Kristen Stewart & Charlize Theron remake HEARTBREAKERS for Interview Magazine
May 31, 2012
It’s Thursday, right? Generally speaking, my “calendar” is what I’m watching on TV on any given night and with nothing on TV except the NBA playoffs, I’m kind of losing track of which day is which day. But I’m pretty sure today is Thursday.
Speaking of the NBA playoffs, if you work in an office or simply want to impress a bartender or a grocery clerk or whoever you would like to make think you know about basketball and in return they’ll want to put their mouth on where you pee out of, tell that person that “love him or hate him _______ _______ played his dick off.” And substitute the ____ ____ for Rajon Rondo, Dwyane Wade, Lebron James, Tim Duncan, Kevin Durant. TRUST ME! THIS WILL WORK!
Why will it work? First off, you don’t even have to know who won the game. Secondly, those men guaranteed did play their dick off in their last game and people respect that. Thirdly, there are a lot of dickless men resulting from these NBA playoffs because each and every game there are dudes playing their dicks off. DICKS OFF! Clean off the fucking body. DICKLESS! Last night, Lebron James and Rajon Rondo specifically played their dicks and most likely their nuts off. I imagine today has been spent having their entire set of genitals reattached.
Enough about you… selfish… let’s talk about Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron in Interview magazine…
THIS IS WHAT A VAMPIRE MOVIE LOOKS LIKE!!!!
I watched two Twilight films and at no point was I like “this is a vampire movie”. No. Never. What did go through my head was, “why are these Dawson’s Creek wannabe fuck nuts running through the God damn woods so much? You’re going to get bitten by a tick and get Lyme disease and doctor’s are going to mistreat it for the rest of your life because you’re never going to fess up and tell them you spend every waking minute running around a fucking forest like a damn lunatic and then you’ll end up in a hospital one day dying of what the doctors think is some unclassified illness and you better pray to God that motherfucking House shows up to save your ass.” That’s what I was thinking. I was also thinking why a movie about vampires had the same production budget and character design as an average episode of Drake & Josh. But who am I to argue with the genius that is the blandness of Twilight.
But, if one were to make a vampire movie… like per say… BLADE… which is easily the best live-action vampire movie ever made… then it would look something like this…
That’s what a vampire looks like!
Vampires don’t look like they shop at Old Navy and drive sensible automobiles… or GO TO HIGH SCHOOL WHEN THEY’RE A HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS OLD! … Vampires dress like they have super powers and spend an equal amount of time listening to Cradle of Filth and reading fashion magazines that only exist in hair salons.
That looks normal.
As the title suggests, this photoshoot reminds me of the rom-com “Heartbreakers” starring Sigourney Weaver and Jennifer Love Hewitt… except this time they’re also VAMPIRES. I would watch this movie.
Before I continue talking about “Heartbreakers”, never fuck a person who seriously uses the term “rom-com” in daily life more than once. I guess a person could have an uncontrolled verbal spasm and say “rom-com”, but if it happens twice then don’t let them into your underwear… EVER. I don’t care how much money they have. We need to police our own and that’s the first thing we can do. Also, never help someone wearing a buckethat ejaculate. Never do that. If you stopped helping them splooge then we would be rid of buckethats by now. Lastly, if a guy is single and he is wearing Crocs and you let him cum inside of you, you’ll have a dumb kid who smells. That’s science!
What was I talking about?
Technically, Charlize is old enough to have had Kristen Stewart as an offspring. Charlize would’ve been 15 years old, but Charlize is African, so… stereotypes aside… errr… uhhhh… I’m kidding!
Either way, this is movie magic! Sean Connery played Harrison Ford’s dad in Indiana Jones 3 and they’re both so fucking old they probably fart dust. So, instead of worrying about ages lets talk about Heartbreakers 2: Vampire Boogaloo.
I enjoyed “Heartbreakers”.
It’s got a great cast of Weaver, Hewitt, Jason Lee, Gene Hackman, and Ray Liotta. Even Sarah Silverman and Zach Galifianakis are in it. Anyway, it’s good for what it was. I bought that Weaver and Hewitt were a hot mom and hot daughter combo tandem who went around conning horny dudes out of money. It was good flick.
Now, Charlize would easily be a hot mom and Kristen would easily be a hot daughter and when you add in that they’re VAMPIRES then the age discrepancy thing becomes null and void because vampires can be any age. Charlize is 50 or 150 or 650 years old. Who cares? Same goes for Kristen. Sexy mama vampire could be 450 years old and piece of ass daughter vampire could be 215 years old. Who cares. It works.
Now, all you need is to add a few guys for them to seduce… fuck that even. They can seduce women. Kristen seduces Leighton Meester or the entire cast of Springbreakers. Meanwhile, Charlize could seduce Angelina Jolie who turns out to be a conning vampire of her own.
Don’t even pretend like you wouldn’t see this movie. You would see it and you would enjoy it.
It could be real good.
There could be a fight scene in it where Charlize and Kristen get pissed at each other and do some wild vampire moves. Also, you could basically recreate the sex scene between Johnny Depp and Eva Green from Dark Shadows with Angelina Jolie and Charlize Theron and that would fucking rock.
I mean I’m just thinking things up off the top of my head, and I’m pretty satisfied with the results. Like Kristen Stewart posing as a college kid goes undercover to a frat party at some ivy league school where there are a bunch of kids who have rich parents that she is going to get shitty shitty drunk and take compromising photos of and blackmail them with them, but they don’t know that she’s a vampire and vampires don’t get affected by booze the way humans do or some such nonsense.
It would work.
It’s kind of unfair that Charlize is also a very talented actress. She’s drop dead gorgeous and excellent at what she does.
But I guess the rub on that is that Meryl Streep is still making movies and no matter what dumb shit movies she makes they give her all the awards for it.
You were great in “Young Adult”.
I watched the second half of “Welcome to the Rileys” last night. If you’re a fan of Kristen Stewart and you haven’t seen that movie then you’re a shitty fan. The movie itself is pretty good. Like I said, it’s kind of a TV movie and if HBO came out with the movie instead of any number of the garbage political movies they have made over the past few years then they would be a lot better off in my opinion. Gandolfini and Leo are good and quite understated in the movie. There’s not too much melodrama or WE’RE YELLING SO THAT MAKES THIS DRAMATIC drama. It’s pleasantly subdued and tells a small story that is well acted by the three leads.
As for Kristen, probably the best acting I’ve seen her do. “The Runaways” was good, but she’s not the best part of the movie or even the focus of the movie. That movie spends so much time on Dakota and secondly Michael Shannon. That’s fine and all, but it’s not much for Kristen to do and what they have her do is kind of meh. “Into the Wild” is good, but she’s in it for like 5 seconds and she’s good as the dejected jailbait that she is. Anyway… she’s good in this. She kind of acts in the movie more like she does in real life – all twitchy and randomly cursing.
Like I said, it’s a pretty small movie, but it’s a decent one and they do it well. I imagine the movie was shot on a $50 budget, so it’s done well.
Between this and “Panic Room” it’s probably the most natural acting I’ve seen Kristen do.
Kristen Stewart wants IT.
She also says “cooter” in the movie, so that’s reason enough to see it.