Whale halo, laydees end jenks…
Have you heard of BAS-KET-BALL?!
Whether you know or not, we’re nipple deep into the National Basketball Association’s playoffs. Right now, we’re at the second to last stage of this championship tournament, which are the finals of the Western and Eastern conferences, respectively.
In the WEST are the Memphis Grizzlies vs. the San Antonio Spurs – the Spurs are up 2 game to none. The Grizzlies were playing tremendously, but they’re getting kind of handled by the Spurs who are seemingly immortal.
In the EAST are the Miami Heat vs. the Indiana Pacers – their 7 game series starts tonight. Odd I know that one series has played 2 games before the other series has played 1, but that’s the NBA for you.
So, the NBA used to be the biggest back in the early to mid 90′s, which was the Jordan (not me, but Michael Jordan – I can understand your confusion) era. The NBA eventually lost traction after that crew retired and was turned over to Kobe Bryant, Allen Iverson, Tracy McGrady, and a mess of players that have been uniformly called selfish. During that period of time, the New York Knicks were absolutely revolting to watch or even think about. But long story short, the NBA is in an uptick as far as popularity with Lebron James, Kevin Durant, Carmelo coming to the Knicks, and people just coming to their senses.
Apart of this popularity means celebrities in the crowd and celebrities in the crowd means people (Sports Illustrated dot com – http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/nba/photos/1304/nba-playoff-celebrity-fans/ ) taking awkward pictures of them and awkward pictures of celebrities means funny jokes from me… you’re welcome!
Awwww – they color coordinated for the game!
I used to like Jason Sudeikis, but I’ve got severe mixed feelings about him now. He can be funny. At the same time, he’s also the voice of the Outback Steakhouse ads, so when I hear his voice I think of Outback and Outback makes me think of bloomin’ onion style messy diarrhea, which means I’ve been having some Pavlovian dump sweats when I hear Jason Sudeikis’ voice recently.
On the other hand, why am I talking about that when there’s Olivia Wilde’s boobs in this picture? I don’t know. Olivia Wilde is a mystery. She’s very beautiful and I feel like she has a really good acting movie in her. There’s also this thing where sometimes she looks like she weighs 80 pounds soaking wet and other times it looks like she’s got a nice pair of boobs. So, there’s that. And her last name is Cockburn, not Wilde, and that’s amazing.
You know, I would’ve guessed that Sting didn’t know how to clap his hands properly.
Is Jason Bateman remaking Teen Wolf 2?
Is that Felicity Huffman in the foreground and Edie Falco in the background?
Will Arnett is gangster.
Black on black on black on black on black forever. Also, are him and Bateman having a tiff? Why are they not sitting together?
Meh. No one cares.
Look at that chick wanting a fucking hole through your soul.
Blue Man Group aside, I really hope that chick is not a plant and this is just how she reacts when she sees someone taking a picture with or with not three bald and blue guys next to her. She looks to made-up to be real.
Edie Falco busting some major ass.
I do like that Willy is representing the Philly 76ers even though he is in Miami and rooting for Lebron.
Meanwhile, I’ve got no clue what the Hell is going on with his son’s shirt. Is his shirt from The Matrix? Is his shirt THE Matrix? It’s weird regardless. Also, you’re supposed to wear the colors of the team to these games and so far a lot of these celebs including Jaden are not doing that right. Miami is white, you’re in the complete opposite of that.
What’s more concerning in this picture – the guy hardcore thugging it behind Margaritaville or the hippie texting? Meh, I don’t know.
Did you know that Harrison Ford has an earring because of Jimmy Buffet? Doesn’t that make you hate Harrison Ford?
SI.com is telling me these two are from Kings of Leon and I would have absolutely no idea who they are if they didn’t do that. I would legitimately think that a picture of two dudes ended up in this gallery accidentally. I could have walked passed these two a million times and never think anything… well, I would think the dude with the beard looks like a roommate I had once in college, but that’s about it. Wouldn’t have thought these two were part of the brains behind YOU’RE SEX IS ON FIIIIIIRRRREEEE!!!!
Rick Ross is so gentle. Rick is also holding Udonis’ hand like he’s a blind.
And that kid looks like he is freaking out.
Floyd Mayweather is so rich and polarizing that all he hangs out with are white collar Jews he has on his payroll.
John McEnroe is having an acid flashback.
Josh Groban? Wouldn’t have noticed him if the website didn’t mention him. Whatever him and his boyfriend next to him are looking at on the jumbo screen appears to be very enjoyable judging by their faces.
What the fuck is going on here?
That’s what I’m thinking and that’s what Andrew Garfield is thinking. Not only is he thoroughly confused watching his first game of basketball, but he’s wondering why a guy that has been in a wildly successful movie and is apparently dating the lovely Emma Stone is still a loser enough to be going to a mandatory movie studio forced public appearance by himself. The girl next to him looks thoroughly unamused that she’s sitting next to this 15 year old man boy. And, the guy next to Andrew has burped the alphabet 4x since the start of the game.
Is Emmy Rossum a mannequin when she’s not showing her boobs on “Shameless”?
It looks like she’s trying to stay as still as possible as if she is worried the New Yorkers around her will smell her fear and pounce like grizzly bears. Also, I think that kid is about grab Emmy’s wrist to check if she has a pulse. He’s a smart kid.
I’m not for or against Rihanna going to Brooklyn Nets games completely naked except for those ridiculous shoes. Doesn’t she look like she’s naked?
Also, isn’t she fucking J.R. Smith from the Knicks? Why is she at a Nets game? Oh, Rihanna.
I think Jason “Outback” or “Steakhouse” Sudeikis is wearing the same outfit except for a different pair of shoes. Actually, upon closer inspection I believe that is a nearly identical hat, but a little darker. What’s going on in Sudeikis’ closet?
