Again, you somehow made it. You somehow made it to the end of this week without succumbing to the world’s chaos and/or eating yourself into a coma on pancakes and syrup. It’s difficult to make it through each week when both of those options are readily available to us at all times. We have the freedom to chose to eat pancakes until our untimely demise and seriously that option plagues me every waking second of my life. I imagine it does for you as well. I can think of 10 places within 3 miles of where I’m sitting that makes pancakes and a couple of them are open almost 24 hours a day. So it’s a struggle.

Either way, we made it. We made it together. We are survivors!

Anyway… I’m not sure what I’m talking about anymore or what to talk about anymore.

I feel like the weeks news is non-existent. What is happening anymore?! The Republican nominee race is still going on and is still Romney’s race to lose and is still funny, but sort of crazy boring at the same time. Everyone getting so hyped on Newt was just like them getting hyped on Ron Paul or Santorum or Herman Cain or Bachmann or Pawlenty or any of the other people they got hyped on until the next week when they forgot about them and moved on to the next person. I mean for three days there before New Hampshire people were getting hyped on Jon Huntsmen and 4 months prior to that people were getting hyped on him as the guy that no one had ever heard of and in the end no one still has never heard of him. It’s a 24 hour news cycle so you fill the gaps as best you can. Oh yeah, we found an esoteric straw poll orchestrated by some .com that asked “which candidate would you vote for if you voted on likeability mixed with best hair and who you would think would be tough on Congress and enjoy watching an episode of Three’s Company?” Well, maybe Rick Perry wins there and then Wolf Blitzer does 15 hours on that and you get tricked into think Rick is even in the race or had a shot at winning the race at any point.

Seriously, there was a few week stretch in 2007 that John McCain was running against the judge from Law & Order and people honestly believed the judge had a shot. Are you people nuts?!

Anyway… that’s still happening.

It’s Friday and Friday means… not much. There are not too many new movies out there worth seeing if you’re planning on going to the theaters. There is still Haywire, which I recommend for Gina and not really for the rest of the movie. Of the new movies coming out, Man on a Ledge looks to be the best because I cannot think of anything else coming out today. So, Friday might be best served getting good and drunk until you cannot remember Friday or what happened throughout the week.

As for Saturday…

CAGE FIGHTS!!!!!!!!!

LIVE ON FOX!!!!!

AT 8PM ON THE EAST COAST AND 5PM ON THE WEST COAST AND SOMETIME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COUNTRY!!!!

There will be at the very least THREE FIGHTS LIVE AND FREE ON FOX.

The fights are…

Demian Maia vs. Chris Weidman

Middleweights! 185 pounders! Demian is a Brazilian gentleman with a good deal of experience who has previously fought for his weight class’ title. He is primarily a submission grappler with his blackbelt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu, but he has been improving his stand-up by leaps and bounds. Chris Weidman is a former NCAA Division I national champion wrestler from Hofstra University. He is young in the sport of MMA, but is undefeated and has shown amazing submission grappling in his short career. Weidman stepped up to take this fight on less than two weeks notice as Maia was originally scheduled to face someone else on this card who is in this next fight…

Chael Sonnen vs. Michael Bisping

Middleweights! Again! Two of the mouthiest dudes in the UFC will square off in a title eliminator match meaning that whoever wins will get to fight for the middleweight belt against Anderson Silva later this year. Bisping was set to face Maia, but Sonnen’s originally opponent Mark Munoz dropped out of the fight due to injury. Now it is the loud mouth Brit Bisping against the even louder mouthed American Sonnen. Bisping has an incredible record in MMA, won the Ultimate Fighter crown in season 3, and is known for his speed and kickboxing. Sonnen is a grinder, a highly decorated wrestler for the University of Oregon, and he was within in a couple of minutes of winning the belt from Anderson Silva two years ago. These two are sound bite machines and are fighting for a shot at the title, so it should be great. Also, they’re both not used to the switch in opponent, so that’s interesting as well.

