This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #39

Happy Friday!

If you survived the T-4 (we don’t joke about T-5′s around here!) that hit the Tri-state area then Happy Friday. I heard some trees fell down, which tends to happen, but not often enough to stop an hour and half news coverage of it yesterday. I get it. A tree I have never seen before fell on a car that is owned by someone I don’t know who lives on a street in Park Slope, Brooklyn that I’ve never been to. It is a great tragedy for all of us. Hopefully, none of you were that lone soul in Park Slope with the new convertible roof from the suddenly animated inanimate tree.

The questions… oh the questions.

Movies and Jersey Shore.

I did see that article about how much money the Jersey Shore kids were getting. That’s been a big talk of discussion in and around this world for the past several months. That wedding I went to in July featured many conversations about what DJ Pauly D was making for a week of dj-ing gigs. I guess that’s more interesting than other stuff to talk about.

This is a picture of a possum I took last night. I hate the term “opossum” and I do not use. It’s a “possum”. It’s not an “olion” or an “obear”. It’s a possum. You don’t play “opossum”. You play possum because the fucking animal is a possum. At about 2am, I remembered I needed to make sure my car was parked on the correct side of the street, so my car wouldn’t get a ticket for blocking the street sweeper. I grabbed my keys and shoes and opened my front door. Staring back at me three feet in front of my face at eye level was that possum. My response was “holy shit!” The possum did not enjoy that and sort of growled at me. I closed the door. And then I reopened it to see if it was still there and it was. I ran inside and got my camera. Then the possum and I had a nice little photo shoot. It didn’t move and just sat there perched and gave me the “blue steel” equivalent a possum can give.

Anyway, let’s pretend this picture of this possum is a picture of Snooki. Both have the same sexual excitability factor for myself. I can see my Governor’s point that the Jersey Shore is not an excellent representative of New Jersey or at least is not the best representative of New Jersey the state could have — but honestly, WHO FUCKING CARES!?! People do not care about reason or sanity. The people who make fun of New Jersey (generally people who would fit in real nice in New Jersey) have little to no basis for it. There has been an overwhelming positive group of people that have come out of New Jersey that should have given people enough of a reason to flat out love New Jersey, but they don’t.

How long has Bruce Springsteen been making music? Does that stop people who say shit about New Jersey from saying shit about New Jersey? Nope. They still say it. What about Buzz Aldrin? He’s from New Jersey. The man walked on the fucking MOON! Frank Sinatra is beloved by most. Savion Glover, arguably the only living famous tap dancer I have ever known, is from New Jersey. Remember The Fugees? Remember Lauryn Hill? She’s from New Jersey. Joe Pesci is from New Jersey and how can one say they hate Joe Pesci? Why would you shit on the place that Joe Pesci is from? Jack Nicholson, Jon Stewart, Susan Sarandon and Bruce Willis all were raised in the Garden State of motherfucking Garden states! Lastly, every girl in this room has had a crush on Scott Wolf from Party of Five whether they want to admit it or not and he may have been born in Boston, but the dude was raised in New Jersey. This means that you all have had at least one (hundred, amirite?) sexual fantasies about a Jersey boy and that has to count for something.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_from_New_Jersey

The list is nearly endless.

So, I don’t really care about whether the Jersey Shore is the best representative of New Jersey or not. I think it shows you can have a good time getting drunk at the New Jersey shore, which I think most already know. Plus, as many people are well aware of, Sammi is the only person on the cast from New Jersey and the rest are from more Northern territories. And I would bet many more people would rather come to New Jersey to see the Jersey Shore cast than our budget slashing Governor’s fat white ass. They’re not playing him $20,000+ to show up to a bar.

MOVIES

I will end up seeing The Town. I most likely will not see The Town this weekend, but sooner than later and most likely by the end of next week I’ll have consumed it audibly, visually and mentally and spent a matinee price of a billion dollars on it. I really liked Gone Baby Gone which was Ben Affleck’s last foray into directing. I don’t think The Town will be as good as Gone Baby Gone. I wish Affleck had sat out of this movie and spent a nice a couple years just directing instead of acting. I think The Town will be a decent enough movie and probably be best as a rental, but I would be surprised if I disliked it entirely.

As far as the other movies in the world, I’m going to see the indy-reality-thriller or whatever Catfish this weekend. It seems interesting enough and very apropos in this world of internet relationships. It will seem even more apropos for me I feel with running this blog and conversing with people I’ve never met online. There is always that fear instilled from the early days in an AOL chat room that you think you are talking to some cute girl and in reality it is a beefy creeper dude.

I also want to see I’m Still Here the Joaquin Phoenix documentary. Since the first story broke of Joaquin growing out his hair and beard and starting a rap career and filming it – I don’t think there is a single human being who didn’t think this was all a joke. He was quitting acting to become a rapper and blah blah blah. It was all obviously a joke and no one bought it. And now, Casey Affleck is admitting that it wasn’t serious. Thanks Casey – NO SHIT! I feel like it’s that seen from Zoolander where Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are explaining to Christine Taylor that “Earth to” line is a joke and that they weren’t actually talking to aliens or a space station. Yeah, we fucking know. We never thought Joaquin Phoenix went off the deep end and was going to start a rap career. Nevertheless, I want to see the documentary. It has gotten good reviews and Joaquin Phoenix is a good actor, so why not.

Outside of those movies, I think we’re just sitting on our hands waiting for The Social Network to come out. Unless you like shitty horror movies because there are a million of them out there and continuously coming out.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

See you next week… hopefully there will be more participation.

This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #36

Well, hello there.

Continuing with previous posts’ themes that The Jersey Shore is the greatest television show on television – last night’s episode feature a brief look at next week’s episode and let’s just say….

CHICK FIGHT

Oh man! She is pissed! Seemingly, the alpha-female in the house J-Woww is challenged for the throne by Sammi Sweetheart. Now Sammi has never shown any previous fighting ability, but clearly all that latent power has stored up for one furious outburst. My educated guess is that Sammi continues to push inside the house about who wrote the “note” and she and everyone with half a brain (Ronnie) must know it was Snooki and J-Woww. I would also imagine that Sammi more or less gets back with Ronnie and J-Woww shows her displeasure in this. Anyway, there is heatedness in the Miami house, which turns into a confrontation when J-Woww gets into Sammi’s face. I will say this – Sammi is tall and the only person in the house from New Jersey, so J-Woww may have bit off more than she can chew.

