Quick Picks On This Wednesday…

I was contacted by someone to write a guest post article for this Wednesday and I have not heard from said someone since. Instead, I’ll mention a few things, so I don’t feel like guilty that I didn’t post anything to the 2 of you who read this website still.

1. http://www.twitter.com/jordan_is_ok

That is my twitter account as you should already know and should be reading. I’m not going to lie, I think I say some funny shit on there from time to time. My main critique of my twitter account is I don’t post enough pictures. Although, I might be biased because I might like pictures more than most people. My eyes really like to be used. They hate not being used.

2. Enemy Mine

For those of you who get high and like to watch wild movies when high – I thoroughly suggest this movie. Or if you don’t get high (jeez stop bragging about it because you’ll just hurt the feelings of the other people who use drugs as a crutch) and like to watch wild movies sober – I still thoroughly suggest this movie. It is currently on “watch instantly” on Netflix. A brief summary of the movie, Dennis Quaid and Louis Gossett Jr. play enemy space fighter pilots who crash land on a foreign planet and learn to become friends to survive on the planet. Did I forget to mention that Louis Gossett Jr. is an alien that looks like this…

And…

He…

Gives…

Birth!!!!

Yes! You read that correctly. At some point in the movie, Louis Gossett Jr. becomes a pregnant alien and then later gives birth to an alien baby. So it is Wing Commander meets Cast Away meets Junior. Amazing.

Also, I would imagine if you are high while watching this movie you will find alien Louis Gossett Jr.’s speech patterns to be the funniest thing ever.

3. Claymore

I read Japanese comic books aka manga. I am a nerd. Nevertheless, I think you all should read Claymore. It is one of my favorite mangas and it is an almost entirely female cast. Mostly, vagina havers end up on this site and yes it is pandering to think that you would only want to read about about fictional vagina havers, but who cares. It is still an amazing manga. The premise: there are human eating werewolf demons in the world named “Yoma” that prey on people. The only thing that can kill them are an organization of half-women half-yoma who carry around enormous swords. The women use these swords and their demon power to kill the baddies, but if they use to much of their power then they’ll become even worse man eating monsters. The story becomes more complicated as it goes on, but no spoilers from me.

The manga is violent. No mistake about that. And sexual and disturbing at times. But what isn’t these days, am I right? I really love the artistry of it all. It is in black and white like all manga, but their use of the black and white and their use of light detail and heavy detail is incredible.

Like most mangas, the series starts off pretty slow and simple and gets better. I do like the early stuff, but I think the show really starts to get going when the character of Teresa is introduced and from then on it gets better and better and better and better.

This next couple sentences will be in code, so the authorities do not catch me:

Don’t Google “Claymore manga”. Don’t! Don’t click on the link to a website with the words “manga” and “reader” and “.net”. Don’t do that. Seriously, don’t do it.

4. German ram

It’s a fish.

I was surprised too. I thought “German ram” would be a “ram” from “Germany” or at least had German lineage or spoke German or was a ram that was very structured, organized, intimidating because it may invade its neighbor’s borders and put them in concentration camps, makes great cars and beer.

But no, it is a fish.

Supposedly, they have breathing problems.

5. Andrew Cuomo will win, but… who doesn’t want to vote for this guy!?!

By the way, Jimmy McMillan is an amazing human being and all, but I’m surprised no one is mentioning that there was a former madam aka a female pimp on stage as well saying hysterical things.

6. Gundam Wing

I’m rewatching it. It’s a Japanese cartoon series about giant robots that people pilot for war purposes. What?

Anybody have any random interests they want to mention that people should be getting into?

I Can’t Believe I’m Going To Talk Baseball

There is this little known and watched sport nowadays that is deep into its post season playoffs and it is called “baseball”. You may have heard of it in the news because everyone is on steroids. Who wins and loses is wildly irrelevant it would seem because we all suspect that they are using performance enhancing drugs and the game is still mildly interesting at best. Now, they tried to rid the sport of these drugs and in doing so removed all the excitement that had been existing in the sport as juiced up dinosaurs of our youth were still hitting homeruns. Now there is a cavalcade of young talent that don’t look like superstars and no one seems to care.

