The Kardashians’ Christmas Card OR David Lynch’s Wet Dream
December 20, 2011
Happy Tuesday!
As well as, Happy Hanukkah!
Today/night is the first day/night of Hanukkah. What this means is us Jews will all be huddled around a couple non-scented candles, say a couple prayers, wear the smallest and thinnest hats you have ever seen, and, most likely, exchange with each other the FILTHIEST RICH PRESENTS!!!! BECAUSE WE’RE JEWSSSSSSZZZZZZZZ!!!! AND JEWSZZZZ HAVE ALL THE MONEY!!!! ALL THE MONEY, MO-NAY, MONET!!!!! Just lots of money. And we parade around our Jew homes dripping in diamonds, furs, and gold just for the Hell of it because we don’t believe in Hell! If there was a Hell, it would be life without all this motherfucking money in our wallets, bank accounts, and invested in the STOCK MARKET!!! JEWZ!!
And with all this Jew talk and with the birth of Jesus Christ, the second to last great Jew because the last great Jew was Sandy Koufax, around the corner… I thought why not talk about the mesmerizing Christmas Card done by a family most assume are Jewish…
The KARDASHIANS!!!!
AND… it’s in 3D!!!!!!!
Yep.
That right there is the family Christmas Card for the Kardashians or I should say for the TV cast of Keeping Up with the Kardashians because there are more people in this family than shown, for instance the incomparable Brody Jenner who you may remember from such classic still life installations as The Hills and all those other shows that were also wildly staged and slow as molasses. Someone should make a “Slow Ass Molasses” because it is extra thick, but at the same time I do see a problem in calling something “Ass Molasses” because that is more of a medical condition and/or the result of eating too much Slow Ass Molasses… your tummy is upset in that joke. Moving on!
I’ve talked about the Kardashians before on this website several times maybe even dozens of times… I have zero problems with the Kardashians. I don’t understand why people have a chip on their shoulder about them in the least bit. Their TV show isn’t any more or less offensive than any of the other “reality” shows about famous people including the primary mover: The Osbournes. I mean that show was about two bratty kids, a screaming cursing mother, and an old fool stumbling around his mansion seemingly on the verge of Ronald Reagan dementia. But I guess people think it was OK in hindsight because that old man sang “Crazy Train” and “War Pigs” and “Iron Man” even though none of that was being sung on the show or songs like that were being written… we were just watching the shell of a man shuffle around in track pants and picking up dog poop. Meanwhile, the Kardashians at the very least gave us the “Princess of Persia” Kim Kardashian and she gave us easily the best celebrity sex tape. Basically what I’m saying is, I never jerked off to “Paranoid”, but it’s like a once a month standing engagement between me, “myself”, tissues and Kim. So weigh the scales on that. Good music? Good spank material? It’s kind of even.
EITHER WAY!!!!!
Let’s get back to the Kardashians… I’ve actually never watched the Kardashian show or follow Kim or any of them on twitter or any of that. From what I can tell, they are a fairly harmless bunch. People are getting pissed about Kim and Kris Humphries’ marriage being a sham… so you were that committed to that marriage? Seriously, who the fuck cares if she gets married every month? I mean she’s at the very least doing it as a straight woman. Anyway… I’m really getting off topic.
THE FUCKING CHRISTMAS CARD!!!!!! IT’S IN 3D!!!!
I’m going to zoom in on each Kardash-cluster of people, but first let’s look at the whole picture itself. It looks more like one of those cast stills from a failed murder mystery pilot set to air on ABC in the Spring. … or any particular day on a soap opera. People on soap operas are dressed up always. Dudes are always wearing shirts and ties even if they’re unemployed and lounging about the house. Women are drinking at a coffee shop, but could easily go to a Great Gatsby ball at any moment.
Welcome to the Kardashians’ idea of Christmas…
Unreal.
I think Kim Kardashian is a beautiful woman and/or the colloquial hot piece of ass. But this outfit is doing her zero favors. The first two thoughts I get when looking at her in this is:
1. Someone was re-watching a Liza Minnelli concert recently
2. Where are Kim’s boobs and butt? We want to see them! By “WE”, I mean America and the greater America meaning the rest of the planet Earth.
I get that the theme of this macabre picture is a black tie affair and they absolutely love bowties and I guess gender reversal roles. I also get that this is a family photo and having Kim parade around with her double D’s hanging out might not be the classiest thing for a Christmas card, but it is what you’re hoping for. On Christmas we give presents and those presents could have been Kim’s glorious ASS-ets and BOOBS-ets.
The Matriarch of this empire Kris. The first thing that came to mind when see Kris was that’s where they get those asses. Seriously, everyone is always talking about the Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney’s butts, but look at the woman who birthed ‘em and her buh-dunk-a-donk (sp?). I know she’s had plastic surgery, but it is really the photoshopping probably, but she looks less real than most videogame characters. Her face is absolutely as smooth as porcelain and has arguably less wrinkles than any of her daughters who are a solid 20 years younger than her.
Next to Kris, the 1976 Montreal gold medal winning Decathlete – BRUCE JENNER!!!!!
I never would have said that Bruce Jenner could be James Bond, but after seeing this … Bruce Jenner could be a pretty lame James Bond. Think about it though. Bruce Jenner is or at least was an INCREDIBLE athlete. Some easily could argue that a decathlete is the best athlete because they are great at all the track and field events and can do multiples of them in one day. A decathlon is 100 meters, discus, pole vault, javelin and 400 meters on Day 1. On Day 2 it is 100 meter hurdles, long jump, shot put, high jump, 1500 meters. Basically, Bruce had all the physical tools to be Bond if being Bond meant running fast, jumping over things and throwing random objects for distance… instead of shooting guns and stopping international terrorist plots. Either way, Bruce does know one thing about bedding the ladies because he has his plastic surgeried paws all over Kris Kardashian’s Kardass-ian. You get that?
