April 7, 2011
NASA pretty much is space. I’m not sure anyone would be able to disagree on that. Sure, there are other countries in space, but I would guess 99.99999999999999% of what we know about what’s in space is from the good ole’ US of A’s NASA program. It’s really an insane program or group or initiative or whatever it is. I mean they laid claim to the Moon for the United States. That may have been the most peaceful taking of land ever and not only land, but an entire land entity akin to a planet that circles Earth way above in the sky known as space. Can you think of another country that owns land anywhere else in the vast expanse of space? I can’t. USA has the damn Moon. It’s ours! And ever since we landed on the thing we’ve talked about putting hotels up there for tourists to visit. Space hotels!
I think I’m getting ahead of myself. Landing on the Moon and laying claim to it with a flag like a cartoon Christopher Columbus is one of many accomplishments that NASA has… accomplished. I was looking through LIFE.com and looking at a picture gallery with all the many patches they have had for all the many incredible projects they have attempted. Some were more successful than others, but it showed what a rich and diverse set of moments in history NASA has been apart of or have tried to and failed.
NASA has done so much more than send a rocket into space and land on the Moon. They’ve tried to achieve so much more. And after looking at these patches, they also tried to do most of these missions crazy high. That’s right, high. NASA smokes space weed. I’ll get to that later, but it becomes readily apparent as one views the patches. That shiz gets you F’d up. I hope after you finish reading this, you see that NASA is a special group of people who are dreamers, adventurers, and crazy high. Precautionary tale high.
Well, here is the start of it. As you can see plainly, NASA sent the great Eagle to the Moon to secure the space weed with its mighty talons. It is right there on the patch. I mean what else could it be. It was a 100% successful mission. See, NASA has big ass Eagles. I have to write Eagle with a capital E because they’re so badass they fly into space and grab the weed that grows on the Moon. Anyway, the Eagles are very similar to the deux ex machina Eagles in Lord of the Rings. Hey Gandalf, how the fuck are you going to get off that tower before Saruman kills you? Oh don’t worry, there are some big ass Eagles that haven’t been mentioned nor will ever be explained over the course of these 3 films that are going to come swoop in and save me and then they’re going to take a detour over to NASA and get their mission pack and some Gatorade and then fly off to the Moon to get us some of that stick icky that grows in space!
This is not the first or last of a long list of unsuccessful missions involving a magic pirate ship in space. I’m not sure of who it was in particular, but some big wig in NASA loved old wooden ships with big sails and so forth. He was one of those whackos who makes them in bottles. There is more likely of a chance you’ll get struck by lightning than ever meet someone whose hobby it is to make ships in bottles. Anyway, they got it in their head they could send one of these ships out into space and propel it by magic and rockets. Most of these horribly unsuccessful missions had the theory if we could just get it up there then everything should be fine. Well, it never was fine. A lot of money lost and a lot of lives cut short by the alluring idea of a pirate ship in space.
This was the surprisingly successful skywriting campaign of Mercury 6 where they wrote “friendship 7″ over United States. It was more or less a gross misuse of power for one of the NASA pilots to help his daughter win a contest in her Elementary school. Who could make the biggest show of “friendship”? Well, Astronaut Glenn clearly took to this literally and decided that this would be a great decision to write the word “friendship 7″ over the continental United States. The 7 was never explained and remains a mystery to this day, but that little girl won that damn contest. A few of the other parents tried to get her disqualified for not having done the majority of the project herself, but NASA knew better than that. That’s why Glenn’s daughter was specially made an honorary astronaut that day and flew part of the mission with her father. Was it dangerous to have a 10 year old fly a space ship? Sure was, but you should’ve seen the smile on her face.
This was an unsuccessful mission. Very unsuccessful mission. It had little promise to be successful, but there was great enthusiasm for the project even though there was absolutely no scientific research to back up the claim that this could be accomplished. NASA developed a giant vacuum and was going to suck the state of Florida into it wiping it off the map entirely. Clearly, it did not work, but they did try.
This mission was code named “Let’s Get the Fuck Out of Here There is a Comet Going to Destroy Earth!” There hasn’t been a comet to destroy Earth, but NASA ran some field ops to see if they were ready to get everyone up and out of the office and into a spaceship and off the planet if they were given only 10 minutes notification. It was a rush job every time plain and simple and that’s why they are flying with all the doors open on the space ship. Just get off the planet before that comet we didn’t notice until the last minute comes hurtling towards Earth and kills us all.
This was a great day. Just a truly great day. There’s no video tape to support the claims, but the men and women involved in the mission believe without a shadow of a doubt that it happened and happened perfectly. NASA successfully launched 3 mythical golden horses into space and sent them to the Moon. To be perfectly honest, they pretty much were having a space weed Olympics that morning and no one knows for sure what happened that afternoon, evening, and into the next morning. But when you talk to those NASA engineers, the tears in their eyes when they talk about those golden horses and them galloping in space. How can you not believe?!
This was kind of a weekend project that was more of a morale booster than anything else. Do you remember the 1983 movie WarGames? Well, pretty much everyone in NASA saw it the opening weekend and was just in love with it. Who wasn’t? It was a great movie featuring a young Matthew Broderick. There was just a lot of negative Nancy-ing going on in the NASA offices that year, but everyone was really rallying behind how much they enjoyed WarGames, so NASA put on a stage production of WarGames. It ran for 16 weeks and was loved by critics. It was nominated for several Tony awards, but didn’t win any. All those awards shows are politics anyway.
One of the most successful NASA missions that did not involve physically going into space. It was a design contest for the right bowl to be used to smoke the space weed. This was the design that won and the winner got an all expense paid trip to Seoul, South Korea where they got to debut the space weed chillum and smoke it with the Koreans. They all got high as fuck. I think you can guess that much.
Following the success of the official space weed pipe creating contest, NASA developed a vaporizer for the space weed. It was called “First Spacewalk” because when you take a hit off this vaporizer you’re so high you feel like you’re walking in space. So, that was insanely successful. Being the NASA employees they are it is more or less official policy if you’re hitting the space weed vaporizer that you have to wear the space suit. Plus you usually fall and bump into things that’s how high you get.