From the preview, it appears that J-Woww pushes Sammi in the face, which unleashes immediately unleashes Sammi’s adrenaline. Her bitchy, I sleep all day and now I’m going to use all that reserve energy to kill a bitch, don’t mess with my hair extensions, I hate you already because I’m a woman and you have much bigger boobs than me, I am so angry all the time because I’m in love with a moron who cheats on me named Ronnie and I can’t hit him because he seems like the type who blacks out and could hit a woman and if he hit me he’d crush my skull – just anger comes out in this photo. Dawgz has said she looks like the stereotypical Disney witch in this picture. I, on the other hand, think she looks like a lioness and have never been more attracted to her than at this moment. Also, you can see slightly down her shirt.

Cocked and ready to fucking rock! This is not going to be some girl punch. This is going to be a real punch with velocity in it. Punching has a lot more to do with body movement than your arms and Sammi looks like she is throwing everything she has into that punch. Immediately, I have to say that any and all training J-Woww has had to be a fighter has been thrown out the window in this moment. Clearly, J-Woww should be shooting for the double leg takedown right now, but clearly isn’t. Snooki’s screaming and being caught in the middle is just magnifique – if that is how you spell that. Why is Snooki always in the middle of situations she really shouldn’t be in. If there is a single punch thrown in the zip code she is in then somehow she is right next to that punch. This picture also proves even further that Snooki is useless. She can’t even get in the middle properly to break up this situation. And speaking of, where the hell is the Situation? No where to be seen in these pictures. I’m thinking he is with the rest of the guys to the side just watching – which is exactly where they should be! They have been waiting for this cat fight longer than I have, so they’re not going to ruin it. Plus I think it should be perfectly clear to everyone that the Sitch is many things, but none of them are being a fighter.

BOOM! It looks like she got it! I fucking love it. I don’t think this is a knockout blow, but I would imagine this fight is broken up by that mysterious hand coming in from the left hand side of the screen a second later. I’m really interested to see what impact the punch had, but whether it did a lot or no damage – it looked like a well thrown punch on Sammi’s toughest opponent in the house, so she should be proud about that. Up until this moment on the show, I have continuously thought that Sammi is a worthless member of the house. In the first episode of the show she was ok, but since then it has been downhill. But now she is punching chicks and that is a valuable commodity for all television shows to have. I cannot wait for next week’s Jersey Shore. I’m already hedging my bets that they’ll show the punch with a minute remaining in the episode and we’ll have to wait another week for the fallout. Either way, who gives a fuck!?! The rest of last night’s episode was funny too. The scene with Vinny explaining to Ronnie about the note under his breath with hand signals. FUCKING GOLD! To begin with, Vinny snapping his fingers to get Ron’s attention was fucking priceless.

I was initially worried deep down in the recesses of my mind that the second season of the Jersey Shore wouldn’t be able to live up to the first season – well, it is doing a good job right now. A good fucking job.

Questions.

Have you seen Midnight Cowboy? If so, what did you think of it? If not, why not?

Yes, I have seen Midnight Cowboy. I’m a little disappointed that I do not get the answer “if not, why not” because I feel like that is either a philosophical explosion waiting to happen or a delve into the psyche of a man who has associated Midnight Cowboy with some trauma in their life that they have specifically made the point not to see it or the person could be lazy. Nevertheless, I have seen Midnight Cowboy. I thought it was pretty great and at the same time just OK. The acting was excellent and the scenes where something was happening in them were great, but if I feel like really answering your question and being critical the movie kind of just ends. Now all of a sudden they’re going to Florida and Dustin Hoffman’s dead. He wasn’t the healthiest man, but boom dead and boom credits. Kind of random. Also, you don’t see Dustin Hoffman for a decent stretch and then you’re back with him and he’s dead on a bus. I’m not sure what the point of his character was. There are people in New York City who are so poor that they just die from malnutrition or some unknown sickness and that is embodied by Dustin Hoffman? If I had to say, what I thought the point of the movie was then I guess I would say how daunting New York City is, but that wasn’t really what the movie was entirely about. Don’t get me wrong – it is a great movie. It has ties to a lot of indie movies where they are shot great, acted great, have some really interesting scenes, and if I had to say what the point of the movie was and did they give me a plot with an arc that made sense then I’d might hesitantly say “no”.

The one thing I found very surprising about the movie when I saw it for the first time was Dustin Hoffman’s famed “I’m walking here!” moment that people love to quote. It is literally a moment like a split second. I don’t think if I saw that movie in the theaters when it came out that I would have clung to that line as the most quotable line from the movie. Especially when there is a lot of great dialogue and moments during the party scenes and other scenes.

Will you please write a fictional post about the love connection that occurs when Bristol Palin and Mike “The Situation” share the dance floor?

This I could probably have fun with, but I don’t want to half ass it right this minute. So, if you could remind me, I’ll try writing this next week.

Lastly, will you and Dawgz be relocating to the Trump buliding in beautiful Jersey City?

Nope. Although Dawgz and I are relocating, it won’t be to there. The Dawgz and I will be separating soon. Him taking a step closer to legally bonding fidelity. And myself? Well, I’m not sure where I’m going. I need to make the decision sooner or later, hopefully something strikes out and makes my next move that more an obvious decision.

As for this weekend!?!

I think you all should watch the UFC 118: Penn vs. Edgar II. I know I will be. It will be the first UFC pay-per-view in awhile that I will be watching in the sanctity of my home, which I’m looking forward to.

Outside of that, I hope you all have a great weekend. I’ll see you next week.

They’re not from the Jersey Shore; they’re not at the Jersey Shore…

But the show is still called…

The Jersey Shore!

And I love it.

