Some Mondays Are Just More Twisted Than Others
March 22, 2010
What a gloriously depressing weather day it is today in Central, New Jersey. Thursday was beautiful. Friday was beautiful. Saturday was beautiful. Sunday was beautiful. Monday is shit. I remember thinking to myself late Sunday night “I need a beer”, but after that I remember looking out the window for a moment and noticing the sky was gray. Is it going to suck on Monday? And it does. Outside of the weather, the world is still wild and crazy and that is all I need to keep me going and writing.
I will start this new and always historic week at KSWI with a confession. That’s right! I, KSWI Jordan, will confess something. A deep dark secret. A factoid of knowledge that has lingered in the depths of my heart and brain worrying me, plaguing me, CONFOUNDING ME! So listen up everyone! Stop molesting those altar boys for one holy second Mr. Priests because I have a confession to make.
I confess: I like the Black Eyed Peas.
AHHHHHHH!!!!!! I FEEL THIS BURDEN LIFTING OFF MY SHOULDERS!!!!! I CAN BREATHE!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!! FFFFFPPPHHHHHMMMM (intake “breadth”) FFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFOOOOOO (outtake “breadth”)!!!!! I FEEL SO ALIVE! FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME! I CAN’T DENY YOU! I FEEL SO ALIVE!!! I, I FEEL SO ALIVE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME!!!! AND I THINK I CAN FLY!!!
Hmmm… I think I stole the last few exclamations from the immortal words of P.O.D. and their hit single “Alive”. Which as we all know was rightfully banned from radio and TV because of the tragic events of 9/11. They should have just banned P.O.D. because they suck, amirite? Awww, P.O.D. doesn’t suck. You just said you liked the Black Eyed Peas how can you talk shit on P.O.D.?
Anyway, I recently have found room in my warm bloody heart for the Black Eyed Peas song “Imma Be”:
This began a serious moment of reflection. How many songs from a band do I have to like before I have to acknowledge I like that band? So…
1. “Let’s Get Retarded”
2. “Pump It”
3. “Don’t Phunk With My Heart”
4. “My Humps”
5. “Boom Boom Pow”
6. “Rock That Body”
7. “I Gotta Feeling”
8. “Imma Be”
I have never sat down and listened to a Black Eyed Peas album. I’m not saying I ever will/would. Currently, I have no intentions of ever spending a single dime on the Black Eyed Peas. But I cannot deny that I think they put out some of the better pop/dance singles. Most of the 8 songs mentioned were not only popular, but they were monumentally popular. Either I liked them from the get go or I have been brainwashed into liking them. I just had to say that. It has been something I have wanted to share publicly for a long time and I thank you all for listening.
I confess my adoration for the Black Eyed Peas, but that is not all! I have more to talk about. There was something historic that just happened I would like to take a moment to reflect on, outside of me admitting to myself that the Black Eyed Peas hold some reverence in my musical heart. That thing: Healthcare reform bill passed! HISTORIC!
I will begin this discussion about the Healthcare reform bill passing through the guidance of Ms. Nancy Pelosi by liberally quoting Dawgz. I will, of course, fix his typos because I’m a friend. Not a good enough friend to not mention that there are numerous typos. Dawgz writes like he is the most brilliantly hyperbolic inner-city youth:
With a historic 219-212 health care vote, on a bill that seemed absolutely dead two months ago after Massachusetts fell in love with the hunky Scott Brown and his green pick-up truck, “The Ice Queen” Nancy Pelosi just vindicated her entire political career. Her arm twisting, already legendary, now officially becomes epic. She will go down in history as one of the most formidable Speakers of the House of the last century. I don’t care what you all think of the bill or Pelosi personally, but she forced Obama to get off the sidelines and fight for reform, while also corralling her wavering party to summon the political-will most people did not think they possessed. Impressive stuff for the first leader of Congress with a D rack.
Here is how she did it:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/21/health/policy/21reconstruct.html?ref=politics
And yes, what a lovely bosom that 69 year old Speaker of the House lady has. Are you sensing a list of women over 60 that men should fuck? Because there very well might be one in the future.
“The Ice Queen” Nancy Pelosi, Rahm Emanuel and President Barack Obama should feel elated right now. In face of much much much opposition and nay saying and just overall bullshit pessimism – they passed a healthcare reform bill that many thought was impossible to pass.
Currently, I already imagine that Washington D.C. and the political world there is setup exactly like high school. There are the cliques, the cool kids, the nerds, the outcasts et cetera. And right in the middle of it, I think that Nancy Pelosi and Rahm Emanuel walk around like two high school football playing jocks bullying the rest of the students.
They stride the halls with a cocksure swagger. They push a couple Republican representatives from small states into some lockers. In the cafeteria, they knock Joe Lieberman’s lunch tray out of his hands when he walks by. They’re just really aggressive and vulgar to everyone. And today is most certainly the day for them to just “big dick it” in those hallways.
Rahm Emanuel walks down the hall and smacks Ohio’s 15th district representative, Mary Jo Kilroy, on the ass.
Rahm Emanuel – How’s the Financial Services committee? How’s that hot piece of black ass Maxine Waters doing? She’s got my number. Tell her to “holla”. Question is- do you have my number? Because I got some if you need it.
Mary Jo Kilroy – I am married with two chil-
Rahm Emanuel – I didn’t say you had to get a fucking divorce. I’m talking about some action. *smacks her on the ass again* Whatever, you know where to find me. If you see Bill Posey first, tell that limp dick when I see him I’m going to make him kiss the ring. You’ll know that I’ve delivered the message already if he’s crying like a bitch, am I right? *smacks Mary Jo on the ass one more time* You could bounce quarters off that thing! Peace!
