February 19, 2010
Another week. Not many questions this week I see. This means either, I have already covered every question you all were searching for answers to or your brains, smaller than an average man’s, have zero curiosity in unraveling the mysteries of life. I guess we’ll never know. Those are the only two options: small brains with zero curiosity or slightly larger brains that had few questions to start. Fine. If that’s how it has to be.
And again, a call for scolding. Scolding? Is that what this blog is here for? To scold you? I am here to provide laughter. And light. A laughterous light. It shines ever so brightly into the corners of each one’s minds allowing all those crazed treasures hiding in the darkness to be seen. It is a light that erodes the thick mud walls of ignorance and complacency in one’s mind. It is a light that will do some remodeling for the inner workings of your mind. Breaking down drywalls to create a living room with space for a bar instead of a den with a couple closets. It is a light that turns that hallway closet into a second half-bathroom.
But this light is fueled by questions. This light’s amber hue is from feeding its flame with your perfume scented questions. And today, today, today, that flame is at best a marigold yellow. That is your fault. That will weigh on your conscience, not mine. I won’t say I am angry. I am simply disappointed. Maybe I had too much faith in all of you to be able to carry the brunt of one post a week. Maybe it was too much to ask a series of fragile, slow witted, uncreative, bare foot in the kitchen, drooling, lazy eyed, gap toothed, stuttering, baby factory women like yourselves to ask a few questions. I’m just disappointed that’s all.
And, now, I will try to spin more gold from this lifeless hay you have laid at my e-feet with your hands of stubby fingers.
I am anti-Winter Olympics. I’m sorry. Actually, fuck that. I’m not sorry. I’m over the Winter Olympics. More so, fuck NBC. Fuck them for the Winter Olympics. Do we really need half of these events in the Winter Olympics? Snowboarding? All that trick bullshit on snow? Is it just me or are the X-Games on year-fucking- round, so why the hell do we need this shit also in the Winter Olympics? Can I ask more questions? Yes.
I have no feeling for the Winter Olympics right now. I am cynical towards NBC and them shoving this bullshit in our faces and making me miss Community/The Office/Parks and Recreation for two weeks. Notice I did not say 30 Rock because it tends to, um how do you say- BLOW! What the fuck happened to 30 Rock? It was funny. It was very funny. Now not so much. I’m tired of Tina Fey mailing it in every week. BE FUNNY AGAIN! If “Liz Lemon” is going to say the same fucking jokes every week – “I eat weird things” “I’m not attractive” “I’m single and lonely and I make bad decisions” cry cry cry – then kill her character. I’m surprised I haven’t seen something online showing how formulaic 30 Rock has become.
As for the Winter Olympics? I have never been a big Winter Olympics fan because I’m not really into any of the events and I’m not really in love with any of the athletes this year. I don’t ski and I don’t care to watch other people ski. I’m not saying people shouldn’t ski or shouldn’t get awarded for it, but don’t expect me to care. Unless I was dating one of these hot downhill skiers or snowboarders who graced Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition this year then I just don’t care. I won’t lie. That is a tepid dream of mine to date/marry a female professional athlete.
I think it would be amazing. In a relationship one has to spend time doing things or being interested in things that the other person is into, right? Let’s say I marry or date Ana Ivanovic. So, I would get to just cheer from the sidelines at every major tennis event all year and be considered the greatest husband/boyfriend ever? Fucking amazing. I would love to be that over zealous sideline cheerer/backseat driver coach. COME ON, ANA! HIT HER WITH THE BACK HAND! FOLLOW THROUGH WITH YOUR SERVE! SHE ISN’T DEFENDING THE NET AT ALL! LISTEN TO YOUR COACH GUSTAF! THAT’S WHY WE PAY HIM THE BIG MONEY! COME ON, BABY! And then she hits a winner – YEAH, FUCK YEAH! THAT’S MY WIFE! YEAH, THAT’S MY GIRL THERE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! WOOOH! I LOVE THE FRENCH OPEN!
And when she is out training to be a professional athlete all the time, I can play videogames and write and practice my shit talking. On the subject of my love for female tennis players, I would choose Serena over Venus. And *cough-Simona Halep-cough* *cough-I love her and her…. – cough*. I feel like a professional athlete wife would need a lot of emotional support and I feel like I could do that very well as evidence on this blog. I’m a natural booster when need be.
