November 22, 2010
Happy Motherfucking Monday!
If you know a mother who needs to get fucked then…
Well, fuck her? I don’t know. I need to rethink this motherfucking Monday. It sounds like I’m promoting something that may be legal in other countries, but not in the Americas(!).
Happy Motherfucking a Milf Monday!
That sounds better. It sounds more like it is your idea now. You have already put it into your brain piece that there is a mother in the world that you would like to fuck and today just happens to be the day that you will go tap dat. Right? As opposed to the idea of fucking a mother being thrust upon you like being motherfucked by this idea and you scrambling about to accomplish today’s specialness by grabbing some unexpected mother and giving her the most random day of at least this November.
So, happy Monday. I’m back. Already talking about fucking mothers, I see.
What did I do this weekend? How kind of you to ask? It is so delightful that you ask all the right questions that need to be asked when I need them to be asked so I can write this post exactly how I planned to write it. That last sentence certainly leads one to believe that I planned ahead of time this “Motherfucking a Milf Monday”. I wonder…
Two things are memorable from this weekend:
1. I drank Four Loko… again.
2. I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1
One before 2:
Emma Watson – let’s drink Four Loko together and solve life’s mysteries.
Gifts are gifts are gifts. If someone gives you something then you must accept it. Including herpes and AIDS. Just like herpes and AIDS, Four Loko will make you regret all previous decisions that have lead you up to the point that the Four Loko is about to touch your lips. I did not drink much Four Loko this time around. I shared a can of Four Loko between 4 buddies. This means I drank 1/4th the serving size of a single can of Four Loko and we were still pretty fucked up.
The caffeine, alertness, jitteriness, shakiness and so forth is almost immediate and then sets in even more with every sip you take. It is an awful concoction. It is the dirtiest drunk ever. It is just science and chemicals ruining your body in the purest most potent way. If Four Loko was found in nature then it would be declared poisonous to humanity. The bright color of both the can and drink inside is reminiscent of the bright colors found on the more poisonous frogs and plants in the wild. DON’T TOUCH THESE THINGS… YOU WILL DIE FROM TOUCHING THEM! And that is Four Loko.
It is so bad that it is exciting to drink. It is like deciding to put yourself threw hell for a few hours because it might be fun and certainly is very different than what it is like living life sober. I really cannot wait until this shit is made illegal and I will not have to see it again. Sadly, my friends and I do find crazy things exciting and that means someone buys some of it and then we all feel like we have to drink some.
Nevertheless, before Four Loko’s reign of terror ends. I pray to God there is a string of videos of celebrities and comedians drinking Four Loko and showing the side effects. I would LOVE that.
If Justin Bieber drank Four Loko… he would die.
If George Lopez drank Four Loko… he may actually be funny.
If Kristen Stewart drank Four Loko… you know how Jean Grey goes nuts and become an unstoppable supreme being goddess the Phoenix – well that would happen.
If Chuck Norris drank Four Loko… nothing different. Chuck Norris is immune to all.
I was thinking about what would happen if the Jersey Shore cast drank Four Loko, but I think that is what Ronnie is making in the blender. His Ron Ron juice is Four Loko or at least a sister version of it.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part I
I saw it.
I kept thinking of Jonah Hill’s line in Funny People while watching the movie:
“Hey. I saw the new Harry Potter movie. Harry’s getting old. He’s, like, older than my dad. They should call him Harold Potter. That Hermione’s got some big, old tit-ties.”
Here is my ****spoiler free**** review:
It was good. The movie looks great. David Yates has done a great job ushering in this second half of the series of movies as far as looks go. The movie does feel epic. The movie itself is just well made as the others have been. I enjoyed the movie and didn’t dislike it as a whole. Truthfully, I thought this was the weakest of the movies since the original. I really can’t imagine re-watching this movie ever. I have re-watched the others, minus the first, several times and even really like some of the movies like the third movie. I’ve seen the third a bunch of times. And the second half of the fourth is great as well. But I really can’t imagine wanting to sit through this again. It wasn’t bad and I was never bored and I found it enjoyable, but at the same time I really didn’t love it.
I’m still looking forward to Part 2 of the longest movie title ever. I’m guessing that is where they have hidden away all the action scenes. Whoops, spoiler! There are really no action scenes in this movie. I’m pretty sure we all knew that already.