Is Olivia in the white shirt next to Sudeikis? If that’s the case, what the eff is this photographer doing not getting her into the picture?
As for Zach… Zatch… I love him.
That is all.
Whoopi looks like Tracy Morgan playing Whoopi.
Or Kenan Thompson.
Also, that’s Christine Taylor next to Whoop.
Katie Couric has got some legs on her.
Remember when we saw her butthole or I mean inside her butthole?
That would be amazing if that’s what they were showing on the jumbo screen at that very moment.
Also, Katie is 56… 4 more years!
Of course, Rainn Wilson would root for the Clippers.
I’m not surprised. If there was anything “indie” in Los Angeles it would have to be the Clippers.
Seriously… DOCTOR HUGO STRANGE.
What a genuinely boyish and good looking male.
I feel like the guy next to him has no clue what the score is as he’s contemplating how gay he can allow his brain to get thinking about Zac before he has to make some new life choices or possibly leave the arena.
It’s like this guy is shrugging as to say, “I don’t know who the fuck I am, either.”
Is this guy legitimately famous? Even reading his name didn’t help.
Flea reminds me of Robin Williams. Am I the only one on that?
Also, him and Kieds don’t sit together?
He’s probably going through dementia as this point.
A mix of his age and all the drugs he’s kept himself on for the past 40-50 years, his brain has got to be mush. Like overcooked Bazmati rice.
This guy who a very large percentage of the 18-40 population would leave their significant other for in a heart beat. I’m talking gay men and straight women. This is that guy.
Kind of disturbing.
I also watched his movie “Premium Rush” the other day because I hate myself and it was fucking awful as one would expect. On top of that, they have Jamie Chung playing an off the boat Chinese girl with an absurd broken English accent. They should’ve got Jessica Biel and taped her eyes slanty and had her mispronounce all L’s as R’s and it would’ve been less offensive. Maybe even throw a bow or two after each sentence.
Little known fact about Ryan Seacrest – he wakes up every morning and grades his looks on a scale from Pat Sajak to Zac Efron.
I think we’re all being violated by Jake Gyllenhaal.
It’s a mix of him wearing a black hat, his dark but prominent stare, his grungy looking clothing, and that he has both hands tucked away in his crotch.
Diddy is also so rich he only hangs out with Jews.
Everything about this picture is a bad look for Kevin Kline.
One of the most popular stand-up comedians meeting the most brilliant comedic actor of his generation.
Can you believe how lucky we were at one time to have had Will Smith playing the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Jaleel White playing Steve Urkel AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME?
I think Jesse Eisenberg just caught a glimpse of the unseemly pack of weirdo aliens surrounding him and how he is in danger of them trying to impregnate him with one of their species’ babies.
Am I the only one thinking the guy next to him is pure evil, the guy in front of him is also a villain, and the things behind Jesse is not from this planet?
Who the Hell do you think is that old white man sitting between Justin Tuck and Michael Strahan?
Also, for some reason, I feel like they’re at a taping of Dr. Phil and not a basketball game.
I want that sweater.
Was Michael J. Fox’s wife at all involved in the baby making process of this son?
He looks IDENTICAL to his dad. Honestly, I don’t even think it is his son and more likely a clone or an understudy who has gone to great lengths to look exactly like MJF.
And, is this the kid they wanted to keep away from Taylor Swift? In your dreams, kid.
New York Yankees designated hitter Billy Crystal, everyone.
Does anyone remember that? That was without a doubt one of the stupidest things I’ve seen in professional sports and specifically professional baseball and I’ve seen a lot of stupid things.
Is that Guy Fieri?
Nah, couldn’t be. He has all those tattoos. Or are those tattoos only for the TV show?
Next time you feel like an idiot out in public, think about these pictures. Celebrities look like idiots too when they’re out in public, so you’re in good company.
May 21, 2013
I think the title speaks for itself.
I made reference to the “List of Men Over 60 Years Old I Think Women Would F@#K” and by “F@#K” I meant have vaginal intercourse with. It is easily one of the seminal and decrepit semen filled lists of our collective time.
And, I thought I would take a look at who is turning 60 this year as an arbitrary and possible update to the list. Every year more and more men turn 60 years old. Maybe not more than the year before, but there is always another batch of 60 year old men you could catch a batch of no doubt infertile baby batter from.
We can debate this to the end of time, who is or is not still fuckable? And I’m ready to help with a list of men who are turning 60 in 2013 – mostly actors – that could very well still GET IT. You know… like catching some strange ____ on their greased up _____ .
Before I get to that, do we call old people “bluebirds”? I feel like we should.
Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for a better guy to be turning 60 for me to write about this list again. WE JUST WATCHED HIM HAVE SEX! I mean that’s something else right there. If you’re thinking about banging a guy – which you are – and you’re curious about what you’re getting yourself into then OF COURSE it would be your best option to watch their unofficial sextape. AM I RIGHT?!
Well, for one, we know that Hulk is not just an affectionate term about his enormous steroid addled biceps. ALSO, you now know that the steroids didn’t shrivel any of the python in his pants. What I’m saying is Hulk is packing a Hulk dong. So, I guess that’s great. I mean I can’t think of anything a woman would want more than a 60 year old man’s erect penis and for it to be enormous.
As far as his loving skills, well, we know that he’s still up to the task even if he’s eaten way too much Mexican food only minutes earlier. That’s a plus I think. He’s always up to perform seemingly.
James Bond, right? I mean it’s probably the same having sex with him now than just shy of 20 years ago when he was Bond. It’s probably the exact same minus Pierce wearing an extra amount of cologne to hide his old man’s skin smell. But I bet he can work himself into that unnatural oily Irish tan of his.
Just imagine Pierce inside you, his member piercing into your open vagina while running his fingers through your hair and reciting everyone’s favorite quotes from Dante’s Peak. Magical.
Definitely not for everyone, but I think that’s always been his thing.