Today is Thursday aka Jueves aka Thursday, that means nothing else to me these days than a new episode of The Jersey Shore is on at 10pm (EST mofos aka “the correct time” aka I don’t have time to figure out what individual hours this show comes on for each one of y’all and your imaginary hour schemes). I have mentioned The Jersey Shore once I believe this season and, of course, that is just not enough. Besides being one of the most popular television shows out there, the characters from it are crossing every line of popculture decency with Snooki having a flirtatious relationship with Arizona Senator, former Presidential Republican nominee, plain old ass man John McCain.

Needless to say for the hundredth time, I love the damn show. Love it. I first became enthralled by the show before I even saw it. When I heard there was an MTV reality TV show being set in Seaside, NJ on the boardwalk I was already sold. I have experienced the wildness and the wilding that occurs during the summers at the bars in Seaside on the boardwalk and at the dance clubs a hundred feet off the boardwalk. It is just madness. But it is a fun type of madness because whether or not I dress or look or act like any of the other people frequenting these places of alcohol business and loud music everyone is there for a good time. By far most of the people there are not from the Seaside or the surrounding areas. These people traveled to Seaside to get drunk, dance and hit on slutty chicks who are also getting drunk and dancing. So, I loved the idea of the show to begin with, but the show sold me from the first moment one character in particular opened his mouth and gave us all a peak into the inner workings of his juiced up meat head mind:

BOOM! The Situation! Mike “The Situation”. Brilliant, just fucking brilliant. They have paid writers and directors and producers and consultants and thousands upon thousands of people in the entertainment industry to create a character half as good as “The Situation” and most have failed completely. Every episode of last season had some highlight or another from The Situation. That first episode of The Jersey Shore was hysterical and it was almost completely because of The Situation. Immediately, people were talking the next day about these people and through repetition and taking his shirt off every 2 seconds, The Situation was hands down the name everyone remembered the most.

Throughout last season and into the first few episodes of this season, people have gained a fondness for another character or for multiple characters, but it was The Situation who started and continues to make it happen. I’ve heard a lot of people say they are big fans of Vinny right now. Yeah, Vinny is great. I won’t deny that. But Vinny is a nice hidden gem b-side of an album you bought because you heard the hit single on the radio. The hit single is The Situation. You only know who Vinny is because of the attention grabbing nature that The Situation brought to this television show.

Because of all this, when I noticed that The Situation had a fan page of Facebook – I joined. That was awhile ago and this “friendship” or “like-ship” or whatever has paid off. The Situation has some hysterical Facebook updates sometimes with pictures, sometimes with videos, sometimes just musings from what has to be a brain nearly suffocated by tanning spray and hair spray fumes. Meanwhile, other The Jersey Shore cast members have pages as well, but they have no enthusiasm for them and are most likely run by some MTV or consultant intern. Snooki clearly runs her own twitter or however she communicates, but it is just idiotic ramblings. I don’t want to read her thoughts on Obama. The Situation isn’t talking about Obama unless he is inviting the President to a dance party he is hosting in DC. That is why The Situation is the best.

The Situation posts pictures – lots of them. Vinny has two pictures on his Facebook page. Two! The Situation has 101 pictures on his Wall. I’m not talking about profile pictures or separate galleries he posts (which he does) – I’m talking about Wall pictures. I’m talking about “here I just snapped this photo for you and thought you should see it immediately – SiTcH” out of the kindness of his heart Wall pictures! So, I grabbed some of my favorites including the picture above. Let’s talk about the pictures and my thoughts on The Jersey Shore.

Amazing. This is exactly why I hate umbrellas. There is no way you can look at this picture and not immediately think that The Situation looks like a sissy holding this umbrella. Holding an umbrella is about the least manly thing to do ever. Even when holding an umbrella for a woman is lame. There is no tough way to hold an umbrella. If you hold it by the handle you look like an ultra-sissy, if you hold it on the metal rod you look a little less sissy, but then you look like an idiot because there is a perfectly acceptable handle right below your hand. I blame Mary Poppins. I don’t know why she gets the brunt of the blame because she didn’t invent umbrellas, but there has never been a time when I’ve used an umbrella where I haven’t thought of Mary Poppins and how idiotic I feel holding an umbrella. And umbrellas are an imperfect piece of technology. Sure it protects you from the rain – if that rain is falling straight down – but it sure as hell cannot stand up to a single gust of wind. You could spend $1000 on an umbrella and if any wind with some mph in it comes through – your umbrella explodes.

HEY OH! Yeah, this is more like it. I would imagine this happens to The Situation about 3 times a week. Although, generally they are not famous or hot girls doing this…

Yes, that is Kristin Cavallari from Laguna Beach and The Hills fame. The other girl is one of Kristin’s friends who seemingly is the only one of her high school classmates that doesn’t have their own show on MTV. I absolutely love the fake-smile on DJ Pauly D’s face. I don’t want to sound like I only like The Situation. I am a big fan of every person on The Jersey Shore. Well, I’m not a big fan of Sammi, but she is brilliant in her own way. The way she has hypnotized that mini-hulk Ronnie is just spectacular. Angelina kinda sucks too, but she seems to be the promiscuous type and as a single male I have to respect that.

Yes! Yes! Yes! First of all, you didn’t think Kristin was the only member of the OC celebrity contingent who wants to hang out with The Situation? Brody Jenner, son. Bow wow, son. The title of this picture on Facebook is:

The Sitch – Bow wow – n Brody Jenner – Vegas Baby

I couldn’t have said it any better, Sitch. Where the hell in “Vegas Baby” is this? The three of them look blunted and well they look real blunted. I can almost understand The Situation hanging out with Bow Wow… almost – they’re both celebrities, right? I can understand Brody Jenner hanging out with The Situation because their “jobs” seem to be making appearances at bars. But I can’t understand them all being together at the same time and taking a picture together. And as blunted as they are, look how into the picture The Situation is. Bow Wow has been in the rap business for awhile, so being blunted and in front of people isn’t new to him. Brody looks wary of this whole operation. But Sitch doesn’t care. He could have a gun to his head and knife to his testicles and he’ll smile for the camera or make some “blue steel” face or point or do something because the man is fucking selling it every second of the day.

