Will Anyone Let Me Sleep Past Noon PLEASE!

I went out drinking last night with a couple friends in the city of cities known as the city.

I got back in at just before 3am and probably didn’t actually fall asleep until 4 or so. There is non-stop construction of houses, multiple homes, across the street, which starts rather early with the banging of what I assume is a 30 foot nail that needs to be driven ever so slowly and gently into 50 foot piece of timber. Just tap and tap and tap and tap and tap for EVER.

And when I am in the middle of a dream about something I cannot remember right now, but what was highly entertaining to me during the sleeping process is thoroughly interrupted by a phone call about a bill that I paid yesterday and only that person doesn’t know that I paid it, but I did, so thanks for the call.

Well, my brain is not running on all cylinders. I tried to drink a cup of coffee and the miniature poodle was so happy to see me she jump attacked me and in doing so either landing her foot in my coffee or at least shed some of her doggy dirt into my coffee because now the Esperanza Spalding colored coffee is flecked with crumbs. Crumbs from a dog. Not drinkable.

So what did I do last night?

We talked and laughed and shared stories and drank and ate and things.

I’ll try to remember some of the things we talked about and maybe you will all find them slightly interesting…

1. On the drive up to NYC, I was thinking about this for some reason – bad people. Do you believe there are “bad people” in the world? People who you cannot categorize them any other way. Rapists, murderers, child molesters, serial killers, tyrannical dictators, people who are specifically committing actions consciously that are without a doubt “bad”. What percentage of society do you believe these “bad people” consist? How about 1%? If you had a 100 people would you feel safe to say 1 of those people are bad? Well, let’s say you are feeling safe to say that. That would mean with the 300 million people in the USA that there are 3 million bad people roaming this country. Also, if you take the world at 6 billion people there are 60 million bad people out there. 60 million?! That sounds bad. That sounds worrisome. But looking back at the 100 people in the room and 1 of them is bad, it doesn’t sound frightening at all in my opinion. It sounds like we’re going to stomp the shit out of that bad person.

2. Assigning personalities and backgrounds on the dogs you own. For instance, Dawgz now has a dog named Choopy. She is a rescue and her name was Choopy when they got her. The background for Choopy in Dawgz and his gf’s mind is that Choopy is an older woman who has her law degree and is a professor mathematician. She can be referred to as either Professor Choopins or Ruth Choopenstein, Esquire. When they are not at the apartment they believe that Choopy is either brushing up on some legal reading or doing calculus – “she’s always solving for X” is a common phrase from Dawgz. My other friend has a dog named Lucy and her persona is of cold blooded killer gangster. She is always making the decision that leads to the most physical violence. She is not to be messed with. As for my dogs, the mini dachshund is a queen of some country that has little power. Regardless of the wealth of the country or even political power, she is still the elderstateswoman queen that the plebeians need to bow down to. The golden retriever Gracie is a hopeless romantic in dire need of affection or she becomes immediately depressed. She wants to be accepted to the point that every action a person does should be about her. She writes sad Facebook status updates because everyone on her cell phone didn’t call her that day. As for the miniature “poodle”, I fully believe that she is part monkey. A dog breeder somewhere crossed a monkey and a poodle and that is what type of dog we own. It is a simian primate and a cuddly puppy at the same time. She’s absolutely crazy, but she knows what’s going on. I tell her every so often that I will teach her how to speak English and she stares me dead in the eyes with a knowing “and it will be a great day”.

3. The Mets. Talked some about the baseball team The New York Mets. They are in the worst right now. They lost a ton of money in the Madoff ponzi scheme somehow. They have been a bad team for awhile now. They have a locker room of guys who have never shown they could be great consistently and now they are older. They have no pitching to speak of. Their best pitcher is still hurt and at the very earliest will pitch in June, but probably not consistently until later. Their closing pitcher was last seen punching out his father-in-law in front of the team, teammates families et cetera after a game in the club house. He is now back in camp and he has a clause on his contract that if he ends up playing 55 games then he gets an additional $17 million. He will never play 55 games, but they have to worry about getting rid of him at some point and whatever fiascoes he could cause before then. With all of that and more, why not root for the New York Mets this year? Why not? These guys need a win more than almost any other team right now. There is the likelihood that they have given up on their season by mid-season, so why not root for these guys? It won’t be much of an investment. Any game they win will be a great achievement and any game they lose is expected. The Amazing Mets. As for the other New York team, The Yankees, I just can’t think of rooting for them unless you just like rooting for the Yankees. I can’t think of one player on that team that I want to root for to win. Derek Jeter was openly humiliated a little bit by the team during contract negotiations, so Jeter doesn’t love the team he is with and the team owners don’t love him. Why root for that? Why root for a franchise who disrespects the best ball player they have had in at least the past 20 years? What about Alex Rodriguez? Who wants to root for this guy? I can’t imagine people sitting around hoping things turn out well for Alex Rodriguez. The rest of them team – eh? Rooting for a team that sees anything, but winning a World Series a failure is a little annoying and they’re a team that has won way more than a bunch.

4. Arnold Schwarzenegger back in acting. Love it. I brought up my one idea with Kristen Stewart and Jay Baruchel or someone like those two playing college aged kids who fall in love. Jay needs to go back to Kristen’s house and meet her family because he is thinking of proposing. Her mother is a single mother and is wealthy and powerful and works in the movie industry as a big deal producer. Kristen may not have a regular father that raised her, but all these famous actors over the years have treated her like their daughter and been her father figure like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Robert DeNiro, Steven Seagal, Clint Eastwood et cetera. Each one gets a chance to meet Jay and they all put him through the ringer to test the kid’s merit. So they all go psycho on him like he would imagine they would go psycho on someone in a movie. That’s one idea. Also, we fully believe that any movie that Craig T. Nelson is making that Arnold should swoop in and steal that role. Also, we generally outlined we could see a movie with Arnold being the lone silent patriarch in a big family movie of women. He’s married, has like 6 daughters and numerous granddaughters and nieces and he has sisters. And there is some conflict and in the end Arnold has to help sort everything out.

5. Carmelo Anthony needs to be a Knick. I don’t care what the deal is – they have to make it happen. Carmelo wants to be in New York. LaLa definitely wants to be in New York. Get him the fuck to New York and let that beautiful bastard ball for the Knicks.

