The Golden Years Of Television: To Catch A Predator

Earlier this week, the website Buzz Feed posted 25 screen captures of what they thought were the best from the greatest television show to ever be on television ever To Catch a Predator.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-25-best-to-catch-a-predator-screencaps-ever

In short, I will repost these pictures and add a witty line or two, if you’re lucky, about these screen grabs.

And so it begins…

I too have trouble controlling my “horny level”. I understand your plight well blindsey_01.

Oh right, some of you might not know or not remember what To Catch a Predator is and probably showing you a screen capture of a man probably in his 20′s talking about his inability to control his “horny level” was wildly unexpected to you.

To Catch a Predator began as a one-off special episode for Dateline NBC, which is a one hour news show on NBC that focuses on features articles and not just day-to-day news. They decided one magical day to begin work on an article exposing would-be child molesters who try to pick up underage kids online. They did this with a group called “Perverted Justice”, which would be an excellent name for your band and/or first album for that band.

Working with local law enforcement, “Perverted Justice” would go online and arrange dates/meetings with some sickos in online chat rooms looking to bang a 13 year old girl and/or boy and then when the person arrives at the house….!

NBC’s Chris Hansen was there waiting to see you and talk to you about what ludicrous things you were about to do.

After Chris Hansen questioned and thoroughly humiliated most of the people, they would leave said house to be arrested by local police. This show did a lot of good. I don’t know how many of those people ended up in jail or are still in jail, but nothing can be said bad about fucking with child molesters, screwing with their lives, maybe sending them to jail and at the very least hopefully making them think twice about MOLESTING CHILDREN.

For whatever good the show did, that is not the point. What is the point is that Chris Hansen was the star of arguably the funniest television show to ever exist. I started rewatching To Catch a Predator which is all over Youtube and the show is still too funny. After all, the news is entertainment and Chris Hansen is unreal entertaining. From his quips to his long drawn out pauses to him just re-reading their chat logs back to them. BRILLIANT!

Anyway, now that we’re all clued in -

Hey blindsey_01 I can think of two things that could help you control your horny level:

1. The orc sword of Menisrah has a horny suppressing element of 2, is fire resistant and can deal damage to black mages, which we all know it’s hard to find a weapon that can physically damage a black mage and help with controlling the fire damage they deal out.

2. The mirror. Your face could help lower anyone’s “horny level”.

How about we put this under the “let’s not and say we did” category? Alright? Cool.

I would advise changing your underwear everyday and unless you’re hiking and not near a washing machine then you shouldn’t be in a situation where you are wearing the same underwear for 3 days straight. It gets funky down there and the underwear is the first thing that is touching the funk.

Also, if you are flirting with someone and their response is “4 relz?” then you should stop unless you are flirting with Flavor Flav. And “wrestlingdudeeasttn”? He doesn’t look the type to have been wrestling in East Tennessee and looks more like he was watching wrestling in East Tennessee.

This could be my favorite. It appears “Sugardavis” has tourette’s syndrome and his tick of choice is telling people to blaze. Besides “Sugardavis” being a child molester he is also a terrible mentor for young children. Lastly, I feel like “Sugardavis” should just go for the cycle and buy an unregistered firearm and shoot an endangered animal because he is already propositioning a minor for sex and planning on doing illegal drugs with them. He must have woke up really early that day.

Also, maybe I’m just reading into things, but I feel like “Sugardavis” would be a real prick about his music selection. Shut up, buddy. I don’t care what you say, The Grateful Dead are not the best band of the 70′s plus you’re a child molester.

Stage 4 clinger. What is with these guys? You’re a child molester! Not a 110 year old vampire in her science class. Don’t you see the difference?

If you really wanted to hear more from “hambubger” then fear not…

What?! I don’t know what is more disturbing to me:

1. A grown man who is asking a 13 year old to just wear pink panties when she greets him at the door?

or

2. A 13 year old girl who has the motivation to go online and orchestrate a sexual rendezvous with a 40 year old man, but not have the drive to go to the local Rite Aid and pick up themselves a pack of M&Ms?

Yeah, it is definitely #1.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

This would be such a good Facebook or twitter profile picture if it weren’t for the fact that it belongs to a child molester.

By the way, I am not a child molester and I do have a twitter account – http://www.twitter.com/jordan_is_ok – I write some funny quips and link to 80′s music videos, so that rules.

