November 15, 2010
I watch football.
I think we all know that. I think we all know how much I enjoy the Professional Tackle Football Association of America for the Greatest Most Intelligent Athletes Who Will Be Our Knights of Salvation When a Ground War Against the Armies of the Apocalypse Invade, Go Football (PTFAAGMIAWWBOKSWGWAAAIGF). Sometimes being a fan of football allows me to enjoy life at a whole new level outside of just football. And without further pretense…
I was watching the New York Giants get pretty embarrassed by the Dallas Cowboys Sunday afternoon and THAT(!!!!) appeared on my television screen.
A GIANT METAL and, surprisingly, EVIL and, surprisingly, PATRIOTIC – VAGINA!
At first, I thought that I was being pranked and/or I was hallucinating. I was watching said game with my parents when this frighteningly pornographic image appeared before us. They showed this structure from multiple angles, each one emphasizing how vagina like it is. My parents did not think anything of it. They’re older, so maybe they’re blind or maybe their imagination was robbed of them when they began regularly watching TV shows like The Closer and NCIS. I was waiting for someone to mention that it looked like a vagina and/or mention what war memorial this was.
It was clear from the background shots that it was in New Jersey. But where? Somewhere near enough that the vagina overlooks New York City. The announcers never mentioned what it was or why they were showing it minus that it was a war memorial. I had to know what this was. I opened up my laptop and asked my parents for suggestions to where this memorial could be. I searched war memorials at “liberty state park”, “meadowlands” and neither yielded results… so… I googled -
“war memorial that looks like a vagina”
That’s a BINGO!
A great article about the worst memorials dedicated to 9/11. Yeah, that’s right! That vagina is in Bayonne, New Jersey and is somehow supposed to commemorate the terrorist attacks on September 11th. You can’t make this shit up people. You simply can’t!
On a less ridiculous note…
I ate breakfast.
It was my standard spread of eggs, bacon and bagel. I thought I would spice it up by kidnapping two dogs, gain their confidence by lulling them into a false sense of security with a comfortable couch for them to lie on and then TAKE THEIR PICTURE! Oh boy, did my plan work to perfection.
But there is one mystery that is beyond the realm of one picture…
There was a third dog all along! This dog was a key component to rounding up the other two dogs and tricking them into the photoshoot. Like the Jews tricked by the Nazis to act as cops to patrol the Jewish ghettos… actually she did nothing. She’s a lazy dog sleeping on a chair. So are the other two. They’re too lazy to get up when pictures are being taken of them. These green couches are like their kryptonite.
Hmmm… what else?
I’ve provided you with a vagina war memorial and dog pictures. I’m currently watching The Running Man and thinking Maria Conchita Alonso looks amazing in this movie. So does Arnold, of course, but Maria is quite a saucy communist Cuban number in this movie.
Speaking of movies,
NEVER SEE “SKYLINE”!!!!!!!!!!
I have seen some dumb movies in my time here on Earth. A lot of dumb movies. I’m sure at some point when I’m standing before God receiving my final judgment, God is going to bring that up. I gave you life and you decided to waste a good chunk of it watching movies like the sequels to The Crow, the Fantastic Four movies, anything with LL Cool J in it minus Any Given Sunday, those movies about the high school vampires and so on and so on and Sandra Bullock and so on.
God will forgive me for most of those movies. God will not forgive me for seeing Skyline. I will not forgive myself for seeing Skyline. To put it simply, I have never seen a dumber movie than Skyline. The movie is absolutely stupid from the moment you begin watching until the movie abruptly ends with an alien seemingly going to rip the recently inseminated embryo out of the female main character when that alien is stopped and killed by another alien that now has the brain of the male main character, who is her husband and baby daddy, in its head. Yes, none of what I wrote makes sense. And at the same time, it is 100% accurate to the events that take place right before the credits abruptly interfere with WHATEVER THE FUCK that was.
Skyline is infuriatingly dumb.
All the characters are idiots, all the decisions they make are idiotic and the entire “logic” of the movie is built on an uncompromising amount of idiocy. And it is not fun either. Some dumb movies are entertaining because of their stupidity. This movie is angering. It is just so dumb. Too dumb.