I’ll tell you what, if you were willing to have sex with John Malkovich in the mid to late 90′s then you should be still down for it now. I mean he looks pretty similar ever since he shaved it all off… up top. I don’t know what’s going on down below. I’d say 50/50 shot he’s as bald as an eagle or got a mini afro down there. Who is to say… possibly you if you’re into having sex with James Carville’s more handsome brother.
Great voice. Another Irishman. He’s got a full head of hair, a strong chin, penetrating eyes, and I would imagine he smells of leather and Fall spice. Like an Autumn Yankee Candle that’s been left in the care of a Harley Davidson clothing store. That’s sexy, right?
I mean… you’d probably have to be a HUGE fan of “Monk”.
A big fan of “Home Improvement” and I assume you’re watching “Last Man Standing” and just thinking to yourself over and over again how lucky that bitch Nancy Travis is.
I saw Tim Allen once in person. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a button down shirt that seemed to be made by Affliction like there were crosses and skulls on it. His hair also seemed to have frosted tips. How wet does that get you?!
I’m sure Jim cleans up in Brooklyn.
Outside of Brooklyn? Not so much.
Seriously, I think he’s quite the catch. Tall, working actor, kind of looks the same always. So, if you’ve been into getting David Morse into you at anytime over the past 20 years then he’s still a perfectly viable sexual candidate. I mean minus the fact that he’s been married for 31 years.
Actually, that’s perfect. After 31 years of marriage, they’re probably good and ready for a threesome.
Who are you kidding? If Bill can still nail that Independence Day speech – which I bet he can – you’d be fucking him for not only America, but for all mankind faster than you can say “nuke the bastards”.
I’m not sure anyone really WANTS to have sex with Ron Jeremy, but plenty will.
You’re probably a Trekkie and, specifically, a NEXT GENERATION Trekkie who wants Colm Meany’s DEEP in your SPACE … something NINE. I mean I guess I could have said that Colm has a 9 incher, but I’m not about false advertising. I provide facts and facts only.
I’ve heard he’s the second most generous lover from the “Con-Air” cast. Only second to John Malkovich. John Cusack? Not so generous.
You know?! The guy from CSI.
Eh, someone would fuck him.
I know he’s gay, but that only makes him that much more fuckable.
Women would and I would easily guess have tried to fuck Tim Gunn as an unbalanced trade for fashion tips or at the very least a card of a dressmaker.
TOTALLY! You know it. I know it. There are a lot of women who would take Mike’s bolt.
Chuck is for a specific type, but I think biker chicks is a sub-genre that we shouldn’t look passed.
Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman
As I was just saying… there are some hard looking women out there that would go to work on Dog.
There are women out there that would fuck the shit out of Ken Burns’ Asian school boy haircut.
He would take wonderful black and white stills of the sex and then pan over them and narrate the action. It would be magnificent.
Eh, I guess.
I haven’t found Dennis Miller funny in 15 years? 18 years? It’s been awhile. I used to watch his HBO show when I was a kid. I think I liked it because he made fun of people and cursed and he rambled and ranted like he knew what he was talking about. Also, he laughs at his own jokes almost more than the crowd does, but you know how you laugh when other people laugh.
Anyway, he still looks like Dennis Miller from a decade ago, so if you liked how he looked then…
If you play bass then I’m guessing there’s a solid chance you’d let Slytherin wizard Geddy Lee get in there.
I throw West in there because I’m a huge fan of a lot of his works.
I don’t really think anyone finds him sexually attractive. I’ll be honest about that.
He’s remarkably crazy looking. He looks more like a Charlie Chan character or a Halloween costume than anything else.
He is brilliant or can be brilliant – but he looks like the love child of David Letterman and a werewolf.
In conclusion, you’re spank bank is full, right?
Howdee, cowgirls and reverse cowgirls!
Before we get to Mad Men or the rest of the TV shows I watched Sunday night…
The Billboard Music Awards were last night and while they do technically have a “blue carpet” for the celebrities to walk out on and show off their butts on, there is a good chance it is speckled in red… BLOOD! The BLOOD of the PEOPLE who ATTENDED the EVENT!
Somewhere between Madonna’s pretentious speech as if anyone has cared for a second what she’s thought this millennium and Kid Rock patting himself on the back about not lip-synching and Justin Bieber getting booed… MIGUEL SNAPPED and ATTACKED THE AUDIENCE with LUCHA LIBRE GUILLOTINE LEG DROPS!
Unbelievable! Whatever is going on in this gif outside of seemingly attempted 3rd degree murder, it was better than half of the TV I watched last night.
Explanations for what is happening here with Miguel:
1. Miguel completely overestimated how far and how high he can fly because of R. Kelly.
2. The friction of the public’s hands slapping against Miguel’s crotch slowed and changed his trajectory.
3. Miguel’s skinny jeans got vindictive and forced him into the possible lawsuit inducing crash landing.
4. Miguel hated that bitch and was on a mission to end her life via a professional wrestling move, seemingly, former member of the tag team the New Age Outlaws, Bad Ass Billy Gunn’s finisher the FameAsser.
And in honor of B.A. Billy Gunn, I’VE GOT TWO WORDS FOR “MAD MEN”!
Game of Thrones was ok last night. I wasn’t too into that episode. Mostly because of the casting choice for Daario. And, really all of those sellsword guys. “British Barbarian” is not a thing. If you’re going to have an British accent that sounds akin to Hugh Grant’s then you have trouble passing as an uneducated viking who rapes and pillages for the highest bidder. But Daario’s look and voice both sucked. Daario is supposed to look like Khal Drogo but sweeter and I guess you could argue that this guy does, but he also doesn’t look like a bad ass. He looked like there was a higher percentage chance he would give his enemies pedicures to death than actually strike them with a sword. And his voice was super creepy and sounded like it had been overdubbed. Anyway… did not like him.
