This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #…

May 4, 2012

Happy Friday!

I just had an interview via skype call from Azerbaijan.

TECHNOLOGY!

Also, I have to say that the US wrestling team coaches – both Greco-Roman and Freestyle – are incredible and highlight how un-incredible some other people can be. Seriously, the Greco-Roman coach, Fraser, is in Helsinki, Finland and gets back to me within seconds of me emailing him and gets me in touch with an assistant coach, Petkovic, who is in Colorado who also answers my email and phone call immediately. For Freestyle, the dude, head coach Zeke Jones, is in Azerbaijan and gets back to me immediately as well and does the interview via skype. Good people.

Meanwhile, I can’t get a guy from Florida, a guy from California, a couple people in Vegas, and someone in New York to answer my emails or phone calls at all. What the hell people!

Anyway…

There are UFC fights this weekend that will hopefully take my mind off my worries for a little bit.

You can watch these fights too!

The fights are on FOX for FREE at 8pm EST and whatever that is every other time on Saturday!

It should be an exciting card. No belts, but great fights anyway.

The main card is four fights…

… the first bout should be a heavyweight collision between Pat “Hype or Die” Barry vs. “Big” Lavar Johnson. Neither goes to decision often if ever and both are looking for the knockout. Pat is a former K1 kickboxer and Lavar is just a big mutha with an enormous hands and power and such. Should be great.

… the second bout should be a really interesting middleweight match-up between Alan “The Talent” Belcher vs. Rousimar “Toquinho” Palhares. The former is a hard hitting Muay Thai kickboxer type with underrated ground skills and is rarely in a boring fight. The latter is the Brazilian “Tree Stump” who is a freak of nature with arguably the best submission grappling skills in MMA and has a tendency to hurt people. It’s a match-up between two crazies and whoever comes out on the other side the winner will definitely be among the elite in their 185 pound division.

… the third bout is a showdown between former national champion wrestlers in Josh “Kos” Koscheck vs. Johny “Big Rig” Hendricks. Koscheck and Hendricks both are multiple NCAA Division I All-American wrestlers and both have one the Nation title (Hendricks 2x) and did so at the weight class, but Koscheck is 6 years older than Hendricks, so they never wrestled each other. Both have turned themselves into knockout punchers who like to bully their opponents and have done very well for themselves in the UFC. Even more added interest, Hendricks KOed Koscheck’s longtime friend and training partner Jon Fitch in their last fight.

… the fourth bout/main event is a 5 round potential, “Fight of the Night” potential match-up between Nate Diaz vs. Jim Miller. Both are blackbelts, both are within sniffing distance of a title shot, both are tough as nails, both are good stand-up fights, and I’m a fan of both fighters. If I had to choose who I want to win, I would lean to Miller because he’s from Sparta, New Jersey and I have to, just have to, rep the Dirty Jersey fighters. But I am a huge fan of Diaz and I’m really rooting for the war that these guys seemingly could have and I just want to love this fight and not think anyone got screwed at the end of it.

What else?

I have spent an inordinate amount of time reading Marvel’s Avengers reviews.

I have come to the conclusion that these people cannot come to a conclusion about this movie other than despite its prominent flaws and near childlike intellectual value – they wuv it. They wuv it so wery much. They just want to cuddle with it and spoon with it because they just wuv Joss Whedon even though they seem pretty sick of his schtick, but they wuv him – yes they do! – and they just wuv that they see the pwetty costumes on the scween and Wobert Downey Juniow is there and they wuv him and they wuv evewything.

What I have gathered from these reviews is that the Hulk smashing things in the movie is the beginning and end when it comes to true entertainment in the film. Everything else seems to be up in the air. Thor sucks apparently. So does Captain America, sadly. Hawkeye definitely sucks, which is no surprise there. I have seen love for Black Widow and I’ve seen even more “why was she in this movie?”. I’ve seen absolutely no, NO, mention of Nick Fury – Samuel L. Jackson – or Cobie Smulders – whatever her character’s name is. I did read one mention of Clark Gregg and his reoccurring role of the guy from S.H.I.E.L.D. that does nothing in these movies and I won’t say what happens to him solely because it sounds like the only thing that happens in the movie that could be ruined by a spoiler. Everyone else – except for the three I’m about to mention – seem to COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS as expected – sorry, Gwyneth.