It doesn’t help any that baseball’s playoffs are up against the NFL. As baseball tries to hold the attention of its fans amid controversy for the past several years, football has only gotten more successful. More players are household names, more parity in the league, and just the basic game of football lends itself to be a more enjoyable game to be watched on television. Football is a sport that is about intensity. Even basketball has amped up intensity in the game without the glaring question of its legitimacy. Baseball is by-and-large a lax sport because of 162 games over those lazy Summer months. They’re the boys of Summer and their championship is almost into Winter nowadays. It is spread too thin.

Nevertheless, baseball’s first recorded game with codified rules took place about a mile from where I’m sitting and I think I should at least talk about it some. Right now, your professional baseball playoffs are between:

National League

San Francisco Giants vs. Philadelphia Phillies

Shocked? I am a little bit. The Phillies have become a powerful club in the recent recent years. Before that, there was quite a gap of success. The 90′s and much of the 2000′s were not kind to the Phillies of Philly. As for the Giants, they’re kind of the Cinderella team of this year. I know very little about the Giants and would have trouble naming more than 2 guys on the team. But this series tied 1-1 and they will be playing the third game of this series in a few hours actually. That’s another thing about baseball – there is a playoff game starting at 4pm on a Tuesday. Who the fuck is watching baseball at 4pm on a Tuesday in the second half of October? It’s chilly outside in Philly, so why are they playing this stupid sport still.

Truthfully, I’m not sure I care who wins this National league series. The Phillies won a World Series not long ago and lost another even less time ago. Do they need to go for round 3? In my opinion, it really doesn’t matter to me. The Giants haven’t been to a World Series since… 2002? What? Holy fuck do I not remember that World Series. Seriously, the Giants played the Angels in a World Series in 2002? Wow. I bet you could fit all the people who watched that World Series in a 747 and fly them back to “who gives a fuck”-ville where that Series must’ve taken place. And they lost it too. The Giants haven’t won a World Series since 1954, which arguably means you have an AARP card if you remember a second of it.

Wow, so the NL is whoever. I seriously hope whoever the better team is wins because I don’t even know. I do know that the Phillies have a much vaunted pitching rotation with Halladay and Hamels specifically, but even I know who Oswalt and Lidge are. Ok, I just looked over the Giants roster and I know Tim Lincecum and Pat “The Bat” Burrell. I think I know Aaron Rowand as well. But not Biblically like the others. Either way, let’s hope one of them wins.

American League

New York Yankess vs. Texas Rangers

I hate the Yankees. Hate ‘em. I hate them because I’m from the New York area and I’m not a fan. If you are not a fan of the Yankees and you live near New York then you are forced to hate the Yankees. The Yankees fans of this world are zealots. They are zealots who do not care about whether or not you will ever become a Yankees fan. They do not want to convince you to become a Yankees fan. They are not looking for conversion. In all honesty, because you are not a Yankees fan already – you’re an idiot to them and lesser than. How much more could the Yankees have done to convince you already, so at this point you’re just a buffoon for not being a Yankees fan. The Yankees are the greatest and they are fans of the greatest and with that they themselves are the greatest. They are like miniature kings or person’s of power because they wear that NY on their baseball cap.

So I dislike them with great intensity.

And I’m not rooting for Alex Rodriguez ever. Even if he was the sole representative in an inter-stellar exhibition between aliens of the galaxy of Nebulon 5 versus Alex Rodriguez the embodiment of the humanity of Earth – I would root for the aliens. And Jeter *shrugs*. Whatever. He’s great. He’s more than great. Who cares. He’s never captured the attention or been beloved by anyone who doesn’t just live or die by the pinstripe. His greatness doesn’t transcend. He’s the best baseball player of his generation and I’m more jealous of him for Minka Kelly than any of the rest. He is a boring interview, is pretty personality-less and he even comes across as unslightly bland because he didn’t take steroids when all the cool kids were taking steroids.

I’m rooting for the Texas Rangers.

Not a shock, right? I’m rooting for the Texas Rangers for 3 reasons. Well, 3 reasons outside of that reason above I mentioned with me not wanting to see the Yankees win.

#1. Josh Hamilton

Josh Hamilton is only a couple years older than me and he has seen and done many things that have aged him a hundred fold. Let me give you an example, I have spent countless hours raising chocobos in the videogame Final Fantasy VII to eventually breed a gold chocobo, so I could obtain the ultimate summon spell “Knights of the Round Table”. Where as Josh Hamilton, has spent countless hours doing hardcore drugs in an abandoned camper with homeless junkies. Just for clarification, a “chocobo” is a fictional animal that looks like a cuter version of an ostrich that one can ride like a horse and sometimes has the gift of flight. We have lived different lives.

