True story: last night, a young lady sang out her car window “SHOW US YOUR COCK!” around 11pm on a Thursday in Morristown, New Jersey.

I’m usually not out drinking on a Thursday, but, apparently, shit gets wild. I’m not sure if she was referring to me or the two guys I was with or to the police officer standing 15 feet from us minding his own business or was it more metaphysical and was yelling to the world and anyone who could hear her to show us your “cock” and/or that private side one only shows their lovers and to make the world their proverbial lover and to show it your cock… or she could’ve been some drunk skank looking to see some strange D.

Also, I just finished watching “The Office” series finale. It was good.

I liked “The Office” a lot and I thought it way more good episodes than bad. It stretched the idea of the original show and became something more as it was asked to. I think it did a much better job than most shows I’ve watched with its ability to continue putting out solid product and never make me question why I kept tuning into watch it. I’ll miss it, but it was time for it to go. 9 seasons is a lot and I think it did a great job filling them out.

One of the things that “The Office” succeeded at that many shows didn’t, won’t or even attempt to do is take us on a journey. A lot changed and transpired over the years on “The Office” with ups and downs and storylines evolving. There was a lot to that show. It wasn’t simply a show that created a plot for the half-hour tried to make you laugh and then move on; they tried to make it an experience and I think they succeeded wholeheartedly with that.

Lastly…

What the title of today’s post is referring to…

I CAN’T STOP WATCHING THIS!

It’s fucking mesmerizing.

I love you, internet.

I love you, gifs.

I love you.

Today, we’re going to discuss the age of the love interests throughout Scarlett Johansson’s acting career.

Let’s get the givens out of the way, this is what Scarlett Johansson looks like:

Scarlett is 28 years old and was born November 22, 1984.

Scarlett has been acting since she was like 10. And, as she’s grown up and gotten quite hot, Hollywood has seen fit to pair her with men who are disproportionately older than her. Scarlett’s not the only one in this situation with odd pairings, I remember I did a post about Marisa Tomei’s unlikely suitors in movies as well.

I know you might be thinking – didn’t this guy make a list of men and women over 60 that were fuckable? Yes, I did. And, I believe I was called crazy throughout all of it. Either way, I’m just pointing out age differences and how commonly someone who is a regular love interest in movies like Scarlett has a love interest who is usually a lot older than her.

I think it’s pretty common to watch a movie or a television show and see the heterosexual couple being prominently featured as the leads and think to yourself - she’s way too hot for him.

It happens a lot on sitcoms where the male main character is some former comic and now he’s matched up with this smokeshow and they either never address it or they spend the entire length of the show trying to explain it. A lot of “Modern Family” is spent trying to make excuses for why Sofia Vergara would be fucking and procreating with Ed O’Neil. Or other shows like “Curb Your Enthusiasm” had Cheryl Hines opposite Larry David and never addressed anything, meanwhile she gets cast a few years later on “Suburgatory” and she’s strutting around like she’s Playboy model.

Anyway, yesterday, I read that Scarlett Johansson is in talks to be apart of Jon Favreau’s new movie Chef which is lead by Robert Downey Jr. It would be an “Iron Man 2″ reunion with all three working together… it would also be a reunion of Scarlett Johansson playing a potential love interest to Robert Downey Jr.

Sure, sure, sure – age is just a number. For Scarlett and Robert, that number is 20. 20 being the amount of years that separates their ages. If you’re unfamiliar with how this works, that would mean that when Scarlett Johansson was BORN that Robert Downey Jr was filming scenes for the movie WEIRD SCIENCE.

Couple that with… I’ve also been reading a lot about the new TV shows coming this Fall. One of the TV shows that will be debuting on CBS features James Van Der Beek and Kevin Connolly who are 36 and 39 respectively. Meanwhile, their “friends” on the show will be played by three chick actresses – Majandra Delfino, Zoe Lister Jones, and Brooklyn Decker – who are 32, 31, and 26.

Friends? A 39 year old Kevin Connolly is FRIENDS with a 26 year old Brooklyn Decker? Or a 32 year old or a 31 year old? Maybe he’s playing Brooklyn’s MUCH OLDER brother. Even that would be ridiculous. How many people do you honestly know that have 13 year older sibling? I can think of a couple, but in comparison to the rest of the people I know who have siblings that’s WAY OFF. Usually, a friend or a sibling is not 13 years older and we’re usually not talking about a physical difference of Kevin Connolly and BROOKLYN DECKER.

So, back to ScarJo…

Born in 1984, remember?

Immediately, I can think of multiple people who are much older (and much less attractive) than Scarlett who played her love interest in a movie. I think one can easily do this for most if not all actresses. I think Scarlett is a pretty solid example with her fame, looks, young age, and sample size of movies.

I’ll preface this with saying that I have not see all of Scarlett’s movies, so I’m mentioning the ones I’m pretty sure to fairly positive or whatever about. You’ll see. I’m also going to do this in chronological order setting the way back machine to 2001…

THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE (2001) – BILLY BOB THORNTON

Ol’ Billy Bob (1955) was 46 years old when he got road head from a 17 year old Scarlett in this Coen Brothers movie. This was one of the first examples that came to mind. It’s her idea as well to blow him. I believe they also play the piano together.

GHOST WORLD (2001) – ?

I don’t remember Scarlett having a love interest in this, but if you do then by all means. I was pretty bored with this movie, honestly. Isn’t Thora Birch into Steve Buscemi?

EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS (2003) – ?

Never saw this, just wanted to mention it though. She may have had an appropriately aged suitor for all I know in Ghost World and this movie. I don’t remember either. She does play Kari Wuhrer’s daughter in the movie, which is actually pretty appropriate as far as attractiveness, but that would mean Kari was 17 when she had Scarlett – preggers at the prom.

LOST IN TRANSLATION (2003) – BILL MURRAY and GIOVANNI RIBISI

She’s newly married to Ribisi who is 10 years older than Scarlett, but she spends much of the movie either in her underwear sulking or chasing around the 1950 born Bill Murray. So, by that math, Bill would’ve been 53 and Scarlett 19? Yeesh. She was playing a bit older as a recently graduated philosophy major, so she’s like 22 in the movie. Some may try to argue that Bill is not a “love” interest and to those people I say – shut it.