If there are any female professional athletes or soon to be female professional athletes in the amateur ranks interested and reading this blog, I have to give you fair warning I will pick fights with any and all rivals’ husbands/boyfriends. That will happen. What if I’m married to Natalie Gubis, OH GOD LET ME BE SOON!, and she is playing in some big LPGA event. Natalie is playing or warming up or whatever it is that she does. I am at the country club’s bar with the VIPs, husbands/boyfriends, family and coaches. Let’s say I have had 5 Makers Mark and diet Cokes and an order of mozzarella sticks and it is noon. Maybe Lorena Ochoa’s fiancée Andres has had one too many cervesas tambien. Maybe I think I hear him say something like, “That was a bullshit call on 15. Gulbis’ ball was out of bounds. They should have marked it as such.” Now, I just want you to be aware that this may happen:
First – I would calmly take my 6th Makers Mark and diet Coke and throw it against the far wall as hard as I possibly can.
Second – I would approach Lorena Ochoa’s fiancée and politely ask, “What the fuck did you say? What the fuck did you say, Andres? WHAT THE FUCK, ANDRES!?! Did I hear you say something about the call on 15? DID I HEAR YOU!?! DID I HEAR YOU SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE CALL ON 15!?!”
Third – I would assess the situation. How many men are with Andres? Are there any beer bottles or glasses within reach for me to use as weapons? How nuts am I going to get?
Fourth – I punt Andres in the testicles as fucking hard as I can. I would then snatch every bottle or glass within arm’s reach and smash them over any attackers’ head. All the while screaming “THAT’S MY WIFE! THAT’S MY WIFE!”
I’m just saying I would fight for you, especially you Natalie Gulbis.
How many ponies make up a fleet, exactly?
At least four. A “fleet” needs to at some point recreate a Blue Angels flying formation. I think the four Blue Angels in the diamond is the least number intensive formation the ponies could be in. But preferably more ponies so they can do the flying V.
Are you saying that all pilots lead a double life?
I was rooting for the bear the whole time. I wanted to see the backup plan, for when/if the trained bear decided not to follow the script. What are they going to do at that point, send a ninja army in there to pull the bear off Willie?
Back-up plan? BACK-UP PLAN? First and foremost, Willie Williams needs NO BACK-UP PLAN! Secondly, this documentary takes place in the middle of a grass field in Japan in 1976 – there is no back-up plan. If somehow Willie Williams was killed – they would burn the videotape and bury his body in the woods or let the bear just eat him. That’s the “back-up plan”.
If you wrote an original movie containing the fine acting chops of both The Want, and The Lesser, Blonder, Want-In-Training (aka Dakota Fanning), what would the plot be?
I thought about this a lot ie my drive to work. I’m not entirely sure about Dakota. I was thinking more along the lines of Kristen because Dakota’s career is doing pretty well. If I was in control of Kristen’s career – FIRST – I would put a ton of my resources in getting her into the movie Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I have never read Pride and Prejudice nor have I seen the movie nor have I read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. But I love the idea for it. Plus Natalie Portman is the lead and David O. Russell is directing. Great things. I think Kristen needs to be in some comedies. Sarcastic films. Movies where her character actually has some fucking energy and so do the other characters. Not all this mellow dramatic melancholy bullshit. Characters that don’t just lie around and lament life. She’s had an entire career of that already and she’s 20.
I am a big believer in destroying whatever image the world has of you and starting over, so I would choose and think of roles that she has not done. That wouldn’t be too hard because as mentioned her roles currently have a lifeless element to them. Ugh life is so hard. Ugh it is so long and depressing. Ugh I wish someone would just do everything for me because I cannot help myself. Ugh.
COME ON! COME ON KRISTEN! We all know you listen to the Kings of Leon. No one who listens to the Kings of Leon is lacking energy. Listen to one of their dozen songs that sound exactly the same and try and stop yourself from singing along. You don’t need to know the lyrics at all. Just grunt yell along and you’ll blend in with the harmonies.
I did mention Dakota and Kristen making a Bonnie & Clyde movie. It would be more Thelma & Louise with a lot more energy than down home Southerness. She’s an attractive, successful, 20 year old, white girl – Those things have all the energy. Adventureland should have been good, but it sucked in comparison to what it could have been. She was young and supposedly “out of control”, right? Drinking! Why didn’t she have a scene where she gets wild and drunk instead of like sappy old WWII Vet drunk who drinks himself to sleep in a reclining chair?
What other thespian luminaries would you want to be in this potential powerhouse of modern cinema?
I think they need to pair Kristen Stewart up with someone who has energy as well. Not necessarily as the love interest. Every movie she is in doesn’t need a sappy love story involving her lethargic self. Put her in a film with Jim Carrey. She works for him and they get on crazy adventures together. Maybe she is his assistant and she is up tight. Maybe he is up tight as well. Maybe he finds out he is going to die and has no one to share his final days with, so he forces Kristen Stewart to get nuts with him and live life. That is formulaic, but it would be a beacon of shining gold light on her current sleeping until 4pm lazy gray filmography she has now.