Also, what really pisses me off more than anything is that I went to see it, but… what I meant was “what really pisses me off more than anything is” it is a ripoff of Cloverfield. And I HATED Cloverfield. And I somehow saw both of these movies in the theaters.
I would guarantee all the monies that I have earned up until this point in my life plus all the monies I hopefully will earn in the future (which will be a lot obviously because I’m winning the lottery in a couple years) that Skyline was the product of a staff meeting at some movie studio where one executive said they wanted a movie like Cloverfield. They wanted their own vague monster movie that follows a pack of relatively young people and they all die and the whole monster invasion is from their perspective. That movie sucked and so did this one. Not only that, but Skyline is so bad it actually makes Cloverfield seem good.
Thinking back on Cloverfield (which makes my synapses burn with hate) reveals that what I previously thought was stupid was nowhere near as stupid as something could get. I thought stupid was here:
Cloverfield stupidity level <———————————->
Skyline stupidity level <————————->
Also, make note that each level of “…” is the Grand Canyon turned on its ass. I don’t know what that means because that is how stupid I’ve become from seeing Skyline.
Let me ruin, Skyline for you so that you will never see it.
They all die except for the chick main character. She is abducted by the aliens. She is also like two weeks pregnant, but her baby already has a brain and a heartbeat inside her tummy. As you know, that is not possible, which shows how STUPID this movie is. Eric Balfour’s body is dead, but his brain that was for some reason “encoded” with the alien’s “dna” is now in the body of alien and controlling it. I’m guessing that sounds really fucking stupid to you the reader, but guess what? They don’t explain how any of it is possible in the movie so it is actually stupider than you know. Everyone else dies. All of them. Brittany Daniel is dead. Donald Faison is dead. The heavy-set Hispanic detective from Dexter is dead. Also, our military appears to be losing the battle against the aliens. Apparently, the aliens run on human brains. That begs the question how they got here in the first place because all the aliens need our brains to run their alien bodies like Duracell batteries. The aliens can be hit by a nuclear bomb (which does happen in the movie), but everything can be fixed as long as they have enough human brains.
How does this technology work that human brains are just plugged in and that fixes everything like even put out fires on their alien bodies? Ummm… that is never explained. The aliens love brains though. They actually take a tentacle and stick it on our head and then rip our brain plus our spinal column out in one swift motion. There is no blood or anything as well and it all comes out in one nice solid piece for them to just stick in themselves and work. Also, our brains/spinal column glow blue when they are ripped out. Well, that is except for Eric Balfour’s which glows red because he has super powers.
Also, the aliens are afraid of water, but they might not be. It is hypothesized in the movie that the aliens do not like water, but none of that is realized or explained. This is not too disconcerting because they don’t explain anything. Nothing. Like that Hispanic detective from Dexter has a wedding ring on and never mentions that he is married or that he wants to maybe check out how his wife is doing or that maybe she might be worried about him.
Also, Also, Also, I’m pretty sure the aliens have a time control device because everything in the movie seems to only take place over the course of an hour, but in the movie it takes place over the course of 3 days. You’ll watch the aliens invade Los Angeles at 4:30 am, which you know it is 4:30 am because they tell you that on the screen for no reason. The characters wake up as the aliens are first taking people. They get into an argument about what they should do. Eric Balfour and Donald Faison go to the roof and it is sunny out. I’m not entirely exact on how long it took Donald Faison and Eric Balfour to take the stares to the roof of the apartment, but if it is any minute shy of 3 hours then these filmmakers have no fucking clue when the sun rises and how slowly it happens.
So don’t see the movie. And warn others to not see it as well.
Lastly, I saw these pictures on the internet. I’m sure you all have seen them. Actually, I know most of you have because you won’t stop tweeting or facebooking about them. And, I know that you are “squeeing” over the Rob ones, but come on. Bikini body Kristen Stewart? Thank you to whoever hid in the bushes like a pervert to get these pictures.
The gopher looking guy in the foreground was at one time a normal looking fellow, but the sight of the near naked WANT only feet in front of him contorted his face to look rodent like and also snapped his neck and then re-animated him back to life to continue working on the Twilight movie as a rat faced walking undead production assistant.
Kristen Stewart in a bikini — I want it.
November 10, 2010
I used to live with a guy I went to college with nicknamed Dawgz.
Now, I live with three furry animals who walk around on all fours that are Dogs.