GIRL WITH A PEARL EARRING (2003) – COLIN FIRTH

Mr. Darcy was born in 1960, so a solid 24 years older than Scarlett.

THE PERFECT SCORE (2004) – CHRIS EVANS?

I never saw this movie, but I’m attributing Chris Evans as Scarlett’s love interest. Chris is only 2 years older than Scarlett and will continue to be the most “age appropriate” and probably “looks appropriate” match for Scarlett. He is also I believe a love interest in another movie of hers that we’ll get to in a bit titled “The Nanny Diaries”. I know at the very least he takes his shirt off and I think talks about her butt if I remember correctly from the trailers. That’s close enough for a love interest, right?

A LOVE SONG FOR BOBBY LONG (2004) – GABRIEL MACHT

I’m certainly not going to try and argue that Gabriel is a good looking dude, great looking even. He actually pulls the scruff off real well in this movie. I like this movie and you don’t have to worry that the silver haired-Jabba the Hut/John Travolta is not a “love interest” for Scarlett. It is the 12 years older Gabriel who is the love interest. Scarlett would’ve been 21 and Gabes just around 33. Oddly enough, Gabriel (like Chris Evans) plays a love interest in a later movie in her career… a much much much much much worse movie.

A GOOD WOMAN (2004) – STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

Never seen this, but judging from the description Scarlett tries to jump this guy’s bones. Stephen is actually only 5 years older than Scarlett.

IN GOOD COMPANY (2004) – TOPHER GRACE

Actually, a big fan of this movie. Probably one of my favorite movies featuring Scarlett. And, Topher is only 6 years older than Scarlett. That’s kind of apart of the storyline too with him being a married and soon-to-be-divorced man and her being in college at NYU if memory serves correctly… she’s also his co-worker’s daughter. Actually, he’s the boss of that guy. And that guy is Dennis Quaid who I could actually believe is Scarlett’s dad with the lovely Marg Helgenberger as the wife/mother – which I would also believe.

MATCH POINT (2005) – JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

JRM which kind of sounds like “germ” is 7 years older than Scarlett. Sure, he was one of the prettiest gay faced men that could ever be cast across Scarlett, so sure Woody Allen did a decent enough job with that. Ok?

THE ISLAND (2005) – EWAN MCGREGOR

He’s an attractive guy – not debating that – just saying he’s 13 years older, which is like an 8th grader.

SCOOP (2006) – HUGH JACKMAN

Yeah, Wolverine is a good looking dude. We’re at least getting attractive men. He’s an attractive man who is 16 years older than Scarlett – that’s a kid with a driver’s permit or legally able to drive on their own in some states. I’m just pointing out that when Scarlett was 22 years old, Hugh was 38. I’m just saying.

THE BLACK DAHLIA (2006) – JOSH HARTNETT?

I didn’t see this, so I’m just guessing he’s the love interest. He’s 6 years older than ScarJo.

THE PRESTIGE (2006) – CHRISTIAN BALE

Christian is 10 years older than Scarlett. I know that Hugh Jackman originally pays for Scarlett to go to Christian. I can’t remember if they have any fornication. For the most part, Hugh is pining over Piper Perabo in that movie. Either way, Hugh is 16 years older.

THE NANNY DIARIES (2007) – CHRIS EVANS?

As I mentioned before, I think he’s the love interest. Never saw this movie. He’s 2 years older still.

THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL (2008) – ERIC BANA

Bana is 16 years older than Scarlett. Bana is also going after Natalie Portman who is 13 years younger than Bana. Actually, as far as the reality of the plot of that movie, Scarlett and Natalie are too old to play the Boleyn sisters and Bana was too young and not fat enough. But whatevs. I’ll give this movie a pass.

VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA – JAVIER BARDEM and PENELOPE CRUZ

Bardem is 15 years older and Penelope is 10 years older. I will say that this makes more sense though in terms of context. Scarlett is running around Spain and hooks up with a married couple, which in fact Bardem/Cruz are married. What I will say is that I didn’t like this movie and the lesbian scene or lack there of between Scarlett and Penelope is one of the biggest lies in pre-movie-hype history.

THE SPIRIT (2008) – GABRIEL MACHT

Still 12 years older.

HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU (2009) – BRADLEY COOPER and KEVIN CONNOLLY

Connolly was mentioned earlier and that ginger hobbit is 10 years older than Scarlett, while Bradley Cooper is 9 years older.

IRON MAN 2 (2010) – ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

They don’t do anything together and RDJ is pretty loyal to Gwyneth Paltrow as far as I remember. I think he does flirt with Scarlett, but he flirts with everybody including Jon Favreau as his bag man Happy Hogan. And she seems into him maybe more for the fact that she’s trying to recruit him to be a member of S.H.I.E.L.D. so I’ll give this a little bit of a slide, but as mentioned they will apparently be love interests with their 20 year age gap in Favreau’s “Chef”.

WE BOUGHT A ZOO (2011) – MATT DAMON

A solid 14 years older.

THE AVENGERS (2012) – JEREMY RENNER

13 years older.

HITCHCOCK (2012) – ?

Didn’t see.

DON JON (2013) – JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT

JGL is 2 years older.

…

So, what’s all of this mean?

Well, it could be the reason why Scarlett Johansson went crazy and started shacking up with Sean Penn who is 24 years older than her. I don’t remember when they dated, but there’s a potential chance she may have only been 24 years old when she was dating Sean Penn.

She did date Ryan Reynolds who is only 8 years older than her.

Didn’t she date Benecio Del Toro (17 years older)? WHY DOES MY BRAIN REMEMBER THIS BUT NOT OTHER THINGS?!

It seems about average for Scarlett’s male love interest to be a decade older than her.

Just thought that was interesting.

Happy Hump Day to all of you! Whether you dance or not, you like to hump, am I right?

So…. this happened.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/this-is-the-most-epic-brand-meltdown-on-facebook-ever

You probably have already seen that phenomenal technological breakdown of a poor restaurant owning couple on Facebook. It’s magnificent. It’s truly a work of art that belongs in a museum in huge Andy Warhol/tomato soup can sized prints and additionally local actors performing each status update in the center of the room with the episode of Kitchen Nightmares projected on a tower of TV screens. If you haven’t read it then I think you should. I’m hyping it up quite a bit.

