“The Amazing Spider-Man” Sucked: The Movie Review
July 9, 2012
I hope you had another great weekend in your burgeoning lives of near super-stardom. And, I would like to help you on this journey of life where you are not caught in a situation, for example something completely random, like sitting in a movie theater about to watch a “Summer blockbuster” for the following 2+ hours and unbeknownst to you this little movie about a boy wonder superhero is MOTHERFUCKING THE WORST FUCKING PIECE OF FUCK SHIT EVER! See, I don’t want you to go through that. I would like to make sure you don’t go through that as many many many people were duped like I was into thinking that a FUCKING HIDEOUS VILE ANAL SECRETION of a movie was in fact decent or passable or at least not INSULTING AND MORONIC IN EVERY SCENE.
Basically, DON’T SEE “THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN” UNLESS YOU WANT TO FEAST ON THE TURDS OF HOLLYWOOD!
It’s that bad. It’s actually “Thor” bad.
Way back when – way before Lebron James won his first NBA championship, way before I had a fourth dog, way before I suffered the trauma of seeing Andrew Garfield cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry for an entire movie where is the hero of it – there were reports that “The Amazing Spider-Man” reboot was going to be focused more on relationships, high school students, and all-around would appeal to a “Twilight” loving audience instead of per say a “Spider-Man” loving audience. And when those articles were written and read people groaned and seemingly forgot because a year later there were commercials of high paced action, there were glowing reviews, and a hope that if a film studio was going to “reboot” a series that produced 3 films that all took place in the past decade then it would be for a fresh and interesting take that we all really needed to see.
In reality, the articles were 100% accurate and “The Amazing Spider-Man” is as much a reboot of “Spider-Man” as it is of “Twilight”. And with that being said…
FUCK YOU, “TWILIGHT”! YOU RUINED “SPIDER-MAN” FOREVER!
If you’ve caught the jist, “The Amazing Spider-Man” is fucking garbage and is more or less a mash-up of a terrible re-telling, not re-booting, of Sam Raimi’s first “Spider-Man” and done so through the lenses of a “Twilight” and “I Am Number Four” fan.
That’s the broad strokes. The movie is terrible. I hated it from the first 10 minutes in, said that out loud 20 minutes in, and patiently sat through every scene to see if they got better and they didn’t. It was a conveyer belt of wooden dialogue, unimaginative directing, disconnected story telling, which never answered the fundamental questions that it proposes at the beginning of the movie and instead turns out to be a nightmarishly awful retelling of the first “Spider-Man”.
So, if you’ve got the message by now then please feel free to go as I continue to talk about how horrendous this movie was. But for the rest of you who may have suffered through that $200 million diarrhea and want share in the airing of grievances or for those of you who would like to know even more how truly insipid everything was then continue reading…
Here is a list of things in “The Amazing Spider-Man” that were completely idiotic and stupid that are in no particular order…
1. Emma Stone wants IT
She does. In every scene. In every short skirt accompanied by thigh high boots outfit, Emma’s portrayal of Gwen Stacy could only lead one to believe she had a roll of Brawny paper towels hidden between her legs soaking up her overflowing vagina of want. Did you want this movie to be like “Twilight”? Well, get a girl to BEG FOR IT in every scene regardless of what her male cohort is doing or saying or not saying or not doing. Besides Emma and Andrew looking the least like high school students as they possible could, Emma is the wettest high school girl this side of Bella Swan and practically anything a guy she seemingly just spoke to for the first time says or doesn’t say or merely gestures turns on her water works in her pants, her breathy talk, and her lunging for anything that he’ll give her.
The relationship between Emma and Andrew is nearly IDENTICAL to “Twilight” and the only differences that there are actually make this relationship worse than Ed and Bella. Why is Gwen so fucking hot for Peter’s peter all of a sudden? In “Twilight” at the very least Bella was new to town and had never met any of these people, and same goes for “I Am Number Four” with whatever their characters names were. But Gwen and Peter have been in the same class together for seemingly ever and one day she catches Peter barely getting involved with Flash Thompson – the school’s bully/most understanding puppy dog more on that later – and gets punched in the face by Flash and from that moment on no matter what Peter does or doesn’t do – SHE IS PLEADING WITH PETER TO GIVE IT TO HER!