And the main event…

Rashad Evans vs. Phil Davis

Light-Heavyweights! 205 pounders! Rashad has only lost once in his career at that loss cost him the UFC light-heavyweight championship that he had recently won. With a win over Phil Davis, Rashad will get another title shot against the current champion Jon Jones who he has legitimate beef with as they used to be friends/training partners. Rashad is a former collegiate wrestler out of Michigan State, but his best skill in MMA is his powerful strikes. He has earned knockouts with his fists, feet, knees and so forth. As for Phil Davis, he is a former NCAA Division I national champion wrestler from Penn State University who has quickly gone 9-0 in MMA and has shown wild abilities for a fighter so young in his career. He is big, strong, athletic and a win over Rashad would be monumental. It is not guaranteed that if Phil wins he will get to fight Jon Jones, but depending on how he wins he might get that shot. Either way, if Davis wins then he is not far from a title shot at all.

…

I’m fucking PSYCHED!!!!!

The fights are in Chicago at the United Center where the Bulls play and all that good stuff.

…

What else?

That was your Saturday night – drinking, eating, boner poking and CAGEFIGHTS.

As for Sunday… I’m legitimately planning on getting the ROYAL RUMBLE on PPV.

I always loved the Royal Rumble and with no football until next week, I will be entertainment-less come Sunday evening.

I’m planning on getting it. I haven’t watched a WWE PPV in at least a year. I had gotten the past two Wrestlemania’s before that. The ones highlighted by Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker’s match.

With the UFC fights on for free, I may be spending some bucks on the WWE this weekend.

…

What else?

Well, there was this I saw…

Kristen Stewart wants IT.

It also looks like she GOT IT in this picture.

Like she GOT IT like a couple seconds ago and now she’s reveling in it.

Either way, wants IT and gots IT … that chick is doing something with IT.

I hope you have a great weekend.

I love you, long time.

I’m kind of having a writer’s block moment because I haven’t at all thought about what I want to write about today. Some days I have things prepared and some days I wake up expecting the internet to provide for me something to rant and rave about. Today, I woke up with no previous issue I felt like discussing and the internet is as bland as ever. By “bland” I mean all the wild shit happened yesterday and I feel like I’m treading on well-worn territory because if I’ve seen it on the interweb then I believe you’ve seen it on the interweb. That’s really how it goes. I’m purely subjective in that regard. If I’ve seen it, you’ve seen it and if it is a day old then it’s shit to me. But that all changes today.

Today’s post will be about two things I’m guessing you have already seen…

The first is… an optical illusion…

And the directions are as follows…

1. Stare at the red dot on the woman’s nose for 30 seconds.

2. Turn your eyes to a plain surface (your ceiling or blank wall).

3. Blink repeatedly and quickly!

Did it work?!

BEYONCE GHOSTS ARE HAUNTING ME!

This is what Blue Ivy or Ivy Blue’s life must be like. Blink your eyes and there’s Beyonce. Blink again and there she is again.

I enjoyed this optical illusion mostly because it worked. Sure, Beyonce is an attractive frappucino, but I can/do look at Beyonce pictures without needing to do all this staring and blinking nonsense. Some optical illusions never work for me. My eyes will not do what the directions tell me to have them do. I will emphatically affirm…

I, Jordan Newmark, have never successfully saw anything in a Magic Eye picture. Never. Not once.

Do you know how frustrating that was? Especially, during the time period I grew up in. I mean there are things that I would love to change if given a second chance at this life with the help of the almighty. First – I would never see a single horror movie ever. What was the point in all those sleepless nights? Seriously?! They weren’t even good movies. Second – get laid in high school. That would have been nice. I’m just saying. Third – Seeing one fucking Magic Eye rocket ship or rocking horse or black lab puppy or whatever the fuck I was supposed to see in that mess of zig zag colored lines. From like 1st through 5th grade there wasn’t a week I was alive where I didn’t run across a Magic Eye and at no point did I even see half an arm of a cowboy or a wheel of a school bus. Literally, it was a maddening experience that brought about the earliest onset of cynicism and a well-known feeling of disappointment in my ownself as well as life in general. I don’t see a shoe! You see a shoe?! All I see is a Frank Zappa tripping balls designed wallpaper and I’m furious about it.

I was good at finding Waldo. Not like championship level good, but I found him.

Outside of that, what else is there?

Miley Cyrus drunk as shit vulgarly pantomiming the fellation of a big black cock cake.

Sounds about right.

If you could avert your eyes from the sweet tea vodka soaked open mouth of Miley for a moment – you’ll notice that below the cake says “Happy Birthday Liam”. And you guessed it, Liam is not a nickname for Miley. Liam is actually referring to Liam Hemsworth the young actor who will appear in Hunger Games and is currently dating the Lady Cyrus.