I also don’t like the casting of Gendry at all. Melisandre is OK to a degree. It might be the costume department’s fault more than anything because the woman is supposed to be a sex goddess and she walks around in an over-sized stuffy bathrobe. Stannis is supposed to have long hair and look colder – like meaner. Davos is cast well. But the best part of the episode being the sex/blood-letting part of the episode felt super marred by the odd casting choices.
“VEEP” IS THE BEST SHOW ON TV! I have no doubt that “Arrested Development” will completely out do the hype behind it’s new season on Netflix later this month, but I will say that “Veep” is giving it a run for its money. AD is the best, but Veep is getting there. I don’t know why people are not watching it with the same fervor they’ve watched other shows and I’m specifically thinking of people who loved ”30 Rock”. Female centric show with a cast of characters around her built around their topsy turvy job. I will say this without a second of hesitation – it’s better than 30 Rock ever was. The funniest moments on 30 Rock came from Dean Winters to begin with. WATCH “VEEP”!
The Family Tree was fucking funny last night. I had just told a friend on Saturday night that I wasn’t into the first episode, but I do hate origin stories, so I thought it could have promise. And the fucking episode nailed that prophecy. Last night’s episode had me crying with laughter twice. I’m really looking forward to the rest of the show’s season. As for origin stories, it’s that 99% of the time they feel clumsy and forced… and usually you already know it going into the movie or TV show because it’s been advertised. Books are similar as well considering you have the origin story summarized on usually the back or the jacket and then you need to sit through 100 pages of origin before you get into the actual book. Either way, last night’s episode was excellent.
MAD MEN sucked. Minus the song and (tap) dance routine from Ken Cosgrove – the rest of the episode was pretty stupid. Specifically, anything that had to do with Don and/or his progeny. The stuff with Don being all strung out for the first time for one lady’s poon because she’s got a beauty mark similar to the beauty mark having prostitute who deflowered Don when he grew up during Civil War times was stupid. All of that was stupid. All the flashbacks were stupid, all the everything with Don was stupid. Then there was the robbery…
After a few un-needed scenes of everyone staring at the naked legs of 13 year old Sally Draper, they had Sally get robbed by Mrs. Buttersworth while wearing lingerie. Sally was wearing the lingerie; not Mrs. Buttersworth. This was without a doubt the worst series of scenes ever done by Mad Men coming hot off the tails of the worst scenes they have ever done with Betty earlier in the season cooking stew for squatters in New York City trying to find some girl who ran away that we had never previously met. Oh yeah, and there was that time when Betty said that her husband should have sex with that girl while she held her down moments prior.
Whatever Mad Men was supposed to be, it got sidetracked from. Immediately. The first season is nothing like the following seasons… except for this season and that’s why they need to stop. The first season was the worst and this season is the worst. The middle seasonS were better in many aspects, but their negatives are that it’s kind of the same song and dance as Teflon Don has sex with whoever he wants, gets away with it, moves on, and blah blah blah. This season they’re trying to get back to the show’s roots of shitty flashbacks about Don’s childhood which no one cares about. This season has also been more Don centric and they have no idea what they want to do with him.
Last night’s episode felt so much like The Sopranos where a show that was good at one time has created characters they really don’t want to change out of fear and have instead retreated to whatever this slop is that is on TV. It was stupid.
So, Miguel killed someone at the Billboard Music Awards. Instead of rehashing that… let’s show some pictures and quickly criticize them…
CELEBRITY BLUE CARPET: LIGHTNING ROUND!
That’s very nice Selena, you look very Miami.
Now, can we see your butt?
WHY THANK YOU!
Honestly, we need to start doing that in our own lives. If you’re taking pictures of your friends when you’re out or having a party or at a wedding or something… get the front normal shot and then make them do the over the shoulder sly looking shot that is really just a glorified ass shot.
Seriously, if someone in Hollywood wasn’t already thinking about casting a Jennifer Lopez as Selena Gomez’s MILF mom then I think they just had the idea incepted after seeing those back-to-back pictures. It would be pretty perfect…
Obviously, J. Lo is a single mom/divorced mom/widow or something. And Selena is trying to get her mom hooked up with some new guy. She transforms her mom with her mom knowing back into the scantily clad 40+ year old women J. Lo is showing us in this picture.
She is crazy. And, according to Maxim, the hottest chick alive or this year or alive or something.
I sometimes forget that she was Hannah Montana and then I remember that and I think about how much being a mega famous kid must fuck with your fucking brain so much. Kids are nuts to begin with… add in mega famousness.
Taylor Swift looks like a sexy robot here. Very metallic. I think there are two ideas circulating (or in my head) about what Taylor Swift is like:
1. A live-action Disney Princess who when she gets emotional (which is all the time) she actually breaks into song and talks to animals.
2. Robot with piercing cat eyes who is actually overcompensating for how unemotional she is.
Either way, Taylor Swift’s dress needs to be about 12 inches shorter if it were to compare to either Sally Draper or Megan from Mad Men’s outfits last night.
Chris Brown is legitimately crazy.
He is an actual crazy person.
This is what a crazy person looks like.
If you are looking at this picture – whether you know or don’t know who Chris Brown is – and you do not recognize that this is a crazy person then you should head to your doctor and get checked for Asperger’s or Autism or both or something stronger.
Kelly Rowland always looks great.
I think she generally would look great, but I really think it’s the chip on her shoulder about how Beyonce became BEYONCE!!!!!!! and Kelly is just Kelly.
I don’t know who Kelly’s stylist is, but she does a much better job than whomever is Kelly’s songwriter.
Speaking as an obscenely pale individual, Carly Rae Jepsen is frighteningly pale.
Either she’s a vampire or Canadian or a Canadian vampire… she’s as white as the background!
Also, is she still famous?
Nicki Minaj is also a crazy person. You should be able to recognize that as well.
