KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Gerber Edition

Editor’s Note: Thank you to friend and confidant Matthew Gerber, Esquire for today’s insightful post. KSWI is 3 for 3 on these Guest Blogger Wednesdays. Please if you would like to write a Wednesday post send me an email at jordankswi@gmail.com . I promise all blood and semen testing is less painful than advertised. Onto the post…

Hello KSWI Readers,

My plan for this guest post was to not have a plan. Then I got kind of nervous when I saw that Jordan had so many commenters, and thought that maybe I should string together a plan. Unfortunately, that thought did not manifest itself into actual action. I am planless. I am working on my own blog (blogdogdotorg.wordpress.com) that focuses on my love of hot dogs, as well as my terrible running career, and that’s like 75% of what I care to write about. So, I am left with no choice but to write about something I am conversational in, and that is my never-ending series of gripes with things happening in porno.

For those of you unfamiliar with Jordan’s blogging past, the elusive Dawgz and myself used to write a semi-frequently updated blog that eventually died of AIDS. My only purpose for bringing up painful ghosts is to point out that I have written about this before. I am pretty mad at porno on a daily basis. I am aware that statement leads the reader to deduce that I watch porn daily. That deduction is correct, so let’s move on and stop judging me. My biggest problem is something that Jordan actually researched when I wrote about it the first time, and it is called the “bob shot”. I am not sure that words can describe how angry this phenomenon makes me. If I was Kristen Stewart, I would do this to the bob shot:

For those unfamiliar, here is my description of the bob shot. Imagine that you are enjoying a sensual adult video, and the position is about to change to the woman sitting down on a couch/chair, and the man is standing up, facing the couch. Then, the camera pans around behind the dude, and you can now see the following things: 1) the dudes back/asshole, 2) the dudes penis from behind, 3) a very small window of the girls vagina. More often than not, the camera is aimed directly into the guys asshole, and maybe 15% of the human skin visible is that of a woman.

Here is my question, in run on sentence form: Why would anybody watching a porno, probably about 90% of whom are dudes, want to watch a scene that focuses the camera into a man’s asshole, and have absolutely no view of the woman’s face or stomach or chest? When the camera pans around to get started on its slow zoom into the guys ass, I get incredibly angry and have either fast forward or turn the video off. My other question is, clearly dudes hate this angle, do girls like it????? Do women like extended shots of a guys ass and back while he is banging??? I don’t really care, because I hate it, but I just want to know if there is a point to this angle.

A similar problem is when they do extreme close-ups on the guy’s face at any point. Why? I mean, I get it, girls watch pornos too, and maybe this is appealing to them, but it makes me want to murder people. I don’t think I’m homophobic but it’s an issue for me to be watching a porno and then out of nowhere be staring at a dude’s face for 30 seconds while I may or may not be attending to my no-no zone.  And I don’t just laugh it off. My issue is that my hatred rises to epic levels. I really, really, really get mad. Like “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME???????” mad, which is pretty mad.

Next, I hate loud dudes in pornos. If you are a dude in a porno, and you’re really loud while fucking, or talking too much, the odds of me continuing to watch are zero. How could any straight man possible maintain an erection while listening to a dude screaming random nonsensical porno shit over and over again. It is impossible. If I wanted to experience loud sex with a dude I would have called your grandfather. Yet, it happens over and over again (loud dudes in pornos, I only occasionally have sex with your grandfather). The perfect storm is a dude who will not shut the fuck up while his asshole is being filmed in close up bob shot style. If there is a hell, there is a TV playing a loop of this scene and a chair with restraints that sinners are confined to.

I also hate really long pornos. We live in a time when you can click a random link to a porn clip, and it turns out to be a whole hour long movie. That might seem cool, but porn directors are the masters of wasting time. If a porn is an hour long, the first 15-20 minutes are always a worthless attempt at someone acting, or an interview, or god forbid some kind of plot. Then there’s always about 25 minutes of foreplay, and then the last 20 minutes or so there is actual banging. Listen, I get it, most porn actors think that this is just how they’re going to make some extra money while they are waiting for their legitimate movie career to start. Somehow, though, every person in a porno is the worst actor ever. Well, actually, I have to take that back because the worst actor ever is President Charles Logan from 24, Gregory Itzin:

So, everyone in porno is in a tie for 2nd place as the worst actor in the world. Just because you’re in front of a camera doesn’t mean I want to see you pretend to have a phone conversation pretending to ask your best friend if you can bang her brother. YOU’RE GONNA DO IT ANYWAY!!! I think I’d actually pay to see a movie where a 19 year old girl is sitting on her bed, and the friends brother is outside mowing the lawn shirtless, and the girl calls her friend to ask if she can bang her brother.