Wow, this does not look natural. Throwing a baseball is not something The Situation is used to do doing. But he looks like he is going for it though. His face is straining, his steroid arms are flexing.

This picture looks even more unnatural than the picture before. We have J-Woww, DJ Pauly D (of course), a 6’2″ blonde model in a sexualized World War I inspired swimsuit and bullet belt, “Iron” Mike Tyson,  Snooki, and The Situation. Even better is the stamp approved “LIFE” in the corner telling us that it was in fact the American institution Life Magazine that is responsible for capturing this truly wonderful moment. Thank you Life.

GLORIOUS! Fucking GLORE-EE-YUS! I would love to hear someone explain to me why this hasn’t been made into a buddy cop film. Did anyone see Cop Out? If you did then you made a mistake with your life. Did Kevin Smith really need to pay Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan to make a shitty buddy cop movie? Did whatever studio really need to pay Kevin Smith to make a shitty buddy cop movie? No. The answer is no. This right here is your buddy cop movie and no need for a script because these two can improv the whole film.

I have a theory that if you zoom out far enough on any pictures of Michael Jordan you will find Charles Oakley. I have a similar theory that if you zoom out far enough on any pictures of Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino you will find “DJ Pauly D” Paul DelVecchio. And for good fucking measure! Charles Oakley is Michael Jordan’s bodyguard and has been since they played together in Chicago many Moons ago. Pauly and Sitch have realized something a lot quicker than any of their castmates and that this is their shot at making it. Not only are they getting paid to have fun, but they can use this celebrity to create businesses around themselves. They try to stay positive on the show, they try to keep giving the cameras what they want and even more so why shouldn’t they? Seriously, Ronnie is missing out huge by being a complete moron on that show. He spends all his time either with boring ass Sammi or getting faced and looking like an idiot because of her. You can’t start a career with that. DJ Pauly D is an actual DJ and he is getting paid a lot nowadays to DJ because of this show. He is getting paid on the show, getting paid to do appearances because of the show, and his regular “job” being a DJ now costs people supposedly high 5 figures for a week of his “work”.

Snooki is trying to capitalize on this as well as J-Woww, but they’re not doing great jobs at it so far. They’re all making money on club appearances and pretty much all of them are starting clothing companies. Meanwhile, The Situation and Pauly were on Reebok commercials! That is a lot bigger deal than anything else the others have done.

Also, The Jersey Shore kids re-negotiated for more money, SUCCESSFULLY I might add, for the third and fourth season of the show. That is a great job by them. Supposedly, they are getting $40k an episode. That’s not millions of dollars, but that is a lot better than any critics would expect a bunch of dance club rejects to be making on a show that is about them being dance club rejects. The kids from The Real World are not making $40,000 an episode and for good reason.

I am only making an assumption on this, but I would credit this bump in pay to The Situation. I would be shocked if he wasn’t one of the founders of the idea they should get more money an episode and figure out how to do it. The guy is a natural salesman. And it also feeds straight into my idea that the roles of the characters in The Jersey Shore remind of the characters on Friends. Clearly, The Situation is Ross. Mike Sorrentino is David Schwimmer.

I have no idea what this collage of pictures is trying to tell us, but it is mesmerizing. The Situation, Snooki doing a hand spring and Rob Dyrdek dressed in an all white suit, bow tie and hat. I love it though. I’ve read that Snooki was a cheerleader in high school and that’s why she knows how to do these tumbling dance moves. Also, the difficulty has to be a higher with the leather pants and the Ugg boots. Also also, it appears that this is happening in the middle of the day outside somewhere.

Wow. I’ve learned so many things from looking at this picture. One – Lance Bass is taller than Pauly and Sitch or he has high heels on. As far as I know Lance Bass isn’t too tall so I’m far and away taller than Pauly who is the tallest person in The Jersey Shore house. Two – The Situation is always selling it. Always! Who knows why he is pretending to shoot the camera like a turn of the 90′s gangster from Boyz In Da Hood, but he is and thank you for it. Three – Jamie Lynn is one of those rare girls who is really hot and is completely oblivious to it. She dated Turtle! And she is hanging out with Lance Bass and Pauly and Sitch. I don’t think The Situation or Pauly hooked up with Kristin from The Hills and I’m not going to say they hooked up with Jamie Lynn, but I bet they had a pretty fucking good shot at hooking up with her over Kristin. She dated Turtle.

Oh man! Javon Walker. Wow. I have to mention him first because the next two images are so astounding that I’ll never get to Javon. Javon Walker is also a professional athlete. Nevertheless, that is Jason “Admitted taking steroids and still plays professional baseball for the Colorado Rockies” Giambi….. and for some unknown beautiful reason he is throwing up “the shocker”. I love it. Who knows!?! BUT I LOVE IT! Also, The Situation is shooting and killing us again. This seems to be his move. Got to love the intense stare on Giambi’s face. The Situation is hammered and having fun. Javon Walker looks sober, but amiable. And I truly believe given the opportunity or not, Giambi is going to try and “shock” you.

I hinted at it – The Situation is Ross. There are more people in The Jersey Shore house than Friends, so there is some double duty being done. The Situation is Ross because he is a stalwart and a leader. Pauly and Ronnie are sharing the role of Joey – muscle head Italians. Vinny is Chandler – witty remarks and Vinny even does impressions. As for the girls, J-Woww is Monica. Monica was Courtney Cox, right? Either way, she is tough and mouthy. Snooki is Phoebe – always good for a laugh and is just living on a different planet mentally. And lastly, Angelina and Sammi are both trying to be Jennifer Aniston and failing miserably at it.

At this point, you’re probably thinking – “Ok, I get it. These pictures are funny. You are really funny, but how much longer can this go on for? It’s been 2500 words about this jackass from that stupid show and…

YES! YES! THE WORDS! I cannot find the words to describe this picture! FUCK this picture is amazing! I love America! What in the hell is going on in this picture? I have no idea, but it is so beautiful.

