Happy Monday, I wish I were asleep.
That’s what we are all thinking right now. Regardless of whatever we are doing, we wish we were asleep. To sleep per chance to dream. To dream of joining an adult activity club that plays pranks on each other and plays dodgeball and puts on comedy sketches while everyone wears matching t-shirts for their particular team. And then of course, the grand maestro of this after work socializing for the socially inept prepares a guest speaker for that day’s special occasion. One can only think of one appropriate guest speaker who would be totally cool de la in the pros pro for this apro: Alice Cooper. Yes, thee Alice Cooper who is surprisingly still alive meanwhile Leslie Nielsen is not. And as we all wait backstage as the color matched mass, there is the man of the hour in Mr. Cooper. Oh gosh is he short. Shorter than most. Shorter than most who have medical conditions about being short. His shortness is so distracting one may not notice that with each step he takes he leave a trail of fire in his wake. We spar with words – jokingly of course. And once one believes this oddity could be over, the fellow females of this after work fun factory begin to take the opportunity to meet this miniature Alice Cooper. By “meet” I mean shove their tongue down his throat and vice versa as we watch in horrific silence. Well, girl one kiss kiss kisses and then moves on until the heavily tattooed and head shaved girl two disrobes both herself and our pint sized special guest. This is when things get creepy-er. Some stand and watch, mouths agape in confusion and disgust; others turn and cover their eyes in fear like watching a killing scene. I try to defuse the tension and begin making small talk with this small celebrity while this bald headed ink girl ravages him. Finally, a security guard enters and pulls the lover aside and we all are relieved. She exits the room, clothes nowhere to be found, and Cooper sweaty. This is when it gets creepy-est. Two more girls of the next door variety enter and make a bee line towards the tiny tot frontman. At some point I wake from this dream/nightmare/astral projection of us watching the mini me Alice Cooper making love to two ladies. But before the dream was finished, before Alice finished, I did make one comment that I felt was amusing. I asked Alice Cooper what did he think of nowadays “rock n’ roll” and he replied “rock n’ roll is dead” and I replied “well, guitars aren’t.”
Oh dreaming. Oh sleep.
I would enjoy most dearly if you all shared some crazy dreams that you have had recently. Or why limit it? Ever. Talk about ever dreams. Crazy ever dreams.
Or talk about what a wonderful Thanksgiving one had. “Wonderful” is a word that can be substituted out for “horrible” and “drunken”.
I’m not sure what else there is to write when one talks of a dwarf Alice Cooper sodomizing only steps in front of you. So I will leave you with this picture…
And a proverb in rhyme…
Tomorrow, I will return to scurrying through the leaves from the trees while on my knees fearful of the honey bees all in New Jerseys. These bees stinging at my knees while I’m freely touching all the leaves moving vertically through the trees could be a metaphor for worker bees sitting in their cubicles glaring at me with unpleasantries as I whimsically lick sticky sap from the trees while they silently. Tomorrow, I will meet with these bees and discard my tees for a more suitable me and listen to their decrees about discarding my fantasies of playing in the leaves that fall from these sticky sap trees and worrying about honey bees all in the state of New Jersey. They will break my keys that I use to write these poetries and offer me a life of duties with the other worker bees.
So I’ll be gone tomorrow, but I’ll post something short.
November 26, 2010
Happy New Year! Or something.
One guy I follow on Twitter named The Sulk said a lot of funny things yesterday, but one of them in particular I shall pass on to you:
“Today = Thanksgiving. Tomorrow = Thanksshitting.”
And before I get myself involved in that holiday as I drink my first of many colon cleansing coffee cups of … coffee, I will answer the Friday questions.
Friday question: with all this talk of an NFL lockout, to what insane lengths would you go to ensure next season continued uninterrupted? Would you perform sexual favors for another male? I don’t know why the NFL would say “Football can continue so long as KSWI Jordan gives that dude over there a beej,” but let’s pretend that they would for a moment just for my entertainment’s sake. Thanks
Well, who is this dude “over there”? Does everyone know that I’m saving football by blowing this “dude”? And is everyone treating me like the hero I’ve always wanted and felt that I am already am? Because if the stars do align…
What am I prepared to do? For the most part I’m doing as much as I’m prepared to do, which is practicing “The Secret”.
Ahhh, yes The Secret. You all may remember The Secret from Oprah. And by “Oprah” I do mean the mythical wondrous trillionaire Chicagoan. The Secret is remaining positive and focusing on out comes that you want to happen in life and through this optimism and positivity they will manifest. Also, there is the act of making “dream boards” where you cut out pictures of things you want and can focus your positivity on to make happen.
The Secret never mentions how many dream boards you can have. Or how many you should limit yourself to. So safe to say, I have rented out an office space not far from where I am living. The walls are covered in dream boards and I sit in there and pray and listen to Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” and once a day a dog breeder releases all its puppies in the office and we run and giggle and smell markers because that is the most positive thing experience ever.
I’m pretty sure this will all get figured out with the players and the owners in the NFL before I have to blow a guy. Thanks for thinking of me…
Why are most, if not all, major American holidays an excuse to eat yourself into a food coma, or alternatively drink until you can’t feel feelings any more?
