And… Happy Black History Month!

Woooooooo!!!! FEB-BREW-WARY!!!

In honor of the first day of Black History Month, I will do two things:

1. I will continue criticizing the Ask Men Top 99 Women of 2012 list because I’m not quitting on that. This really has nothing to do with Black History Month in the slightest, but I am going to continue running through the list. After going through a quarter of the list, I’ve been surprised both good and bad about some of the choices. So far, have there been any outright “NO”s? Paz is probably an outright “no”. I’m not sure if she actually is as she seems, but from what she seems – I’m thinking we can never cross paths and I’ll have little regret to no regret about that. I’m also re-learning something I already knew – I know dick about “fashion models”. I could probably tell you half a dozen Victoria’s Secret models’ names and a baker’s dozen of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models’ names, but besides that I know next to nothing. Although, if I compare that to my working knowledge of current NHL hockey players, I know more models than active hockey players. I know for a fact I couldn’t name 20 NHL players right now. I honestly watch more soccer than hockey at this point in my life. Anyway…

2. In honor of Black History Month, I thought I would something really “black”. I’m trying to narrow down what I should do. Like really black. What’s something that is really really really BLACK that I could do? Hmmmm… any suggestions? … uh huh …. uh huh …. Oh, I got one! It’s perfect! I’m going to go become the PRESIDENT OF THE MOST POWERFUL NATION EVER – NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE! That’s getting pretty black nowadays. Oh… what were you suggesting? Write a freestyle rap album about the NBA? You’re a bunch of racists plus I already did that in November.

ONTO THE LIST!!!!!!!!

So, I went from #99 to #75 last time… let’s scoop out another quarter of the list with snarky criticisms and/or exorbitant praise. Here. We. Go!

#74 – Kreayshawn

No. God, please no. Arguably the last thing I want/need in my life is a gangster rapper girlfriend. I’m 99% positive that Rhianna is on this list near the top and she is a big question mark in her own right and she has to be a billion times more all around attractive than Kreayshawn. I do not want some tatted up bony white chick trying to act all hard and whine at me “Gucci Gucci”. That is absolutely my nightmare.

#73 – Lily Aldridge

She’s a hot model. Ok. I’m certainly not even a member of the same species as Lily, but I feel like they should limit their number of models on these lists. No doubt Kate Upton is on this list somewhere and I’d commit war crimes for her, but she did do the “dougie” at an NBA game. It’s like if you did a list of the top 100 pop songs – you could easily section off a solid 20 of them to The Beatles, but that’s a pretty boring list. Accurate, maybe. But boring. Anyway, Lily is pretty and is married to someone from the Kings of Leon, which is cool I guess. How am I so crabby about models? Am I really becoming cynical about lingerie and bikini models? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!

#72 – Chanel Iman

Again, if you like gorgeous runway models and all. She kind of looks like Zoe Saldana and is similarly skinny. I never heard of her or Lily or some of these other models until I saw them on this list. Same thing I said about Lily minus the stuff about being with someone from Kings of Leon, but plus that she’s got the sexy exotic aspect… and I’m definitely not yelling “CHANEL!” down a street for her. Hmmm… I just looked her up on Wikipedia – she’s from Atlanta? I guess scratch that “exotic” part. Nothing against the A-T-L.

#71 – Adriana Lima

Yeah. I’m not going to pretend like this is just another model. If I had even heard of Lily or Chanel before, maybe I would care more. Meanwhile, Adriana Lima has been a pretty relevant sex symbol for the lion’s share of the 2000′s. What can I say? I’m a pale white, red bearded, suburban raised, Jew with a soft spot for Brazilians.

#70 – Priyanka Chopra

Who is this? A former Miss World who is now a Bollywood actress? Sounds about right. I can tell you a few things about Bollywood: 1. breathtakingly beautiful women, 2. terrible movies, 3. more singing and dancing than a Broadway musical, 4. agonizingly long. I’m sure if I knew who Priyanka was or cared about Miss World or pageants in general, but they’ve stumped me on this. No doubt she’s nice to look at and I’m sure the 1.5 billion in India know her quite fondly, but my New Jersey ass doesn’t know her because she wasn’t in Dhoom 2.

#69 – Cheryl Cole

Yeah, she’s a cutie. Ms. Cole is a big deal for those bangers and mash lovers from across the pond. I know she dances, sings, models, dates/marries (?) famous soccer players, and all that good stuff, but I really only know her from things like this. A picture here, a picture there. Very good looking – congratulations on that. But like Ms. Chopra, she’s not really a big deal in my East Coast world of downloading episodes of Wipeout, watching cagefights and patiently waiting for the fucking Super Bowl.

#68 – Arianny Celeste

Speaking of… Yes. Totally “desirable”. Arianny is one of the UFC’s ring girls and currently the longest tenured one at that. Despite everyone I’ve ever met telling me she’s a bitch and knowing she dates men who seem like douchebags… it is difficult to not find her “desirable”. Just being honest. Who knows? Maybe I can change her, right? Ugh… nope. I couldn’t. I’ll be honest about that too. She would just be a total bitch to me, but for those first 36 hours when I would put up with it… they’d be magical.

#67 – Irina Shayk

If you like gorgeous Russian women the sure. (Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model)

#66 – Aubrey Plaza

Yes. If the 1990′s MTV sardonic cartoon character Daria was real and fucking hot then she would be Aubrey Plaza. Obviously, a talented chick. She’s excellent on Parks and Rec and was one of the better parts of Funny People. She also was in Donald Glover’s Mystery Team as his love interest, which they both were great in. Anyway, funny actress with a ton of potential and seems to have transitioned nicely from being good looking to crazy great looking this past year. I like this choice, Ask Men.

#65 – Olivia Munn

I’m a nerd and I was one of the many who drooled over Olivia Munn weekly on G4′s Attack of the Show. Yeah, she’s sexy and pretty and is a bi-racial angel. On top of that, she was really great on AOTS. She’s funny and I think she’s good at playing crazy and really I think she hasn’t gotten the best shot to prove that to people who didn’t watch her on AOTS. I know she got a gig with The Daily Show for a little bit. I’m not really sure that was the right fit for her, but at the same time I really don’t watch The Daily Show much anymore or the past 5 years. Two in a row, Ask Men. Good job. … … … also, if it wasn’t for her we wouldn’t have heard that story about Rush Hour director Bret Ratner jerking off with shrimp fat to her. I’m hoping she didn’t stay around for the whole thing and promptly walked out. Either way, thanks Olivia.

#64 – Leryn Franco

I actually knew who this sultry lass was. Leryn is/was the 2008 Olympic javelin thrower for Paraguay. Yes, men are perverts and, yes, us perverted men in 2008 went through all the female Olympians and found the hot ones to ogle over on the internet. It wasn’t too hard to isolate Leryn considering she is also a bikini pageant model. So… there’s that. I like this choice since it will be a topical one again with the 2012 Olympics in London getting ready to get going this Summer. Leryn did pretty terrible in Beijing, but she did better than any other female javelin thrower from Paraguay – am I right?! I’m not even sure there are other female javelin throwers in Paraguay, but you have to admit she’s an interesting character – bikini model/Olympic javelin thrower? Certainly, not stupid ass Demi Moore or Kreayshawn.

#63 – Michelle Williams

Oh, most definitely. She’s been “desirable” since 1998 when Dawson’s Creek started. I have never (ever) watched an episode of Dawson’s Creek, but the commercials alone were enough for me to know who Michelle Williams and Katie Holmes were. Although, not long later I did get to know a lot more about Katie (like what her voice sounded like) when I saw and really enjoyed Go! not that long later. As for Michelle, obviously an excellent actress and 14 years later is just as sexy as she was when she was supposed to be the hot chick in high school. Plus that damn look she gives where she looks like she wants to tell you something, but knows she shouldn’t – what is it?! What happened? Did you catch Bradley Cooper kissing Hugh Jackman or something? TELL ME!