Another pirate ship idea, but this one is a little different – the concept was to build a big ass pirate ship and launch a space shuttle from the back of it. It failed miserably in every stage of this project. All of these people were fired once the project was given up on.
This is the commemorative badge regarding the first time NASA had its astronauts drop acid in space. It really wasn’t a logistical mission. They just got up there, put everything on auto-pilot, set the in-flight cameras to record and then they dropped acid. From the reports, it was equally the greatest and worst experience of their lives.
NASA made about the biggest space weed vaporizer you can imagine, set it into space and had the astronauts “spacewalk” while actually space walking. This project was kind of the beginning of there are no limits to what NASA will do with the space weed in space. It was like the “Cape of Good Hope”, but in space. Some feared spacewalking while spacewalking would lead to the time space continuum collapsing on itself. Others just thought you would get crazy high. The latter were correct. From there, there was no stopping NASA’s imagination.
Immediately following the previous mission, NASA installed a permanent giant chillum in space for astronauts or aliens to come and smoke their giant space weed peace pipe in space. It gets you fucked up.
This is just a space shuttle patch, but I just wanted to put this in here because I think it is very phallic and was curious what the rest of you thought. Phallic? I feel like NASA is telling us they have big dicks because they shoot rockets and been on the Moon and send Eagles to retrieve space weed and no one else does anything like this stuff.
Yes, there is magic. And yes, NASA has it. This patch was really a how far can we go on a half rocket, half magic run space shuttle. It went just as far as what they were doing already. So it was successful. Rocket fuel is pretty damn combustible and magic is as well. They’re about the same.
This was another big morale booster mission for the NASA people. They flew with the Autobots in space. That was really the long and short of it. It is like the equivalent of a celebrity basketball game, the NASA crew got to work on a space flight mission where they would get to race an Autobot. The good guy Transformer won, but everyone had a good time and it really made everyone’s month. Following the mission there was all you can eat buffet at the nearest Red Lobster as well as an open bar. Transformers, space races, shrimp scampi and a few rum and cokes, what more can a NASA worker ask for?
Arguably, the least successful mission in NASA history. Another damn pirate ship mission. This time the idea was to create the universes biggest space ship/pirate ship amusement park ride in space. Besides the building of hotels and so forth on the Moon, there became the idea of other tourist traps that could be created in space. The idea began circulating to build an amusement park in space. Then the pirate ship came into it. Pirate ships are usually involved in amusement parks and so are space ships. You know those rides where you get on one of them and it swings up the one way and then comes back the other way like an upside down metronome? Well, that was the plan. In no way was there ever a successful moment of this venture – about the only thing that actually worked was the sewing of this patch. It was a very divisive and many were fired and many quit over it.
Pretty simple task – get more space weed. Send the Eagle, send an empty space shuttle. Fill that shit up with as much as you can carry and bring it home to daddy. That’s about it. It went swimmingly. Those Eagles have a nose for that weed and they just led the ship straight there. Kind of became a regular part of the NASA budget were these types of missions.
It was only for a weekend, but NASA did take the Statue of Liberty into space. It was a prank on then New York City Mayor Ed Koch. No one is exactly certain why they did it, but they did. It worked. Just shot a rocket into space, cables were attached to it and the Statue of Liberty, hauled it up into space, let the Statue of Liberty free, took a couple victory laps around the Earth, took a few pictures, hitched up the Statue of Liberty to the ship and brought her home – no harm no foul. Pranks.
This was the last of the pirate ship missions. After this, that NASA big wig was forced to retire. His dream was never realized. Over a dozen of unsuccessful missions involving a wooden ship fueled by magic and rockets being sent into space to sail around the planets in the solar system. It was always a pipe dream. There is literally an untold amount of billions of dollars spent on making this a reality. It never worked. They tried. Oh boy did they try, but it never worked. They told him they would put the idea on a back burner, but he died of heart failure several years into his retirement. He never got to see his dream come true. His boy hood fantasy of an actual ship sailing through the uncharted dark waters of space. Kind of breaks your heart.
“Hands Across America”. Huge success. Wasn’t really all that difficult.
To put it simply, yes there are aliens. Every so often we meet up with the aliens in space and beam them TV and movies and porn and the like. They’re an advanced species, a much more advanced species, but they have no entertainment. They have laser cannons that can blow a hole through the Earth the size of Texas, but they have no sitcoms or hour long dramas or porn. They love porn, but who doesn’t? Anyway, it keeps them from killing our civilization. They were big fans of Arrested Development and almost killed us all over the cancelling of it. But we assured them there would be a movie made eventually. Hopefully, Hurwtiz et al can pull that off for the survival of the human existence.
Phallic right? I’m not the only seeing this right? It just looks really phallic to me.
Finally, this is our secret space marines patch. Pretty much if you’re an alien and you see this patch it means your alien ass. They are a blood thirsty bunch. Outside of those aliens we give porn to, we’re kind of the smartest bunch of living things in the universe and we kind of are big dick bullies just kicking around aliens on other planets. No surprise. We kind of rule.
Anyway, thank you NASA for all that you’ve done and that you continue to do.
I hope this gave you a greater appreciation for the men and women of our NASA community.
Any questions for Friday?
I DID ALL 32 TEAMS BABY! WOOOOOOOOHHH!!!!!!
THE SECOND HALF OF THE NFL SEASON!
Yes, ladies and ladies and maybe a couple gentlemen who are disguising themselves as ladies – the first half of the American Professional Tackle Football League (APTFL aka NFL) is ovah! Each and everyone of the illustrious 32 teams have at least 8 games under their metaphorical belt. The question remains two fold:
1. What has your team accomplished in these past 8 games?
2. What will your team accomplish in the these next 8 games?
As much as people want to make it seem that it is always eyes forward and onward to the future, your history does drag you down. If your team has been losing games in the 4th quarter and being outscored by opponents “a lot” to “a little” (I’m looking at you Miami Dolphins) then that is an issue that will continue to plague your minds until you correct it. The NFL has a lot to do with momentum. Winning a few games in a row, getting your running game together a few games in a row, defense playing well several games in a row – generally speaking, once it becomes the mentality of a team to do well against adversity then they can continue doing well.