I’m also listening to Daft Punk‘s new album right now. It’s free and streaming on iTunes. It’s interesting. I’ve seen people debating whether or not it is “disco”. It is disco. I’ll end that discussion right now… IT’S DISCO! There’s nothing wrong with that either. I think most popular music is more or less disco. Most popular songs on the radio are really just overly complicated disco songs. They follow the same formula as disco. Chick singer, singing about love, but it’s really a dance song… That’s disco. But Daft Punk is specifically more disco because I think it’s actually just trying to be disco. It’s a stripped down version of it all and shamelessly being disco. The single “Get Lucky” would’ve been an enormous disco hit if it existed back then instead of debuting like last week. I haven’t gotten through the whole album – still have 20 minutes left – but I like “Get Lucky” a lot.

So… onto the title of the post.

ABC announced it’s fall line-up. All the networks are doing it and since I spent some time on NBC the other day, I thought I’d give ABC some time as well. Which one is ABC again? That’s the peacock, right? The old peacock ABC! … hmmmm… no that’s NBC. NBC has the peacock. What’s ABC got? Well, CBS is the eternal watching eye of Sauron and FOX is known for having it’s old format of having animals attack things and now they have singing competition shows. The WB was a frog with a top hat, but turned into CW and I’ve never turned that network on again. Hmmmm… so ABC? ABC is just ABC, right? American Broadcast Company. Aren’t they all American? I guess not, right? They’re all rowdy communists and ABC is keeping it capitalist American. Fair enough… so what do they have for us this Fall?

ABC’S NEW FALL SCHEDULE

MONDAY

8:00 p.m. “Dancing with the Stars”

Nope. I think I’ve seen one episode of this show. I watched one of the season finales, but I’m not even sure which one it was. There have been several celebrities – usually athletes – that I’m a fan of that have been on this show and I still haven’t watched, so I doubt I’m going to start watching now. They would really need to change the format of simply ballroom dancing to more “You Got Served” style dancing. That I would watch. I would watch the Hell out of the Lachey brothers serving the Hough duo with a pair of former Pro Bowl wide receivers waiting in the wings.

I’d watch at least another episode.

10:00 p.m. “Castle”

Nope. Never.

My parents watch every network television program ever. I don’t even know how it is possible, but they do. It’s more so my dad watching them and DVRing them and my mom patiently watching them with him and her brain has been fully brain washed into thinking that some are worth continuing to watch. And this is one of the shows they watch… and my mom has actually gotten sick of it, which is saying something.

I’ve caught maybe 5 minutes of the show in total while watching the last few seconds of it on a re-run on TNT before the NBA playoffs start and it looks a lot like a less sexy “Bones”. I don’t watch “Bones”, I don’t watch “Castle”, so I won’t be flipping to ABC on Monday.

TUESDAY

8:00 p.m. “Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”

I’ll watch at least an episode. I’m fully expecting not to like it. I have this suspicion that since I HATE all of the Marvel movies that feature the S.H.I.E.L.D. characters as regular contributors and the fact that I HATE the S.H.I.E.L.D. characters in general that I’ll probably not be into this show. As far as I’ve seen, the S.H.I.E.L.D. characters are all entirely worthless in Thor, Iron Man, Avengers, et cetera. They’re worthless characters who do nothing and now they’re getting a show. I’ll watch an episode, but I’m not guaranteeing much more than that.

9:00 p.m. “The Goldbergs”

JEWS! Who doesn’t love a good Jew, right? Hunh… Holocaust? Spanish Inquisition? The Bible? Whaaaaaaa?

Anyway, I doubt I’ll like this show. I haven’t seen a trailer, so I’m not sure. I do like Jeff Garlin, but I really enjoy Jeff Garlin on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and this is not going to be that Jeff Garlin.

9:30 p.m. “Trophy Wife”

This show looks like a repositioning of the actors from “Modern Family”. Hot blonde with hot legs, hot Hispanic chick with a chubby boy child, and a few other good looking women then a stupid white son who has a similarly sized sister who is probably smart, but we’ve lost Ed O’Neill and the funny gay couple… unless Michaela and Marcia are lesbians… hmmm… Anyway…

I don’t know. It doesn’t look that interesting. I feel like I’m going to give this Tuesday line-up a shot for at least one week and then probably give up on everyone of these shows a week or two later.

10:00 p.m. “Lucky 7”

It’s interesting because it’s a drama. I haven’t watched the trailer for this either, but it someways it sounds like the plot of “Windfall” which I never watched nor cared to and disappeared pretty quickly. It’s about a group of people working at a menial job where they win the lottery.

So, comic book sci-fi to two family comedies to ensemble drama? Random Tuesday night of TV. SO MANY FEELINGS!

WEDNESDAY

8:00 p.m. “The Middle”

Hate.

8:30 p.m. “Back in the Game”

Sounds like a less interesting TV show version of that Clint Eastwood movie with Amy Adams “Trouble with the Curve”. I doubt I’ll be a regular viewer.

9:00 p.m. “Modern Family”

Yep.

Still a great show. It has some off weeks, but usually they’re quite good. Ty Burrell is always great and the kids have become really great as well. The show has a solid formula and strong enough characters to do many seasons to come.

9:30 p.m. “Super Fun Night”

Well… I wanted to see this show. It sounds decent enough with Rebel Wilson and her friends wanting to blow out their weekend partying to make up for having jobs during the week. I didn’t watch the trailer, but I’ve seen some talk saying that it is pretty paint-by-numbers stuff and focused a lot on making weight jokes about Rebel. Sweet. I’ll give it a watch, but if that’s the case that it is bad then I’ll probably just start DVRing “Modern Family” and watching something else entirely on Tuesdays.

10:00 p.m. “Nashville”

Nerp.

THURSDAY

8:00 p.m. “Once Upon a Time in Wonderland”

Strike 1.

9:00 p.m. “Grey’s Anatomy”

Strike 2.

10:00 p.m. “Scandal”

Strike 3.

YOU’RE OUT, ABC! Caught you looking, motherfucker!

So, I won’t be turning on ABC on Wednesdays.

FRIDAY

8:00 p.m. “Last Man Standing”

Noooooooo.