Girl:  OMG, your brother is so hot, why can’t I bang him??????
<pause>
Girl: Oh, Ok. Nevermind. You’re a good friend, I won’t bang him.

[End Scene]

Stop patronizing your friend with the fake phone call, you’re going to bang her brother because you are of legal age and enjoy exploring your sexuality!!!!!!

Finally, I would like to discuss how terrible porn is once you are ready to put your pants back on. Sometimes I compile a few clips I might get to, time permitting. Often times I am left with a few videos that I didn’t get to, and without fail I instantly delete them. This doesn’t make much sense, because just a few moments ago they “made the cut” of movies I might enjoy. Two minutes ago, I could not wait to watch some random girl get banged, but now I have no interest in even fast forwarding to see what happens. This really has nothing to do with how pornos are made it’s just some strange psychological phenomenon that scientists will have to spend CENTURIES decoding. One day our children will write an advanced college thesis about why porno is great one moment, and terrible the next.

I also get that people have different preferences. There may be someone reading this whose favorite moments of any porno are when they pan around to start shooting the guys ass for the next 10 minutes, or may really be looking forward to when the do a close up on the guy making some retarded face for a while. If you are one of those people, rest assured there is no lack of your favorite porn moments on the internet.

Here are my suggestions, and my knowledge of existing solutions. First, I know some people might say, “If you hate porno so much, just stop watching it!” To that I respond, how dare you. I love porno enough to care, and try to improve it. I know that there are websites and movies that feature only movies that have no men in them. That would totally eliminate the bob shot and dudes yelling during the tender moments. There are also no extreme close ups on dudes’ faces while I might be involved in something private. The problem is that lesbian porn gets boring, and frankly I don’t even mind that there are penises in the room. I don’t even mind close-ups on penises. But asshole and face close-ups have to go. One great development in the porno industry is the POV, or “point of view” shot, which is essentially shot from the dude’s perspective. The POV shot is a sign that we truly can address society’s problems in an effective manner.

Sure there may be some terrible things going on in the world, but people are smart enough to fix them. The economy sucks right now, but I have confidence it will rebound. There have been a ton of natural disasters, but the ship always seems to right itself. And in the same vein, pornos exist that totally eliminate all of the things that piss me off.  I won’t rest until a wide breadth of porn exists where males are participating, but only how I see fit. One day I will open a school where our motto is “Men in pornos should be seen, unless they are being shot from behind or it’s a closeup of their face, and not heard.” That will be a great day in American history, a day we can all be proud of. That day….will be my new Independence Day.

Kristen Stewart Wants IT Tells You What Movies To Like – part 1

I hope that Freddie Prinze, Jr.’s agent only books auditions with people who do not watch 24 because FPJ is atrocious on it. Dawgz turned to me about 10 minutes into last night’s episode and said, “I don’t think FPJ will ever work again.” My initial reaction was “he’ll work again…. Maybe not.”  Mr. Prinze is terrible on 24. His character is a CTU agent like the Energizer bunny of death Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland). This season is set in New York City, so I guess to Freddie that meant his character Cole Ortiz should have the greatest bastardization of a New York accent ever.

“Agent Bauer, the nuclear warheads are safe now, so FUGGEDABOUDIT!!!!!!!”

FUH-GED-DUH-BOUD-IT! FUH-GETS! FUH-GETS ABOUD-IT! FUH-GETS!

Not to say that CTU discriminates, but usually candidates to be international counter-terrorism agents do not have thicker accents than the cast of A Bronx Tale combined. Hey oh! Zing!

“Uh, not for nuthin’ Jack, but how ‘bout we skip the gun fight and get some PASTA FAH-ZHUL!?! Am I right? Yo, Adrienne! I mean – yo, Chloe! How ‘bouts we reposition a satellite to look in on the Bada Bing club on route 9? I mean hey yo fuggetabout it. Wherez the dance muzik at?”