6. Lady Gaga’s new album better be good. With all the clothes and meat dresses and points on her shoulders and so forth – who gives a shit? If that album isn’t good then goodbye Gaga. Already, the new single sounds identical to Madonna, which is ok because she is a rip off of Madonna in many ways. If Annie Lennox and Madonna had a love child (which I believe they have) then that is Lady Gaga. The new song is good, but that album better be good. Her first two albums were good and all I care about is whether or not she actually keeps making good dance music. I can put up with a lot of superficial nonsense and overly meaningful 60 Minutes interviews and her talking about being an artist and all, but just make some damn dance tracks and move on. Also, we were talking about all she has done for the gay community. She definitely was the loudest advocate for the repelling of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. I fully support that. But is it really surprising she’s for gay rights? Seriously? A 24 year old club girl from New York City who “used to” do a lot of cocaine and party and rights pop dance music and dresses up in ridiculous outfits and wild make-up? She’s pro gays? You’re kidding me! I’m shocked. Just shocked. Who could have ever guessed? It would be more surprising if she wasn’t into gays. Her at some disco dance club in trendy Manhattan doing coke in the bathroom with a bunch of drag queens yelling at these queers to get out of here and lecturing them on being the downfall of the institution of marriage before going out and grinding her half naked 5’3″ body around to a Depeche Mode jam.

7. We fully agree that Thor looks terrible. That The Green Lantern looks terrible. That X-Men First Class looks excellent. That The Avengers movie has no chance of being good. And we were split on Captain America. Dawgz and I think it looks bad. Our friend thinks it could be good just because it should feature a lot of Nazis getting punched in the face. Here is hoping you are right.

8. We came up with an idea for a web series or a movie that is completely distasteful, but we found really funny last night called Bringing Back Heath. It focuses on that we love The Dark Knight so fucking much and more importantly Heath Ledger’s performance as the Joker so much that we would do anything to get him back to act more. So, we pitch a proposal to Mary Kate Olsen to fund our project of resurrecting Heath Ledger. With the backing of the Olsen’s millions, we dig up Heath Ledger and begin experimenting on trying to resurrect him in any way possible. Any resurrection story form any religion, work of fiction, old wives tale, superstition, anecdotal et cetera. With everyone thoroughly offended, suing us, attacking us, interviewing us and so forth – we keep pushing the point that if only one of these magical life reversals works then BOOM we have Heath Ledger back. Who doesn’t want that? If they don’t work then what really have we done wrong. We also only need one to work. It’s not like if the third of 30 ideas works then we kill him to then see if the other 27 work. No! We stop once he is back alive and making movies again with Christopher Nolan.

9. A good deal of politics. More so what a cluster fuck the Republican side of the 2012 election will be. Could the Tea Party completely break from the Republicans and have their own convention? There is a good chance of that I think. What does that even mean for the Tea Party and their candidates? How about the Tea Party having absolutely no foreign policy. That should be interesting in a debate. Also, I’m thoroughly excited to see the high priced cannibalism that will happen during any debates between the Republicans. Who will be running for the Republicans? Probably all of them. Why not? Who is the front runner? What could any of them lose? Plus throw in a ton of Republicans like Mike Huckabee who will use this election as one great commercial for his TV/radio show and a literary career. Can’t wait to see all of that. Besides what a steamrolling juggernaut I think the Obama re-election campaign will be like.  What was the big knock on Obama prior to the 2008 election? No experience. Well, being the President is pretty good experience for being the president. Should be good television.

10. I ate a free hotdog.

Prepare Yourselves For The Most Intellectual Essay Ever Written On A Topic Of A High-Minded Scholarly Subject…

… also known as I Took A Dump On Einstein’s Grave!

I hope you have your thinking caps on.

I hope you have a link to dictionary.com open.

I hope you have a link to thesaurus.com open.

I hope you have a link to Google translator open.

I hope you have a link to Wikipedia open.

I hope you have a paper and pencil handy because you will need to take notes.

I hope you are ready to get blown… away with knowledge.

My last hope of hopes, you are all not offended by the difference in intelligence between myself and all of you. Today’s post will illustrate perfectly what genius levels my brain has exceeded and I hope this does not cause a rift in our relationship when you see what a lowly pedestrian level your brain works at in comparison.

Let us begin…

Today’s topic is…

DOGGIES!

AWWWWW!!!! Look at that face! Look at that FACE!!!!

I just want grab that face! I want to hug that doggy face so badly! GIVE ME YOUR FACE DOGGY! SO I CAN HUG IT!!!!!

I won’t lie, I would kiss that doggy. Right in the middle of that face! Right in the middle! Could you imagine? It would be so silly! Just giving that doggy a big old cartoony kiss right in the middle of his face!!!! I would need a towel right away after said kiss because I seemingly would be covered in drool and bits of kibble, but it would be worth it! I’ve kissed girls with a similar consequence, but replace “drool” with “drool” and “kibble” with “whatever girls eat before they pound appletinis”, but it was not worth it.

Look at that silly doggy!!!! Oh my look at that doggy!!!! I would love to run into this picture and this would be my series of actions:

1. Greet the doggy as if it is the Queen of England.

2. Talk to girl in tank top because I am a sucker for girls in tank tops.

3. Channeling my inner Wesley Snipes (which there is), in one swift ninja movement I tear these green things from the doggy’s ears and liberate the doggy’s ears!

4. Doggy and I play! We play!!!!!! We get the girl in the tank top to play!!!! We all play!!!

5. Go for a creeper hug on girl in tank top.

6. Successful or not successful – exit picture back into my sad little life in New Jersey.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! WHAT IS THAT SILLY DOGGY DOING?!!!!

I want that silly doggy! I want that silly doggy in that outfit and I want that bow tie that that literally insane man who is holding said silly doggy is wearing! It looks like his little face is smirking. He knows how silly he looks. He looks silly, but he also looks like the most conservative member of The Culture Club. He is definitely in a new wave band from the 80′s. He is a silly doggy who plays bass. Yes, he is. Can you imagine the life one leads who purchases the raw materials to then later make a fedora with a zebra stripe on it for a little silly doggy? The answer is a beautiful life.