It’s not that Nicki doesn’t want to be at this awards show, it’s that she doesn’t know where she is nor why she’s doing what she’s doing, but she knows that she has to show off the dress that someone else physically dressed her in without her say so.
I do not know who Jennifer Nettles is, but check out the Nettles on her! AM I RIGHT?!
Wooooo, I bet those boobs sing so well.
If I could do that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind mind erasing technique on my future, it would be to never see these two or hear anything about them or from them for the rest of my life.
I didn’t realize that was Shania Twain.
I did think it was a sexy lady auditioning for the role of Hera in the next Clash of the Titans movie.
This is why I don’t watch these shows.
It’s also a good reason for us to fire whoever is at fault for anything related to this happening.
If I had never seen these three idiots before then it would take a lot of convincing on someone’s part to get me to not think that was Horatio Sanz, Andy Samberg, and some chick performing an elaborate prank on the Billboard Music show.
Not to sound cruel, but it doesn’t even matter who this woman is… she’s giving us boobs and a dog and that’s really more than enough.
Not to say it’s impossible or anything for these two to have a normal kid, but there are many beloved celebrities who have really shitty kids and these two are far from beloved, so… it could get really bad really early.
If we were ever wondering who would fair better between Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy, I think it’s pretty clear it will be and already is Jenny.
Pamela’s a few years older than Jenny, but I think Jenny has taken the prize. It will need to be an extremely rough next few years for Jenny to lose this lead on Pam.
I’d watch a TV show based on this picture.
I would easily watch a full season of television based on this picture of David Guetta and Akon rather than anything that NBC, CBS, and/or ABC is bringing new to their networks.
I don’t know who this is… I also don’t think that qualifies as actual clothing.
Are we now classifying Frederick’s of Hollywood as a “clothing store”? I’m pretty sure anything piece of “clothing” that is expected to get cum stains on it is really not appropriate attire for the outside world.
I do and don’t know who Ariana Grande is.
I do know that guys on internet forums lust after her and make endless amount of gifs of her. I also know that she’s on a kids TV show whose writers miraculous figure out a way to not so subtlety sexualize her more so than Alison Brie is on Community.
I think she’s on Victoria Justice’s show, but I’m not exactly sure of that. I have no idea what the plot of these shows are, but there are about a million gifs from a million different episodes of whatever show she’s on where she is wearing Daisy Duke shorts and a tank top and she’s being hosed down with water, cream, and/or a goo. Also, there’s another billion gifs of her eating lollipops or icepops or something that is phallic.
No idea, but G-MEN BABY! YEAH, GO GIANTS!
This guy looks like a tool.
And last but not least…
This kid who I have absolutely no idea who he is and I can only assume is the product of nepotism.
Congratulations, ride those connections, kid. Ride ‘em.
HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!
Happy day, people!
True story: last night, a young lady sang out her car window “SHOW US YOUR COCK!” around 11pm on a Thursday in Morristown, New Jersey.
I’m usually not out drinking on a Thursday, but, apparently, shit gets wild. I’m not sure if she was referring to me or the two guys I was with or to the police officer standing 15 feet from us minding his own business or was it more metaphysical and was yelling to the world and anyone who could hear her to show us your “cock” and/or that private side one only shows their lovers and to make the world their proverbial lover and to show it your cock… or she could’ve been some drunk skank looking to see some strange D.
Also, I just finished watching “The Office” series finale. It was good.
I liked “The Office” a lot and I thought it way more good episodes than bad. It stretched the idea of the original show and became something more as it was asked to. I think it did a much better job than most shows I’ve watched with its ability to continue putting out solid product and never make me question why I kept tuning into watch it. I’ll miss it, but it was time for it to go. 9 seasons is a lot and I think it did a great job filling them out.
One of the things that “The Office” succeeded at that many shows didn’t, won’t or even attempt to do is take us on a journey. A lot changed and transpired over the years on “The Office” with ups and downs and storylines evolving. There was a lot to that show. It wasn’t simply a show that created a plot for the half-hour tried to make you laugh and then move on; they tried to make it an experience and I think they succeeded wholeheartedly with that.
What the title of today’s post is referring to…
I CAN’T STOP WATCHING THIS!
It’s fucking mesmerizing.
I love you, internet.
I love you, gifs.
I love you.
May 16, 2013
Hello to all my cinnamonnies and chicharronitos,
Today, we’re going to discuss the age of the love interests throughout Scarlett Johansson’s acting career.
Let’s get the givens out of the way, this is what Scarlett Johansson looks like:
Scarlett is 28 years old and was born November 22, 1984.
Scarlett has been acting since she was like 10. And, as she’s grown up and gotten quite hot, Hollywood has seen fit to pair her with men who are disproportionately older than her. Scarlett’s not the only one in this situation with odd pairings, I remember I did a post about Marisa Tomei’s unlikely suitors in movies as well.
I know you might be thinking – didn’t this guy make a list of men and women over 60 that were fuckable? Yes, I did. And, I believe I was called crazy throughout all of it. Either way, I’m just pointing out age differences and how commonly someone who is a regular love interest in movies like Scarlett has a love interest who is usually a lot older than her.
I think it’s pretty common to watch a movie or a television show and see the heterosexual couple being prominently featured as the leads and think to yourself - she’s way too hot for him.
It happens a lot on sitcoms where the male main character is some former comic and now he’s matched up with this smokeshow and they either never address it or they spend the entire length of the show trying to explain it. A lot of “Modern Family” is spent trying to make excuses for why Sofia Vergara would be fucking and procreating with Ed O’Neil. Or other shows like “Curb Your Enthusiasm” had Cheryl Hines opposite Larry David and never addressed anything, meanwhile she gets cast a few years later on “Suburgatory” and she’s strutting around like she’s Playboy model.
