KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Gerber Edition

Editor’s Note: Thank you to friend and confidant Matthew Gerber, Esquire for today’s insightful post. KSWI is 3 for 3 on these Guest Blogger Wednesdays. Please if you would like to write a Wednesday post send me an email at jordankswi@gmail.com . I promise all blood and semen testing is less painful than advertised. Onto the post…

Hello KSWI Readers,

My plan for this guest post was to not have a plan. Then I got kind of nervous when I saw that Jordan had so many commenters, and thought that maybe I should string together a plan. Unfortunately, that thought did not manifest itself into actual action. I am planless. I am working on my own blog (blogdogdotorg.wordpress.com) that focuses on my love of hot dogs, as well as my terrible running career, and that’s like 75% of what I care to write about. So, I am left with no choice but to write about something I am conversational in, and that is my never-ending series of gripes with things happening in porno.

For those of you unfamiliar with Jordan’s blogging past, the elusive Dawgz and myself used to write a semi-frequently updated blog that eventually died of AIDS. My only purpose for bringing up painful ghosts is to point out that I have written about this before. I am pretty mad at porno on a daily basis. I am aware that statement leads the reader to deduce that I watch porn daily. That deduction is correct, so let’s move on and stop judging me. My biggest problem is something that Jordan actually researched when I wrote about it the first time, and it is called the “bob shot”. I am not sure that words can describe how angry this phenomenon makes me. If I was Kristen Stewart, I would do this to the bob shot:

For those unfamiliar, here is my description of the bob shot. Imagine that you are enjoying a sensual adult video, and the position is about to change to the woman sitting down on a couch/chair, and the man is standing up, facing the couch. Then, the camera pans around behind the dude, and you can now see the following things: 1) the dudes back/asshole, 2) the dudes penis from behind, 3) a very small window of the girls vagina. More often than not, the camera is aimed directly into the guys asshole, and maybe 15% of the human skin visible is that of a woman.

Here is my question, in run on sentence form: Why would anybody watching a porno, probably about 90% of whom are dudes, want to watch a scene that focuses the camera into a man’s asshole, and have absolutely no view of the woman’s face or stomach or chest? When the camera pans around to get started on its slow zoom into the guys ass, I get incredibly angry and have either fast forward or turn the video off. My other question is, clearly dudes hate this angle, do girls like it????? Do women like extended shots of a guys ass and back while he is banging??? I don’t really care, because I hate it, but I just want to know if there is a point to this angle.

A similar problem is when they do extreme close-ups on the guy’s face at any point. Why? I mean, I get it, girls watch pornos too, and maybe this is appealing to them, but it makes me want to murder people. I don’t think I’m homophobic but it’s an issue for me to be watching a porno and then out of nowhere be staring at a dude’s face for 30 seconds while I may or may not be attending to my no-no zone.  And I don’t just laugh it off. My issue is that my hatred rises to epic levels. I really, really, really get mad. Like “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME???????” mad, which is pretty mad.

Next, I hate loud dudes in pornos. If you are a dude in a porno, and you’re really loud while fucking, or talking too much, the odds of me continuing to watch are zero. How could any straight man possible maintain an erection while listening to a dude screaming random nonsensical porno shit over and over again. It is impossible. If I wanted to experience loud sex with a dude I would have called your grandfather. Yet, it happens over and over again (loud dudes in pornos, I only occasionally have sex with your grandfather). The perfect storm is a dude who will not shut the fuck up while his asshole is being filmed in close up bob shot style. If there is a hell, there is a TV playing a loop of this scene and a chair with restraints that sinners are confined to.

I also hate really long pornos. We live in a time when you can click a random link to a porn clip, and it turns out to be a whole hour long movie. That might seem cool, but porn directors are the masters of wasting time. If a porn is an hour long, the first 15-20 minutes are always a worthless attempt at someone acting, or an interview, or god forbid some kind of plot. Then there’s always about 25 minutes of foreplay, and then the last 20 minutes or so there is actual banging. Listen, I get it, most porn actors think that this is just how they’re going to make some extra money while they are waiting for their legitimate movie career to start. Somehow, though, every person in a porno is the worst actor ever. Well, actually, I have to take that back because the worst actor ever is President Charles Logan from 24, Gregory Itzin:

So, everyone in porno is in a tie for 2nd place as the worst actor in the world. Just because you’re in front of a camera doesn’t mean I want to see you pretend to have a phone conversation pretending to ask your best friend if you can bang her brother. YOU’RE GONNA DO IT ANYWAY!!! I think I’d actually pay to see a movie where a 19 year old girl is sitting on her bed, and the friends brother is outside mowing the lawn shirtless, and the girl calls her friend to ask if she can bang her brother.

Girl:  OMG, your brother is so hot, why can’t I bang him??????
<pause>
Girl: Oh, Ok. Nevermind. You’re a good friend, I won’t bang him.

[End Scene]

Stop patronizing your friend with the fake phone call, you’re going to bang her brother because you are of legal age and enjoy exploring your sexuality!!!!!!

Finally, I would like to discuss how terrible porn is once you are ready to put your pants back on. Sometimes I compile a few clips I might get to, time permitting. Often times I am left with a few videos that I didn’t get to, and without fail I instantly delete them. This doesn’t make much sense, because just a few moments ago they “made the cut” of movies I might enjoy. Two minutes ago, I could not wait to watch some random girl get banged, but now I have no interest in even fast forwarding to see what happens. This really has nothing to do with how pornos are made it’s just some strange psychological phenomenon that scientists will have to spend CENTURIES decoding. One day our children will write an advanced college thesis about why porno is great one moment, and terrible the next.

I also get that people have different preferences. There may be someone reading this whose favorite moments of any porno are when they pan around to start shooting the guys ass for the next 10 minutes, or may really be looking forward to when the do a close up on the guy making some retarded face for a while. If you are one of those people, rest assured there is no lack of your favorite porn moments on the internet.

Here are my suggestions, and my knowledge of existing solutions. First, I know some people might say, “If you hate porno so much, just stop watching it!” To that I respond, how dare you. I love porno enough to care, and try to improve it. I know that there are websites and movies that feature only movies that have no men in them. That would totally eliminate the bob shot and dudes yelling during the tender moments. There are also no extreme close ups on dudes’ faces while I might be involved in something private. The problem is that lesbian porn gets boring, and frankly I don’t even mind that there are penises in the room. I don’t even mind close-ups on penises. But asshole and face close-ups have to go. One great development in the porno industry is the POV, or “point of view” shot, which is essentially shot from the dude’s perspective. The POV shot is a sign that we truly can address society’s problems in an effective manner.

Sure there may be some terrible things going on in the world, but people are smart enough to fix them. The economy sucks right now, but I have confidence it will rebound. There have been a ton of natural disasters, but the ship always seems to right itself. And in the same vein, pornos exist that totally eliminate all of the things that piss me off.  I won’t rest until a wide breadth of porn exists where males are participating, but only how I see fit. One day I will open a school where our motto is “Men in pornos should be seen, unless they are being shot from behind or it’s a closeup of their face, and not heard.” That will be a great day in American history, a day we can all be proud of. That day….will be my new Independence Day.