Step 1: Get Young People, Step 2: Put Them In A House

Tonight is not just like every other night. Tonight we will eat leaven bread not like every other night. Some nights we do not eat leaven bread because we choose to eat crackers. I prefer Ritz, but Saltines are perfectly acceptable. Club crackers, which many forget even exist until one mentions them are also a fine substitute. Crackers are not leaven bread and we may eat them. Crackers are not leaven bread, right? They don’t look “leaven”. Crackers are a little more than paper thick, instead of big breasted loaf of bread. I’ve been reading a lot of Tom Wolfe and he loves describing big rolling hilly lawns as being big breasted. A loaf of potato bread would be a full C cup and a cracker would be a training bra amount of “leaven”.

Someone is ringing my doorbell* — I’ll be right back…

… I’m back.

That was the Jehova’s Witnesses. Not all of them. Just two well dressed women. They were very nice and I to them. Their first question was about how bad the world has gotten with the wars and earthquakes and hurricanes and such, so “do you think God has left us?” My response “No”. She responded, “Why?” And I answered, “I don’t think God can leave us.” Then she explained about their literature and gave me a pamphlet. We had a nice goodbye and now I’m back.

Let me say this, the world is not all that bad. It was worse before. If God would/could leave us, it probably already happened during the times of open slavery in America, the Holocaust, conquistadors killing everything they saw from Mexico through the southern most tip of South America, the atomic bombings of Japan, the endless bloodshed in God’s name of the Crusades… There have been some bad times in this world and if God didn’t leave us then God isn’t leaving us now. Also, God is the omnipresent, omnipotent and infinite – I’m not sure where God could go or even have the ability to go. I don’t think “infinite” is something that can just pack up its bags and leave. Anyway…

These are better times! Much better times! Case in point -

JERSEY SHORE’S SECOND SEASON STARTS TONIGHT!!!!!!!!

YES! THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD AND THE ALMIGHTY HAS SHOWN US THE GLORY! THE SHINING TANNED GLORY OF THE JERSEY SHORE! AHHH I FEEL IT LORD! I FEEL IT ETERNAL! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THE SITUATION AND DJ PAULY D BACK IN ACTION AT THE CLUBS! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND GUIDOS! HALLELUJAH!

So, I’m psyched. What I wasn’t psyched about last night was being given dubious hope that the Jersey Shore was on last night and it was not. What was on MTV instead of Jersey Shore? The Real World. HAHAHAH… Did anyone even know that they were still making this show? I didn’t. How are they still making this show? That used to be the only reality show on MTV, but now they have a million, so why is it still around? Who fucking knows? Did I watch a minute or two and go to the website? You bet your sweet ass I did. Am I going to write about that? You should keep betting on that same sweet ass I just said you had I will.

Real World XXIV: Back to New Orleans… ahahahahahahahahahah! “Back to New Orleans”? Either MTV has made so many Real Worlds that they have ran out of different major cities to have the show or they think filming a season of the Real World in New Orleans is somehow going to help those people get over Katrina or Rita or the shitty John Goodman ending in Treme. So, it’s another season of Real World where they take a bunch of young people from different parts of the country and different beliefs or whatever and stick them in a house. But there is a big twist this season – see if you can spot it:

Here we go…

This is Knight. Yes, Knight. And here is a picture of him taking off his pants slightly. What the fuck? Why is this an appropriate “cast bio” picture? Every season of the Real World has the cornfed All American good looking white boy. This season does not! AHAHAH… who the fuck is this guy!?! Knight!?! What the fuck kind of name is Knight? And he isn’t even good looking. Well, he’s alright, but I mean he is big step down in the looks department. He’s a copy of a copy of a copy to the point the color has lost its luster and everything is flat looking and faded. Let me take a look at his bio – maybe he’s more than just a completely average set of superficial looks. Hmmmm… he played hockey, goes to ASU, got hurt and now he doesn’t play hockey anymore. BORING! Fuck! Hockey!?! Who would’ve guessed ASU had a hockey team? Why are people in Arizona playing hockey? Either way, that is old news because he doesn’t even play hockey. MTV couldn’t find a better looking white guy than this? I find this deplorable.