Anyway… so here are my ****SPOILER**** related thoughts. I will say that my thoughts really aren’t too ****SPOILER**** related if you have read the books or couldn’t give a flying fuck because I don’t think I’m going to “spoil” anything. Anyway… ****SPOILERS!****:
Is it safe?
This movie was the most British movie ever. It was so fucking British. It was so British that I should have been given a cup of tea, had to kiss the ring of the Queen of England, refer to cops as “bobbies”, thought/think Oasis is the greatest band ever, play cricket, and all that stuff. Oh man, it was so British. It was so British that I should have rooted for a soccer team that is a perennial favorite and instead embarrassed themselves on an international stage as opposed to cheering for a team that endeared themselves to all the nations of the world through their spirit and will to win.
Ugh, it was so BRITISH. It was the most English, British, United Kingdomish thing ever. I’ve never watched the other Harry Potter’s and thought, “Man, could this get anymore British?” until this past Saturday. All the mellow drama, all the effeminate flair, all the sniveling. What the hell happened?
The first Harry Potter movie was like a Disney’s made-for-TV-movie. It’s budget appeared to be pretty minimal and it was insanely kiddish. Not the Kiddish, but “kid-d-ish” aka kid-like. Is that what “kiddish” is? Or is it translating the Kiddish for me? Whatever. I felt like a pedophile the entire time I watched the first Harry Potter. I don’t know what is on the Disney channel, but watching its after school programming was like watching the first Harry Potter to me. But I sat through it because everyone told me that at some point it gets more adult.
The adultness reached its soap opera peak in this movie. I have never read any of these books and I really don’t want to. Also, I’m a little tired of hearing people parade around that they read the Harry Potter books as if that was a greater task to read those books than any other series of books that were then turned into movies. I get it. You read them. The movies are different. It happens! Nevertheless, I’m grading the movies on the movies, not what happened or could have happened in the annals of Potter.
The Horcruxes are good movie kryptonite.
Holy fuck. Who cares about these damn horcruxes? I don’t. This is hands down the least interesting storyline in this movie series. What was once a movie series dedicated to kids learning magic and fighting evil wizards, has now turned into a glorified Easter egg hunt. Oh man, just find them you stupid kids. I hate the horcruxes! I hate them! Fight someone you stupid kids! Ugh, and the horcruxes are lame as shit!
A fucking locket? That’s what I’m supposed to be afraid of? A locket. I hate that locket. I hate that 2 hours of this film is dedicated to a stupid locket. And this whole locket nonsense couldn’t be a bigger ripoff of Lord of the Rings. So when one wears the “locket” they start thinking bad shit and get all sleepy eyed and turn on their friends? Wonder where I have seen that. But, why the fuck do they need to wear the locket?!!!! Answer me that you nosy kids.
In the movie, there is no explanation on literally why they have to wear the locket. At all. Keep it in your pocket you brats. But Hermione, that sweet beautiful and smart piece of ass, does suggest that they take turns wearing the locket because she notices Harry gets all emo when he wears it for too long. Great idea, Hermione! Literally, that is the best idea ever. She is so beautiful and talented and logical and I bet her hair smells like a spicy vanilla and I bet that when she smiles puppies are born. But there is a problem. Just like the brilliance that was the “No Child Left Behind” act, there was never the proper funding for it. So, Hermione suggests they take turns wearing the locket and instead of doing that they just dump it on Ron. Then Ron gets crazy emo, like he is the lead singer of Dashboard Confessional emo and thinks that Harry is trying to steal Hermione from him. Of course, this is false. But instead of taking the locket off and waiting 20 minutes to become level headed – he decides to just storm off and make an ass out of himself.
These are what my dreams look like^^^^ including the creeps in the masks.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT!
Ron leaves, leaving Harry and Hermione together. And what happens immediately after he leaves – HARRY TRIES TO STEAL HERMIONE FROM HIM! Harry does this by being the bestest gay bffffff ever by turning on his old transistor radio to a Nick Cave song and then dancing gayly with her in the tent. SO BRITISH! AHHHHHH!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THAT MADE THIS MOVIE SO BRITISH!?!