Josh Hamilton was a phenomenal baseball prospect who at the age of 20 was in a car accident that sidelined him from baseball for a month and in that period of time he tried alcohol and cocaine for the first time and took to it like it was the missing link in his life. He lost several years to drugs and alcohol, but thankfully gave it up through faith and rehab. Since, 2006 Josh has been in the MLB showing off his incredible gift for baseball. He is easily one of the best players in the game and storyline wise is one of the most interesting.

To try and prevent Josh from backsliding, he doesn’t carry around much money, he isn’t allowed to drive by himself, he has no credit cards in his name, and the team hired an older gentleman to travel with Josh, eat with Josh and pray with Josh. The team even used ginger ale as their celebration liquid of choice to spray on each other instead of champagne when they beat the Rays in the last series because of Josh’s past. Everyone loves a story at redemption and he’s the best one we got.

#2. Ron Washington

On the complete flipside, I love the Texas Rangers’ manager Ron Washington because of his drug habits. Josh quit drugs, meanwhile Ron Washington was caught for using cocaine at the beginning of this season. Ron Washington is 58 years old, has a thin mustache, gray hair, and is an even tempered baseball manager for the Texas Rangers … and he does COCAINE!

Hahahaha, can you believe this guy did cocaine in the past year?! How amazing is that? It is not surprising if Josh Hamilton did cocaine. I mean there are a lot of people in the world who like cocaine and would want to do cocaine with a young millionaire All-star baseball player. But the manager? No one wants to do cocaine with Joe Torre or Jim Leyland. And it is crazy to think that Ron Washington was doing cocaine this year. That’s too funny. He is 58 years old and managing a team for America’s pasttime and he’s doing cocaine? 58 years old is too damn old to be doing cocaine. It’s a drug for the young and not an accomplished older gentlemen like Ron Washington.

Ron Washington was a professional baseball player in the 80′s so sure – he has done cocaine. But Ron Washington has played baseball in over 20 years! And he is still doing the stuff? Hahahahah, could you imagine? He wasn’t even that good of baseball player either. It’s not like he was even a famous baseball player. I can’t imagine he bought cocaine. I just can’t imagine it. Someone had to have offered him cocaine. I can’t see Ron Washington at 58 years old deciding he needed to purchase cocaine. He only had 414 hits in 12 years of professional baseball experience! That humbled man doesn’t buy cocaine.

I would bet Ron Washington was drinking at a club. Drinking bottled beers or maybe a few old man drinks like a Rob Roy. He was out that night with a friend from the old days who never grew up. A friend who really Ron Washington shouldn’t be hanging out with anymore at 58 years old. A man that Ron Washington thought may have changed. But he hadn’t. And that man brought cocaine to the party. After enough, suds and spirits in old Ron and hours of prodding by that old friend he convinced Ron it was the 1985 and he did some cocaine. The night just got away from the old man.

Nevertheless, Ron Washington at 58 years old had to give an apology speech at the beginning of this season which was bewildering and hysterical. And clearly he is good at his job since his team is here and up 2-1 on the Yankees.

#3. Nolan Ryan

Today, Nolan Ryan is part owner and acting President of the Texas Rangers. For the tenure of my love of baseball and for almost two decades prior to that, Nolan Ryan was an undeniable force in professional baseball. I loved baseball for the first 10 years of my life and during that time and during the period of time mentioned before that, Nolan Ryan was a freight train. He was a pyschopath as a starting pitcher.

Nolan Ryan won a World Series 3 years into his career and then played another 24 years without one. He generally played for garbage baseball teams where he was a lone gun slinger up there throwing 100mph heat flying at all cylinders. He has a ridiculously stupid amount of strikeouts and was simply a beast as a pitcher and was always a villainous character, which is probably why he never got a Cy Young trophy. And at the same time, he has more walks than any other pitcher by a stupid amount as well.