Can we get a better and more awful looking shot?

Yeah, she’s a keeper.

Apparently, Hemsworth is from Australia and that is a continent island full of crazy people, but even they have to be a little disturbed by Miley. Besides Miley who is seriously about one second from performing the best rim job on a cake ever for an AVN award, the chunk of cake missing out of the BBC’s head is disturbing. It’s as if this BBC was riddled with staph infection and it is attacking its fireman’s helmet first, which is absolutely a nightmare of mine. Also, I would like to note that this cake appears to be circumcised. I too am circumcised and in all honesty couldn’t be happier about it. I have never handled an uncircumcised penis myself, but from what I’ve seen it looks… disgusting. If your penis could look “retarded” then an uncircumcised penis looks retarded. I’m just saying given the option between having bananas that are always and forever peeled for you to having to always having to peel a greasy banana – well, I think that the decision is obvious. Have a happy lunch on that one.

From Liam’s perspective, I bet this was the first time some of his friends were meeting Miley.

I mean Liam is a famous guy in some circles (little girls), but Miley Cyrus is crazy famous and I would doubt people haven’t heard her name for good and/or bad reasons.

So…

Liam? Is your girlfriend here? I haven’t met her yet. I don’t even know if I’ve ever met a celebrity as famous as Miley Cyrus.

Yes, she’s here. She’s actually right there…

Oh. Hi! I’m Liam’s friend from grade school. We grew up together.

I don’t think she can hear you over the dubstepped version of Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”.

Right. She’s cute. Does she always have her finger in her mouth?

Not always, but it’s often enough that I could see how you could get that mistaken.

Where’s she going?

Oh. To get a drink.

She loves to drink.

It’s an awfully big drink.

She loves to drink awfully big drinks.

That’s fun sometimes.

Yeah, sometimes.

She seems to be taking that drink straight down all by herself.

Yeah, she’s pretty good at that.

High tolerance?

Not really.

But she can handle herself pretty well when she’s drinking that much?

Not really.

What could possibly happ-

AHHHHH!!!!! THAT’S MY NIGHTMARE!!!! IT HAS COME ALIVE IN FRONT OF MY VERY EYES!!!! MY PENIS RAVAGED BY DISEASE AND A DRUNK POP SINGER THREATENING TO CASTRATE ME WITH A SERVING KNIFE!!!! WHY LORD HAVE YOU MADE THIS A REALITY?!!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO CHANGE AND I WILL DO IT!!! ANYTHING, BUT MORE OF THIS SWEET MERCIFUL YET DEEPLY DISTURBED LORD!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!

I should probably step in and get that knife from her.

Yeah, sorry about freaking out there, but yes you should.

- end scene -

Well, I think that about wraps it up for today.

My work is done.

And by “hump on”, I mean drinking Keurig coffee and typing up hilarious movie previews for a bunch of anonymous page clickers. So basically every week day I’m getting my “hump on”. Either way, Happy Hump Day. Hump something or someone.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUKC UFKC FUKCUADKFUCK ASDFUKCUFKCUFKFDSUAFASDFASDFasd]f

I wrote this whole fucking post of 2500 some odd words and fucking WordPress dicked me over and logged me out and never saved any of it and now it is all gone. The only thing it saved was that hump day shit up there and the posters. I fucking hate hate hate this fucking site.

I fucking hate people forever now. Now you’ll get an express version of this bullshit.

FUCK!!!!!!!

THE VOW

50 First Dates?! AGAIN?!!!!

Not seeing this.

THIS MEANS WAR

Not sold on Reese Witherspoon anymore. She’s a step up from Jen Aniston, but would rather have Rachel McAdams in this role. I am looking forward to the movie because it does look pretty fun. I have my fingers crossed that the conclusion of the movie will be a staring contest during a Devil’s threeway and whoever blinks first loses.

They should remake this movie next year with Channing Tatum as the Reese Witherspoon role and that right there is your Oscar for Slash fan fic. Plus I think Tom Hardy may be more into chasing around Channing than Reese.

GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE

Are you kidding me? I can’t believe they actually went on and made this movie. If you see this movie in theaters then we’re not friends anymore.

THE SECRET WORLD OF ARRIETTY

If you like Howl’s Moving Castle or Spirited Away then see this movie. If not then don’t because it is the exact same movie as those two.