Add in that Peter visits Gwen through the window. Add in that ridiculous scene of them on the rooftop where she kisses him and says “you’re Spider-Man” through her muffled gasping orgasms. It was fucking so fucking stupid. That scene was just as bad as Ed and Bella in the woods and she’s like you run around the woods and you sparkle, so you’re a vampire! What? A vampire? Wouldn’t have been my first guess, but ok. And the acting and everything was on par with how bad the acting is in “Twilight” with somehow WORSE DIRECTING. Who knew it could get worse, but it did. It actually really reminded me of was the “Saturday Night Live” skit “Firelight” making fun of “Twilight” except this was serious.
But for all Emma Stone fans who have been hoping to see her cum shuddering at every piece of dialogue thrown at her like Kristen Stewart does in the “Twilight” series… you got your fucking wish.
Emma Stone wants IT.
2. The Lizard Man is the Green Goblin
He is. He’s actually a thousand times less interesting and more annoying and a lot less cool, but he’s the same. What was the Green Goblin? A scientist who developed a formula that would transform him and then he uses it on himself and that turns him into this unstoppable villain. Take a wild guess what the Lizard Man is? THE SAME FUCKING THING! There is even the IDENTICALLY HORRIBLE scene where the Lizard Man has a conversation with his inner-monologue about destroying the city in the exact same way Willem Dafoe did in front of that mirror like he was Gollum in “Lord of the Rings”. But in “The Amazing Spider-Man” it’s even worse.
In “Spider-Man” the Green Goblin is an infinitely better villain who kills members of the U.S. military, has tricked out hover boards and grenades and missiles, nearly kills dozens of hundreds of people including Spider-Man’s girlfriend on purpose and nearly succeeds, he defeats Spider-Man at first, but then throws him away because he thinks he’s that much better than him, and fights Spider-Man to the death at the end.
The Lizard Man is boring, has no cool weapons except for his nails that grow, he just randomly freaks out and randomly knocks cars off a bridge for no particular reason, and ends up in jail. He also moves his lab to the sewers for no apparent reason considering his own lab is perfectly functional and no one is around to get into his way. I guess the Lizard Man just moves it to the sewers because he’s part lizard and lizards love the sewers and if that’s the only reason then that’s a fucking stupid fucking reason. Seriously? It’s easier to make a medical lab in a corner of a drain pipe than to sit in a space age lab and throw some cool water on the floor and roll around in it.
3. Peter Parker has the most functional cell phone ever – WORKS IN THE SEWERS!
My phone doesn’t work in my basement, but Peter Parker’s getting full bars in the sewers of Manhattan. What in the Hell? It’s a completely needless scene too in that movie, but it’s more unrealistic than a man turning into a 9 foot lizard.
4. Lizards are immortal
Probably the dumbest and most throwaway logic used in the movie is the idea that lizards can regrow their tails and with that one could use that cross-breeding idea to make lizards have instant regeneration abilities to make them FUCKING IMMORTAL. There’s a scene where a squad of SWAT guys unload machine guns into the Lizard-Man without any body armor on or even attempting to dodge or hide from the stream of bullets entering his body. But you know what? A lizard can regrow it’s tail, so they can take a bullet too! RIGHT?! RIGHT?!!!!! The Lizard-Man also takes several shotgun blasts to every area of his body and even freezing the guy’s appendages doesn’t seem to help.
First thing first, you shoot a lizard with a gun it’s dead. Second, the Lizard-Man should have died after getting shot more times than Sonny in “The Godfather” and that would’ve been the end of the movie. So fucking stupid.
