You Know You WANT IT. Don’t Even Try To Fucking Lie To Me. Now, You Are Going To Get IT!
August 23, 2011
ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!
ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!
ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!
ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!
ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!
ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!
ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!
ANIMAL VIDEOS!!!!!
KOALAS!?!?!?!
ALLIGATORS!?!?!?!
BEARS!??!?!?!?!?!?!?1?
CHEETAHS!?!?!?!?!?!
COUGARS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
FOSSAS!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?
….
…
..
.
MOTHERFUCKING NO!!!!!! N-O!!!!
Listen very closely…
The first animal of our two animal videos is a…
shhhh….
shhh…
shh…
sh…
s…
…
… … s
BABY ELEPHANT!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK!!!!! SO CUTE!!!! GET! INTO! THAT! FUCKING! POOL!!!!! ALREADY!!!!!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! GET IN THE DAMN POOL!!!!
YOU’RE SO FUCKING CLOSE TO GETTING INTO THAT DAMN POOL!!!!
Yes, you’ve got it, you’ve got it…. NO!!! FUCK!!!! You curled up the side again! Damn it! What I would give for you to finally accomplish your goal of sitting in that hilarious small inflatable pool, baby elephant. DO IT! DO IT ALREADY AND MAKE MY LIFE COMPLETE!!!! Yes, you got it… you almost have it… now just step ove— FUCK!!!! DAMN IT, BABY ELEPHANT!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! GET INTO THAT FUCKING POOL!!!!
shhhhh…. ok… shhh … let’s all keep a level head here including and especially you, baby elephant. Now, just focus on that task at hand. Actually, let’s start from the beginning.
You are a baby elephant. You clearly see that there is cool and clean water coming out of the hose that zookeeper, Geoff, is holding. The water is accumulating in this plastic ring structure on the ground. You want into that ring structure. Now, the problem is that it isn’t a very sturdy structure and you are a clumsy and extremely heavy baby elephant. So, let’s just think about this. You will need to take careful step over the short pink retaining wall and make sure all four of your big baby elephant are inside and then you will be able to ease baby elephant-ness/self down onto the thin plastic bottom of the structure where there is at the most an inch of water lying in wait for you. Oh how sweet life will be once you just accomplish this task—
FUCK!!!! YOU FUCKED IT UP AGAIN!!!! AHAHHHAHAHAHHHHHHHH DAMN IT!!!
There’s only 10 seconds left in the video and you’re not any closer to getting into the pool then when I was first presented with this universe of a baby elephant trying to get into a comically small inflatable pool.
FUCK!
And it’s over.
Damn you, baby elephant. I have not been more disappointed in the outcome of a video since I watched the first season of Treme. John Goodman just kills himself? That’s it! That’s what I’m taking away from New Orleans? People just kill themselves for the fuck of it? Great TV show. I guess you have to fail at some point. Homicide was great, The Wire was the greatest, The Corner was good, Generation Kill was the greatest… and Treme was fun and then wildly unfulfilling.
I still love you, baby elephant. But I am mad at you.
I will say that whichever company made that inflatable pool should definitely use this as their commercial. If a baby elephant can’t break this pool by stomping on it continuously for who knows how long then your stupid little evil kids shouldn’t be able to either. Or at least without weapons. Kids do find weapons though. I remember having a cache of pointed sticks hidden in the backyard of my house, so my next door neighbor and I could have easy access to them when the invisible ninja army would lay siege to our homes. Just for clarification – I was in kindergarten. Although, I won’t lie – if my friends were up for it nowadays, I would still fight invisible ninjas with pointed sticks. I feel like the fight has left them as they’ve gotten older. That fire to destroy all invisible ninjas is just not in their heart anymore.
It’s sad really.
Hmmmmm… … … we need something up lifting now.
OH WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAVE A SECOND ANIMAL VIDEO!!!!!!!!!!!
YES!!!! YES!!!! MOTHERFUCKING YES!!!!!
What is the animal?
I’ll give you a hint…
It is fucking bad ass.
I’ll give you a second hint…
It would eat you if it could.
I’ll give you a third hint…
It has appeared in several movies.
Do you think you have it?
Ok…
The…
Animal…
In…
The…
Second…
Animal…
Video…
In…
Today’s…
Post…
About…
Animal…
Videos…
Which…
Will…
Also…
Be…
The…
Last…
Animal…
Video…
For…
Today’s…
Post…
But…
Really…
You…
Only…
Need…
This…
Video…
To…
Get…
You…
Through…
The…
Rest…
Of…
The…
Day…
Especially…
Since…
You…
Already…
Saw…
The…
Baby…
Elephant…
Video…
Ok…
I’ll…
Stop…
Stalling…
The…
Animal…
Is…
A…
DINOSAUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is the entire video. Just that sound. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! All from the mouths of children.
Can you think of a more pleasant sound then an entire school of children screaming in both wild terror/complete amusement? It is as if their world could not be more exciting and more closer to ending every fucking second. It’s just I’m going to die and this may be the greatest moment of my life all the time. AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!! I DON’T WANT IT TO EVER END!!!!! That’s what she said, am I right?
Also, I fucking hate every single one of these children because they got this dinosaur to come to their school and I didn’t.
Plus, dinosaur is enough of a description.
