Let’s start this story where all stories should start – Me.

I was sitting at home, eating dinner and casually forcing my parents to watch The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia because that is what I do. I “force” people to watch movies that will only make their lives a million times better. Sue me. When the movie ended, I got up to go to the bathroom to expel urine or some sort of waste from one of the two holes on the lower half of my body that accomplishes said tasks. I returned to find the TV had been, in a word, hijacked. Hijacked for the Grammys.

After I verbally abused my kinsmen for such disgusting mutiny, I then passive aggressively watched the next hour of the Grammys. I hate the Grammys. I always have and this year didn’t change anything. Who is nominated, I wouldn’t nominate. Who wins from those nominations, I would never give the award to based on those previous stupid nominations. I disagree with the event in its entirety.

I will skip past the Eminem/Dr. Dre/Rhiana performance, which might as well have been them performing “Too Legit To Quit” (which would have been 1000x better) because that damn song of theirs sounds like it was from forever ago. They performed that same song on the VMAs which were I think back in September. How behind are the Grammys? Jay-Z and Alicia Keyes’ song “Empire State of Mind” was nominated for something as well. Didn’t that song come out two years ago?! Let’s skip past the bad Mick Jagger performance and everything until we get to the now infamous Best New Artist category… dunh DunH DUNH!

The nominees were Drake, Mumford and Sons, Florence & the Machine, someone named Esperanza Spalding, and international boy toy Justin Bieber.

Clearly, you can guess who won? Is it really a question at this point who would win in this situation? All the Grammys are are a mass of pop artists and no one is a bigger pop artist than Justin Bieber. He is everywhere, he has a movie out, he is the current topic of every dream of every 12-16 year old girl and a lot of boys, after 16 he drops to about half of the dream topics until you reach mid-20’s, and then half of that for every 5 years after 25 and then shoots up back to 50% for women between 40-50 and then to finally close to 0% after 50, he accounts for 2% of Twitter traffic at any given moment, he did a guest appearance on every TV show last week to promote that damn movie, he’s in commercials, he is on the cover of magazines, and basically the media is trying to mentally force fuck our brains with this 5’3″ Canadian mop topped jailbait at all given moments during the day.

So who won?

JUST- …

ESPERANZA SPALDING!

This bitch! This jazzy bitch! This well… she doesn’t seem like a bitch at all. Her creamy cafe latte skin put a hex on those critics! Her wild afro of sexual prowess confused their brains! This evil, or perfectly nice lady with the legs and feet and pretty smile, temptress voodoo cursed the already simple minded Grammy folks and now they have forsaken this one and only category that was perfectly set-up for one and only one person to win and that, of course, is a little fella from the great white north that puts the smiles on the faces of all the 15 year old ladies, Justin Bieber.

BIEBER WAS ROBBED!

Seriously, look at this kid. The Biebs is giving the reverse Peace sign, which does not mean he likes war, it actually means double the amount of peace. That’s what the fuck this kid is about. DOUBLE PEACE! That is just science. What is Esperanza Spalding about? She likes and plays jazz music. That’s one thing we know. She likes to be apart of international conspiracies to rob the teenagers of this world the only thing they could have possibly asked for for Christmas and that was a Justin Bieber Grammy for Best New Artist. We know that much. Is she a communist? Who isn’t these days? Right?! The President is supposedly a communist. If a smart man like Barack Obama could get roped into this communism, are we saying that the pinko commies are not smart enough to allure Esperanza Spalding? Yeah, I didn’t fucking think so!

What do we really know about this cellist succubus? She has soft lips like silk pillows? I’m guessing so. It looks like it. It really really looks like it. Her eyes penetrate into my soul making me want to terrible things to barely legal Canadian boys in her honor as to appease her like some Egyptian queen. AHHHH!!! SHE HAS ME UNDER HER SPELLS! IT IS ALL HER TRICKS!!! HER JAZZ TRICKS!