Anyway, yesterday, I read that Scarlett Johansson is in talks to be apart of Jon Favreau’s new movie Chef which is lead by Robert Downey Jr. It would be an “Iron Man 2″ reunion with all three working together… it would also be a reunion of Scarlett Johansson playing a potential love interest to Robert Downey Jr.
Sure, sure, sure – age is just a number. For Scarlett and Robert, that number is 20. 20 being the amount of years that separates their ages. If you’re unfamiliar with how this works, that would mean that when Scarlett Johansson was BORN that Robert Downey Jr was filming scenes for the movie WEIRD SCIENCE.
Couple that with… I’ve also been reading a lot about the new TV shows coming this Fall. One of the TV shows that will be debuting on CBS features James Van Der Beek and Kevin Connolly who are 36 and 39 respectively. Meanwhile, their “friends” on the show will be played by three chick actresses – Majandra Delfino, Zoe Lister Jones, and Brooklyn Decker – who are 32, 31, and 26.
Friends? A 39 year old Kevin Connolly is FRIENDS with a 26 year old Brooklyn Decker? Or a 32 year old or a 31 year old? Maybe he’s playing Brooklyn’s MUCH OLDER brother. Even that would be ridiculous. How many people do you honestly know that have 13 year older sibling? I can think of a couple, but in comparison to the rest of the people I know who have siblings that’s WAY OFF. Usually, a friend or a sibling is not 13 years older and we’re usually not talking about a physical difference of Kevin Connolly and BROOKLYN DECKER.
So, back to ScarJo…
Born in 1984, remember?
Immediately, I can think of multiple people who are much older (and much less attractive) than Scarlett who played her love interest in a movie. I think one can easily do this for most if not all actresses. I think Scarlett is a pretty solid example with her fame, looks, young age, and sample size of movies.
I’ll preface this with saying that I have not see all of Scarlett’s movies, so I’m mentioning the ones I’m pretty sure to fairly positive or whatever about. You’ll see. I’m also going to do this in chronological order setting the way back machine to 2001…
THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE (2001) – BILLY BOB THORNTON
Ol’ Billy Bob (1955) was 46 years old when he got road head from a 17 year old Scarlett in this Coen Brothers movie. This was one of the first examples that came to mind. It’s her idea as well to blow him. I believe they also play the piano together.
GHOST WORLD (2001) – ?
I don’t remember Scarlett having a love interest in this, but if you do then by all means. I was pretty bored with this movie, honestly. Isn’t Thora Birch into Steve Buscemi?
EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS (2003) – ?
Never saw this, just wanted to mention it though. She may have had an appropriately aged suitor for all I know in Ghost World and this movie. I don’t remember either. She does play Kari Wuhrer’s daughter in the movie, which is actually pretty appropriate as far as attractiveness, but that would mean Kari was 17 when she had Scarlett – preggers at the prom.
LOST IN TRANSLATION (2003) – BILL MURRAY and GIOVANNI RIBISI
She’s newly married to Ribisi who is 10 years older than Scarlett, but she spends much of the movie either in her underwear sulking or chasing around the 1950 born Bill Murray. So, by that math, Bill would’ve been 53 and Scarlett 19? Yeesh. She was playing a bit older as a recently graduated philosophy major, so she’s like 22 in the movie. Some may try to argue that Bill is not a “love” interest and to those people I say – shut it.
GIRL WITH A PEARL EARRING (2003) – COLIN FIRTH
Mr. Darcy was born in 1960, so a solid 24 years older than Scarlett.
THE PERFECT SCORE (2004) – CHRIS EVANS?
I never saw this movie, but I’m attributing Chris Evans as Scarlett’s love interest. Chris is only 2 years older than Scarlett and will continue to be the most “age appropriate” and probably “looks appropriate” match for Scarlett. He is also I believe a love interest in another movie of hers that we’ll get to in a bit titled “The Nanny Diaries”. I know at the very least he takes his shirt off and I think talks about her butt if I remember correctly from the trailers. That’s close enough for a love interest, right?
A LOVE SONG FOR BOBBY LONG (2004) – GABRIEL MACHT
I’m certainly not going to try and argue that Gabriel is a good looking dude, great looking even. He actually pulls the scruff off real well in this movie. I like this movie and you don’t have to worry that the silver haired-Jabba the Hut/John Travolta is not a “love interest” for Scarlett. It is the 12 years older Gabriel who is the love interest. Scarlett would’ve been 21 and Gabes just around 33. Oddly enough, Gabriel (like Chris Evans) plays a love interest in a later movie in her career… a much much much much much worse movie.
A GOOD WOMAN (2004) – STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE
Never seen this, but judging from the description Scarlett tries to jump this guy’s bones. Stephen is actually only 5 years older than Scarlett.
IN GOOD COMPANY (2004) – TOPHER GRACE
Actually, a big fan of this movie. Probably one of my favorite movies featuring Scarlett. And, Topher is only 6 years older than Scarlett. That’s kind of apart of the storyline too with him being a married and soon-to-be-divorced man and her being in college at NYU if memory serves correctly… she’s also his co-worker’s daughter. Actually, he’s the boss of that guy. And that guy is Dennis Quaid who I could actually believe is Scarlett’s dad with the lovely Marg Helgenberger as the wife/mother – which I would also believe.
MATCH POINT (2005) – JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS
JRM which kind of sounds like “germ” is 7 years older than Scarlett. Sure, he was one of the prettiest gay faced men that could ever be cast across Scarlett, so sure Woody Allen did a decent enough job with that. Ok?
THE ISLAND (2005) – EWAN MCGREGOR
He’s an attractive guy – not debating that – just saying he’s 13 years older, which is like an 8th grader.
SCOOP (2006) – HUGH JACKMAN
Yeah, Wolverine is a good looking dude. We’re at least getting attractive men. He’s an attractive man who is 16 years older than Scarlett – that’s a kid with a driver’s permit or legally able to drive on their own in some states. I’m just pointing out that when Scarlett was 22 years old, Hugh was 38. I’m just saying.
