My Comic Book Nerd Fury Is OVER 9000!!!!!

This past weekend was another meaningless 48 hour stretch of life on this stupid spinning rock. It was also COMIC CON! Yeah, wooh! Yeh hayah! Nerds! Woooooh. “Comic Con” is short for Nerd Jihad on Southern California. It is the premiere happenstance for Hollywood, America to present their worth to Nerd, Universe. Generally speaking, that means that the big ballin’ film studios present their perfect looking super-homo-sapien-sapiens who will appear in the movies these nerds nightly masturbate to their source material and pray to a fork tongued God to make it all real.

“Comic Con” is also a great place where to see the division of our resident and greatest caste system in the world: the “chosen people by the Lord Almighty to live wonderful lives” and the “idiots in the crowd who cheer those other people who couldn’t care less about them”. With all the hootin’ and hollerin’ and cheerin’ and soft weepin’ – the reality of Comic Con (or at least the movie presentations) is that a whole bunch of people who have spent years of their lives agonizing over and spent a bunch of money they barely have on a litany of books, comic books or video games and then a series of very wealthy people who most likely have never spent a second thinking about these books/comic books/video games will then have the deciding opinion on how this work, they all love so much, will be represented in the biggest art medium and then commercially distribute around the world.

BUT … the beautiful actors have question and answer sessions with the mouth breathing public to everyone’s delight. Robert Downey Jr. is talking to me! Or actually in my general direction because he can’t see that I was the one asking the question! But that’s good enough!

This is all cynical I know, but it’s pretty much that. This year’s Comic Con was a frenzy over any and all information concerning the up-coming Marvel superhero films. These are Captain America: The First Avenger, The Avengers and Thor. I will not mince words or shred them or grate them or flambe them or cover them in hollandaise sauce or boil them … I think all these movies will suck. SUCK. SUCK!

Why? Oh why? But why Kay-Swidge-Jizzle? Por que? Upside down question mark Por que? Well, I’ll tell you.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER

Yeah, I think this is going to suck. But I will say I really like this artwork. I don’t think the movie is going to be anything like this artwork though. I don’t mind them changing his suit for a more “realistic” one. I’m not sure why more “realistic” is always code word for “leather” – leath-uh, Leh-THUH! Get me some leather! I have a question for you KSWI Jordan, when you are about to engage in some extremely physical exercise what is your first thought? I want to do it in all leather! Am I wrong or are there no such things as “leather running shorts” or “leather running pants”. Do people go running and jumping in leather jackets and I’m just not aware of this? Do you know what really helps my flexibility in delivering spinning heel kicks!?! My skin tight $800 leather pants! I have been beaten into submission that film studios believe “leather” is way more less gay than “spandex”. Fine. Whatever.

I would have liked Captain America to have been portrayed older, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. The studios are making Spider Man a high schooler again. If that fails: kindergarten! I do like Chris Evans. I’m not saying he was a good or bad choice for Captain America, but generally I like the guy. I have seen people say it will be hard to watch him as Captain American and not think of him as The Human Torch. I have a hard time bleaching The Fantastic Four movies from my brain to begin with. THEY TORMENT MY MIND! WHY WOULD THE FANTASTIC FOUR DRIVE A SPACE SHIP MADE BY DODGE WITH A HEMI IN IT!?! AHHHHHH IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE! DOES DODGE KNOW ABOUT THE FANTASTIC FOUR!?! OR DID MR. FANTASTIC PUT DODGE RAM LOGOS ON THEIR SPACESHIP BECAUSE HE IS CRAZY!?! HOW COULD A HEMI POSSIBLY BE AN ACCEPTABLE PIECE OF MACHINERY FOR THE ENGINE OF A SPACESHIP!!!!!!!????????!!!!!!!!!

Chris Evans as Cap is ok. He’s blonde, muscular, white – a perfect fit as an American Super Soldier or German Super Nazi or whatever. But everything else about this movie is terrible. The director is Joe Johnston. Ugh. Some may say, “Joe Johnston helped make the good Star Wars trilogy, he also made Hildalgo, Honey I Shrunk the Kids and The Rocketeer.” And then I would say back, “What are you his fucking fan club!?! The Joe Johnston fan club!?! Who the hell actually knows who Joe Johnston is off the top of their head!?!” Joe made some good flicks (mostly kids movies) back in the day, but recent Joe made The Wolfman which SUCKED. So, either Joe Johnston is going to make Captain America: The First Avenger a kids movie or he’ll make it a shitty regular movie.

