Scantily Clad Men Are Homophobic and Scantily Clad Women are Sexist

I’ve got the sniffles today from the ever changing weather and my head actually aches and my ears hurt and I have post nasal drip like a boss and my bowel movements smell like death.

I spent most of yesterday expecting this sickness as well as being outrageously furious for the most of the day. I decided to add to the fury and read bad reviews for the movie Sucker Punch.

Yesterday, in my flawlessly brilliant lampooning of the New York Times article by Jan Hoffman, I did mention that I saw Sucker Punch and I loved it. I loved it up real good. I loved it for many reasons. I loved it for the straight forward visual feast and action spectacular the movie was. I loved the look, the art direction, the costumes, yes – the hot chicks, the fight choreography, the CGI and just the endless imagination. I loved the references to numerous forms of art and entertainment that I love like videogames, manga, anime, sci-fi, fantasy, war movies, steampunk style, ninjas, samurais, big dragons shooting fire.

Secondly, I loved Sucker Punch for being a female lead 300. I loved that a series of girls in a movie were not planning each others wedding or complaining about boys or talking about how many calories they had for lunch or shoes or shoes or shoes or cosmos! No, I liked watching a bunch of chicks kick the ever living shit out of Nazi robots the same way Zack had a crew of leather thong wearing dudes chopping the heads off of invading Persians in 300.

Thirdly, I loved Sucker Punch for its dark harrowing storyline that was fueled by alternate realities and dream sequences and a murkiness of vantage points that leads one to guess how this all played out and what was real and all throughout the story it is a mix of Alice in Wonderland and Terry Gilliam’s Brazil.

Fourthly, I love reading Zack Snyder talk about Sucker Punch.

And with all this talk about Sucker Punch and Zack Snyder…

I decided to read about something that I never really investigated on my own and was curious if it was anymore complicated and any more articulate than what friends have told me…

300 is homophobic!!!!

dunh

DunH

DUNH

The first time I heard about this was, well, awhile ago, but I didn’t give it much creedance.

I, originally, heard that this theory came from Alan Moore the writer of such phenomenal works as Watchmen, V for Vendetta, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and so on and so on and so on and he still writes to this day.

I had heard that he had said something about the movie being homophobic and fascist and so forth, but I really didn’t care what he thought too too too much. Reason being: Alan Moore is crazy. I absolutely love Alan Moore. Love him to death. I love those books mentioned above and I love everything I have ever read by him. I even loved his Swamp Thing stuff, which I was thoroughly cynical about because really how deep could Swamp Thing get? He’s a fucking walking tree who talks to birds and flowers. Anyway, he can get really fucking deep. It was great. Nevertheless, when Alan gets interviewed about movies (usually movies) he gets a little out there. He is a bit biased because Hollywood did destroy some of his earlier works like From Hell, The League and so forth, but Hollywood did a pretty great to excellent job with Watchmen and V for Vendetta. Either way, he usually doesn’t acknowledge that. Instead he goes off on rants.

Secondly, Alan Moore is crazy liberal and Frank Miller, who wrote 300, is pretty hardcore conservative. The two are contemporaries and don’t get along I assume. And Alan is very sexually open minded in action and in theory as he has a whole comic book company dedicated to writing about gays/transgenders and so forth and then he also has had orgies involving himself and his beard and other mens and womens. So, crazy reclusive Alan Moore doesn’t like some movie based on a comic book he doesn’t like written by a comic book writer he doesn’t like and he is claiming it is homophobic… that’s what I heard.

I decided to go on the webz yesterday and read what people were saying…

300 is homophobic for two things… dos cosas…

1. Remember that dude Leonidas? The one who said all the best lines in the movie and was played by Gerard Butler? Well, before he kicks the messenger into the pit of eternity with the THIS IS SPARTA! Earlier in the convo he drops this – “See, rumor has it the Athenians have already turned you down, and if those philosophers and, uh, boy-lovers have found that kind of nerve, then… “

Is that homophobic? “boy-lovers”? Philosophers and, uh, boy-lovers? Personally, I took that as pedophiles. Guys who fuck boys. You know actual boys. Not like how a gaggle of 30 year old womens who are going out for appletinis will say “hey what are the boys up to?” and they really mean full grown dudes who went through puberty years upon years earlier and have receding hairlines and such and have gray hair behind their ears and such. Not like how grandparent ladies still call their female friends “girl friends” when they are so un-understandably old that they remember a period of time before The Great Depression.

I’m pretty sure that reference to “boy-lovers” is alongside the very well understood nature of Socrates fucking Plato as a child, Plato fucking Aristotle as a child, Aristotle fucking Alexander the Great and so on or whatever. In some of Plato’s dialogues with Socrates the old philosopher men are patting young boys on the head, which was code for them molesting the ever living shit out of them.

So, I don’t think that was homophobic – I think that was more anti-sex with boys. Whether or not it is true that Spartans did not have sex with boys or that they ran around speaking English wasn’t really the point. The Spartans were supposed to be the modern men where women had rights and they fought for their own land despite what the masters had said and they were doers with all their big ass muscles as opposed to old men in togas having sex with young boys while talking gibberish about religion to each other.

2. Xerxes wore make-up, jewelry, and at one time he stood behind Leonidas and put his hands on his shoulders, so Xerxes was all purposefully the embodiment of GAY and Leonidas was the straight man trying to kill him.