I have hair! I have lots of hair! I have everywhere! I’m like that Dashboard Confessional song about hair being everywhere! I’m a doggy.

HAHAHAHAHAH! I AM A DOGGY!!! Look at that doggy! Look at it!!! This doggy gets better every time I look at this doggy. I prefer looking at the doggy starting from its cute little head. Then I continue my looking going north to south. After its cute little head is its big ears! Look at those ears! We would blame games with those ears. Like putting them over the doggy’s eyes for a second like a blind fold or holding them up and out like they were wings attached to the doggy’s head. Why would a doggy have wings on its head? Silly doggy! Then its hysterical hotdog body. It’s like a little tank. It’s like a little tank with wondrous auburn hair. Then finally the coup de grace is its FEET! LOOK AT THOSE FEETS! I would play all day with that doggy going after its feet and the doggy would play back by trying to stop me from getting its feet, but I would get its feet more often than not. Like 50% of the 60% of the 90% of the time.

This is a silly doggy! It played bass for Rick James on the 1981 tour promoting the new album Street Songs. We would hug this dog and I. I had an Old English Sheep Dog once, so we would talk about that while we were hugging. I would also find this dog’s eyes. I don’t see them here, but I would find them amidst all the hugging.

How many treats does this doggy want?!!! He wants all the treats!!! ALL OF THEM!!! How many treats would this doggy get?!!! As many as he would provide me little  licks for, which by my calculations is ALL OF THEM!!!! We would be best friends. I would scratch his little head, right on the top of his head. He would get that look like “you’re scratching my brain and it feels good” that dogs tend to get when you scratch the top of their heads. And then when I stop for a second and he looks at me like, “Who told you stop? Please continue the brain scratching. I’ll give you licks if you start the scratching again!” Then he would give me a few licks and I would scratch his head more. And this would go on forever.

OH MY GOD!!!! LOOK AT THIS DOGGY!!!! LOOK AT HIM!!! OH MY GOD!!! I WANT TO GIVE THIS DOG EVERY HUG THAT WAS EVER INVENTED!!! I WANT TO PET THIS DOGGY!!! HE IS SO CUTE!!! LOOK AT THIS DOGGY!!! MY BRAIN!!! MY BRAIN CANNOT HANDLE THE DOGGY AND ITS ADORABILITY!!! I’M LOSING THE PROPER BLOOD FLOW TO CERTAIN PARTS OF MY BRAIN AND LOSING MY LANGUAGE SKILLS!!! DOGGY!!! DOGGY!!! HADSFJMASDNFASUASDFDASKFIASDGASD ASDFKALSDF !!! DOGGY!!!

First thing first, I hug this doggy. I have to do that first. I hug ‘em up real good. I hug ‘em and I give him kisses on his snout. I scratch his snout. I play with his ears. I give him more hugs. I play with his fronts legs. I play with paws. We hug. I play more with his paws and get him riled up and we play, which ends in hugs.

After that, we solve crimes. The two of us will finally put the Moldinari brothers in jail. The doggy will find the clues with his cute smeller nose and then I would fill out the proper paper work for the police because doggies can’t fill out paper work. Doggies can’t hold pens or type! Then the police would tell us to piss off because cops are idiots. Then we would go vigilante style and catch the Moldinari brothers ourselves. The doggy would be wearing a Lone Ranger mask as well as I.

Who is that peeking around that lady’s big behind? IT’S A DOGGY!!!! A DOGGY WITH ITS TONGUE STICKING OUT!!! Otherwise known as the greatest type of doggy.

What ‘cha doing back there lady? I’m just trying to enjoy my doggy treats like a doggy does and your hand with the fingernails is getting awfully close to my doggy dumper.

OH. MY. GOSH! THIS DOGGY WANTS TO BE PET SO BADLY!!! Doggies are so good that they even love other doggies! Look how happy this doggy is to be in its Snoopy bed with its Snoopy toys. This doggy wants IT and by IT I mean nonstop hugs/petting/treats!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS PICTURE, BUT I WANT TO HUG AND PICK THIS DOGGY UP SO BADLY!!!! THIS IS THE SILLIEST DOGGY!!! GIVE ME THAT DOGGY!!!

If I saw that doggy I would giggle and laugh and make a bee line for the doggy and give that doggy a big bear hug and left that doggy off the ground telling it is one silly doggy for sitting like that and wearing these silly clothes. Is that a pink scarf and a bullet proof doggy vest? You are the silliest doggy! I hug you silly doggy! I also grab a hold of your wrinkly paws and we laugh together! DOGGIES!

THE DOGGY IS WINKING AT ME!!!!!!

OH MY GOD!!! THE PETTING AND HUGGING AND KISSES THIS DOGGY WOULD GET!!! HOW MANY?!!! HOW MANY?!!!! MORE THAN THE NUMBERS WE CURRENTLY HAVE!!! They would need to invent a new number system to calculate even a fraction of the hugs and kisses and pets that I would give this doggy for this wink! It would be so many. AND SCRATCHES! I would scratch this doggy’s face. I would get all the itchies out! Let me pet that doggy already!!!!!!!!

DOGGY!!! You don’t give doggies elaborate ribbons! You give doggies hugs and love and little doggy treats that they love and eat so quickly that at some point you break down and try them yourself as if you didn’t have enough food options in your own house that now you are going to start eating doggy food and you eat the doggy treat and it tastes bland and not like you were expecting and you look at your doggy all squirrelly and say “you really like these that much” as the doggy is in agony seeing you eat its only treats and then you eat a second one just to make sure meanwhile the doggy is about to have a mental breakdown if you don’t start sharing those doggy treats with them before you end up eating the whole box and complaining that they don’t taste as much like bacon to you as the box describes… !!!!

DOGGY!!!!

This is the Scottish Deerhound who won the 2011 Westminster Dog Show last night.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/1102/westminster-dog-show-2011/content.1.html

Here is the gallery of doggies that I took these pictures from. I highly suggest investing a chunk of your day looking at these doggies.

Thank you doggies.

Love,

Kay-Swidge-Izzle

 

 

L.I.F.E. Got In The Way Today

Didn’t get a chance to write a post today because of this “life” thing getting in the way.