FUH-GED-DUH-BOUD-IT! GA-BUH-GOOL! PRE-MAH-VAIR-RAH! FUH-GETS!

Summah time is the time for movies. Starting this weekend until the end of August, there is a nationwide movie coming out every weekend that could be worth seeing. Some of these movies may be worth seeing because they’ll actually be good. Some of these movies may be worth seeing because they’ll be so terrible it could be funny. The movie studios of the world have sunk a good deal of money into most of these movies and you’ll be drowning in advertisements for them.

I thought I would help you all tread those dangerous waters with my own previews on them. Today and tomorrow’s post will be filled with my little quips and observations, similar to what I did for the year end movies of last year. I will start with this coming weekend and I’ll end at an arbitrary date like June 30^th when some vampire movie comes out. I’m sure you all don’t care about what comes after this “some vampire” movie anyway, so I’ll stop there.

April 16th

Kick-Ass

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=43515

Hands down my most anticipated movie this year. I am a fan of those nerdy comic books. Also, I am a fan of the director Matthew Vaughn. I have a lot of faith in Vaughn to make movies I will enjoy. He was originally Guy Ritchie’s producing partner and then Vaughn went Sarah Palin “rogue” and started directing films of his own. First up was Layer Cake which I loved. Stardust was good for what it was – it definitely could have been much worse. Vaughn was in talks to direct X-Men III and Thor. I really liked some of the ideas he mentioned in interviews he had for those movies, sadly he didn’t make them. But he did make this – Kick-Ass.

The story is pretty simple – a nerdy teenage kid gets the nerve to try his hand at being a real life superhero. His first night on the job he gets the shit kicked out of him. He kind of continues to get the shit kicked out of him for awhile until he wizens up a little. Someone cellphone videos our main character fighting some street hoodlums and puts it on the almighty YOUTUBE. This attracts some likeminded individuals and more and more people start dressing up and deciding to fight crime.

The writer, Mark Millar, is well known for his graphic violence and dark humor. Millar is also known for tearing down comic book institutions in his writing. He is the “anti-comic book” comic book writer. He attacks comic book clichés and humiliates the heroes most know and love. Vaughn has a pretty straightforward, no frills, but aggressive style. Couple that with Millar’s ultra violent and profanity ridden source material and I think this should be a very very fun ride.

I’m giving this 5 out of 5 Kristen Stewart wants IT throwing-up heads. And fuck all the haters of Nic Cage.

Death at a Funeral

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=50347

I think this looks good, real good. A lot of people in this movie do not have the best resume for films. Chris Rock has a few hits like CB-4, Dogma, Pootie Tang – but the man also has some terrible ass movies on his filmography. Sadly, same goes for Martin Lawrence, director Neil LaBute, and Tracy Morgan. Judging solely on past performances, one might think this is destined to be bad. But I have utter confidence in this movie. For awhile there, it seemed like black comedies were just being mailed in. Take a bunch of black entertainers (not even comedians, just singers and what not) and stick them in a movie with a loose storyline of them being related in some way or another. A lot of those movies do suck *cough-Tyler Perry-cough*, but some of them are hysterical like Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins.

Besides being chock full of those great comedians (Lawrence, Rock and Morgan), there is also Kevin Hart, Danny Glover, Peter Dinklage and Luke Wilson. Another huge factor is this movie is rated R. That means a lot. That generally means that the comedy isn’t being presented for kids and it will allow these actors to do what they want and not feel limited. The trailer is funny and I’m hoping that the movie is as well. It seems like there is enough mad cap craziness from the dead father turning out to be gay, James Marsden taking a hallucinogenic, Luke Wilson trying to win back Zoe Saldana, the duo of Glover and Morgan, Martin Lawrence being a ladies man, Chris Rock trying to keep it altogether et cetera that the movie should never get boring.

I give this 4 out 5 Kristen Stewart wants IT throwing up heads. My only trepidation is the director having not made a good fast paced comedy like this before. Nurse Betty and The Shape of Things are good, but not fast paced and way more dramatic.