8:30 p.m. “The Neighbors”

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

9:00 p.m. “Shark Tank”

Not a bad show, but I don’t watch it. I was watching it kind of consistently when I first started dating _dharv. I would drive up to her place on a Friday and spend the weekend. Friday was usually spent with us catching up in person at her place while Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune were on. And then “Shark Tank” would come on at 8pm. We would usually catch some of it before going out and eating at a bar and then seeing a movie. Simpler times, am I right?

We actually tried to go see “The Great Gatsby” last night, but got REJECTED. First time that happened in awhile. Apparently, the 8:10 2D showing was what everyone was aiming for and we didn’t expect that. Whatevs. Better luck next week.

10:00 p.m. “20/20”

Haven’t watched “20/20″ in years. My parents used to watch it all the time and thus my childhood was spent watching it. All I have to say about that is…

FUCK YOU, JOHN STOSSEL! I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL!

SATURDAY

8:00 p.m. “Saturday Night College Football”

Meh.

SUNDAY

7:00 p.m. “America’s Funniest Home Videos”

Eesh.

8:00 p.m. “Once Upon a Time”

Gah.

9:00 p.m. “Revenge”

Fart.

10:00 p.m.“Betrayal”

Never.

…

SO!!!!

Monday is 0 time. Tuesday is a possible 3 hours the first week and a possible 0 hours from then on. Wednesday is a guaranteed half hour with an additional half hour the first week and possibly never again. Thursday and Friday are big fat ZEROES. Saturday is a possible if I for whatever reason feel the need to watch college football on a Saturday night, which happens like once a year. And Sunday is a NOPE.

The grand total of time is????????

4 fours of television watching the first week…

1/2 hour of guaranteed television watching the following week…

WOW!

I was honestly expecting a lot more than that.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Seriously? A half-hour and you’re ABC?! Fucking unbelievable.

ABC is in 4th place right now and has been for the past year and a half or so. They cancelled the best show they had which was “Happy Endings” and I was a fan of “Don’t Trust the B- in Apartment 23″ and I did watch “Cougartown” for a period of time. I get that “Suburgatory” will be around whenever it is scheduled to come back, but wowzers. A half-hour? That’s it.

So, are you more or less than a half-hour of TV watching on ABC?

My guess is 15 to a Spanish Lothario.

More on that later…

I can only assume you are wondering why today and why Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina in particular, and I can only answer that it came to me as a whimsical query while awakening from my Ambien slumber.

There is presumably a lot to talk about in the news like the soccer riots in Paris, which has some mildly hilarious footage on the Youtube. Apparently, if you own a motorized scooter in the Paris city limits, it got trashed. These soccer hooligans went for the easiest target and with that I think we clearly see how unambitious the French have become. Scooters? Just knocking over a scooter? In America, we turn over cars as well as invade other countries, but in Paris – scooter apocalypse! Anyway…

We could talk about the NBA playoffs or Game of Thrones or VEEP or how I’m planning on seeing The Great Gatsby tonight or maybe we could delve into a gun reform debate? Right?

Instead, I was thinking about Gwyneth Paltrow because she is everywhere right now for worse and not for the better. Iron Man 3, Most Beautiful Woman according to People Magazine, and on Chelsea Lately’s show Gwyn said that she gives blowjobs to her husband when she’s angry at him. … yep.

I find that very hard to believe. I find it very hard to believe that someone named Gwyneth is freely giving blowjobs. Maybe someone named Gwen would. Gwen is a fun name. Gwen is a respectable name. Gwyneth is Gwen with an ‘neth’ sound. That ‘neth’ sound is an anchor of anti-fun that drags life to the darkest depths of an ocean of ‘CSI: New York’ repeats. Just saying Gwyneth makes one a 1/10th more sad. Saying Gwen makes one smile. It’s the ringing “n” that is a delightful bell singing to the world. Whereas, ‘neth’ is the surname to the villainous sand worm that reeks havoc on a fairytale princess’ village.

Gwen is that girl who smiled all the time in school who you never got to really know, but you think about her fondly and genuinely hope she is doing well when you eventually Facebook stalk her.

Neth is that sewage like poop that comes out of you when you’re sick and you think about calling a doctor, but you’re afraid they’re going to want to see a sample of it and you know it’s not possible, but you’re afraid if you do somehow get a sample of it without throwing up until you die that the poop is so toxic it might eat through the plastic bag or container you’ve transported it in and it will ruin your clothes, car, purse, bag, or whatever it touches forever.

So, Gwyneth is a mix of those two things with a “y” throw in there for you to shake your head at.

I’m not sure how familiar you are with the Gwyneth Paltrow timeline, so let’s take a quick look at Gwyneth’s life from Wikipeida’s section on Early Life and Personal Life for you to really cultivate and educated guess on when Gwyneth Paltrow lost her virginity…

Paltrow was born in Los Angeles, California, and is the daughter of actress Blythe Danner and the late film producer/director Bruce Paltrow. Her father was Jewish and her mother is from a Christian background, and Paltrow was raised with “both Jewish and Christian holidays”.

Almost exactly like me, minus ALL THE MONEY. I, too, was born to a pretty blonde mother of Christian origins and to a glasses wearing, frizzy haired, Jew father. We celebrated both sets of holidays as well and none of this is at all interesting nor telling about when either of us lost our virginity.

Her father’s Ashkenazi family immigrated from Belarus and Russia, while her mother’s ancestry is Pennsylvania Dutch and white Barbadian.

Never heard of “Barbadian” before. It’s one letter away from “Barbarian” which is infinitely cooler. I have a lot more German and Irish ancestry thrown in there than Paltrow.

Paltrow’s paternal great-great-grandfather, whose surname was “Paltrowicz,” was a rabbi in Nowogród, Poland. Paltrow has a younger brother, Jake Paltrow, and is a half-cousin of actress Katherine Moennig, and a second cousin of former U.S. Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords (AZ-08).

Whoop-dee-doo… I have an older sister named Lauren and a cousin named Leyna who married a guy whose parents own a few Mr. Softee trucks and another cousin named Susan who married a guy who owned a bar in Baltimore before his business partners screwed him out of it and there are a few other ones out there that have names and did things. So whatever… ‘neth’.