And both of these people have great genes by the way. I know they have gone under the knife to make themselves look better, but all their children are some good looking kids. Robert Kardashian was not a particularly attractive creature and I imagine his crotch hair was a tropical rain forest of pubes, but all his kids are excellent looking and I bet Kris is the reason. As for Bruce’s kids before Kris, they’re great looking too. And then the combined kids (the two jailbait girls you will see later) they had are also great looking.
Yes!
YES!
YES!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this photo in the slightest! It all fucking works. The creepy kid, the comic book proportions of Kourtney and, last but not least, American Psycho himself Scott Disick. I fucking love this threesome here. SO FUCKING GOOD! Bravo to everyone involved. I mention David Lynch in the title of this post and there is so much Twin Peaks going on in this whole photo and in this picture. Mr. Lynch loves using dwarves, midgets, little people or whatever… do you know people who are short like really short, but they’re fully grown? Those people. That’s what Mr. Lynch loves throwing in there. I know that that is a child, but he isn’t dressed or standing or acting like a child. If anything they’ve probably stapled his hands and feet in that position to make him stay like that. Actually, what the hell am I saying? Look at the kid’s parents?! He learned that emotionless statue pose from them!
I don’t even know how Kourtney Kardashian exists. Look at that body! Harry Crumb couldn’t have drawn a more absurd ass-waist-boobs ratio and she’s tiny. Look at that ass. I don’t know how you can’t! And it’s only bigger than that. She has that ass bound in black leather, so when it is out and about and free – oh my Lord! I can’t imagine what this photo is like in 3D other than once you put the glasses on, Kourtney’s ass literally jumps out of the picture and slaps you in the face – MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HANUKKAH! Two cheeks, two holidays. I love it. Also, if you are looking at this picture and you don’t want to grab Kourtney’s butt with all the strength in your forearm, fingers and hand muscles then you might be dead or at the very least as emotionally devoid as her husband apparently is.
SCOTT DISICK LOOKS CRAZY!!!!! Do you know that scene in American Psycho where Christian Bale is peeling off a facial mask and he is talking about the masks he wears out in public to pretend he isn’t thirsting for blood? That’s just Scott Disick on a fucking Tuesday. This is a Christmas Card! Look at the man’s face! And if you think this is just for this picture… that Scott Disick looked like that just for that moment in time and same goes for his also vacant staring wife…
BOOM!!!!
Motherfucking boom! You would be dead wrong! This is how they always are together. Actually Scott looks even scarier in this picture. There are hundreds of pictures of Scott Disick online looking this much like a serial killer. He may be Kristen Stewart’s natural enemy. I thought that Megan Fox was the anti-thesis to Kristen Stewart because she made you want it, but that’s just the reverse. Scott Disick exists in a world without want. Do you see what Scott Disick’s face looks like? That’s what all of our faces would look like if Kristen Stewart did not exist. That’s what I’m fucking telling all of you! There is an idea of Hell that Hell is just a place that is devoid of God’s presence – not fire and torture. Simply, a vacuum of hope and goodness. That is Scott Disick’s face. That is life without the Wantess.
Beautiful… just beautiful.
I fucking love these two. LAMAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love sports. I love basketball. I love the NBA. As a NBA watcher, Lamar Odom has been an interesting character for many years. He’s 7 feet tall, athletic, good offense player and has obviously a big enough body to cause defensive problems. The issue with Lamar was that he didn’t try. He was always under achieving. People tried to figure out what it was about him. He’s just not motivated to really be all that he can be. Some people even pointed to his addiction to eating candy. That he would have sugar crashes during games. Either way, Lamar has won some championships with the LA Lakers and plenty of money, but Lamar isn’t a “Hall of Fame” type of player. He never was a standout like that in his career … until… he married… a KARDASHIAN!
Seriously, if you knew who Lamar Odom was 5 years ago it was because you loved the NBA. No one else knew who he was. He also as mentioned had somewhat of a negative connotation surrounding him because of his lack of will. But the dude goes out and marries Khloe and he’s got his own TV show, national fame and people love this tall goofy dude. I just love that he is in this picture. It is so fucking random. More or less a modern day esoteric NBA reference just standing there in this picture dressed in a tux and looking slightly worried about whatever it is off camera… maybe Scott Disick.
As for Khloe, I love that she married Lamar because of all of the above. People point to Kim and say they don’t know what she does… I know what she does. She’s on the cover of dozens of magazines, she’s got her own fashion lines, she’s tweeting, doing interviews and all sorts of stuff. I don’t know what Khloe does besides being married to Lamar and being the younger sister of Kim, but who cares. I also like Khloe because she is different as far as looks wise. She’s got a butt and boobs on her too, but she’s the first of these girls to be tall. As Kris started pumping out kids… the first couple were short, but the rest are getting pretty leggy and Khloe was the first of that generation of tall Kardashians. It’s the little things in life I love obviously…
Errrr… what to say about two girls who are basically illegal for me to even talk about?