Finally! Thank you, Justin Bieber, for breaking that pretty lady witch’s sorcery. Here is Justin Bieber and Usher. I think we all know what I think of Usher – he is a national treasure. So much of a national treasure than Nicolas Cage should be hunting for Usher around the globe to solve some riddle regarding the founding fathers and the future destiny of mankind. I believe Usher is hiding a secret fortune of riches on him at all times. What are those riches? His friendship. And he shares that friendship with Justin Bieber. So… FUCKING BOOM! BOOM FUCKING BOOM! Are you telling me that a friend of other national treasures like Arnold Schwarzengger wouldn’t be a friend of yours? Are you telling me that you would like cross at a man like Sven Ole Thorsen? ARE YOU?! ARE YOU ESPERANZA SPALDING?!

Look at it this way -

A national treasure (Usher and/or Arnold Schwarzenegger)

is friends with someone (16 year old international pop sensation Justin Bieber and/or Danish actor, stuntman, bodybuilder, athlete and former World’s Strongest Man Sven-Ole Thorsen)

and wouldn’t you want to be friends with that person regardless of knowing anything else about them?

That person has to be a great person because national treasures only consort with other potential national treasures.

I just feel like I have to defend this Justin Bieber kid for two reasons:

1. He’s a 5’3″, 16 year old, pop star from Canada. He can’t defend himself. One thing makes him weaker than the next. There are some strong 5’3″ people out there, but they’re also not 16 and pop stars nor are they Canadian. He isn’t built for confrontations.

2. Who else will?

I feel like I’m all alone on this. I mean is there anyone else out there with the balls to take on the Grammys? Seriously, they are just too strong of an institution that they have probably all the governments of the world humming to their Esperanza Spalding tune. I heard that the riots in Egypt were because the Grammys wished for them to happen. And then they blew on a fallen eye lash and Mubarak resigned. You know that type of shit happens when the Grammys are involved. I heard the Grammys stopped production on Crystal Clear Pepsi and pulled the plug on The Wire. I heard they killed the Archduke Ferdinand and made Cameron Diaz annoying. I heard they boiled a kitten’s whiskers and made Dave Chappelle crazy. I heard they danced naked at sunrise, which created the Spiderman Broadway musical. And I believe last night, they stored all happy tears of a generation of young girls and confused middle age women and spread them over the remains of smashed Justin Timberlake CDs and cursed Justin Bieber into not winning Best New Artist.

If you’re thinking to yourself – maybe the Grammys like Jazz? First -

THEY HATE JAZZ!

Secondly, Milli Vanilli won a Best New Artist award, so why not Justin Bieber? It is just seems idiotic.

And now as this fine upstanding young man has had his rightful legs taken out from underneath him, others are kicking him in the ribs… like Yahoo:

This is what the Bieber wore last night. I’m not in love with it, but they gave him a D-. They gave him as close to failure as possible regarding these clothes. The only way to fail at wearing clothes is by not wearing them and he is fully clothed. But a D-? They are cowards attacking this fallen child! And if you’re curious if they gave everyone a D-…

This received a B. B?! This was a B in Yahoo’s mind. I’m pretty sure that this wouldn’t fly in a restaurant or a Rite Aid. What the fuck?! This is a B?! That is way beyond a passing grade. Not only is it passing, but that is an endorsement for others to attempt to wear clothes such as these. That is the insanity that the Grammys has brought upon our society. Not a rightful award for the child whose laughter has brought many happiness and whose falsetto half rapping has been the anthem for many in their pursuit of not giving up on finding a teenage boy of their own dreams. Meanwhile, this gets a fucking B.

If you’re wondering – Lady Gaga’s egg scored higher than Justin Bieber in a tux.

A pox! A pox on all your houses!

Lastly, let me say that Harry Nilsson’s classic “Best Friend” is the title of this post and is also appropriate for Justin Bieber the gentle soul American ally that he is. Here are the lyrics -

People let me tell you ’bout my best friend,
He’s a warm hearted person who’ll love me till the end.

People let me tell you bout my best friend,
He’s a one boy cuddly toy, my up, my down, my pride and joy.

People let me tell you ’bout him he’s so much fun
Whether we’re talkin’ man to man or whether we’re talking son to son.