With all the fan fare for Brett Favre (as there should be), Nolan Ryan was there first. Favre is throwing it and has been throwing it forever. He has 80+ more touchdowns than anyone else and at the same time he has more fumbles and interceptions than anyone else. He is out there with the ball in his hands making decisions and just won’t stop. Same went for Nolan Ryan. He was throwing with reckless abandon for way too long. No one’s arm should have been able to throw that much power for that long of a period of time. Just a never say die, burly, humorless, angry pitcher who just fired the ball with all his might like a damn cannon forever.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/133074/top_ten_baseball_fights/

Plus it is hysterical when the Rangers are playing at home and they cut to a shot of Nolan Ryan and George Dubya Bush sitting together. It’s W. It’s like he was never President. The Democrats mention him more than the Republicans do. He’s just doing what he did before he was the most powerful man on Earth for 8 years, he’s watching his Rangers play ball.

Remember Those Friday Questions? I did

Today is Monday, but I’m answering Friday questions. Crazy! I hope you can handle all the insanity. To help you through this transition, I thought a pretty face would lend to a calming presence. I have picked Jessica Pare who plays the gorgeous secretary Megan on Mad Men who will also be Don Draper’s new wife in the next season seemingly, as the two of them got engaged in last night’s season finale. Jessica is very pretty and looks like the sexy and impossible love child of Liv Tyler and Anne Hathaway.

I’m not a licensed doctor/scientist, so I’m not sure if Anne Hathaway and Liv Tyler can produce a love child. But I am pretty much an “honorary” doctor/scientist/street car race champion, so I think we should have Anne Hathaway and Liv Tyler try and try and try to produce a love child. We should video tape all these attempts and I will keep those tapes and review them constantly and make suggestions for each next attempt.

Also, if you would like to see Jessica topless (which is rhetorical statement I know) just google pictures/video of Jessica specifically from Hot Tub Time Machine. And she was also naked in another movie called Stardom. Also, also, she is naked in another movie and she might be naked in another movie and she makes out with Piper Perabo in another movie and she might be naked in that as well. Seriously, when is this girl receiving her gold medal for humanity?

I really loved Mad Men this season. They added a lot of more comedy to the show as well as showing a more human/sensitive side to most of the characters. I think one can safely say that one learned a lot about each of the characters this season – especially about their personal life. Hopefully, this new zombie show will be good because I have given up Boardwalk Empire. If anyone is still watching that show and something interesting actually happens on it (like if Nucky Thompson gets super powers) then tell me, but if not then I am glad to not be watching the show anymore.

Bored to Death and Eastbound & Down are still excellent… as well as FOOTBALL!

OH! Friday questions. hmmm let me think…

Do you think the Verizon iPhone is every gonna happen? And if it’s not out by January when my contract is up what smart phone from Verizon should I get?

Yes, I think that the Verizon iPhone is going to happen. I’m viewing this whole “smart phone”/”phone provider” problem much like the video game dilemma of a video game/video game system. There was a period of time when games stayed exclusive for one system like Halo and Xbox. For a long time, the video game companies sided between one system over the others and would keep their games exclusive for that system and stay loyal to that system. But at some point, someone realized that a game can get more exposure and make more money if it was released for both systems. For instance, BioShock was originally just an Xbox game, but if you waited a year then it came out on PS3 as well. I think that’s what will eventually happen with the iPhone. Right now, I think they are just churning up people’s intense interest for the iPhone who are on different service providers than AT&T and when iPhone’s are made available finally for the others, there will be a calculated mass attack on all stores offering cellphones as if Verizon and Sprint customers were the rage zombies in 28 Days Later.

Hmmm… well, I have an iPhone, so I really don’t know about these other “smart phones”. I will say this that I’m sick of calling my phone “smart”. It really seems that we’re throwing that word around pretty loosely these days. I know people with Blackberrys and Droids. I have heard good things and bad things about all of them. If I couldn’t have an iPhone, I would probably get a droid because it does seem very similar. It also seems the cool kids have Droids.

And with that, deciding which kid is cool because of their cellphone means this generations has NO COOL KIDS. Class of ’83 still rules, motherfuckers!

Does that fact that my bffs and I had a totally serious discussion about buying cars, car loans, interest rates, and taxes mean we are finally grown ups?

Does it mean you are finally grown ups? No, not necessarily. It does mean you and your bffs are boring. Hahahahahahah… Like all things in life – the end justifies the means – so if you learned something from the conversation or helped someone else with that conversation than all is good. Also, if the conversation ended and you all agreed to get Four Loko drunk and make bad decisions that would be great stories to laugh about once the police trial was over instead of talking about boring stuff like car insurance than sure that’s ok.

