I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus = Creepiest Song Ever

December 13, 2011

Yep.

Happy Tuesday day everyone who is reading this. If you’re not reading this then go fuck yourselves! I mean, why not? It’s not like they would know anyway.

We’re less than two weeks out from the biggest most specialest day of the year where everyone gives presents and expects even better presents in return and we all pretend we love Christmas songs. By-and-large, Christmas songs suck. They’re no Flo-Rida or Taio Cruz. Most of them fall into two categories of music: 1. oldest songs recorded ever, and 2. crooners. There are a few good ones in the bunch, but for the most part we’re just picking through this trail mix of shitty songs for the one or two M&Ms they lightly sprinkle in there.

Also, I’m in the mindset that if you’re sitting around humming “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer” that you’re really humming to yourself “gifts for me”, “vacation days”, and “I’m getting drunk in front of my family and they can’t saying anything because it is Christmas time”. And at the same time, “Rudolph” is one of the better songs.

But, today on this Tuesday, we’re not here to talk about the good or even the ok or the average. We’re here to talk about the CREEPY!

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by Tommie Connor

This is the oddest song.

First of all, this song is of course just creep city with the 13 year old boy Jimmy Boyd singing it. It just is creepy listening to a little kid sing about watching people kiss. If you’re like “oh, it’s innocent” then you’re a creep. The kid is 13, but he’s playing it up like he’s even younger than that. When I was 13, I wouldn’t have had the reaction that this kid is having about his mommy kissing Santa Claus. Also, at 13 it had been a long while since I thought Santa Claus was an actual person and instead would have known quite better that that wasn’t some magical North Pole resident with reindeer and presents and instead my mom and dad are having a lot worse of a marriage/holiday season than I could have imagined because my mom is currently slumming it with some destitute who was hired by the local KayBee Toy Store and is currently getting frisky with him in the house I sleep in. So, you’re not listening to a 13 year old, you’re listening to a 13 year old babying his own voice and speech up to sound like he’s 4 and that is fucking CREEPY.

What makes all of this worse, this song was a #1 hit in 1952.

Yeah, I looked up this song on Wikipedia and here is what those bastards told me…

The original recording by Jimmy Boyd on 15 July 1952 when he was 13 reached #1 on the Billboard charts in December 1952, and on the Cash Box chart at the beginning of the following year. The song was commissioned by Saks Fifth Avenue to promote the store’s Christmas card for the year, which featured an original sketch by artist Perry Barlow, who drew for The New Yorker for many decades.

I am thankful I live in this time and place. People talk about wanting to live in different eras and I consider it up until a point. Besides all the rampant racism, homophobia, sexism, and all the underlying corruption and crime you didn’t hear about back then… besides all that… are you telling me I’m driving around in 1952 and I’m listening to “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” every 20 minutes on the radio. God help me when the radio nowadays plays “Moves Like Jagger” too many times, but this song? Plus no internet. How did people even survive back then?!

The most popular song on the radio is of a little kid watching what he thinks is an affair and he is just tickled pink about it and it was all commissioned by Saks’? What a fucking country? What a fucking creepy ass country? Could you imagine if the number 1 song on the radio right now was “Napa know how, Na-na-na-na Napa know how, Napa know how”? I’m guessing you get that reference and I want to put my fist through my screen every time that commercial comes on.

Anyway… let’s get into the context of this creepy mess of a song…

The song describes a scene where a child creeps down from his bedroom to see his mother kissing “Santa Claus.”

Yep.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep;
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep.

It’s just fucking creepy.

Have you ever seen your parents kiss anyone? Who sits around to watch that? Anytime my parents are in a situation where they have to even kiss someone on the cheek (even each other), I turn my eyes away faster than if the light of seven Suns were shining into my corneas. Ugh. Watching your parents kiss people is not appetizing no matter who it is with or at what time of day or night. Nevertheless, it is the second stanza I have real problems with.

Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white;

Ok, back it up. This is when it gets a little unnecessary. I don’t think we need to hear about your slutty mother tickling Santa “underneath” his beard. I know some people might be like “oh, you’re the one with the dirty mind” and let me say this “we all have dirty minds because we are filthy creatures us humans”. Plus everyone was hiding meanings in their songs back then and this kid is creeping, peeping and watching his “mommy” kissing and tickling. It’s not innocent. It’s a divorce in the making and future psychiatric help.

There is a few more lines and they really leave another weird impression on me…

Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.

I get that the kid doesn’t know that Santa Claus is supposed to be his own dad. I get that. We’re assuming this is a family with both parents and such and it is a heterosexual couple. Anyway, let’s just assume that because they are. The kid doesn’t realize that Santa is his own father. This leads me to two conclusions:

1. The kid is a dumbass. He doesn’t recognize his own father? Santa outfit or not, I mean you should recognize the people who made your life. I can pick my Dad’s cough out of a crowd of New York City noise every time, so don’t tell me in a living of two people and one person is your mom that you can’t tell the other is your dad.