She wants IT.
Is that an Indian chief on her t-shirt? Kids these days.
On a Wednesday like today, I may have woken up to Dawgz drinking coffee, listening to Bruce Springsteen on vinyl and reading the New York Times.
On a Wednesday exactly like today, I did wake up to a horrendous stench of poop, followed by poop being in the middle of the living room, and, ultimately, followed by me having to clean up that poop.
Dawgz would entertain me with engaging and energetic conversation concerning sports, politics, pop-culture events, and/or drunken tales of mischief.
Dogs entertain me by me scratching their faces and petting their coats of fur.
The Dogs will do something that normally a human would do and that will make me laugh.
The Dawgz would do something that normally a dog would do and that will make me laugh.
1. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
FUCKING BUY IT! I did. I love it. In some parts of the world, I may be technically married to this bluray disc. I’ve been doing weird things with it. Weird things, but all in the name of love. FUCKING BUY IT!
There are a ton of extras as well on the bluray. I watched a bunch of them last night and I’m really glad they went with the current ending and not the other one they shot. I believe the other ending they shot is more like the comic books’ actual ending, but fuck it. The new ending is better in my opinion.
2. Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare
I’m sure some of you have to be sick and tired of the nearly nonstop ad campaign for this game that was on cable for the past 3 weeks, but it was worth it. I finally got around to downloading the Undead Nightmare new add-on expansion pack for the western themed videogame Red Dead Redemption. It is amazing. I played for an hour last night and I loved it. I really enjoyed Red Dead Redemption the regular game, but this zombie world they have created on top of the game is already frighteningly amazing. I really wish the whole original game was like this. I can’t wait to see how the rest of it plays out. If you’re a fan of The Walking Dead TV show or zombie movies in general then this game is now a must have for you. A zombie uprising in the Wild West? Love it.
Last night’s show was excellent. I thought Monday’s night show was good and entertaining, but I really wasn’t that into it minus the Jack White stuff at the end. Meanwhile, last night’s episode had me genuinely laughing out loud. The opening bit about meeting with the TBS standards and practices guy was hysterical. The bit they did with Tom Hanks and the whales was also very funny. Jack McBrayer was hysterical. And Soundgarden killed it. Just when I think I’m out, Conan is pulling me back in.
September 9, 2010
Today is a great day. Outside of the anniversary of my, Kay-Swidge-Izzle-My-jizzle, birth (June 15th, memorize it), today is the most important day of the 2010 year. Today marks the return of professional tackle football. FOOTBALL! I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT! It is only a few scant hours away when I and the rest of the world and the universe and those pesky aliens (illegal immigrants as well as green men who live on Saturn) can finally watch professional FOOTBALL again. I feel a surge of energy rushing through my veins right now just thinking about.
For the past four weeks, I’ve been watching the NFL preseason. Watching the NFL preseason is akin to an unenthusiastic dry handjob. This past week, college football started up. But if you like professional football then adding college football to the mix is merely some spittle for lube and breathy dirty talk. Yeah, it may do the trick every so often, but it ain’t nothing to the NFL season, which is full on XXX rated tantric animal-style damn near should be illegal it is so good hardcore banging the walls flying kama sutra positions up on your toes need a Gatorade and a power bar cause all the nutrients of your body is pouring out of your sexhole fucking! Add commas and punctuation where it is needed up there.
My point is, in all seriousness, without an ounce of hyperbole:
The National Football League and the brand of professional tackle football played in it is the greatest gift that the God has given humanity.
I asked Dawgz to give me his thoughts on this most holy of opening days, more holy than, but very similar to that one unseasonably cool summer night when Britney Spears opened herself to the throws of condomless sex without marriage. Both of these experiences (the start of an NFL season and Britney Spears’ love life) have left an uncountable path of human carnage littered with blood and shattered dreams as well euphoric ecstasy for the lucky few. This is what Dawgz had to say:
As the heat and humidity of the summer breaks and the days become shorter, one of America’s greatest rituals is set to begin. The National Football League’s 2010 season is upon us.
Throughout America citizens in nearly every major city have been spellbound in anticipation for the prospects that lay in store for their tackle football organization. There has been a lot of trash talk and bold predictions since February, but now, finally, the games are here and the battles are set. There is no more time for talk, because only the actions on the field matter. It is quite simply a great time to be alive in these “States United.”
