“Fiji” Water Tastes No Better Than Other Water, But The Bottle’s Shape And Label Makes Everyone Feel Special

Today’s post will be a double movie review and a television review of sorts. The movies are Gamer and Up, which I watched back-to-back over the weekend. The television show is The Bachelor. I watched last night’s episode. I hadn’t seen the show before, but How I Met Your Mother isn’t really funny anymore and it was a repeat and I needed to pass the time before 24 started and why am I bothering justifying what I watch – you watch Twilight(s). I need not justify.

On Saturday, I woke up, ate breakfast and drank coffee. Around 1 pm, Dawgz and I decided to watch some good ole’ Netflix. I had two movies: Up and Gamer. We are men and as men we like action, bullets, guns, explosions, and we chose Gamer. I’m not sure if you are at all familiar with the movie Gamer, but if whatever I say in the following paragraphs makes you at all interested in seeing the movie Gamer then I HAVE MOTHERFUCKING FAILED MISERABLY!

Don’t see the movie Gamer ever.

I cannot say that enough. EVER! No matter what. I don’t care what circumstances involve you seeing this movie and then being rewarded afterwards. No reward will ever be worth the mental scarring you will receive from watching the movie Gamer. A million dollars. A fleet of ponies. A million dollars and a fleet of ponies. Nothing. There isn’t a single thing ever. You are thinking, “He doesn’t mean that. He would certainly watch it again if it meant Alison Brie’s glowing blue eyes, January Jones’ golden blonde hair, and Christina Hendricks’ voluptuous (big boobies) body was waiting for him every night in his bedroom. He would watch it again for just one of them or even for a cheap knock off of one of them.” And you would be wrong.

Reason being: one viewing of Gamer will forever disturb one’s perception of goodness in this world and one will never be able to truly feel happy again. So, take that.

This movie is fucking awful it will make you question how on Earth any of this was made. Seriously, famous people are in it. Famous people who do not need to be in this garbage. Gerard Butler and Michael C. Hall are the two main characters. And the side characters are other mildly famous people too. All the actors in the movie are doing fine on their own without getting involved with quite possibly the worst movie I have ever seen ever. I know a lot of people think movies like The Room are bad because of the shitty acting, dialogue and budget and so forth. The level of incompetence in The Room is no where the level of incompetence that there is in Gamer. This movie has at least a decent sized budget (there are tons of explosions, cars on fire and stuff), makes absolutely no sense, is just a cluster fuck of weird imagery for no apparent reason than just utter “shock” value, dialogue is wildly terrible, characters and story arcs that go absolutely fucking no where and it might be the most complicated movie ever. And I walked into the movie expecting it to be bad.

Here is an analogy for Gamer: imagine you are taking a road trip with a friend. You wake up that morning expecting to drive 10 hours. That is a lot of hours. That is a lot of time to be spending in a car. For the most part, no matter where you are on Earth that will be all the daylight hours of that day and you will be stuck in that car. What are you going to talk about for 10 hours? And it will take longer than 10 hours because you will have to stop and eat and go to the bathroom and get gas and all that. What happens if there is traffic? 10 long hours, right? So you get to the car and say to your friend, “Today is going to be a long day. 10 hours is a lot, but it is doable.” And then your friend looks back at you and says, “10? Dude the drive is 34 hours.” And you’re like “What the fuck? Did you say 34? With a 3 and a 4?” And then your friend responds, “Yeah. It is a full day worse than you thought.” And then you respond, “Fuck. An actual full day, 24 hours, of driving straight?  A full day of my life driving? And then 10 more hours?” And that is when you go back inside instead of doing the road trip.

That is Gamer. I don’t care how low your expectations are; it is a full day worse than you could possibly expect. A full day on top of what you thought. It is literally 3x worse than what you thought and then 4 more hours. It is fucking awful. The movie is about 90 minutes long and they continue to introduce new characters that will seemingly affect the outcome of the movie over an hour into it. That is just the worst writing. Characters that you have never heard of and are just as pointless as the characters you currently have been dealing with are just getting introduced 70 percent into the movie.

My head is hurting thinking about it. I really need to stop. I can feel my brain attacking itself and my stomach is actually getting queasy. I understand what the two (yes, two) directors who actually came up with this horrendous movie were trying to do. And they failed at all of it. It is just one enormous failure. The brilliance of these two fucking idiots is that their movie is creepy and weird and depraved, but they think that is a good thing. It is not creepy, weird and depraved the way they think it is. It is creepy, weird and depraved that no one stopped the filming and grabbed one of these two nimrods by the shoulders and shook them so hard their head nearly snaps off and yells “THIS IS THE DUMBEST FUCKING MOVIE EVER MADE! WHY ARE WE MAKING THIS STUPID FUCKING MOVIE!?!”