The one showing off her one leg is Kendall who recently turned 16 I believe or is turning 16 or something because I have seen advertisements about her Super Sweet Sixteen TV show/episode or something. Seriously, I kind of tune out when the TV goes to commercials. Anyway, I know that she was only legal in Mississippi until recently. Kendall looks tall. I don’t know if she’s stopped growing, but the way she looks it looks like she could eventually eclipse Lamar Odom with her height. She’s a runway and fashion model to no one’s surprise nowadays. Also, I literally just read this on twitter because someone retweeted it, but she failed her driver’s test I think and was crying about it. I love driving, but if I was stupid rich I would employ a chauffeur because that would mean I could be drunk always. She is 16, so maybe that’s not a good idea. Anyway…
The even younger Jenner/Kardashian hybrid is in the fitted mariachi suit – Kylie. In this picture, it looks like I could literally wrapped my hands around each one of their waists and touch my middle finger to my thumb like I can do with my wrists. Of course, I wouldn’t do that because I like not being in jail. Is no one feeding these girls? Anyway… Kylie’s not a model… yet. She’ll probably be modeling by the end of next year with the way this stuff works because she is only 14 right now in this picture.
As far as these two and their Twin Peaks vibe… Kendall is totally Lara Flynn Boyle and Kylie is totally Sherilyn Fenn.
And that’s enough of me talking about underage girls for one day…
So I think we’re done… wait… wait just a minute!!!!
BAM!!!
Didn’t see Rob Kardashian there did you? Yep, me neither. For whatever reason the Kardashian I know the absolute least about was cut off in Celebuzz’s original full photo of the Christmas Card. I didn’t even know there was a Rob Kardashian until 6 weeks through Dancing with the Stars. I don’t watch that show, but someone at Yahoo certainly does because they post updates on that show adnauseum. So I know he was on that show and I know that he lives and breaths, but that’s about it. I kind of was cool just knowing there was Kris and Bruce and then these 5 chicks of varying ages running around. The boy Kardashian doesn’t do much for me.
He kind of looks Hispanic.
That’s all I got.
Anyway…
MERRY CHRISTMAS in a few days…
and…
HAPPY HANUKKAH … TONIGHT!!!!
It Is Monday And I Post On Mondays So Here’s A Fucking Post
December 19, 2011
Happy Monday!!!!!!!!!!
This is ME!!!!
I survived this and the rest of weekend too!
Congratulations for your and my continual existence!
We had some unfortunate losers in that game this past week like renowned atheist author Christopher Hitchens and renowned military jumpsuit wearing and big sunglasses loving dictator Kim Jong-Il. They will not be joining us for the rest of eternity. In all honesty, I wasn’t particular partial to either of these men. I never read a full Hitchens book and I’m not a proponent of isolationism and/or totalitarianism. Hitchens did seem to be the better guy of the two. I mean I’ve read some snippets of Hitchens’ work and I’ve seen him interviewed a hundred times, so I knew he was quite quick with his wit and generally very bright. At the same time, Hitchens did not inspire Team America: World Police or force people to put on flashy dance numbers with numerous costume changes just for his own amusement.
I’m not really sold on, which one I would have rather known more. It’s always the idea that you have to “break bread” with someone to get to know them.
If I could have eaten dinner with one of them, which one would I have chosen? That is legitimately a difficult question.
HITCHENS – I imagine it would be a nice meal filled with red wine or whiskey and cigarette smoke. We would talk of the ills of religion and shit talk on its hypocrisy and all that good stuff. He would lecture me about things that I didn’t even know about because this guy has spent his whole life reading about this stuff meanwhile 6 months out of the year I’m hopelessly addicted to the NFL and the entire year I’m watching men fight each other in cages and every once and a while a chick fight or two. Anyway, I would learn some things and I would’ve walked away with lung cancer from second hand smoke and be drunk.
JONG-IL - I would probably fear for my life at all points during the meeting. At any moment, I could be taken prisoner just like Lisa Ling’s sister and then Al Gore would have to get his fat ass off the couch and save me. I don’t know how much or how little Jong-Il spoke of the English language, but I speak zero Korean, so having to speak through translators would be annoying. Regardless, the meal would be absolutely ridiculous. I would imagine we would be dining on some lavish meats and probably a few illegal ones. Also, we would have incredible dining entertainment. Also also, Jong-Il used to order porn and Hennessy by the case from the US of A and that is the makings of a very memorable evening. I doubt Jong-Il and I would talk much about politics or really anything, but our evening together would be filled with wild laughter, international crimes and probably prostitutes, which is way more than I can say about the history lesson or religion 101 class I would get from Hitchens.
Dinner Dinner Chicken Winner = KIM JONG-IL!!!!!
What else is going on?
Well, last night I slept in my own bed for the first time in 4 nights, which means I’m picking up some Holiday money with my booty. Yes, I am a “man of the night”. Actually, a “man of the night” sounds a lot like how one would describe Batman. If you say a “woman of the night” you immediately think “whore” and not “Catwoman”. So if a man is out at night consistently then he is obviously solving crimes and defeating hooligans. If a woman is out after the Sun goes down then she’s probably selling her lady part holes for temporal pleasure.
I’m just saying… let’s combine the two.
What if Thomas Jane on Hung is still just forking over his big vanilla gorilla dong to whatever classy modern woman has the money to pay to play with it and in between appointments when he is letting his testicles recover he also is trying to clean up the streets of Detroit by beating up a few armed robbers?
I think I would watch that. Plus Thomas Jane did play The Punisher in the shitty movie The Punisher, so it’s not like watching the dude fight crime is all that foreign and after three seasons of Hung you should be ready for some good television for once.
Meanwhile, remember that short lived show I think it was on Showtime about a woman who was a prostitute?