I’m not a detective, but he’s talking about “anal”. First off, I find it comforting to know that there are at the very least 6 other “lovesource” in the world. People are so cynical about today’s world and to know that there is just this many sources of love is a good thing. How many sources of love were there in the 50′s? Who knows, but I bet having at least 7 of them now is a tough number to conquer for the 50′s. Also, that may very well be “lovesource7″ minutes before going to his prom in that picture. Lastly, if “lovesource7″ is willing to “believe” anal is enjoyable “to the ladies” then you might as well go for it. Would “lovesource7″ lie? Really? Who is cynical now?

Yeah. There are 7 “lovesource” and there are 8 “meatrocket”. Yeah. That sounds about right. Couldn’t have chosen a more appropriate name for this man than “meatrocket8″. All class. This guy is just a class fucking act. Someone needs to do a psychological study on people choosing screen names and first up should be “meatrocket8″ because BOOM! that isn’t a passive aggressive screen name at all. You can’t escape the “meatrocket” either I would imagine. It’s a rocket. It’s made of meat.

Having trouble relating to the younger generation? Drop a “waz sup” on them. That will blow their fucking minds. Especially if you are rocking a Tom Selleck on your face.

Oh he certainly is. This guy has the soul of a Nascar driver in the body of a middle age child molester – if that isn’t a tale set to be written for Hollyweird then I don’t know what is. I’m also guessing “toofast4yall” was taken and this guy wouldn’t let that genius go to waste, so he tacked on the 2003 for good measure. Generally speaking, a year marker at the end of a screen name is either a birth date or a start date on the internet. This man could have been born in 1953 instead of 2003, so I’ll guess 2003 is the beginning of his world wide web experience. This TV show is several years old at this point, so it did not take long for “toofast4yall” to use the new idiot box to troll for kids. He is “too fast” “4″ us “all”.

Truth. The “decoy” cannot beat a person up or use them as a toilet over the internet… BUT hopefully that is what those scientists are up to nowadays. God darn it! I want to make someone my toilet over the interwebz NOW! Seriously, my question is does a submissive like this dude clearly is or wants to pretend he is have to be a submissive to an underage kid? Come on! How weird does your sex have to get? Can’t it just be your getting slapped around by an adult? Can’t you just get peed on by a person of a legal drinking age? What’s the big deal? I mean why can’t he just meet a nice girl who voted in the 2008 general election and have her kick him in the ribs and then shit on his head?

Hahahahahahah. I MUST GO SHOPPING. On the forum I go to, this was their favorite. They were pitching the potential of an internet meme around this guy’s “I MUST GO SHOPPING”, which I fully support. He’s also great just for his shouty caps. DO U HAVE ANY COUNDOM. Do eye have any coundum? I’m a fan of his spelling of “coundum” because it is incorrect and he clearly must not pronounce the word condom correctly when he says it. It also makes me imagine him saying the world out loud trying to figure it out phonetically. Also, the “any” is great. Do you have “any” coundum? You have no of them. There are so many coundoms in the world, how do you no have any of them? I MUST GO SHOPPING.

Judging by the pixelatedness of that image, that Asian man is nekkid. He doesn’t know how to spell condom, but at the very least he is promoting safe sex when trolling the internet for children. He’s teaching a valuable lesson to the children.

Definitely a high school year book photo. Also, I know it doesn’t say “Jay Leno”, but saying “J teno” in my head makes me think of “Jay Leno”. That has nothing to do with the late night talk show host, but I’m just saying what is going on in my brain. Also, the numbers after “teno” being 72960 is either a zip code or a birth date of a much older person than the depressed looking soccer jersey wearing guy in the photo.

Can’t argue with that. You absolutely cannot argue with that logic. Sometimes people “just” do anal sex first. I mean sometimes that happens. Sometimes you “just” do anal sex. It’s no big deal. It’s “just” a penis in your butt hole. I mean sometimes people “just” watch reruns of The Office on TBS because they have nothing else to do. I’ve also wanted to talk about this subject before the “you have anal sex and you’re still a virgin” concept. That is some phenomenal bullshit right there. I would never call a girl who has a dude’s junk up her butt – virginal. You catch my drift? She’s not wearing white on her wedding day without a room full of stares and head shakes if they all know about the open door policy on her butt. No father on this Earth has been relieved to hear that his daughter “just” had anal sex with the guy. You know what I’m saying!