April 23^rd

The Losers

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=50350

Holy fuck this looks terrible! Terrible! So TERRIBLE that I’m pronouncing it TEAR-EE-BLAY! For whatever reason, 2010 is the year of Bad News Bears mercenary films. Off the top of my head, The Losers, The A-Team and The Expendables all have identical plots. Each film centers on a group of men who are all very different, but are all amazingly military trained killers. They joined together to become soldiers of fortune and whoever their boss is fucks them over. Now they are out there on their own and looking for some payback. Out of these three movies, The Losers looks by far the worst.

The movie is all clichés. Jeffrey Dean Morgan is the suave one always in a suit with 5 o’clock shadow. Idris Elba is the black guy. Chris Evans is the nerdy one with the gadgets. And the Hispanic guy is Chris Evans’ back-up. And there is another black guy in the movie, but it doesn’t look like he does much so let’s pretend like he doesn’t exist much like the editor of the trailer did. Now throw in Zoe Saldana as the hot chick who gets into a gun fight while wearing lingerie. This movie as a whole will be horrendous, but it could be fun to get drunk and see it to make fun of it.

I’ll give this 2 out of 5 Kristen Stewart wants IT throwing up heads. The 1 head is because Zoe Saldana is hot. The 2^nd head is because I like Idris Elba and I’m glad he is getting steady employment.

April 30^th

A Nightmare on Elm Street

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=47103

I hate horror movies. This will be quick and biased because horror movies suck. I can think of a few horror movies that are good and I would generally categorize those movies in some other genre. By and large, the horror genre is the worst genre. The WORST genre is the Asian gore genre. I would rather watch every Jennifer Anniston movie from now until… well no one is going to stop making those damn movies because they’re all the same, so until forever than watch a single second of another Asian gore film. Ichi the Killer, Audition, Suicide Club et cetera are stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Anyway, they are remaking Nightmare on Elm Street for the fuck of it and here it is.

For the first time, someone will play Freddy Kreuger besides Robert Englund. Freddy will be played by Jackie Earle Haley who is doing a tremendous job in movies recently. I will not end up seeing this movie. I really don’t care about Nightmare on Elm Street the original or this remake. I do think the Freddy character is one of the better horror creations, but I still just don’t give a fuck.

I’ll give this 1 out of 5 Kristen Stewart wants IT throwing up heads just because plenty of people do like horror films – just not me. Call me when the film studios pull their heads out of their asses and make the Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash sequel. That I’ll see. With bells on. Shop smart; shop S-Mart – YOU GOT THAT!

May 7^th

Iron Man 2

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=44655

I’m excited and so is America. Iron Man was huge and sequels only get hugeR with a capital “R”. I thought the first Iron Man was remarkably like the first Spider Man. Majority of the film was an origin story, pretty meh bad guy, couple scenes of the superhero being a superhero and then a quick end with the bad guy. Iron Man had more comedy than melodrama than Spider Man which was good. I expect the sequels to play out similarly as well.

I really liked Spider Man 2 much more than the original. Spider Man 2 was a much larger film.  It had a much more in-depth villain who truly battles our hero as well as a side villain who attacks Peter Parker rather than Spider Man. Spider Man 2 had Alfred Molina as Doc Ock and Iron Man 2 has Mickey Rourke as Whiplash. Spider Man 2 had James Franco as Green Goblin 2/Harry Osborn and Iron Man 2 has Sam Rockwell as Justin Hammer. Spider Man 2 also had a real feel that Peter Parker was truly questioning what his purpose was as Spider Man and how was he doing at it. It appears that Iron Man/Tony Stark will go through a similar struggle.

Iron Man 2 has a much larger scope than the original. Besides Gwyneth Paltrow coming back, there are a slew of new characters. The love of my life, Scarlett Johannson as Black Widow, Olivia Munn as Iron Maiden, Don Cheadle as War Machine, Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury and then so on and so on. The problem that a lot of movies run into is having too much. Iron Man 2 might run into this problem. I have a lot of confidence in Jon Favreau as a director and I hope he can handle all these characters.

I’m giving this 4 out of 5 Kristen Stewart wants IT throwing up heads. My fear is they may be squeezing too many characters into one movie, but we’ll just have to wait and see. Also, there are so many hot chicks in this movie and none of them will get naked in it, which is disheartening.