#62 – The Daily Girls

Errr… uhhhh… not sure what this is referring to. I think these girls are in videos on Ask Men. Hmmmm… unsure though. One of them is Jessica Chobot apparently who I do know from videogames, AOTS and IGN.com. This is kind of weird they’re grouped together like their a Mormon coven that you get to take home with you. I’m guessing they do have separate lives. Maybe? I don’t know. I will say getting 4 pretty ladies for the price of 1 seems to be an unbelievable move. So sure that’s “desirable”. Might as well throw in the entire XX chromosome cast of Friday Night Lights if we can just group chicks together. Or all the girls who model t-shirts for Snorg tees. I’d absolutely love to know more about them… and yes I do know about the few youtube videos they’ve done trying to introduce us to these mystery girls next door. Either way, they’re possibly my favorite models. Snorg tees!

#61 – Tamara Ecclestone

Do I get all of her money too? This is Tamara and that is real money that she just scrounged up for an impromptu photo shoot. She’s rich for some reason and that’s by far the most alluring thing about her. Besides that she’s pretty much a party girl like the Hiltons as far as I know. Not too into this pick.

#60 – Taylor Swift

I’ve been waiting for this one. Ever since, Adele appeared earlier I was thinking about Taylor. She’s the cutest Lord of the Rings elf ever. I mean this in all sincerity she looks like Legolas’ hot sister or just sister because Orlando looked pretty fetching in those movies. But I was thinking about her with Adele because all of her albums are about these torrid break-ups that seemed to last no longer than it took me to write this critique of this Ask Men list. That’s kind of odd. I know she’s real young and was even younger when she had these relationships with John Mayer, Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner (really?), and Jake Gyllenhall, but c’mon! I mean outside of Jonas, what did she think was going to happen? Seriously, John Mayer? If John Mayer called me up today – even I know that he’s going to use me for sex. That’s this guy’s MO. C’mon, Taylor. Also, how does Taylor Swift date a guy named Taylor? HOW?! How fucking creepy would that be? That’s really not too much of an issue if you were gay, but if you’re dating someone not of your gender and they have the same name as you. On second thought, that would be still creepy to be named George and date a dude named George? Right? Taylor Swift is crazy cute, but if you were out to dinner with her at a restaurant she picked and you ordered a steak medium rare and it came out well-done – there’s at least a 75% chance she’s going to burst into tears thinking the relationship is over.

#59 – Anais Mali

Who the hell are these people?! She’s a runway model – surprise, sur-fucking-prise – and she’s from France and she’s an itty bitty thing who apparently models for Victoria’s Secret. Sweet. I wish her all the best. Next…

#58 – Frieda Pinto

Yes. Of course, yes. She was cast in Slumdog Millionaire to be the prettiest girl in the world. I don’t even remember if she said a word in the damn movie, but her character was an Indian chick a guy would survive torture for and they did a great job casting her. In Immortals, she got naked and boy that was worth the 10$. Yes for Pinto. She should be in every movie.

#57 – Georgia Jagger

The youngest daughter of Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall. She looks like her hot blonde model mom with her dad’s famous big and pronounced mouth. Whatever I said about Zoe Kravitz should similarly apply to Georgia. Obviously, I’ve never met either, but I would pick Zoe over Georgia. I know nothing about Georgia, but Zoe’s an actress and all that good stuff. I feel like I’m learning that Ask Men’s editors and/or owners are British because I don’t think any American knows who the hell Georgia Jagger is off the top of their head. I mean we would guess Mick Jagger’s daughter because we’re clever and all that, us Americans, we did beat the British in one of those funny wars. Zoe > Georgia. I’m guessing…

#56 – Marissa Miller

One of the most famous current working models, Ms. Insanely Good Looking Miller. Yes – “desirable”. I don’t need to go through all of this do I? Sports Illustrated, Victoria’s Secret, she’s got big boobs and isn’t just skin and bones… Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. You would do her. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I’m talking to the women who are reading this. Yes. Yes. Yes.

#55 – Christina Ricci

Yep. I know she’s joked about it, but if there was a “poor man’s” Natalie Portman then Christina Ricci would be it. Ricci is very good looking and is quite the good actress. I have watched way too many Ricci movies over the years, even Pumpkin where she plays a blonde sorority girl who ends up dating a disabled guy – not a bad movie. I’ve been a fan of Ricci’s for years and she’s gone through many looks from curvy to way too skinny from long hair to short and so on and she’s definitely still very “desirable” through it all. And let’s not forget, Black Snake Moan. What an excellent movie that was? Besides Samuel L. Jackson playing the blackest dude ever – it was a solid 10 minutes of Ms. Ricci nekkid. She gets naked I believe in the opening credits or damn close in that movie. Good flick. Honestly, it was pretty decent – kind of random movie. Craig Brewer does not know how to end movies in the slightest. It’s like the ending sneaks up on him more than it does us the viewer. Anyway, definite yes for Ricci. Seriously, The Ice Storm was from 1997 and I think I’ve had an evolving crush on her since then.

#54 – Eva Mendes

Yep. She is a magically attractive lady. I remember fondly the first time I ever saw Eva Mendes. I was just a youth, not even old enough to drink yet, in a theater watching the Shakespearian-esque epic Training Day. Denzel and Ethan came to an apartment door set in a “flavella” in Los Angeles. After a knock on the door from Denzel, the door opens and there is the flawless Eva Mendes and I thought in my naive head, “SCHWING!” or whatever people said back in 2001. I also thought, “Oh Jesus Christ, if you could do one thing for me – could you please have the script call for this woman appear naked?” And thy Lord agreed and an hour later in the movie for no reason than just to have it happen, you see Eva Mendes naked. Miraculous! Yeah, she’s amazing looking and is apparently doing her part in a wonderful charitable effort is having sexual relations with an Asperger’s ridden young actor, Ryan Gosling. It’s just remarkable what she is doing. So, she’s a definite yes.

#53 – Gisele Bundchen

Yeah. I would also be completely open to raising her and Tom Brady’s child(s) as my own. I mean I would push for that. I don’t know how tall Gisele is, but she looks tall meanwhile Tom is like 6’4″ or 6’5″, so this kid(s) are going to be huge. This is also what I’m thinking with Gisele, let’s say she leaves Tom and it’s a messy break-up and then we get together – how cool would that be to watch Gisele rooting for Tom and the Patriots to lose? Honestly, I’m immediately friends with anyone who has nothing against the Steelers and at the same time hates the Patriots. I kind of got off track. Anyway, what in the hell is Gisele wearing? I don’t understand fashion shows at all. I mean is this something you can buy somewhere? I don’t get it. Is it just the black bra that you can buy? I can barely even pay attention to that thing with A.) the pretty much naked Brazilian wearing it, and B.) the other ridiculous shit she’s wearing. What is happening here? Also, what is so special about the bra she’s wearing? I couldn’t tell you that’s for sure. Anyway, I’m sure Gisele will be able to explain all that to me when we’re married “under the sea” dressed like characters from The Little Mermaid.