That leaves us with Loki, Robert Downey Jr., and, as mentioned, the Hulk. People seem to like Loki for some reason and I think it centers around that helmet. I think people like the idea of Loki and like effeminate males with British accents and, of course, the helmet. I was talking about this out in the world the other day – truly – that I’ve noticed a lot of females cosplaying as Loki. Either cosplaying as Loki as a woman or cosplaying Loki as a man, but they are women now Boys Don’t Cry-ing as a man. I think this is a bottom line point about why I’m not in love with Loki that teenage girls feel comfortable dressing up as him and looking identical to him minus the height differential. Neither Thor or Avengers do a good job explaining anything involving Loki, his powers, why he’s scary, why he’s even a bad guy, and such… add the fact that little girls can dress up as him and can look like dopplegangers to him means that I’m thoroughly disappointed with this main villain. Seriously? DARTH VADER was not a teenage girl with a horned helmet. THE JOKER didn’t look like a freshman bullied by the “mean girls”. I hate Loki and his whiny lameness.

As for Robert Downey Jr., does it matter? Does it matter what he does or says or plot he’s pretending to be apart of? Does it? Does it really? Don’t you just want to see him and his goattee and winking and saying naughty things and being so chillaxed all the time? Isn’t that all that matters? If anything matters, it is that nothing matters to him, right? He’s the coolest kid in school, right? He’s a middle aged Ferris Bueller constantly sticking his tongue out to the audience and breaking that fourth wall. Who cares what he does because we just love him and think he’s the wittiest and I feel like I’m going to dry heave.

Lastly, as previously cited, THE HULK SMASHES THINGS! That’s the best thing in the movie – hands down. No one has said anything else otherwise. No one argues about that. The Hulk smashing things is the best thing and that’s it and that’s really the only reason to see the movie. The plot? Who cares! The acting? SHUT UP! The dialogue? YOU JUST DON’T KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUN! The overall story told and the point of the movie or the fact that this is just another vehicle to make you see a sequel that will be worse than this because it will be this same movie times 2? FUCK YOU, AND STOP QUESTIONING THE MAGIC OF CINEMA!

I’m the problem.

Also, everyone admits that the first 30 minutes of the movie sucks… so… CAN’T WAIT! I’m sure a movie with the first 30 minutes being boring and the only redeeming value of the movie is a final fight scene featuring the Hulk smashing shit in the exact same way the Transformers did last year deserves a retardo high rating. I’m sure that makes sense to someone!

Whatever.

Who cares.

No one.

I’m seeing the movie anyway because it’s the only of it out. Between the choice of not seeing an Avengers movie ever or seeing one that is a half assed Transformers rip-off then I’ll see that one. Between nothing and something – always choose something.

What else?

I did get a comment (I know!) referencing I didn’t review a movie…

I’m going to try to find Bel Ami on Amazon VOD now….you did not review that one, I’ll fill you in later, mkay?

Well, Ms. Fussy Britches, as far as I can tell Bel Ami doesn’t come out until June, so I wouldn’t have previewed it. Although, we all know that I’m not going to see that movie or like it if I did. I’ve seen Dangerous Liaisons and Importance of Being Earnest and Emma and a couple Don Juan movies and some other stuff and Bel Ami doesn’t look like anything to me. I wish you luck though in watching it on Amazon VOD, and would love to hear your thoughts on the film and I imagine how great it is to watch Uma Thurman and Rob Pattinson dry hump.

That’s all I got I think.

I hope you all have a great weekend!

I hope you all get the most out of life and seize the day and all that.

I hope you at least get your serotonin flowin’ some way or another.

I love you?

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One Response to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #…”

  1. PWG said

    I still love you. I hope you’re getting lots of comments when I”m not here begging the lurkers for them. My boss was fired last week, so my 60-hour per week job turned into a “I’ll never sleep or see my children again” job. I’ll be back to actually read this. Like during my REM cycles or something.

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