So in celebration of this annual custom; a custom that entails genetic freak-men from across this continent getting together to run into each other at ridiculously high speed; Jordan has asked me to quickly jot down some of my thoughts for 2010.
1. Peyton Manning is going to have a “Fuck You Season”
What is a fuck you season you may be asking? Well it is when a player has something more to prove than just winning games, because for a player in the midst of a fuck you season every game is a chance to make a statement. After throwing the most costly INT in the history of football, a pick that directly cost his team the Super Bowl, you can bet that Peyton Manning is going to want to show that world something a little extra every time he is out on the field. You know he blames himself and has been working his ass off to make sure that he is never responsible for a loss again. Manning is going to be unrelenting in 2010. He might break Dan Marino’s 1984 record for pass yards in a season. The Colts might go 16-0. He could throw 50+ touchdowns. Everything is on the table for Manning in 2010, because his mistake last February is going to motivate him to become an even better football player than he ever has been, which considering he has already won 4 MVP’s, is a very scary proposition for everyone else. So when you see Peyton this year and he is destroying defenses, just know that in his head he is continuously reciting, “fuck you.”
2. The Miami Dolphins are going to win the AFC East.
For the sake of disclosure I must say that I am a huge Dolphins fan, who I often refer to as the “Ball-phins,” so obviously this prediction is a little biased. But objectively, the Ball-phins are going to be a tough out this year. They traded for Brandon Marshall who gives them their first legitimate receiving threat since 1994. They also signed Karlos Dansby who is going to be a defensive anchor at inside linebacker. Their QB is maturing everyday and they still have Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams. Any way you look at it, the Ball-phins’ roster has the most talent on it in over 15 years. Couple this with the fact that they are flying under the radar because the New York Jets are sucking up all the oxygen in their division, and you have a recipe for a team that could dominate the league seemingly out of nowhere. Betting against the Ball-phins this year is going to be perilous. You have all been warned.
3. The Detroit Lions are going to be a good football team.
What? The Lions, don’t they always suck? Yes they do always suck, no season more so than 2008 when they lost all 16 games they played. But I like this young Lions team. First of all, in the NFL no team is bad forever. Secondly, they play defense, they have a young strong-armed QB who is tough as nails, and they are loaded with talent in the skilled positions. I am not saying that the Lions are going to make the playoffs, but they are going to win some games that they shouldn’t. (Upset alert: The Eagles are going to loss in Detroit week 2). Rookie defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh is a beast of a man that is going to fit in nicely with Jim Schwartz’s defensive scheme. Running Back Jahvid Best is a playmaker who is going to score touchdowns. Quarterback Matthew Stafford is going to take big strides this year as a player and a leader. This all adds up to a Lions team that is on the rise and they are going to be a real interesting to follow in 2010 and beyond.
Well thank you for that Dawgz. I have to agree with everything he said not because we currently live together, but because I believe him to be right… and we live together. Peyton Manning is a demi-God in football and has been for the past decade. There is no real reason for him to stop now. He has a couple detractors this year losing his offensive coach and one of his lead lineman in Jeff Saturday, but that will only make Peyton try harder than before like Dawgz said. The Ball-phins were one of the most active teams in the off-season as far as big trades. This is the year that they need to make a play for the title and prove that they are an elite football team. The Lions have added a lot of young talent and I think showed that they are an eager and aggressive football team. On draft day, I was very excited to see the Lions take Suh. Get used to seeing and hearing people stumble over the nearly unpronounceable Ndamukong Suh. The man is big and mean.
Lastly, Dawgz and I will go through all of the 32 glorious football teams and give a word association like summary for this season. Dawgz will be in red. I will be in blue. Reason being, Dawgz has been to an Alan Jackson concert, where Brooks & Dunn also played, so basically he understands the plight of the red-staters. Just like eating Chinese food makes you understand the 1.3 billion nation of China. He has heard your music and seen it in person, he infiltrated your society without you even knowing it. And I will be in blue because my eyes are a shade of blue that speaks innocence to the mind, loose morals to the heart, and wetness to the panties.
Buffalo Bills – A good defense, but the front office and fan base are really just waiting to draft a real QB in the 2011. Sports Illustrated did a survey of which team’s fans party the longest in pre-gaming and the Bills’ fans won – no shocker because they need as much booze as they can get to stand the sight of their own team.