For a person you loved deeply, would you be willing to move to a distant country knowing there would be little chance of seeing your friends or family again?
No. If it is forever then no. I may love this person “deeply”, but who says they are going to really replace what my friends provide me with. I need to be able to talk the lunacy I talk with them and not just over the phone and email. Also, anyone who would want to more or less break the relationships between myself and my friends/family would begin to be judged in a different way in my head and not a good way.
I’m saying no. I’ve never “loved” anyone “deeply”, so I’m not sure, but I would find it hard to believe they could replace all my friendships.
Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a remote house that is supposedly haunted?
Can I bring weapons? I’m not sure what weapons would hurt a “ghost” or “evil spirit”, but I would be willing to bring enough weapons to find out. I don’t know how much I believe in ghosts or evil spirits. What I do believe in is my imagination and its ability to make myself freaked the fuck out. One night I could deal with. There are working lights, right? I would probably just contain myself to one room and at all times be holding a gun while other guns were also within reach as well as samurai swords and Molotov cocktails.
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
I would regret not accomplishing any of my goals I have in life. I don’t know if there is anyone that I do know that I really regret not having told them something. Outside of asking out girls I should have asked out just for the hell of it at least, but outside of that I can’t really think of anything. Why didn’t I ask them out or tell them I liked them? Nerves. Typical bullshit. Worried about facing rejection. Regular stuff. I don’t think I hold any great secrets like that that need to be told to anyone.
President Barack Obama (PBO) – Jordan, you are the most remarkable person I have ever met. You dying will be the greatest loss this world has known since the untimely deaths of Martin Luther King, Jr., Len Bias, The Beatles’ John Lennon, Metallica’s Cliff Burton, and actor Heath Ledger because we all know now how much we would love to have seen The Joker in this upcoming Batman sequel. It is time for your final message to this world, what do you have to say?
Jordan (J) – I have a message for… *cough* *cough* *cough*
PBO – For who? Your family?
J – No.
PBO – Your friends?
J – No.
PBO – For the future generations?
J – No! You are the worst guesser.
PBO – Jeez. You don’t have to be a dick about it. What is your message then?
J – It is to all the women of this world… who I think are hot. To the hot women who were before my time and to the ones in the future. I think you are all hot and would have liked to have seen you naked or at the very least in a body paint bikini. It also would have been great to have gotten lap dances from you all individually and maybe some of you in pairs. I’m just saying – I think you all are hot in the most genuine way and not in some weird creepy fetish like I want to watch you pee way. You know, just you being hot was good for me. The face, the body, the butt, the breasts, legs and so forth. Yeah, that’s really all I can think of saying.
PBO – That’s beautiful.
J – Are you crying?
PBO – Tears of joy and tears of sorrow.
If you could spend one year in perfect happiness but afterward would remember nothing of the experience, would you do so? If not, why not?
Yes, I would want to experience perfect happiness. Even if I couldn’t remember it afterwards. For one year I would be in “perfect happiness”. In that year I would know it and would be loving. I’m not doing what I’m currently doing so that when I’m 60 I’ll remember it. I’m doing it because it is fun now. I get that I wouldn’t be able to reflect on it later in life, but really that is a small price to pay. We’re going to lose our minds most likely when we get old anyway.
What would your first act as President be?
Orgy in the Lincoln bedroom probably.
My first political act? I’m not sure, but I would spend my first month in office in meetings. Beginning to end of every day in meetings. I would definitely do informal one-on-one meetings with each Senator. Each one would get one hour. Not all in the Oval office. Maybe some are walking around the White House. Maybe some are in the kitchen. Some could be at a sporting event. Where ever they are I would get inside their heads. I would start the mental games early and often. Trying to win over a “party” is not going to be easy. People find strength inside a mob. But if they are alone they can be broken. If they are alone I can make a connection with them or instill fear in them. And once they are under my bidding then I do what I want. When midterm elections happen, I will bring in that new batch of Senators and do the same thing.
Also, I would reunite the 1992 Olympic gold medal winning United States of America’s Men’s Basketball team also known as The Dream Team and take a million photos with them.
Also, all Cascada’s songs would be the theme song for the first year of my Presidency. And Kingdom Hearts was the bomb.
Also, I would hold a regular gala with whoever is the “30 hottest under 30” stars. I would claim it would be to encourage the youth to be active in politics, but it would be to hit on chicks like Taylor Swift and try to talk her into one of the Lincoln bedroom orgies.
Oh yeah – nationalize healthcare, raise minimum wage, defeat terrorism, fix the economy, fix the banks, handle the mortgage crisis, deal with immigration, clean the environment, solve all religious and moral problems, legalize and tax weed and, most importantly, make the United States of America’s national soccer team kick ass and at least win a Bronze in the World Cup.
Have a great weekend.