I know people, including myself – yeah, I know me, that like to get all nerdy with the dinosaur names. They’ve all got great crazy names that sound as big and ridiculous as most dinosaurs are. And yeah, I’ve seen Jurassic Park a 100 times and so have you if you’ve lived your life properly and I’ve read the book and I know most of you have as well. But let’s be honest here… if you’re having a conversation and you bring up DINOSAURS and the person is like holding back their enthusiasm and is like “well, what dinosaur was it?” then you can just fucking kick them in the fucking face and tell them to fuck the fuck off because we’re talking about fucking dinosaurs, you fucking turd!
DINOSAURS!!!!!
They rule! And that’s all you fucking need to know.
Oh, was it a velociraptor? Well, I have a question for you. If it wasn’t a velociraptor and let’s say it was a dilophosaurus, are you not interested in the story anymore? If that’s the case then…
WE’RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE OR EVER AGAIN!!!
What’s up?
Then you nerve pinch them and bounce and make them pick up the check when ever they wake up from unconsciousness.
… but honestly it won’t matter at all.
Yes, the people have spoken! Boo remakes! The people did not go to the movies this weekend and if they did – it was not to see vampires, horror or shitty action… all in 3D! Excellent job people. I guess. Over the weekend, the two movies that debuted were Conan the Barbarian and Fright Night. As for their weekend grosses were in a word “gross”.
CONAN – $10 million
FRIGHT NIGHT – $8.3 million
WOWZERS!!!!
Holy failure, Batman!
The studio execs and the media may blame this shitty shitty shitty opening weekend on the “dog days of Summer”, but that is retarded. I don’t have a better word to use besides retarded because that is just a retarded notion. Movies don’t fail this badly for any other reason than no one wanted to see them. I had not read from a single person that they were excited to see Conan in the least bit. Many had pointed out how the movie looked a lot less “barbarian” in terms of European and a lot more Samoan or Islander-y. Sure, that could be racist, but either way it didn’t sell tickets.
As for Fright Night, it got so many good reviews — wha wha what happened?! Fright Night is at a solid 74% right now on Rotten Tomatoes. Generally movies of its ilk do not get positive reviews like this. If you’re curious Conan is drowning around 25%. Funnily enough, Fright Night’s 74% is one percent higher than The Help’s 73%, which was what won the weekend in its second week out.
The Help making $20+ is a solid effort for that movie in general. Even with Rise of the Planet of the Apes in its 3rd week making over $16+ million is decent. Spy Kids 4D made $12 million. I really don’t know what that movie was supposed to make, but I think you’re a questionable parent if you’re taking your kid to see that bullshit. Those Spy Kids movies (all of them) look fucking atrocious. I guess that’s easy for me to say as a non-parent. I’m not dealing with whatever screaming nonsense that kid is usually making, so I’d probably dump them in a movie that screams and shoots colors more than they do just to drown them out for an hour or two. But we are feeding the problem doing this. It’s a never ending cycle until they become a goth and stop talking altogether, but to write their poetry or sing in an emo black metal band.
Anyway… what’s my point? People did go to the movies this weekend. They just didn’t want to see those movies. Why? I don’t know. People make a lot of questionable decisions when seeing movies, but whatever is the conclusion it’s not that it was too hot out. That’s a stupid answer. When it’s too hot people like AC and malls and movie theaters have that. Everyone wasn’t at the beach or even have access to one.
Maybe people don’t find Colin Farrell that sexy anymore. Maybe people just don’t care about him being a vampire or not. Maybe people really don’t know about the original movie Fright Night. Maybe Fright Night wasn’t as big of a deal to people as they thought and the title of that movie is almost too cheesy for audiences now. Maybe Anton Yelchin isn’t as marketable as Shia LaBeouf. Maybe that guy who played Dr. Who of all the previous Dr. Whos isn’t that famous to get people to go see the movie. Maybe people couldn’t decide whether it was a comedy or a horror movie and didn’t trust it like the white Airhead with the mystery flavor that always tastes the same, so when they got to the theater they decided to watch all those white ladies gossip with the slave ladies and write a book about it… or maybe people saw ABC Family was running a Karate Kid marathon all weekend and decided to stay inside and watch that.
As for my role in all of this, I did the latter and re-watched Karate Kid part II and Karate Kid part III.
There are 5 Karate Kid movies in total. The original, II, III, The Next with Hilary Swank, and the reboot with Will Smith’s kid. There is a nice simplicity in these movies that depending on how far away from the original one you are watching the worse it has gotten. The first is the best, the second one sucks, the third one sucks more, the Next sucks even more and the one with Will Smith’s kid is terrible.
Some may disagree that the second is better than the third, but I disagree right back! Sure, they’re back in the USA in the third and they’re back in the All Valley tournament and all that, but they really destroy the Daniel Larusso character in this movie. In the third Karate Kid, Daniel-san is a complete bitch. He makes all the wrong decisions, he is completely gullible, it’s the first of the movies where he doesn’t get laid, it ends with him not only not getting the girl, but he barely wins. It’s the most hollow victory ever. Daniel-san gets the shit beat out of by the hired gun Matt Barnes in the tournament. The only reason Daniel even beats Barnes is because Barnes is intentionally almost throwing the fight because he wants to beat up Daniel as long as possible and then take the fight into “sudden death” where he only has to score one more point then win.
You guessed it… Daniel gets the one point and wins.