(I’m not judging, most of our holidays are like that too. We have a horse race that everyone skips work for – top that!!)
The US of A has horse races, but they are on Saturdays.
I’m not sure what else there really is to do with people. Eat, drink and be merry. So why not eat A LOT, drink A LOT, and maybe you’ll be merry after that. It’s just simplest that way. Maybe if people are stuffing their faces with food and alcohol then you won’t have to converse with people you really have no business conversing with.
Since America is kind of the greatest everyday always then everyday is like a holiday in this damn country, right?
Will you ever consider rejoining the world of the working stiff, Jordalachian? Or is freelancing treating you too well to even contemplate having to wear a cool suit and get up before 10am ever again?
I will/have considered. Freelancing doesn’t pay me enough to live on forever. But we’ll see. I may be rejoining said office world sooner than later. I do still have all those suits. They sit unworn in my closet.
What do you want for Xmas?
KSWI orgy? I do have a dream board for that as well.
Have you seen the Cowboys & Aliens movie trailer?
I have. Several times. My opinion on this trailer is ever changing. I know of the comic book, but never read it. I like a lot of the people involved in the movie like director Jon Favreau and Daniel Craig and Mr. Ford and Olivia Wilde’s body. I like the idea of the movie and the comic book very much, but the trailer is a little disconcerting to me. I would expect it to be more humorous, but it looks really serious. And some of that seriousness could be ok if it were not for the one part where Harrison Ford rides out of the darkness and says that he wants Daniel Craig and at that point I start laughing and say “wow, that was bad” every time.
I’m definitely seeing the movie. There is no way I’m not seeing it. I’m just wondering if the movie is this serious and if it is maybe they shouldn’t have hired Harrison Ford. The first time I watched the trailer I was into it. The more I watch it, the more it worries me. But I’ll definitely be there opening day waiting to see it.
I love the idea of “cowboys” and “aliens”, so hopefully it works. I have not seen a Jon Favreau movie that wasn’t at the very least entertaining as hell.
And on the topic of great combinations…
Friday question, for the Friday post we’re most certainly not going to have: “Why are you so popular with Indian men of the lonely persuasion, Kay Swidge?”
My question back – there are 1.5 billion Indian people, so why are there not more Indian men commenting on this website trying to find love… sex… a fuck buddy?
I’m pretty sure that these “Indian men” are really a “clever” spammer. Nevertheless, I laugh a lot reading the messages. I was thinking about one day going through comments like theirs and making a post out of it. We’ll see if I do that.
Have a great weekend.
November 25, 2010
Game 1 of 3 is done and I still dislike the New England Patriots immensely.
Game 2 of 3 has just begun and I hope the New Orleans Saints beat the Cowboys in Dallas so badly that they fire their second head coach this season.
Game 3 of 3 is tonight and I really don’t care who wins, as long as the Bengals don’t lose by more than 8 points. I gamble on football – yes, I do.
As far as “turkey” day… to all you lovely Americans and, even, the unlovely ones – Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you eat a lot of food and get drunk and whatever else happens on this day. I hope you win a free pair of shoes. I don’t know how that would happen, but I can still hope that it happens for you.
To all you non-Americans and/or Ameri-can’ts – I hope all you lovely internationals have a great day as well with winning a free pair of shoes and eating a lot and getting drunk and whatever else can happen on a Thursday for you.
And since today holds no particular special meaning as far as a wildly dubious story about wild injuns and crazy religious nuts with dopey hats eating turkey – here is a video for you:
Yeah, it is a flying snake. It is both the greatest dream and nightmare I could ever hope for in this world. It will be the ruin and savior of us all.
November 24, 2010
This seems to be the big burning question going around. Instead of writing about comedy today, I thought I would write an educational post helping explain to the people the current situation the United States is becoming involved in overseas.
This military/political situation is with the peninsula of Korea and not the Klingon planet Qo’noS also known as Kronos .
For most Americans, tomorrow is a day of family. Thanksgiving is a day marked by seeing your family and eating with your family and, one would assume, talking to your family. Misinformation can spread like wildfire in today’s world and I wanted to do my part in this scary time to help you understand what is really at stake.
I have heard a lot of questions being asked about these turbulent times and about Koreans/Klingons, so I will answer the most pertinent ones.
Is the United States of America going to war against North Korea in aiding our ally South Korea?
Is the United States of America beginning an interstellar war against a fictional race of aliens known as the Klingons?
Frankly, we are not going to war with either. Hopefully.
The United States and Korea have already participated in a war together aptly called “The Korean War”. It seems unlikely that a second Korean War will take place. Not that the US is against fighting an enemy twice (read: “The World” in “World War I” and “World War II”). In large part, the actions by both North and South Korea are commonplace. North Korea is kind of the Mayor of Crazytown and they like the world to recognize that title from time to time.
Recently, North Korea showed off a nuclear processing plant, which we didn’t know about the other day. That was unsettling. And then yesterday, they exchanged artillery fire with South Korea. In a lot of ways, this is political theater by the North Koreans. Their longtime leader Kim Jong-il, who you may remember from his tore de force performance in Team America: World Police, recently stepped down and handed over his scepter to his son Kim Jong-un.