THE BLACK DAHLIA (2006) – JOSH HARTNETT?
I didn’t see this, so I’m just guessing he’s the love interest. He’s 6 years older than ScarJo.
THE PRESTIGE (2006) – CHRISTIAN BALE
Christian is 10 years older than Scarlett. I know that Hugh Jackman originally pays for Scarlett to go to Christian. I can’t remember if they have any fornication. For the most part, Hugh is pining over Piper Perabo in that movie. Either way, Hugh is 16 years older.
THE NANNY DIARIES (2007) – CHRIS EVANS?
As I mentioned before, I think he’s the love interest. Never saw this movie. He’s 2 years older still.
THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL (2008) – ERIC BANA
Bana is 16 years older than Scarlett. Bana is also going after Natalie Portman who is 13 years younger than Bana. Actually, as far as the reality of the plot of that movie, Scarlett and Natalie are too old to play the Boleyn sisters and Bana was too young and not fat enough. But whatevs. I’ll give this movie a pass.
VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA – JAVIER BARDEM and PENELOPE CRUZ
Bardem is 15 years older and Penelope is 10 years older. I will say that this makes more sense though in terms of context. Scarlett is running around Spain and hooks up with a married couple, which in fact Bardem/Cruz are married. What I will say is that I didn’t like this movie and the lesbian scene or lack there of between Scarlett and Penelope is one of the biggest lies in pre-movie-hype history.
THE SPIRIT (2008) – GABRIEL MACHT
Still 12 years older.
HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU (2009) – BRADLEY COOPER and KEVIN CONNOLLY
Connolly was mentioned earlier and that ginger hobbit is 10 years older than Scarlett, while Bradley Cooper is 9 years older.
IRON MAN 2 (2010) – ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
They don’t do anything together and RDJ is pretty loyal to Gwyneth Paltrow as far as I remember. I think he does flirt with Scarlett, but he flirts with everybody including Jon Favreau as his bag man Happy Hogan. And she seems into him maybe more for the fact that she’s trying to recruit him to be a member of S.H.I.E.L.D. so I’ll give this a little bit of a slide, but as mentioned they will apparently be love interests with their 20 year age gap in Favreau’s “Chef”.
WE BOUGHT A ZOO (2011) – MATT DAMON
A solid 14 years older.
THE AVENGERS (2012) – JEREMY RENNER
13 years older.
HITCHCOCK (2012) – ?
DON JON (2013) – JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT
JGL is 2 years older.
So, what’s all of this mean?
Well, it could be the reason why Scarlett Johansson went crazy and started shacking up with Sean Penn who is 24 years older than her. I don’t remember when they dated, but there’s a potential chance she may have only been 24 years old when she was dating Sean Penn.
She did date Ryan Reynolds who is only 8 years older than her.
Didn’t she date Benecio Del Toro (17 years older)? WHY DOES MY BRAIN REMEMBER THIS BUT NOT OTHER THINGS?!
It seems about average for Scarlett’s male love interest to be a decade older than her.
Just thought that was interesting.
May 15, 2013
Good day, happy dancers and the other people who look sullen by the side of the dance floor who can’t bring themselves to just LET GO of their inhibitions!
Happy Hump Day to all of you! Whether you dance or not, you like to hump, am I right?
So…. this happened.
You probably have already seen that phenomenal technological breakdown of a poor restaurant owning couple on Facebook. It’s magnificent. It’s truly a work of art that belongs in a museum in huge Andy Warhol/tomato soup can sized prints and additionally local actors performing each status update in the center of the room with the episode of Kitchen Nightmares projected on a tower of TV screens. If you haven’t read it then I think you should. I’m hyping it up quite a bit.
I’m also listening to Daft Punk‘s new album right now. It’s free and streaming on iTunes. It’s interesting. I’ve seen people debating whether or not it is “disco”. It is disco. I’ll end that discussion right now… IT’S DISCO! There’s nothing wrong with that either. I think most popular music is more or less disco. Most popular songs on the radio are really just overly complicated disco songs. They follow the same formula as disco. Chick singer, singing about love, but it’s really a dance song… That’s disco. But Daft Punk is specifically more disco because I think it’s actually just trying to be disco. It’s a stripped down version of it all and shamelessly being disco. The single “Get Lucky” would’ve been an enormous disco hit if it existed back then instead of debuting like last week. I haven’t gotten through the whole album – still have 20 minutes left – but I like “Get Lucky” a lot.
So… onto the title of the post.
ABC announced it’s fall line-up. All the networks are doing it and since I spent some time on NBC the other day, I thought I’d give ABC some time as well. Which one is ABC again? That’s the peacock, right? The old peacock ABC! … hmmmm… no that’s NBC. NBC has the peacock. What’s ABC got? Well, CBS is the eternal watching eye of Sauron and FOX is known for having it’s old format of having animals attack things and now they have singing competition shows. The WB was a frog with a top hat, but turned into CW and I’ve never turned that network on again. Hmmmm… so ABC? ABC is just ABC, right? American Broadcast Company. Aren’t they all American? I guess not, right? They’re all rowdy communists and ABC is keeping it capitalist American. Fair enough… so what do they have for us this Fall?
ABC’S NEW FALL SCHEDULE
8:00 p.m. “Dancing with the Stars”
Nope. I think I’ve seen one episode of this show. I watched one of the season finales, but I’m not even sure which one it was. There have been several celebrities – usually athletes – that I’m a fan of that have been on this show and I still haven’t watched, so I doubt I’m going to start watching now. They would really need to change the format of simply ballroom dancing to more “You Got Served” style dancing. That I would watch. I would watch the Hell out of the Lachey brothers serving the Hough duo with a pair of former Pro Bowl wide receivers waiting in the wings.
I’d watch at least another episode.