And that also goes against a team. Once a team starts momentum in the opposite direction then it is hard to right the ship. If your team is giving up games then it is hard to motivate the team to start winning. If a team adopts the mentality of being a loser then it is sooner than later this 2010 season will be another forgotten season in your franchise’s history.
I’m sure you’ve all heard those pep talk percentages like a game is 90% mental and 10% physical. Some may shrug that off as crazy talk, but it truly is correct. These football players are all world class professional athletes. The degree of difference between one athlete to the next is not huge. Some are better than others sure, but they’re all capable of doing what each and every other player can do.
The difference between size and strength from one offensive lineman to another is negligible. They’re all about 6’5″ and 300 pounds. They all can bench press a Ford F-150. They’re all big and mean and eat half a side of cow for dinner. What really separates a Hall of Fame lineman from just some schmuck the team needs to deal with until they replace him next year with a draft pick? It is the mental. The mental edge one has over another. One has drilled into himself flawless technique. One has practiced endless his footwork. One has watched countless hours of film knowing exactly what blitzers he needs to pick up on each and every play. And one has that mental toughness to give it 110% and get into a car wreck with the football player standing across from him and bear the pain to do it for 60 minutes of football.
Same goes for all positions. Look at the evil Michael Vick. I mean before the Devil’s skeletal fire encased hand enters into our dimension through some magical portal and pulls Vick into the eternal clutches of Hell – let’s briefly talk about the difference between what he has done this year than other years. Is Vick faster, stronger, or more agile now than he was when he was younger and healthier? Obviously, no. But his decision making and his feel for the game has greatly improved. He has always been physically well prepared for football, but his dangerousness this year increased 10 fold because mentally he seems to have figured out how to use his physical tools as a quarterback. And I hope he rots in Hell.
Anyway – Here are the semi-relate-able/pop-culture fueled mindsets of the 32 NFL Teams from the first half of the season and now leading into the next half of the season. I’ll use these rankings from ESPN.com. Don’t worry, I’ll try to make this humerous.
Baltimore Ravens (6-2)
The Baltimore Ravens are the Zooey Deschanel of the NFL. She can act, she can sing, she can be funny, she can be cute, she can be sexy, she can be the girl next door, or the vixen of your dreams. She is on everyone’s radar and people can effortlessly say they are fans because she has credibility in all areas. From hipsters to jocks – everyone can root for her/them.
Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2)
Clearly, the Pittsburgh Steelers are the uncompromising WANT of Kristen Stewart. When used correctly, the Steelers have unimaginable power in all areas of the game. Their defense as well as Kristen Stewart’s want can be absolutely terrifying. Their offense has a power punching running attack, passing attack and will to win. But it doesn’t always happen that way. Sometimes Kristen Stewart’s beautiful want is put into terrible movies and as bright and wonderful as the want is – the movie still ends horribly. For the Steelers, that was their game against the Saints when they had all the opportunity to beat the Saints, but fumbled on what would’ve been a game winning drive. They have the power to win it all, but we’ll have to wait and see (I’m looking at you On The Road and Welcome to the Rileys).
Atlanta Falcons (6-2)
Justin Timberlake. They have all the flash and talent to make it in the entertainment world, but you’re still not sold on whether it will happen. Where does Timberlake fit in as an actor? The Falcons for the past couple years have been that dangerous young team in Georgia with a great QB, RB, WR and other abbreviations. They’re fun to watch and usually look good doing it, but can they really breakthrough from being young and talented to a serious contender. We’ll have to see. Consistency is what they need because they have little history.
New York Giants (6-2)
Their fans certainly don’t vote this way, but they are the Republican party. After last “season”, it really seemed like they were dead and gone away. They used to run this “league”, but have lost a lot of power in the past couple years. Going into this “season” there wasn’t a lot of fan fare for them, but have proved the critics wrong. Ahmed Bradshaw is like the Tea Party – fast, angry, came out of nowhere and is kind of running shit. Hakeem Nicks could be Governor Chris Christie. And the Giants obliterating defense could be the recent mid-term elections as they have knocked out the star players for the other team(s) and have everyone shaking in their boots about who will be next.
New York Jets (6-2)
Ke$ha. She certainly is one of the top darlings of pop music right now. She is a winner with big singles like “Tik Tok”, “Your Love Is My Drug”, “Blah Blah Blah”, didn’t she have that other song about going to some street where the freaks are or something, and she has that new song about being who you are or something. She knows how to win and she is getting it done, but she isn’t the prettiest pop princess. The Jets have some ugly wins and Kesha has been photographed in public.
New England Patriots (6-2) -
Bravo TV. You hate to admit, but it is goooood. On paper, no one should be watching Bravo Television. It is a network solely devoted to garbage reality shows about rich pompous unlovable bitches and then there is Top Chef, which is Tom Brady I suppose. All the decisions to get rid of players like Richard Seymour/Randy Moss and giving spin-off shows to these stupid ass housewives sounds like a bad idea, but it isn’t. The Patriots have multiple sub six foot white guys handling the ball and somehow it is working out. Sure there are some occasional missteps (letting Project Runway go), but they seem to bounce back and develop new ways of winning (Fashion Show).
Green Bay Packers (6-3)
Everyone loves unicorns and is always hopeful they are for real, but it just seems like they’re a never ending myth. The Packers are the team going to the Super Bowl at the beginning of every season and at points they truly do look like that team, but then you get a closer look at them and they’re really a single horned goat, an oryx with its horns tied together or a narwhal in a horse costume. Great quarterback, great receivers, great defense, but we’ll see how real they are in the post-season.