Secret Diary of a Call Girl was a TV show that no one watched on Showtime for a bit. One half of the show was her having sex with men and the other half of the show was her pretending she was SJP or Dougie Howser M.D. and was getting all touchy feely with her inner monologue diary. How about she just has sex with dudes for one half of the show and then beats up other or even the same dudes for the other half of the show?
Billie Piper?! That’s her name…
She may need to use a gun, like a HUGE gun. I don’t think she could over power anyone.
Or we could write into the plot that her saliva and/or vagina saliva has a neurotoxin in it that starts to take control after she has sex with one of these dudes. They become completely comatose and cannot fight back. This also leads to her having a hard time having a normal relationship because she is afraid sleeping with a guy she likes will lead to her killing him, which isn’t as much of a worry when she’s sleeping with some mob boss she wants dead.
Whatever.
It beats the Hell out of Terra Nova.
If you’re like – what about Thomas Jane? I don’t know. Maybe his jizz is like an actual net that he can shoot out of his dangle and he can catch the criminals in that. Seems possible. Whatever. Have fun with it.
Either way, prostitutes that fight crime and/or crime fighters who hook sounds like good family entertainment to me.
Anyway…
I saw Young Adult.
Charlize Theron is as pretty as the Gods in Immortals on any given day of her life. She is also a great actress and I would be surprised if she isn’t nominated for I believe the third time for an Oscar for this. Funny movie. I liked it a lot. Patton Oswalt also gives a good performance, so now that guy has two movies where he “acts” in them – Big Fan and this. I put “acts” in quotes because when we say “act” we mean dramatic acting as if Patton walks around being a huge dick at ping pong tournaments like in Balls of Fury. He’s also great in his reoccurring role on Bored to Death. Patrick Wilson and Elisabeth Reaser do good as well.
Charlize oh Charlize. So pretty. She really only went there in the shitty Aeon Flux, but any shitty action movie Angelina Jolie makes I think Charlize could do as well. That’s not really a compliment about acting as it is that those two women have a certain beauty that may or may not have been created on a distant planet and is the key to the destruction or the salvation of the universe like the power ring in Green Lantern. I don’t know. I’m just saying it seems that way to me.
What else?
Cris “Cyborg” Santos is still the scariest chick to walk this damn planet. If it was 400 AD or something, Cris “Cyborg” would rule South America like a female Genghis Khan.
I’m just saying women should pay a stipend to her because she is the strongest of you.
Pitbulls Are The Shit and The Golden Globes Are Just Shit
December 15, 2011
Happy Thursday!
You can practically smell the weekend. Generally, the weekend is conducive for less showering or personal upkeep. It has a foul stench which is hopefully covered up with perfume, sex and whiskey. Either way, if you can make it through today then tomorrow is Friday and that means you can probably lie to your boss about needing to leave early and you have a 2 1/2 day weekend! WOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Anyway…
I was going to write about the Golden Globes nominations because that was the only minor piece of interesting news I spotted in my morning round-up… BUT the nominations suck the biggest dick this year like they do all other years.
Moneyball is nominated in every category somehow.
I don’t know who the Hollywood Foreign Press are and I definitely don’t know why they would have their own award show and even if they made one, why does anyone give a fuck about it? Was it last year that The Tourist was nominated for a ton of awards? Or maybe that was the year before. I can’t remember. Either way, the Hollywood Foreign Press are bunch of pieces of shit and I hope they get hit by a car. Collectively hit by a car. Like they’re all walking across a street somewhere in a single file line and this car just never lets off the gas and just plows through each and everyone of those fucking idiots.
I didn’t say “killed by a car”, but definitely I hope they get hit by one.
The funniest thing about the Golden Globes is that it does television as well. They know absolutely nothing about movies AND they know absolutely nothing about television.
Best TV show in the “Comedy or Musical” category:
“Enlightened” (HBO)
“Episodes” (Showtime)
“Glee” (Fox)
“Modern Family” (ABC)
“New Girl” (Fox)
UGH!
I’ll definitely say Glee is the best musical television show out there because I can’t think of another. It wins by default. Are there other scripted musical TV shows? So, if they want to give them a Golden Globe for being the only one of a category that shouldn’t exist then sure give them one. Why not?
As far as comedies, Modern Family is the only one that’s good. But Modern Family hasn’t even been nomination worthy recently. It has been good, but not that good.
What about?
Community, Parks and Rec, The Office (maybe), It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Louie, Happy Endings, Bored to Death… these shows are all better than what’s nominated.
Other shows they won’t nominate, but are definitely more COMEDIC than all those other shows Archer, The League, Blue Mountain State, The Life & Times of Tim…
Best comedy should mean “shit that makes you laugh your fucking balls off” and no one is laughing their testicles off to Enlightened. If you even know what that show is is a big question let alone your ability to laugh your reproductive organs off from it.
Anyway…
Fuck the Golden Globes in their collective asshole with an enormous monkey wrench. Not the handle, but the other wrench side.
*deep breath*
…
..
.
PITBULLS!!!!!!!!
I saw this and I loved it.
Pitbulls are great animals and if you think otherwise then you are stupid and no one should listen to a single word you have to say until you fucking smart up and start loving pitbulls.
Recently, I have had a fairly regular interaction with a pitbull named Lucy.
My friend’s girlfriend’s dog is a puppy pitbull and she is a very sweet dog who I pet and then she falls asleep on me.
So there’s that.
Also, while we are going through photos on my phone of dogs, which I have a million pictures of…
Here is my golden retriever Gracie when she is mad (from me riling her up) …
She looks like an alligator.