Cause he’s my best friend.
Yes he’s my best friend.
(scat finish).*

*I wish all my posts could end with a scat finish.

I’m back.

I’m sure you’re all happy that I’m back. Oh, we missed you. Oh, it was such troubling times without you. I don’t know how I made it through each day without your particular brand of wit and thoughtful analysis. Oh… well, it didn’t seem like you all missed me. Even during a 9 hour drive from Jersey City, NJ to Columbus, OH, I found time to post a picture of Ally the alligator with the “Fair Queen of Wanting IT” Kristen Stewart. The initial response was pretty much a “fuck you” for simply posting anything. Thank you all. Thank you so much.

I’m back.

Who knows why? Bunch of good for nothing cock teasing keyboard warrioreses talking shit on me each weekday. Make us laugh. Fuck you for making us laugh. That’s my life. I even twitter a tiny fraction of my crazy weekend which includes Snooki from the Jersey Shore. Response? Fuck you, guy. Get out of here. That wasn’t exactly your response, but I can read between the lines. And yes, I did talk to Nicole aka Snooki from the Jersey Shore in Columbus, Ohio in the backstage warm-up area for that evening’s Arnold Classic which is the premiere body building event of the Arnold Schwarzenegger Sports Festival.

I’m back.

I’m not sure how best to explain the past four days of my life. I’m not sure I can explain it at all. I have a difficult time assigning something as the “greatest” anything or my “favorite” anything. I have never been good at listing my “top 5” of really any subject. But if I had to make a list of the craziest 4 days of my life and/or the funniest 4 days of my life these past 4 days would have to be #1 or tied for it. I was in pain from laughing and feel I need a vacation just to recover from all the laughing. I’m utterly exhausted from laughing. I also did not sleep much the entire weekend. At this point, I am a walking zombie in this normal world. The fact that I will not see at least 30 people who are as big or similarly as big as Kai Greene (pictured above) today will be very very very different than the past four days. Not only see, but interact with.

I’m back.

If you are unaware, I was in Columbus, Ohio for the 22nd annual “Arnold Schwarzenegger Fitness Expo Sports Festival Greatest Event Thing Ever And The Most American Experience Of All Time”. Sincerely, I’m not entirely sure what the name of the event was even now. Some people called it the “Arnold Fitness Expo” some called it a “sports festival” and some called it “the wildest fucking place on Earth from Thursday March 4th through Sunday March 7th”. The last one was from me and from anyone who had their eyes open seeing the insanity at the event. All I know was once you arrived, at any number of the facilities housing some of the events, your brain was overloaded with just the wildest visual information.

I’m back.

I will never be able to fully explain the ridiculousness that was happening at all times. At one point, I finally had a chance to sit on Friday late afternoon. I was seated in the press section of the WEC – World Extreme Cage-Fighting – weigh-ins for the following night’s MMA event. I was surrounded by thousands of people who are all taking pictures, video, live-blogging or just watching an enormous stage waiting for professional fighters to stand on a scale in their underwear to make sure they are with-in the proper weight limits for their particular fight. To my farthest right about 50 yards or so away were two boxing rings in which amateur boxers were fighting. Closer than that were rows of booths selling clothes, energy drinks, weight lifting equipment, food, supplements et cetera. Closer than that was the United States Army forcing people into having push-up contests, which I and Dawgz were a part of at some other time. Closer than that were more booths and half naked fitness models pushing the products on everyone. Then a stage where professional fighters were getting weighed in their underwear to roaring applause. Then to my left was a 70 foot rock wall people were climbing. Then more booths with enormous muscleheads then a half basketball court where random basketball competitions were taking place. And farthest to my left was over a 100 prepubescent girls in a serious gymnastics competition. And techno music was blasting. And thousands of the randomest people on Earth walking around. And this scene was all pretty tame and only took up about 20 minutes of my 4 days in Ohio.

It also was a scene from one big room that was in a much bigger building. Also in that building was ping pong, cheerleaders, fencing, power lifting, still life painting, and countless of other events. This was also one building of several buildings. The other buildings had motivational speaking, competitive figure skating, body building and so on and so on. It really is just too much to try and sum up.