If you’ve never seen any of those movies or the other movies from this director then see Princess Mononoke because it rules and then move on.

ACT OF VALOR

Interesting twist on things have real Navy Seals play Navy Seals instead of hiring mediocre actors like Carlos Estevez aka Chuck Sheen to play them. This movie should’ve come out in November alongside Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 and Battlefield 3 and it would have been a huge success. Back then all the 18-34 dudes were in a never ending cycle of playing the game, eating pizza, masturbating, playing the game, eating pizza, masturbating and if this movie was in theaters they would’ve hit the pause button for 90 minutes to see it. It won’t do near the business now than it would have in the second week of November. But I’ll still see it.

GONE

This looks terrible. Do you like Kiss the Girls? Do you want to see a horrible version of Kiss the Girls? Then you got your wish.

Not seeing this.

GOOD DEEDS

Whether Tyler Perry is dressed as himself or an angry black grandmother, if you haven’t seen his other movies why would you see this? It’s pretty clear cut who watches Perry stuff and who doesn’t at this point and if you do then you have another movie to see and if you don’t then you can not see this one as well.

Not seeing this.

WANDERLUST

It doesn’t look too good, but I’ve got free time on my hands and I’m usually drunk during that free time, so I’ll probably end up seeing this. I’m hoping for Ken Marino to have a lot of screen time and that Malin Akerman takes her top off again. Please Lord answer my prayers.

That’s it.

Fuck Dump Month.

Fuck WordPress.

I love you for reading this.

Today, we talk of movies… but first…

PRESIDENT OBAMA’S “STATE OF THE UNION” IS TONIGHT!!!!!

I’m psyched for the “State of the Union Address” tonight. For the past 6 months we’ve been battered by the public speaking of the absolute nit wits who are running or who have been running to be the Republican Presidential nominee and future loser of the General election. I need a refresher, I need a political palate cleanser of sorts, I need Obama with his sherbert sweet words to make me re-love this fucking country again. I will be watching.

Ok… let’s move on…

Actually, for just a second… could someone PLEASE EXPLAIN why anyone in the Republican party cares what Mitt Romney’s tax returns look like? Why do any of them care about how much he is paying in taxes? Newt Gingrich said he himself paid 34% in taxes. HE IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT SO THAT HE DOESN’T HAVE TO PAY 34% TAXES AGAIN! Newt wants lower taxes for the rich! Meanwhile, Mitt is paying 15% because he pays expensive accountants to circumvent the tax system, but it is all perfectly legal. If Newt knew how to do that he would! So why does Newt need to see his taxes? Or Ron Paul?! RON PAUL WANTS US TO PAY 0% TAXES! WHAT DOES HE CARE ABOUT TAX RETURNS?! In actuality, the 15% that Romney is giving the government is 15% more than Paul would have him give. A minute or two ago, Herman Cain wanted Romney to only pay 9% taxes. If you’re voting Republican come November or in these primaries or whenever then whatever money Romney is giving the government in taxes is TOO MUCH not too little. Democrats are the ones trying to make the rich pay more on taxes, so if you’re pissed about Romney paying as little as he does then BECOME A FUCKING DEMOCRAT YOU FUCKING IDIOT! Newt isn’t trying to right that wrong! Newt wants to lower the taxes on that upper class and raise taxes on people making less than 40K, so WHAT IN THE FUCK IS ALL THIS TAX TALK ABOUT?! It is mind boggling.

Ok… let’s move on…

I just saw that the Academy Awards and/or Oscars’ nominations were released and they stink worse than the dog shit diarrhea that has been coming out of my almost 13 year old mini dachshund dog who has Cushing’s. It smells for MILES. There is really nothing to say besides 2011 was a decently shitty year for movies and the Oscar’s just made it look like an even shittier year. Holy God – whoever put together those nominations should be banned for 2 years from even watching a movie. No more movie viewing for 730 days. They suck. I hate them.