Miami Dolphins – Most talent on the roster since Don Shula was the coach. Sleeper Super Bowl potential. No team is ready to play in the humidity and on the dirt field in Miami, including Miami. Nevertheless, a solid run game plus an ever improving passing game means they’re dangerous.
New England Patriots – No running backs, injured players, disgruntled Randy Mosses, and Tom Brady’s terrible hair all equal a team on decline. Good things happen to beautiful people especially beautiful people with an ass-ton of talent, so I expect Brady and that Pats to be a threat as always, but probably not Super Bowl ready.
New York Jets – A lot of noise about Super Bowls, a lot of big names on the roster, a lot of unrealistic expectations. All this will equal a perfect storm of disappointment in 2010. The flight of Icarus is the story of the Jets this year.
Houston Texans – If this isn’t the year they make the playoffs they will be in the market for a new head coach. The Texans have gotten steadily better and are always just shy of proving that they are more than a second tier team, but I think they are still a second tier team.
Indianapolis Colts – Everyone in the league should be very afraid, very afraid, of Mr. Manning. “The Sheriff” Peyton Manning is still the unequivocal leader of this franchise and he’ll lead them to a lot of victories. Also, “Mr. Glass” Bob Sanders will play half the season this year before he disappears onto the IR.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Suck. Agreed.
Tennessee Titans – Big year for Vince Young because the last time he was the starting QB to begin a season he had a mental breakdown. Chris Johnson might become the first man to ever have back-to-back 2,000 yard rushing seasons, but I still don’t love their defense. The Titans need to show last year wasn’t a fluke. Chris “4.2″ Johnson needs to continue as a premiere back and Vince “The Prince” Young needs to hold the starting position of QB and lead these team to a consistent season.
Denver Broncos – No running backs will hurt the offense, but they will play sound football on both sides of the ball. Tim Tebow will rush for 5 or more touchdowns, but they will struggle to be .500. Tons of injuries and lost a big receiver in Brandon Marshall – not sure what to expect from them… outside of every touchdown they score a high pitch squeal and Hitler salute from their prepubescent coach Josh McDaniels.
Kansas City Chiefs – New offensive and defensive coordinators will help them be more consistent, but not enough talent to really make noise. The Chiefs are just trying to survive the season to prove they can do it.
Oakland Raiders – They got a lot better after they dropped The King (JaMarcus Russell), but they still have no WR’s. The defense is good, but the playoffs are probably not going to happen. They were surprisingly dangerous last year regardless of their shoddy personnel and should be better this year. Although, I won’t root for this because they got rid of The King.
San Diego Chargers – They have The Creep (Phillip Rivers) and as long as he is playing they will win this division. The Chargers are trying to score a thousand touchdowns because there is the possibility you will score 999 on them. Exciting football nonetheless.
Baltimore Ravens – For the first time in their history, their offense might be better than their defense, which is terrible news for the rest of the league. They like to hurt people, they have an excellent young running back in “RuttRo” Ray Rice and they have a brand new wide receiving core. We all should expect big things from The Wire’s football team.
Cincinnati Bengals – I will give them credit for doing things in an attempt to win, but I don’t think they are going to be able to sneak up on teams the way they did last year. Easily, the most entertaining pair of WR’s in Ochocinco and TO, but this season will be a struggle much like their last few. They are a scrappy bunch who can steal wins.
Cleveland Browns – Jake Delhomme is not the answer. Colt McCoy will see the field before the season ends. Nothing to see here. Rebuilding year. But I hope Jerome “JEROME!” Harrison has a big year for them.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Large Benjamin is gone for the first month but they will rally behind Dixon and still be a dangerous team around playoff time. BLACK AND GOLD! I am a Steelers fan. I think the defense is still looking to hurt people and the “Steamin’ Willie Beamin” Dennis Dixon is looking to score some TDs with Ben on the sidelines. I’m hopeful.
Dallas Cowboys – A lot of talent, but they still have a terrible coach. They will make the playoffs, but I don’t see a Super Bowl run. They will win a bunch of football games this year as usual and by mid-season people will be talking a championship, but they are prone to making mistakes and losing and by that I mean specifically Tony Romo. He’s just so darn excitable.