This is a picture taking no less than a 5 seconds later after I’ve pet her face…
Prettiest/sweetest dog in the world.
And here is the whole lot of them just hanging out on a KONG dog couch…
That’s what I got for you today…
I’m going Christmas shopping and then I’m going into the City to watch some football.
I might not post tomorrow and if I don’t… then remember I hope you have a great weekend.
A weekend that you can tell your grandkids about… when you’re too old to know any better and you have had a few too many gin drinks and your grandkid is of that age where they’re going through puberty and you want to relate to them that at some point you weren’t a foot from your death bed and you too were going to dance clubs and grinding up on people’s genitals and they even liked it sometimes. That’s the kind of weekend I hope you have.
I love you?
Random Wednesday Post Is Random
December 14, 2011
Happy Wednesday!
I hope you all are enjoying the middle of this particular week.
I hope you are also ready to read three movie reviews for three movies you’ll never take my advice on seeing as well as a couple of other things.
MY DREAM…
I dream many dreams every night because I have sleeping problems. I wake up a lot and turn and fall back to sleep. With that, I get at least 5 dreams a night. I don’t remember all of them, but I do make note of them for that moment I wake-up and I’m like “that was pretty fucked up” or “that was boring” or “I wish I was getting a new puppy today” and so on. Last night, I can remember two of my dreams. The less meaningful and yet truly apropos one was about meaning procrastinating on articles I need to write for money. Although, I’m currently not procrastinating about any – I will be shortly and have done much of it in the past.
The second dream was much better. It started off oddly with me living in a college dorm room setup, but I was with some of my college friends, so that was ok. There was a lot of turnover in this head movie where people kept coming in and out of the room like my parents and as mentioned kids I went to college with. There were two ladies who came into the room who looked fairly similar and were completely off my own fabrication – Scarlett Johansson’s twin sisters. They weren’t twins with Scarlett because she is a twin herself with her brother. But these were sisters of Scarlett that looked like Scarlett and were twins to each other. Let’s just say it was very difficult leaving that dream world of basically 3 Scarlett Johanssons to now a world of only one. Also, in that dream world I knew two of the three Scarlett Johanssons and in this world I know 0 of the 1. So that sucked.
MOVIES…
Over the past three days, I have seen three movies. Three FOREIGN movies. They were all good movies and all in a sense action/thriller movies. They are all recent movies too.
POINT BLANK (France) – This was the most evenly distributed action/thriller of the bunch. There was a lot of chase sequences and most of the action was really plot driven, so it was all very tense. The movie is about a career criminal who was shot in the stomach by police while being apprehended by the police under suspicion that he murdered some famously rich guy. So, the guy is under police supervision while recovering from the gun shot. That criminal is one of the main characters of the movie. The main main character is a male nurse who works for that hospital who is married and his wife is 9 months pregnant. A partner of the criminal kidnaps the nurse’s wife and tells the nurse he has to break the criminal out of the hospital to get her back. That’s the start of the movie. From there the movie unravels into this world of crooked/murderous cops that have the nurse running for his life and at the same time trying to figure out a way to get his wife back. It’s definitely an intense movie and worth a watch.
THE MAN FROM NOWHERE (South Korea) – This movie is available on Netflix at the moment and is definitely an enjoyable action film. The movie is pretty similar to The Professional and/or Leon depending on how ridiculous you feel like being – it’s the movie with Jean Reno as the hitman and Natalie Portman as his 12 year old or whatever sidekick… which by the way is one of my favorite movies of all time. Everyone, boss? EVERYONE!!!!!!! … Anyway, in this movie there is a boring/keeps-to-himself guy who lives in an apartment complex and has befriended this little girl who lives with her mom in said apartment building. The mom is a stripper and a junkie and doesn’t take care of the kid that well. The mom also ends up stealing a lot of drugs from someone at work, which turns out to be apart of this major drug deal between these two warring drug dealing mobs. Anyway, the one mob comes looking for the stripper/junkie/mom and they kill her and kidnap the kid to use in one of their other horrible schemes – they use them to make drugs and once they eventually drop and die from the fumes, they sell the kids’ organs on the black market. Anyway… turns out that keeps-to-himself neighbor is actually a former special ops military guy who wanted a boring life because he was tired of all the gun play and the death from that life. So… he ends up getting wrapped up into this by trying to save the little girl’s life from the drug mobs and in doing so pretty much kills every bad guy in South Korea. It’s excellent.
THE ROBBER (Germany) – Good movie and had been waiting to see this for awhile. This movie is more thriller and drama than action. The story is based upon the true story of Johann Kastenberger who was a famous Austrian marathon runner, bank robber and … murderer. First and foremost, the Johann in the movie is apparently a billion times better as a human being than the Johann in real life. In real life, Johann killed at least 3 people and also abused his wife and so forth. I’m not saying Johann in the movie doesn’t do some of that, but if you see the movie you’ll see he really isn’t AS bad. Anyway, Johann was a national hero runner for the Austrians and won many races and so forth. He also was a robber as the title suggests. The movie begins with his release from prison where he spent 6 years for an attempted robbery. Once he gets out, he begins his marathon running ways and rips off a string of robberies. At the same time, he reconnects with his former girlfriend. The movie has a few great chase sequences with Johann using his incredible speed and ability to run for incredible distances to get away from police. It’s a good movie and the ending is apparently much nicer than the one that happened in real life.
Also, this woman is in the movie…
Her name is Franziska Weisz. She plays the girlfriend of Johann.