What is you favorite Sesame Street skit of all time?

No idea. Feel free to tell me yours with a youtube clip of it attached. Did you know that muppets were originally a serious of pipes that were painted on in the NBC basement done by Jim Henson and some other illustrators? They had to be the highest on acid. There is no way that a sober employee would venture to the basement, find some exposed pipes, think to themselves “we should paint these as crazy cartoon characters, and then proceed to talk other sober people into doing it, then doing it, then making those creations into workable puppets. That is what druggies do. Again, the end justifies the means.

So the next time you are subject to a drug test at work, turn to your boss and say “Well, you just sealed it now. I’ll never make the next generation of muppets.” And you explain to them you were going to find some old pipes in the basement and paint on them to then create lovable children’s characters that will have an international multi decade following and will teach these kids to read. Then they’ll fire you because even if your piss turns up clean they’ll think you paid someone because you are clearly crazy.

What animal would you most like to receive unexpectedly as a gift, and what animal would you least like to receive?

Same animal: polar bear.

I would love the polar bear like it was a big dog. The polar bear would most likely cover my apartment in its piss, feces, and destructive power. The polar bear may kill me. High probability it would kill someone else. But it would be a fun ride. Literally, a fun ride because I would put a saddle on it and ride it like a slow horse or I would attach a harness to it and it could pull me in a wheeled cart like I was the White Witch in Chronicles of Narnia.

What do you, Jordan, think would be a good food to offer a woman (or man) after a mammogram?

Cupcakes.

I could see a tray offering chocolate cake with vanilla icing and yellow cake with chocolate icing. This not to say “funfetti” could not be offered as well, but that will be up to the particular doctor and their office to make that decision. Just so this conversation could happen…

“I’m getting my mammogram done at Dr. Sanders’ office.”

“Really? I’ve heard only bad things about Dr. Sanders.”

“They have funfetti over there.”

“Well, then. I guess I’m going to have to schedule a mammogram from Dr. Sanders.”

Dr. Sanders – cold to the touch, the equipment might be out of date, but there is FUNFETTI!

It is impossible to be sad while eating cupcakes.

I hope everyone had a great weekend.

What’s up, motherfuckers? Get excited!

A Very Special Episode of the Tonight Show – slideshow

To view this photo slideshow you need to have Flash Player 9 or newer installed and JavaScript enabled. This flash slideshow was created with PhotoSnack photo slideshow maker…. blah blah blah.

A Very Special Episode of The Tonight Show

First, I hope Photobucket isn’t banned in whatever office or prison you are viewing this at because the whole post is on it. Second, I will answer the Friday questions on Monday because this is my damn website and I feel like. I made this and felt like running it today instead of waiting until next week. I also found a website that does slideshows and put it in in a slideshow format, which I will post in a minute. Besides your normal hilarious feedback, please mention if the slideshow worked and if you would want to see more. Thanks. Hope you have a great weekend.

Kristen Stewart Does Battle with Yahoo!’s Top 10

I’ve done this before, so I’m doing it again.

I am taking the top 10 trending topics on Yahoo and I’m going to do two things to them:

1. Gentle kisses.

Actually, scratch that. I will do three things to them:

1. Gentle kisses.

2. Guess why they are trending without looking up why they are actually trending

3. Explain how Kristen Stewart would defeat them in a prison yard shivving contest.

But, before I do – I just wanted to mention that this is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which is why you may be seeing more boobs than usual. Oh man, I hope you are seeing more boobs than usual. Honestly, who is really against that? Just seeing more boobs than usual? That’s like getting a little bit more on your paycheck than usual. And money can’t buy you happiness, but boobs can and boobs you can buy with money. Anyway, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, our planet’s President Barack Obama tweeted thus…

@BarackObama: In support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the White House will be lit pink tonight at 6:30.

That’s nice, but I wish “lit pink” was in quotes like “lit pink” because then I would imagine it was an innuendo for getting crazy sexy drunk. What are you doing tonight, Barack? I’m just having some people over and Michelle and I are planning on getting “lit pink” all night. I think Reggie Love is going to be on the 1′s and 2′s spinning it west coast gangsta’ from 11-4 in the morning.

