An Impartial Study On Blondes F#@king Quarterbacks & Quarterbacks F#@king Blondes
August 9, 2012
Hello, hello, hello.
It’s quite a title for today’s post, I know.
Yesterday, I pointed out that I had watched “Hard Knocks” the night before (Tuesday) and I thought it was funny that all three QBs (Matt Moore, David Garrard, and Ryan Tannehill) involved in the current “quarterback controversy” in Mighty Miami all 3 had blonde wives. Just some pretty white ladies with blonde hair. These blonde women I’m sure are very different once you get to know them. Whether it’s a blonde lady who supports your ABC’s “Bachelorette” fandom (Moore), or has an inviting southern accent just like her man (Garrard), or looks like she just stepped off the Miss America pageant stage at all times (Tannehill). They’re all unique and yet they all looked like they could have been sisters or first cousins. Or genetically engineered in a lab with a few custom designs specifically thrown in for said perspective customer. Either way…
I started to think about how many other blondes are wives or girlfriends for these leaders of NFL teams. I immediately thought of the Manning brothers and their blondes, Anthony Romeo (Tony Romo) got married to a blonde not too long ago, same with Big Ben in Pittsburgh, Drew Brees’ blonde wife has been shown by his side many times with their precious children, and Tom Brady’s Brazilian blonde Gisele Bundchen everyone knows and loves. At this point, I thought – “I wonder about other QB controversies”. Instantly, I remembered seeing Seattle Seahawks’ draft pick Russell Wilson sitting on his couch waiting for a phone call from a team and who was sitting next to him? His pretty blonde wife. The question, does his rival for the starting QB position Matt Flynn have a blonde wife? YES! Sort of, I think she’s his girlfriend, but he’s got a blonde lady(!).
That’s where I left you during yesterday’s post.
In the comments section, a commentator you all know quite well who hails from the thin, weed stunk air of Colorado, mentioned Kurt Warner’s wife as another starter (although retired now) who has a blonde. A blonde who is older and had kids when they met. Think about that. Is the blonde sickness that quarterbacks are obviously afflicted by that strong?! And then, moments later, I saw on another website about one QB’s blonde wife gave birth this week (Cutler/Cavallari). Anyway, it got me thinking more about how absurd this blonde/QB relationship is.
I decided to actually look this up and scour the internet for the leading ladies of these many men’s lives – this is what I got:
Jay Cutler’s wife is a famous blonde – Kristin Cavallari. Alex Smith’s wife is blonde. Matt Schaub’s as well. Apparent starter (although, I disagree) Kevin Kolb’s wife, Whitney, is a blonde; couldn’t find anything on Jon Skelton. Both Tim and Matt Hasselbeck share more than genes and a last name – they both have blonde wives. Aaron Rodgers and Matthew Stafford knows what’s up in the NFC North – blonde girlfriends. Mark Sanchez has been linked to several blondes from high schoolers to supermodels, so let’s chalk “Dirty” up here too. Ryan Fitzpatrick met his fellow athlete wife at Harvard where Liza played soccer. “The Red Rocket” Andy Dalton scored himself a blonde. Colt McCoy’s wife is blonde. Sources are unsure if Sam Bradford’s girlfriend is the blonde they say she is, but I’m buying it. Joe Flacco recently married a short blonde. Chad Henne has a blonde wife in Jacksonville; can’t find anything for Blaine Gabbert, but he himself is a long haired blonde.
Add the 3 in Miami, Eli, Peyton, Big Ben, Drew Brees, Tony Romo, Gisele (Brady), and the duo in Seattle – Russell Wilson and Matt Flynn.
Carson Palmer’s wife is a brunette! Matt Ryan’s too. Philip River’s wife and mother of all their many children is a raven haired lady. Christian Ponder’s got a busty, bikini wearing, brunette girlfriend. Brendon Weeden’s wife, Melanie, appears to be a brunette with blonde highlights, so that might be a half point for both sides. Number 1 draft pick Andrew Luck has a brunette girlfriend and she’s a gymnast – bonus points. Number 2 draft pick RG3, brunette girlfriend as well. Matt Cassell’s got himself a brunette down in KC.
Mike Vick is all alone in this category. Vick has a black baby’s Momma/girlfriend.