From left to right -

Snooki, Snooki almost being groped and kind of being into it, New York City’s Jew Billionaire Former Republican Current Mayor Mike Bloomberg in a tuxedo, The Situation shirtless with a tie and sun glasses drunk, and some space hippie chick from the 70′s who time traveled to this exact point in the universe to complete the most random picture ever. What event could they all have been at that this would ever happen? Oh man, but thank you Jesus and all the multi-armed Hindi Gods for this one. Whew, that is just brilliant.

In conclusion, The Jersey Shore rules – The Situation is the backbone of its brilliance – friend him on Facebook because it is a gift that just keeps on giving.

Step 1: Get Young People, Step 2: Put Them In A House

Tonight is not just like every other night. Tonight we will eat leaven bread not like every other night. Some nights we do not eat leaven bread because we choose to eat crackers. I prefer Ritz, but Saltines are perfectly acceptable. Club crackers, which many forget even exist until one mentions them are also a fine substitute. Crackers are not leaven bread and we may eat them. Crackers are not leaven bread, right? They don’t look “leaven”. Crackers are a little more than paper thick, instead of big breasted loaf of bread. I’ve been reading a lot of Tom Wolfe and he loves describing big rolling hilly lawns as being big breasted. A loaf of potato bread would be a full C cup and a cracker would be a training bra amount of “leaven”.

Someone is ringing my doorbell* — I’ll be right back…

… I’m back.

That was the Jehova’s Witnesses. Not all of them. Just two well dressed women. They were very nice and I to them. Their first question was about how bad the world has gotten with the wars and earthquakes and hurricanes and such, so “do you think God has left us?” My response “No”. She responded, “Why?” And I answered, “I don’t think God can leave us.” Then she explained about their literature and gave me a pamphlet. We had a nice goodbye and now I’m back.

Let me say this, the world is not all that bad. It was worse before. If God would/could leave us, it probably already happened during the times of open slavery in America, the Holocaust, conquistadors killing everything they saw from Mexico through the southern most tip of South America, the atomic bombings of Japan, the endless bloodshed in God’s name of the Crusades… There have been some bad times in this world and if God didn’t leave us then God isn’t leaving us now. Also, God is the omnipresent, omnipotent and infinite – I’m not sure where God could go or even have the ability to go. I don’t think “infinite” is something that can just pack up its bags and leave. Anyway…

These are better times! Much better times! Case in point -

JERSEY SHORE’S SECOND SEASON STARTS TONIGHT!!!!!!!!

YES! THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD AND THE ALMIGHTY HAS SHOWN US THE GLORY! THE SHINING TANNED GLORY OF THE JERSEY SHORE! AHHH I FEEL IT LORD! I FEEL IT ETERNAL! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THE SITUATION AND DJ PAULY D BACK IN ACTION AT THE CLUBS! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND GUIDOS! HALLELUJAH!

So, I’m psyched. What I wasn’t psyched about last night was being given dubious hope that the Jersey Shore was on last night and it was not. What was on MTV instead of Jersey Shore? The Real World. HAHAHAH… Did anyone even know that they were still making this show? I didn’t. How are they still making this show? That used to be the only reality show on MTV, but now they have a million, so why is it still around? Who fucking knows? Did I watch a minute or two and go to the website? You bet your sweet ass I did. Am I going to write about that? You should keep betting on that same sweet ass I just said you had I will.

Real World XXIV: Back to New Orleans… ahahahahahahahahahah! “Back to New Orleans”? Either MTV has made so many Real Worlds that they have ran out of different major cities to have the show or they think filming a season of the Real World in New Orleans is somehow going to help those people get over Katrina or Rita or the shitty John Goodman ending in Treme. So, it’s another season of Real World where they take a bunch of young people from different parts of the country and different beliefs or whatever and stick them in a house. But there is a big twist this season – see if you can spot it:

Here we go…

This is Knight. Yes, Knight. And here is a picture of him taking off his pants slightly. What the fuck? Why is this an appropriate “cast bio” picture? Every season of the Real World has the cornfed All American good looking white boy. This season does not! AHAHAH… who the fuck is this guy!?! Knight!?! What the fuck kind of name is Knight? And he isn’t even good looking. Well, he’s alright, but I mean he is big step down in the looks department. He’s a copy of a copy of a copy to the point the color has lost its luster and everything is flat looking and faded. Let me take a look at his bio – maybe he’s more than just a completely average set of superficial looks. Hmmmm… he played hockey, goes to ASU, got hurt and now he doesn’t play hockey anymore. BORING! Fuck! Hockey!?! Who would’ve guessed ASU had a hockey team? Why are people in Arizona playing hockey? Either way, that is old news because he doesn’t even play hockey. MTV couldn’t find a better looking white guy than this? I find this deplorable.

This is Jemmye and Eric. Bleh. There were two reasons why the Real World existed:

1. There was a time when no one from different races or ethnicity or sexual orientation lived together. That had never happened before. All white people lived with all other white people. All black people lived with black people. And it was MTV who changed that forever by making the Real World. MTV integrated society! But nowadays everyone is just living with everyone. Blacks and whites. Hispanics and Asians. Gays and straights. One white guy from north New Jersey is living with a white guy from south New Jersey in Jersey City and that wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for MTV.

2. Beautiful people. You got to see a bunch of good looking people living together. Young good looking people. Young good looking people getting drunk and hooking up with each other the only way good looking people know how to.

Nowadays, seeing a black guy living with a white guy or a white girl or a Mexican or a Mexi-can’t or whatever is not that interesting. That is just not a draw anymore, so the #1 reason to watch the show has been null and void for years now. All we’re left with is #2 – young hot people getting drunk and hooking up.

Well, they’re young. And they do get drunk and hook up. But “hot”? What happened!?! Can MTV not find hot people anymore. These kids are all acceptably attractive, but no more than any other person walking on the street. Maybe not the Lizard Man who walks the street. But outside of the Lizard Man, you wouldn’t do a double take on any of these people. So they’re not getting anyone to tune because of their looks. Maybe these people are more interesting than Knight was.