Paltrow was raised in Santa Monica, where she attended Crossroads School, before enrolling in the Spence School, a private girls’ school in New York City.

Here we go…

So, a private girls’ school in NY Cit-tay. Let’s pump the breaks right there… We all know girls who went to private girls schools are nymphomaniacs. Or were nymphomaniacs. I mean we’ve seen that in countless movies and television shows and in our dreams every night from the year 1997-2004. Could she have lost her virginity then? Completely possible.

She could have definitely lost her lesbian virginity. Definitely. That’s possible with all these girls and my own hopes. But I’m thinking this is not an all girls school where there are dorms. I’m not sure there were dorms? I know some people who went to high school in NYC and they definitely didn’t stay in a dorm or anything. So, I feel like she probably wasn’t in a dorm and was more likely living with her parents wherever which is a lot less sexy.

Later, she briefly studied anthropology at the University of California, Santa Barbara, before dropping out to act. She is an “adopted daughter” of Talavera de la Reina (Spain), where at 15 she spent a year as an exchange student and learned to speak Spanish.

BINGO BANGO!

First, did Gwyneth Paltrow refer to herself as the “adopted daughter” of a city in Spain? Can I call a mother of 2 out for being a douchebag? If I can do that then I will. I lived in Philadelphia for 5 years and I don’t call myself the “adopted son” of Philly. Maybe because it doesn’t sound as fancy as Talavera de la Reina, but I bet I know shit ton more about Philly than she does about Talavera de la Reina.

Nevertheless, I do believe this is where a young Gwyneth Paltrow allowed herself to be deflowered for the first time on international soil by a local boy of similar age whose hair was made up of dark curls with eyes that shimmered like polished onyx and whose breath tasted of lime and skin was as warm as a freshly served quesadilla and whose tongue danced with Gwyneth’s as if they were whispering the word “paella” over and over into each other until the sun rise.

Yes! YES! This Casanova of carnitas in the center of Spain coyly watched the angel blanco with flaxen hair they called Gwyneth from a distance as he kicked his futbol ball around the streets below her ivory. He dreamed of her. Imagining she was from a distant planet and how the two would never be able to understand each other. After several months of watching from afar a chance meeting took place when Gwyneth was escorted through the streets to practice the language she had been diligently learning from her books, tutors, and maids.

While on their walk through the marketplace, an errant kick from the boy’s friend of the futbol ball caused the boy to give chase and not mind where he was going and accidentally run into Gwyneth. The escort wanted to have the boy arrested and taken to the jails, but it was Gwyneth who spared him when she saw her own reflection in his bright eyes. Right then, she understood for the first time what all these 1987 classic pop songs like Whitney Houston “I wanna dance with somebody” and Los Lobos re-release of “La Bamba” was all about. What the secret messages of unrequited love meant.

From there, Gwyneth began to sneak out of her home at nights to be with the boy. She began to see the city in a way she had never experienced through her windows or gated garden. Gwyneth tasted foods and listened to music by firelight and felt the wild Earth between her toes and against her fair skin for the first time. It was invigorating, it was raw, and this new desire needed to be satiated.

With “Open Your Heart” by Madonna playing on cassette tape, Gwyneth took the boy to her bed and what transpired did not rob either of their innocence, instead it imbued their innocence everlasting in them to the point that the boy never had sex again and became a priest and explains Gwyneth’s naivete to run a website trying to appeal to the average mother while at the same time telling them to buy $900 throw blankets without a second thought of how fucking ridiculous that is.

At the age of 24, Paltrow was engaged for six months to actor Brad Pitt, whom she dated from December 1994 to June 1997. The engagement was called off, according to Paltrow, because she was not ready for marriage, and she later felt responsible for hurting Pitt since she was “such a mess” during that time in her life. Paltrow has since said that, as this was her first high-profile relationship with another celebrity, it taught her the need for public discretion about her romantic life; she told Biography magazine, “I said things about being in a relationship [with Brad Pitt] that felt wrong to me even as I was saying them.”

OR Paltrow could have lost her virginity to a movie star or something. I doubt she held onto it until 24 and gave it to Brad Pitt on the set of Seven.

Maybe she lost it to Matthew Perry on the set of Deadly Relations in 1993… errr… nah. Nothing against Matthew Perry, but everyone likes to think of him as the living embodiment of as the fictional character he played on Friends, Chandler Bing, but he’s not. “Friends” didn’t start until ’94, so I’m sure Gwyneth probably skipped over Mr. Perry.

Really her first big role was in “Jefferson in Paris”, so I guess there’s a decent enough chance that Nick Nolte or director James Ivory de-virginized her.

Paltrow had an on-off three-year relationship with actor Ben Affleck from 1997 to late 2000. Soon after their breakup, Paltrow persuaded Affleck to work in the film Bounce with her; during the making of the film, which was shot in mid-1999, the couple started dating again and eventually broke up in October 2000.

Well, she didn’t learn too much from her relationship with Pitt when she jumped into another one with Affleck who was a big star at that time. I honestly forgot all about that. Ben Affleck has joked that he hasn’t had many girlfriends and the only ones he’s had are the ones we all know about… the ones we know about are GWYNETH PALTROW and JENNIFER LOPEZ. That’s enough right there, bud.

Anyway… we’re way past the virginity phase of Paltrow’s life. I do have to mention that it’s funny she had to persuade Affleck into make “Bounce” with her. It’s a wildly forgettable movie that someone should have persuaded her to not do. As for Affleck, I mean it’s funny that he had to be “persuaded” considering he was making some really shitty movies during that period of time, so why was he even questioning anything. Seriously, you probably just finished or were in the middle of doing “Reindeer Games” – anything is better than that.

In October 2002, Paltrow met Chris Martin of the British rock group Coldplay backstage three weeks after the death of her father, Bruce Paltrow. They married on December 5, 2003, in a ceremony at a hotel in Southern California. The couple have two children together: Apple Blythe Alison Martin (b. 2004) and Moses Bruce Anthony Martin (b. 2006). Paltrow explained Apple’s very unusual first name on Oprah, saying: “It sounded so sweet and it conjured such a lovely picture for me – you know, apples are so sweet and they’re wholesome and it’s biblical – and I just thought it sounded so lovely and … clean! And I just thought, ‘Perfect!’.” She explained her son’s first name came from the song, titled “Moses”, that her husband wrote for her before their wedding.