Just a little and completely obvious look into the mind of your typical male (me), as soon as she appeared on screen my thoughts were “Please God, let her get naked in this movie” and SHE DOES! So there’s that. The nudity is a little artsy, but it is still nudity as compared to no nudity. Oh man was it great though because I’ve never heard of her before and I’m like WOW they got a really hot chick to play this guy’s girlfriend – how great would it be if she also got nekkid… BOOM! 20 minutes later and there she is in her birthday suit and by that I mean with her boobs out and you can see the profile of her butt.
Good movie.
TELEVISION
HOMELAND – I watched the first episode of Homeland last night. Good show. Everyone kept telling me how good that show was. By everyone I mean my parents and Conan O’Brien. I watched it and it was good. If you have Showtime, Homeland has all its episodes right now. The show is split between two peoples’ perspectives right now. The first is Claire Danes who works for Homeland Security or something or the CIA or something again. She works for the US government and she’s trying to stop terrorists from attacking us again. She gets a message from an informant right before he is killed that there is a terrorist plot brewing and it has to do with a POW that was turned. At the same time, we have Damien Lewis’ storyline of being a recently rescued POW who has been suspected dead for like 9 years I believe. So, is he the POW that has been turned? We get glimpses of the torture he has been through in the first episode and that he is lying about some of the stuff he went through. So maybe he is the terrorist, maybe he isn’t and Claire Danes is just nuts…
Either way… the first episode rocked because this chick…
gets NAKED!!!!!
Yep. That’s the Brazilian beauty Morena Baccarin who you may remember from V or Firefly/Serenity or some other random television shows. Anyway, she’s gorgeous and the first scene she is in she’s completely naked and seriously God bless her and the people of Homeland for that.
I think Claire Danes gets naked to… or I could be making that up. It seems like she’s going to get naked. We do see her wipe her vageen down with some wet toilet paper. I’m just saying that does happen. She’s clothed when she does it, but it does happen.
Also, speaking of… have you noticed over the past decade or so how many women pee in movies and television shows? It is really in movies more than TV. But if you’re watching a movie and the main character is a female then you have I think at least a 40% chance of seeing her peeing in the movie. I’m not sure why that started or what that means about our society, but we do see it happen a lot.
I haven’t seen Young Adult yet, but I do want to see it and I’m putting a $5 bet that we see Charlize Theron pee in that movie.
Was that post random enough?
How has your week been thus far?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus = Creepiest Song Ever
December 13, 2011
Yep.
Happy Tuesday day everyone who is reading this. If you’re not reading this then go fuck yourselves! I mean, why not? It’s not like they would know anyway.
We’re less than two weeks out from the biggest most specialest day of the year where everyone gives presents and expects even better presents in return and we all pretend we love Christmas songs. By-and-large, Christmas songs suck. They’re no Flo-Rida or Taio Cruz. Most of them fall into two categories of music: 1. oldest songs recorded ever, and 2. crooners. There are a few good ones in the bunch, but for the most part we’re just picking through this trail mix of shitty songs for the one or two M&Ms they lightly sprinkle in there.
Also, I’m in the mindset that if you’re sitting around humming “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer” that you’re really humming to yourself “gifts for me”, “vacation days”, and “I’m getting drunk in front of my family and they can’t saying anything because it is Christmas time”. And at the same time, “Rudolph” is one of the better songs.
But, today on this Tuesday, we’re not here to talk about the good or even the ok or the average. We’re here to talk about the CREEPY!
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by Tommie Connor
This is the oddest song.
First of all, this song is of course just creep city with the 13 year old boy Jimmy Boyd singing it. It just is creepy listening to a little kid sing about watching people kiss. If you’re like “oh, it’s innocent” then you’re a creep. The kid is 13, but he’s playing it up like he’s even younger than that. When I was 13, I wouldn’t have had the reaction that this kid is having about his mommy kissing Santa Claus. Also, at 13 it had been a long while since I thought Santa Claus was an actual person and instead would have known quite better that that wasn’t some magical North Pole resident with reindeer and presents and instead my mom and dad are having a lot worse of a marriage/holiday season than I could have imagined because my mom is currently slumming it with some destitute who was hired by the local KayBee Toy Store and is currently getting frisky with him in the house I sleep in. So, you’re not listening to a 13 year old, you’re listening to a 13 year old babying his own voice and speech up to sound like he’s 4 and that is fucking CREEPY.
What makes all of this worse, this song was a #1 hit in 1952.
Yeah, I looked up this song on Wikipedia and here is what those bastards told me…
The original recording by Jimmy Boyd on 15 July 1952 when he was 13 reached #1 on the Billboard charts in December 1952, and on the Cash Box chart at the beginning of the following year. The song was commissioned by Saks Fifth Avenue to promote the store’s Christmas card for the year, which featured an original sketch by artist Perry Barlow, who drew for The New Yorker for many decades.
I am thankful I live in this time and place. People talk about wanting to live in different eras and I consider it up until a point. Besides all the rampant racism, homophobia, sexism, and all the underlying corruption and crime you didn’t hear about back then… besides all that… are you telling me I’m driving around in 1952 and I’m listening to “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” every 20 minutes on the radio. God help me when the radio nowadays plays “Moves Like Jagger” too many times, but this song? Plus no internet. How did people even survive back then?!
The most popular song on the radio is of a little kid watching what he thinks is an affair and he is just tickled pink about it and it was all commissioned by Saks’? What a fucking country? What a fucking creepy ass country? Could you imagine if the number 1 song on the radio right now was “Napa know how, Na-na-na-na Napa know how, Napa know how”? I’m guessing you get that reference and I want to put my fist through my screen every time that commercial comes on.
