The INTERNET and the QUEENS of COMEDY did my work for me…
July 19, 2012
Vous etes belle et mal tentatrices.
First and, always, foremost, ME. Tonight! Yes, tonight! Le nuit! The night! I will see “The Dark Knight Rises”!
Yes, it will be done. I have a ticket for a midnight screening of what I will already label as a masterpiece without even seeing it. Nevertheless, I will see it at midnight. Je suis exciter. Oui, oui.
I know this is going to be a shit show or as you say in French – le shit show. I will be seeing the movie at a movie theater that has planned FOUR midnight showings this evening. FOUR?! Actually, the first two have already sold out and I’m sure the other two will as well. So, FOUR theaters of most likely college kids on break and high school kids staying up to late and I suppose people like myself who have nothing better to do and usually find themselves passing out finally at 4 in the morning anyway.
So, le nuit, I will be seeing a 2 hour and 45 minute movie at midnight and I’m guessing at the very earliest I will be back within the sweet central air of my house at 3:30 am. Magnifique!
The second piece of information is really what I want you to spend your day looking at and laughing at…
There’s a good chance you read this yesterday and with that I say, I’m not a time traveler bitch, so read it again!
Anyway, yesterday “Jezebel” released a transcription of a conversation the “Queens of Comedy” had about sex with Glamour magazine circa 2001. Lord only knows for sure if this was pre or post 9/11 and how that possibly changed their feelings about butt play… nevertheless, the following open dialogue filled with vulgarity is about the funniest thing I’ve read in recent memory. How was this not a TV show? Also, why did it take 11 years for this to see the light of day? Was this under a classified timed release like the Kennedy assassination files? I don’t understand this because it completely changes my opinion of these 4 women for the better and I could have thought these incredible things that I now think about them for the past 10 years instead of the past 10 or so hours.
Anyway, it’s super duper funny and God bless these women. Especially, Somorra. She’s truly one of America’s heroes in my and every straight man’s opinion.
I read just a minute or two ago that Fred Willard did something more astounding than anything you could possibly imagine involving vampire hunting, dinosaur reincarnating, and Moon landing: he got arrested in an adult movie theater.
Fred Willard, 78, from “Anchorman”, “Best in Show”, “For Your Consideration” and a 100 other movies was arrested for having his pants down and penis out while watching a porno at an adult movie theater.
All of that is the most confusing sentence in the history of sentences. Let me run this down by the numbers:
1. There are working adult movie theaters still?
2. What do you do in an adult movie theater besides masturbate?
3. If you go to an adult movie theater, are you there to simply watch the porno movie as a movie and for no other purpose? Sounds like Hell.
4. Has Fred Willard not heard of the internet?
5. Is Fred Willard so old that he has or has not heard of the internet and has no way of knowing how to get to the insane amounts of free porno on it?
6. Does Fred Willard not know how to find the free porn on the internet and, also, has no idea how to legitimately pay for billions of payable porn sites?
7. Has Fred Willard not heard of buying porno from a physical vendor of some sort?
8. Does Fred Willard not have a DVD player or any video playing device at his house of any sort?
9. Does Fred Willard not have a home?
10. Is Fred Willard broke and, possibly, homeless?
11. Was Fred Willard sober?
12. Was Fred Willard high on so many disorienting substances that he could not possibly think of another way to masturbate without frequenting a XXX movie theater and attempting to JO when the lights go out?
13. Did Fred Willard finish?