But I’m sure you are all unconcerned with that considering last night it was announced that IT IS FINALLY HAPPENING!!!!!

THE ROCK IS COMING BACK!!!!!!!!

I know you all have been waiting for this as long as I have, but it is finally happening. The Rock will guest host Wrestlemania!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m sure you are all making collages out of old WWE magazines and painting your fingernails so it spells out “The Rock” because that is what I imagine girls do for important occasions.

I will spend the rest of the day raising an eyebrow in the mirror and shouting “IF YOU SMELLLLLL LLLALALALAALALLALLA LLLL OOOOWWWWWW WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?!?!?!?!?!?!!”

People Let Me Tell You ‘Bout My Best Friend, Justin Bieber

Let’s start this story where all stories should start – Me.

I was sitting at home, eating dinner and casually forcing my parents to watch The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia because that is what I do. I “force” people to watch movies that will only make their lives a million times better. Sue me. When the movie ended, I got up to go to the bathroom to expel urine or some sort of waste from one of the two holes on the lower half of my body that accomplishes said tasks. I returned to find the TV had been, in a word, hijacked. Hijacked for the Grammys.

After I verbally abused my kinsmen for such disgusting mutiny, I then passive aggressively watched the next hour of the Grammys. I hate the Grammys. I always have and this year didn’t change anything. Who is nominated, I wouldn’t nominate. Who wins from those nominations, I would never give the award to based on those previous stupid nominations. I disagree with the event in its entirety.

I will skip past the Eminem/Dr. Dre/Rhiana performance, which might as well have been them performing “Too Legit To Quit” (which would have been 1000x better) because that damn song of theirs sounds like it was from forever ago. They performed that same song on the VMAs which were I think back in September. How behind are the Grammys? Jay-Z and Alicia Keyes’ song “Empire State of Mind” was nominated for something as well. Didn’t that song come out two years ago?! Let’s skip past the bad Mick Jagger performance and everything until we get to the now infamous Best New Artist category… dunh DunH DUNH!

The nominees were Drake, Mumford and Sons, Florence & the Machine, someone named Esperanza Spalding, and international boy toy Justin Bieber.

Clearly, you can guess who won? Is it really a question at this point who would win in this situation? All the Grammys are are a mass of pop artists and no one is a bigger pop artist than Justin Bieber. He is everywhere, he has a movie out, he is the current topic of every dream of every 12-16 year old girl and a lot of boys, after 16 he drops to about half of the dream topics until you reach mid-20′s, and then half of that for every 5 years after 25 and then shoots up back to 50% for women between 40-50 and then to finally close to 0% after 50, he accounts for 2% of Twitter traffic at any given moment, he did a guest appearance on every TV show last week to promote that damn movie, he’s in commercials, he is on the cover of magazines, and basically the media is trying to mentally force fuck our brains with this 5’3″ Canadian mop topped jailbait at all given moments during the day.

So who won?

JUST- …

ESPERANZA SPALDING!

This bitch! This jazzy bitch! This well… she doesn’t seem like a bitch at all. Her creamy cafe latte skin put a hex on those critics! Her wild afro of sexual prowess confused their brains! This evil, or perfectly nice lady with the legs and feet and pretty smile, temptress voodoo cursed the already simple minded Grammy folks and now they have forsaken this one and only category that was perfectly set-up for one and only one person to win and that, of course, is a little fella from the great white north that puts the smiles on the faces of all the 15 year old ladies, Justin Bieber.

BIEBER WAS ROBBED!

Seriously, look at this kid. The Biebs is giving the reverse Peace sign, which does not mean he likes war, it actually means double the amount of peace. That’s what the fuck this kid is about. DOUBLE PEACE! That is just science. What is Esperanza Spalding about? She likes and plays jazz music. That’s one thing we know. She likes to be apart of international conspiracies to rob the teenagers of this world the only thing they could have possibly asked for for Christmas and that was a Justin Bieber Grammy for Best New Artist. We know that much. Is she a communist? Who isn’t these days? Right?! The President is supposedly a communist. If a smart man like Barack Obama could get roped into this communism, are we saying that the pinko commies are not smart enough to allure Esperanza Spalding? Yeah, I didn’t fucking think so!

What do we really know about this cellist succubus? She has soft lips like silk pillows? I’m guessing so. It looks like it. It really really looks like it. Her eyes penetrate into my soul making me want to terrible things to barely legal Canadian boys in her honor as to appease her like some Egyptian queen. AHHHH!!! SHE HAS ME UNDER HER SPELLS! IT IS ALL HER TRICKS!!! HER JAZZ TRICKS!

Finally! Thank you, Justin Bieber, for breaking that pretty lady witch’s sorcery. Here is Justin Bieber and Usher. I think we all know what I think of Usher – he is a national treasure. So much of a national treasure than Nicolas Cage should be hunting for Usher around the globe to solve some riddle regarding the founding fathers and the future destiny of mankind. I believe Usher is hiding a secret fortune of riches on him at all times. What are those riches? His friendship. And he shares that friendship with Justin Bieber. So… FUCKING BOOM! BOOM FUCKING BOOM! Are you telling me that a friend of other national treasures like Arnold Schwarzengger wouldn’t be a friend of yours? Are you telling me that you would like cross at a man like Sven Ole Thorsen? ARE YOU?! ARE YOU ESPERANZA SPALDING?!

Look at it this way -

A national treasure (Usher and/or Arnold Schwarzenegger)

is friends with someone (16 year old international pop sensation Justin Bieber and/or Danish actor, stuntman, bodybuilder, athlete and former World’s Strongest Man Sven-Ole Thorsen)

and wouldn’t you want to be friends with that person regardless of knowing anything else about them?

That person has to be a great person because national treasures only consort with other potential national treasures.

I just feel like I have to defend this Justin Bieber kid for two reasons:

1. He’s a 5’3″, 16 year old, pop star from Canada. He can’t defend himself. One thing makes him weaker than the next. There are some strong 5’3″ people out there, but they’re also not 16 and pop stars nor are they Canadian. He isn’t built for confrontations.