10:00 p.m. “Castle”
My parents watch every network television program ever. I don’t even know how it is possible, but they do. It’s more so my dad watching them and DVRing them and my mom patiently watching them with him and her brain has been fully brain washed into thinking that some are worth continuing to watch. And this is one of the shows they watch… and my mom has actually gotten sick of it, which is saying something.
I’ve caught maybe 5 minutes of the show in total while watching the last few seconds of it on a re-run on TNT before the NBA playoffs start and it looks a lot like a less sexy “Bones”. I don’t watch “Bones”, I don’t watch “Castle”, so I won’t be flipping to ABC on Monday.
8:00 p.m. “Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”
I’ll watch at least an episode. I’m fully expecting not to like it. I have this suspicion that since I HATE all of the Marvel movies that feature the S.H.I.E.L.D. characters as regular contributors and the fact that I HATE the S.H.I.E.L.D. characters in general that I’ll probably not be into this show. As far as I’ve seen, the S.H.I.E.L.D. characters are all entirely worthless in Thor, Iron Man, Avengers, et cetera. They’re worthless characters who do nothing and now they’re getting a show. I’ll watch an episode, but I’m not guaranteeing much more than that.
9:00 p.m. “The Goldbergs”
JEWS! Who doesn’t love a good Jew, right? Hunh… Holocaust? Spanish Inquisition? The Bible? Whaaaaaaa?
Anyway, I doubt I’ll like this show. I haven’t seen a trailer, so I’m not sure. I do like Jeff Garlin, but I really enjoy Jeff Garlin on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and this is not going to be that Jeff Garlin.
9:30 p.m. “Trophy Wife”
This show looks like a repositioning of the actors from “Modern Family”. Hot blonde with hot legs, hot Hispanic chick with a chubby boy child, and a few other good looking women then a stupid white son who has a similarly sized sister who is probably smart, but we’ve lost Ed O’Neill and the funny gay couple… unless Michaela and Marcia are lesbians… hmmm… Anyway…
I don’t know. It doesn’t look that interesting. I feel like I’m going to give this Tuesday line-up a shot for at least one week and then probably give up on everyone of these shows a week or two later.
10:00 p.m. “Lucky 7”
It’s interesting because it’s a drama. I haven’t watched the trailer for this either, but it someways it sounds like the plot of “Windfall” which I never watched nor cared to and disappeared pretty quickly. It’s about a group of people working at a menial job where they win the lottery.
So, comic book sci-fi to two family comedies to ensemble drama? Random Tuesday night of TV. SO MANY FEELINGS!
8:00 p.m. “The Middle”
8:30 p.m. “Back in the Game”
Sounds like a less interesting TV show version of that Clint Eastwood movie with Amy Adams “Trouble with the Curve”. I doubt I’ll be a regular viewer.
9:00 p.m. “Modern Family”
Still a great show. It has some off weeks, but usually they’re quite good. Ty Burrell is always great and the kids have become really great as well. The show has a solid formula and strong enough characters to do many seasons to come.
9:30 p.m. “Super Fun Night”
Well… I wanted to see this show. It sounds decent enough with Rebel Wilson and her friends wanting to blow out their weekend partying to make up for having jobs during the week. I didn’t watch the trailer, but I’ve seen some talk saying that it is pretty paint-by-numbers stuff and focused a lot on making weight jokes about Rebel. Sweet. I’ll give it a watch, but if that’s the case that it is bad then I’ll probably just start DVRing “Modern Family” and watching something else entirely on Tuesdays.
10:00 p.m. “Nashville”
8:00 p.m. “Once Upon a Time in Wonderland”
9:00 p.m. “Grey’s Anatomy”
10:00 p.m. “Scandal”
YOU’RE OUT, ABC! Caught you looking, motherfucker!
So, I won’t be turning on ABC on Wednesdays.
8:00 p.m. “Last Man Standing”
8:30 p.m. “The Neighbors”
9:00 p.m. “Shark Tank”
Not a bad show, but I don’t watch it. I was watching it kind of consistently when I first started dating _dharv. I would drive up to her place on a Friday and spend the weekend. Friday was usually spent with us catching up in person at her place while Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune were on. And then “Shark Tank” would come on at 8pm. We would usually catch some of it before going out and eating at a bar and then seeing a movie. Simpler times, am I right?
We actually tried to go see “The Great Gatsby” last night, but got REJECTED. First time that happened in awhile. Apparently, the 8:10 2D showing was what everyone was aiming for and we didn’t expect that. Whatevs. Better luck next week.
10:00 p.m. “20/20”
Haven’t watched “20/20″ in years. My parents used to watch it all the time and thus my childhood was spent watching it. All I have to say about that is…
FUCK YOU, JOHN STOSSEL! I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL!
8:00 p.m. “Saturday Night College Football”
7:00 p.m. “America’s Funniest Home Videos”
8:00 p.m. “Once Upon a Time”
9:00 p.m. “Revenge”
Monday is 0 time. Tuesday is a possible 3 hours the first week and a possible 0 hours from then on. Wednesday is a guaranteed half hour with an additional half hour the first week and possibly never again. Thursday and Friday are big fat ZEROES. Saturday is a possible if I for whatever reason feel the need to watch college football on a Saturday night, which happens like once a year. And Sunday is a NOPE.
The grand total of time is????????
4 fours of television watching the first week…
1/2 hour of guaranteed television watching the following week…
I was honestly expecting a lot more than that.
Seriously? A half-hour and you’re ABC?! Fucking unbelievable.
ABC is in 4th place right now and has been for the past year and a half or so. They cancelled the best show they had which was “Happy Endings” and I was a fan of “Don’t Trust the B- in Apartment 23″ and I did watch “Cougartown” for a period of time. I get that “Suburgatory” will be around whenever it is scheduled to come back, but wowzers. A half-hour? That’s it.
So, are you more or less than a half-hour of TV watching on ABC?