Rahm flashes the peace sign at Mary Jo and then he brings it to his lips and graphically starts sticking his tongue between them.
Rahm Emanuel – You love it.
Rahm continues walking. Rahm walks past Oregon’s 5th district representative Kurt Schrader and fakes throwing a punch at him causing Kurt to flinch. Rahm laughs, calls him a “pussy” and keeps on strutting.
That was fun. But today is really “The Ice Queen’s” day. I wonder how she is celebrating.
Meanwhile…
Somewhere in Washington, three men are having a pleasant conversation: Ohio’s 10th district representative Dennis Kucinich, California’s 25th district representative Buck McKeon, and Alaska’s only representative Don Young. An ominous sound is heard in the distance. A shiver of adrenaline, fear, runs up Dennis Kucinich’s spine.
Dennis Kucinich – Oh no. She’s coming.
Don and Buck look at each other. They see the unbridled terror in Dennis’ eyes. And they now can hear it too. An echo of a steady bass drum heading right to them. The sound is immediately recognizable. It is the rhythmic clopping of high heels on linoleum.
Buck McKeon – It’s Nancy Pelosi. She’s only 10 seconds away and moving in fast.
Don Young – The Doom Bringer? What should we do?
Dennis Kucinich – Run!
Nancy Pelosi – Not so fast you squirrelly fuck!
The three men now sheepishly afraid turn and see the first ever woman Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi walking towards them. Her icy stare freezes their central nervous system and they just watch as she moves closer.
Buck McKeon – I can’t move.
Nancy Pelosi – You better not move, Buck, because I’ll chase you. And I’ll catch you. And you know what happens when I catch one of you bitches who runs from me?
Buck McKeon – You pants them in front of everyone.
Nancy Pelosi – You’re damn right about that.
Nancy reaches the three of them. She appears to be looming over them like a 7 foot tall Hakeem Olajuwon.
Buck McKeon – Good morning, Nancy.
Don Young – Good morning, Nancy. You look radiant today.
Nancy Pelosi – Take your tongue out of my ass for a minute, Don. All you had to say was “good morning”.
Nancy ball taps Kucinich which doubles him over. Don and Buck wince in empathy.
Nancy Pelosi – No “good morning” from the Keebler elf? Come on, Dennis, let’s hear it.
Dennis Kucinich – *gritting his teeth in nauseating pain* Good morning, Ms. Pelosi.
Nancy Pelosi – That’s better. So what’re you fags talking about? Fucking each other, right? Did I interrupt you three making out? Triple kissing homos.
Don and Buck are wide-eyed disgusted. Kucinich is still bent over holding his crotch.
Nancy Pelosi – I’m just fucking with you. I know you all aren’t queers. Old Buck McKeon? Buck “who likes to fuck” McKeon? Straight as an arrow. And Don Young? You must’ve been beating chicks off with a stick up there in the snow. I mean girls had to choose between fucking you or a polar bear, am I right? I’d choose you too, Donnie boy.
Nancy notices Kucinich is still in pain.
Nancy Pelosi – Come on, Dennis. I didn’t hit you that hard. I just flicked it.
Nancy helps Dennis back to an upright standing position.
Nancy Pelosi – You may look like a little faggy tree elf, but we all know you’re a sex monster, right? What did you do this weekend? You dog that hot redhead wife of yours? You get some stank on that pecker? I bet you did, you weird little creep. I bet you get freaky with her. I know I would. I know I would. So give up the deets. Give up the details. You get some stank on that little flesh patch you call a dick?
Nancy Pelosi ball taps Kucinich again. He doubles over again. Nancy walks around behind and grabs hold of him on either side of his waist.
Nancy Pelosi – Yeah, I would grab that sexy fire crotch skinny bitch around her narrow waist and just boom boom boom…
Nancy proceeds to pound Dennis Kucinich from behind as Don and Buck look on revolted.
Nancy Pelosi – Uh huh, that’s some good pussy right there.
Nancy then gives Dennis a couple good hard spanks which make Dennis’ knees buckle for an instant. After a few more fake penetrations, Nancy pulls out her imaginary penis and pantomimes finishing herself off all over Kucinich’s back.
Don and Buck look horrified as if they did just watch Nancy Pelosi rape Dennis Kucinich from behind and did nothing to stop it from happening. Kucinich proceeds to tug at his jacket like it’s a security blanket. He looks to be in shock from the whole violation.
Nancy Pelosi – Whew, that was pretty hot. Whew, really hot. My nipples could cut glass right now. I have to admit, Dennis is such a weirdo that my clam is usually dryer than the Mojave Desert when he is around. But right now, I’m wetter than the Pacific Ocean.
Nancy Pelosi starts sniffing the air.
Nancy Pelosi – Can you smell it, boys?
Don and Buck are utterly disgusted.
Don Young – Ms. Pelosi, you are the most vulgar-
Nancy Pelosi – You can smell it. Don’t you lie to me, you son of a bitch. You know you can smell it. I know I can. Tell me what that smell is, Fucky Bucky.
Buck McKeon – Well, it’s your va-
Nancy Pelosi – It’s democracy.
Buck, Don and Dennis look thoroughly confused.
Nancy Pelosi – And it smells glorious. See you ass clowns later. I have to go do an interview with that twat Kouric. I’m going to go gloat on television, boys.
Nancy stomps off down the hall. After 15 powerful strides or so she stops and turns.
Nancy Pelosi – The smell of democracy and “this”.
Nancy forcefully grabs her crotch. She then smells her fingers and then gives Don, Dennis and Buck the finger and keeps on walking.
Nancy Pelosi – Fags!
- End Scene -
I am twisted and it is still raining outside. I love politics!