Philadelphia Eagles (5-3)
You want to hate him, but you can’t. Or at least I want to hate Jimmy Fallon, but I can’t. I want to dislike his late night show because I didn’t think he deserved to take over Conan’s old spot, but he is really winning me over. He has good guests, he puts together some great bits every week like the mannequin arm soap opera skit he did with Zach Galifianakis. The Eagles have some high profile talent, but mostly they are winning on sheer scrappiness, opponents underrating, and good strategy. Fallon’s show may not be in the same sentence as Letterman, Leno, Conan or The Daily Show, but it should be. It’s more out of a spite. Whether it is never being that funny on Saturday Night Live and then all of a sudden having your own show that I begrudgingly enjoy or it is being a dog murderer and at the same time being one of the best quarterbacks in the league – you just have to give credit where it is due.
New Orleans Saints (6-3)
Megan Fox and the Saints are soooo 2009. The sexiest woman and team from last season are the Who Dats from New Orleans and that brunette who was in the big robot movie. Nothing has truly changed about Megan or the Saints from last year, they’re just not as alluring as they once were. You can’t put your finger on it, but you just don’t have the same feelings you did this time last year for these two. Maybe it is because of all the running back injuries for the Saints and maybe it is because Megan Fox has spent another year banging Brian Austin Green – there just isn’t that same spark about them. But you would be out of your mind to think Megan is any less attractive and that the Saints don’t have another playoff run in them after going 6-3.
Indianapolis Colts (5-3)
When healthy the team is full of high powered offense shredding arguments and football fields, but nowadays they are battered and bruised and losing top names left and right. The Colts are a formidable opponent because of unparalleled leadership with Peyton Manning and the Democrats have the Golden Child and our Earth’s President Barack Obama. But one man cannot get it done by himself. Either their old stars need to get healthy or they need new stars to take on key roles to help lead them to victory. They have a pretty great lock on indoor stadiums/blue states, but once they head outdoors into those swing and red states things get tricky.
Tennessee Titans (5-3)
An old married couple. They are bitter, tough and can survive wars. Through injuries or a windfall of good luck – they just battle onwards to live another day. No matter how shaky they seem to be, you don’t want to fuck with an old married couple because they’ve spent way too many years of their lives not to have each others’ back in a knife fight. The Titans are a tough physical team that isn’t pretty, but has the ability to beat each and every team in the league. Their head coach Jeff Fisher has been with Tennessee for 16 years and been coaching in the NFL for 25, so the man is a rock out there. Great running game with Lil’ Wayne look-a-like Chris Johnson, a mean defense and they just signed Randy Moss as a wide receiver. Imagine an old married couple adding something new to their sex life – it could either reignite that spark or it could close them off and be more bitter for the rest of their lives.
Oakland Raiders (5-4)
The Raiders are Mickey Rourke. They’ve been around forever. They used to be one of the best and that had a nice long layoff into obscurity, but recently they have come back with a vengeance. The thing is – no one trusts it. Is Mickey Rourke really back to being a legitimate dramatic actor? Are the Raiders are serious contender in the league? Or are both of them the ticking time bomb we imagine and they’ll blow up and sabotage themselves? Who knows? The Raiders have a solid defense, their running back Darren McFadden is playing like a beast out there, but he is injury prone, and their quarterback situation is week-to-week. And isn’t Mickey Rourke like one long night in Las Vegas away from never acting again? Come on, who really thinks it will last?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-3)
The George Mason University basketball team. Yeah, that is a very specific reference. The Patriots, ya heard! George Mason and the Bucs of Tampa Bay are not in it every year. They have some history of winning, but it is spread around. They have a great year then disappear for a few years then have a very good year then disappear for a few years and so on and so forth. But those years where they are good, it captures the attention of their sport. Everyone is like “are they for real?” because they could be, but the could also fizzle away against a team with some real lineage. The Bucs are young everywhere. Young coach Raheem Morris, young quarterback Josh Freeman, and my favorite their young running back LaGarrette Blount (son!). They believe in each other and they can win games that maybe they shouldn’t, but can they keep up their momentum and win with a team full of no names against the perennials?
Kansas City Chiefs (5-3)
Newlyweds. Everything they do is exciting and new. The Chiefs were an old organization until they overhauled themselves with new coach, new offensive and defensive coordinators, and almost an entirely new/young team. Young couples thrive on energy and so do the Chiefs. Everything is fatalistic as well. Once things go well things are going well, but once these go bad then shit might be over. Lastly, the Chiefs and a young married couple look great out there, but no one expects them to last. Divorce is too prevalent and doing well in the beginning of the season is a lot different than doing well in the cold of winter at the end of the season with a whole bunch of young bucks. But you wish them luck.
Houston Texans (4-4)
The Houston Texans are like sending drunk texts. Oh man, isn’t drunk texting the best? It feels so right. No matter how times you do it and it doesn’t work out, every time you are back in the situation where you are drunk and you have access to your cellphone – it just couldn’t feel any more right to do it AGAIN! Every year is the year for the Texans to finally break through into being a real contender, but they just don’t. No matter how smooth you are with your texting it just comes out all wrong through your drunk fingertips. The Texans have a high passing offense with Matt Schaub as QB and Andre Johnson as one of the best/dominant wide receivers of recent years. Then all of a sudden, Arian “Master Race” Foster explodes onto the scene this year as a great running back. Add in Mario Williams and and AND Bernard Pollard on defense! Why doesn’t it work!?! I mean I sent a text telling her how “beautiful” she is. Of course, I sent it at 3:30am and spelled it “bootifull” and she’s engaged, but pfffttt… whiskey. It’s just fun to believe.
San Diego Chargers (4-5)
Strip club. Sing it with me… going to the strip club. Strip club. Going to… the strip… clubbbbb. To be more specific, the San Diego Chargers are a strip club and their quarterback Phillip Rivers is the naked women. If one was to really break down what a strip club is then you don’t like it. A dirty bar, shady customers, more expensive than a regular bar, have to a pay a cover usually, it’s wildly uncomfortable, you feel like a fucking creep, you spend way too much money, and all-in-all it is just disgusting. But… it’s a strip club! No matter how shitty the strip club is there are naked women inside. And that rules. That always rules in comparison to a place that doesn’t have naked women inside. Phillip Rivers is that amazing of a quarterback that regardless of how garbage of a team he is surrounded with he can make it happen. He can score touchdowns in a hurry and always keep his team in the game regardless of how bad his defense or special teams is playing. It is always alluring to go to a strip club because of the naked ladies. Plus with San Diego, they have Antonio Gates as their tight end, which is like saying that at this particular strip club there’s a chance Kate Beckinsale is going to show up and give you as many lap dances as you want. You might catch an STD, spend $1000, or get shot in the parking lot, but it’s a STRIP CLUB!