Fuck you, Harry Potter. Your boy, Ron, decides to wear a locket for no reason and he “wrongly” thinks you are going to steal his girl, but in fact you are trying to steal his girl. Also, you’re fucking the dude’s sister! I hate Harry Potter. What a piece of shit this kid is. He is this weak willed, emo, “tart” who is off sleeping with his best friend’s barely pubescent younger sister and he is trying to steal that same best friend’s girlfriend. What the eff? Fuck this kid. The only thing keeping me from becoming 100% pro Voldemort is him not having a nose… oh and Hermione.
Also, every plan that is conceived of in this movie fails… FAILS… immediately. Hey, let’s dress up Harry as a woman or a few women and we’ll all go in separate directions and FAIL. They hatch a lot of schemes in this movie and none of them work. It was like Deep Impact the non-porn one. Every time, they thought of a new plan to destroy that asteroid headed for Earth it never worked. And in the end, everyone dies and Elijah Wood out runs a Tsunami wave on a dirt bike.
Also, Also, all the racism of the muggle and magic user stuff was just off putting more than anything. We get it – you are bad guys. You want to take over the world with your evilness. You don’t have to be racist as well. That’s just un-needed. Wanting to take over the world? Sure. I get that. Wanting to kill Harry Potter? Sure. I get that. That kid is fucking annoying nowadays. But getting all uppity about blood purity and so forth? Just uncalled for. Maybe they don’t need a wizard duel as much as they need a Civil Rights march.
Oh man, now I am really thinking about the beginning of the movie. SO BRITISH! Snape in his cape and robes flying in and with a dramatic flick of his wrist he turns the gate into black smoke so he can walk through and then it turns back. Oh my, how fantabulous. Then these evil racist kid killers are in fact dignified enough to have a little government structure and table and they are nominated for tasks and are voted on those nominations. A mini-evil Parliament with Prime Minister Voldemort. BRITISH!
Lastly, isn’t “Deathly Hallows” a little much for a wand, stone and a cape? How about Harry Potter and the Magical Chotchkies. That sounds better.
So, I did like the movie, but wasn’t too into it. They really are setting up the last one to be an all out action movie and I hope it is because there is no action in this movie. When I decide to spend 2 and half hours watching kids do magic tricks and instead I get a BBC soap opera – I feel a little disappointed.
Harry Potter and Hollyoaks is more like it. AM I RIGHT?
But, wow… Emma Watson folks.
I’m surprised Ron even gives a fuck about this wizard bullshit. I would just take Hermione far away from all of that and just be happy. Why risk your life for glasses over there when you already have the hot chick? Not really sure what he’s doing. I mean Han Solo still had to go and get Princess Leia. Hermione is already there. Right? Anyway… priorities I suppose.
June 9, 2010
KSWI Editor’s note: Thank you to CampbellD and his guest post and Emma Watson. Check out Campbell’s blog “That’s Not My Wand” at http://campbelld.wordpress.com or click on the Emma Watson Still Wants It link below. If anyone – I’m looking directly at YOU and YOU know exactly who YOU are so don’t try to hide YOUrself behind YOUr monitor or YOUr computer chair or that lone baby chinchilla YOU somehow had by YOUr side because I still see YOU behind that puff of soft hair I could make a scarf out of – wants to write a guest post for KSWI then email me at firstname.lastname@example.org . Despite the rumors, I don’t have rabies.
As KSWI’s sole regular male commenter, I occupy a unique position in the grand dance between Jordan and his harem of commenters. That is, I am the one who gets sounded out for a male opinion in Jordan’s absence, whenever that might be. Unfortunately, I have never been particularly great when it comes to male opinions. I am only sort of a half man. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s all there, and boy howdy does it all work, but it’s just that I have had severe trouble growing up. Letting go of stupid kids stuff like Time Travel and Dinosaurs. Hell, I can only express a real male opinion on sport. I know sport. I am a sport nerd sometimes. Not one of those crazy people who can quote the stats of every player in the league and have a forty minute diatribe ready about why they picked this forward for their fantasy team over this forward. Those people should best be isolated in a room covered in televisions showing all the ESPN channels and they could die happy without bothering the rest of us with endless non-sequitor sports trivia (‘Did you know that they Rushed more Behinds in the 2002 season than any other?’ is not an appropriate response to ‘I’m getting Honey Oats Cheerio’s. Do you want a pack, or should I grab more Fruit Loops?’) or constant calls to go long every time there is an open field and they have something round that can be thrown. The worst part about these guys is that they still don’t really know what they are talking about, because they get just as many picks right in the office pool as Javier Ramirez, the gay intern who calls the teams by their colours.