Ok… let’s move on…

FEBRUARY!!!!! We’re closing in on a new month and with a new month means new movies and here are the first half of the new movies slated for this DUMP MONTH! … … …

BIG MIRACLE

Did you not see Free Willy? I don’t know why this movie is happening. This movie is about a family saving a family of whales and somehow the Russians and America and maybe Santa Claus are going to help save these stupid whales who got themselves stuck in the Arctic circle, but we’re all moving Heaven and Earth to save them. And this is a movie? They say it was based on a true story, which is code nowadays for ANYTHING CAN BE A MOVIE. They also roped in John Krasinski into making this. I mean not to sound like Emily Blunt is a gold digger, but Lord knows John’s going to have to do a little better than whatever scratch he’s making as the now third or fourth lead of a TV show he was the second lead on a year ago. As for Drew Barrymore, she would make any movie ever especially if it is an unwatchable one. If you don’t have kids, but you’re watching this movie then you need re-evaluate your decision making process.

CHRONICLE

I’m looking forward to this movie. The trailers are kind of cheesy and the acting looks pretty cheesy, but all-in-all this movie looks more like what the TV series Heroes should’ve been rather than the pile of horse crap it was. It’s three friends who discover they have super powers all of a sudden and then using them in everyday life. The movie is shot all Blair Witch Project with a friend documenting their experiences, which is I guess why the movie is called Chronicle and not Dude With Super Powers And Shit Gets Real. Specifically, the special effects for the movie look good. It looks like a bunch of people who are really really really good with aftereffects software who may have went to college for that stuff or just started dicking around with it and using online tutorials, but they got really good and now they made a movie about it. There are a lot of movies coming out nowadays that are like. Some are good - District 9 – and some are TERRIBLE – Skyline. This movie looks on the better side. Some of the action scenes already look pretty inventive and some of the misadventures they get into look pretty inventive. I’m also interested in the movie because besides it looking like what Heroes should’ve been – it also looks a lot like what The Covenant should’ve been and sadly when I worked at Sony way back when The Covenant was a movie I was reading the script and giving notes on. That movie sucked. The only thing that movie had and this movie might not have is a few great looking girls running around in their underwear for no apparent reason… well, there is a reason – it’s fun for the whole family to look at. I’m seeing this movie.

THE INNKEEPERS

I don’t love or even like horror movies most of the time. I can’t remember the last horror movie I sat and watched. Unless you count every Korean movie as a horror movie because they certainly have some fucked up stuff happening in them. But I usually don’t watch horror. I also very rarely watch ghost horror movies. That’s why The Innkeepers is about and later The Woman in Black. I’m just not into ghosts and/or horror movies, so these movies are out there, but Jordan is never in them. All I can say about The Innkeepers is that the poster is nice for a movie about people being murdered by ghosts or whatever. If you see those types of movies then you’ll probably see this because what’s the difference between one ghost horror movie than another? Honestly? If you sat and watched White Noise and sort of liked it then see this movie. Who cares? It’s not like it could be so much worse considering White Noise wasn’t even good. It’s horror. It’s ghosts. Have fun not sleeping for a few days after seeing it.

W.E.

All you need to know about this movie is that Madonna, yes that Madonna, wrote and directed this movie. That right there should be enough for you to base your opinion on seeing this. Add to that, this movie is coming out in February! Anyway… what is this movie about? I honestly had no idea what this movie was about, so I looked it up and here is the thrilling synopsis:

“W.E.” tells the story of two fragile but determined women – Wally Winthrop and Wallis Simpson – separated by more than six decades. In 1998, lonely New Yorker Wally Winthrop (Abbie Cornish) is obsessed with what she perceives as the ultimate love story: King Edward’s VIII’s abdication of the British throne for the woman he loved, American divorcée Wallis Simpson. But Wally’s research, including several visits to the Sotheby’s auction – ARE YOU STILL READING THIS?! OH MY GOD THIS IS THE MOST BORING SYNOPSIS EVER. I HAD TO TAKE TWO BATHROOM BREAKS ALREADY AND THERE ARE STILL TWO SENTENCES LEFT. WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS EVEN ABOUT? WHAT KIND OF SYNOPSIS HAS THE WORD “ABDICATED” IN IT? SERIOUSLY, MADONNA I HATE YOU FOR MAKING THIS MOVIE AND FOR RUINING GUY RITCHIE. I CAN’T IMAGINE YOU’RE EVEN SEEING THIS BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY JUST SKIPPED THE SYNOPSIS BECAUSE WHO CARES ABOUT THIS BULLSHIT OR YOU DID READ THE FIRST TWO SENTENCES AND DIED OF BOREDOM ON YOUR KEYBOARD AND YOUR SUICIDE NOTE WILL READ “asdfasdhfkggggghhhhssshhhhhhhhhhasd” AND TRYING TO FIGURE THAT MYSTERIOUS LAST WORD WILL BE MORE INTERESTING THAT THIS SHITTY MOVIE WILL EVER BE -  of the Windsor Estate, reveals that the couple’s life together was not as perfect as she thought. Weaving back and forth in time, “W.E.” intertwines Wally’s journey of discovery in New York with the story of Wallis (Andrea Riseborough) and Edward (James D’Arcy), from the glamorous early days of their romance to the slow unraveling of their lives in the decades that followed.