Miami Dolphins (4-4)
The Ballphins are like a girl in her 20′s getting a boob job. She has great new confidence and looks amazing in all her old clothes, but she just is not used to having this bigger chest. She’s running into walls, knocking things over with them, and generally aloof about how she needs to use these beautiful new bazongas. Sometimes these new boobs simply get her into trouble. These metaphorical beautiful fake boobs are dynamic wide receiver Brandon Marshall, the crushing man-giant Karlos Dansby, learning their QB Henne can throw the ball more than 20 yards, a great set of linebackers and still a solid pai of running backs in Brown and “Sir Smokes A Lot” Williams. They need “An idiots guide to living life with at least a D-cup” for some guidance. Maybe Chad Pennington replacing Chad Henne as starting quarterback this week will be just that.
Washington Redskins (4-4)
If the Dolphins are a girl in her 20′s getting a boob job, the Redskins are a woman in her late 40′s or 50′s getting one. Do women over 60 get boob jobs? If so then maybe that could be the Redskins as well. The Redskins have purchased a whole lot of new old “talent”, but it is just not meshing with what was already there. She’s getting into arguments with her friends like “you look ridiculous” and people are talking behind her back, which is only making her paranoid that more people are talking behind her back. She needs to not worry about the critics and just keep pointing her rock hard boobs forward into a brighter future soon or there may be a mutiny. Also, no decision is a good decision when it involves Rex “The Grossest” Grossman.
Chicago Bears (5-3)
Maybe you’re an alcoholic. Maybe? Obviously, you have a problem, but how bad is it really? So you’ve thrown up a handful of times this month, at least twice a week you fall asleep on your couch in your clothes, and you haven’t gone grocery shopping in two months, but you and the liquor store guy have a “usual” order, a secret handshake and call each other nicknames based on childhood stories you’ve revealed to each other. BUT you still show up to work and do a good job, you still have fun with your friends, and you’re getting laid as often as ever. The Bears are 5 and 3. That’s good, right? Matt Forte is a good running back, right? They signed Jay Cutler last year and hired Mike Martz to be the O coach this year, which was a step in the right direction – right? Big off season signing of Julius Peppers has really brought their defense alive again, right? Devin Hester is a wonderful asset as a punt returner and wide receiver and he can lead them to victory, right? But deep down, you know you are just another week of hard drinking away from getting the shakes in the afternoon. The Bears are the most unsteady good team ever. It’s like I just want to go to a bar and not worry that I have to go to a bar. You get me?
Jacksonville Jaguars (4-4)
Fast food. If you’re hungry and you don’t feel like looking for a real meal then you grab some fast food. It is quick, easy, cheap, and you’re full afterward. It gets the job done and even tastes good at times, but it is just a matter of time before you have diarrhea for the rest of the week. The Jags are a surprising 4-4 and even have a few dominant victories, but they’re not a real contender. They don’t have the substance of a playoff team. They’re a place holder and they can get the job done in a pinch, but you’re not taking a date there. If you want to get laid you don’t take a girl to KFC. And if you do know a girl who would be cool with that then my email address is… This is not to say that there isn’t some “talent” on the Jags or at a fast food place. Maurice Jones-Drew is a great running back and David Garrard is a good quarterback and I do love double cheeseburgers and chicken Mcnuggets. I could go for some In-N-Out burger right now.
St. Louis Rams (4-4)
The St. Louis Rams are how I would have handled things if I was Levi Johnston aka accidentally knocking up the girl you’ve been having fun hooking up with and she says she’s keeping it and then you talk yourself into this working out for the best by becoming Mr. Bristol Palin. This was unexpected. Hooking up was awesome. Sexing was awesome. We’ll consider the sexing without regrets/condoms the Kurt Warner/Marshall Faulk years of the Rams. Then when the “pulling-n-praying” technique failed that was the lean years when the Rams have sucked ever since. But this year, is that moment when you realize this could actually be good. She and I seem to get along – that’s probably why we were hooking up. She’s real cute, her mom’s good looking, so there are some good genes in the family and she’ll age gracefully. It’s a lot earlier than I wanted, but now I get to see if I can raise a kid. Basically, the Rams went through a rough patch and now are full of a lot of young talent that could lead this team to many years of success. Maybe this kid of ours will be as handsome and talented as rookie starting quarterback Sam Bradford. Maybe he will be an “animal” like amazing middle linebacker James Laurianaitis who is actually the son of professional wrestler Animal from Legion of Doom/The Road Warriors.
Minnesota Vikings (3-5)
Who could have fucking guessed these two were this fucked up? Demi Lovato was a cute kid and now a cute legal teenager who was steadily acting, had quite a nice music career going with two well selling albums, and she’s dating a Jonas brother. All great things. The Vikings had the “Silver Fox” Brett Favre coming off arguably his best season, a great wide receiving core of Sidney Rice and the always dangerous Percy Harvin, a top running game headed by “All Day” Adrian Peterson and a well oiled defense with the fab four frontline of Edwards, the Williams “brothers” and Jared Allen. But then we find out that she’s a cutter and addicted to cocaine and Brett is sending dick picks and their coach Brad Childress is an asshole and everyone is injured and she’s a slut and JUST STOP! What the fuck happened? You almost went to the Super Bowl last year! You were on Barney and you’re a vegan! Right now, they both need to regroup from their self-destructive behavior and then move forward.