New York Giants – The Jets are the hot team dominating the New York media, which lets the G-Men be a team that is somehow underrated. A lot of big names that played bad last year and need to play big this year will equal a division championship. The Giants should be playing with a chip on their shoulder about last season. They need a leader in that locker room on defense and for the sake if they find it they should be a scary team.
Philadelphia Eagles – Get used to hearing Michael Vick – Eagles starting quarterback, because I don’t believe in Kevin Kolb. Agreed. Barely acknowledge his existence or hate him – Mike Vick is Philly’s QB this year.
Washington Redskins – A team in turmoil, but Donovan is going to thrive in a new atmosphere. They can’t be much worse than last year. I think this is a team trying to go 8-8 together this year to make a push next year.
Atlanta Falcons - A really talented team that nobody is talking about. Dangerous, very dangerous. I think Archie Manning is the illegitimate father of QB Mattie “Ice” Ryan – dirty birds are a good team.
Carolina Panthers – Stud running backs and a young and athletic defense, but they might be a year away from really competing. The Panthers have been an enigma since their inception – they will continue to be this year. Losing a game or two they should win and winning games they should lose. But no title run.
New Orleans Saints – I was the first person on the bandwagon last year. I am the first one off it in 2010. They will not make the playoffs, despite Drew Brees having another monster season.I’m not as down on the Saints as Dawgz. I think they’ll do fine. Not the run they went on last year, but they will be an offensive juggernaut again and will make the playoffs.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Young, really young. Like crazy young. This year is going to be a learning experience. They need to put calcium in the water in Tampa Bay because this team is brittle. They’ll play with heart, but not many wins this season and probably a new coach next season.
Arizona Cardinals – All world wide out Larry Fitzgerald is going to get dejected watching Derek Anderson throw the ball to the other team more than to him. Biggest drop in talent. Their coach is excellent, but he’s not out on the field playing for them. They’ll be lucky to go .500.
San Francisco 49ers – This is a team that is ready to make a jump. They should win this terrible division. The 49ers need to get at least 10 wins this season. They need it bad to prove these past few years have been moving towards the right direction and I think they can get 6 wins right here winning each of these conference games.
Seattle Seahawks – New coach, new attitude, old QB. They will be better but not by much. Just trying to survive this year to prove they can.
St. Louis Rams – Rebuilding in St. Louis. They are just hoping that their rookie QB Sam Bradford doesn’t get killed this year. Agreed. This whole division is in a rebuilding phase.
Chicago Bears – Big year for The Villain (Jay Cutler). He needs to take care of the ball and make better decisions if this team is going to make a playoff run. Won’t be too hard for them to show improvement from last year, but I don’t think they are ready for the playoffs.
Detroit Lions – Don’t sleep on this team. It will be a miracle if they go 8-8, but there is an outside shot they could. They are making positive steps forward and hopefully that will continue for them.
Green Bay Packers – Everybody thinks they are going to win the Super Bowl. I think they may win their division and that is about it. High scoring offense with the potential of having an excellent defense. They seem to be their own worst enemies with injuries and blowing plays. I think they will be a tough team to beat and be in the playoffs.
Minnesota Vikings – If they can keep the old man in one piece and the defense keeps up the pressure they should be right were they were last year, fighting for the Super Bowl. As much as people talk about Brett “Silver Fox” Favre (and they should), this season is a big one for Adrian Peterson. He needs to stop fumbling the ball and helping win big games that matter. It is great that he can run over shit teams like they are shit teams, but he needs to prove it on a cold night in December against a top tier team. Good luck to him.
And I’m spent I’m sure you’re all thanking us for all of this. Oh thank you Jordan and Dawgz for writing 3000 words about football on a Kristen Stewart themed website. Thank you from the bottom of our female probably couldn’t give a shit hearts. Thank you.
And you’re welcome.