#52 – Jordana Brewster

Jordan? Jordana? Seems like we’re meant to be together, right? I’m guessing Jordana is our sole resident Panamanian heart throb on this list. She’s a raven haired beauty who has done a lesbian scene in D.E.B.S. which certainly raises my opinion of her and something else, am I right?! Ok. Yeah, Jordana’s “desirable”. I am getting really curious though who is on this list of 99 ladies because I honestly have not skipped forward at all and I’m closing in on the halfway point. Nothing against Jordana, but if I was composing a rival list, I wouldn’t have thought of her. I’m sure she’ll cry herself to sleep at that thought. I also wouldn’t have put a bunch of other ladies that have been on this list on my sacred list. I’m actually really crazy curious if the WANTESS herself is on this list. Anyway… Jordana – you are lovely and I really enjoyed Fast Five.

#51 – Bar Refaeli

Good God. Without a doubt, yes. If I did make a list of my own, Bar would not be in the bottom 50 and would easily be in the top 10. I don’t know about you, but I kind of think Bar is tied for most beautiful creation to ever exist on the planet Earth. The other most beautiful thing to ever exist on the Earth is probably a red panda holding paws with a golden retriever while riding unicorns. I don’t know if that’s actually happened or not, but in my mind it happens ever Tuesday somewhere in that mess we call Eastern Russia. Back to Bar, so she’s basically a Jewish princess from Israel. I know I’ve been on some of these other girls about them having whacky names, I know some might think that “Bar” might fall under that, but it doesn’t because I’m a hypocrite. Any more questions? STOP TRYING TO RUIN OUR HAPPINESS TOGETHER!

#50 – Carey Mulligan

To me, this is just me thinking or typing out loud, but Carey Mulligan looks sort of like Michelle Williams when Michelle is not in movies. Does anyone else see that? It’s probably the hair and their whiteness and Carey looks like shes got a secret too. I don’t know. From complete obscurity to starring in 100 movies with 100 of the biggest actors and directors. Where the fuck did this girl come from? She’s in everything though. I’ve only seen Drive and Public Enemies with her in it and I don’t really remember her doing too much in either. Anyway, I do want to see Shame. Anyway again, she’s cute. I wouldn’t have her on my “list”. I don’t know. She pulls off the pixie hair cut better than most of these other ladies. She looks her best in the upcoming The Great Gatsby. Ok, sure she’s “desirable”.

#49 – Penelope Cruz

Definitely. You would have to be… I don’t know… mentally unstable to not want to grope Penelope Cruz from now until your last dying breath. She hasn’t really had the chance to show it in any American movies I can think of, but Penelope is a good actress. Hmmm… maybe Blow. Anyway, she’s EXCELLENT in Volver. If you don’t like reading subtitles then you are missing out. Learn Spanish or whatever because Volver is a great movie. On the other hand, if you don’t read subtitles you can still appreciate the utter sexfest that is Jamon, Jamon translated to Ham, Ham. Are there really people out there who are against Penelope Cruz? If that’s so… get out of my country! Seriously – get out. Get out of it.

That’s the first 50 of these Ask Men women and I agree with most – there are some that are real head scratchers like the Kreayshawn one. I do not understand that one at all. I’m trying to open-minded about it because I do know that if Lady Gaga appears on this list that I’m saying she’s a yes and I know that some people will think that is insane and not making any sense with how much I’m against Kreayshawn… but all I can say is GET YOUR OWN FUCKING WEBSITE. “Bad Romance” is a modern classic!

Anyway… random guy? How about Javier Bardem aka Cruz’s hombre…

Yeah! Imagine that denim all up on your denim. Just denim on denim. Just grinding away and pulsating and almost to a penetrating level. So much friction, so much passion, so much heavy breathing and then a small brush fire of sex that is quenched by its own juices. Sexy? Ramblings from a lunatic? All of the above.

Until tomorrow…

I woke up today thinking I was going to take on an issue we have all been heavily concerned about for the past 24 hours since its announcement: the Carolina Panthers changing its logo and font. OH. MY. GOD! Can you believe they did it?! Russell Crowe was right in the first 15 minutes of Gladiator when he said, “What happens in life, echos for eternity” or something like that – you know when he’s in the forest running around with his dog and he’s going to kill all the German goths or whatever. Anyway, I couldn’t believe my eyes! Actually, I could. It is exactly what the Detroit Lions did a few years ago. Not too much has changed. They’re still the Panthers, but now it looks like the Panther has Mike Tyson’s face tattoo on his Pather face and the teeth are longer and more curved.

As for the font, it went from WYLD STALLYNS (!!!!) to a Power point presentation font more associated with an arena league team. Remember when Metallica cut their hair? It’s kind of like that… GIVE ME FUEL, GIVE ME FIRE, GIVE ME A BETTER DEFENSE BECAUSE CAM NEWTON’S GOT THE OFFENSE ON LOCKDOWN FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS! GO!

I was planning on talking about that and I just did, so congratu-fucking-lations to me. And you.

But while doing my morning routine of website checking, I saw that Ask Men (a website I never go to) has put out a list of the most DESIRABLE women of 2012.

I found that quite interesting considering we’re on 31 days into a 366 day year (LEAP YEAR, MOFOS!) and they already know the TOP 99 most DESIRABLE women of the next 335 days. That’s extraordinaire. And wildly incorrect. Shouldn’t this list be the “who were the most desirable women of 2011″ considering we’ve seen what happened in 2011 as opposed to in 2012 these women could all become quite undesirable. What if #____ becomes a crack whore? Or votes for Ron Paul? Or gets really into the belief that on December 12th the world is going to end? Or she joins The View? That shit will make her less desirable.

Either way, I am very curious about this list. I know who the number 1 most DESIRABLE woman is of 2012 because she was focus of the article that I clicked on that led me to this link *spoiler alert* it is Sofia Vergara. I can see that. She’s a good choice. But then I clicked on the link to the list and saw who #99 was and was mortified. So who the eff knows is on this list?

Let’s find out together and let’s see if I agree with this list. So, 99 is a lot, which means I’ll do this in parts. If you want to jump ahead and spoil the list for yourself – this is the website = http://www.askmen.com/specials/2012_top_99/

#99 – Paz de la Huerta

Uhhhh… no. I’ve watched two episodes of Boardwalk Empire, which means I’ve seen Paz naked 4 times. Paz has nice boobs and butt, but are we serious about being “desirable”? Any day I spent with Paz would start with a fun 20 questions regarding what symptoms she has to narrow down what maybe incurable STDs and addictions she has. Does that sound “desirable” to you? Out of all the women on this planet (circa 3 BILLION), a girl who has all the tell tale signs of being a diseased substance abuser who just so happens to be on a TV show that is boring is not going to crack the top 100.

#98 – Pippa Middleton

HAHAHAHAHAH… This is why I love shitty magazines/websites et cetera. From the perpetually underwear-less New York party girl “socialite” to the sister of BRITISH ROYALTY. What a list already! Is Pippa “desirable”? More so than Paz. Pippa is very cute and had the nicest dumper at the royal wedding for sure. I would say the most “desirable” aspect of Pippa would be her name and that her sister is BRITISH ROYALTY. The name would be fun for a little while. During the good times, calling out to “Pippa” or talking dirty to “Pippa” would be a change of pace and hilarious. But during the bad times, how can you ever imagine yourself yelling across a room at “Pippa”? If she stormed out of a restaurant, I would really second guess yelling out to her to stop. PIPPA?! WAIT! That would be tough. Of course, if you were hooking up with Pippa, every night would be double date night with the Prince and Duchess. That would be cool.

#97 – Tina Fey

Bam! Mother of two (three?), married, 41 years old – and Ask Men just wants to get into her pantaloons. I agree with them. Definitely a very funny, creative, smart, and successful woman. I’m not sure about should she be further up on the list or any of that (I’m not really going to get into that aspect), but she should be on this list. If her and I would ever end up together, I would have to tell her that Baby’s Mama is one of the least funny movies I’ve ever forced myself to watch. I’m not talking about comedies – just movies in general. Boys Don’t Cry had more humorous moments in that movie than Baby’s Mama. Can’t have a relationship built on lies, Tina.