I guess the big question is, “did I meet Arnold Schwarzenegger?” The answer is simple: no. I did get to take part in an Arnold question and answer session which was brilliant. He also walked by me, about 5 feet from me, with his ass ton of security and Sylvester Stallone. Yep, good ole’ Sly was around as well. What was he doing? The two of them were on their way to a buffet lunch with vendors from the event. But before the lunch, Arnold was critiquing the painting finalists from the “Art At The Arnold” with Sly’s help. No fucking joke. I loved Arnold Schwarzenegger before this weekend and now I love him so much it hurts knowing I won’t see him again for maybe ever.

He is an Austrian born professional body builder turned action star turned A-list leading actor turned Governor of California. And he has a full head of hair. He is the greatest.

I’m back.

I’ll try to throw in some Arnold Expo stories throughout the week or few weeks or rest of my life, but right now I’m burnt out. Plus who even knows what you all want me to write about nowadays. I’ll throw in some topical news, so this whole post won’t be about the bubble of muscular craziness that I was in for the past four days.

Oscars

I hate the Oscars. They are a wildly irrelevant awards show that takes it self way too seriously. If you stop and look at the past Oscars and look at what was nominated and won and what wasn’t nominated and what didn’t win then you will notice that they generally get these awards wrong. Iconic films have not only not won awards, but some weren’t nominated in general. It is sheer ridiculousness that people take these awards seriously. Shakespeare in Love won Best Picture over Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line, and Life is Beautiful. Each one of those movies is a defining film in CINEMA history. Meanwhile, Shakespeare in Love is *shrugs*. A dime a dozen period piece that has almost no basis in history romance movie featuring a blonde who has destroyed her America’s sweetheart reputation and is wildly made fun of by all of the internet, the male lead is well who knows, Ben Affleck is one of the reoccurring main characters, and at best that movie is a chick-flick. Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line, and Life is Beautiful are transcendent works of art. That is just one example how The Oscars are stupid.

The Oscars proved that they are stupid again on Sunday night. I watched a little in my meth lab motel room on the outskirts of Columbus, Ohio. First and foremost, were the Oscars puts together by Ikea or Pier 1? What the hell was the lampshade motif they had going? It was stupid. The lampshades were stupid. But it worked because the Oscars are stupid, so they made sense having stupid lampshades everywhere.

And the You Got Served dance sequence to the original scores of the nominated films was highly stupid. Whoever thought of that and whoever allowed it to be executed were all high off their stupid asses on peyote to think any of that was appropriate or made sense or was “art” or anything intelligent.

But Kristen Stewart did look great at the Oscars. So there was that. She wants it.

The Hurt Locker is a good movie. At best I would say The Hurt Locker is a very good. I would not say “great”. If “current Iraq war films” was a genre of films then The Hurt Locker is the best one. It is the best amongst a slew of terrible films that barely talk about the current Iraq war. As far as the “realism” of The Hurt Locker? I have never spent a second in Iraq, the military, a bomb suit et cetera, but I would take the gamble and guess that many IED guys don’t get dressed in civilian clothes, leave the military base at night and then go on vigilante missions. Also, I would imagine the idea that these three IED guys who have no supervision throughout any of the movie is a little farfetched as well.

I liked the movie. I thought the bomb dismantling scenes were intense. I think Jeremy Renner was compelling as his character. I liked seeing Guy Pearce and David Morse for the seconds they were in it. I like Anthony Mackie. I thought the story was simple and small and showed that Kathryn Bigelow can direct a serious flick which looks great with a cast of relative no name actors. I think next year Kathryn Bigelow should go on the list of women 60 years and older that I and other guys would bang. I think the “realism” in the movie stems from it not being flashy, everything is fairly slow moving, everything is pretty dire, everything is dirty and gritty, but at the same time the movie feels very unrealistic. I’m not saying that is a “bad” thing, but just something. Everyone keeps saying how “real” it is. I’m not so sure it is that “real”. Do many IED bomb dismantlers intercept a team of British Special Ops in the middle of random sand dunes and engage in sniper duels all day by themselves?