From Jemmye’s cast bio “She enjoys casual sex with no commitment, and she has a preference for black men” – seriously? Who doesn’t? That sentence could describe 95% of America minus the Lizard Man. The Lizard man likes LIZARDS! Anyway, so Jemmye is a big slut and she isn’t hooking up with the black guy. She is actually messing around with Knight. What? I know! Knight doesn’t have a black penis. Speaking of, Eric is a struggling comedian. BORING. NEXT! Sahar grew up in Dearborn, Michig…. zzzzz…. zzzzz… and Ashlee is going to New Orleans to either pursue her “dream” to be a sideline sports reporter or get unsafe drunk in Nawlins. Take a fucking wild guess which one happens.

Urkel! Steve Urkel is on the Real World! I did not see that coming. His name is actually Preston and he has a sob story for a life. His mom is/was a crack addict and abandoned him at 17. I’m not sure that makes Preston interesting. It makes him mom interesting, but I’m not sure about Preston. Next season of the Real World should feature Preston’s mom, God willing. The blonde is McKenzie who is a 21 year old college chick from UCF. So, there’s that. She’s cute. *shrugs* That’s really all I got on her. She’s not a stripper or a racist or anything as far as I can tell, so I’m bored still.

The gay guy. Great. He has a bleach blonde emo hair cut straight out of 2000. And stereotypically he is “outrageous”. He likes to chase his roommates around naked and he has a “fascination with cold ears” and he is “bizarre”. Fuck this guy sucks. Ryan is the lamest gay guy ever. Where are the cocaine orgies? You’re on TV, dude! Get nuts! Like nuts crazy and nuts as in guys’ nuts. You’re not going to attract a real gay guy with some “fascination with cold ears”. If someone is writing a biography about you and the third thing they mention about you as a human being is your “fascination with cold ears” you do not deserve to be on television. Worst gay guy ever.

So, Real World sucks.

The cast of the Jersey Shore:

GLORIOUS! They’re all golden orange tan, the chicks all have huge fake breasts (minus Sammi, but I’ll let her pass), they wear little to no clothes, they’re constantly hooking up with each other, the guys are shredded with muscles, Ronnie punches people in the face, they all look absolutely ridiculous and they’re complete fame whores. Such a better television show. I can’t fucking wait!

Questions for Friday.

This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #15

What a wonderful week it has been. I ended last week with a list of 60 plus year old men that I believe women of all ages would sleep with. Monday I wrote a little about the greatness of Martin Luther King Jr. Tuesday I wrote about something probably. Wednesday was something else I’m guessing. And I definitely remember writing yesterday about an amusing topic. Why is it so difficult for me to remember what I’ve written about? Oh right. Yesterday was “Tik Tok”, Wednesday was the Rorschach inkblot test and Tuesday was wrap-up of the 3 day weekend. It doesn’t seem like any time passed for you, but it was a solid couple minutes for me. My weeks feel so drawn out that it does take me a minute or two to remember what I did during them.

Today, is the regularly scheduled weekly wrap-up. You the commenters have submitted questions and I will answer several of them. So here we go:

How could you make this list and NOT include Jack Nicholson (72), the consummate ladies’ man of several generations who is also FROM NEW JERSEY? Also, Buzz Aldrin, who will be 80 on the 20th and Neil Armstrong?

Which is similar to this…

I’m curious about how you came up with this list, though. Did you find a website of old actor pictures? Or were you two girls able to come up with a list of 50 old bangable men, you know, off the top of your heads?

First and foremost, we are not “girls”. We are “ladies”. Anyway, Dawgz and I thought of the list without any help from other websites minus Wikipedia, IMDB and Google Images. Wiki/IMDB helped with finding ages and whatever these men were doing currently. Google Images helped with finding “images” – who would’ve guessed? The list started when I pointed out in the comments section that actor, knight, war hero Christopher Lee at 88 years old should still be considered a sexually viable candidate. When I got home, I mentioned this to Dawgz that women were having trouble thinking of older men who they would fuck.

Dawgz and I began discussing this while watching Cheers re-runs. And immediately, Sam Malone aka Ted Danson is over 60 and women would fuck him. At this point the magic number of 60 was decided on and we started naming 60 year old men that we believe women would still get banged by. Around the fifth guy we named, I started writing them down. Around the 14^th we started debating. One of us would throw out a name and the other wouldn’t be completely sold on him. Let’s use Jack Nicholson as an example. Jack looks pretty wild nowadays, he is crazy and getting crazier, and we don’t know how much he could really sweet talk a lady anymore.

Our candidates for men over 60 years old who women would fuck needed to pass a hypothetical scenario in our heads. Could Jack Nicholson pick up chicks at a bar? Outside of the “star fucking” idea or him having money to pay for it or anything – do we think women are really actively going after Jack Nicholson? We didn’t think so. Let’s say Jack Nicholson was at a bar or a party, would he be treated more like Leonardo DiCaprio or more like Donald Trump. Is he just a celebrity people want to meet and get a facebook picture with or is some lady going to try and fuck him in the bathroom and by “some lady” I mean a large percentage of the women at the party.

That is how we were approaching it. I think women want to meet Donald and Jack and I guess Buzz and Neil – but I do not think a large percentage of the female population is trying to get a hold of their wangers. That’s just my impression. I could be wrong and if so then put them on the list. I’m completely open to putting more 60 plus year old men on the list that women would fuck. To me the list is an organic list that can certainly be added to. And as mentioned, I really don’t care if women wouldn’t make sweet passionate love to 49 of the 50 wrinkly assed men on this list – but if you are willing to do one of these 60 plus year old men then you’ve proved my point.

Also, we spent quite a lot of time debating this list. Patrick Stewart was debated. Dawgz stuck to him being too bald. Like offensively bald. And that was a detractor for him. I thought he would’ve been fine on the list. But the list needed a consensus from the two of us.

Also also, Mitt Romney. Money, successful, handsome, full head of hair, nice teeth, celebrity, not a wild conservative by any stretch – I think he could bang some chicks in a coat room or eight.

Also, also, also, there should be a lot more love for Julio Iglesias. That man is an old ass diamond in the old ass ruff. Still good looking, tan, has money, successful, stress free lifestyle, Latin obviously, and he can sing and dance. I feel like women are overlooking Julio Iglesias and I don’t care for that. No one puts Julio Iglesias in the corner! NO ONE!