#96 – Megan Fox

She’s crazy hot. She’s also crazy. She’s getting better though, right? I mean she did laser away her Marilyn Monroe tattoo, which is a step in the right direction. I’m sure most of this list will boil down to looks, but I will agree that you have to worry about a girl’s mental state who has willingly had intercourse with Brian Austin Green for years (!).

#95 – Lana Del Rey

Before her historically bad performance on SNL, I had never heard of her. I’m sure I’ve heard her single on the radio, but I don’t know which one is hers off the top of my head nor do I care. “Desirable”? Not more than the other 3 billion women on this planet. The only thing I really know about her is that she sucked so bad on SNL that Brian Williams (that Brian Williams) had to say something to an NBC exec about it. So, I’m not too hung up on Lana.

#94 – Elizabeth Olsen

Yes. I really liked Martha Marcy May Marlene and I would be surprised if she didn’t have a bright future in Hollywood. Desirable? Yep. She’s got the whole girl next door thing down and she’s got the paranoid/crazy down for the movies. Total agreement on Ms. Olsen.

#93 – Jennifer Lopez

Maybe if this was the Top 99 Women of 2002 and not 2012. No. Jennifer Lopez is a beautiful woman and all, but no she is not a “desirable” woman. Seriously? Anything Marc Anthony touches with his doodle stick, I do not want. If he just grazed his penis over a brand new Ferrari for 5 seconds, but then afterward I could have the Ferrari – I would not keep that Ferrari. That would go on eBay immediately. I could never keep or drive around in that thing knowing that he touched it with his dilsnick. Also, isn’t Jennifer Lopez a few years away from being just as crazy as Paula Abdul is right now? No on Lopez.

#92 – Adele

Uhhhh… “desirable”? She is very talented. I really like that album 21 and all, but she sounds like she comes with a lot of baggage. I feel like if I didn’t text her back within 20 minutes that when I come home she’s belting out some new tune she just penned about the fire, the rain, the rage, and the silence of our relationship. I don’t know if “desirable” is how I would refer to Adele at this moment. Like right after Alanis Morrissette penned Jagged Little Pill, I wouldn’t have touched that with a 10 foot pole. That’s a scary woman right there. But after some time passes and they cool down some, they yeah let’s hang out and get a smoothie or whatever. Also, I don’t know how she would feel about it, but we would have to have sex to her albums always. That might not be a situation she wants to be in, but it would have to happen. Also, all dirty talk would be a play on her song titles – I’ll roll you in the deep, alright.

#91 – Alessandra Ambrosio

If you’re into gorgeous Brazilian women then sure. (Victoria’s Secret model)

#90 – Berenice Marlohe

If you’re into gorgeous French women then sure. (Next Bond girl in the forthcoming Skyfall)

#89 – Lake Bell

Yes. I was certainly no fan of the recently removed How To Make It In America, but Lake Bell was on it and last year she got naked on it. Sweet mother of God. She is a good looking woman who looks even better naked, but I will add Lake without a doubt to the desirable list because she is on Adult Swim’s Children’s Hospital. She can do comedic acting well, but she’s just hired to a lot of bad comedy movies and shows. She’s played the wacky/funny best friend to a main character chick in a lot of movies where if the guy really had the choice he would much rather have her than the main chick.

#88 – Emilia Clarke

Yes. Do you watch Game of Thrones?!!!! Man and women alike are desiring Emilia as Daenerys. She’s a great looking, she’s great on the show, and – are we even joking here? – talk about living out fantasy/roleplay in the bedroom with the Mother of Dragons. I’ve read like 6000 pages of George RR Martin’s bullshit sword and sorcery, so the living embodiment of Daenerys is a must. You women and your Team Jacob and Team Edward – well any dude who knows about The Starks and The Great Wall in the North are certainly desiring Emilia Clarke.

#87 – Madalina Ghenea

If you’re into gorgeous Romanian women then sure. (Apparently, a model that Leonardo DiCaprio slept with – is that what it takes to make this list?)

#86 – Jessica Chastain

Yeah and she will be for years to come. I don’t see the deluge that is Jessica Chastain in every movie ever slowing down anytime soon. I still need to see Tree of Life, but she’s been good in the other movies. Obviously, she’s a good looking lass too. I keep hearing people say that redheads are going extinct, but if anything over the past few years I’ve seen more redheads in movies and TV than I’ve ever seen before. Anyway, yeah, Chastain is a keeper.

#85 – Maria Menounos

Sure. Beautiful woman. Steadily employed. Greek, right? Why not? She also seems to be smiling and giggling a lot of the time, which is good. I’m not looking for any deadly serious people in my life. When shit gets serious, people get serious, but when it is everyday life and you’re interviewing the 3rd lead of the new CBS sitcom then you should be loose and happy because that shit is not serious.

#84 – Camilla Belle

She’s hot, I’ll give her that. She supposedly stole Joe Jonas from Taylor Swift – that’s what I just read in her bio on the site. Is that the most noteworthy thing about Camilla? Jeez. Well, she’s hot. I’ve seen her in a couple of movies. The one that sticks with me is 2005′s The Quiet, which is a weird and not so good movie, but it’s very very very difficult to turn off a movie where there is a lot of sexual tension between Camilla and Elisha Cuthbert. Man they tease the shit out of them getting down in that movie. They do kiss at some point, but the other 90 minutes is a lot of teasing and then there is some weird incest stuff in the movie that is quite uncomfortable… and a hot iron. Hmmm… how bad do you want to see The Quiet right now?! Anyway, she’s pretty and she’s from Brazil.

#83 – Zoe Saldana

Very good looking and is in a lot of movies. I haven’t seen Colombiana, but I really want to, but I’ve heard it is terrible – so that has been steadying my hand about seeing it. Anyway, she’s pretty and she was in Star Trek. I will say that she’s too skinny. My thigh is thicker than any part of her entire body. Plus, I eat. I will eat in front of you. At some point, that might become a problem if she isn’t eating as well. I do like Zoe though and wish her the best in her acting and I will lust from the sidelines about sexing her and filling her with bacon cheeseburgers.

#82 – Sunny Leone

WOW! Was not expecting that! But YES! Pornstar Sunny Leone. Apparently, Sunny was on the Indian version of Big Brother… what-the-fuck-ever. This may be counter-intuitive for some of you and it may be hypocritical, but c’mon… she seems to be quite good at her day job of being a pornstar and she’s not that filthy of a pornstar either. Pornstars are simply an exception to most rules. Also, in the bio they really don’t mention her porn – they say she’s done work for Penthouse… uh huh and also there are these videos on the internet where she takes a man’s penis and puts it in her holes. I mean that’s something she’s done as well. Anyway, yes to Sunny.

#81 – Elsa Pataky

Yeah. Elsa was born in Madrid, speaks 5 languages, has a journalism degree, and the top of her titty is peaking out in that unbelievable picture of her. Wow. Yeah, she’s a very beautiful woman. She’s currently have sexual relations with Thor, which makes a lot of sense – DAMN YOU, THOR! You may also remember Elsa as the way too good looking Brazilian cop in Fast Five, which was undoubtedly one of the most entertaining films from 2011. Desirable? Yes.

#80 – Demi Moore

So, I’m guessing this article wasn’t written in the past week. Demi Moore is a good looking woman still, but no. She’s been going nutso recently and is taking whip-its or something. I don’t know about Demi anymore. Plus, am I the only who thinks Courtney Cox has completely taken over Demi’s celeb identity?