That’s what the argument is. And to that I say – ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! You are giving an awful lot of credit to Frank Miller if he thought that up and put that in his comic. The comic book is pretty bare bones at 88 pages or so long and mostly filled with dudes running a spear through attacking enemies’ heads. As for a sweeping homophobic stance on gays because the one dude wore jewelry and the other dude didn’t and they fought each other? What?! So what would have made this movie 300 not homophobic is when Xerxes comes up from behind Leonidas that Leonidas for a minute drops to his knees and blows the 7 foot Xerxes and then afterward he still tells him that they are going to fight or does he have to then keep blowing Xerxes for all of eternity?

Their argument is that Xerxes is gay because he wears jewelry and make-up. That sounds more homophobic than anything that Zack Snyder has said. Every guy who wears jewelry and make-up is gay. Ok? I mean that could be a fair assumption. I took the jewelry and make-up to support the dialogue of the movie where Xerxes is talked about being so vane that he believes not only that the song is about him, but that he’s a God. So he gets dressed up like a God. He’s got all this lavish shit, he has a chariot that is a stone structure that dudes carry him own and all that shit. Xerxes has all this gold and thinks the world is beneath him and talks about the beauty of his freaks and blah blah blah and he is just an insane vane man who believes he is a God.

As for the scene where Leonidas meets Xerxes… So Xerxes comes up from behind Leonidas and puts his hands on his shoulders and whispers to him about how he can make him a God. Here some people have said he is trying to convert Leonidas into being gay. I sincerely believe that is just people saying anything is a metaphor for anything. Xerxes is trying to seduce Leonidas into… surrendering. He wants him to give up. They have a secret meeting. In the secret meeting he appeals to Leonidas about what he already knows – he’ll die fighting him. And in that doubt about dying and so forth, Xerxes lays it on pretty thick about how he’ll make Leonidas the ruler of all of Greece and so on and so on and his people will live and he’ll have all this wealth and he’ll be able to do all these things. Xerxes is the bad guy and through that seduction to giving up the fight, he is standing behind him like 7 foot tall guy he is and whispering to him like a snake in the Garden of Eden and getting inside his mind about what would be better – dying tomorrow on the field of battle and never seeing your family or people again… or I could make you a greater ruler if you just step aside.

Basically…

But I guess I’m wrong for viewing it that way. I guess I’m wrong and other people are right because they think this movie is one big anti-gay movie even though the movie shows more male skin than any other movie I can think of ever. It’s a bunch of the buffest dudes slapping each other on the ass in leather thongs grunting and sweating and being manly, but apparently, it is homophobic because at no point does King Leonidas take a shot cum in the mouth.

Oh I’m sorry, does that happen in other movies? Are all movies that do not feature a gay sex scene homophobic?

Do you know what movie is homophobic?

Toy Story

All of them.

Yeah, they are some homophobic bullshit.

You know why?

Because the whole movie is about keeping two male characters who obviously have gay feelings for each other away from each other. That’s fucking right…

Woody?!

Buzz?!

One is a cowBOY and the other is an ASS-tronaut and those don’t want to fuck each other?!

READ BETWEEN THE LINES!!!!!

It is society! It is society in the form of that bitch Bo Beep and those ratty kids that are keeping these two men from fucking and sucking each other until they shoot plastic jizz all over each other. If society didn’t permeate their brains with this idea that they cannot go any further than just being best friends who help each other out in these adventures then they would see what is so fucking obvious to all of us that they just want to jam their cock in each other so badly while that dinosaur is fellated by Mr. Potato HEAD and the slinky dog humps a pillow and watches.

Seriously! How homophobic is that movie?! I don’t remember a single scene of circle jerking or ass play between Woody and Buzz, so it is clearly a homophobic movie. Who dresses up as a cowboy? Gay guys. Who dress up in general? Gay guys. And doesn’t Buzz have roller skates with rockets? Who loves roller skates and rockets? GAYS! So they’re not fucking each other because of stupid society holding them apart and now the truth is out there that the people of Pixar are clearly homophobic.

Name a Pixar movie where a dude sticks his dick in another dude’s ass?

Name one?

That’s right!

PIXAR HATES GAY PEOPLE!

You read it here first!

There is no way around it because it was a male robot aboard the main spaceship and WALL-E was male clearly, but he spend so much time running around chasing that girl robot who clearly hated the male robot because he was gay and then when the male robot finally got his hands on WALL-E the female robot did everything she could to keep them away from each other. HOMOPHOBES!

Or what The Incredibles! That is not only homophobic because there is the love of a young admiring boy who grows up to be a man who idolizes Mr. Incredible and even puts him in that sex torture S&M device and, of course, he’s such a homophobe that he has to try and get away instead of just having all the gay sex with Syndrome or whatever. And of course, Mr. Incredible’s bitch of a wife who is pushing a right wing heterosexual agenda down our throats defeats the all male and gay pride army of Syndrome. Plus the movie is racist because Frozone or whatever is black and he’s just Mr. Incredible’s little helper. Oh Massa! Massa Incredible! I wazzuh so uh worries abouts you! I’m-uh so happies you called Massa! Sure I’ll help you fights the robotzzz! And does Frozone have a happy family life like Mr. Incredible?! NO! Why is Frozone not the star of the movie?! Why does Frozone have to be a sharp dresser with a turtle neck? Because all black people are?! RACIST RACIST RACIST!

Yeah, I’m done.

Fucking fuck.

Thursday.

 

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