May 14^th

Robin Hood

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=20816

Simply – THIS WILL KICK ASS! If people thought Gladiator was ripping off Braveheart then people will go bananas when they see this. Robin Hood is more or less Braveheart with a focus on archery rather than Mel Gibson’s flowing hair. I’m not saying it will be anywhere near as good as Braveheart is, but expect something similar as far as rousing speeches, blue collar farmers turned sword swinging soldiers, blood, grunting, violence and over all death to the British nobles. People need to look at the movie in this regard more so than a remake of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. That movie is tremendous in its own right and this movie will be absolutely nothing like it.

The cast is pretty epic for the movie as well. Russell Crowe is the man and don’t let people try to convince you otherwise. Just like no matter what happens on 24, Jack Bauer always kicks ass and looks convincing when he does so – that is Russell Crowe. I don’t care if he is supposed to be a space alien or Taiwanese – Russell Crowe is going to beat someone’s ass and it will be intense. Russell is joined by tons of great actors like Cate Blanchett, Max Von Sydow, Mark Strong (need someone British who intimidates – he is your man right now), Danny Huston, William Hurt, Mark Addy and all under the guiding hand of Ridley Scott.

I will give this 4 out of 5 Kristen Stewart wants IT throwing up heads. There is absolutely no way this movie will not be entertaining even if this is well tread ground. I didn’t give it 5 out of 5 heads because Morgan Freeman, Alan Rickman and that wonderful song will not be in it. EVERYTHING I DOOOOO!!!!! I DOOO IT FOR YOU!!!!

Sidenote: Just Wright

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=54057

Queen Latifah, Common and Alicia Keyes have a movie coming out that same day. I will be seeing Robin Hood because it will be badass and because the trailer for Just Wright has absolutely everything that happens in the movie in it already. If you feel like knocking a movie off your 2010 list right now – watch the trailer for Just Wright because it’s the whole damn movie.

And lastly for today…

May 21^st

MacGruber

http://www.comingsoon.net/films.php?id=57555

Um… yeah. This will be the GREATEST MOTHERFUCKING MOVIE EVER!!!!

YES! ALL THE HEADS OF KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT THROWING UP!!!!!

I’ll see you tomorrow.

There is no one on this planet named Cole Ortiz

And I’m back with a vendetta… actually I think the caffeine just wore off. I was all psyched like 20 minutes ago to start writing this post, but now I’m tired again. This is going to be a long day. I had a pretty quiet weekend where no one insinuated I was racist or had friends bumming menthol cigarettes off of prostitutes. I mostly just watched football on Saturday and then watched football on Sunday and then hung out Monday. Today’s post will be mostly dedicated to the television that I watched: football, Big Love and 24.

FOOTBALL

First and foremost, the professional tackle football association of America had an exciting albeit one sided weekend. I am pretty much fine with the outcomes of the games because my team the Pittsburgh Steelers are not involved. Right now, the AFC is chugging along and the NFC is fucking wildfire. The weekend games could not be any different from each other.

The AFC’s two games were the Indianapolis Colts vs. the Baltimore Raves and the San Diego Chargers vs. the New York Jets. Colts/Ravens was mildly entertaining. I like Peyton Manning and all, actually it would be more appropriate to say I love the man or I have a myriad of feelings that if all added together would probably equal love. I went grocery shopping yesterday and I was in the cereal aisle, good story so far. I was not planning on buying any cereal, but I needed to use the hot and cold cereal aisle as a gateway to the other side of the super market namely the deli counter. As I skipped down the aisle like I normally do down the cereal aisle full of cartoon characters and bright colors, I saw a familiar, a very familiar face staring back at me: Peyton “The Sheriff” Manning. He is on the cover of the Wheaties Fuel box. Wheaties Fuel is more or less regular Wheaties with maybe a cycle or two of anabolic steroids frosting the flakes. So I bought it. I couldn’t not buy it. I like Garnett and Pujols is cool, the other two bozos I do not know. But it had Peyton Manning on it!

I am a big fan of “The Sheriff” so I’m not bummed to see him win. But as a team, I like the Ravens better. They have Reverend Raymond “The Struggle” Lewis and I most certainly love him. They also have Edward Reed who I have no nickname for because my Cullen/Swan love for that grimy, bearded, national javelin throwing champion, ball hawker is too infinite to simply assign a single nickname for. So, the Colts won fairly easily. A pretty beat up Ravens offense, add two key fumbles (one by Ray Rice and one by Ed Reed) and a surgical Colts offense led to the easy victory. Chargers/Jets is a different story.