Cleveland Browns (3-5)
STAR WARS! Like wars in the stars. The Cleveland Browns are like the magnificent Star Wars franchise. The Browns have 3 victories amongst a myriad of defeats. These 3 victories are much like the original Star Wars trilogy. All 3 are beautiful, unexpected and masterfully crafted – even more similarities are drawn when considering the later two victories are even more impressive than the first. The second victory was over the New Orleans Saints at New Orleans in the the Thunderdome. It was like Empire Strikes Back in that it was a victory built on a well engineered and executed storyline… by defensive coordinator Rob Ryan. The third victory was all action like Return of the Jedi with a truly dazzling performance by running back Peyton Hillis rushing for over 180 yards. But with how great those victories are, there are so many defeats that have happened already and will only continue to happen. George Lucas is planning ANOTHER trilogy. And the Browns still have to play the Steelers again. There is always the chance they can do something right with Star Wars and there is the chance the Browns can pull some more victories together.
I love thinking of Star Wars metaphors so here is another… The defensive schemes of the Browns are like lightsabers – they’re badass no matter who is wielding them. I dare someone who doesn’t work for the Cleveland Browns to name 4 starting players on their defense. Hell, name 3. I bet you can’t.
Seattle Seahawks (4-4)
PUBERTY. The Seattle Seahawks are going through some growing pains this year. They have a brand spanking new head coach Pete Carroll, who is making his return to the NFL after spending many years having the TIME OF HIS FUCKING LIFE coaching at University of Southern California winning football games with the greatest team money can buy and banging college chicks like he was Joe Paterno. Puberty is a week-to-week experiment in life that lasts for several years. Some changes are good and some changes are pretty ugly. You’re getting taller and have a better set of wide receivers, but you also have hair on your shoulders and you can play for shit on the road. You now have become a man and can have sexual relations, which is similar to turning Mike Williams into a viable wide receiver and Leon Washington as your return man, but you got the shit kicked out of you by the Giants on your home turf and your face will be covered in acne for the better part of high school. There are plus and minuses everywhere. Right now, you need to take heed of those positives and cultivate them for when you can really use them to their full potential in a couple years. Also, you need a new fucking quarterback – Hasslebeck is broken and Chaz Whitehurst ain’t gettin’ it done.
Arizona Cardinals (3-5)
It really wasn’t that long ago that people didn’t hate Jay Leno. Nowadays, people HATE Jay Leno. It is actually the cool thing to do. If you are in show business, it really isn’t that bad of an idea to beat up on Jay Leno. It really wasn’t that long ago that the Arizona Cardinals were in the Super Bowl and barely losing by a last second touchdown by the miraculous Pittsburgh Steelers. They were even in the playoffs last year. But now, I can’t stand to look at them or Jay. The Cards lost Kurt Warner, Boldin, Dansby and several others this off season, but they still have Larry Fitzgerald and competent coach Ken Whisenhunt. Jay still has his corny jokes, high pitch voice and his show is arguably the exact same – but I hate ‘em! Jay still has some fans and the Cardinals can eek out a few victories, but there’s no future in it.
Cincinnati Bengals (2-6)
There were just so many high expectations for this. A great cast like Steve Buscemi and Terrell Owens, Michael Pitt and Chad Ochocinco. A lot of hype from being in the playoffs last year and winning the AFC North and having Martin Scorcese and Terrence Winter as creators. But they are just not getting the job done on Sundays. They are underwhelming and no one is talking about them. They’re not bad, but they’re just not doing enough to win even with the few great acting performances mixed in. Well, actually, Paz de la Huerta’s full frontal nudity is Terrell Owens – they’re about the only thing worthy of tuning in for.
Detroit Lions (2-6)
SQUEEEE!!!! Twilight! The Detroit Lions are young and hungry and full of good looking talent everywhere, but they just don’t win. The key to sports is winning. Pretty or ugly – winning does mean everything. They don’t give Super Bowl rings to the team that loses it. The Twilight movies suck. And each time a new one is being made there are more and more positives that pop up, but the movie still sucks. Oh they have a good director this time. Oh Dakota Fanning is in it. Oh there are more action scenes. Oh they have decided to base the script not on the books with the similar name hoping this will actually produce a screenplay with half way decent dialogue. But there are no winners. The Lions have added great young players to pretty much every position and they all look great out there – Suh, Best, Johnson, Stafford – but they’re still only 2-6. And for absolutely no reason, I’m hoping they’ll be good. What do I care if they make a good Twilight movie? Well, I don’t know. What do I care if the Lions actually become a good franchise? Well, I don’t know. But I’m there and I’m rooting. If you’re wondering, which one of these football titans is the cigarette smoking elf Kristen Stewart —-> NDAMUKONG SUH! I love this man!
San Francisco 49ers (2-6)
I want to love them, but I don’t. A team and a band needs to be more than a sum of its parts. Individually I’m a fan of everyone in the band and I have a big man crush on a number of players in key areas on the 49ers: Patrick Willis, Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree, Frank Gore. I even love their coach Mike Singletary, but he just isn’t providing the wins that he needs to. As for Them Crooked Vultures, I love droning rock n’ roll, but none of the songs sound like hits and both groups sadly need a change in leadership to keep me as a fan.
Denver Broncos (2-6)
Fox’s TV show supernatural mystery thriller that I have absolutely no fucking clue about Fringe. When I think about the Denver Broncos for a minute my brain begins to hurt and I realize I have no fucking clue what is happening with the Broncos. They came out on fire last year just running teams over and then did a 180 and collapsed. This season they suck, but then they look ok and in all honestly they really are just not that interesting. I have never watched a second of Fringe and feel perfectly comfortable continuing that. Wasn’t that show about people dying on a plane and now the guy from Dawson’s Creek is a ghost or something. Is Kyle Orton a good quarterback or not? I really just don’t care.