Even a grown ass woman shouldn’t date “icetruckkiller103″. First off, “icetruckkiller”? Is that a reference to Dexter? If it is or not there are 40,000 other guys waiting to hear from you on OkCupid and they don’t have a serial killer reference in the title of their name. Secondly, your first date with the dude is going to be getting high and watching Family Guy and then seeing where that “takes us”? What is he your freshman college roommate? Dinner and a movie, dickbag, That’s pretty much standard. We are not getting high off your dirt weed on your dirt couch in your dirt t-shirt watching a TV show that hasn’t been relevant since South Park ruined it years ago with the manatee episode.

lovermangenuis

KA-FUCKING-BLAM!

Oh man, that is gold. You’ve got me sold on a name that starts off with “lover”. Right there you are already at an “A” and you have two more words to go. Second word is “man”. Kind of threw me for a loop, but I’m not against it. “loverman” is a pretty great combo and I cannot think of a word that could follow the “loverman” tag team that wouldn’t deliver. “genuis”. Fucking grade A plutonium weapons grade explosive world ending BRILLIANT! Fucking brilliant. The “loverman” misspells “genius” as “genuis”. Fuck that is good. I could eat that goodness breakfast, lunch and dinner and never get sick of it. That is a meal that keeps on reinventing itself. And he’s a shirtless muscly black dude with absolutely no hair anywhere to speak of. What more could you fucking want people!?!

Boom. That conversation happened.

I don’t know when that conversation happened on this planet Earth, but I would bet top dollar that you were not having anywhere near as good of a conversation at that moment in time. That’s quite a lot of “talk” if it requires “condums”. If you’re “talking” to someone to the point that there is a chance you could get “pregs” then that is one hell of a talk. Also, if you know a “Sebastian” in life and you don’t call him “Sea Bass” then you have been wasting your time with that friendship. What’s the point of knowing a Sebastian if you’re not going to call him Sea Bass? There is no point.

Boom. Round fucking two.

Unreal conversation. Unreal that “bob” who clearly started his travels on the intangible http networks of the world on October 28th, 2001 is ratcheting this convo up to that level. Can’t you imagine this slobbering middle age man eating ice cream in general? That shit will be all over that mustache. It would be every where. And for people who think that “Perverted Justice” wasn’t fucking with these guys and having fun – “funky monkey”? They could have said anything after that dumbass comment of him eating ice cream off of some kid, but they decided to write “funky monkey”. That is humor there. That is entertainment. Those people are genuis.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Again!!!!! “Perverted Justice” are funnier than any George Carlin stand-up ever. Oh really, George Carlin? Catholicism is stupid because they believe there’s a man in the sky with super powers? That’s a real knee slapper. How about next time you try cornering a sex offender on the internet and when they ask if you’re a cop you give ‘em a “durr”. That is fucking funny. “Durr”!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Go out into this world and when someone asks you a question give them a “Durr” with a capital “D” in response and you will be having a good time.

Is this what child molesters talk to kids about? Boot shopping? Unbelievable. You couldn’t write that. Who would guess? Boots. Then the “Perverted Justice” person just goes with it. “wow u mean for like big ones”? Hahahahah who the fuck talks like that?! If I was trying to get into someone’s pants over the internet – regardless of age – I could never imagine telling them we could go boot shopping. After that, if they responded with “wow u mean for like big ones?” – regardless of age – I would think they are retarded. Like in the medically retarded sense.

The next one is the greatest follow-up ever…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

There certainly was an elephant in the room about this whole “boot shopping”.

Are you telling me this TV show was free? I feel like I need to give someone money because this show was so fucking funny. That is an unfortunate, but true rhyme.

I threw up. Ohhhh that is disgusting. Why is that so disgusting? Is it because he kind of looks like Louis CK and is holding that dog? Someone needs to get that dog away from him. I fear for the dog. Ugh – I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat anything with “noodles” again. I just reread it and threw up in my mouth again. Why does it sound so graphic? I’m thoroughly disgusted by this man. I need to avert my eyes not to by chance read this again.

The final two pictures are of the same molester and they kind of sum up how I feel after thinking about these people and other people like them out in the world…

And this is for the “noodle” comment…

So again, it was basically the greatest TV show ever.

I wish they had it back every week.