This is Jemmye and Eric. Bleh. There were two reasons why the Real World existed:

1. There was a time when no one from different races or ethnicity or sexual orientation lived together. That had never happened before. All white people lived with all other white people. All black people lived with black people. And it was MTV who changed that forever by making the Real World. MTV integrated society! But nowadays everyone is just living with everyone. Blacks and whites. Hispanics and Asians. Gays and straights. One white guy from north New Jersey is living with a white guy from south New Jersey in Jersey City and that wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for MTV.

2. Beautiful people. You got to see a bunch of good looking people living together. Young good looking people. Young good looking people getting drunk and hooking up with each other the only way good looking people know how to.

Nowadays, seeing a black guy living with a white guy or a white girl or a Mexican or a Mexi-can’t or whatever is not that interesting. That is just not a draw anymore, so the #1 reason to watch the show has been null and void for years now. All we’re left with is #2 – young hot people getting drunk and hooking up.

Well, they’re young. And they do get drunk and hook up. But “hot”? What happened!?! Can MTV not find hot people anymore. These kids are all acceptably attractive, but no more than any other person walking on the street. Maybe not the Lizard Man who walks the street. But outside of the Lizard Man, you wouldn’t do a double take on any of these people. So they’re not getting anyone to tune because of their looks. Maybe these people are more interesting than Knight was.

From Jemmye’s cast bio “She enjoys casual sex with no commitment, and she has a preference for black men” – seriously? Who doesn’t? That sentence could describe 95% of America minus the Lizard Man. The Lizard man likes LIZARDS! Anyway, so Jemmye is a big slut and she isn’t hooking up with the black guy. She is actually messing around with Knight. What? I know! Knight doesn’t have a black penis. Speaking of, Eric is a struggling comedian. BORING. NEXT! Sahar grew up in Dearborn, Michig…. zzzzz…. zzzzz… and Ashlee is going to New Orleans to either pursue her “dream” to be a sideline sports reporter or get unsafe drunk in Nawlins. Take a fucking wild guess which one happens.

Urkel! Steve Urkel is on the Real World! I did not see that coming. His name is actually Preston and he has a sob story for a life. His mom is/was a crack addict and abandoned him at 17. I’m not sure that makes Preston interesting. It makes him mom interesting, but I’m not sure about Preston. Next season of the Real World should feature Preston’s mom, God willing. The blonde is McKenzie who is a 21 year old college chick from UCF. So, there’s that. She’s cute. *shrugs* That’s really all I got on her. She’s not a stripper or a racist or anything as far as I can tell, so I’m bored still.

The gay guy. Great. He has a bleach blonde emo hair cut straight out of 2000. And stereotypically he is “outrageous”. He likes to chase his roommates around naked and he has a “fascination with cold ears” and he is “bizarre”. Fuck this guy sucks. Ryan is the lamest gay guy ever. Where are the cocaine orgies? You’re on TV, dude! Get nuts! Like nuts crazy and nuts as in guys’ nuts. You’re not going to attract a real gay guy with some “fascination with cold ears”. If someone is writing a biography about you and the third thing they mention about you as a human being is your “fascination with cold ears” you do not deserve to be on television. Worst gay guy ever.

So, Real World sucks.

The cast of the Jersey Shore:

GLORIOUS! They’re all golden orange tan, the chicks all have huge fake breasts (minus Sammi, but I’ll let her pass), they wear little to no clothes, they’re constantly hooking up with each other, the guys are shredded with muscles, Ronnie punches people in the face, they all look absolutely ridiculous and they’re complete fame whores. Such a better television show. I can’t fucking wait!

Questions for Friday.