5. The skateboarding/super power scene was a rip off of “Footloose”
Apparently, there are abandoned warehouses with half-filled buckets of paint and a veritable ropes course set-up for no reason other than for Peter Parker to run around and jump around and swing around and skateboard around in a music video montage sequence that is eerily reminiscent of Kevin Bacon working out his aggression doing gymnastics and dancing through a steel mill in the infinitely better movie “Footloose”.
Also, aren’t skateboards super cool? Yeah, man! They’re radical! It’s fucking 2012 and the high school bad boy still rides a skateboard. The started and ended with “Gleaming the Cube” fucking 2 decades ago. Tony Hawk is a 100 years old and the X-Games is basically Saturday morning cartoons at this point.
6. Spider-Man looks like a twerp
7. Stan Lee is a passive George Lucas
George Lucas is worse because he created a franchise full of characters we love and spent many hours with and then years later he decided to rape them and our positive memories of them over and over again by his own hand with the prequels and whatever else he does with those stupid cartoons and whatever else. Meanwhile, Stan Lee also created a host of characters people adored, spent untold amount of money on, and connected with and he has appeared in every one of their horrible movie imaginings including this one. He stands by and watches movie studios defile the corpses of his once beloved creations. I hate Stan Lee like George Lucas.
8. Why is there a piece of controversial scientific machinery sitting in the lab?
So, the end of the movie is that the Lizard Man is going to take his lizard serum and disperse it over the city (or 40 blocks of it) as a gas cloud and make everyone lizards. I have no idea why that is his plan because that’s fucking retarded and worthless plan. Why? The Lizard-Man wants to simply live in a city of lizards? What a fucking dumb plan. Also, what about the Lizard Man having to take multiple injections of the serum to become what he is, but the city can just inhale some funny green air and that works just as well? Either way, the way the Lizard Man is going to accomplish this is by using a funky piece of gas dispersing machinery that some deemed good and some deemed a terrorist attack waiting to happen, but thankfully no one saw fit to get rid of the machine or at the very least put it into storage. Instead, this controversial device is sitting ready to go in the lab where any one can get it and use it. Dumb.
9. A high school senior has a better job than you and dresses slutty while doing it
Gwen Stacy’s job is to be Dr. Connors’ (eventual Lizard-Man) assistant. A high school senior is the personal assistant to supposedly one of the brightest scientists on Earth who is doing incredibly experimental research like inter-species genetics cross breeding. SHE’S A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT! She also dresses in mini skirts and thigh high boots at work, which isn’t appropriate for any office let alone a science lab… that is of course we’re not considering that she got the job because she’s fucking the good ole’ Doctor Connors, which would make a lot more sense.
10. A wildly expensive laboratory filled with experimental technology has absolutely no security
I guess the same type of science lab that has high school students running it would be the type that has the worst security in the history of security. Peter gets into the lab showing absolutely no identification to the security woman and later I guess we’re supposed to assume that he gets into the lab by some legitimate means or he gets into the lab using his spider abilities or who knows, but Peter just walks right into Dr. Connors’ lab and office and no one is around and no tries to stop him or finds it weird or anything.
11. About the craziest invention ever – steel cable strong spider web – is easily bought over the internet/through the mail/through an infomercial
Spider-Man doesn’t actually shoot web that he makes – although why doesn’t he make web if he’s becoming a spider – he shoots web from web shooters he’s designed and the web is actually a product that he can simply buy through the mail. How much would a highly experimental, scientific breakthrough invention cost to you that’s a thin web that is strong enough to pull an airplane? Where does Peter get the money to buy this stuff and buy so much of it that he’s just mindlessly shooting it all over the city? Utterly fucking stupid.
12. Crane operators live by their own code of law and run New York City
Apparently crane operators in New York City are like a masonic brotherhood who don’t question the wild demands of one of their own and also work seemingly 24 hours a day and are waiting at their controls at all times. A crane operator whose kid was saved by Spider-Man earlier in the movie gets a wild hair up his ass and calls the other crane operators of the city to maneuver their cranes to help Spider-Man along his way to get to the Oscorp tower. Uhhhh… what? Hey Sal, could you move your 54th street crane about 90 degrees right now and do it literally this second because Spider-Man is in mid-swing and you need to catch him, so he can go defeat a giant lizard that is ransacking a high tech science lab that has no security guards? Oh ok!