And done.

THE WOMAN IN BLACK

Honestly, I couldn’t care any less about this movie. I know a lot of people are getting themselves psyched for this for two reasons: 1. people like to get themselves psyched for things, but then not do them when the time comes to actually do it because half the time the anticipation of doing something is more eventful than actually doing it and 2. Daniel Radcliffe was in all these kiddie wizard movies and now people want to see what he can do as a “serious” actor. Oh yeah, ghost horror is some “serious” acting. Anyway, I’m over all those fucking Brit magic trick kids from Harry Potter. I’m so tired of all of them. I get that most of you are probably too, but you’re sticking by a few of them for the same exact reason why I will keep an eye out for Emma Watson’s career – you want to bang them. And that’s cool and perfectly legal… nowadays… but I don’t want to bang Daniel Radcliffe, so I don’t want to see this movie. Even if Emma Watson was in this movie, I wouldn’t see it because of the ghost horror stuff, but I would look up online for any clips or pictures where the lovely lady is perhaps wearing just her underwear or as she would call them KNICKERS. If you want Daniel Radcliffe’s penis in or around you then go see this movie. If you don’t then don’t. Or if you like ghost horror and you want to compare contrast The Innkeepers to this because for some reason February is ghost horror month. Who knew?

JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND

Damn you, The Rock. Why do you always make the kiddiest kid bullshit ever? I’m not seeing this movie and neither are you unless you have children. Everyone does realize that this is a kids movie, right? No one is uncertain about how much of a kids movie this is? It’s a sequel to that other kids movie Journey to the Center of the Earth with Brendan Fraser. So it’s a kids movie. We’re all in agreement? Right?! Ok… now this is Vanessa Hudgens in the movie…

WOW!

That right there is for the adults in the room and/or trying to convert any “Princess Boys” into picking up a guitar and trolling for chicks because WOW. Kids movie?! Even look at the poster. That is the picture they chose specifically for the movie and look at how much of Vanessa’s beautiful boob is the focus of the picture. It’s about all I can see! And you can call me a pervert all you want and I have two response: 1. if it is perverted to find Vanessa Hudgens attractive and think her wearing skimpy wet clothing is attractive then I’m perverted and 2. I’m perverted. Seriously though, the chick is in a kids movie. She looks sexier in the above picture than anything I’ve gotten in the last series of rated R movies I’ve gone and seen.

Maybe I’m seeing this movie.

SAFE HOUSE

Paint by numbers action flick for Ryan Reynolds is becoming this dude’s modus operandi. As for Denzel, well the dude kind of does what he wants. He’s in a good movie then a shitty movie, but he’s always Denzel, so it kind of makes the movies look sort of credible in that “if I’m laying around on my couch and this movie is starting up then I’m watching every second of it” kind of way. I haven’t seen Unstoppable, but that’s the first Denzel movie I haven’t watched in several years. I’ll end up seeing this movie. I’m not going to go watch a movie about a train that lost its breaks, but I’ll watch a movie about Denzel with a gun and shooting fools who step to him. That’s something I’ve watched before and will watch again. As for Ryan, at one time I thought Ryan Reynolds was going to be a HUGE deal, but he’s not and I’m over whatever it was that I saw in him. I think I understand why he’s been dumped. I don’t know about you, but actors need an aura and Reynolds has none. He hasn’t made me laugh in awhile and his chiseled physique isn’t as impressive as it was several years ago. Either way, I’ll see it. It’s either ghost horror or this at this point, so I’ll choose this.

DENZEL PLEASE MAKE GOOD MOVIES AGAIN!

MORE OF GEORGE LUCAS RAPING MY STAR WARS LOVING CHILDHOOD… NOW IN 3D!!!!

Suck a dick, George Lucas. … … in 3D!