“Moses” is not from the Bible? You name your kid Moses and it has no Biblical implications, but Apple does? DOUCHE. Anyway…

Chris Martin famously has stated he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 22.

That would’ve been in 1999 and right before Coldplay’s “Parachutes” debut dropped and I can only assume that he popped his cherry while listening to Sugar Ray or the official soundtrack to Will Smith’s “Wild Wild West”.

Paltrow cut down on work after becoming a mother. She also suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her son, Moses.

Paltrow’s father came from a long line of influential East European rabbis, and that inspired Paltrow to raise her daughter and son in a Jewish environment. Paltrow has stated, “if you could see how much food I make – I am the original Jewish mother”.

Of course, you are. Telling kids they’re a failure because they eat a candy bar is a super Jewish mother move.

Anyway…

So, my final answer is Gwyneth Paltrow lost her virginity to a Spanish streetboy in 1987.

I’m open to the possibility of a drama teacher at the private girls school in the late 80′s or Coolio on the set of “Higher Learning”.

What are your thoughts?

Happy Mothers Day, again. You know what’s cool about Mothers day? Because we’re kind of just talking about how at one time you were a wild ass woman having raw dog sex with fluids going every which way and we celebrate that with flowers and brunch. And, that sounds much better than most holidays I’ve ever heard about.

Also, I woke up this morning with Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistible” running through my head and I looked up the genius on Wikipedia and the one paragraph under “Personal Life” was so majestic I had to post it here:

Robert Palmer was married in 1974 to Shelly Putman. They had three children together, Anthony, Anna and Martin. They divorced in 1978. In 1979, Robert Palmer married Susan Eileen Thatcher. They had two children together, James and Jane. They divorced in 1989. In 1993, Palmer permanently relocated from the Bahamas to a converted mill-house in Lugano, Switzerland after he found that the islands had become overrun with drugs and guns and were no longer safe. Palmer’s companion at the time of his death was Geraldine Edwards.

Amazing. Living in the Bahamas to a converted mill-house in Switzerland. If that was the tale of my life, I would be the happiest man in the world.

Currently, I’m pretty fucking happy because I just ate a homemade cinnamon roll that was the size of my fist that Danielle’s mom made yesterday. We have 5 more, so if you can make it to Motown, I’m sure we can figure out a barter trade system or simple momentary reimbursement or whatever. I’m not going to name a price for them now. Once you see them and the cinnamon and gooiness are inches from your face, you’ll pay whatever.

So…

MAD MEN

Who told you you could poop? All I remember telling you you could do was sit around naked in bed in this hotel room and wait for me to come back and have sex with you. NO WHERE in that list of demands does it detail you pooping! Don’t you want this random dom-sub relationship to work?!

So, last night, was a mildly interesting episode of “Mad Men”… well it could have been.

What really could have been interesting is the end of the episode, but it wasn’t.

If you didn’t watch last night’s episode or if you did and you already forgot it then let me fill you in on the deets.

Don Draper continued to have an affair with the above red hot Linda Cardellini who on the show to me fluctuates between 10 years of age depending on how they dress her. She’s 38 and sometimes she usually looks like she’s younger than that when they have her stripping her clothes off. Other times, they have her dressed up like she’s 92. I don’t know what’s going on with this character. It becomes even more confusing when her bald husband shows up and most times next to him Linda looks like she’s his daughter. Either way…

Don and Linda get a hotel room – #503 if that means anything – and after a midday fuck session, as they are both getting dressed, Don dips back into this dom-sub, dirty Don, dark Don persona that they’ve been using this season. Before it was the whole, keep those shoes on because I’m going to fuck you so good in those shoes that you’ll be cumming laces. Then like two scenes later it was like, keep that cross on because I’m going to fuck you so good wearing that cross that you’ll be cumming crosses or something. Whatever Don said.

Last night, Don told Linda to crawl over and get his shoes. Which she didn’t! What a bitch. He then told her to stay in this hotel room and wait naked for him and not pick up the phone. He sent her lingerie and she put that on. Then he made her wait all day and came back to the room to make her strip and have sex. Then the next morning he took her book from her and went on a sales call that required another castmember to fly a plane for some reason and when Don got back Linda wasn’t into the whole sex game anymore and decided to go back to her husband…

AND THIS IS WHERE THE SHOW COULD’VE GOT INTERESTING!

For a second, I thought Linda was going to turn the tables on Don.

But… she didn’t.

THEN! Don says “please”!

AND I THOUGHT LINDA WAS GOING TO TURN THE SUB-DOM TABLES ON DON!

But… she didn’t.

THAT would’ve been interesting.

If, at that moment, Linda had given Don directions and turned him into this subservient mess that really fucked with his strong psyche, especially during this business merger and jockeying for power at the office. If she had Don wearing her underwear to work or made him stay in bed. If all of a sudden, Don was so pussy-whipped by his mistress that he was ruining his own life by playing along with this mind game sex play with Linda… THAT WOULD’VE BEEN A STORYLINE!

Instead, we get the same old same old and I assume a goodbye from Linda. Seems like that was the end of the short lived character of the sexy neighbor and another notch in the belt for Donald.

Back to the wife, back to work, couple more episodes left and then another year off for Mad Men with nothing new to report.

For a second though! FOR A SECOND THOUGH! I really thought we had something with Linda.

If Mad Men wanted to be the show that it claims to be… it would’ve been really something interesting to have had big Don Draper reduced to a sub to his mistress. Would’ve made sense to with how he’s been dominated by whores in his life like they were showing and his perversions. His perversions should really get the best of him.

Whatever.

Goodbye, Linda Cardellini, we hardly knew yee’s boobs in lingerie.

The big movie coming out this weekend is most assuredly an adaptation of a book you’ve read, but judging by all the online articles I see – you’ve probably forgot the plot and outcome and characters’ names and possibly the point of the book.

Well, don’t worry, silly butt! I’m calling you “silly butt” for the remainder of this post.