2. Who else will?

I feel like I’m all alone on this. I mean is there anyone else out there with the balls to take on the Grammys? Seriously, they are just too strong of an institution that they have probably all the governments of the world humming to their Esperanza Spalding tune. I heard that the riots in Egypt were because the Grammys wished for them to happen. And then they blew on a fallen eye lash and Mubarak resigned. You know that type of shit happens when the Grammys are involved. I heard the Grammys stopped production on Crystal Clear Pepsi and pulled the plug on The Wire. I heard they killed the Archduke Ferdinand and made Cameron Diaz annoying. I heard they boiled a kitten’s whiskers and made Dave Chappelle crazy. I heard they danced naked at sunrise, which created the Spiderman Broadway musical. And I believe last night, they stored all happy tears of a generation of young girls and confused middle age women and spread them over the remains of smashed Justin Timberlake CDs and cursed Justin Bieber into not winning Best New Artist.

If you’re thinking to yourself – maybe the Grammys like Jazz? First -

THEY HATE JAZZ!

Secondly, Milli Vanilli won a Best New Artist award, so why not Justin Bieber? It is just seems idiotic.

And now as this fine upstanding young man has had his rightful legs taken out from underneath him, others are kicking him in the ribs… like Yahoo:

This is what the Bieber wore last night. I’m not in love with it, but they gave him a D-. They gave him as close to failure as possible regarding these clothes. The only way to fail at wearing clothes is by not wearing them and he is fully clothed. But a D-? They are cowards attacking this fallen child! And if you’re curious if they gave everyone a D-…

This received a B. B?! This was a B in Yahoo’s mind. I’m pretty sure that this wouldn’t fly in a restaurant or a Rite Aid. What the fuck?! This is a B?! That is way beyond a passing grade. Not only is it passing, but that is an endorsement for others to attempt to wear clothes such as these. That is the insanity that the Grammys has brought upon our society. Not a rightful award for the child whose laughter has brought many happiness and whose falsetto half rapping has been the anthem for many in their pursuit of not giving up on finding a teenage boy of their own dreams. Meanwhile, this gets a fucking B.

If you’re wondering – Lady Gaga’s egg scored higher than Justin Bieber in a tux.

A pox! A pox on all your houses!

Lastly, let me say that Harry Nilsson’s classic “Best Friend” is the title of this post and is also appropriate for Justin Bieber the gentle soul American ally that he is. Here are the lyrics -

People let me tell you ’bout my best friend,
He’s a warm hearted person who’ll love me till the end.

People let me tell you bout my best friend,
He’s a one boy cuddly toy, my up, my down, my pride and joy.

People let me tell you ’bout him he’s so much fun
Whether we’re talkin’ man to man or whether we’re talking son to son.

Cause he’s my best friend.
Yes he’s my best friend.
(scat finish).*

*I wish all my posts could end with a scat finish.

This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #48

Well, it has been another week.

Yep. It certainly has been. It has been another 7 days since I’ve done the last one of these weekly wrap ups.

It has also been another set of 5 week days that will conclude with the weekend starting tomorrow.

It has been another week.

One more in the books. One more in the books of life. Actually, one less in the books of life if you view it that there is a book holding the weeks of your life and you are removing them until the book is empty. That’s a pleasant thought. Another fucking week.

How about a happy thought?

PUPPIES!

SWEATER PUPPIES

MORE PUPPIES!!!!

STILL KIND OF FAMOUS SWEATER PUPPIES!!!!!!

PUPPIES THAT TALK!!!!

ROBOCOP’S GUN!!!!!!

PUPPIES AND MACHINE GUNS!!!!

KARATE!!!!

KARATE SWEATER PUPPIES!!!!!

….

I could simply do this forever because there are so many combinations of puppies, sweater puppies, guns, karate, celebrities and other happy things like explosions, cookies, slam dunks, and butts. It could go on forever as mentioned, so I might as well get to the only possible conclusion and that is…

HASSLEHOFF PUPPIES!!!!!

Questions… and… answers…………… ooooohhhhoooooohhhhoooooohhhooohhhohohohoh

Question for Friday – why is the courtesy flush not commonly used in public restrooms?? Do you feel men utilize this more than women do?

That is disgusting. Right off the bat I’ve lost a lot of my interest about going into a woman’s bathroom. Well, I courtesy flush all the time. I courtesy flush in public. I courtesy flush in private. I sometimes go into the bathroom and flush the toilet even when no one has been in there just to make sure the water isn’t stagnant, the bowl is getting clean, and to give a big fuck you to the kids in Africa. That’s right kids in Africa. Even though it doesn’t make any sense in the world, me flushing a toilet somehow affects your water supply, so fuck you!

I went to this place called “college” for four years and while there guys were really open about their bathroom habits. I’m sure the same can be said for “camp”, but I never went to “camp” because they’re full of “child molesters” and “work”. “College” wasn’t really full of “work”. It was more full of “booze” and “bathroom habits of fellow male roommates” than anything else. But in “college”, the courtesy flush and what precedes the courtesy flush was open talk on the table at all times whether you liked it or not. I heard courtesy flushes originated in the military like all good ideas in this world.

Anyway, I courtesy flush. If you filthy bitches are not courtesy flushing then you can just chalk that up as another reason why there have only been male Presidents in these United States of Amerrrrrica.

Friday question: why are there no hot male prostitutes?

I’m glad you came to me with this question because I know way too much about this industry not to say something. I think you more or less answered your own question when you said that, I’m paraphrasing here, it’s called “going to any bar and just asking a guy to go to pound town”. I fully believe. Even more so, I think you could probably talk the guy into giving you some money out of the whole deal. As far as finding a man who is clean of any diseases and can please you at the same time? Well, I’m not entirely sure that can be said as a guarantee just because you’re paying a prostitute.

I know I spoke highly of prostitutes last week (seriously, that could be said at any point of my life – I’m always regaling people with the positives of prostitution – if I have a disease it is that one), but prostitution is a service industry just like any service industry. How do you know they’re a good mechanic? Just because they have their own place and people use them doesn’t mean they’re actually any good at their job. Maybe that “mechanic” is terrible at giving lube jobs – oh the glory of THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

As far as prostitution goes, I bet if there is a male strip club near you you can turn those guys into prostitutes pretty quickly. I think there is an undercurrent rumor that male strippers are gay, but they can’t all be gay. There has to be a percentage that are straight. Either way, I’ve never been to a male strip club, but I have seen footage of them in various movies and they look pretty graphic. They’re like a wink and a smile away from sex anyway, so there’s that option.