#79 – Caroline Wozniacki

Yes. I’ve talked before about my affinity for the female athlete and Caroline was involved in that. She’s pretty and crazy good at tennis. I think I would be a great female athlete’s boyfriend/husband/love-uh. I’d go to these tennis matches or golf outings or volleyball games or MMA cagefights with bells on and would cheer my proverbial nuts off. I would also make no bones about my willingness to throw down with the significant other of her opponent to defend my lady’s honor. What did you say?! I’m coming over there! That serve hit the line, motherfucker! ACE, bitch! You want some of this?!

#78 – Rose Byrne

She’s good looking. She was good in Bridemaids. But if we’re comparing – and I guess I am – then I think Lake Bell is more “desirable” than Rose, but what the fuck do I know. I was just poking some fun at Rose yesterday with that outfit at the SAG awards. She is Australian, which means there’s a high percentage chance she likes to drink and get wild when she drinks, which is cool. Yeah – why not.

#77 – Zoe Kravitz

Pretty random. She’s also quite good looking. She comes from pretty good looking stock of Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet. How could that not be fun? I mean hanging out with Lenny Kravitz has to rule, plus I’m Jewish so he and I would have that connection going. I would ask him to teach me “Are you gonna go my way?” on whatever instrument he feels like it. If I had a bucket list then playing that song alongside Lenny and Tom Jones would be near the top of it. Plus Lisa Bonet is pretty wild herself and is currently all handsy with Drago from Game of Thrones. So, yeah – Zoe Kravitz. So, basically dating Zoe would be to me a lot like dating Pippa Middleton. Who would’ve guessed that 20 minutes ago?

#76 – Kate Moss

Nope. Not for me at least. Have at her fellas, I’ve never been a Kate Moss type of guy. I’ll sit here and think more about Zoe, Lenny, and possibly the Welsh Tom Jones.

#75 – Olga Fonda

If you’re into gorgeous Russian women then sure. (Supposedly, an actress.)

Whew… that was only to #75?! Felt like I went through all 99 of them.

Like I said, I’ll do the rest throughout the week. I feel only sort of bad that I’ve only posted pictures of chicks, so I’ll throw in a shot of #81′s man… THOR (in my head, he has no other name – he’s just THOR)…

Oh yeah, men are sooooo shallow. I’m sure Thor over here speaks 5 languages and has journalism degree as well.

Thor’s got a million times better taste than his brother with Miley.

Until tomorrow…

Happy Monday, y’all! Y’all -readers that is. Happy Monday, which is the start of the working week and happy seeing your dumbass co-workers again! Wooooo! Man that must be fun. You had two days of vacay with seeing their stupid ass mugs, but now they’re live and in color (not a race joke) and they look just as dumbass as you remember from last week. Wooo!!! Life is good, am I right?

Well, my weekend went something like this – filled myself full of steak and red wine, passed out, filled myself full of eggs/bacon/toast/hash browns, passed out, filled myself with champagne, filled myself with cornish game hens aka tiny chickens, watched many men try to unsuccessfully kill each other in a cage, passed out, filled myself with buffalo chicken and tater tots, sort of passed out, filled myself with barbecue, watched the WWE’s ROYAL RUMBLE for the first time since high school and then passed out and now I’m here with y’all and it was a good weekend. Boom. Top that.

Today’s post as mentioned in the title is about ANOTHER FUCKING AWARDS SHOW!!!! And it’s not an awards show for people who helped anyone with anything at all. It’s another awards show for a bunch of the richest and prettiest people on the planet who live in a fantasy land of no work, all the spoils, and literally every 5 days someone throws them a lavish event where they have a 10% chance of WINNING AN AWARD! We really need to take this celebrity idolatry down a notch. There is honestly 150 award shows a year regardless of whether or not there is anything to award these people about. There should really be only an award show once every 4 years like the Olympics. Make it that whatever the actor accomplished in the past 4 years of movies is judged against another set of actors and what they’ve been doing in the past 4 years. Giving these people awards for every fucking movie they make is absolutely ridiculous. What does it all mean anyway? Is George Clooney in the month of June better than Johnny Depp in June and Ryan Gosling in June? Well he might be, so let’s make an award about it and give it to him – it’s the Guild of America’s Pretty Rich and Rich and Pretty People’s Award for Best Acting in a Movie that We All Agreed To Watch On Netflix Streaming This Week!!! YEAH!!!! And it’s on TNT because they “know” “drama”!

On Sunday night, while I was busy watching professional wrestlers beat each other about the head and chest for 3 hours, there was the 18th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards and I didn’t watch a single second of them and I couldn’t careless who won or was nominated or anything. If I cared about an acting award it would be the Oscars, but I don’t even care about that award. Anyway, the one nice thing that all awards shows have is the RED CARPET and with that these people dress up – some looking nice and some look terrible – and it is our obligation to tear them apart or give them our metaphorical bonerz of approval. So here we go! Red Carpet! An awards show I’ve never watched in all 18 anniversaries of it! Wooo!

First up are the four actresses from The Help and I’m honestly tired as shit hearing about them, but I’ll post their pictures because they seem like lovely people outside of the brainwashing Hollywood is doing on all of us that this movie isn’t a whiter and less good version of The Color Purple…

There’s this one…

That one…

Hachi-machi one…

And the other redhead…

They all look good, so let’s move on.

I heard this was a concept couple’s costume with Brad Pitt playing the role of ranger Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings books and Angelina is one of the made up elves that the The Lord of the Rings‘ movies have felt to add to these wonderful stories for whatever reason like Evangeline Lily’s character or that Legolas is even in The Hobbit. I believe Angelina is supposed to be the evil elf princess Talleel who Aragorn convinced to join the good guys by deep dicking her with his penis or maybe he showed her the true king’s sword Andruil or the penis in the vagina thing. I forget. It was so long ago that I didn’t read that.

What’s your secret, Sugar? Michelle, Michelle. She said something about wanting to reclaim her sexuality or something with that Marilyn Monroe movie that no one bothered seeing. I’m excited about this because Michelle Williams used to get topless and was a blonde sex symbol and why not bring that back. I’m just disappointed that Busy Phillips isn’t in this picture with her. I love seeing the two of them gal pal around because it makes it that much easier to imagine the two of them getting lezie or lezy in my head movies.

Hahah… hohohoh… heheheh… look at me! I wore my drapes as a dress. How hysterical is that?! No one would’ve guessed it, but I just threw on the drapes and this medieval belt and I’m good to go to the awards show and when I win the award – which I always do – I will act fluttered as if this has never happened before and in my wildest dreams could have never prepared for this moment at all. Me?! I won?! You’re kidding me?! I mean I’ve 17 other SAG awards, I could never get over the excitement and the confusion it would cause to win an 18th! Look at me! I’m so silly.

Honestly, though, Meryl – if you’re reading this. I’m in love with all three of your daughters and would like to ask for their hands in marriage.

Fuck. I hate you, George Clooney. I hate you!

In this dress/hair, Stacy Keibler looks like the hot Brazilian wife on Homeland. I already thought Stacy was gorgeous, but it’s like she’s morphed with another gorgeous woman and so basically she’s evolving is what I’m saying. She’s a sexy predator. Who cares about Clooney and his ok movie The Descendants… Ms. Keibler was a Nitro Girl when I was in high school and I remember downloading shitty jpegs of her for… hmmmm… “research” purposes. It’s crazy to see where she has gone in her career from Nitro Girl to Miss Hancock to Stacy Keibler to Dancing with the Stars to boning George Clooney. Well done, Stacy. Well done.

