, stomach and chest all began to cramp. The agony of athletic glory had arrived and I was unprepared. Bravely, I kept going, but my pace was gone and any quaint belief that I would finish this race with any type of time consideration had evaporated. It was now a war of attrition. I was now more concerned with survival.
After stumbling through the 10 mile mark and pounding numerous cups of Gatorade Fuel, I could barely move. Barely lifting one foot after another I shouldered on repeating in my head “only a 5K left, only a 5K left be brave damn it be Brave!” But finally the limits of my mental and physical toughness were reached. I threw my hands on my hips and walked. I maybe walked 25 feet before I began running again, but for a runner in a race this was the ultimate sign of humilitation, or at least I thought so at the time.
As I approached the 11 mile mark my entire left side, from rib cage to ankle, had become one large cramp. Trying to alleve the cramp I again chugged numerous cups of Gatorade Fuel ( the liquid hydrating stands were located at each mile marker) and this proved to be a very, very bad move. As I left the refueling area I started to cough and this coughing quickly turned into a rather painful session of vomiting on the side of a major highway in America’s grandest city. People looked on, commenting among themselves as nearby I heaved up a combination of coffee, water, Gatorade and not to mention parts of my dignity and my soul. In normal times I would have told these hecklers to all go fuck themselves but the only response I could muster in my feeble state was a languid wipe of my mouth to remove the excessive saliva that was dangling from my lip.
The last two miles were a blur. I seem to remember looking over at the people cheering with great contempt and then somehow I ended up shirtless on the Coney Island boardwalk. I do not remember taking my shirt off at all. As I crossed the finish line I immediately fell on the boardwalk. A stranger and Alyse carried my lifeless body away from the finish line as I mumbled nonsensically and tried with all my wits not to black out. I laid on the old wood of one of America’s iconic amusement areas for a long time, just listening to the people pass, while trying desperately to capture new life on the shores of the old Atlantic.
Eventually I go to my feet, chastened, exhausted, and I hoped a little wiser. The Brooklyn Half MARATHON was an unequivocal reminder that although fortune my favor the bold, it ultimately respects the humble.
You have all been warned.
May 21, 2010
FRIDAY! It is beautiful out from what I can tell. And by tell, I mean it is sunny, hot and there are not hail bricks falling from the sky like the interwebz video passed around earlier this week. Being unemployed has lead me to the conclusion that although I still operate on a Monday – Friday and then the weekend life schedule, but clearly I do not need to. Not too much difference between a Tuesday and a Saturday for me.
Answering questions… Hmmmm… there were not many of them this week. I really only noticed four questions, so I’ll answer them. I’ll also interrupt my answering of questions with music videos for the fuck of it.
Kristen Stewart vs. a Liger
Kristen Stewart wins. Are you kidding me? If the Liger is allowed to use its magical powers then Kristen is allowed to use the WANT. Unless we’re saying we are dropping both of them off on that island from X-Men where they can’t use their powers and Professor X has use of his legs there. In that case, if the island could stop the Liger from having its magical powers then the Liger would be FUCKED. That island can’t stop the WANT! Are you shitting me? The Want has no end. It cannot be stopped! It has no limits. It has no weakness. It smells like a phoenix’s orgasm. It tastes like victory over the Luftwaffe. Its touch is of warm ice cubes washing over ones eyes and genitals pouring out of the mouth of a mastodon. So you tell me? How dare thee forsake the WANT? A liger!?! Pffftt…
Kristen Stewart’s want pisses on ligers. Pisses on them real good.
^^^ Amazing band – The National. Their new album is amazing as well. Probably my favorite single and video so far this year.
Kristen Stewart on The Hills?
Immediately there would be a lot more WANT on the show. For the most part, all the people on The Hills have vacant looks in their eyes. It is California so they’re laid back, they’re rich as hell so they’re laid back, they have absolutely no responsibilities in life so they’re laid back, everything in life has been given to them so they’re laid back and they’re on a TV show simply about how interesting and wonderful they are as human beings so they’re laid back. Also, at no point in time has anyone ever said they want them to use their brains to figure something out or come up with an opinion on something, so those brains are on vacation and have been and will continue to be.
Kristen will add at least that overwhelming desire in her eyes. The rest of them more or less look like they are sleep walking through their fabulous and fabulously boring lives of opulence. I was trying to explain yesterday that is one of the reasons why this Spencer Pratt thing is so phenomenal because it is on The Hills which has almost zero energy in it.