And, lastly, finally, I will say that all male prostitution can be found in the comfort of your own living room on a place called INTERNET DATING WEBSITES! Seriously, I would bet money like real money – that you set-up an OkCupid or PlentyofFish account and just solicit guys for sex on it and you’ll get that sex. In that way, you’ll not only be getting the male prostitute for free (unless you go to a pay site like Match or you literally tell the guy you will pay – which I think is on most men’s bucket lists), but you will also find out that his favorite book is The Catcher In The Rye (great gay porn movie title) and they love Italian food.

Have we opened a stargate to the planet of People Who Need Hugs?

I’m down for hugs like almost always. Especially from good looking women or men I admire. I think we all are due for hug. I don’t know when the last time someone hugged you, but it couldn’t hurt to have another like right now. You don’t need to get your car’s oil changed every time you go out for a drive, but it wouldn’t hurt the car any. Get a hug. Go get a hug right now. Plus hugs are free. I have yet to pay for a hug in my life. So let’s open that Stargate for this planet of hugless people because we currently are on a planet of people who give hugs and people who like getting hugs.

This could be the best outcome to any interplanetary meeting.

Alien Leader – We’re aliens and we come from a distant planet and we want to destroy Earth because no one hugs us.

Human Leader aka Barack Obama – You want hugs? If we give you hugs you won’t destroy Earth? Let me get this straight, you all want hugs? Your whole planet?

Alien Leader – Yes. We all want hugs.

Barack Obama – Well, come on. Get in here for the real thing. I’ll give you a hug.

They hug and Alien Leader sheds a single tear and also smells Barack’s neck a little. I mean the man must smell of lavish soaps and cologne – HE’S THE PRESIDENT FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

Barack Obama – Hey U2, Bono and Edge, give those other aliens some hugs.

Bono – I was already planning on it. I have hugged at least one dozen people from every country on Ear-

Barack Obama – I didn’t say to talk. Just give them a hug. If you’re opening your mouth, it better be to sing “The Sweetest Thing” or not at all.

Bono and Edge begin hugging and humming the opening of “The Sweetest Thing”.

Barack Obama – Michael Rappaport get your hands dirty and hug some of the aliens. Also, can I get someone from the Secret Service to get Brett Kiesel from the Pittsburgh Steelers out here to give some of these aliens great big grizzly bear hugs with that beard of his. I’m sure they’ll like that. And start working the rolodex and get a list going of good huggers like Will Smith, Bill Clinton, Tom Hanks, Edward James Olmos… where’s Biden at? He’s a good hugger.

Best movie ever.

Must one be famous to possess want?

Absolutely not. Have you heard of this website called Facebook? Those people aren’t famous who are on there, but you can find some certifiable grade A Angus Kobe beef want on there. It really comes down to the fact that celebrities are getting their pictures taken a lot and we want them to want IT, so we do see it. Sometimes they really do want IT and sometimes they just are looking like they want IT because they know that we want them to want IT. I mean imagine you’re dressed to the nines and a mass of photographers are yelling at you how great you look and snapping pictures and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are inches from you and people are screaming and you have had a few tequila shots in the limousine on the ride over. I mean it would be pretty easy to want IT at that point.

But regardless of circumstance, Kristen Stewart wants IT and it’s like being tied to the tracks as a freight train is coming at a billion miles an hour about to smash you to the afterlife.

Not a lot of black people working in Hollywood, are there?

Yeah, that was very telling. This was an awfully white Oscar nominees list. There are some movies I wish were nominated, but there weren’t any black people in them either I suppose. Hmmm… I would have to really think about what movies came out this year if the black peopl should have been up there or not.

is it possible to know both the location and the extent of the Want *at the same time*?!

Kristen’s want? The extent is infinity and human brains cannot understand the concept of infinity. I mean we get that there is a word “infinity”, but that’s about it. So definitely we can’t understand the “extent” of it in that sense. As for the location, if you have a GPS on where that chick from the Twilight movies is at then there is some want going over there. There is want happening almost everywhere, but there is always want pouring out of that she vixen like a waterfall every given hour of the day.

What the hell is Nicki Minaj ? Where did that thing came from? Is it a dumpster baby of lil Kim and Missy Eliot?

She is very similar to Lil’ Kim. Missy Elliott is her on breed of crazy and I don’t think anyone will be able to recreate what she did. A lot of people have gotten crazier because of her success and want to have similar success, but no one sounds like her completely. Nicki is a lot more like Lil’ Kim than Missy. Also, Missy has always somewhat scared me. Meanwhile, I always thought Lil’ Kim was really attractive and I think Nicki is even more attractive than Lil’ Kim. Nicki Minaj is built like someone was drawing a caricature of a curvy woman and somehow she exists. I don’t get it. But I bet she would get CRAZY ANNOYING after being with her for like 5 minutes.

What if Kristen Stewart, in search of a place to watch the superbowl, wandered into a buffalo wild wings?

If she wandered into the Buffalo Wild Wings that I was in for the split second I was in, I would have probably laughed so hard at that moment that I would give myself a brain aneurysm. The sheer ridiculousness of seeing her in person at this point of running this blog for a year and a half would just be too funny.

As for any Buffalo Wild Wings, I’d imagine the lights would dim and the TVs would flicker like how Hollywood portrays people who got hit by magical lightning aka John Travolta in Phenomenon.

What is WRONG with Charlie Sheen’s arm in that picture?

It was difficult to look at the picture twice because his crotch was just so in your face, but I don’t have a clue what is up with his arm in that picture. Maybe he paid a prostitute to do that.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

The Golden Years Of Television: To Catch A Predator

Earlier this week, the website Buzz Feed posted 25 screen captures of what they thought were the best from the greatest television show to ever be on television ever To Catch a Predator.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-25-best-to-catch-a-predator-screencaps-ever

In short, I will repost these pictures and add a witty line or two, if you’re lucky, about these screen grabs.

And so it begins…

I too have trouble controlling my “horny level”. I understand your plight well blindsey_01.