1. David Arquette

I like Cougartown.

Boom! What’s up now? What the fuck is up now? Like is a strong word, but it definitely isn’t “I don’t like Cougartown” and it definitely isn’t “I never want to see another episode of Cougartown again in my life”. It is more so, “I love Modern Family and I never feel like I need to switch the channel after Modern Family is over because Cougartown ain’t a bad like Outsourced is.” Her ex-husband is funny and Busy Philipps could show up on my doorstep and say, “We’re married forever” and I wouldn’t question it ever. She was cool enough for Daniel Desario on Freaks and Geeks than she is cool enough for me. Plus boobs and all.

Anyway, I know David Arquette and Courteney Cox broke up. Supposedly, he is with some new young hot chick. Fair enough. I know two things immediately about Courteney Cox – 1. her name is Courteney and not Courtney. 2. We share the same birthday except she is 19 years older than me. She is a great looking lady and I want her and Jennifer Aniston to become a lesbian couple who occasionally have boy toys and then they film that for Showtime.

Kristen Stewart wouldn’t have to do too much. His only tie to the people’s attention in this world was his wife and now that is over. Next week, will begin the slow fade into obscurity… until Scream 4 comes out and then a month after that he’ll really fade into obscurity and as with all celebrities who lose the spotlight and the affection of the public, his cells will break down and his body will eventually turn to dust and be taken out with the wind. For Kristen, this is a passive waiting game. No sweat.

2. Storm Chasers

Is Twister playing on TNT or something? I think there is a TV show called Storm Chasers, so it could be about them… which ultimately was inspired by Bill Paxton, Helen Hunt, their misfit crew featuring Phillip Seymour Hoffman, as well as evil tornado enthusiast Cary Elwes from the glorious movie Twister.

Not to sound too cynical, but I believe Kristen can wait this one out as well. There is probably a decent mortality rate in “storm chasing” if they are driving around in minivans trying to throw ping pong balls into a T-5 tornado like in the movies. I mean Cary Elwes died.

Kristen can probably wait until a towering cylinder of win that appear and disappear at undetermined time and have the power to tear buildings in half just unpredictably cuts right through this reality TV camera crew.

3. Deadliest Catch

Uhhhhh… so… Kristen… could… wait… this… one… out… too…

Isn’t this whole show about being the most dangerous job in the world outside of “bomb maker with tourettes” or “Naomi Campbell’s assistant”? I don’t think Kristen really needs to get involved here. They are running the risk on their own survival at all points in time and every time they do survive we are fed with delicious crab. Kristen can just set-up an egg timer and wait this out. Hit the snooze button until it is all over.

4. McRib

I saw an article on Yahoo entitled “Why can’t we find a McRib?” or something similar. That is what we call one of those “good” problems. Why would you want to find a McRib? I never thought people were looking for them. If a McRib is in closer proximity to you then you are slowing dying anyway. It’s like second smoke or carbon monoxide poisoning or watching Rachel Zoe Project – it is destroying you from the inside out whether you know it or not and whether you actively participate in it or not.

If Kristen Stewart eats a McRib she dies. Let’s just get that straight. Let’s get the bad news out of the way and say that if Kristen Stewart is exposed to a McRib for longer than an hour she will die. Have you ever seen Kristen Stewart? She weighs nothing. Her weight is so insignificant that you would have to get multiples of her and weigh them and then divide that by how many multiples you had to get the weight of one Kristen Stewart – you know like how you do with a penny. If I ate a McRib it would render me useless for at least the next 24 – 36 hours. But it probably wouldn’t kill me. It would certainly take years off my life, but at the same time my belly fat will absorb the McRib like the “Borg” from Star Trek and assimilate this horribleness with the rest of the horribleness that will eventually kill me later. But I would survive it. Like 85% chance I would survive eating it. Meanwhile, Kristen has none of that, so the McRib would attack her full force rendering her into a coma she would never awake from maybe two bites in.