I’m glad it won over Avatar.

Bitch List

Well, that is hysterical. It seems like every women’s website and vagina haver on the internet has seen and put their two cents in about this “types of bitches” list. I’m taking you the commenters’ word for it that the list was discovered in a 3rd grade classroom in Washington D.C. Am I the only one who thinks that the girl from Precious wrote this list? Or a girl who looks wildly similar to her?

I think it is pretty obvious that a young black female wrote this. I feel like it was the work of one girl in particular and not a gaggle of girls. It reads extremely hostile obviously and of a singular mind. I think everyone at one time or another has hit a wall with human beings and feels the need to vent. In that moment of displeasure they just set a blaze every possible combination of personalities they are indeed tired of. The big mystery seems to be “what is on the missing page 4?” I would venture to guess that “90” is also not the last “type of bitch” this girl thought of.

My favorite number is “69) pajamas outside bitches”. That is fucking brilliant. That is a “bitches” that applies to all races of “bitches” and economic standing as well. Not that I’m against “pajamas outside bitches”, but it is something that has become common place in today’s society for whatever reason. I have noticed it as well. And it is nearly 2/3’s down the list which I feel like means she really sat there and thought about that one.

Henry Rollins has a great metaphor about writing and comparing it to flying an airplane. When you start writing and when an airplane takes off, they both burn a ton of fuel. It requires a large portion of fuel to be used to just get the plane up in the air. It requires a lot less fuel to keep the plane in the air. When you start writing it is a load of emotions coming out that just consumes space. But eventually you’ll get into the air and plateau. Once you plateau and are flying, the use of fuel is more efficient. It is more deliberate. There is a low percentage chance she went and wrote 90 “types of bitches” in one felt swoop. It took time. I would imagine there was great gaps in time between the deciding of certain “bitches”. Some came out in clumps*, but a lot of it was a complicated process of decisions and the analyzing of “bitches” she has seen in society. One of them was bitches who wear pajamas outside. And I have seen them too.

I’m back.

I lied.

I said that today’s post was going to be me analyzing a bunch of Kristen Stewart pictures. This is where the lie comes in – today’s post is not about me analyzing a bunch of Kristen Stewart pictures. That will probably be a post for next week. Awww I know. I’m such a bastard. I got everyone’s hopes up for one type of insanity and instead you’ll get another branch of insanity. Feel free in your disappoint to write terrible terrible things about me, but for love of God don’t stop coming to this site. It is all I have. So what is today’s post about then?

Today’s post is a serious one. Today’s post is about a nation divided. Today’s post is about our dwindling moral society. Today’s post is about the collapse of the modern family. Today’s post is about the downfall of Western Civilization. Today’s post is about the signs of our impending Armageddon. Today’s post is about why God doesn’t care anymore. Today’s post is about the frailty of humanity. Today’s post is about sadness. Today’s post is about catastrophe. Today’s post is about you and me and how we will never know true happiness. Today’s post is about:

 

 

ICE CREAM

Or closer to the point, the lack of ice cream eating in this world. Everyday I peruse Google for Kristen Stewart pictures. I usually just type her name in and then click on the pages randomly. It is rare for me to know exactly what picture I want in particular because all I truly need is a picture of her “wanting it” and that is all pictures. But there have been a few occasions where I had a specific image in mind, for instance the picture of Kristen Stewart and her toy green gun jammed down the front of her pants. This time, I was looking for another specific image, but I was not sure if it actually existed: Kristen Stewart eating ice cream. And I couldn’t find one.

I came to a conclusion on Monday, while writhing around in pain from my hangover, that there should be more pictures of people eating ice cream. As my body tried to digest and filter out nearly a full bottle of vodka, several red bulls, and over a dozen beers, I fixated on that idea: where are all the pictures of people eating ice cream? Are people not eating ice cream anymore or is it that they are not willing to be photographed while eating ice cream? And when I mean people, I mean the real people, I mean celebrities. Let us tackle this issue head-on. We will do this together with me doing all the heavy lifting. You all will channel your collective powers into me where I will meld those powers with my power to become stronger much like Goku when he defeated Brolly in the 8th Dragonball Z movie (How smart could I really be? I watch cartoons.)