I fucking hate George Lucas.

Oh and I hate you too if you see this shit movie in shit 3D.

That’s the first half of February and it is pretty shitty as expected. Tomorrow, Part DEUX!

I, on the other hand, will be visiting the DENTIST!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

WHY GOD WHY?!!!!!

The DENTIST as well all know is actually … D.E.N.T.I.S.T. … which means:

D – Devil

E – Evil

N – Nutjob

T – Tyrant

I – Ice-Cream-Hater

S – Sadist

T – Hitler

The last T is actually just a place holder for the word Hitler. I’m not sure why that is, but I’m not a dentist who went to dentist school to become the Lucifer of Teeth.

…

I don’t really know why everyone hates dentists, but … Oh WAIT I DO KNOW! It has a lot to do with the metal hook they take and scrape it across your gum line. That’s 1 big reason.

Anyway… that’s happening in like 40 minutes and I’m not at all psyched, so let’s talk about something else.

FOOTBALL

The games were both good and entertaining. The Ravens/Patriots game was crazy entertaining, but not the outcome I would have liked. I really didn’t want to see the Patriots in the Super Bowl no matter what. The Ravens got so close to beating the Patriots and then they got so close to tying the Patriots and then they went home on an airplane and haven’t spoken a single fucking word since because they lost to the Patriots. Seriously, that was crazy. If I played for the Ravens, I wouldn’t have let the former kicker Billy Cundiff nor the former wide receiver Lee Evans on the plane to come home. I would have stopped them way before we got to the airport – “Nah, you two are going to have to find your own way home.” Also, I would suggest to them that Baltimore is probably not their home anymore and they should consider relocating to Massachusetts or go to Buffalo where Lee Evans was playing last season. I’m sure Lee can figure out how to get from Foxboro to Buffalo and once there he could suggest could real estate people.

On the other hand, if I was Billy Cundiff I would have called my wife and kids and told them to start making their way to at the very least New York City immediately after I missed the game tying chip shot kick. I’m from the Baltimore area originally and it is nice and all in parts, but it’s easy enough to leave. Believe that.

As for the Giants/49ers game… I was torn at the beginning of the game because I didn’t exactly care who won as long as they beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Out of the two teams, the Giants have a better shot at beating the Pats in my opinion because they have a more dynamic offense than the 49ers. Both are great teams, but the 49ers do not have equal running and passing option as the Giants do and that is key when you’re trying to win a fucking Super Bowl. Anyway, amazing year by the 49ers. There was a lot of magic happening on that team and hopefully they can bottle it and do it again next year. Their defense played like fucking MEN all season and during that game and if it wasn’t for the two BONEHEAD plays of punt returner Kyle Williams then 49ers may have won this game in regular time.

As for Kyle Williams, if I played for the 49ers I would have took him outside the stadium and pointed him to the bridge that separates San Francisco and Oakland and told, “just walk your ass over to Oakland because no one in this town wants to see your face again.” And I would not be lying or being dramatic. There may be a spot on the Oakland Raiders for Kyle. There may be a spot on some other team for Kyle, but for damn sure there is no spot on the 49ers for him anymo’.

Super Bowl REMATCH – Patriots vs. Giants.

Both teams had a tough bone bruising game, but they have 2 weeks to sit on it and heal and then play in a dome in Indianapolis, so there’s that.

I’m rooting for the Giants obviously.

MOVIES

I saw Haywire with the lovely Gina Carano. I liked the movie. My problems with it really came down to two things that I think I highlighted before hand…

1. The trailers showed way too fucking much. The action scenes were great in the movie and they would have been even more great if I hadn’t seen them 10x over in the trailers. The fight scene Gina has with Michael Fassbender is a great scene all around, but they show the whole damn thing in the trailer, so that kind of takes the sting out of it.

2. I’m not a fan of Steven Soderbergh’s directing, so my problems with his other movies fall into play here as well. One thing Soderbergh does is make SLOW like SLOW movies. All of his movies are slow. From Ocean’s Eleven to The Informant! to Che to Che part 2 to ALL OF THEM. This one is slow as well. It is like a female Drive where it is so fucking slow at points with random action scenes. What Drive had was an emphasis on two things that helped you cope – music and ridiculousness. The action scenes were so bloody and over-the-top that they made up for slowness. The music in Haywire is more or less meandering background jazz music, where as in Drive it was three dark electronic jams that spoke to your soul. So there’s a difference there.