To defeat the McRib – well, first thing first, it is not a waiting game in this one. A McRib will last forever. It will change shape and color, but the potency of the molecular evil that is in this composite commercially produced sandwich will never dissipate. Kristen will need to obliterate the McRib immediately. She will only have one chance at this. Once the two are put into the same area to begin their battle for supremacy, every second that passes that Kristen doesn’t blow up the McRib with a want blast then the McRib’s fumes will begin their course of action in toppling the mighty K-Stew. I would suggest a clothespin for her nose and sunglasses for her eyes and wearing a full bomb blast body armor out of The Hurt Locker and ramp up her want to 9000 and blast that fucker into the stratosphere.

5. 50 Cent Rhino

First off, yes.

I read about this before, a rhinoceros was shot 9 times by poachers and survived. Now wildlife people want 50 Cent to adopt it to continue to save its life and because he was shot 9 times and survived. Yes, I want this to happen. I want pictures of 50 Cent and a Rhino 50 Cent.

Kristen ain’t killing this. If anything I believe that celebrities like Kristen Stewart should begin adopting wildlife like rhinos because why not and they should peer pressure 50 Cent into buying his own rhino army. Have you seen that man’s twitter page? Besides a middle school English teacher, that man needs a rhino army stat.

Stand down, Kristen.

6. Katherine Heigl

Hopefully, this is an announcement by Katherine Heigl to start making what people in business call “good” movies. That would be cool. She has been apart of a few good movies like Knocked Up, 100 Girls, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, My Father the Hero and all 10,000 of those day dreams of us living happily together after I saw My Father the Hero when I was 11 – just to name a few. There is a chance she could go back to making good movies again.

Do not be mistaken, Katherine Heigl is a formidable opponent. She has all the traits of a well deserving adversary – she looks good in a bikini, she … that’s really enough right there. I mean when talking about why Hank Aaron is such a great baseball player, saying he hit 755 homeruns is really all you need to say. He was great outside of that as well, but that is perfectly acceptable. I know I’m not alone on this, but Katherine Heigl is really good looking and she can do comedy, so I’m rooting for her to get back into making movies that I don’t feel shameful in seeing.

Preferably, Kristen Stewart would defeat Katherine Heigl via kissing her to death. Or at the very least, kissing her until she submits then Kristen would kiss her some more just for giggles.

7. Leonardo DiCaprio

More like DiCrapio, amirite? I bet all the boys at school called him that while DiCaprio was off finger-blasting their moms. Just a good ole’ finger-blasting. I did write “making out” first, but finger-blasting is just funnier. Also, I enjoy the fact I feel like classing up the joint, but adding the hyphen in there like I’m using the Queen’s English to type out “finger-blasting”.

I honestly was curious as to why Leo is in the news trending. It appears people are now realizing that he is going to be J. Edgar Hoover in a movie called Hoover directed by Clint Eastwood. Sounds very promising. That was announced a while ago, but I don’t expect people to stalk the IMDB page of EVERYONE like I do. Anyway, I was curious about Leo being in the news because Christopher Nolan directed Leo in Inception, which Chris Nolan directed, Nolan also directs the Batman movies, Nolan just announced that Tom Hardy who was in Inception will be in the next Batman movie… so… maybe… Leo… would… be… in… the… new… Batman… but… no.

I don’t want Kristen Stewart to destroy Leonardo DiCaprio because he is making movies I am enjoying nowadays. Well, if there is a way that if Kristen Stewart us unleashed like a Sentinel from X-Men and hunts down Leonardo DiCaprio and kills him with optic blasts and sheer metallic power and then gives Leo’s girl/swimsuit supermodel Bar Refeali an ultimatum that she is to track me down and make me the happiest man on Earth for the rest of our days together (we’re both Jewish, it could work) then she should get on killing Leo already! Outside of that, let the man live so he can continue making good movies.

As for Tom Hardy, I’m excited he is in the new Batman movie. I think he could easily be the new villain. I’m not sure who he should be, but I think he gives a full force performance in whatever role he is given. Also, he is known to physically transform himself for a role like he did in Bronson and like what he was preparing to do for Mad Max. A lot of people assume “the Riddler” will be the next villain. I am a fan of the Riddler and Tom Hardy could definitely be the Riddler (why not). There are a few ideas that I wouldn’t mind seeing in the new Batman movie (all or some would be great): Batman being chased by the police, Catwoman, Two Face dispensing his own justice.