Ok. So, my point is…no, wait, I don’t think I had one. Oh! Manly opinions. Yes. I can express fondness for hotness. In particular a supremely creepy fondness for a particular hotness-Emma Watson. Emma somewhat ably portrays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter series and as I have pointed out before I would like to be her man. And do terrible things to her body.
Also, she Wants it.
Not as much as K-Stew obviously. But Emma Watson does Want it. I have shown this previously. And my purpose here today is to discover if she still wants it, as much as she did the first time I asked this question. Keep in mind, as you read this that I am not a professional. I have an official purple belt in Wantology and I’m hoping that will be enough to do the job today. But there is nothing that says that it is. But despite that let’s take a look at some of Emma Watson’s recent appearances and you can judge for yourselves what sort of job I’m doing..
Emma’s recent Burberry shoot, the once favoured label of the English white trash, the Chavs. Emma is a sexy detective. Emma looks like she Wants to track down criminals and stare them down until they tell her just where the jewelery is, otherwise she’s going to turn off the video camera and let Detective McCoy find it out. The hard way.
Verdict. Yes, she wants it. But it is a vague want. It is a shotgun at long range sort of want, while Kristen Stewart’s is a .50 Sniper Rifle with a laser sight.
Look, I can honestly say that I don’t think Emma Watson Wants it at the 2010 London Film Awards. But I know for a fact that Dan Radcliffe does not want it. He is about to fall asleep. Keep your chin up, Dan, my lad. I know that you’ve been doing a lot of press, but one of your bestest friends in the whole wide world is giving a speech, the least you could do is stay awake for it. Otherwise that would just be plain rude.
Emma Watson is focused here. She is giving her speech. She wants people to hear her speech, but she does not Want it. Her legs do though. Look at those magnificent pins. They are doing plenty of Want. Not quite Emma Watson’s usual standard of Want, but they are helping, that’s for darn sure.
Here is Emma Watson preparing for her role as the teenage-mother of Hercules, Lena, pre-Zeus-in the-form-of-a-duck rape. I get that you invented a lot of great things, Ancient Greeks; Democracy, Roads, Milkshakes, Indoor Plumbing, and I’m grateful, but goddamn your religion was fucked up. By anyone’s standards, the King of the Gods raping teenagers while shaped like a duck is messed up. What kind of person makes that story up and then goes, ‘yep, this piece of mythology serves an adequate purpose in our society.’ Makes me almost believe that those crazy pagan stories happened. You can’t make that shit up. It takes a decidedly disturbed individual to come with those stories. Zeus also raped someone else by transforming himself into a showing of coins, that then fell into her lap. Classy Zeus. You know the way to a ladies panties is through her love of shiny things.
Actually, I have no idea why Emma Watson is dressed like an ancient Greek, or why there are giant Jello cubes in the background. I can tell you this though; she doesn’t Want it. Her Want is yet again lazy, and scatter-shot. She can take or leave Wanting it. I am beginning to get worried. Does Emma Watson still Want it? Has she lost her Wanting it abilities? How do I-
WHOA! OK. OKIE-MOTHAFUCKING-DOKEY!
She Wants it. She Wants it now, she Wants it a lot. Emma Watson’s lack of Want from before is entirely made up for. Her Want is a smoldering forest after a devastating wildfire, one that tore away all life from the earth, scorching and burning wherever it went. The Fire Services fought valiantly, long, hard nights, days of sweltering heat and terrifying flames. In the end, there was nothing they could do but move people out of the way, and pray for rain.
And rain it did, the only thing that could slow the fire down, giant fat drops, like the sky itself was weeping for devastating scar torn into the ground below it. The edges of the fire fell back, the flames dying down, struggling vainly against the torrent of water poured upon it. Eventually it surrenders, turning in on itself, burning back where it had before, becoming nothing more than smoldering embers for miles, like a dormant beast awaiting its chance to finish its apocalypse.
That’s what Emma Watson’s Want is like is these last pictures. Well, y’know, kinda.
Of course. We all know that despite how much Emma Watson Wants it, Kirsten Stewart Wants It more.
That is just a law of the universe.