Let me just give one more example, the movie ends on a basketball court. Why? Who knows? Definitely no one who was thinking sanely. The movie has absolutely nothing to do with basketball. Gerard Butler and Michael C. Hall and the father from Everyone Hates Chris (Terry Crewes) fist fight to the death on a basketball court while like 6 IT nerds who work for Michael C. Hall watch in the stands and Gerard Butler’s whore wife and his daughter we have never met until this moment watch as well. The fucking dumbest! The movie is supposed to be about prisoners in a real life first person shooter video game killing each other. The movie ends on a basketball court. If someone out in the world knows the two fucking idiots who made that movie then punch them in their fucking head. And don’t stop. Don’t stop punching them in their heads until you are arrested, convicted of murder, and then forced to play in a real life first person shooter video game where you kill other prisoners.

Anyway, Dawgz and I watched it. I was actually depressed after the movie was over. I felt sad. I could feel the part of my soul that died from watching that entire movie. Then Dawgz had plans and left. In this sadness, I turned to my other Netflix movie: Up. I gave myself an hour break and then I threw in that movie.

I was not particularly excited to see this movie Up. I had heard good things, but I am really not completely sold on these types of movies. As an adult, I really enjoyed The Incredibles and I really enjoyed Wall-e. But some of the other movies are still too childish for me. Cars? Fuck Cars. I’m not watching that. I wasn’t that crazy about the idea of watching some movie about an old man and a little kid in some flying house. I had read good reviews for it. I know that is was nominated for an Oscar, but tons of films are nominated for Oscars that I dislike. How good could this movie really be?

GREATEST FUCKING MOVIE!

That’s a little hyperbolic, but it is an amazing movie. Oh man is it good. I went from watching maybe the worst movie of all time – purely devoid of creative filmmaking, coherent plot, story driven action, characters that I care even a little about – to a movie that had me in tears. TEARS! I will admit I was crying. I was openly weeping watching Up.

Yeah, the movie is sad. But it isn’t just that the movie is sad. The movie is pretty flawlessly constructed and there is a simple beauty in that. I don’t want to ruin anything for other people who have neglected this film like I did. The one thing I have to mention for the people who have seen it, the montage sequence that spans pretty much the entire life of the main character from him being a kid to him being the old man with the flying balloon house……… GENIUS! Like Albert Einstein genius.

That is creative, smart and classic filmmaking. That sequence should be taught in every film class from now on. It is wildly amazing. If that montage was filmed with actors instead of cartoon characters then it would win the Oscar all by itself.

I know a lot of people love Wall-e and I do as well. It is really an excellent movie. But I think Up is better. Case in point, the first time I watched Wall-e I thoroughly enjoyed the whole movie. As for Up, everything after the first act was watched through a veil of tears and I had to pause the movie twice to say, “this is excellent”. I may be biased. I love dogs and I did just finish watching the worst movie ever.

Gamer – utterly thoughtless. Up – every second is hand crafted.

The Bachelor

Up until last night, I had never seen The Bachelor. This season the “bachelor” is a pilot named Jake who didn’t win on season 5 of The Bachelorette. So he is just some random ass pilot who looks like an All-American guy. The show The Bachelor is ABC’s reality show where 20+ smoking hot girls are given the opportunity to compete for a dude to seemingly marry him. The premise is dumb for me. The premise is the greatest for Jake and or whichever “dude” ABC picks as The Bachelor.

The Bachelor really doesn’t have the girls competing in tightrope boxing or figure skating relays or any other perplexing activities like some of these other reality shows. The Bachelor is focused on girls competing with each other over one man the way nature intended: bitchiness and sluttiness. Also, the show is on ABC and has a big budget, so they are constantly jet setting these girls and guy all over the world. The Bachelor is more or less a Travel Channel guide to the Caribbean and/or Mediterranean seas while watching this lucky fuck Jake PG-fuck these 20+ women.

The girls just go on date after date with Jake, sometimes two at time or three at a time. They take picnics on abandoned tropical islands off the coast of South America. Every camera angle is just crazy beautiful scenery. And the only thing more “crazy” and “beautiful” than the scenery are the girls on the TV show that Jake is seemingly going to choose from to get married. Each girl is just model-hot and they all have these glassy eyed stares that mean they are currently the most tightly wound springs who will just snap if Jake doesn’t pick them. As the show goes on, you can see how more crazy each one is getting.

At the end of last night’s episode, Jake had picked his final two girls: Tenley and Vienna. I have never met and probably will never meet anyone named Tenley and/or Vienna in my life, I’m just saying. Both are blonde. Both are real hot. Both are crazy. Do you think Jake has a certain type? No wonder he didn’t win on The Bachelorette – she was a brunette. Jake must now choose between Tenley and Vienna, who should he choose?