Because of this flux in power, the North Koreans feel the need to show off their “toughness” and doing so is shooting randomly at South Korea. In the same way, South Korea feels the need to respond to show they still are tough as well and are not going to stand for bullying from North Korea. The United States is allies with South Korea and that is why they have stepped in. The US has a large military presence in South Korea, but it is truly in everyone’s best interest to settle this politically, which is more or less how situations like this have been solved since the conclusion of the Korean War.
It is a tense situation and hopefully will not go any further, but one never knows.
As for the second part of the question, the United States is not going to war with the Klingon people of the planet Kronos. I repeat, the United States is NOT going to war with the citizens of the planet Kronos. Although they are a war-like people and would probably enjoy a war with the United States to prove, which military has a superior might – this is not transpiring.
Case in point: Klingon’s are not real.
What is the difference between Koreans and Klingons?
Are you sure there is even a difference? Aren’t they the same people and it is just one of those “po-tay-toe” “po-tah-to” situations? You call them Koreans and I call them Klingons.
I have heard this being asked a lot. Probably too much. To some, maybe not enough. There are a lot of similarities between Koreans and Klingons – sure. I will not deny that. They both have a proud heritage, their own language, music, government, religious beliefs and traditions that illustrate a beautiful tapestry of shared existence. But they are different.
Koreans are NOT Klingons.
is not the same as this…
The primary difference between Koreans and Klingons, Koreans are in fact very real as opposed to Klingons being purely fictional creations. Besides that there are many other differences. For instance, as mentioned Koreans are from the peninsula of Korea, which is generally speaking separated along the 38th latitudinal parallel. North Korea is a heavily guarded secluded militarily run country where as South Korea is an increasingly liberal democracy that freely participates socially with the rest of the globe, eg: 1988 Summer Olympic Games at South Korea’s capital city Seoul.
On the other hand, Klingons are from the planet Kronos, which is of a green color. It has a heavily tilted axis meaning extreme seasonal changes. It features one land mass and one huge ocean. And the planet’s lone moon, Praxis, was destroyed, which was a major plot point for the movie Star Trek VI: Undiscovered Country.
Why should I care? What have either the Koreans or the Klingons ever done for me?
Koreans are a global people who take residence in the US, China, Europe and really all over. Since the mid 20th century, Koreans have become a major part of the great landscape of the US. By recent estimates there are at least 2 million Koreans living in the United States with the largest community centered in Los Angeles. They have given us many beautiful things like “Korean Barbecue” restaurants where one can cook the meat of their own choosing right there at the table, also the excellent films of Park Chan-wook namely his Vengeance Trilogy. Also also, they have given us Ken Jeong and we would live on a lot less funny planet without him.
And there are the beautiful Korean people themselves. They are quite good looking. Besides what different things they seem to come up with in their brains or with their fingertips – the people themselves are quite lovely and as we all know “attractiveness” pretty much trumps everything.
They are so pretty. Their soft features and elegance. I want one. I want a whole host of them. I want a basketball team of these cute Koreans followed by a football team of them and then a soccer team and a mini militia of them and then maybe a couple more as confidants.
As for the Klingons, they are fairly unattractive. They look like a mix of a racist portrayal of a dark skinned minority and a dinosaur. Imagine the “Geico” cavemen on steroids and armed with bladed weapons. Their skin looks eerily similar to the spray-on tan one may see on the Jersey Shore. Their hair is reminiscent of a back-up guitarist for Ratt or Poison or White Snake. Their head itself is rigid and has protruding elements to it that suggest another alien creature might be in their head trying to break out. And let’s be honest with each other for a moment, the very best looking Klingon woman is still a “butterface”.
They are a gruff people. They speak a guttural language that is not soft on the ears. They are a passionate people. They love war and believe in proving oneself in battle. They do share many similarities with Asian warriors of the past known as Samurais. But what have the Klingons done for you? Since they are fictional, not much. They have appeared on Star Trek and its successor shows/movies and I’m sure there is a fetish porn dedicated to Klingons as well. So there is that.
Probably their greatest gift to mankind is as a Halloween costume. It is fun to dress as a Klingon for Halloween. They wear a lot of black, chains, carry weapons, have long hair, crazy foreheads and you get to be a dick to everyone because Klingons kind of act like well-spoken high school jocks played Laurence Olivier. Where as, it is quite insensitive to dress as a Korean for Halloween – I do not suggest doing that.
Who wants IT more?
Well, that is for you to decide.
I hope that we do not have any further military problems in Korea and hope all problems can be handled with diplomacy. I hope that Klingons do not suddenly become real and then attack the planet Earth. Either way, I hope that you show great love to all people including Koreans and Klingons if you are to cross paths with one.
I hope this has helped.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving.
November 23, 2010
I’m out exploring New Jersey crawling through the leaves and licking up its sticky sap trees. I’m moving vertically on my hands and knees keeping a lookout for honey bees. Won’t you please, Mr. honey bees, do not sting my knees while I’m scurrying through the trees touching all the leaves.
I hope you are having a great day,