I hate the New York Jets. HATE THEM! Always have. Always will. There would need to be a drastic change on their roster to make me like the New York Jets. For me to “like” the New York Jets, they would have to sign the following people in the off season (in no particular order) Peyton Manning, Chris Johnson, Brandon Marshall, Troy Polamalu, Cal Ripken Jr., Shawn Kemp, Tiger Woods, #1 ranked MMA Heavyweight Fedor Emelianenko, Olympic gold medal gymnast and Dancing with the Stars season 8 winner Shawn Johnson, me (Jordan Newmark) and #37 on the “list of men over 60 years old I believe women would have sex with” Armand Assante. So needless to say I wasn’t psyched the J-E-T-S beat the San Diego Super Chargers. Whatever.

The NFC is the wildest show on Earth. The Minnesota Vikings and the New Orleans Saints apparently believe the NFL has a mercy rule. They are actively trying to score 100 points in the first half thinking the second half will just be forfeited to them. Both of these games were blowouts, but they were exciting blowouts. The New Orleans Saints and the Arizona Cardinals started off the game like it was going to be a repeat of the Cards’ game last week with the Packers. Both teams score early and often and it appears we have a shootout on our hands… ummm… the Saints are now up by 2 touchdowns and Kurt Warner just got hit so hard I peed myself a little. What is happening!?! The Cardinals kept it close for like two minutes. Both teams scored 2 touchdowns each and everything seemed even until the Saints doubled them and never looked back. The second half was fairly slow since the Saints were up by quadruple figures and Kurt Warner was playing concussed. Saints in the Thunderdome win their games how I like my commenters: fast and easy…. and a lot of touchdown passes…. and an interception by Darren Sharper?

Meanwhile, modern day Odysseus, Brett Favre, led his Purple People Eaters to a shellacking on the shitty shitty shitty Cowboys. I do not like the Cowboys either. I like the idea of the Cowboys, but the actual Cowboys I hate. I do not root for them ever, but I find them very entertaining. If you watched the game or not, you probably saw the clip of Keith Brooking, linebacker for the ‘boys, yelling at the back of Brett Favre’s head. With 2 minutes left, 4^th and 3 on like the 8 yard line, and up 27 – 3 – Brett Favre threw another touchdown pass. Why not? Brooking felt like it was disrespectful and that teams are not supposed to run up the score in the NFL. So far, no one has taken Brooking’s side on this. Mostly because Troy Aikman, who was commentating the game and is the face of the 3 Superbowl winning Cowboy teams, immediately said that if Brooking didn’t like it then he should have stopped it from happening and played defense. I agree.

And it is Brett Favre! All Brett knows is slingin’ it. He doesn’t understand taking knees or handing the ball off. If the ball is in his hands then he is going to sling it. He has not missed an opportunity to do so since George Herbert Walker Bush was in office. I love Brett Favre. I know a lot of people don’t care for how he handles himself in the off season, but that is ridiculous. The man plays football with more passion than anyone does anything else ever. The guy loves football. God’s great mystery to Brett Favre is everything in life outside of football. The man gets football. Other stuff, not so much. But in between those sidelines with a helmet on and wearing the number 4, the man is a damn prophet. Once the season is over, Brett is confused and scared being led by the hand from one Wrangler jeans commercial to another. But during the fall and winter seasons with his massive hands wrapped around the pigskin, Brett Favre is wide eyed with conviction staring into the Sun. And the Sun blinks.

BIG LOVE

That was the musiciest episode ever! And by “musiciest”, I mean there was music in 90% of the episode. It was the strangest thing. I am not sure if it was a different director or what, but there was a “and the music swells” moment in pretty much every scene. A couple scenes it made sense, but most it didn’t. One that stuck out was the scene where Bill and Margene are driving and Bill asks her how much money her jewelry business made the past month. They’re talking. Nothing dramatic is happening. They’re talking and driving. There is music piping in. Dramatic music. I’m not sure why. It’s getting louder. What is happening that I am missing? Is there a guy with a gun in the backseat? She made more money than she expected to and the music is getting LOUDER(!). It is nit picking, but it was not needed.