2. This kid is a dumbass. “What a laugh it would have been”? Oh yeah, it would have been a lark alright. Dad wakes up or comes home late and sees his wife planting a kiss on a fat dude in red suit in the house he pays the mortgage for. And I bet he would have gotten a real kick out of seeing that trifling ho tickling that bastard’s beard. Oh yeah, it would have been real rich, kid. Does this kid have any concept at all what an “affair” is? Mythological character or not, that guy would have been in a fist fight real quick if he was caught kissing another dude’s wife.

I also read on the Wiki that the Catholic church got involved in pop-culture with this song…

Boyd’s record was condemned by the Roman Catholic Church in Boston when it was released on the grounds that it mixed kissing with Christmas, ignoring the fact that mistletoe, under which many couples kiss, is traditionally hung in many homes during the Christmas season. Boyd was photographed meeting with the Archdiocese to explain the song. After the meeting, the ban was lifted.

It’s nice to know that this really ruffled the feathers of the Roman Catholic Church in 1952 when they were still unapologetic about their silence during the Holocaust and they were in their hey day of raping children. But a song about mommy kissing Santa?! WHAT?! TO HELL WITH THEM! LITERALLY!

In conclusion, this song stinks and weirds me out and way too many people have covered this song and when they do it they really play up the kissing angle to the point you would think they were scripting the most hedonistic holiday hump session between mommy and Santa. Plus, Santa has a wife of his own remember? Dude is just kissing all these lonely mothers on Christmas night? Sounds like an episode of Hung.

Anyway… let’s end this on the greatest Christmas note, song and performance ever… with Alison Brie.

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7 Responses to “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus = Creepiest Song Ever”

  1. tiffanized said

    Creepy, I agree. I’m not sure there’s much about Santa that’s not creepy if you think about it long enough.

    I’d like to add that I thought for most of my life that the line was “I saw mommy LICK old Santa Claus underneath his beard so snowy white”. There’s a new element for you.

  2. PWG said

    Oh, it gets much worse than that.

    Why would the dad put the costume on in the first place? I’ve done this Christmas thing a few years in a row now, and this is how it goes:

    1. Put kids to bed.
    2. Put kids back to bed.
    3. Put the jf!jk$#% kids back to bed again.
    4. Drink. Drink more.
    5. Wrap presents and fill stockings.
    6. Pour out room temperature milk and eat cookies left out for Santa.
    6. Sleep 2 hours until the slightest hint of a sun ray peeks over the horizon.

    My husband and I wear costumes for none of that, and if he was going to put on a Santa suit, it would be because we EXPECTED the kids to creep downstairs to see it.

    So either Jimmy Boyd’s mom has a Santa fetish like Lauren Graham in Bad Santa, which is pretty much my favorite Christmas movie, or his evil parents want little Jimmy to think the real Santa’s putting the moves on his Mommy. Maybe she wants to use that as leverage throughout the year. “Do you know how many times I had to bang that old fat man last year just so you could get a bike?! The least you can do is eat your damn vegetables.”

    • PWG said

      Tell me this doesn’t put you in the right spirit: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0307987/quotes

    • PWG said

      Okay, I’m just going to rent Bad Santa tonight, then.

      Willie: [upon seeing the safe] Oh shit.
      Marcus: What? What?
      Willie: It’s a Kintnerboy Redoubt.
      Marcus: So?
      Willie: Remember Andy Pitz?
      Marcus: Andy Pitzerelli, yeah.
      Willie: No, Andy Repitski. Andy Pitzerelli was Andy Blue Balls.
      Marcus: Since he got married they called him Andy Pitzerelli. What’s your fucking point?
      Willie: Well they say he can get into anything. Anything. They say he’s been in Margaret Thatcher’s pussy.
      Marcus: And that’s a good thing? So what the fuck are you getting at?
      Willie: When I was in the joint with him, he told me the Kintnerboy Redoubt can’t be cracked.
      Marcus: Are you shitting me? Are you telling me that after I propped you up, held you together, smiled for all those kids, danced for all those fuckin’ housewives in a fucking lime green fucking velvet elf costume, that you cannot crack this fucking safe? Is that what you telling me?
      Willie: No, I’m just saying it’s gonna take a minute.

      • Nix said

        Thank you So much for this. I’ve spent the morning snorting coffee out of my nose! I need to see this movie!

  3. EXACTLY. Genius.

    “Community” is so crazy good. As a chick, I am preprogrammed to automatically hate all hot chicks (and everything they’re associated with) that do slutty/adorable things. But no matter how much I WANT to hate Annie/Allison in that clip, I CAN’T. Because it’s too funny. Either it’s the brilliant writing, or no one is immune to the charm of Allison Brie’s cleavage.

  4. Nix said

    I too, have always had problems with this song. For all the reasons stated above. The first video made me cringe, the second made me guffaw. So thanks for that.

    And you can’t expect the institutions of organised religion to ever be logical.

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