Of course, Silly Butt, I’m talking about…

THE GREAT GATSBY

Silly Butt, if you wanted to get a solid Cliff’s Notes understanding of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby” you would most definitely ask film fashionista Baz Luhrman to create a 2+ hour spectacle for you completely re-imagined in 3D, right? RIGHT?! I think you, Silly Butt, know how much integrity Baz has when it comes to faithful adaptations of classic works of literature being transformed into flashy movies featuring pop-music soundtracks… RIGHT?!

Actually, Silly Butt, if I’m going to be honest with your silly butt then I would admit that I do like Luhrman’s “Romeo & Juliet”. The absurdity of the style and colors and all that busy-ness works for me. The only scene I thought was a little troublesome was actually the scene when Romeo and Juliet are doing the by the window thing and he’s down by the pool and so forth and they end up kissing in the pool. I just thought it didn’t seem like much of a climb for Romeo and should’ve been a little higher up because he’s like a foot from her and she can’t see him? It’s nit-picky and with that I think that shows I did like the movie if that’s my fault with it.

I think they all handled the troubling tongue-twisting dialogue quite well. Plus, Radiohead is on the soundtrack.

Add to that, Silly Butt, that all the other Romeo & Juliet adaptations suck balls. Like big ones. BIGGER THAN THAT EVEN. Specifically, Franco Zeffirelli’s Romeo and Juliet which I think is a bland and stale movie minus how beautiful Olivia Hussey is in it and then you have to pretend like you’ve never looked up how old she was when she made the movie and pretend like you didn’t read on IMDB that she was only 15 and you want to throw yourself off a building and you keep that all tucked inside your brain and never mention that movie to anyone ever… right, Silly Butt?

ANYWAY!

The Great Gatsby is hovering around 45% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is not good. But I think that’s to be expected. I’m not saying I’ll like this movie, but I’ll go see it. I’m definitely interested in seeing it. I don’t think Luhrman is making movies for a 100% rating to begin with and I’m not even expecting to be of the 45% of people who have thus far enjoyed the movie. I am expecting to walk away from the movie thinking what a lot of them are thinking and what I thought when I first heard about the movie…

3D – Don’t like it

Music – Not a fan

Spectacle – Well orchestrated

Tobey Maguire – Could’ve been someone else

Carrey Mulligan – Miscast

Leonardo DiCaprio – Great

Style over substance – definitely

We’ll see, Silly Butt, we’ll see. I’m betting the movie is exactly what someone should expect from a Baz Luhrman 3D adaptation of a classic work of literature that is being made for a Summer movie audience. It shouldn’t be surprising; it just matters if you like that type of stuff or not. Do you like the sound of that, Silly Butt?

Next topic…

NBC

Four shows have been cancelled.

Five shows have been ordered.

The failed four – Up All Night, Whitney, 1600 Penn, and Guys with Kids.

I liked Up All Night. It certainly had its moments. I especially liked them bringing in Jason Lee as Maya Rudolph’s man. I thought they did a good job – sometimes. It wasn’t all good, but there were some good episodes. One episode I remember I really liked was the one about Will Arnett “cheating” on Christina Applegate by watching the last episode of a TV show with another mother when her kid was over on a play date. Another good episode was the New Years episode when they wrote down all the things they disliked about each other.

Fuck Whitney, Silly Butt.

Fuck 1600 Penn, Silly Butt.

Guys with Kids? Never saw it. Never remembered it was a TV show either.

So, what are the new shows?

1. ABOUT A BOY

Based on the best-selling Nick Hornby novel, written/produced by Jason Katims (“Friday Night Lights,” “Parenthood”) and directed by Jon Favreau comes a different kind of coming-of-age story. Will Freeman (David Walton, “Bent,” “Perfect Couples”) lives a charmed existence as the ultimate man-child. After writing a hit song, he was granted a life of free time, free love and freedom from financial woes. He’s single, unemployed and loving it. So imagine his surprise when Fiona (Minnie Driver), a needy, single mom and her oddly charming 11-year-old son Marcus move in next door and disrupt his perfect world. When Marcus begins dropping by his home unannounced, Will’s not so sure about being a kid’s new best friend, until, of course, Will discovers that women find single dads irresistible. That changes everything and a deal is struck: Marcus will pretend to be Will’s son and, in return, Marcus is allowed to chill at Will’s house, play ping-pong and gorge on steaks, something his very vegan mom would never allow. Before he realizes it, Will starts to enjoy the visits and even finds himself looking out for the kid. In fact, this newfound friendship may very well teach him a thing or two that he never imagined possible – about himself and caring for others.

Barf.

It sounds like it would be written by the guy who did “Parenthood” a show I would never like to watch ever.

I loved the movie. I’ve seen it a few times. I’m neither for or against Minnie Driver. I do like David Walton  – in general. I’m not sure if I like him for this role, but I like him. It makes me wonder if NBC has a development deal with Walton and they’re just plugging and playing him into shows to find that vehicle that works and satisfies this deal they have with him. I thought “Bent” was a good show. Actually, it was much better than however you perceived how much I liked “Up All Night”. Anyway… I kind of think he’s too young for the role. I don’t know how young he is – 15 year old Olivia Hussey young or a somewhat surprising 50 year old Jet Li – but he looks younger than I would expect someone to be to play that role.

Either way, I feel like I get enough feel good moral parables from “Modern Family”. Next…

2. BELIEVE

Levitation, telekinesis, the ability to control nature, even predict the future…

UGH… I wish I could stop right here, but I’m writing this for you, Silly Butt, and you should get to see the whole agonizing multi-paragraph summary.

Since she was two years old, Bo has had gifts she could neither fully understand, nor control. Raised by a small group known as the “True Believers,” the orphaned girl has been safeguarded from harmful outsiders who would use her forces for personal gain. But now that she is 10, her powers have become stronger, and the threat has grown more dangerous.

With her life and future now in jeopardy, the “Believers” turn to the only person they see fit to be her full-time protector. That is, once they break him out of jail. Tate, a wrongfully imprisoned death row inmate who’s lost his will, is initially reluctant – until he witnesses one of her extraordinary abilities. Bo sees people for who they truly are… and who they may become.

Tate and Bo begin their journey, one in which trust must be earned. Traveling from city to city, every place they stop and everyone they meet will be changed forever. But they’ll have to keep going to stay one step ahead of the sinister forces after Bo’s power… because it will take a miracle to keep them safe forever.