I won’t lie Stacy was not my “favorite” Nitro Girl. I was partial to Fire or Fyre or whatever. She was a redhead with big boobs. Also, Diamond Dallas Page’s lady was a Nitro Girl and she had appeared in Playboy or Penthouse so there were nudes of her, which were easy to “research” to. But once Stacy became Miss Hancock… all bets were off. Good LORD! I love pro-wrestling!

Very cute. I actually do like this dress and like it especially on her because apparently she is actually her character in The Descendants in real life. Shailene running around that movie in a bikini is hands down the best part of that movie The Descendants through and through. The rest – you can keep. There are a lot better George Clooney movies out there and a lot better Alexander Payne movies out there. As for Shailene and her bikini, that was worth watching.

Uuuuhhh… I’m Jonah Hill… uuuhhhh… can I sit at the cool kids table now… uuuhhh…  please like me… uuuuhhhh…

I kind of did that above “sentence” in my head as a white Steve Urkel.

Don’t worry, Jonah. I’ll go see 21 Jump Street.

I like it. I think this is the best Kristen Wiig has looked at an awards show. At the same time, I really only remember one other awards show she was at and she dressed like Bjork at it, so this was an easy win for her. Either way, I do like this. I like the collar a lot. Adds a level of sexiness to Kristen’s look here. It’s making me think Kristen’s looking for some action this evening. Maybe wearing a sexy pair of panties as well… panties… or no panties… which is kind of unsanitary, but sexy. Butt sexy. Hmmmm… I’ve enjoyed this time with you, Kristen.

Also, go see MacGruber if you haven’t. I’m guessing you haven’t seen it because there are only like 54 people who have seen it. That movie is hilarious.

Where as Kristen Wiig is LOOKING for sex, Melissa McCarthy is GETTING some sex.

We all saw Bridesmaids and her husband in real life is the air marshal guy from the movie and the two of them had sex after and possibly right before the SAG awards. Maybe during. I’m not sure if he was there. But Melissa McCarthy is dressed up, looking good and, on top of that, she’s crazy successful now. A CBS show and a multi-award nominated movie. She’s probably hornier than I was in high school watching Monday night wrestling every time Miss Hancock stepped through the ropes of a Nitro ring. So… her hubbie at this point is more or less a living/breathing sex toy who needs to be ready at all times.

I’m just saying that’s how I picture things over my morning coffee.

Awww, Rose – what did you do to yourself? This is bad, Rose. Bad!

For all of you who watch/ed, 30 Rock – do you remember Emily Mortimer’s character that went out with Alec Baldwin, but she was the most fragile woman in the world where she couldn’t be touched or eat anything because everything in her just broke all the time because she was that delicate? Yeah, right? That’s what Rose looks like here and it’s not the best because that character was a joke for a TV show and this looks like real life. Rose – please get back to looking more like you from before you looked like this.

What’s up, Christopher Plummer? You’re 82 years old and I believe women would sleep with you. I don’t remember if I had you on my list of 50 over 60, but I should if I didn’t.

Oh yeah, and congrats on the awards or whatever.

That is not the real Tilda Swinton. Actually, looks can be quite deceiving – that is a cardboard cutout of Tilda Swinton. She sadly could not make it to the awards show, so they made this up pretty quickly and no one at all seemed to notice. That’s just some behind-the-scenes knowledge I dropped on you.

Hey there, Frenchie. I hope you win every award and I hope your movie wins every award and I hope the rest of Hollywood goes buttfucks themselves with pool cues for not nominating any of the movies I thought should have been nominated like 50/50, Drive, Cedar Rapids and whatever else. Seriously, I hope the French sweep the Oscars because fuck the Oscars.

Oh yeah, where’s the mutt? You’re an attractive Frenchman and all, but I want to see the dog, Uggie, and I want to see him do the cutest tricks that that dog does. GET HIM NOW!

Bonjour, pretty French lady.

This awards show is boring, so I’m going to put in this comment space instead a video of WWE’s Brodus Clay’s – the “Funkasaurus” – entrance. I love this man…

Voila!

Armie Hammer is a good looking man who is hopefully procreating with this good looking woman.

Did you read that Armie was recently stopped I think in Texas with marijuana? Why isn’t he in jail? That’s my question. Actually, I’m glad he’s not in jail. He’s a good actor. Plus, could you imagine what they would do to this guy in jail? Seriously?! He’s so handsome it must be hard for free men not to try and butt rape him.

I did skip some pictures. There was a bad one of Glenn Close and there was a boring one of Emily Blunt who is a beautiful lady, but it was a boring picture and then there was Zoe Saldana who for some reason was wearing a white mu-mu or something.

Judy Greer. I’m a big fan of Judy Greer especially her work on Archer, which is one of the best shows ever on ever.

Anyway, she was on Conan a few weeks ago and looked crazy sexy… so instead of looking at her in this dress… let’s take a peek over here…

Hmmm… small picture. Well, just look up Judy Greer on Conan. Shouldn’t be too difficult to find. Christ do I have to do everything for you?!

Hello, Tina. I’m not a fan of this dress. I do usually like what Tina’s wearing because usually she’s got some cleavage to a lot of cleavage going. Zip on the cleavage here. Seeing a lot of shoulders, which is cool and all, but let’s get a look at the girls. If you want us to ogle you then dress appropriately.

Good fucking Jews for Jesus! Lea Michelle wants IT. She really wants IT. Am I the only one who feels like she is undressing me with her eyes? I mean for you. I feel like she is undressing whoever she is looking at – in this case you and in my case me – with her eyes and her slightly opened mouth. This is almost obscene. Is this what Glee is about? I might need to start watching that show. Jeebus. How on Earth is she not in every movie just fucking? Honestly. I do not understand Hollywood at all. She was in Spring Awakening, which was all about boning and she gets at the very least topless in that. I imagine it wouldn’t be too difficult to coerce her away from Glee and into a slew of R rated movies. If she wants to sing in the movies then let her, but have her singing naked.

Sofia Vergara.

It doesn’t matter what I say here because you are already too busy imagining yourself doing the dirty all over this fine lady.

So… take your time.

I’ll meet you at the next picture.

…

..

.

Jane Lynch – always looking good at these awards shows. I’ve done several these red carpet posts and she’s always dressed great. Don’t know what else to say. I don’t know if she has a stylist or maybe she’s just a rational human being compared to the rest of these nitwits or she has a functioning mirror and she’s not color blind. Whatever it is, Jane should help some of the other ladies out. Start with Rose Byrne then move on to the others.

Jessica Lange… 50 over 60.

Playing the role of the White Swan Queen is…

Kaley Cuoco from the belly button or so (before the feathers or whatever that is starts) looks great. She also looks like a figure skater from the waist up, but that certainly works for me and my fetishes. Are you telling me that every 4 years that you don’t fall in lust with competitors for the individual women’s Olympic figure skating? You’re a liar if you’re saying no.

Awwww – Busy?! What did you do, Busy?! This is an awards show, not Lilith Fair.

Lord only knows why Ashlee Simpson was at the SAG awards, but she’s got a Black Swan thing going, so I would definitely be cool with seeing her wrestle Kaley and throw in Stacy Keibler to make it a triangle match for my heart.

And finally… as I’m winding down on these pictures and skipping bunches of them…

I have two awards of my own to give…

The first goes to…

“Holy eff you’re hot and I have no idea who you are or what you do at all” award goes to … looking for name … NAYA RIVERA!

Wooooo!!! Go Naya! As mentioned you are attractive and also mentioned I don’t have a clue who you are, so keep on doing what you’re doing or actually do more of it, so you may pop up on my radar and not just be a random person in a gallery of random people. She looks majestic in this dress. She also looks really busty in this dress. Two things I love in women. Boobs and majesticism.

