KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: CampbellD Edition

KSWI Editor’s note: Thank you to CampbellD and his guest post and Emma Watson. Check out Campbell’s blog “That’s Not My Wand” at http://campbelld.wordpress.com or click on the Emma Watson Still Wants It link below. If anyone – I’m looking directly at YOU and YOU know exactly who YOU are so don’t try to hide YOUrself behind YOUr monitor or YOUr computer chair or that lone baby chinchilla YOU somehow had by YOUr side because I still see YOU behind that puff of soft hair I could make a scarf out of – wants to write a guest post for KSWI then email me at jordankswi@gmail.com . Despite the rumors, I don’t have rabies.

Emma Watson Still Wants It.

As KSWI’s sole regular male commenter, I occupy a unique position in the grand dance between Jordan and his harem of commenters. That is, I am the one who gets sounded out for a male opinion in Jordan’s absence, whenever that might be. Unfortunately, I have never been particularly great when it comes to male opinions. I am only sort of a half man. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s all there, and boy howdy does it all work, but it’s just that I have had severe trouble growing up. Letting go of stupid kids stuff like Time Travel and Dinosaurs. Hell, I can only express a real male opinion on sport. I know sport. I am a sport nerd sometimes. Not one of those crazy people who can quote the stats of every player in the league and have a forty minute diatribe ready about why they picked this forward for their fantasy team over this forward. Those people should best be isolated in a room covered in televisions showing all the ESPN channels and they could die happy without bothering the rest of us with endless non-sequitor sports trivia (‘Did you know that they Rushed more Behinds in the 2002 season than any other?’ is not an appropriate response to ‘I’m getting Honey Oats Cheerio’s. Do you want a pack, or should I grab more Fruit Loops?’) or constant calls to go long every time there is an open field and they have something round that can be thrown. The worst part about these guys is that they still don’t really know what they are talking about, because they get just as many picks right in the office pool as Javier Ramirez, the gay intern who calls the teams by their colours.

Ok. So, my point is…no, wait, I don’t think I had one. Oh! Manly opinions. Yes. I can express fondness for hotness. In particular a supremely creepy fondness for a particular hotness-Emma Watson. Emma somewhat ably portrays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter series and as I have pointed out before I would like to be her man. And do terrible things to her body.

Also, she Wants it.

Not as much as K-Stew obviously. But Emma Watson does Want it. I have shown this previously. And my purpose here today is to discover if she still wants it, as much as she did the first time I asked this question. Keep in mind, as you read this that I am not a professional. I have an official purple belt in Wantology and I’m hoping that will be enough to do the job today. But there is nothing that says that it is. But despite that let’s take a look at some of Emma Watson’s recent appearances and you can judge for yourselves what sort of job I’m doing..

Emma’s recent Burberry shoot, the once favoured label of the English white trash, the Chavs. Emma is a sexy detective. Emma looks like she Wants to track down criminals and stare them  down until they tell her just where the jewelery is, otherwise she’s going to turn off the video camera and let Detective McCoy find it out. The hard way.

Verdict. Yes, she wants it. But it is a vague want. It is a shotgun at long range sort of want, while Kristen Stewart’s is a .50 Sniper Rifle with a laser sight.

Look, I can honestly say that I don’t think Emma Watson Wants it at the 2010 London Film Awards. But I know for a fact that Dan Radcliffe does not want it. He is about to fall asleep.  Keep your chin up, Dan, my lad. I know that you’ve been doing a lot of press, but one of your bestest friends in the whole wide world is giving a speech, the least you could do is stay awake for it. Otherwise that would just be plain rude.

Emma Watson is focused here. She is giving her speech. She wants people to hear her speech, but she does not Want it. Her legs do though. Look at those magnificent pins. They are doing plenty of Want. Not quite Emma Watson’s usual standard of Want, but they are helping, that’s for darn sure.

Here is Emma Watson preparing for her role as the teenage-mother of Hercules, Lena, pre-Zeus-in the-form-of-a-duck rape. I get that you invented a lot of great things, Ancient Greeks; Democracy, Roads, Milkshakes, Indoor Plumbing, and I’m grateful, but goddamn your religion was fucked up. By anyone’s standards, the King of the Gods raping teenagers while shaped like a duck is messed up. What kind of person makes that story up and then goes, ‘yep, this piece of mythology serves an adequate purpose in our society.’ Makes me almost believe that those crazy pagan stories happened. You can’t make that shit up. It takes a decidedly disturbed individual to come with those stories. Zeus also raped someone else by transforming himself into a showing of coins, that then fell into her lap. Classy Zeus. You know the way to a ladies panties is through her love of shiny things.

Actually, I have no idea why Emma Watson is dressed like an ancient Greek, or why there are giant Jello cubes in the background. I can tell you this though; she doesn’t Want it. Her Want is yet again lazy, and scatter-shot. She can take or leave Wanting it. I am beginning to get worried. Does Emma Watson still Want it? Has she lost her Wanting it abilities? How do I-

WHOA! OK. OKIE-MOTHAFUCKING-DOKEY!

She Wants it. She Wants it now, she Wants it a lot. Emma Watson’s lack of Want from before is entirely made up for. Her Want is a smoldering forest after a devastating wildfire, one that tore away all life from the earth, scorching and burning wherever it went. The Fire Services fought valiantly, long, hard nights, days of sweltering heat and terrifying flames. In the end, there was nothing they could do but move people out of the way, and pray for rain.

And rain it did, the only thing that could slow the fire down, giant fat drops, like the sky itself was weeping for devastating scar torn into the ground below it. The edges of the fire fell back, the flames dying down, struggling vainly against the torrent of water poured upon it. Eventually it surrenders, turning in on itself, burning back where it had before, becoming nothing more than smoldering embers for miles, like a dormant beast awaiting its chance to finish its apocalypse.

That’s what Emma Watson’s Want is like is these last pictures. Well, y’know, kinda.
Of course. We all know that despite how much Emma Watson Wants it, Kirsten Stewart Wants It more.

That is just a law of the universe.