Dallas Cowboys (1-7)
Lindsay Lohan. This one is easy. Just a few years ago, she was America’s darling and now she is in a downward spiral with no bottom. This year has been absolutely disastrous. On the surface it seems like the Cowboys and Lindsay should be able to get it done. Even with all the abuse Lindsay has done to herself, she can still look great. I mean she’s young, pretty, has big… eyes, but she is making just the worst decisions. The Cowboys are full of crazy talent with Miles Austin, Dez Bryant, Felix Jones, Demarcus Ware, Tony Romo (when not injured obviously), Jason Witten and so on, but they are just mentally not there to correct all the mistakes they are making. At some point, one would think that Lindsay and the Cowboys will have a moment of clarity and get back on top… but they haven’t. Maybe next year.
Carolina Panthers (1-7)
Your grandma has been turned into a zombie aka the Carolina Panthers. At this point just kill it with fire or chop its head off and move forward with your life. Once you’re bitten and turned into a zombie, life just keeps getting worse. The Panthers wasted their quarterback money on Jimmy Clausen and Matt Moore and neither is leading them to any victories. If there was a way they could forfeit the rest of the season they should. Just as you loved your grandma, the Panthers have loved their coach John Fox. But at this point she’s a zombie and he is another failed coach, so you need to part ways. The only thing left for zombie grandma or the Carolina Panthers is to maybe play season spoiler for some other team and hurt some other team’s star thus turning them into a futureless zombie football team as well.
Buffalo Bills (0-8)
This fucking website. Got a lot of no name talent giving it their all out there, but not a single win on their record. They’ll battle to the death with the big teams in all areas, but just come up short in the end. And the fans are a bunch of winos.
January 11, 2010
I am a racist. Or, I’m racist.
It has been 26 and a half years that I have roamed this planet under the guise of not being a racist. Finally, at 2am on the F train, heading from 2nd to 14th, a man saw through this charade. He called me a racist. Actually, he insinuated that I hold racist beliefs. I feel like I can finally breathe! This weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you, sir! Thank you, you terribly wise man who believes I “the number one proponent of Taye Diggs being arguably the most widely accepted sexual partner for straight women and gay men alike” am a racist. Whew, I’m glad someone figured this out.
At 2am, I and friends just barely made the F train to take us a few stops north on 14th to then grab the PATH back to holiest sanctuary I know, New Jersey. On the train was your typical motley crew of way past midnight and drunken passengers all trying to get home. Right by the door were two men. One was a young white kid who looked pretty attached to the punk fashion ethos of the late 70′s and early 80′s. Talking to him was a late 30’s, early 40’s black man. Their conversation was odd. The black guy was saying he thought the white kid looked like Steve McQueen. He didn’t. The black guy was drunk and so was the white kid, so he didn’t seem to notice how much he didn’t look like Steve McQueen. But keep that in mind though, the reference of Steve McQueen.
And I see the typo in the below, but I’m not redoing it.
The black guy was dressed in a suit. He was wearing a silver suit with a tie (purple?), leather shoes, a camel colored ¾ length London fog jacket, a scarf, and a driver hat. Needless to say he looked elegant. He looked out of place. If we were at a jazz bar or we were extras in the movie The Cotton Club then he would have looked completely “in place” and I would have looked completely “out of place”. He was older, he was dressed older and he was making Steve McQueen references. All great, but just random.
He turned his attention to me. Now, as mentioned the young white kid in leather jacket, knit cap, ripped jeans, acne, with a wallet chain did not look anything like Steve McQueen. The star of Bullitt and the F train kid both had arms, legs, Caucasian et cetera, but apart from that they did not appear to resemble each other in the slightest. Regardless, that is a great compliment. I do not look like Steve McQueen either, the man recognized this – instead he thought I should have played linebacker for the professional tackle football former Super Bowl winning franchise the New York Football Giants.
I’m a big guy. This is not the first time someone has made a reference to me and football. Usually, I get “offensive line”. I buy that. I did play some football and I did play offensive line. I’m a big white guy with tattoos who more often than not is not clean shaven and in that myself and many offensive linemen are similar. I am nothing like a linebacker. Oh I pray every night that I will wake up jacked with muscles, have a 4.5 40 yard dash, a good vertical leap and a crazy eyed stare that would make most people shit bricks. So, again this well dressed black man who appeared to be all by himself was either real drunk, has naturally bad vision, thought we were operating on an “opposite day” schedule on that F train and/or was a nice man who felt like handing out much much much undeserved compliments. Either way, I thanked him for the compliment, just like a racist would do.
When the train reached the next stop, “Not-Steve McQueen” got off the train. Out of nowhere a white guy around my age took the black guy by the arms and pulled him off the train. It wasn’t violent or anything, but the black guy didn’t seem like he was planning on getting off the train and this white guy who had not said anything to anyone especially said black guy just comes out of nowhere and physically removed the man from the train. On the platform, the white guy proceeds to flippantly say a few things that I could not hear to the black guy and then without a good bye or a handshake or a hug or any gesture whatsoever – the white guy gets back on the train sans black guy.
My friends and I started to laugh. It seemed quite peculiar. I think for everyone standing around it appeared like the really drunk white guy felt the drunk black guy had had enough fun riding and randomly giving out compliments and now he needed to start life anew at the Lafayette-Broadway stop in New York City. It was just odd. They had not spoken or even gestured towards one another. Also, there appeared to be no kind words or friendly parting words. So it was odd and in odd there is laughter. We laughed.
Once our white compatriot re-entered the F train, he noticed me in particular laughing – I was physically the closest to him. He asks “what’s so funny?” And I replied what he just did seemed funny because it didn’t seem like that guy was ready to leave. And he responds “You think it’s weird that a white guy could be friends with a black guy.” Yep. You got me. You nailed me good on that one buddy. Yep, that was exactly it. I’m glad someone finally noticed.
A few things –
1. Fuck that guy. Fuck that guy for thinking he is the first white guy in the history of white guys to have a black guy friend in the 26 years of my life. Fuck that guy with a rusty spoon. Fuck that guy with an AIDS syringe. Fuck that guy with a poster board cutout of Jerry Falwell. Fuck that guy with a poster board cutout of Michael Cera in Youth in Revolt. Fuck him with the full size Michael Cera cardboard cutout as Nick Twisp and then fuck him with the full size cutout of Michael Cera dressed as Francois Dillinger. Fuck that guy.