Daniel also doesn’t do the famed “Crane kick”, which actually only ever works in the first movie. Chozen (the bad guy in the second movie) blocks what Mr. Miyagi had led us to believe to be an unblockable Crane kick, which begs the question – did Miyagi lie or is Daniel not doing the movie, right? I’m guessing it is the latter because Daniel sucks donkey balls. Anyway, Daniel gets the shit beat out of him throughout all of the third movie and it is Mr. Miyagi who has to come in each and every time to save his ass. Miyagi kicks a lot of ass in the third movie. Also, the bad guy in the third movie Terry Silver is just way too much. He is a cartoonish villain. It is an interesting idea for him to try and take Daniel from Miyagi, but in the end he doesn’t succeed with that. He does succeed I guess in making Daniel a bitch, but that kid seemed pretty prone to that anyway. In all three of the Karate Kid movies Daniel doesn’t seem to gain a pound and only gets more and more goofy.
Shia Labeouf and Ralph Macchio have a lot in common especially in the third movie. They yell a lot. Yeah, Ralph always looks undersized and dorky in all these movies, but his random yelling and emotional outbursts that Shia is really well-known for in his “acting” is on its best display in the third.
In conclusion…
The Karate Kid, part II is better because Daniel-san really wins the final fight by beating his opponent and not just out pointing him. Daniel also gets some Japanese poon tang in the second movie. Daniel breaks six sheets of ice with a karate chop, which is badass. And the bad guy, Chozen, is absolutely incredible. Chozen is a mix of Tony Montana from Scarface and I guess a Japanese teenager with martial arts skills. Plus the beginning of the movie starts off with the aftermath of the first movie and Mr. Miyagi besting John Kreese in the parking lot following the tournament.
The Karate Kid, part III is worse because Daniel-san doesn’t win a single fight on his own. Mr. Miyagi does beat up a ton of people, but Mr. Miyagi isn’t the “karate kid” – he would be the “karate senior citizen”. Daniel doesn’t win the girl. He actually chooses a platonic relationship with a girl and she leaves him right as he needs her most, but since they weren’t fucking or anything I guess she had no reason to stay. She literally just leaves and they actually leave on kind of shitty terms. Plus the movie kind of makes Tiger Schulman’s karate seem evil. I really can’t think of any other mass marketed karate gym and in the end of Karate Kid part III that’s what their goal is to do with the Cobra Kai gyms. Just seems like a rabbit punch to them.
Also…
Chicks just leave Daniel Larusso. If anything Daniel clearly is not offering these chicks the BBD. In the first movie, Elizabeth Shue goes slumming for a few months hooking up with Daniel. It really just seems like she wanted a change of pace. Daniel’s new to town, dark hair, tan, oddly Hispanic, working class and he has an old Japanese man as his best friend. Seriously, how could you not bone him? But she’s not in the second movie. Supposedly in the script she went backpacking to Europe, which we all know she had to dump Daniel to go do that because “backpacking” means “whoring it up with all the guys with accents, which is every guy”. In the second, again Daniel is the new flavor. Yukie is Japanese living in a farming village in Japan and now some oddly Cuban looking American comes to town. Why not hump him every way till Tuesday? But in the beginning of the third movie, we find out that Yukie got a job and she took that instead of moving to America with Daniel. Maybe girls are getting sick of all his button up shirts tucked into his jeans. Maybe they’re sick of seeing his skinny all bones ass. Ralph Macchio is pretty much manorexic in all these movies. Lastly, in the third, the girl would rather try to get back together with her boyfriend who still lives in Ohio than to get down with Daniel. For shame.
I didn’t make this pic by the way… but those are Daniel’s two hook ups in the first two movies…
Also also…
Every garden that Mr. Miyagi makes is eventually destroyed by Daniel’s enemies. The Cobra Kai kids ransack Miyagi’s garden. The Japanese hoodlums who dress like they’re from Miami destroy Miyagi’s garden. And the hired karate guns who want Daniel to enter the tournament destroy Miyagi’s banzai tree shop. It’s really just inevitable that someone will break all the plants in Miyagi’s life whenever Daniel is around.
Hmmmm….
That’s about it.
The first Karate Kid is a great movie and the sequels are kind of out of control.
And… I saw this this morning…
I don’t think this movie will be good and I did hate Thor, but…
That…
Is…
BAD…
FUCKING…
ASS!!!!
I wish I could simulate hitting a car with a prop hammer and a mid-size sedan would fly off like a baseball I clubbed the shit out of.
How was your weekend?
What did you do?
This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #60
August 19, 2011
Happy Friday!
Happy Weekend!
Happy…
Let me just say something I’ve been thinking about this morning, what the hell type of ending did people expect for the characters in Requiem for a Dream? Seriously. They were all crazy drug addicts who were hurting themselves and others around them to get their next fix. Were you expecting a happy ending? Were they all going to win the lottery and then form the Strokes and go on tour together?
Sure – you may have not been able to guess that Jared Leto would get his arm cut off, Marlon Wayans would be stirring mashed potatoes in a Southern prison, that Ellen Burstyn would get electroshock therapy and that Jennifer Connelly would do an ass-to-ass dildo show for the best and brightest from Goldman Sachs. Sure – who could/would exactly guess that, but you knew it wasn’t going to play out into a happy go luckiness.
In all honesty, I was thinking about how no director has tried to rip off that ass-to-ass scene as far as I know of. With all these directors biting each others’ stories and techniques and so forth, I’m a tad surprised. Although, I will admit it isn’t something I guess you can just sneak into a movie.
Or is it?