Oh right, some of you might not know or not remember what To Catch a Predator is and probably showing you a screen capture of a man probably in his 20′s talking about his inability to control his “horny level” was wildly unexpected to you.

To Catch a Predator began as a one-off special episode for Dateline NBC, which is a one hour news show on NBC that focuses on features articles and not just day-to-day news. They decided one magical day to begin work on an article exposing would-be child molesters who try to pick up underage kids online. They did this with a group called “Perverted Justice”, which would be an excellent name for your band and/or first album for that band.

Working with local law enforcement, “Perverted Justice” would go online and arrange dates/meetings with some sickos in online chat rooms looking to bang a 13 year old girl and/or boy and then when the person arrives at the house….!

NBC’s Chris Hansen was there waiting to see you and talk to you about what ludicrous things you were about to do.

After Chris Hansen questioned and thoroughly humiliated most of the people, they would leave said house to be arrested by local police. This show did a lot of good. I don’t know how many of those people ended up in jail or are still in jail, but nothing can be said bad about fucking with child molesters, screwing with their lives, maybe sending them to jail and at the very least hopefully making them think twice about MOLESTING CHILDREN.

For whatever good the show did, that is not the point. What is the point is that Chris Hansen was the star of arguably the funniest television show to ever exist. I started rewatching To Catch a Predator which is all over Youtube and the show is still too funny. After all, the news is entertainment and Chris Hansen is unreal entertaining. From his quips to his long drawn out pauses to him just re-reading their chat logs back to them. BRILLIANT!

Anyway, now that we’re all clued in -

Hey blindsey_01 I can think of two things that could help you control your horny level:

1. The orc sword of Menisrah has a horny suppressing element of 2, is fire resistant and can deal damage to black mages, which we all know it’s hard to find a weapon that can physically damage a black mage and help with controlling the fire damage they deal out.

2. The mirror. Your face could help lower anyone’s “horny level”.

How about we put this under the “let’s not and say we did” category? Alright? Cool.

I would advise changing your underwear everyday and unless you’re hiking and not near a washing machine then you shouldn’t be in a situation where you are wearing the same underwear for 3 days straight. It gets funky down there and the underwear is the first thing that is touching the funk.

Also, if you are flirting with someone and their response is “4 relz?” then you should stop unless you are flirting with Flavor Flav. And “wrestlingdudeeasttn”? He doesn’t look the type to have been wrestling in East Tennessee and looks more like he was watching wrestling in East Tennessee.

This could be my favorite. It appears “Sugardavis” has tourette’s syndrome and his tick of choice is telling people to blaze. Besides “Sugardavis” being a child molester he is also a terrible mentor for young children. Lastly, I feel like “Sugardavis” should just go for the cycle and buy an unregistered firearm and shoot an endangered animal because he is already propositioning a minor for sex and planning on doing illegal drugs with them. He must have woke up really early that day.

Also, maybe I’m just reading into things, but I feel like “Sugardavis” would be a real prick about his music selection. Shut up, buddy. I don’t care what you say, The Grateful Dead are not the best band of the 70′s plus you’re a child molester.

Stage 4 clinger. What is with these guys? You’re a child molester! Not a 110 year old vampire in her science class. Don’t you see the difference?

If you really wanted to hear more from “hambubger” then fear not…

What?! I don’t know what is more disturbing to me:

1. A grown man who is asking a 13 year old to just wear pink panties when she greets him at the door?

or

2. A 13 year old girl who has the motivation to go online and orchestrate a sexual rendezvous with a 40 year old man, but not have the drive to go to the local Rite Aid and pick up themselves a pack of M&Ms?

Yeah, it is definitely #1.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

This would be such a good Facebook or twitter profile picture if it weren’t for the fact that it belongs to a child molester.

By the way, I am not a child molester and I do have a twitter account – http://www.twitter.com/jordan_is_ok – I write some funny quips and link to 80′s music videos, so that rules.

I’m not a detective, but he’s talking about “anal”. First off, I find it comforting to know that there are at the very least 6 other “lovesource” in the world. People are so cynical about today’s world and to know that there is just this many sources of love is a good thing. How many sources of love were there in the 50′s? Who knows, but I bet having at least 7 of them now is a tough number to conquer for the 50′s. Also, that may very well be “lovesource7″ minutes before going to his prom in that picture. Lastly, if “lovesource7″ is willing to “believe” anal is enjoyable “to the ladies” then you might as well go for it. Would “lovesource7″ lie? Really? Who is cynical now?

Yeah. There are 7 “lovesource” and there are 8 “meatrocket”. Yeah. That sounds about right. Couldn’t have chosen a more appropriate name for this man than “meatrocket8″. All class. This guy is just a class fucking act. Someone needs to do a psychological study on people choosing screen names and first up should be “meatrocket8″ because BOOM! that isn’t a passive aggressive screen name at all. You can’t escape the “meatrocket” either I would imagine. It’s a rocket. It’s made of meat.

Having trouble relating to the younger generation? Drop a “waz sup” on them. That will blow their fucking minds. Especially if you are rocking a Tom Selleck on your face.

Oh he certainly is. This guy has the soul of a Nascar driver in the body of a middle age child molester – if that isn’t a tale set to be written for Hollyweird then I don’t know what is. I’m also guessing “toofast4yall” was taken and this guy wouldn’t let that genius go to waste, so he tacked on the 2003 for good measure. Generally speaking, a year marker at the end of a screen name is either a birth date or a start date on the internet. This man could have been born in 1953 instead of 2003, so I’ll guess 2003 is the beginning of his world wide web experience. This TV show is several years old at this point, so it did not take long for “toofast4yall” to use the new idiot box to troll for kids. He is “too fast” “4″ us “all”.

Truth. The “decoy” cannot beat a person up or use them as a toilet over the internet… BUT hopefully that is what those scientists are up to nowadays. God darn it! I want to make someone my toilet over the interwebz NOW! Seriously, my question is does a submissive like this dude clearly is or wants to pretend he is have to be a submissive to an underage kid? Come on! How weird does your sex have to get? Can’t it just be your getting slapped around by an adult? Can’t you just get peed on by a person of a legal drinking age? What’s the big deal? I mean why can’t he just meet a nice girl who voted in the 2008 general election and have her kick him in the ribs and then shit on his head?