And the ultimate award goes to…

BLOSSOM!

What was the award? The award was for being Blossom on Blossom! I can’t fucking believe I watched that show when I was a kid. Seriously? Who the fuck names a kid “Blossom” and then makes a TV show about a kid named “Blossom”? Have you ever met a “Blossom” in your life? I know for damn sure I haven’t. I hate when people say, “TV used to be better”. Yeah? When? When Blossom was on? Because that would be false. Her best friend’s name was Six. SIX?! What in the fuck were these people smoking?

I don’t even know what to tell you besides TV was always terrible and I’ve always watched it and will continue to.

What else is there to do? Read?! Get a hobby?! Pffffttt… I’d rather hear about Blossom’s shitty day at school

I hope you had a great weekend. Feel free to tell me about it.

Again, you somehow made it. You somehow made it to the end of this week without succumbing to the world’s chaos and/or eating yourself into a coma on pancakes and syrup. It’s difficult to make it through each week when both of those options are readily available to us at all times. We have the freedom to chose to eat pancakes until our untimely demise and seriously that option plagues me every waking second of my life. I imagine it does for you as well. I can think of 10 places within 3 miles of where I’m sitting that makes pancakes and a couple of them are open almost 24 hours a day. So it’s a struggle.

Either way, we made it. We made it together. We are survivors!

Anyway… I’m not sure what I’m talking about anymore or what to talk about anymore.

I feel like the weeks news is non-existent. What is happening anymore?! The Republican nominee race is still going on and is still Romney’s race to lose and is still funny, but sort of crazy boring at the same time. Everyone getting so hyped on Newt was just like them getting hyped on Ron Paul or Santorum or Herman Cain or Bachmann or Pawlenty or any of the other people they got hyped on until the next week when they forgot about them and moved on to the next person. I mean for three days there before New Hampshire people were getting hyped on Jon Huntsmen and 4 months prior to that people were getting hyped on him as the guy that no one had ever heard of and in the end no one still has never heard of him. It’s a 24 hour news cycle so you fill the gaps as best you can. Oh yeah, we found an esoteric straw poll orchestrated by some .com that asked “which candidate would you vote for if you voted on likeability mixed with best hair and who you would think would be tough on Congress and enjoy watching an episode of Three’s Company?” Well, maybe Rick Perry wins there and then Wolf Blitzer does 15 hours on that and you get tricked into think Rick is even in the race or had a shot at winning the race at any point.

Seriously, there was a few week stretch in 2007 that John McCain was running against the judge from Law & Order and people honestly believed the judge had a shot. Are you people nuts?!

Anyway… that’s still happening.

It’s Friday and Friday means… not much. There are not too many new movies out there worth seeing if you’re planning on going to the theaters. There is still Haywire, which I recommend for Gina and not really for the rest of the movie. Of the new movies coming out, Man on a Ledge looks to be the best because I cannot think of anything else coming out today. So, Friday might be best served getting good and drunk until you cannot remember Friday or what happened throughout the week.

As for Saturday…

CAGE FIGHTS!!!!!!!!!

LIVE ON FOX!!!!!

AT 8PM ON THE EAST COAST AND 5PM ON THE WEST COAST AND SOMETIME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COUNTRY!!!!

There will be at the very least THREE FIGHTS LIVE AND FREE ON FOX.

The fights are…

Demian Maia vs. Chris Weidman

Middleweights! 185 pounders! Demian is a Brazilian gentleman with a good deal of experience who has previously fought for his weight class’ title. He is primarily a submission grappler with his blackbelt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu, but he has been improving his stand-up by leaps and bounds. Chris Weidman is a former NCAA Division I national champion wrestler from Hofstra University. He is young in the sport of MMA, but is undefeated and has shown amazing submission grappling in his short career. Weidman stepped up to take this fight on less than two weeks notice as Maia was originally scheduled to face someone else on this card who is in this next fight…

Chael Sonnen vs. Michael Bisping

Middleweights! Again! Two of the mouthiest dudes in the UFC will square off in a title eliminator match meaning that whoever wins will get to fight for the middleweight belt against Anderson Silva later this year. Bisping was set to face Maia, but Sonnen’s originally opponent Mark Munoz dropped out of the fight due to injury. Now it is the loud mouth Brit Bisping against the even louder mouthed American Sonnen. Bisping has an incredible record in MMA, won the Ultimate Fighter crown in season 3, and is known for his speed and kickboxing. Sonnen is a grinder, a highly decorated wrestler for the University of Oregon, and he was within in a couple of minutes of winning the belt from Anderson Silva two years ago. These two are sound bite machines and are fighting for a shot at the title, so it should be great. Also, they’re both not used to the switch in opponent, so that’s interesting as well.

And the main event…

Rashad Evans vs. Phil Davis

Light-Heavyweights! 205 pounders! Rashad has only lost once in his career at that loss cost him the UFC light-heavyweight championship that he had recently won. With a win over Phil Davis, Rashad will get another title shot against the current champion Jon Jones who he has legitimate beef with as they used to be friends/training partners. Rashad is a former collegiate wrestler out of Michigan State, but his best skill in MMA is his powerful strikes. He has earned knockouts with his fists, feet, knees and so forth. As for Phil Davis, he is a former NCAA Division I national champion wrestler from Penn State University who has quickly gone 9-0 in MMA and has shown wild abilities for a fighter so young in his career. He is big, strong, athletic and a win over Rashad would be monumental. It is not guaranteed that if Phil wins he will get to fight Jon Jones, but depending on how he wins he might get that shot. Either way, if Davis wins then he is not far from a title shot at all.

…

I’m fucking PSYCHED!!!!!

The fights are in Chicago at the United Center where the Bulls play and all that good stuff.

…

What else?

That was your Saturday night – drinking, eating, boner poking and CAGEFIGHTS.

As for Sunday… I’m legitimately planning on getting the ROYAL RUMBLE on PPV.

I always loved the Royal Rumble and with no football until next week, I will be entertainment-less come Sunday evening.

I’m planning on getting it. I haven’t watched a WWE PPV in at least a year. I had gotten the past two Wrestlemania’s before that. The ones highlighted by Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker’s match.

With the UFC fights on for free, I may be spending some bucks on the WWE this weekend.

…

What else?

Well, there was this I saw…

Kristen Stewart wants IT.

It also looks like she GOT IT in this picture.

Like she GOT IT like a couple seconds ago and now she’s reveling in it.

Either way, wants IT and gots IT … that chick is doing something with IT.

I hope you have a great weekend.

I love you, long time.

I’m kind of having a writer’s block moment because I haven’t at all thought about what I want to write about today. Some days I have things prepared and some days I wake up expecting the internet to provide for me something to rant and rave about. Today, I woke up with no previous issue I felt like discussing and the internet is as bland as ever. By “bland” I mean all the wild shit happened yesterday and I feel like I’m treading on well-worn territory because if I’ve seen it on the interweb then I believe you’ve seen it on the interweb. That’s really how it goes. I’m purely subjective in that regard. If I’ve seen it, you’ve seen it and if it is a day old then it’s shit to me. But that all changes today.

Today’s post will be about two things I’m guessing you have already seen…

The first is… an optical illusion…

And the directions are as follows…

1. Stare at the red dot on the woman’s nose for 30 seconds.

2. Turn your eyes to a plain surface (your ceiling or blank wall).

3. Blink repeatedly and quickly!

Did it work?!

BEYONCE GHOSTS ARE HAUNTING ME!