If The Notebook can rip off Adam Sandler’s 50 First Dates then I’m just saying that one of the most compelling, visceral and certainly memorable scenes in movie history is Jennifer Connelly going ass-to-ass with a lady of the night while Wall Street guys yell, spit, throw money. It’s just a tad surprising no one has rebooted it in their film.
What else is going on?
Conan the Barbarian is getting horrendous reviews. I wonder why. As mentioned it looks like Pathfinder + Clash of the Titans, which were both bad movies, so I doubt this will be any good. Fright Night has gotten some good reviews, but I did read those reviews on a horror website and they like everything. I imagine whoever really wants to see Fright Night will enjoy it. Including the anglophiles who will get to see Dr. Who in full American cinema glory.
In other movie news, they released some pictures for Kristen Stewart’s next epic Snow White and the Huntsman. The pictures don’t have Kristen Stewart in them or anyone recognizable as far as I could tell from the ones I saw. It was mostly horsies with knights on them riding around the woods. It could have been a scene from the new Robin Hood or Kingdom of Heaven or the opening scene of Gladiator or well anything. I’m not sure these people have seen Snow White, but it’s about a brown haired chick singing about blue birds with 7 Keebler Elves who whistle while they work and then there is an apple. Mounted cavalry fighting each other in the forest wasn’t really something I remember from the original.
There were also new set pics from whatever Twilight we’re up to now (10? Twilight: Waxing Gibbons?), but one time I clicked on set pics from it and it was Kristen Stewart in a bikini and then the next time it was Kristen Stewart playing chess and she wasn’t in a bikini, so you fooled me once. I don’t want to watch some barely graduated high school chick play chess against the weirdo 100+ year old vampire. If he doesn’t beat her handily then he’s got to be the dumbest vampire ever. Bella never struck me as the chess prodigy type when she was living in holes in the woods. So… I suggest we spice up this chess game…
There was some preseason football on last night where the good ole’ Pittsburgh Steelers butt raped the Philadelphia Eagles. It was fun to watch, but it’s preseason and doesn’t mean much.
Well, it does mean that I was 100% correct that the Philadelphia Eagles’ offensive line is a damn liability. I don’t care how many cornerbacks or wide receivers or defensive tackles you sign, if your o-line can’t protect your quarterback then you’re fucked. I was very glad to hear Troy Aikman mentioning how weak this o-line was over and over again. Thank you, Troy. You are a tall, gallant man and I’m glad we share any similarities even if they are just thoughts and not persay our physical looks.
The broadcast was particularly great because one addition to the booth…
No, not that… although that would drive up ratings… Terry Bradshaw!
Terry Bradshaw is a certified crazy person and he speaks a mile a minute and was jacked on coffee. I really hope they have him doing the commentary during games during the regular season because it brought a lot of life to that booth last night. Troy Aikman is great and arguably the best at his job, but Joe Buck sucks. Listening to Joe Buck is like someone ass-to-assing your brain and ears. So with crazy Terry Bradshaw in the mix it was fun hearing Troy interact with him instead of shitty Joe Buck.
The Steelers looked good. Now, let’s just run over these same teams come the regular season. And stay healthy!
So…
I hope you have a great weekend.
I hope you meet some new people.
I hope you meet up with some old people you know and want to meet up with.
I hope you laugh.
I hope you play.
I hope you smile the biggest smile you’ve smiled in a long time.
I hope you don’t see Conan.
I hope you try something new.
Maybe a new beer or a new food or a new activity…
Have a great weekend!
What else is there to talk about besides movies?
Nothing… or I guess politics, sports, celebrity news, TV, books, music and real life —- b-b-b-b-buh-boring!
POLITICS
Tim Pawlenty pulled out all over the people of Minnesota’s, who voted for him, FACE! I was a little surprised that Pawlenty pulled out of the race this earlier, but really what does it matter? He wasn’t winning that nomination. I was enjoying his cat fighting with Bachmann, but that’s about it. I imagine Bachmann will only get much crazier because of this. At the very least, Pawlenty was trying to keep her in check. They’re from the same state, so they should have a good knowledge of each other as well as they’re fighting for a lot of the same voters, so they needed to watch their step around each other or the other one would surely hammer them for it. Now, with no Pawlenty and Romney seemingly still running against Obama and not the other Republican candidates and the other Republican candidates are getting absolutely no press then Bachmann has free run of being nutso numero uno(!).
Bachmann said she is going to lower gas to under $2 when she gets elected President. Well, since her being elected President is only going to happen in a fantasy land of her own design then why stop at $2? How about a gallon of gas costs you a butterfly kiss? Yay! And all of our gas stations will be attended by Jake Gyllenhaal clones that smell like puppy breath. Yay! Excuse me, Jake #232 can you fill up my tank… that’s what she said. Hahahah… we laugh. Ok, one butterfly kiss, two butterfly kiss, three…
In other news, Barack Obama is still the President and it doesn’t look like that’s going to change until 2016.
