Marsquake aka Go Fuck Yourself, NASA!
February 23, 2012
Is it Thursday? Yeah, I think so. Last night was a hilarious episode of Happy Endings, a decently funny episode of Modern Family, and my guilty pleasure that I do not feel guilty about at all – Suburgatory. I hope I’m spelling that right. First off, any episode of any television show that revolves around doing the Dougie is good in my book – my book of Dougie based episodes of television shows. Actually, they show is good if you’re not watching it. Sisto and Tudyk are great best/worst friends, Cheryl Hines is excellent as a Real Housewives of Blah Blah Blah, and the kid actors have really stepped up their game. Also, the SNL alums of Ana Gasteyer and Chris Parnell potentially steal a scene(s) every episode. Modern Family was better than usual I thought. Last week’s was too much like an ABC Family television show. They get too wholesome every few episodes. I’m not watching episodic television for wholesome and/or moral lessons. Leave that to re-runs of 7th Heaven that’s the name of that show, right? The rip off of Party of Five, but if everything was normal and fine? Happy Endings was the best, naturally, and Max as Winnie the Pooh was the funniest thing I have seen this week. Currently, my beard is getting a little out of control in the Max as a bear kind of way. Either way… I wanted to say something today that was of more importance that simply giving a brief overview of ABC’s Wednesday night comedic schedule… what was it? Oh right…
FUCK YOU, NASA!!!!!!
That’s fucking right, you fucking fucks! I hope you get STDs, plural, in your sex holes!
If you’re wondering where this anger is all coming from…
BOOM! Fucking “Marsquake”?! Fucking Marsquake! It can’t be an “Earth”-quake, it’s gotta be a “Mars”-quake!
I’m not pissed at NASA because there are some rumblings on the surface of Mars. No! I’m mad because the fucking Mars Rover from 2004 is still working or at least was working in November 2011. STILL WORKING! WHAT THE FUCK?!
First off… who would’ve guessed that thing was still up there? And was still doing a job? Is the Mars Rover the only thing from the Bush Administration that is still gainfully employed by the US government?! ZING! But I digress…
Second off… how in the SAM FUCK is it still running? HOW?! 8 YEARS… EIGHT YEARS… EIGHT YEARS LATER!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!!!!!
A battery? Is it a battery? I doubt there is an electrical socket the good ole’ Mars Rover is plugged into. And as far as I know we don’t make jaunts over to MARS to switch out its battery for a new one. So your fucking telling me that there is a battery in that fucking satellite dish attached to a conveyer belt that is still ticking away EIGHT YEARS LATER while surviving the MARS WEATHER?! WHY ISN’T THAT FUCKING BATTERY IN EVERY FUCKING PIECE OF ELECTRONICS I FUCKING OWN YOU FUCKING FUCKS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
It’s also from 2000 and fucking 4! 2004! It is 8 years later and if my iPhone is even on the same table as a glass of water it starts to have a panic attack. If I take my iPhone literally outdoors and it is hot outside the damn thing will overheat. But there is a battery from 2004 sitting on the fucking surface of MARS for the past 8 YEARS and it is ticking away all fine and dandy?!
And the damn satellite reception not only worked then back in 2004, but it is still working now in 2012?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Sure, I can check out wikipedia on my cell phone now, but reception wise my cell phone is no better than it was back in 2001 let alone 2004 let alone 2011! The fuck, NASA? I get dropped motherfucking calls in my damn living room let alone of motherfucking MARS!
Back to the battery… are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?! Is that fucking battery that powers a damn rover on MARS in any of these damn electric cars out there? I know I know little to nothing about any of this, but you have got to be fucking kidding me that a damn rechargable battery that works on MARS and has been for 8 years and all that nonsense wouldn’t help out running a fucking Nissan Pathfinder for me in Jersey. Oh does it charge up on solar panels? Well put some fucking solar panels on my fucking car you fuck! MAKE IT FUCKING HAPPEN! I’m going to be paying $5.00 a gallon for gas this Summer and the fucking IRAQ WAR IS OVER, YOU STUPID FUCKS! Did you read that right? Yeah, gas is going up. It already is up. Why? Why?! BECAUSE THEY ARE GREEDY FUCKS! They said it was “because” of the Iraq war and some such lying shit, but that wasn’t the reason. They just raise and lower the price as they see fit. So get me my fucking battery and put it in my car and let me drive around in placid New Jersey like a rover on damn MARS does with almost 10 year old technology.
Maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe I’m fucking wrong that one has anything to do with the other.
Lastly, the big fucking question was answered or partially answered of whether or not there is “life” on Mars?
YEAH, THERE IS LIFE ON MARS!
I, again, might not know what I’m talking about, but I’ll tell you this – if we’re looking for cellular life – like a damn rudimentary amoeba on a planet that is 35 million miles away then I’m saying SAFE FUCKING BET… there is life on that damn planet. Is that fucking it? Then let’s just say fucking – YES already.
Are you going to find “life” as in a dude named Steve who is an account manager for a mid-size social media marketing company who plays squash on weekends and his favorite band currently isFoster the People? THEN FUCKING NO!!!!!!
There isn’t any STEVE walking around Mars with his iPod walking his Martian Labradoodle while drinking his mocha-frappa-chai-latte-of-fuck-yourself-just-drink-a-COFFEE-and-be-done-with-it. No that is not on Mars. But a damn amoeba? PROBABLY! IT IS PROBABLY UP THERE!
For fuck’s sakes it took us a decade to find Osama Bin Laden and he was in the country we thought he was in in a damn house 9 times the size of every other damn house in the damn country, meanwhile you think you’re going to find a speck of existence the fraction the size of a pinhead on a planet THAT WE DON’T EVEN FUCKING LIVE ON?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! YES! JUST FUCKING SAY YES! WHO THE FUCK CARES?! Yeah, maybe an amoeba up there will mean something when it evolves into Steve in TWO BILLIONS YEARS or how ever long it fucking takes for those things to happen!
Fuck you, NASA.
Make me a fucking car that works or a phone that works. Fuck you, fuck the rover, fuck a fucking quake on fucking planet that takes a fucking year to get to.
I’m out. Aggressive Thursday.