All-in-all, I think Gina Carano did a fine job as a movie star and an even better job as an action star. I really hope and expect to see her in more movies. I’m not sure why she wouldn’t be.

…

Fuck it is dentist time… wish me luck.

Happy weekend!

Happy Holiday! (we live in a pretty diverse world, so it’s probably a holiday somewhere in the world today)

I don’t really have anymore “news” to talk about. I’m over politics, plus nothing much has changed. Newt is on the rise, but he was on the rise before, so who cares? Two politicians no one on the National stage fell out of the race this week, so who cares? One of those people plus Sarah “Who Gives A Shit About Sarah Palin Anymore?” Palin endorsed Newt, so who cares? In the end, Mitt is still the top dog and if Newt is rising then he needs to keep rising past South Carolina. Either way, who cares? I don’t. I’ve talked about football and I love it and could talk about it more, but until the games happen Sunday I’ll keep a lid on my excitement for them. Please God… I hope the Patriots lose. I also hope that whoever comes out of the NFC wins the Super Bowl. What else? Oh yeah, there are FREE FIGHTS on TV … TONIGHT! If you want to see some FREE FIGHTS they are on FX tonight. The main event is Jim Miller vs. Melvin Guillard. They weigh-in at 155 pounds and they’re fighting at Nashville. They’re both quite talented and both are likable dudes, but I will be rooting for Jim Miller because he’s from New Jersey… Sparta, NJ… and trains in Whippany, NJ… and I do some “training” of my own right next to the gym he trains at called AMA… the “training” I do is eating pancakes and bacon at the Original Pancake Factory, which is next to the gym… so I’m pretty much apart of his fight team, which means I’m pretty much a member of his extended family, so you’re basically rooting for my adopted brother out there! Anyway… I have also talked about how you should see Haywire this weekend because I am and because Gina Carano is the best and she was on Conan last night and was her usual sexy, awkward, breathy, fragile and yet so alpha female self. So… I don’t need to talk about that anymore and you should just start creating your own Gina Carano shrine like mine is 5 feet tall at this point… or is it?

I did have a random thought last night…

Women say they like guys with confidence. Now, there are all sorts of confidence in this world and usually confidence comes from someone already being successful in this act and that’s why they have confidence in it. Basically, if a guy is getting laid then he’ll have confidence with women, but if he’s not previously successful with women then he’ll have zero confidence trying to talk to you, the ladies. So, my suggestion – create the confidence for him. If you see a guy who you think you might like, but he has less than appropriate confidence then send your sluttiest friend (you know you’ve got them) to go boost his confidence with a bang or two. Then you can swoop in when he’s got the confidence he needs to be with you.

That’s a fool proof plan!

It is win-win-win.

Or… I guess you could put yourself on the line and bang the dude when he’s got less than stellar confidence, which certainly will raise the shit out of his confidence and then he’ll be at that appropriate confidence level. Although, that plan has a draw back if the guy knows about the previous plan because he may confuse you as the slutty friend instead of the final girlfriend friend.

There are some flaws there, but minor ones in my opinion.

Basically, a guy getting a lady is a lot like getting a job where your resume has to have the necessary experience level for one to be confident in to get that job. If you like the candidate so much and feel like giving them a shot then how about you just manufacture that resume experience for him? Right? These are the best ideas ever.

As far as the dilemma that you’re having the “sloppy seconds” of your friend… pffft… first of all – let the guy shower up unless you’re doing a three way…

Second, if you get your friend drunk enough – which if she is the slutty one is probably already really drunk as is – she won’t remember what sex she had…

Third, you’re always getting someone’s metaphorical “sloppy seconds” or “thirds” or “eighths” unless you date exclusively virgins and that my friend is a fetish…

So… sort that amongst yourselves…

Oh right?! If you don’t have a slutty friend… get one. I can’t stress that enough. They are great to have around. They can be used in so many ways – that’s what she said – and can provide an obscene amount of comedy and entertainment and their daily drama in their life will always leave you speechless. They’re the Swiss Army knife of life. You just throw one of those bad bears into your purse or just add a slut to an email chain or your wine club and you’re good to fucking go. Adopt a slut into your life. You won’t be sorry. I promise.

That’s all I think.

Thoughts?

I hope you have a great weekend.