Anyway… let’s get into the context of this creepy mess of a song…
The song describes a scene where a child creeps down from his bedroom to see his mother kissing “Santa Claus.”
Yep.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep;
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep.
It’s just fucking creepy.
Have you ever seen your parents kiss anyone? Who sits around to watch that? Anytime my parents are in a situation where they have to even kiss someone on the cheek (even each other), I turn my eyes away faster than if the light of seven Suns were shining into my corneas. Ugh. Watching your parents kiss people is not appetizing no matter who it is with or at what time of day or night. Nevertheless, it is the second stanza I have real problems with.
Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white;
Ok, back it up. This is when it gets a little unnecessary. I don’t think we need to hear about your slutty mother tickling Santa “underneath” his beard. I know some people might be like “oh, you’re the one with the dirty mind” and let me say this “we all have dirty minds because we are filthy creatures us humans”. Plus everyone was hiding meanings in their songs back then and this kid is creeping, peeping and watching his “mommy” kissing and tickling. It’s not innocent. It’s a divorce in the making and future psychiatric help.
There is a few more lines and they really leave another weird impression on me…
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.
I get that the kid doesn’t know that Santa Claus is supposed to be his own dad. I get that. We’re assuming this is a family with both parents and such and it is a heterosexual couple. Anyway, let’s just assume that because they are. The kid doesn’t realize that Santa is his own father. This leads me to two conclusions:
1. The kid is a dumbass. He doesn’t recognize his own father? Santa outfit or not, I mean you should recognize the people who made your life. I can pick my Dad’s cough out of a crowd of New York City noise every time, so don’t tell me in a living of two people and one person is your mom that you can’t tell the other is your dad.
2. This kid is a dumbass. “What a laugh it would have been”? Oh yeah, it would have been a lark alright. Dad wakes up or comes home late and sees his wife planting a kiss on a fat dude in red suit in the house he pays the mortgage for. And I bet he would have gotten a real kick out of seeing that trifling ho tickling that bastard’s beard. Oh yeah, it would have been real rich, kid. Does this kid have any concept at all what an “affair” is? Mythological character or not, that guy would have been in a fist fight real quick if he was caught kissing another dude’s wife.
I also read on the Wiki that the Catholic church got involved in pop-culture with this song…
Boyd’s record was condemned by the Roman Catholic Church in Boston when it was released on the grounds that it mixed kissing with Christmas, ignoring the fact that mistletoe, under which many couples kiss, is traditionally hung in many homes during the Christmas season. Boyd was photographed meeting with the Archdiocese to explain the song. After the meeting, the ban was lifted.
It’s nice to know that this really ruffled the feathers of the Roman Catholic Church in 1952 when they were still unapologetic about their silence during the Holocaust and they were in their hey day of raping children. But a song about mommy kissing Santa?! WHAT?! TO HELL WITH THEM! LITERALLY!
In conclusion, this song stinks and weirds me out and way too many people have covered this song and when they do it they really play up the kissing angle to the point you would think they were scripting the most hedonistic holiday hump session between mommy and Santa. Plus, Santa has a wife of his own remember? Dude is just kissing all these lonely mothers on Christmas night? Sounds like an episode of Hung.
Anyway… let’s end this on the greatest Christmas note, song and performance ever… with Alison Brie.
Well… This Is What Happened This Weekend…
December 12, 2011
First…
Did you notice something?
Like… HIS MOTHERFUCKING ARM BREAKING!
Here’s another angle…
If you’re having trouble noticing the break, look for the part where the white guy with the coiffed hair and tattooed back gets on top and when he’s cranking on the Brazilian guy’s arm, you’ll notice a moment where the rotation of the bend of the arm goes from one way to another way… simply because…
HE BROKE THAT DAMN ARM!
People think this type of stuff happens all the time in MMA and it doesn’t. Really.
The big white dude is Frank Mir and over his 10 year career inside the UFC’s Octagon, Frank has broken two arms in his 19 UFC fights. The first was against Tim Sylvia for the Heavyweight belt back in 2004 where Frank snapped Sylvia’s forearm or radius or whatever, but the thing got snapped. Then cut to 7 years later and Frank breaks the humerus of Sir Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira. So basically he’s on an arm snapping rampage and if you are so unlucky to fight this man in 2018 with Frank at the ripe age of 39 then he might break your arm if you don’t tap.
In all seriousness, the break is Nogueira’s fault more than it is Frank’s. Nogueira wouldn’t tap. Nog is a warrior and he’s too proud and as well as too used to dealing with pain to simply tap. He’s never tapped before, so why would he start now. Either way, they took him to the hospital and this was the X-ray…
And then they flew the big fella to Los Angeles and he had surgery done on his arm.
Not sure about recovery time and so forth, but in all honesty Big Nog was looking real good up until that arm getting broken happened. Just before they started rolling around on the ground, Big Nog was close to knocking out Mir. Actually, they were on the ground because Frank had fallen after taking a couple too many punches to the skull. It was Big Nog who started the submission attempts, which ended with the gifs above and that X-ray.
Either way, what an exciting fight?!
Guys getting broken arms like that is fairly rare and yes quite exhilarating as a viewer. And does that mean I like violence?
YOU BET YOUR ASS I LIKE VIOLENCE!