I can’t find a picture of Kristen Stewart eating ice cream. What is this world coming to? There are literally millions of pictures of this girl doing everything from riding piggyback to pumping her own gas, but I couldn’t find a picture of her eating ice cream. This is distressing. There are millions of pictures of Kristen and her damn mullet. There are millions of pictures of her wanting it in millions of scenarios, but not a fucking picture of her eating ice cream. Maybe my Google broke. I don’t know. And I’m not talking about her eating ice cream in a movie. I want to see the real thing. I want to see K-Stew chowing down on some ice cream.

I thought with all the paparazzi out there taking pictures of Kristen Stewart all day everyday there had to be at least one of her enjoying some ice cream. Without any pictures of Kristen Stewart eating ice cream, what about other celebrities? There are pretty much zip. No celebrities eat ice cream. I typed in the names of some of the biggest celebrities in the business and was shocked I couldn’t find pictures of them eating ice cream. It is ridiculous. How about Tom Hanks?

Nope. But there is that lovely picture. What the fuck, Tom? I can’t find a picture of Mr. 2x Oscar Winner eating a double scoop, but I can find a picture of him flipping me off! This is bullshit. Hey, Tom Hanks, why don’t you quit making shit pseudo-action movies about Jesus? And how about we sit down and enjoy some MF-ing ice cream. Huh? Do you not have time in your busy schedule of making priests as assassin films to eat some “Rocky Road” or “Cookies and Cream”? I can’t believe there is a picture of him flipping me off and not one picture of him eating “Mint Chocolate Chip”. Fuck you, Tom Hanks.

What about Tom Cruise?

Nope. There are a ton of pictures of him and his daughter, Suri. She is a kid, right? Where is the God damn ice cream? I know we have a weight issue in America, but for fuck’s sake get that kid some ice cream! Come on, Tom. I hate the paparazzi and I hate that they take hundreds of pictures of these people when they are just out spending time with their kids, but it is opening up my eyes that these kids are not getting any ice cream. Tom you have a beautiful healthy daughter with a precocious left eye and you have given her a much needed pink stuffed animal to play with, but where is the damn ice cream? Besides the kid, I bet Tom Cruise enjoys ice cream as well. Hey Tom, why don’t you spoil yourself with some “Pistachio Almond”?

Also, this picture is adorable.

The closest I could find of pictures of at least Suri eating ice cream was there is this one with her mother, Katie Holmes.

She has a plastic spoon in her right hand. In Katie’s left hand appears to be a generic disposable paper cup/bowl. The elusive cup/bowl. I think we all know what usually appears in said cup/bowls: ice cream. It is two syllables and you know you love to say it. Ice cream. But we can’t be sure. We can guess. We have circumstantial evidence that ice cream may be happening in this picture, but I don’t think it is enough to go to trial with. Katie Holmes was good in Go! and she was naked in The Gift and it seems like she gives her daughter ice cream. I approve of Katie Holmes.

What about Halle Berry? One of the most (top 10?) attractive women to ever walk this Earth, are there pictures of her eating ice cream? I couldn’t find any. But…

KA-BLAM! Who fucking cares about ice cream anymore after seeing that picture? It is just like POW! POW! When that picture hits your eyeballs. This picture is like one of those Magic Eye posters where if you stare at it long enough other images will come to you, namely Halle’s face. I assure you that Halle’s head is also in this picture. It may take a lot of time and energy for you to realize that, but it is there. Once you do see her face you will notice something about it besides how beautiful it is. She is not eating ice cream. I know! WTF! I am just as frustrated as you, if not more so. Halle Berry seems like a lovely woman who I would never be able to talk to because I would be frozen in a coma like state from how hot she is, but a lovely woman nonetheless who smiles and laughs. And I bet she likes some MF-ing ice cream. I would put money on it. I don’t care if you are lactose intolerant, you can put some of that ice cream in you with a smile on your face. What about some sprinkles on top? (jimmies?)