2. What fucking city was that subway ride in? Was there a Confederate flag on the wall? Were we even south of the Mason-Dixon line? No and no. We were in NEW YORK CITY. And in New York City, I’m not comfortable with black guys and white guys interacting? Is that the case? I’m not saying there is no racism in New York City, but there isn’t that racism. I wouldn’t have laughed or giggled seeing a white guy and a black guy interact if I was racist in New York City. I would just have swallowed that hate and continued to let it build until I got home and I beat my wife and children. Because you can’t survive in New York City just being openly racist and sharing that with everyone all the time. You wouldn’t be able to make it through your day. Do you know how much energy you would spend everytime you rode on a subway and saw people from any other race interacting with a white person and you needed to flip out? You would need a nap by 8am!
3. And what year is this again? 1952? Sure we served with them in World War 2, but it sure as hell doesn’t mean we need to socialize with’em!
4. Do I find it weird for black men and white men to be friends? No. Men of all races should be able to easily get along or at least be pretty cordial. Pretty much all men, regardless of religion or race, can talk sports. Every country has sports and men can find common ground talking about them. Just look at Dhani Jones and his Travel channel show Dhani Tackles the Globe. Those people end up falling in love with Dhani at the end of those episodes. And if we’re not talking about sports – the perils of going out to get laid can also be talked about. I know there are homophobes out there and they might not want to talk graphically about sex with gay men, but men understand other men having to get dressed up and smell nice and buy drinks for whoever attracts your eye at the bar, sound interesting in conversation, be witty and so forth all as one big rouse to sleep with someone. There is a lot of common ground being shared in that department as well. Anyway, men can get along unless they are fist fighting each other or shooting each other with guns because guys don’t have a hidden agenda. Women have hidden agendas and thus “bitches hatin’ bitches” occurs.
5. Do I find it weird for THAT black guy and THAT white guy to be friends? YES! If I had to guess what that white guy did currently in life, I would guess “unemployed”. If I had to guess what that black guy did currently and for the past 30 years of his life, I would guess “Gregory Hines impersonator”. Despite the at least decade age disparity between the two, there are also appeared to be a great “hygiene” disparity. Where as the white guy would have been perfectly suitable to play “guy who vomits on himself” in the background of the next American Pie straight-to-DVD sequel. The black guy would have been perfectly suitable to play a stand-up bassist in a Miles Davis biopic So, yes I find it weird that those two were “friends”.
6. Physically removing someone from a subway train at 2am without a goodbye or any previous interaction does not scream BFFF – best fucking friends forever. The friends I was with that night live in Hoboken and I in New Jeru. When the PATH reached the Hoboken stop, I and my friends said our goodbyes with each giving a hug goodbye and saying words like “it was so good to see you because we are friends and I hope to see you soon, goodbye”. That is generally the goodbye a friend gives. Not so much suddenly appearing from the shadows and dragging them off the train and then jumping back inside the train right before the doors close. That might be how Batman says goodbye, but not the average person.
So whatever, I’m racist. You would know best, drunken buffoon F train rider.
As far as the rest of my weekend, cross burning on Friday night and a “White Pride” rally much of Saturday. Sunday was relegated to knitting myself a new pair of Swastika socks and, of course, FOOTBALL! White power.
Football was entertaining this weekend, despite what some may tell you. A lot of people out there are trying to peg the Bengals/Jets game as boring or underwhelming. It was a decent game, what was the most entertaining moments was Shayne Graham muffing two field goal attempts. I don’t necessarily condone harassment, but if the city of Cincinnati does not at the very least toilet paper Shayne Graham’s house and saran wrap his car then I think they need to really check their fandom cards. The dude pretty much single handedly screwed up your second playoff appearance in about 20 years. The “Who Dey” Bengals do not get many chance is the playoffs and the kicker goes and fucks it up. They should’ve had Esteban Ochocinco kicking those field goals, he’s better than Shayne Graham any day of the week.
The Eagles/Cowboys game was pretty unappealing. I dislike the Cowboys and the Eagles played like garbage.
Ravens and Patriots game was amazing for any and all who did not live in the New England area. The Patriots are far from a national team and I would say they are more or less hated outside of the greater Boston-area. Meanwhile, I do like the Ravens a lot. I am black and gold Steelers, but the Ravens defense is just too damn charming to not love them. Ray “The Struggle” Lewis is in my top 5 favorite players in football and has been for 14 years now. I love Ed Reed as well. Also, Ravens’ runner retro-Rutgers’ “Ruh-Roh” Ray Rice rushing ridiculously right… rdown rthe Rpatriots’ rfucking rthroat ron rthe rfirst rplay rof rthe rgame rwas ramazing!
Lastly, Packers/Cardinals was the game to end all games. 51-45? Amazing. When Neil Rackers missed the game winning field goal!?! Oh man. I just started yelling “Bonus ball”. Packers fans need to give a ton of credit to Aaron Rodgers for digging them out of a 31-10 hole in the second half. And the game didn’t end 34-31. Both teams went on to score two, TWO, more touchdowns. Kurt “Hall of Fame worthy” Warner drives the Cards down the field for a completely make-able field goal which MISSES! OVER TIME! Unbelievable. The Packers get the ball to start and the first play of the OT is almost a 80 yard touchdown from Rodgers to Jennings, but… but … but… Rodgers overthrows Greg by a yard.
Two plays later and Michael “I suck and I have been picked on all game by Aaron Rodgers because I can’t cover any one of these receivers” Adams strip sacks Rodgers and Dansby picks up the fumble and takes it into the endzone for a touchdown. The Cardinals have a good defense. But this defense had yet to stop Aaron in the second half. Not only that, but the guy, Michael Adams, who makes the defensive play of the day was easily making the worst defensive plays of the day throughout the other 60 minutes of game time. I can’t wait for next week’s games.
Oh yeah, and I wrote this – http://www.ufc.com/index.cfm?fa=news.detail&gid=38981
Maybe y’all can give it the much needed estrogen laden KSWI bump, am I right? Probably not.
I hate Monday.