SPORTS
I am planning on doing what I did about midway through the season last year of the NFL season where I come up with a metaphor for each team. But the season doesn’t start for a few weeks, so I’m holding off on it just to see if any big changes happen right before the season starts. Nevertheless, there is a lot to talk about with the NFL, but I want to focus on ONE man who is about the size of TWO men TWO huge men and I actually did a post or wrote “stuff” about him last season and that is…
Former Nebraska Cornhusker defensive tackle…
Current Detroit Lion defensive tackle…
Current all around MAN and bad ass motherfucker…
NDAMUKONG SUH
That right there is a MAN attempting to kill Jay Cutler. Former Mr. Kristen Cavillari was almost beheaded when Ndamukong two hand shoved Cutler in the back from behind. Shit gets rough and real when Suh is on patrol. This is what Suh did on the first snap of preseason this year…
Welcome to the NFL, nerd! That’s what I wish Ndamukong yelled at stupid Andy Dalton on that play.
Suh was fined $20,000 for that hit which is bullshit because we all know preseason isn’t real, so the fines shouldn’t be either.
Anyway, I have a man crush on this man and I am most definitely a Steelers fan, but I have been rooting for the Lions as well because of the added thump that Suh has given this team. They also drafted Auburn’s monster Nick Fairley which should add even more destructive power from this team, but Fairley hurt himself already in practice and needed to get surgery and is currently walking around in a walking boot or something. Either way, he should be ready for early in the season. I can’t wait to see the two of them attacking teams. Also, just to add insult to insults the Lions have Kyle Vanden Bosch who is a great player in his own right and when he’s your #3 guy rushing the QB well then that QB is going to get proper fucked as the Brits say.
If you were wondering what Ndamukong means (minus it means your ass if your the guy with the ball), here’s a “rebus” for you…
OF
….
…
..
.
House of Spears
Holy eff that’s a bad ass fucking motherfucker’s name. The dude’s name is House of Spears!
NEXT!!!
CELEBRITY NEWS
Kim Kardashian is marrying that dude who plays for the New Jersey Nets who I have never noticed playing basketball ever. His name is I believe Kris Humphries. Not to sound crass, but when are they getting divorced?
Today is August 18th, a Thursday, and they’re getting married I believe today. The commonly used stat is that %50 of marriages end within 7 years. That’s a little over 2,500 days and Kim Kardashian says her measurements are 34-26-39 and Kris averaged about 10 points a game for the worst team in the league last year and he’s 26 years old and she’s turning 31 and I DON’T THINK THIS LASTS TWO YEARS.
I mean I get that Khloe landed Lamar and Kourtney’s got her drunk/baby daddy, but do we really think Kim’s going to stick with a bballer that no one will ever know the name of for his actual bballing. Lamar’s got these things called championship rings, which he played a part in winning. Anyway… I’d be surprised if we’re a full year into Obama’s second term with Kim still married to this guy.
NEXT!!!
TV
Louie is on tonight and Jersey Shore is on tonight. That plus Teen Mom, Curb Your Enthusiasm and Breaking Bad are the shows I watch. I suggest you get involved in all of them.
Curb’s last episode I thought was the best this season. I really haven’t been digging this season that much. I thought some of the episodes were cute and smile inducing, but I really hadn’t laughed out loud to anything until this past episode. Hmmm… I probably at some of the Funkhauser stuff, but that’s a cheap laugh because I would laugh at him reading a damn menu. Anyway, I hope the season keeps getting better.
Breaking Bad is the best show on TV. It is one of the best TV shows ever in my opinion. I’m also crazy excited that next season is the last season and is 16 episodes. I think they’re doing pretty much everything right on this show and ending it. I don’t want it to linger just because I love the characters and so forth. There should be an ending.
Jersey Shore – I’m liking this season so far. I wasn’t too into the whole Miami season and I’m a little bored with them at the actual Jersey Shore because they never go to any place new. Most of the bars won’t let the cameras in, so it gets monotonous. I think Italy has really sparked a new life into the show with them trying to understand Italian, which they completely don’t as well as their complete lack of any knowledge concerning anything to do with Italy. Plus drunk Ronnie/single Ronnie is the most entertaining thing ever and there has been a good deal of that. But my favorite give and take was between Deena and Sammi when they saw a church – if you don’t know they are in Florence, Italy…
Sammi – Is that the Vatican?
Deena – I think so.
Sammi – It’s so nice.
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH… “nice”? The Vatican?! It’s nice? Amazing. Hey man, how’s your rental car? Eh, it’s nice. It’s clean and it moves ok and it smells like a pine tree. Just like the Vatican.
BOOKS
I’m giving up on reading another book for awhile. Those A Song of Ice and Fire books took it out of me. I’m not really in love with the books either. A lot of “stuff” has happened, but for what purpose and what is it leading towards… no idea. In the end, if these books are all about some winter zombie war that they need a dragon to win it for them and that’s it then I will absolutely hate these books. What the fuck do I care if this guy raised this kid, but really he’s the uncle and the mother and the real father died in the past war… who the fuck cares?! If all it is is zombies then fucking let’s get to the zombies already. And if all it is is a dragon as the solution then let’s get this fucking dragon over here already. And if that is the end of it then the people in this book may be really smart at backstabbing each other, but they’re really fucking stupid when it comes to knowing they’re all going to die from the winter zombie apocalypse that they all already know about, but are willfully pretending doesn’t exist. With all this explanation in this book of peoples’ backstories, I feel like I no dick about anything that really matters if these zombies are the end game. So suck on that George RR Martin – I’ve got my eye on you.