This is what Blue Ivy or Ivy Blue’s life must be like. Blink your eyes and there’s Beyonce. Blink again and there she is again.

I enjoyed this optical illusion mostly because it worked. Sure, Beyonce is an attractive frappucino, but I can/do look at Beyonce pictures without needing to do all this staring and blinking nonsense. Some optical illusions never work for me. My eyes will not do what the directions tell me to have them do. I will emphatically affirm…

I, Jordan Newmark, have never successfully saw anything in a Magic Eye picture. Never. Not once.

Do you know how frustrating that was? Especially, during the time period I grew up in. I mean there are things that I would love to change if given a second chance at this life with the help of the almighty. First – I would never see a single horror movie ever. What was the point in all those sleepless nights? Seriously?! They weren’t even good movies. Second – get laid in high school. That would have been nice. I’m just saying. Third – Seeing one fucking Magic Eye rocket ship or rocking horse or black lab puppy or whatever the fuck I was supposed to see in that mess of zig zag colored lines. From like 1st through 5th grade there wasn’t a week I was alive where I didn’t run across a Magic Eye and at no point did I even see half an arm of a cowboy or a wheel of a school bus. Literally, it was a maddening experience that brought about the earliest onset of cynicism and a well-known feeling of disappointment in my ownself as well as life in general. I don’t see a shoe! You see a shoe?! All I see is a Frank Zappa tripping balls designed wallpaper and I’m furious about it.

I was good at finding Waldo. Not like championship level good, but I found him.

Outside of that, what else is there?

Miley Cyrus drunk as shit vulgarly pantomiming the fellation of a big black cock cake.

Sounds about right.

If you could avert your eyes from the sweet tea vodka soaked open mouth of Miley for a moment – you’ll notice that below the cake says “Happy Birthday Liam”. And you guessed it, Liam is not a nickname for Miley. Liam is actually referring to Liam Hemsworth the young actor who will appear in Hunger Games and is currently dating the Lady Cyrus.

Can we get a better and more awful looking shot?

Yeah, she’s a keeper.

Apparently, Hemsworth is from Australia and that is a continent island full of crazy people, but even they have to be a little disturbed by Miley. Besides Miley who is seriously about one second from performing the best rim job on a cake ever for an AVN award, the chunk of cake missing out of the BBC’s head is disturbing. It’s as if this BBC was riddled with staph infection and it is attacking its fireman’s helmet first, which is absolutely a nightmare of mine. Also, I would like to note that this cake appears to be circumcised. I too am circumcised and in all honesty couldn’t be happier about it. I have never handled an uncircumcised penis myself, but from what I’ve seen it looks… disgusting. If your penis could look “retarded” then an uncircumcised penis looks retarded. I’m just saying given the option between having bananas that are always and forever peeled for you to having to always having to peel a greasy banana – well, I think that the decision is obvious. Have a happy lunch on that one.

From Liam’s perspective, I bet this was the first time some of his friends were meeting Miley.

I mean Liam is a famous guy in some circles (little girls), but Miley Cyrus is crazy famous and I would doubt people haven’t heard her name for good and/or bad reasons.

So…

Liam? Is your girlfriend here? I haven’t met her yet. I don’t even know if I’ve ever met a celebrity as famous as Miley Cyrus.

Yes, she’s here. She’s actually right there…

Oh. Hi! I’m Liam’s friend from grade school. We grew up together.

I don’t think she can hear you over the dubstepped version of Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”.

Right. She’s cute. Does she always have her finger in her mouth?

Not always, but it’s often enough that I could see how you could get that mistaken.

Where’s she going?

Oh. To get a drink.

She loves to drink.

It’s an awfully big drink.

She loves to drink awfully big drinks.

That’s fun sometimes.

Yeah, sometimes.

She seems to be taking that drink straight down all by herself.

Yeah, she’s pretty good at that.

High tolerance?

Not really.

But she can handle herself pretty well when she’s drinking that much?

Not really.

What could possibly happ-

AHHHHH!!!!! THAT’S MY NIGHTMARE!!!! IT HAS COME ALIVE IN FRONT OF MY VERY EYES!!!! MY PENIS RAVAGED BY DISEASE AND A DRUNK POP SINGER THREATENING TO CASTRATE ME WITH A SERVING KNIFE!!!! WHY LORD HAVE YOU MADE THIS A REALITY?!!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO CHANGE AND I WILL DO IT!!! ANYTHING, BUT MORE OF THIS SWEET MERCIFUL YET DEEPLY DISTURBED LORD!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!

I should probably step in and get that knife from her.

Yeah, sorry about freaking out there, but yes you should.

- end scene -

Well, I think that about wraps it up for today.

My work is done.

And by “hump on”, I mean drinking Keurig coffee and typing up hilarious movie previews for a bunch of anonymous page clickers. So basically every week day I’m getting my “hump on”. Either way, Happy Hump Day. Hump something or someone.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUKC UFKC FUKCUADKFUCK ASDFUKCUFKCUFKFDSUAFASDFASDFasd]f

I wrote this whole fucking post of 2500 some odd words and fucking WordPress dicked me over and logged me out and never saved any of it and now it is all gone. The only thing it saved was that hump day shit up there and the posters. I fucking hate hate hate this fucking site.

I fucking hate people forever now. Now you’ll get an express version of this bullshit.

FUCK!!!!!!!

THE VOW

50 First Dates?! AGAIN?!!!!

Not seeing this.

THIS MEANS WAR

Not sold on Reese Witherspoon anymore. She’s a step up from Jen Aniston, but would rather have Rachel McAdams in this role. I am looking forward to the movie because it does look pretty fun. I have my fingers crossed that the conclusion of the movie will be a staring contest during a Devil’s threeway and whoever blinks first loses.

They should remake this movie next year with Channing Tatum as the Reese Witherspoon role and that right there is your Oscar for Slash fan fic. Plus I think Tom Hardy may be more into chasing around Channing than Reese.

GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE

Are you kidding me? I can’t believe they actually went on and made this movie. If you see this movie in theaters then we’re not friends anymore.

THE SECRET WORLD OF ARRIETTY

If you like Howl’s Moving Castle or Spirited Away then see this movie. If not then don’t because it is the exact same movie as those two.

If you’ve never seen any of those movies or the other movies from this director then see Princess Mononoke because it rules and then move on.

ACT OF VALOR

Interesting twist on things have real Navy Seals play Navy Seals instead of hiring mediocre actors like Carlos Estevez aka Chuck Sheen to play them. This movie should’ve come out in November alongside Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 and Battlefield 3 and it would have been a huge success. Back then all the 18-34 dudes were in a never ending cycle of playing the game, eating pizza, masturbating, playing the game, eating pizza, masturbating and if this movie was in theaters they would’ve hit the pause button for 90 minutes to see it. It won’t do near the business now than it would have in the second week of November. But I’ll still see it.

GONE

This looks terrible. Do you like Kiss the Girls? Do you want to see a horrible version of Kiss the Girls? Then you got your wish.

Not seeing this.

GOOD DEEDS

Whether Tyler Perry is dressed as himself or an angry black grandmother, if you haven’t seen his other movies why would you see this? It’s pretty clear cut who watches Perry stuff and who doesn’t at this point and if you do then you have another movie to see and if you don’t then you can not see this one as well.

Not seeing this.

WANDERLUST

It doesn’t look too good, but I’ve got free time on my hands and I’m usually drunk during that free time, so I’ll probably end up seeing this. I’m hoping for Ken Marino to have a lot of screen time and that Malin Akerman takes her top off again. Please Lord answer my prayers.

That’s it.

Fuck Dump Month.

Fuck WordPress.

I love you for reading this.