For fuck’s sake, I watched 6 hours of UFC fights and soon as the fights were over I flipped through the channels and saw that the Amir Khan vs. Lamont Peterson boxing match was just starting up. So I watched that! Also, that was a great fight minus the referee involvement. Oh boxing, you’re so corrupt. It’s almost your charm!
Second…
No one went to see this…
And for that, I say thank you.
THANK YOU, GOD! Thank you.
I believe the movie made just about $13 million or something, which is fucking TERRIBLE.
Apparently, the studio was only expecting $20 million probably because everyone thought this movie looked FUCKING DUMB and would rather watch people getting their bones snapped in half than watch Lea Michelle and Ashton Kutcher flirt or Zack Efron and Michelle Pfeiffer flirt or even try to figure out why Seth Meyers is in this movie. So they were crossing their fingers for $20 million and got almost half of that. So you would think that would go down as a FAILURE and everyone associated would never get a chance to do this shit again, but you would be wrong.
The director of New Year’s Eve is Garry Marshall. You probably know his name and even what he looks like.
Sadly, the movie industry is really like a club more than a business. You get in and become friends with these people and you stay in no matter what you do wrong. For instance, Garry Marshall.
Mr. Marshall directed/wrote/starred-in many famous television shows like Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, Mork & Mindy, The Odd Couple, The Dick Van Dyke Show and so on and so on. The most recent one of those shows had its LAST episode in 1983 – the year of my birth, so TWENTY EIGHT YEARS AGO!
Since then, Garry has been directing movies and acting. But I’m focused on the directing and not the occasional side character he plays in a movie he produces…
2011 – New Year’s Eve
2010 – Valentine’s Day
2007 – Georgia Rule
2004 – The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
2004 – Raising Helen
2001 – The Princess Diaries
1999 – Runaway Bride
1999 – The Other Sister
1996 – Dear God
1994 – Exit to Eden
1991 – Frankie and Johnny
1990 – Pretty Woman
1988 – Beaches
1987 – Overboard
1986 – Nothing in Common
1984 – The Flamingo Kid
Which of these movies are actually good?
The Other Sister? I could see people saying that was good. I also could see someone saying it was HYSTERICAL LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, but let’s just stick with people who don’t find retarded people funny. So, The Other Sister, which hit theaters way back before Y2K. That’s a pretty long time ago and since he has made a slew of shitty shitty women’s movies. Don’t you feel insulted at how much Garry Marshall panders to your gender and not only panders, but this is the SHIT he thinks you will buy because he KEEPS making the same SHIT over and over again. Before The Other Sister in 1999, what was previous good movie. Pretty Woman? I don’t think this is that good of a movie, but I really hope people are not going to try and argue that Frankie and Johnny was a good movie. Because it wasn’t.
Before that? Well, Overboard is a masterpiece we all know. Beaches? Back then women thought that movie was something, but I bet nowadays women are too tied up with vampires to try and pretend a stupid movie like Beaches is any good.
Anyway… what I’m saying is…
GARRY MARSHALL SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO DIRECT A MOVIE EVER AGAIN!
Ok?
Third…
Did you all see the Lindsay Lohan leaked Playboy photos?
1. Whoever buys this issue of Playboy to specifically see Lohan nude… IS A FUCKING MORON!
This is the THIRD time she has appeared naked in a magazine and the other magazine pictures have been around the internet, plus these ones are floating around too, so why the hell would you give Hefner your money? What’s the point?
2. This isn’t really what Lohan looks like naked
It is definitely the general idea of what she looks like naked, but they are so airbrushed as all Playboy is. There isn’t a single freckle on this bitch’s body in these pictures, but you know she’s covered in them. And I have no problem with freckles. I don’t have a freckle fetish or anything, but if you have them then keep having them. Lindsay has earned those freckles and not a single one appears in these pictures because they’ve wiped her down with whitener and then airbrushed the rest out.
What do you learn from these pictures that you don’t already know about Lindsay with her clothes on?
Lindsay has got some big beautiful tittays? Knew that already. Lindsay has a cute butt? Could’ve guessed that considering the rest of her plus she’s 25 and who at 25 doesn’t have a cute butt?
3. Oh she’s Marilyn Monroe!
Yeah, she’s trying to pose and look like the Marilyn Monroe pictures from half a century ago, which is topical stuff. BUT! Funny enough, Lindsay has posed naked as Marilyn Monroe before and those pictures were in New York Magazine back in I think 2008 or so and the photos are not nearly as air brushed or air brushed at all and they look 100x better to me probably because she looks like a human and not just some concept 3D modeling piece of video game designer created. Anyway…
Something else happened…
Fourth…
TEBOW!!!!!!!!!
The Chicago Bears got royally Tebow-ed by Timothy Richard Tebow.
I won’t go into great detail considering it is probably written about on every website even remotely having to do with sports, but it fucking happened again.
Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos won their sixth 4th quarter comeback in 8 games. The dude is a cultural movement at this point. It is simply ridiculous that the Broncos won yesterday against the Bears for so many reasons, but they did and in the end – Tebow.
There will be a lot of people out there talking about how much credit should go to the Denver Broncos’ defense and especially the play of breakout defensive star Von Miller. And he and they deserve all that credit. And people will give a lot of credit to head coach John Fox for coaching up that defense and as well as helping orchestrate an offense for Tebow to run that would suit him. And they deserve that credit. Also, there will be a lot of people wanting to give a ton of credit to Matt Prater for his two field goal kicks that the first tied the game and the second won the game. And he deserves every bit of credit for making both long distance field goals with all the pressure in the world on him.
But…
That doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be a shit ton of credit given to Tim Tebow…