MUSIC
I listened to the “Watch the Throne” a few times. It’s the Jay Z and Kanye West collaborative album. Thoughts? Too much Jay Z. I don’t like Jay Z as a rapper enough to ever listen to his own albums all the way through, so I’m not into this. I like Jay as a guest on tracks, but not the focus. So, the singles that you hear on the radio or the interwebz should be enough because the whole album is just a bit much of the Jigga Man. As for Kanye, the album reeks of him with the production and everything, but it doesn’t get as crazy as we know Kanye can get because he is keeping this all in Jay’s wheelhouse. I prefer Kanye’s solo stuff over this. His album last year is a million times better in every way. But it is a nice little change of pace for a music year that I have found pretty underwhelming. And the Spike Jonze directed video for “Otis” is entertaining.
REAL LIFE
I stink right now. I haven’t showered from Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and my nose looks like I got rug burn on it except that rug was a dude’s knee. Either way, I’m glad I got back into going this week. I need to keep doing it.
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MOVIES
Eh, why not?
Fright Night comes out this weekend.
I watched Meek’s Cutoff last night, which is an indie flick about the Oregon Trail (not the game, but life) with Michelle Williams in it. It sucked. I didn’t really like it. I was trying to, but it was eh. Looked good, but just was too indie that nothing happened.
Lastly, pictures of Amy Adams as Lois Lane surfaced today and Amy Adams looks exactly like Amy Adams in them. It’s not like Lois wears spandex and a cape. It’s just Amy in a pair of pants and a jacket. I’ve seen that before. So instead I’ll give you this picture of Amy Adams because she looks good and you can kind of make out a solid side boob…
Jason Momoa, Conan, Pathfinder, The Crow, New Orleans, Jason Statham, Fast & Furious 6
August 17, 2011
Yesterday, I went on a little mas pequeno rant about why I wouldn’t see the new Conan the Barbarian movie…
… then God played a cruel yet hilarious trick on me…
I have no idea how wordpress’ html works, so that’s just the link to the interview, but Momoa was on Conan last night and now I’m rooting for him and rooting for this movie to be good – I still don’t think it will be though.
Actually, last night I started to rethink my thinking thoughts about the new Conan movie because I thought Momoa was so likeable (and yes, he’s a handsome islander) that maybe I was wrong about the new Conan. I looked up the director and low and behold my comment that this movie looks like Pathfinder starring Karl Urban is oddly prophetic considering the director of Conan did direct that movie. I originally thought the movie looked like Pathfinder because IT LOOKS LIKE THAT DAMN MOVIE FROM TOP TO BOTTOM, but now we at least know why it does. By the by, Pathfinder is pretty much a rip off of Conan anyway. The title is terrible though – Pathfinder? Are you expecting a movie about if a viking child was raised by American Indians and then led the assault against those vikings when they come back 20 years later? Pathfinder doesn’t sound like a movie featuring a New Zealander pretending to be maybe Swedish who then pretends to be American Indian who then CUTS DUDE’S HEADS OFF WITH A SWORD. Anyway… who cares? No one saw it.
So… I may go support Conan to support Jason Momoa or I may not. I mean him pretending to be a cat is damn entertaining, but it’s not like that’s happening in the movie. Or is it?
My last tidbit about stalking Jason Momoa last night for no apparent reason…
On IMDB, someone on his discussion board suggested that Jason Momoa should be cast in The Crow.
You know what? I don’t think that’s a bad idea.
I will preface this by saying that I do not want to see Momoa remaking the original Crow in this hypothetical situation. I know that’s what they are planning on doing, but those people are idiots and why try to reason or care about idiots.
There was recent news that Bradley Cooper who for whatever reason was cast in The Crow has pulled out of that role. Thank you Lord.
I can see a few reasons why I like Momoa instead as the whoever in The Crow (I’ll just refer to this character as The Crow)…
1. He’s got the hair. If you’re playing The Crow – you need long hair. Brandon Lee had the hair and even that Hispanic guy in the second Crow had the hair. It just works better that way. I think we all can agree that we don’t need a Crow with a buzzcut. We want the 80′s rocker hair.
2. We’re accustomed to seeing Momoa with make-up. He wore a ton of make-up on Game of Thrones and The Crow wears make-up. Being able to look fearsome in make-up is apart of the character of The Crow.
3. He can do action. Saw some of that in Game of Thrones will see even more of that in Conan.
4. Momoa can pull off wearing leather pants. This is also a must for The Crow. I think we all know this. The dude’s got to wear leather pants. For some reason when you’re brought back from the dead to exact a murderous revenge on someone using the power’s of a magical crow then you do this all in leather pants. I didn’t make the rules, but by God I won’t break them.
So, Momoa for The Crow.
I think they could easily make another The Crow movie without needing to remake the original. The sequels thus far have been atrocious, so the bar is pretty low. I feel like the second The Crow: City of Angels had a pretty descent idea for a movie, but just wasn’t done well or had the money to do well. I would remake the second Crow movie with some changes to actually make it better.
First, the movie is set in New Orleans. Sure, we’d have to change the sub-title from City of Angels to Voodoo Child or something, but that’s a good decision. Does everyone remember what The Crow 2 was even about? It was about voodoo! Why wasn’t the movie set in NOLA to begin with. Why was their a black magic priest in Los Angeles? Do you know what’s in Los Angeles? Actors and comedians and people who say they’re going to vote for the Green Party, but don’t because they don’t vote and instead get high and go to some producer’s house to lay in their pool and talk about the movie Solaris – both the original and the remake. So it makes tons more sense to have this voodoo movie in New Orleans.