I’m not sure Kristen Stewart would change The Hills too much. The editors on that show have cleverly deleted any scenes of these people chain smoking, doing coke, and getting fall down wasted which is all reported in the US Weeklys or PerezHilton’s all the time. Everyone says Kristin Cav-I’m not looking it up-ilari loves cocaine only a little less than Sigmund Freud, but I don’t see that on The Hills. So whatever craziness that Kristen Stewart could add to the show they will just quietly edit it out.
I don’t think Kristen Stewart would change The Hills, but The Hills would change her – Kristen Stewart would have sex with Brodie Jenner. Everyone has sex with Brodie Jenner on that show. That would happen. Maybe Rob gets pissed and tries to get tough with Brodie, but neither Rob or Brodie can fight so it is a lot of pushing. Finally, Lamar Odom from the Los Angeles Lakers needs to intervene in their epic shoving match because Lamar Odom is Khloe Kardashian’s husband who is also Brodie Jenner’s step-sister.
^^^ I don’t understand this type of music in the least. I hate The Streets and that type of music. This reminds me of it. Nevertheless, I’m still posting the video because I love saying her name “Uffie”. What are you listening to nowadays? A lot of Uffie. What inspires you? Probably Uffie.
Fist Pumping for Love – Will I watch it?
Well that explains a lot. I met that asshole from Fist Pumping for Love when I met Snooki. He was with her at the Arnold Classic in Ohio. He was about as wide as he was tall and he blew me off when I tried to talk to him. He didn’t “blow me”. I didn’t say that. I didn’t say that when I tried to talk to him he just dropped to his knees… actually he was short enough to do it standing… that he just unzipped me and went to town. I said he “blew me off”. That doesn’t sound a whole lot better. It just sounds like he “completed” the “job”, am I right? What have been getting at this whole time is that when I tried a little small talk with him to set him at ease because he looked crazy intense for no apparent reason that instead of acting like a decent human being and answering he instead rolled his eyes and pretended like it didn’t happen. Fair enough, buddy. Continue having the claim to fame of being Snooki’s ex-boyfriend. I’m sure that will all pay off.
As for the show, I probably won’t watch it out of principle. It is hard to tell from this website, but I really don’t watch a lot of reality television. Any reality television I have watched I write about because it usually confounds me to the core. Also, if I do watch reality TV it is randomly. I do have a schedule of TV shows that I watch or keep track of and The Ultimate Fighter is the only reality TV show on it. Of course, when Jersey Shore season 2 starts that will be there as well.
^^^ Referring to yesterday’s post about “Good” insanity. This about as genius as “Good” insanity gets. I have no clue where the joke begins and ends with these people, but it is brilliant regardless.
Is that little KSWI Jordan in that picture behind the Michael Jordan signed baseball?
Nope. Sorry to get all the hope you invested in that being me. I know it was probably a lot. It is soul crushing to find out that it wasn’t me. That is a picture of Dawgz as a tike with Don Shula. I have never written out the word “tike” before. Usually the word “little” precedes it. He’s just a little tike. It keeps popping up that it is not a word spell check. It’s slang I’m guessing. But remember, I’m not saying “kike” which for whatever reason is in the spell check and is also a racial epithet for the Jewish persuasion. I’m not saying that Dawgz as a child was anti-semetic and dressed up as a Jewish stereotype and met Hall of Fame coach Don Shula. I’m not saying that. I’m saying he was just a little guy and he met the coach. It’s not me in the picture.
I would like to ask a question of my own to y’all the readers. We had discussed a month ago or maybe two months ago the band the Temper Trap and specifically their song “Love Lost”.
My question is: Did any television show use this song in their season/series finale episode? This song is utterly perfect for the closing montage of a season finale. I watched some of the Grey’s Anatomy season finale last night to see if they would use it. It literally couldn’t be any more perfect for a season finale for that type of show. It wasn’t in the episode from what I saw. Maybe Private Practice?
If I had a TV show like that I wouldn’t think of using any other song for the cliffhanger montage sequence right before the closing credits of that season to keep you waiting for the next season than this song. Seriously, it would be perfect for that “I just remembered I love HER!” moments and they need to run and then someone else is dying and someone else is delivering a baby and someone is crying and so forth.
So, has anyone used the song? Go forth and find out my lovely commenters.
Have a great weekend.