September 3, 2010
It is Friday lunch time starting the weekend we Americans use to mark the end of swimming in public places and/or the season of Summer aka Labor Day Weekend. There are some international readers of this particular website, so I will invite you with great humility to take part in Labor Day by taking off work on Monday and spending the next three days stuffing yourself with grillable meats and salads that are filled with mayonnaise, macaroni and potato. To wash that delightful mixture down, choose beer and lots of it. Get as drunk as you can at a family style backyard barbecue. Play with a dog. Play with a few dogs. Listen to Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” on continuous repeat. Take a drive in a convertible car with the top down. If no convertible car is available then choose a big engine having muscle car and roll those windows down. If no muscle car is available and only your Toyota Tercel or Honda CR-V are available then let the breeze wash over your arm sticking out the window and gun your 4 cylinder engine like a jackass and pretend you have a cool car. Eat cake. That’s right, don’t be shy on desserts this weekend. You’re celebrating America-style and part of that style is bakery icing goodness circulating in your veins. Regardless of your country’s climate or geological make-up, dress like you are headed to the beach. Sunglasses, sun tan lotion, beach blankets, green or yellow streak of extra powerful sunblock running down the length of your nose and on your cheeks like war paint, flip flops, bathing suit, and a cooler filled with ice and domestic beer cans ready to be drunk in public despite the laws that were put in place against that very practice. Get stuck in traffic. Go find the nearest highway and get stuck in traffic trying to go anywhere for several hours. Wake up early on Saturday and maneuver your way into gridlocked bumper-to-bumper traffic for 4 hours and then complain about it for the entire weekend when there is a lull in any conversation because they too were stuck in traffic to get wherever you are. Get sunburn. Do not heed any one or any numerous warnings that one must re-apply sun tan lotion after a few hours of being outside. Trust your gut, your gut full of cheap beer and hot dogs, that you are not a statistic and your skin simply absorbed more lotion than anyone else and you will be fine. Plus you are currently in the middle of an intense battle of wills in a beach semi-tackle football game with other out-of-shape weekday office drones. You are simply moving too fast for the sun’s rays to catch you. It is science. Once you do achieve said sunburn, wear it proudly. Sunburn on your chest, pop a few buttons on that Hawaiian shirt and show the people that sandy mess of chest hair set elegantly on the backdrop of your pained, surface of Mars red, burnt skin. Pass over your well worn traffic story for a new and jubilant tale of trying to persevere against the Almighty by playing through a beach football game without stopping for more lotion, but God had different plans for you. Drive a boat. Take one out for a spin regardless of any boating license or lack of experience handling boats. The boat is doing all the hard parts: staying afloat and propelling the vessel. All you need to do is steer and the waters are open, so big wide turns are fully welcome. If you do not have a boat then make friends with someone who does or steal someone’s boat – we’re celebrating America, remember? Talk boastfully about all subjects whether you know anything about them or not. Seen a baseball game before? You are more than ready to comment about the final stretch of the everlasting baseball season. Did you watch the Superbowl last year, or at least attempt to before passing out drunk at halftime? You are more than qualified to give your future seeing vision of how this upcoming NFL season will play out. Gawk at teenagers. There is no television outside and teenagers are almost as entertaining as TV is anyway. Sit and stare at them. Stare at them in silence and follow the never fail three phase emotional journey of reality. Phase 1: stare at the teenagers and feel happy. Happy because you remember how exciting life was as a teenager. A young body full of life interacting with other lively bodies that have yet to feel the dark cold grip of aging beset with wrinkles. Take a deep breath and feel warm just knowing that with youth comes heat because they still have the fire of life flickering away like a ten story flame. Phase 2: Sadness. Feel sad knowing that this remembering of any youthful passion is just that, remembering what has been lost long ago. Feel the bitter nostalgia that you were once one of them and cannot be them ever again. Dig deep into this well and realize you are getting older at all times and every second that passes is the youngest you will ever be and it will not get any better. On the verge of tears in public take a deep breath before Phase 3: Disdain. The youth of today is stupid. That’s right. Every generation preceding your own is a butt load full of dummies and you are smarter than all of them. Not necessarily “book smart”, but “street smart”, which matter infinitely more. You are a genius when it comes to knowledge via bitter experience. Those teenagers over there are airheads without a responsible or worthwhile thought in their stupid heads. They don’t recognize the leader and more powerful entity that is you. They walk around completely oblivious to you and your ilk, they’re completely wrapped in their own word of fleeting thoughts of romance and listening to pop music with other empty headed youths. Don’t they see the adult worthy of praise right before their eyes? I have a mortgage. I pay taxes. I can buy alcohol legally in every country on this planet that serves it. I take multi-vitamins. These idiot kids cannot see that in ancient societies they would bow to me. Now alter your stare to a glare. A glare like Kristen Stewart gives reporters who ask questions about her relationship with Rob. A glare that reads “if it were legal for me to make your head explode with my mind then I would do that now”. So let them, the youth, walk by without a second thought as you finish off another cold beer. Remember we are celebrating America and with that you get up, dust yourself off, and go on a search for ice cream and funnel cake. Lather, rinse and repeat from Saturday to Monday. Have a good weekend.