Second, well have you ever seen the rest of the movie? The characters are weirdo drunks who hang out places that are oddly colorful and I don’t know – it looks like New Orleans! Just set the dumb movie in New Orleans and let Jason Momoa run around killing people in the street with knives, guns and have him ride a motorcycle like Ashe does in the second movie.
Idris Elba could be the bad guy or maybe Djimon Honsou or some other black guy that has a great voice.
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Next…
Last night, I was bored and watched the last half hour of The Transporter.
For most of it I wondered what happened to the cute Asian chick in the movie, but I looked up on IMDB and she’s from Taiwan and she went back to doing Asian movies. So she’s still around.
The second thing I thought about is Jason Statham’s career has become completely one dimensional. Every movie at some point has him shirtless spin kicking someone in the face and it’s terrible. But I noticed on his discussion board, someone made another great casting decision in my opinion…
Jason Statham should be the villain in Fast & Furious 6.
I love it.
It actually makes a shit ton of sense.
There is no reason for another good guy in this movie. They’ve already got Vin Diesel AND THE ROCK! So, they’re covered with good guys. But they need a villain who will be a formidable adversary for them. Who better than Jason Statham?
Statham has shown a proficiency in driving. THREE Transporter movies. Also, in real life apparently he is an actual world class driver. Regardless, it would be a great reference in the movie to have Statham as a feared driver because we already kind of think he is from those Transporter movies.
Statham throws high kicks without his shirt on. How great would it be to see one of those shirtless high kicks thrown at Vin Diesel? I mean can a movie be anymore straight and gay at the same time?! Those two dudes being all sub six foot and jacked with muscles and bald and they’re all sweaty and grunting and throwing fists and feet at each other.
I sincerely think this is a great idea.
What is going on with you people?
Anything I’m not covering that needs to be covered?
I mean I did just solve The Crow movie and Fast & Furious 6. You’re welcome.
The Second Half Of August Already? What A Shit Month For Movies.
August 16, 2011
I didn’t do an August’s movies previews, but after bearing through the first 16 days and with 15 more to go – I can sum up this month with one word: bleh.
Bleh is defined as an utter dissatisfaction with even the idea of attempting to do this something.
Also, my wordpress is all jittery and stumbling along like a cerebral palsy patient running a 5K.
What’s up WordPress? The Kristen Stewart pictures slowing you down? Can’t handle the want?
Is it the other wordpress blogs slowing you down and not me? Is it all the irreverent comedy about being white or the semi-factual political ramblings of a school teacher with too much time on their hands or is it all those awkward family photo pictures eating the bandwidth?
I did do a preview write-up on The Change-Up and The Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I have not seen anything positive or negative written about The Change-Up, so I think everyone forgot it was a plausible option to spend your life on. As for Apes, I have seen a lot of people saying they saw it, but I’m iffy about what is it they thought of it. Are people pushing people to see it because of how ridiculous it is? That seems fair. I’ve noticed a few chicks have seen it that I have some to minor internet contact with and I believe they would go see any movie featuring James Franco on the infinitesimal chance he’ll show up to that screening (high) and try to pull the bottomless popcorn bucket gag on them (there’s no popcorn in the bucket, just a whole lot of James Franco’s Green Goblin… I’m guessing it is green). Either way, I would highly suggest you take whatever $10 you are planning on giving to a movie theater to see one of these movies and instead give that money to a charity. That may not seem like much, but if everyone did that then instead of $50 million going to dumb ass CGI apes then $50 million could have gone to saving real apes that have feelings and do sign language.
I did see 30 Minutes or Less, as mentioned yesterday. I recommend it. I recommend it for the people who are fans of the individuals in the movie, preferably at least 2 of them. If your a fan of Jesse Eisenberg only then you may only be a fan in that “I want him as my self-effacing, wears a blazer all the time with jeans, and will discuss books – real literature books, not like paranormal teen romance – with me in public at a cafe and he’ll get so excited talking about them his hands will shake like a little puppy when it’s cold and then I’ll take care of him and most likely have consensual sex with him on my coach when my roommate’s not there and he’ll be awkward and he’ll fumble, but it will be nice and innocent and he’ll be grateful for the sex instead of like Johnny your ex who used to make crude jokes in public and would walk around your apartment only in his underwear and leer at your roommate and constantly ask about if she’s single or not and then make some not-so-subtle reference to the three of you having sex together for his birthday or even your birthday to spice things up a bit and he always drank Miller Lite and would talk with food in his mouth and his favorite jokes in any comedy show were the slapstick parts, but never understood the subtle sarcasm in between the prat falls of The Office.
What was I saying? Oh right, 30 Minutes or Less was funny.
What is left for this terrible month of movies?
Final Destination 5 - If you’ve seen the other 4 then why on Earth are you reading this blog? I can only imagine people who have sat through all four of the Final Destination movies do not know how to read and are solely entertained by flashing lights and shiny things and that is why you have sat through those movies. Also, you may be a high school boy wearing a headband and fingerless gloves with a vietnam style jacket on and you spend all of your days watching every single horror movie ever made regardless of the quality of them and you may have actually traveled through a dimensional portal to get to this time and age because you are really a teenage stereotype from an 80′s movie like The Lost Boys or Summer School. Don’t see this movie. Go do that charity thing with the money and help women take back the night or buy mosquito nets for kids in Africa.
Glee 3D – Why? Isn’t this show on TV everyday? It feels like it to me. I can’t convince you to not see this if you are a person who watches this show enough that you are considering seeing the movie. You are way past hope at this point.