What about Brad Pitt? Brad is a phenomenal actor. I know a lot of people don’t want to say he is a great actor because he is so stupid handsome, but he is great at acting. I’ve said it before that I think Fight Club is perfect and he is a big reason for that. Needless to say, I’m a big fan. So, let’s get down to business – where is the ice cream?

I don’t see any ice cream and I think that is exactly what Zahara is thinking as well. I hope I got her name right. I had to look it up. I really don’t follow tabloid or personal stuff with actors. I watch the movies and that’s it, but anyway that kid wants ice cream. I know that. I didn’t need a tabloid or Access Hollywood to tell me that. Hey, Brad. You’re a great actor and arguably the best looking man of your generation, but have you ever heard of ice cream? You know it is usually in the freezer section of the supermarket. It is in so many flavors, you wouldn’t even believe it. So, uh where is it? Why aren’t you eating it? I’m not sure what is in that box (Awww! Come on! What’s in the box!?! What’s in the box!?!) or what is in that fancy wrapper in his hand, but it doesn’t look like ice cream. I think Zahara is wondering “I have motherfucking Brad Pitt carrying me around, but no ice cream. Mr. $20 million a movie here hasn’t mentioned ice cream once. He is walking around with that stupid hat and sunglasses, don’t get me wrong he is pulling them off, but ice cream has not been brought up for a second.” Again, I am 900% positive I’ve seen Brad Pitt eat ice cream in movies, but in real life I’m coming up short with visual evidence. Come on Brad, just a scoop of “Fudge Ripple”?

Sidenote: If you feel like you need to learn something from this blog, besides the lack of ice cream eating by celebrities and how terrible that is, then here is this fun fact: Pancho Villa didn’t drink alcohol, he ate ice cream.

After all this searching (I searched about 10 other A list celebrities), I had a hard time find celebrities eating ice cream or even holding ice cream. I found a couple with an ice cream in hand or standing near an ice cream store, but none of them was diving into an ice cream cone like I wanted. But… I finally found one. I found one celebrity that is really eating ice cream. And it just had to be him too. I present to you the greatest celebrity of them all!

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Fuck yeah! Look at him! He is fucking eating the shit out of that ice cream. He is enjoying the hell out of that thing. He is like elbow deep in that ice cream. It is a waffle cone! Arnold is no joke devouring that ice cream. This is priceless. I’m so happy and fulfilled knowing that Arnold Schwarzenegger is scarfing down waffle cones in real life. That isn’t an outtake from Predator that is Arnold taking some personal time to tear into a waffle cone of ice cream. I love it. Doesn’t it make you feel happy just looking at that picture? Look at him. His teeth are exposed and he is biting into that thing. I guarantee he is a happy former 7x Mr. Olympia Champion eating that ice cream. That ice cream is bringing joy to the Terminator’s heart. Celebrities could learn a lot from Arnold Schwarzenegger and the first thing might be to enjoy some God damn ice cream out in the open like a normal human being.

And with that, what about Kristen Stewart? I think Kristen Stewart wants some ice cream. I know she wants “IT” all the time and that never changes. I think a little ice cream may help all that wanting. She has to feel burned out from wanting it all the time, I think some sweet ice cream may help her unwind. Sometimes you need to heal the temporal you and sometimes that medicine is ice cream.

It says a lot about how cynical society is today that it was hard for me to find pictures of celebrities enjoying ice cream. I think we as a people need to know how to relax better and spend some time together eating ice cream. Honestly, I can probably count on my hand how many times I have eaten ice cream this year and that is sad to me. Summer is officially over with Labor Day weekend long gone and I think I may have had ice cream twice (both were for someone’s birthday). I see I’m not alone because it is few and far between with these celebrities and them eating ice cream. And ice cream is cheap. And there are more and more ice cream stores everyday it seems. For eff’s sake there is “gelato”. I don’t trust gelato, but it is out there.

I know and we all know that Kristen Stewart wants IT and IT is more than just ice cream, but get that chick some ice cream. And take a picture of it.

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