Why? Joe Johnston like many directors say they are big fans of the source material, so much so that they are going to change it and put a different spin on it. WHY!?! NO!!!! Put a different spin on it? First, that almost 100% of the time never works. Second, when did we all become so bored watching the same old Captain America movies that now we need to put a new spin on it. I’m pretty sure the majority of the world has never seen a good Captain America movie ever, so how could I be bored and need a new spin on that same old Captain America. I never understand that. How about we make a bunch of good Captain America movies? Then when we get tired of seeing good Captain America movies, we can hire Joe Johnston to fuck it up and we’ll have that alternative.

Here is a quote from Joe Johnston about his “spin” on Captain America:

“He’s a guy that wants to serve his country but he’s not a flag-waver. We’re reinterpretating sort of what the comic book version of Steve Rogers was.”
“…it’s also the idea that this is not about America so much as it is about the spirit of doing the right thing. It’s an international cast and an international story.”

Doesn’t that make you want to throw up? It makes me want to throw up. I want to throw up all over Joe Johnston. Let me highlight something for you:

The movie about CAPTAIN AMERICA will not be about AMERICA. OH MY GOD! MY BRAIN BURNS! I fucking hate Joe Johnston. What in the fuck is he talking about!?! Captain America is not a flag-waver. NOT A FLAG-WAVER! The motherfucker’s colors are the colors of the AMERICAN FLAG! For fuck’s sake he is pretty much an American Flag with muscles beating the piss out of people. And he’s not about “America”? Why in the FUCKITY FUCK MOTHERFUCK would a person who is not a “flag-waver” and not so much “about America” go and call himself “CAPTAIN AMERICA”!?! WHY JOE!?! WHY!?!

Why on Earth is Joe Johnston being allowed to make Captain America when these are his thoughts? This is the only the type of bullshit people who are not me get away with. Could you possibly imagine being at work and asked to help come up with ideas for a project and your ideas are the complete anti-thesis to that project? Here is an analogy of my thoughts on Joe Johnston’s thoughts on Captain America: The First Avenger:

Hello there Sir, I’d like to introduce you to our new line of chocolate chip cookies.

Oh ok, I like chocolate chip cookies.

I thought so, you’ll love these new chocolate chip cookies. See these chocolate chip cookies are specifically designed with you in mind and I think you’ll love the new spin we’ve put on these chocolate chip cookies.

Well, what is it?

There are no chocolate chips in the chocolate chip cookies. Isn’t that amazing!?! Don’t you love it!?!

There are no chocolate chips in the cookies?

Nope. Not a one. There are absolutely no chocolate chips in these new chocolate chip cookies!

Then they are just cookies. There is no such thing as a chocolate chip cookie with no chocolate chips. It’s just a cookie.

Nope, wrong again. See, this is our new spin on chocolate chip cookies! It is exactly like your old favorite chocolate chip cookies, but this new “spin” is that there are no chocolate chips in them. They’ll be your new favorite chocolate chip cookies in no time.

I’m pretty sure they won’t. I’m pretty sure you should stop calling them chocolate chip cookies because there are no chocolate chips in them. That is what makes them a chocolate chip cookie: THE CHOCOLATE CHIPS! It’s just a cookie now. A cookie that has nothing to do with chocolate chip cookies besides the fact they are just cookies. They are not chocolate chip cookies.

Hmmm… you know we thought you might say that. So, we went to the next logical step and spray painted by hand little chocolate chip specs on each of our chocolate chip cookies.

But there are still no chocolate chips in the cookies?

Nope. Not a one.

And now there is just paint on it to make it look like it has chocolate chips in it?

Yep.

Why are you still calling these cookies “chocolate chip cookies” again?

Well, we know you love chocolate chip cookies, so we are just giving you a new type of chocolate chip cookies. A different chocolate chip cookie for our current times. A chocolate chip cookie that best meets-

I want you to die. I want you to die a slow painful death.

- The End -

Thank you, thank you. Your applause in unnecessary, but appreciated.

Also, Joe Johnston is bringing back Captain America’s sidekick: Bucky Barnes. I don’t have much to say about that because I can’t imagine anyone thinks that is a good idea.