I really like the new opening for Big Love. I was pretty sick of the old one. When the show first started it was a lot more light hearted. It was mostly quipping back and forth between the wives about typical household stuff. Bill Paxton was showing his ass every episode. You know, just good family fun stuff. So the opening credits being cute and friendly was good because the show was cute and friendly. But the show stopped being cute and friendly in the second season. The introductions of a murderous Mormon gang “The Greenes” certainly made the second season a lot darker. The third season added more murder and violence and heart break and adultery and marriages dissolving and a miscarriage and well not cute and friendly things. So I think the overhaul of the opening credits was much needed. Plus Chloe Sevigny looks like she wants it… bad.

Besides the musiciestness and the new opening credits, I really like the new storyline of Alby being a sexual temptress. Who knew!?! It has been an underlying theme of Alby’s character that he is a creep and he is gay and he is creepy about his gayness. He used to go to public restrooms in the middle of the woods and meet up with guys in the middle of the night for some leather jacket gay sex in the dingy bathroom. This season started out with Alby heading over to the local park and watching men workout through a pair of binoculars. Some random good looking guy sees him, questions him on what he is doing and then gives Alby the “sexy eyes” and walks into some nearby bushes and Alby follows him. Who said being gay was difficult? Sure there is the persecution and for awhile all of them were dying of AIDS, but is that it? You show up to a park in the middle of the day with a pair of binoculars and an attractive guy just walks up to you within a minute of sitting there and says “let’s go fuck in the bushes”? Seriously!?!

Alby did not have to do any of the follow things – sign up for an account on Match or JDate and create a profile that was both informative and sexy, buy new clothes, go to a bar, buy drinks, buy dinner, buy flowers, buy jewelry, go on a series of any sort of dates, pretend to like Twilight and/or romantic comedies in general, be funny, be interesting, give dozens of unwarranted compliments while getting none in return, feign interest in cats, have a job with a viable future, know the person for 10 years and run into them at a party or bar by chance and get them really drunk and concoct a faux history in which you had a crush on them for all these years, create an elaborate web of lies that disarms said person and has them fall in love with this imaginary version of you that may or may not be a race car driver or movie producer, and/or start and maintain a 2000 plus word a day blog about a young Hollywood starlet which by sheer accident becomes mildly popular and for many unknown reasons these readers find whatever idiocy you write to be alluring and attractive so you leave clues telling them who you are and where you live and then you outright just tell them who you are and where you live and this is when you begin to have faith in an all knowing all powerful deity above who you pray to nightly and make sacrifices to that one or some or all of these readers will just track you the fuck down and give you the “sexy eyes” and lead you into a set of bushes.

Anyway, my point is that Alby is now a sexual temptress.

24

Yeah. Oh yeah. I am so glad 24 is on TV again. I and Dawgz (you make the English language what you will) came close to overdosing on 24 on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. We watched Sunday’s 2 hour episode and then went right into watching Monday’s 2 hour episode. FOUR HOURS OF JACK BAUER! Talk about greatest MLK Day ever! This is the 8^th season of 24. This show could honestly go on for another 12 and it would be perfectly fine with me. Pretty much every season is the same, Jack Bauer fucks shit up and saves the day.

There are two great misconceptions about 24. #1 – People think they need to have seen the previous seasons or need to watch every episode to keep up with the show. FALSE! You need to do neither. Sure you’ll be confused about a whole litany of things and if you miss an episode you probably will miss a plot point or two, but WHO FUCKING CARES! IT IS JACK BAUER FUCKING DUDES UP! I don’t care about any of the plots from any of the seasons. Frankly, I’m barely paying attention to what people are saying in almost every episode. Politics, homeland security, terrorism, interrogation, constantly moving satellites, cell phones, blue tooth headsets, whatever. I zone out a lot while watching 24. Any scene with Elisha Cuthbert I zone out because I can’t focus on her words because I think she is so hot. But it doesn’t matter because her character never says or does anything that matters. What matters is JACK BAUER FUCKING DUDES UP! And you don’t have to speak English or even have the volume on at all to understand that when Jack Bauer is fucking dudes up that JACK BAUER IS FUCKING DUDES UP!