Baby bjorn?

I knew what a baby bjorn was. Why? I know shit, that’s why.

Kesha? Ke$ha?

Her mother was a singer and song writer, Kesha is her real name, and Ke$ha is supposed to be a joke about her singing on “Right Round”, but not getting paid any money to do so.

What sort of plot/scenarios do you think will be in the Jersey Shore porno? Will it be a porno of folks not from NJ, who like to call themselves guidos and guidettes just doing it? Or will they re-enact certain scenarios from the actual show?

Sadly, I did not work on the Jersey Shore inspired porno in any capacity. I’m furiously sad. I’m guessing it will partially re-enact certain scenarios from the show. Clearly, they have tried to dress most of the actors to look like the characters. The guys who are playing Ronnie, Pauly D and The Situation do not look that bad. The Pauly D guy is real tan with the blowout haircut and has tattoos. The Situation has a six pack. Ronnie is a roided up dude. Vinny is a little off because the guy “Johnny Castle” is way more in shape than Vinny. The girls? One of them is clearly dressed to be Snooki. And I think Dylan Ryder is a lot hotter than all the Jersey Shore girls easily. The porn industry actually has a great sense of humor so I’m sure they’ll mimic some of the storylines from the show – hot tub, I bet Pauly D and the Situation are involved in some gang bang, Ronnie and Sammi and maybe the Situation et cetera. The Nailin’ Pailn videos were funny, so I would guess these will be as well.

I am depressed now that the Jersey Shore is over. Last night was the final episode as well as the reunion. The reunion was great with Ronnie flipping out on Sammi for something he easily had to have known about since it happened. He has emotional issues, severe emotional issues. There are rumors of both a Snooki dating show and a second season of the Jersey Shore. What I would like to see is the second season have a whole new cast. Blasphemy? No. Because I would like to see Snooki, The Situation, and Pauly D all have their own dating shows. If Ronnie and Sammi stay together then I want a Nick & Jessica like TV show for them. J-Woww – I want to see an action/adventure/mystery television series featuring her. And lastly, I would like to see Vinny do a guest spot on each of the others’ shows every week. So from the Jersey Shore, I would like to see a second season with new characters and 5 additional shows. As for the short lived Angelina – well if she started doing porn I would be cool with that. Outside of that, I really wouldn’t mind if she disappeared into the wilderness of Staten Island forever.

And the best parts of the last episode were: Sammi claiming that Ronnie getting into fights on the boardwalk was like the ongoing war in the streets of Israel (UNBELIEVABLE!), and J-Woww calling guys “gorillas” and “juiceheads” and meaning it as a compliment. I love that stupid show.

Can you graph your hairiness in relation to your’s nemesis’ hairiness?

Sure.

Well that should say – Robin Williams, me, Annoying Girl Not from NYC, and a monkey. You get it. It’s funny. Laugh a little.

Why do I not have _______ web features?

I do not know how to run a website. I never said I did. I’ll try to look up an “archive” feature or whatever. If it is even slightly difficult to do then I’m not going to attempt it. Sorry.

American fast food?

Well, I have never been to Australia, so I do not know what fast food chains you have down there to help make your fast food experience in the US more unique. I don’t like Burger King. I like McDonald’s and Wendy’s and KFC although I do try my best to never eat any of them. There is a McDonald’s in the Jersey City Newport Mall which I’ve found myself at more times than I would like late at night when coming back from New York City. Good fast food places? Most unique and good fast food places I can think of are in Los Angeles like In N Out Burger as mentioned in the great Big Lebowski movie which I do love. I’m guessing NY has to have a Five Guys burger place. They’re sprouting up all over Jersey. Besides sounding like a porn title, they do have good burgers. I feel like if you’re in NYC you shouldn’t be hitting up fast food places and should just go straight to hole in the wall restaurants.

I’d suggest getting pizza. New York and New Jersey have about the best pizza you can find, so I would make sure to get a lot of that over the next few months. Bagels are a must as well. Go to any one of the many Gray’s Papayas in NYC for a hot dog or three. There is great Chinese food in NYC, so go for that. New York City has a billion restaurants and fast food may be cheaper, but there are some great cheap restaurants in the city preparing any sort of food. There are almost too many places in New York City to eat that I don’t really know where to point you to. But I need to make at least one suggestion. The Olive Tree Café in Greenwich Village is a nice restaurant and it also has The Comedy Cellar downstairs where a lot of great comedians do stand-up. So that’s a suggestion.

Parenting questions for KSWI Jordan

I saw a parenting question thrown into the mix. I like this because I don’t have kids nor do I have any experience in raising children in the least. I’ve never really ever baby sat and I’m the youngest in my family so I didn’t have a little brother or sister to torture errr raise. I think I would like to have kids in the future (distant future) and I hope I treat them as I treat foreigners who don’t speak English well – I will treat them like adults who may shatter if bumped into a wall. I will talk loud and slowly and usually act out my dialogue to them as I talk, but never hinder my own vocabulary that they clearly do not understand. Also I’ll dress my children in t-shirts that I wish I wasn’t so cynical about to wear. Meaning they will be dressed almost at all times in band t-shirts from the 80’s like The Smiths, The Pixies, Black Flag and Minor Threat.

Ladies? Half a dozen years from now? Deal? Also I get to pick what movies the kid watches. And he’s learning the guitar. And he is going to at least be a field goal kicker in the NFL.  

Where is the decent music?

There is decent music everywhere… except on MTV. No one should ever look to commercial radio or television to help them with expanding their music collection. Even in the golden days of MTV, they played more shit than good music. We like to trick ourselves into thinking at one point it was all Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, and Soundgarden, but it wasn’t. Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson were also huge during those periods of time. Seriously, there was a time when Weird Al Yankovic was on TV all the time for years during the 90’s. Cherry Popping Daddies probably got more airplay in 1997 and ’98 than most good bands.