13. All car thief, small-time criminals look the same – scruffy blonde shoulder length hair
Much of the movie has nothing to do with lizards and has so much more to do with dudes with blonde hair being petty criminals and by petty I mean MURDERERS. A guy with shoulder length blonde hair and a star tattoo on his wrist robs a convenience store then drops his gun in front of Martin Sheen and the two wrestle for it and he kills Martin Sheen. For the next 30 minutes after that, Spider-Man turns into “Dexter” and hunts down all the scruffy shoulder length blonde hair having thieves – which there are a million of in New York City – and screws with them only to find out each one isn’t the guy.
Remember how I said this movie fucking sucks and is a retelling of “Spider-Man”? You know what was a sequence that was a BILLION TIMES BETTER? When Tobey Maguire gets stiffed by the wrestling promoter of $1000 or whatever and lets a guy rob him who then kills Uncle Ben who then Spider-Man tracks down and ends up killing. But in “The Amazing Spider-Man” instead has Peter getting stiffed of TWO PENNIES for a pre-made chocolate milk at a convenience store and lets some dude rob the place without using a gun, but then turns out to have a gun and kills Peter’s uncle and then spends the next 30 minutes of the movie and seemingly weeks of his life trying to catch him. Peter’s a dick in this movie.
14. Aunt May is a psychic
Although Aunt May never discovers Peter’s Spider-Man outfit or web shooters or that he goes to a science lab or really anything that he does, but Aunt May does know that Peter has come home late at night with bruises on his face and one time while eating breakfast and a news story comes on and it’s about Spider-Man – Peter leaves the room. dunh DunH DUNH! HE’S SPIDER-MAN! THERE’S NOTHING ELSE THAT HE COULD BE! So, for no reason at the end of the movie Aunt May realizes that Peter is Spider-Man. Dumb fucking movie.
15. Gwen Stacy is a psychic
Gwen’s dad is the chief of police or something and is played by Denis Leary. Well, at the end of the movie, Mr. Leary get’s gutted by the Lizard-Man, but has enough energy to ask Peter to promise not to involve his daughter – who wants IT. Peter/Andrew Garfield doesn’t talk much in the movie and instead cries a lot, mumbles, looks like a mopey dope, and doesn’t say “yes” to Mr. Leary and instead just looks wide eyed at him and tilts his head to the side like how my dogs do when I make funny noises. Following the death of his girlfriend’s dad, Peter doesn’t talk to Gwen at all and doesn’t go to the funeral or tell her what her father said in his dying breath or what even happened to her father right before he died because he was right there. No, Peter is a complete douche and just hides in his house. One day, Gwen comes over crying and all in black and possibly right after the funeral and asks Peter why he is THE WORST BOYFRIEND OF ALL TIME and his response is more wide-eyed, head tilting. He then breaks up with her in under 10 words or less. As Gwen cries and walks away, she stops, has a moment of clarity for NO REASON WHATSOEVER, and turns to THE WORST EX-BOYFRIEND OF ALL TIME and surmises that her father must’ve told Peter to stay away and then she smiles and walks away all happy.
WORST MOVIE EVER.
16. Uncle Ben is a psychic
In a scene we never see, Uncle Ben played completely unsympathetically by Martin Sheen makes the decision to call Peter and leave a voicemail where he imparts all the wisdoms he can think of – except for “with great power comes great responsibility” – and basically foretells his own death seemingly the day before it.