The powers of a young girl may hold the fate of our world in Believe, from executive producer J.J. Abrams (Revolution, Star Trek: Into Darkness) and executive producer/writer/director Alfonso Cuarón (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Children of Men).

Sounds like a movie. Probably should’ve been.

Will you watch this? Will you watch this, Silly Butt? A deathrow prisoner playing shepherd to a kid with telekinetic powers who is looking to put on a carnival tour of magic shows to make everyone BELIEVE about something while some group chases them to use her for their evils?

I doubt it. Although, I bet this show gets a couple of seasons.

3. CRISIS

From writer/producer Rand Ravich (“Life,” “The Astronaut’s Wife”) and starring Dermot Mulroney, Gillian Anderson, Lance Gross and Rachael Taylor comes an emotionally charged, action thriller.

It’s field trip day for the students of Ballard High School, a place that educates the children of Washington, D.C.’s elite, top-of-their-industry CEOs, international diplomats, political power players and even the president’s son. But when their bus is ambushed on a secluded rural road, the teenagers and their chaperones are taken, igniting a national crisis. Now with some of the country’s most powerful parents at the mercy of one vengeful mastermind, the question arises: How far would you go and what would you become to ensure your child’s safe return? With so many parents and dignitaries put into play with nowhere to turn and no one to trust, this unthinkable scenario grows from the select families at risk to an entire nation at stake.

How many episodes did V get? Not the original V, but the one that happened a couple years ago. Or what was that show… Flash Forward. How many episodes did that show get? That’s how many I think this will get. This doesn’t sound like it will last. Sounds very complicated and also sounds like a movie more than a show. Also, I just don’t know if this is as engaging as it is ridiculous.

And, I really don’t think Dermot and Gillian have the star power to get people behind this show. It may be better to have unknowns that people grow to love instead of people they know they wish were making something else instead of this. It’s hard to look at Gillian and not think – why don’t they just make more X-Files? And, I didn’t even watch the X-Files!

Either way, Silly Butt, I’m not really sure that this is the show that will grab the nation’s attention.

4. THE FAMILY GUIDE

It’s not every family that’s brought closer together by divorce, but then again, the Fishers aren’t exactly typical. Take Mel Fisher (J.K. Simmons), for example. Whether it’s chopping down trees, showing his daughter how to drive or playing football with his son, he’s never let the fact that he’s blind slow him down. Then there’s Joyce Fisher (Parker Posey), possibly the only mom in Pasadena to smoke a pipe. For her, divorce is like a second coming of age, a chance to be the teen she never was. Just ask’80s-obsessed teenage daughter Katie (Ava Deluca-Verley, “Southland”), whose clothes Joyce is always borrowing (that is, when she’s not tagging along with Katie to the mall). At the center of all this is Henry (Eli Baker), the Fisher’s 11-year old son. Having always been his dad’s eyes, ears and wingman, Henry’s less than thrilled when Mel shows up with Elvis, a guide dog… which is also how Henry learns about the pending divorce. Awkward. While reluctant to the changes this “big ball of fur” would bring, it’s through the adult Henry’s voice-over (Jason Bateman, “Arrested Development”) that we find out his parent’s split would “allow all of us to finally discover…who we needed to be.”

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… What?

I would read that paragraph again if the it didn’t give me a nosebleed and prematurely knock me out from boredom the first time. What the Hell is happening? And this is a half-hour comedy? A show about all that whatever that was is going to be in a half hour? Whatever.

Maybe I’ll watch an episode because I like Simmons, Posey, and Jason Bateman has a nice voice. But I’m thoroughly against whoever this 11 year old Henry is because he’s anti-dog. If you’re anti-dog – I’m anti-you. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING, SILLY BUTT!

5. SEAN SAVES THE WORLD

Sean (Sean Hayes) is a divorced gay dad who juggles a lot – his successful but demanding career, offbeat employees, pushy mom Lorna (Linda Lavin, “Alice”), and weekends with his teenage daughter, Ellie (Sami Isler). So when his 14-year-old bundle of joy moves in full-time, it’s a whole new world. Never one to do anything halfway, Sean’s intent on being the best dad ever, so he loads up on parenting how-to books and plans Pinterest-worthy family dinners. But it seems his company’s new owner has decided Sean and his team should work longer hours, putting a damper on his homemaking plans and throwing a kink in Sean’s perfectly constructed work/life balance. Ellie, a normal girl who wants to hang with her friends and eat on the run, sees this development as a plus. She loves her dad, but he’s clearly going overboard. From keeping his boss happy, his employees motivated and enduring his mother’s tactless “advice” to raising a smart, grounded and healthy kid, it’s going to be a growing experience, to say the least. But if anyone can handle it all, it’s Sean.

This is apart of NBC’s push to get the actors who didn’t go on necessarily from their hey day in the 90′s and now are repackaging them in new shows. You’ve seen the litany of Matthew Perry shows. Remember before Michael Richards dropped the N-bomb a few dozen times – he had a detective show. A bunch of them have had shows from time to time with Debra Messing on Smash and whatever else I can think of as I type this – Jason Alexander had like two shows! Anyway, so now we’ve got Sean Hayes.

While some of these shows seemed like too much, this seems like too little. I do know that Thomas Lennon from Reno 911 is on the show. Hopefully, he has a huge role because he’s hilarious. Joey! Remember Joey Lawrence’s show?! Wooooo… I thought I forgot about that one.

I’m not expecting to really like this show nor am I expecting it to last that long. It will definitely get a couple seasons though. I mean they gave Joey a few and Whitney a couple and Chelsea Handler an episode or two. Whether it’s good or not, it will get a solid chance I’m guessing.

…

So, NBC is losing 4 half hour comedies and replacing them with Parenthood 2, Revolution 2, The Event 2, … something … and Joey 2.

Doesn’t sound too promising for NBC, Silly Butt.

We do know that Parks and Rec has been renewed. I feel like NBC has to renew Community. They’re losing The Office and they’re chopping away at all their other “comedies”. Just leave Community to its own devices. At some point, someone is going to figure out how to gauge that shows popularity on the internet into a feasible revenue stream.

…

Have fun this weekend, Silly Butt.

Happy Mothers’ Day!

And…

I love you?