May 10, 2010
Yes, that is right. I am handing over my writerly duty to my four legged furry friends. Lily is the miniature dachshund. Gracie is the golden retriever. And, Noelle is the miniature poodle. With that, I’ll slide the keyboard over to them.
Hmmmm... ok? They were more or less just biting the laptop all at once. Maybe I should take dictation from them. And with out further ado:
Whoof. Whoof. Whoof. Bark! BARK BARK BARK! HOOOOOOOWWWWWLLLLLL!!!!! Whoof! BARK BARK BARK BARK! WHOOF!
They are partly barking at each other and partly what they think is a squirrel outside which is really just some leaves in the wind. Eureka! They need a topic discuss. I'll ask questions. Open to the floor - what do you think of the UFC cutting Paul "Semtex" Daley for his post-fight sucker punch on Josh Koscheck?
................WWWWHHHHHHOOOOOOOFFFFFF!!! BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK Good riddance, he's a scumbag BARK BARK BARK BARK!!!!!! HOOOOOWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL!!!!! Much ado about nothing could've let him stay. Whoof! Whoof! Whoof! WHOOF! WHOOF! WHOOF! I don't remember it I was really drunk. BARK! WHOOF! HOOOOWWWWWLLLLL!
Ok? What do you all think of Kimbo being released from the UFC?
................WWWWHHHHHHOOOOOOOFFFFFF!!! BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK Good riddance, he's a scumbag BARK BARK BARK BARK!!!!!! HOOOOOWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL!!!!! Much ado about nothing could've let him stay. Whoof! Whoof! Whoof! WHOOF! WHOOF! WHOOF! I don't remember it I was really drunk. BARK! WHOOF! HOOOOWWWWWLLLLL!
Hmmmm, maybe I should have taught my dogs how to say more than "Good riddance he's a scumbag", "Much ado about nothing could've let him stay" and "I don't remember it I was really drunk". This has never been an issue until this very moment.
Maybe "words" are not their strong suit. Let's just go to the video tape.
I don’t think the UFC had to get rid of Paul Daley for his after the bell illegal sucker punch on Josh Koscheck. They have every right to get rid of him and I understand their point. At the same time, it isn’t the biggest deal in the world. Athletes in other sports swing on each other pretty regularly and their sports don’t involve punching each other in the face for 15 minutes. I also really don’t care about Daley in the slightest. I think he is a good fighter and always have, but I also do not believe he is an unique talent. The next generation of fighters are coming through the gates every day and each one is bigger, stronger, and faster than the previous. Daley will be replaced as the KO artist of the Welterweight division soon enough.
As for Kimbo. Oh the poetry I could write for Kimbo. I love Kimbo and believe that he should have a contract with the UFC for as long as he likes. Saturday night’s fights were in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. Out of all the fighters, including Canadian fighters including Canadian fighters from Montreal, Kimbo got the biggest ovation from the crowd. Why? Because we all fucking love Kimbo! Ok, so he lost. Big fucking deal. He’s lost before and people still love him. Just allow Kimbo to fight whoever and win or lose the crowd will still cheer their balls off for him.
The UFC should make a “Kimbo Belt” and Kimbo is the champion. Every fight he is in is for the “Kimbo Belt”. Regardless of Kimbo winning or losing, he keeps the belt and the next fight is also for the “Kimbo Belt”. No need for weight classes because the “Kimbo Belt” is whatever weight Kimbo is at. Get the fans involved. Have the “Kimbo Belt” designed by a new set of fans for each fight. Just don’t get rid of that bearded bastard because America loves him, Canada loves him and what more do you need?
I heart Kimbo Slice
Majestic black beard fighter
Please begin a blog
Kimbo haikus? Mother’s Day haikus? Your weekend haikus? Whatever haikus? My dogs haikus?