Also, Peter and Ben/May have never had an argument over all these years about Peter’s parents ditching him? When they do have the argument in the movie it takes everyone by surprise. Also, “uncle” and “aunt”? They look like his grandparents! And they have nothing to say about Peter’s parents/Ben’s brother at all? The only thing he has to say is he lived by a “code” and then rambles on about being good and then that’s about it because he dies. Meanwhile, Aunt May probably has 20 words of dialogue to go along with her wide-eyed, mouth breathing of shock look on her face at all times.
17. Aunt May has trouble reading emotions like “Rain Man”
Not to say Aunt May is autistic because really that’s just a slap in the face to autistic people, but when Aunt May sees Gwen crying on her porch, dressed in black, and in the rain with Peter – her first reaction is “did you ask that pretty girl out?” WHAT? First off, she came to his door and she came to it crying. Usually that isn’t the beginning of asking them out on a date.
18. Spider-Man needs Obamacare
No one will take more advantage of Obamacare than Spider-Man as Peter is covered in bruises and is even shot at one point in the movie. Peter needs more lizard in him to help with how banged up he is or we’re going to see Spider-Man swinging from web all around the city in a full body cast.
19. In a high school science classroom, two beakers of liquid when combined turns into a powerful explosive are sitting right next to each other
There is a terrible action sequence where the Lizard-Man tries to kill Spider-Man at the high school. Besides this being very reminiscent of “I Am Number Four” it also has a moment of complete lunacy. There is randomly two glasses filled with liquid just sitting next to each other in the class room and the Lizard-Man looks at them and immediately recognizes them in the middle of his seemingly blind rage and mixes them together and throws the concoction towards Spider-Man and it blows up like a grenade. Really?
Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino. Branzino.
If “Rush Hour” director Brett Ratner jerks off with shrimp fat then “The Amazing Spider-Man” director Marc Webb must have a “50 Shades of Grey” leather bound sodomy session with branzino.
21. Everything changes except your vocal cords
Dr. Curt Connors becomes a 9 foot tall lizard with regenerating everything and claws and a tail and stuff, but one thing doesn’t change – his voice. Although he spends a good deal of time mindlessly grunting, when the Lizard-Man speaks it comes out crystal clear with a Mary Poppins British accent. Stupid.
22. Web can be used to fix bullet wounds
Spider-Man gets shot and he shoots the web on it and it’s fixed. Fuck you, Marc Webb.
And last, but not least…
23. What the fuck is up with Flash Thompson?
It amazes me that Flash Thompson was even a character in this movie, but this movie is a horrible retelling of “Spider-Man”, so you need Flash to be in there and you need Spidey to humiliate him in front of everyone using his super powers, which no one questions. When we first see Flash he is picking on some kid by forcing him to eat his vegetables (really) and wants Peter to take a picture of it. Flash is so non-threatening that the dehydrated Rob Pattinson aka Andrew Garfield steps up to Flash with no problem. Next time we see Flash, he tries to pick on Peter, but Peter is now a vampire err Spider-Man, so he uses those Spidey skills to beat up Flash in a game of basketball. Yeah. Yep. Uh-huh. It’s worse than it even sounds. The time after that, we see Flash is after Uncle Ben has died and he runs to Peter’s side to have an emotional embrace with him because Flash isn’t really a bully – he’s just a big puppy dog of hugging and understanding. I think you see Flash again or not, I can’t remember right now, but he’s a nice guy now.
I want to see the Flash Thompson movie. No one’s character changed more dramatically than his. What happened to Flash in between scenes? Did he finally discover all of his bullying of smaller males was really just a defense mechanism to prove he’s alpha male macho because really he’s a tender soul who may have homosexual feeling towards the other boys in the locker room? Because honestly, that’s a better movie than the crap I watched about an unlikeable twerp who gets a hot piece of ass girlfriend for no reason and can now skateboard really cool while shooting web around the city.
Fucking garbage. That movie sucked. Don’t see it. Please. It’s more or less Andrew Garfield as Luke Perry and Emma Stone as Jennie Garth in the worst, most boring remake of “Beverly Hills 90210″ plus Luke sort of fights crime.
Next time, just give us what we asked for.