One Day – Oh GOD! WHY?! This movie looks atrocious. When girls say they are not complicated and guys just need to do this or just need to be straight forward and blah blah blah and then they wonder why guys think they have to do something magnanimous to get a girl’s attention… well this is that reason. You see these movies and you say that this isn’t what you want, but we all know that’s bullshit because you’re there watching this farce and crying and falling in love with Jim Sturggess or whatever flavor of the month it is. Hey can I ask you out? Or do I have to ask you out and then go only on dates with you on the same day once every year or 5 years and each time we see each other I have to make a life changing change to you and you have to make a life changing moment for me and it all has to happen on the Thames? I’m just saying, we’re at a bar and I kind of would like to buy you dinner and then maybe get to second base after I’ve made you laugh and convinced you I’m not a serial killer and that I’m cool with you loving Jake Gyllenhaal more than me forever.
Conan 3D – You would think I would say GO SEE THIS MOVIE… when in fact YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL and I would say take a dump on this movie. Take big ole’ dump all over it. This movie looks terrible. Something I may hate more than romantic comedies is paint by numbers patronizing shitty action films. This movie is that. The main guy looks jacked and everything, but it takes more than that. First, he is clearly doing a deep voice that is not his voice. It sounds so phony. Second, this movie looks more like Karl Urban’s Pathfinder than it does Conan the Barbarian. It looks like Conan is less Medieval warrior stepping from a Frank Frazetta painting and looks more like a Samoan sword wielding Apocalypto. It doesn’t look good and I bet the 3D for it is worthless like the Clash of the Titans 3D was. If anything this will be on Netflix by the end of the years, so wait for it then.
Fright Night – I think this movie could be fun. I’m having a hard time deciding how funny or how actiony this movie will be. It looks like it could be as fun as Disturbia was without all that nonsense of having annoying as Shia in there. There’s a chance this movie could be good. We’ll see though. The director, Craig Gillespie, did Lars and the Real Girl and Mr. Woodcock. Well, I love Lars and I’m meh on Woodcock, but it shows some promise. He’s also directed a bunch of that Toni Collette show on Showtime, but I’ve never watched that. Nevertheless, I’m mildly hopeful for this. I really don’t care for the Anton Yelchin casting as the main guy, but maybe he’ll surprise me. I’m betting there are much worse options than seeing this movie. It’s got that Disturbia vibe and it has a Jennifer’s Body vibe, but there won’t be any amazing lesbian kisses I would imagine. Anyway, I possibly could see this.
Spy Kids 4D – WHY?! Why Joel McHale why?! Actually, I guess any time you get the change to pretend you are banging Jessica Alba – YOU TAKE IT! And there is money involved with acting, but lord knows this has to eat at your integrity. If I had a kid they would never see a solitary second of these Spy Kids movies. I don’t care what people say – just saying something is for children and then it is filled with flashing lights and yelling doesn’t mean kids should actually be allowed to watch it.
Colombiana – Eh. Zoe Saldana is a sexy lady. This storyline feels a little played out recently with this slew of chicks who definitely don’t look like they could kill anyone are really badass killers. The director doesn’t inspire much confidence either with him directing Transporter 3. I’m probably not going to see it, but may end up catching some of it one day while flipping through channels. The trailer is absolutely annoying with the guy repeating over and over remember where you come from. I get it. I think she’ll remember. The only reason I say support this movie is Zoe is a sexy lady as mentioned and really we need to support sexy ladies, right sexy ladies? Secondly, Zoe is from Jersey, so Jersey sexy lady pride and all.
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark – No idea, but sounds dumb.
Our Idiot Brother – I think people are going to see this praying for another Little Miss Sunshine comedy where it’s like I laughed and I also thought about stuff and maybe I think I learned something I’ll forget on the car ride home. A lot of good white people are this movie – Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Zooey Deschanel, Adam Scott, Emily Mortimer, Steve Coogan. Plus there’s the bi-racial angel Rashida Jones. At the very least, if you like going into a Starbucks and judging people whether or not you would fuck them then this movie is filled with the cream of the crop of coffee house hotties. Can’t you just imagine Zooey ordering some latte with foam and then taking the lid off that latte and taking a sip from that latte and then she gets some foam on her top lip and then she parts her lips to let her tongue lick that foam off her top lip and then maybe there’s some left so she wipes it off with a finger then licks the foam off her fingertip. I mean we’re talking an espressoboner, am I right? I’m like Starbucks more like Starfucks am I right? And I’m purely equal opportunity. Maybe it is Adam Scott. Maybe he’s the one licking all this foam off hips lips and maybe he has some on the tip of angular nose and maybe Rashida Jones kisses it off right off the tip of it and you’re in a cappucinoboner threeway in Starbucks.
The Debt – This looks like a lot of other movies and I’m kind of indifferent on it. Jews doing the Jew secret agent thing, but they’re all played by British or Australian (not as foppy and more crazy, but similar British) actors. I really couldn’t care any less about this movie. It seems like a BBC TV version of Munich. More drama and subtle glances in dimly lit rooms instead of machine guns.
Those are your movies… choose wisely.
I suggest getting in touch with your Netflix and watching The Trip. Most of you ladies are anglophiles, so instead of being doe eyed over the young pretty ones, maybe you can watch two of the bit older and talented ones in Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon.
Anything else going on?