Hahahahahahah. I MUST GO SHOPPING. On the forum I go to, this was their favorite. They were pitching the potential of an internet meme around this guy’s “I MUST GO SHOPPING”, which I fully support. He’s also great just for his shouty caps. DO U HAVE ANY COUNDOM. Do eye have any coundum? I’m a fan of his spelling of “coundum” because it is incorrect and he clearly must not pronounce the word condom correctly when he says it. It also makes me imagine him saying the world out loud trying to figure it out phonetically. Also, the “any” is great. Do you have “any” coundum? You have no of them. There are so many coundoms in the world, how do you no have any of them? I MUST GO SHOPPING.

Judging by the pixelatedness of that image, that Asian man is nekkid. He doesn’t know how to spell condom, but at the very least he is promoting safe sex when trolling the internet for children. He’s teaching a valuable lesson to the children.

Definitely a high school year book photo. Also, I know it doesn’t say “Jay Leno”, but saying “J teno” in my head makes me think of “Jay Leno”. That has nothing to do with the late night talk show host, but I’m just saying what is going on in my brain. Also, the numbers after “teno” being 72960 is either a zip code or a birth date of a much older person than the depressed looking soccer jersey wearing guy in the photo.

Can’t argue with that. You absolutely cannot argue with that logic. Sometimes people “just” do anal sex first. I mean sometimes that happens. Sometimes you “just” do anal sex. It’s no big deal. It’s “just” a penis in your butt hole. I mean sometimes people “just” watch reruns of The Office on TBS because they have nothing else to do. I’ve also wanted to talk about this subject before the “you have anal sex and you’re still a virgin” concept. That is some phenomenal bullshit right there. I would never call a girl who has a dude’s junk up her butt – virginal. You catch my drift? She’s not wearing white on her wedding day without a room full of stares and head shakes if they all know about the open door policy on her butt. No father on this Earth has been relieved to hear that his daughter “just” had anal sex with the guy. You know what I’m saying!

Even a grown ass woman shouldn’t date “icetruckkiller103″. First off, “icetruckkiller”? Is that a reference to Dexter? If it is or not there are 40,000 other guys waiting to hear from you on OkCupid and they don’t have a serial killer reference in the title of their name. Secondly, your first date with the dude is going to be getting high and watching Family Guy and then seeing where that “takes us”? What is he your freshman college roommate? Dinner and a movie, dickbag, That’s pretty much standard. We are not getting high off your dirt weed on your dirt couch in your dirt t-shirt watching a TV show that hasn’t been relevant since South Park ruined it years ago with the manatee episode.

lovermangenuis

KA-FUCKING-BLAM!

Oh man, that is gold. You’ve got me sold on a name that starts off with “lover”. Right there you are already at an “A” and you have two more words to go. Second word is “man”. Kind of threw me for a loop, but I’m not against it. “loverman” is a pretty great combo and I cannot think of a word that could follow the “loverman” tag team that wouldn’t deliver. “genuis”. Fucking grade A plutonium weapons grade explosive world ending BRILLIANT! Fucking brilliant. The “loverman” misspells “genius” as “genuis”. Fuck that is good. I could eat that goodness breakfast, lunch and dinner and never get sick of it. That is a meal that keeps on reinventing itself. And he’s a shirtless muscly black dude with absolutely no hair anywhere to speak of. What more could you fucking want people!?!

Boom. That conversation happened.

I don’t know when that conversation happened on this planet Earth, but I would bet top dollar that you were not having anywhere near as good of a conversation at that moment in time. That’s quite a lot of “talk” if it requires “condums”. If you’re “talking” to someone to the point that there is a chance you could get “pregs” then that is one hell of a talk. Also, if you know a “Sebastian” in life and you don’t call him “Sea Bass” then you have been wasting your time with that friendship. What’s the point of knowing a Sebastian if you’re not going to call him Sea Bass? There is no point.

Boom. Round fucking two.

Unreal conversation. Unreal that “bob” who clearly started his travels on the intangible http networks of the world on October 28th, 2001 is ratcheting this convo up to that level. Can’t you imagine this slobbering middle age man eating ice cream in general? That shit will be all over that mustache. It would be every where. And for people who think that “Perverted Justice” wasn’t fucking with these guys and having fun – “funky monkey”? They could have said anything after that dumbass comment of him eating ice cream off of some kid, but they decided to write “funky monkey”. That is humor there. That is entertainment. Those people are genuis.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Again!!!!! “Perverted Justice” are funnier than any George Carlin stand-up ever. Oh really, George Carlin? Catholicism is stupid because they believe there’s a man in the sky with super powers? That’s a real knee slapper. How about next time you try cornering a sex offender on the internet and when they ask if you’re a cop you give ‘em a “durr”. That is fucking funny. “Durr”!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Go out into this world and when someone asks you a question give them a “Durr” with a capital “D” in response and you will be having a good time.

Is this what child molesters talk to kids about? Boot shopping? Unbelievable. You couldn’t write that. Who would guess? Boots. Then the “Perverted Justice” person just goes with it. “wow u mean for like big ones”? Hahahahah who the fuck talks like that?! If I was trying to get into someone’s pants over the internet – regardless of age – I could never imagine telling them we could go boot shopping. After that, if they responded with “wow u mean for like big ones?” – regardless of age – I would think they are retarded. Like in the medically retarded sense.

The next one is the greatest follow-up ever…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

There certainly was an elephant in the room about this whole “boot shopping”.

Are you telling me this TV show was free? I feel like I need to give someone money because this show was so fucking funny. That is an unfortunate, but true rhyme.

I threw up. Ohhhh that is disgusting. Why is that so disgusting? Is it because he kind of looks like Louis CK and is holding that dog? Someone needs to get that dog away from him. I fear for the dog. Ugh – I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat anything with “noodles” again. I just reread it and threw up in my mouth again. Why does it sound so graphic? I’m thoroughly disgusted by this man. I need to avert my eyes not to by chance read this again.

The final two pictures are of the same molester and they kind of sum up how I feel after thinking about these people and other people like them out in the world…

And this is for the “noodle” comment…

So again, it was basically the greatest TV show ever.

I wish they had it back every week.