#2 – “The show has gotten worse.” These people are idiots. The first season of 24 was probably the worst acted and had the lowest production design of all of the seasons. The second season probably was the “best” season as far as acting, storyline, action, bad guy and so forth. But the first season rocked. the third season rocked, and the fourth, and the fifth… Do you know why? Because JACK BAUER FUCKS DUDES UP IN EACH SEASON! If the show was getting progressively worse than this season, the 8^th, should be terrible, right? Do you know how Jack Bauer killed his first, of many many many many many many, bad guy? With an axe. A FUCKING AXE! He waited around the corner. The guy comes walking around that corner. He was probably thinking “I wonder where that little spiky blonde Irish guy went with that satchel”. Then he noticed that the fireman’s axe on the wall next to the emergency fire hose was not there. At this point he was thinking “Well that’s odd. I guess this apartment building’s property owner does not do a good job because that is a safety violation not having the proper fire safety equipment available on each floor. I wonder if- AND THEN JACK BAUER ATTACKED HIM IN THE CHEST WITH AN AXE!

Oh man! Jack baseball bat swings the axe blade first into the guy’s chest. This knocks the guy’s partner over the staircase railing where he proceeds to smash his head on every railing for 10 floors. So needless to say the 8^th season of 24 rocks. And I have not even mentioned that for whatever reason Freddie Prinze Jr. is on the show this season. The title of this post is in reference to his character’s name “Agent Cole Ortiz”. Not to sound completely cynical, but there is no Hispanic or Latin person on this planet named “Cole Ortiz”. I think they probably had the character’s name as “Cole” and then the producers or the network got together and thoughtthey had too many white people on the show, so they spiced up Freddie’s last name with “Ortiz” to give him a more ethnic flare. I have no facts to back this up, but I’m making that blanket statement that there is no “Cole Ortiz” who walks the Earth. Neptune? Maybe. Earth? No.

24 is pure entertainment. I watch it, Dick Cheney watches it, Troy Aikman watches it, Sarah Vowell watches it. It is a ridiculous show from top to bottom – you have former agents cutting off a guy’s hand, bombs and rocket launchers exploding, guys getting stabbed in the neck with a pen, the Russian Mob, Arab terrorists, a woman President – I mean the show is just pure fantastical fun.

Lastly,

I have to mention one other thing I found disturbing on television: a Microsoft Windows 7 commercial. There are several of them and I guess they are all “disturbing” in their own ways, but the most disturbing one is the guy with the glasses walking around his house talking about the “snap into place” feature if you’re working on two windows at once. In the commercial the guy is walking around his house and we run across his wife near the end of the commercial. It is this couple:

Is anyone else seeing this? This guy is like 2 feet taller than his wife. What the hell is Microsoft trying to say in this commercial? This is not a real couple. They are two actors who they are pretending are a married couple. Someone went out of their way to find a guy who appears to be like 6’5” and a girl who appears to be about 4’10” to be “husband and wife”. I’m trying to learn about the new Windows 7 software, but all I can think of is “that guy must destroy her” or “they must have a step ladder in their bedroom”. Destroy is an ambitious term considering I don’t know what he is packing, but needless to say if they are having sex she cannot be seen. He must envelope her. She is not standing up straight, which is helping no one, but even if standing up straight she doesn’t even come up to his shoulder. And that guy looks tall, but he isn’t Patrick Ewing, seriously who is though. Also by the look of this guy, he is hairy. Lord knows that dude is hairy. Back hairy.

I just feel uncomfortable knowing that Microsoft is making me picture these two in particular having weird height, body mass, and back hair ratio sex together.

I’m just saying she is probably standing on a set of steps used by household pets to get onto and off of a couch and he is hairy and sweaty and three times the size of her and leaning on her and those steps are not meant to be used for those situations, they have a weight, sweat, and body hair limit.

Or he is on top and you can’t see her and it looks like he is making love to the bed.

Or she is on top and it looks like an X-rated fanfiction version of Gulliver’s Travels.

Or he is standing and at first he is holding her up by his waist because her feet are close to 2 feet from touching the ground, but he doesn’t have the muscle tone to hold her there for too long, so they buy a baby bjorn and she just slides into that and then the Devil, El Diablo, comes and takes my soul as well as everyone else’s who found this idea funny.