Tenley

She is crazy. I think all the women on this show are crazy. They’re all extremely attractive women who are going to compete with 20 other women over a guy they have never met and know absolutely nothing about just to say they won and to be on TV. If they do win and the marriage fails, which of course it will, then they may get their terrible Bachlorette show where 20 men she has never met and knows absolutely nothing about will compete for her affection to say they won and to be on TV and this cycle keeps going until the world implodes. And really they don’t even have to win. They just have to be mildly memorable.

Tenley is really hot. Also, she is recently divorced. That is not the worst thing in the world except she has only ever kissed, sexed, slept with, been alone with, talked to, touched, looked at, seen a movie with or even known a single other man outside of her ex-husband. AND she mentions it every 5 motherfucking seconds. Tenley is nuts (crazy). But Tenly does give Jake a sexy “come hither and be the second man in the above subjects” dance (halfway thru the video).

Tenley just looks like she is an emotional roller coaster. The scariness of choosing Tenley lies within her eyes. She looks like she is about to cry all the time. She looks like she is barely keeping herself together. She is “competing” on a television show where they fly her to tropical islands and she eats great food and stays at fancy hotels and hangs out with some guy and she looks like she is about to have a nervous breakdown at all moments. Jake needs to realize that picking Tenley means at the bare minimum he will be dealing with Tenley crying every other day for good reasons or bad. She is just going to be crying all the time. That is his future with Tenley. Hot, but a lot of crying and she isn’t watching Up.

Vienna

She is also hot and she is also crazy. There are stories about Vienna stealing money from her ex-husband (also recently divorced) and buying breast implants. Now, do the “ends” justify the “means”? That is really up for Jake to decide. Her purchase(s) look great or look great with clothes on at least. But how she came to the money to purchase said item(s) is worrisome. Are these rumors true?

Vienna is also seen as a huge bitch by the other women. They all hate her. I’m not saying you can trust the opinion of 1 crazy woman who is hot who signs up for a reality show to be as slutty as ABC as allows them to be to steal the affection of one man they never heard of ever on Earth. But 20? At some point, you have to imagine that there is a shred of truth in all 20 thinking she is a bit of a bitch. It has to be worrisome they all feel this way. They’re all high strung, crazy bitches, but they all think she is the worst one. That’s not good. You never want to be the worst of the worst. You could be part of the worst, but never the worst of the worst.

Vienna’s defense is that she is “honest”. I’m not saying whether or not she is honest. I really don’t know. But there is a difference between “honesty” and “correct”. A huge difference. In all honesty, I think all Republicans harvest the souls of the living to strengthen Satan’s army for Armageddon. That is “honesty”, but it also could be not “correct” and for the few Republicans that do not harvest souls for the Devil they would think I’m an asshole for saying that about them. Un otro ejemplo? I think Robert Pattinson is a fucking idiot in a long line of forgotten idiots who have Tiger Beat looks and have absolutely zero talent to offer the world and sadly girls will forever keep themselves under a glass ceiling by idolizing douche bags who say things in interviews like “I’m allergic to vaginas” and find it witty or they don’t find it at all and just swoon and stare and throw away their lives hoping a 100 year old virgin vampire will break into their house to take them away forever. That is “honesty”, but it might not be “correct”. I mean who knows, maybe Rob likes the Steelers.

So – Tenley or Vienna?

Both. Or at least for a few months. A trial period. Jake is a pilot and pilots lead double lives. So why does Jake have to choose? Instead of Jake choosing one and then having to find a second woman to have a double life with, why doesn’t he just choose both women right now? Makes sense to me. If they want to be with Jake and/or any other pilot they will need to be comfortable with sharing Jake with another woman anyway. Also, they currently already are comfortable with Jake and another woman (that woman being the other woman that is not them in the Tenley or Vienna equation) because he has been with other women the entire time you’ve known him of a few weeks. It is the damn show they are all on! One day he is on a date with Tenley, one day he is on a date with Vienna. It is already fucking happening. He is already cheating on them now. They signed up for a relationship where the man cheats!

In all honesty, they should just be adults about it. If I had any control on this season’s The Bachelor, the final episode would be just one rousing endorsement for plural marriage. One girl is from Florida and one is from Oregon. So either keep them both where they are or move them to NYC and LA or whatever. Get Jake a job flying the cross continental route for some airline and then send them on their way. It is bound to happen. They should be comfortable by now with Jake seeing other women. And they should be happy he is seeing only one other woman and not 20 like when they first met him a few weeks prior to seemingly deciding on getting married to him.

Also, isn’t this exactly not what we need in today’s world of failed marriages? Television shows completely based on the idea of just marrying any fucking person you met after a few weeks of knowing them. Also, the person you are marrying is marrying you because you won a stupid competition. And there is no reality in these dates. Jake is not taking you to the Galapagos Islands on a Tuesday when the show is over. He is taking you to Applebees for dinner because of their happy hour specials and he is going to be text messaging his second wife after each course is finished.

Happy Valentine’s Day? Happy President’s Day? Happy Pancake day?