Can’t find anything on Josh Freeman’s leading lady in Tampa, or Joe Webb in Minnesota, or Cam “Prophecy” Newton’s. Cam is linked to a few chicks as girlfriends and they range all the categories. I did read an article where Cam said that he is single and has trouble finding a girlfriend because he sees “gold diggers” everywhere. To that I say, I thought I couldn’t love Cam Newton more than I did and I WAS WRONG. BOOM! I LOVE THAT GUY! I wish him all the best and root for him like he plays for the Steelers.
As for Tim Tebow, even though they are pretending he will not play QB, he’s single as well.
The totals are…
25 – blondes (I think, I didn’t count Elisabeth Hasslebeck from “The View” because Tim is retired… also wasn’t a starter – BURN SAUCE! All over Tim’s face. … hah… ahah… hmmmm… yeah, he probably couldn’t give a fuck. He’s a pretty blonde who is quite famous and wealthy herself and he’s got a job. Ok, I’ll stop talking.)
8 – brunettes
1 – African-American princess
and… 6 – undecided
There are plenty of other back-up QBs I didn’t look into, but there’s quite a chance they’ll be blonde too. I think I grabbed all the essential QBs. All the sure fire starters and the few back-ups that have a good chance of taking the starting roles. I did just look up Vince Young and he married his beautiful black lady recently. Vince isn’t close to being a starter, but was one and I’ve always thought he has the talent to be and is criticized too heavily and whatever I’m blabbering. I am a VY fan, so FU. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander – so what is VY’s buddy Matt Leinart up to? A blonde. He’s been attached to many blondes and he’s attached to another one right now according to the internet. Basically, this could go on forever.
And I’ll take it a few steps further because it’s funny to me…
Break downs for the starters for the NFC and the AFC…
NFC North – 3 blondes, 1 brunette
NFC East – 2 blondes, 1 brunette, 1 black lady
NFC South – 1 blonde, 1 brunette, 2 undecided
NFC West – 4 blondes
AFC North – 3 blondes, 1 brunette (Wheedon was named the starter in Cleveland; McCoy’s wife is blonde, so it could be 4 blondes)
AFC East – 4 blondes
AFC South – 3 blondes (I’m saying Chad Henne is the starter because he should be over Gabbert and I couldn’t find anything on Gabbert), 1 brunette
AFC West – 1 blonde, 3 brunettes (!)
What does all that breakdown mean? I don’t know, but you should try to figure out some algorithm or some theory from this data.
Wait a second…
I just looked up some past Super Bowl winning quarterbacks’ wives and there is a good chance that the last guy to win a Super Bowl with a brunette wife is Brett Favre in 1997. That’s hilarious if true. It comes down to 2 things:
1. Is Trent Dilfer’s wife, Cassandra, a blonde or a brunette? That seems to be up for a little debate. There are only a few pictures of her and I’m leaning towards blonde, but it’s hard to tell. Either way, I fucking love Trent Dilfer.
2. Was Tom Brady with Bridget Moynahan when he won any of those, 3, Super Bowls? Now, they were never married. He did knock her up. And he’s been with Gisele ever since. Depends on how the judges score this one. Judges being you.
Besides that… the last Super Bowl winners are Eli, Rodgers, Brees, Big Ben, Eli, Peyton, Big Ben, Brady, Brady, Brad Johnson (has a blonde wife named Nikki), Brady, Dilfer (like I said, jury is still out), Kurt Warner, and back-to-back Super Bowl wins for John Elway who at the time was married to Janet Elway who is/was a blonde. Currently, Elway is with a former Raiders cheerleader named Paige and she’s a brunette.
Either way, that’s a fuck ton of blonde wives with Super Bowl winning husbands. Even better, check out the teams that lost those Super Bowls – mostly quarterbacks with blonde wives as well. It’s unbelievable.
I have one final comment on this matter for the time being…
Lastly, I would like to conclude that almost all of these ladies have one thing in common, actually, two…
That may sound crass and it is, but IT’S THE TRUTH. Quarterbacks like a big pair of boobies to latch their monster hands onto. QBs are visual creatures and they like looking at that enormous chest meat up front. I’m just saying they love a set of squeezable sweater puppies more than anything else.