Lastly, this Captain America movie will somehow have to align itself alongside the Iron Man movies because there is the Avengers movie that is going to be made soon. This will be terrible. It just will be.

Well, I kind of went on a lot more than I was expecting about this Captain America movie and how signs are pointed towards this not being good. But I should touch on the Thor and Avengers movies.

THOR

Again, I really like this picture and I fully expect the movie to not look like this. Why? Because we have seen pictures from the movie and they don’t look that great. Most people have been referring to the movie stills as having a “Power Ranger” look to them. That is not really a compliment.

I just have a feeling that this ^^^ will not make for a good movie. Whatever that is, it is not what I wanted to see. Is this how one sees Odin’s throne room? Who would actually have a room that looks like that? Maybe Goldmember from Austin Powers. But Odin? Do people really think that a man who keeps ravens with him at all times is sitting in a room like this? This is where he and his ravens roost? It’s like every Las Vegas developer’s dream, but Odin? Also, this movie will need to align itself with the Captain America movie and the Iron Man movie because he too is in the Avengers movie.

Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings are in Thor. They are nice to look at. But I still think this movie will suck.

And finally…

AVENGERS

I know everyone loves Joss Whedon. I’m a fan of the man and his work. I liked Buffy as mention in a post from last week. I never watched Firefly, but I saw the movie and it was pretty good. But Avengers is destined to fail. Why? I cannot imagine that Joss or anyone can take this many superheroes and put it together in a cohesive two hour or so movie. When they pulled the Avengers cast on stage for the panel at Comic Con they pulled up Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man), Clark Gregg (Agent Coulson), Scarlet Johansson (Black Widow), Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Chris Evans (Captain America), Samuel L. Jackson (Nick Fury), Jeremy Renner (Hawkeye), Mark Ruffalo (the Hulk)… right? And I’m guessing they’re going to fight a bad guy … so if I add that all up that equals = CLUSTERFUCK!

Like I said, I like Joss Whedon and all, but this is going to be ridiculous. Having four main characters would have been a lot, but now they are adding the superfluous Iron Man movie characters like Sam, Scarlet and Clark. They may have gotten away in Iron Man and Iron Man 2 with Sam Jackson having a smaller role, but his role blew up exponentially between those two movies and expect the same with this Avengers. There is no way that Sam Jackson will be a background character in this one. Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Nick Fury…

And Joss will be introducing two new characters! Yeah, this will all work! Why not? Throw Hawkeye in there. I’m sure everyone remembers Hawkeye. I’m sure the people on the streets of the world couldn’t have seen an Avengers movie without good ole’ Hawkeye. And Mark Ruffalo as the Incredible Hulk. Why the eff not, right? Sure Hollywood hasn’t been able to make a decent Incredible Hulk movie, but I’m pretty sure people are not so forgetful that Ed Norton was just the Incredible Hulk. Apparently, he was willing to reprise his role. I don’t know if it was a huge pay cut from Ed to Mark that had them nab Mark, but that would be the only thing that would make sense to me.

Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Nick Fury, Hawkeye, The Incredible Hulk and… whoever else. They are rumoring that everyone else like Don Cheadle as War Machine may be in the movie too. Why not!?! Why not, Marvel? Why not?

Isn’t Ghost Rider a Marvel Comic? They’re making a second Ghost Rider movie. Do you remember how insanely terrible the first one was? Well, they’re making a SECOND! YES! And who is in this sequel? Remember how bad Nic Cage was as the Ghost Rider? He’s back. Do you know what would be great? If he had a sidekick. Who should play that sidekick? Taylor Lautner. Yes! So, that movie is going to suck.

What else, Marvel? Oh right! Their big millions upon millions of dollars franchise: SPIDER MAN! Did you ever think to yourself, “I wish there was more high school drama in the super hero movie Spider Man instead of super hero stuff”? I’m guessing you haven’t because NO ONE HAS… except for the people who are making the newest TRILOGY of Spider Man movies. I’m guessing it will be a trilogy. I can’t remember if I read that, but I do know that Sony was planning on making a Spider Man 4, 5, and 6 before, so they’re probably still in that mindset. What could possibly go wrong taking one of the most recognizable film heroes of the past decade and starting over with that franchise now with it being more like Gossip Girl?

And who is going to play this Spider Man filled with hormones and angst and cliques and everything else a high schooler is filled with? Well, a 29 year old nobody actor. Great! I can’t wait, Marvel!