The end of The Dark Knight has Batman starting to be the focus of the police that they need to catch him as an outlaw. That is a great theme in the comic books. He is not a loved man in Gotham. He is a marked man that is a vigilante who needs to be stopped whether or not what he is doing is right or not. He is terrorist in the purest definition of the word. I like that idea. I like that Batman is an anti-hero. Bad guys are in awe of Superman, but they fear Batman. As for Catwoman, there is no female character going into this 3rd movie. And there really hasn’t been any solid female characters in the other 2 (Maggie and Katie were peripheral at best). A strong and sexy opposition for Batman could be great. In these two past movies, Katie/Maggie could have been in love with Bruce, but not Batman. Catwoman wants Batman and not Bruce Wayne. That is interesting and would set this movie a part from the others. Thirdly, I would like to see Two Face back and that funeral at the end of The Dark Knight was a cover-up for Harvey Dent still being alive and being stuffed somewhere in Arkham, but he escapes and is now judging people with the flip of a coin and the trigger of a gun.

I’m so excited for Batman, can you tell?

8. Busch Gardens Coaster

A new roller coaster at Busch Gardens? Get all those people who are eating McRibs to jump on the coaster at once and pretty sure that would kill that thing forever. Easy peasy.

Or Kristen Stewart could get a monkey wrench and take that bitch apart. I heard she used to play with erectorsets when she was a kid, I’m sure that knowledge will transfer. What? You doubt Kristen Stewart’s engineering skills? And you call yourself fans. Pffftttt…

9. Alien Prequel

Why the fuck not? Some people may think that an Alien prequel would be bad because it could hurt the franchise’s integrity. Those people didn’t see Alien 3 or Alien Ressurection. Those movies were not good. Good directors and good actors and still bad movies. Crazy, right? It is a lot harder to make a good movie than people think I suppose. Plus those Alien vs. Predator movies didn’t help anything or anybody. But they should try again with a good director and good actors. The alien from Alien is one of the more memorable creations in cinematic history, so why not go for it.

Supposedly, Natalie Portman is in talks for the movie. I guess to play a younger Sigourney Weaver/Ripley. Makes sense. Natalie is gorgeous, great actress, and she looks good bald. Like really good bald. Like so really good, I should be saying great. Anyway, I’m a fan of Natalie as mentioned yesterday, so I’m all for it. The more movies with Natalie Portman the better. I have rarely heard a rumor of her being in a movie where I wasn’t completely for it. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies – fucking for it! Supposedly, that movie might not happen anymore, but that movie would have been good with Natalie Portman in it.

As for Kristen and Portman doing battle, see item #6 with Katherine Heigl. Kissing contest to the death. I don’t think either would lose. It would just go on forever warming the spirit of humanity and serving as an endless light we should all strive for when creating policy in this great democracy of ours ala John F. Kennedy’s “eternal flame”.

Seriously, how many other blogs have the courage out there to compare two girls kissing to the presidential memorial gravesite in Washington D.C. of our 35th President?

Answer: not enough

Also, Natalie and I would work. I’m Jewish, funny, kind-hearted, and she has terrible taste in men.

10. Matt Damon

Matt Damon needs to be stopped!

Not really. He’s ok in my books. He makes good movies and bad movies and doesn’t seem to be a prick about it. I think he would honestly like that assessment of him. Also, I’m glad he is giving up on the Bourne franchise. The Bourne Ultimatum is the best that movie is going to get. There is no need to keep going with it just because. Let someone else take the it and run it into the ground. Identity was good, Supremacy was a let down and Ultimatum rocked. That is good enough. You can make other movies.

I would like to see him make a comedy that does not have Steven Soderbergh as the director or some Soderbergh disciple. There are a few directors that I think could really use Damon well in a comedy – namely Judd Apatow or Adam McKay. I also wouldn’t mind seeing Ben Affleck and him reteaming for a comedy that maybe they write. It could be semi-autobiographical – it could be about two famous actors who are adversaries or become adversaries.

As for Kristen Stewart defeating Matt Damon? Well, he has had a lot of training for all these action movies, but really *hand job motion* come on – they’re actors, how tough could they be? If she could lure Matt Damon with her lip biting and sexy stare to a room that locks from the outside and once she locks him inside that room she starts a screening for Matt of his movie The Informant! and let’s the movie play on repeat – I’m sure he’ll have killed himself by the opening credits of the third time.

And that’s how we play the Kristen Stewart kills the Top 10 List GAME!!!!!

Questions for Friday!?!