There will always be bad pop music outweighing any great music out there in the world. And this LIE, this COMPLETE MYTH, that people in the 60’s and 70’s all sat around listening to The Rolling Stones together and everyone could recite the lyrics to every Bob Dylan b-side, well it is a LIE. That was never the case. There has never been a time period in history where only good music existed and bad music wasn’t played on the radio just as often if not more often than any good music that sneaked through. Rolling Stone magazine tries to pretend like they know music or they were on the cusp of knowing good music always, but they haven’t been. In retrospect, more people now understand what good music happened in the 60’s and 70’s than the people who lived in the 60’s and 70’s did when it was happening.

Same will be said of this time and age. For Christ’s sake people are putting “Crazy in Love” by Beyonce is in the top 5 best songs of last decade! People have no critical analysis of current times. There is amazing music everywhere. This past year, I believe The Flaming Lips released their best album to date, which is saying a lot considering they have been making excellent albums for a number of years and that number to me is 11 with their 1999 album Soft Bulletin. Also, Animal Collective released a hugely acclaimed and successful album. And Pearl Jam released a great album, which was seemingly a shock to everyone including myself. Phoenix’s album from last year was probably my second favorite album behind The Flaming Lips’. As for other great albums from last year, I really loved the Japandroids, Bat for Lashes, and Bear in Heaven. And Wilco even slapped together a better than decent album for free last year. And there are definitely others.

I don’t think Pitchfork is the end all, but they are about as close as one can be. If you’re looking for good music then they are pretty great. They will at least give you the names of the albums and now that they are synched with the website La La one can listen to the album streaming over the internet for free and make their own decision. Pitchfork does most genres of music well minus really aggressive music like hardcore and metal. They also suck at rap music as well. But that’s the one exception to the thought that there is no good music out there.

THERE IS NO GOOD REAL RAP MUSIC!

It is disturbing I know, but the one genre of music that has fallen by the wayside is rap music. Rap/hip-hop has turned into pop music. Rap music nowadays is nothing more than pop music with rappers in it. There are a couple rap albums that come out of every year that are good, but that 1% of the CDs that are released that is good is being suffocated to death by the 99% of rap music that is just pure commercial club music. I’m not saying I don’t find Jay Z’s “New York, New York” or whatever single with Alicia Keys catchy, but it is not rap music. That is pop music. Rap music was at one time more about rapping than about a catchy beat to dance to and a songbird chorus that repeats every 5 seconds.

I have nothing against some of the “rap” artists out there who make good listenable music, but for the most part they are just pop acts. Rap was supposed to be grimy. Rap was supposed to be the black equivalent of punk music. It was a DYI genre where people were expressing their anger. Nowadays, even the angry rap songs are happy or at least upbeat. I do like T.I., Lupe Fiasco, Kanye West, Lil’ Wayne et cetera, but if I were to name my favorite “rappers” of all time – I wouldn’t name any of them. I do think Kanye’s first album is tremendous though and regardless of the other bullshit he’s done, that album is great. Anyway, rap music has lost its teeth and learned to dance. They’ve become lovers and not fighters. It would be more palatable if it wasn’t the case for by far the majority of them. …

This year – Spoon, Broken Social Scene, Radiohead are all scheduled to come out with albums. You want good music – they are good music. And maybe Jack White will slap something together as well.

How will the recent revelation of John Edwards’ fathering his mistress’s child change the future Democratic landscape?

I doubt it will do anything. I don’t think anyone cares about John Edwards anymore.

Questions? Have you seen that Philip Seymour Hoffman movie which seems to be about him dying, and taking 2 decades to put on a musical? Wtf is that movie about? I am baffled.

Synecdoche. No I have not seen it. It is on my Netflix list. Mysteriously it keeps getting skipped and getting pushed down the list. The mystery is my hands clicking the mouse to make that happen. I will eventually see it. I like Charlie Kauffman a lot as well as PSH, but I heard the movie is so-so and depressing. So I haven’t been dying to see it yet.

Hmmmmmm………… well have a great weekend everyone. I am eagerly waiting for Sunday as if it was Christmas. I want to watch these football games so bad.  

A friend just sent me this -

“Manning is so classy that whenever an NFL legend retires, he sends the player a handwritten letter describing what he meant to the game. Last year he had Favre’s note written but never sent it.” – Adam Schefter ESPN

I love football so much I may have just cried a little reading that quote.

This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #14

Well, well. It has been quite the week of schizophrenia for me. Monday started off fairly normally with a recap of my weekend and observational humor for the situations I found myself in. Tuesday got a little weird, but typical weird for this site. A conversation between three people who do not really exist except for inside my head: Rabbi Ebenezer Goldstein, Dr. Aladdin Hussain and, of course, KSWI Jordan. They began a discussion on the history of and current Middle East crisis. This discussion was quickly derailed by Ashley Greene’s nude body paint pictures, typical very typical.

Wednesday was a revamped version of Tuesday’s post with the addition of these characters being stoned. They continued to talk openly about Ashley Greene, her body paint, and their willingness to paint Ms. Greene next time with their respective tongues. The topic grew to embrace all sorts of Hispanic women Latin women that the three would like to eat various Hispanic and Latin foods off of their naked bodies. Lastly, the post was marked by the introduction of a fourth character: Dominos Pizza delivery driver, Sancho.

This is where things got a little too weird for the “general public” to handle. On Thursday, our four KSWI hosts shared which older women they would have sex with. It started with the 60 year old Meryl Streep. Others were mentioned like Susan Sarandon and Helen Mirren. Each woman was over 60 years old minus Jeanne Tripplehorn who was more or less used as a foil by Dr. Hussain, Rabbi Goldstein and Sancho to rekindle their list of women over 60 years old they would sleep with. All of this appears to have been too much for America and, maybe, the World. I believe the nail in the coffin was “How Old Would You Go?”

That is why I have decided to take it one enormously old step further. I was expecting the commenters to be more honest than they were or at least more creative. The idea that the oldest men you could think of as a one time sexual partner was George Clooney, Johnny Depp and whatever was bland and boring. There is no creativity in me saying Michelle Pfeiffer. Sure, everyone would have sex with her. That’s just obvious. How old would you really go? So above this post there is a list. If you are one of the readers who reads this literally the second I post then it isn’t there yet, but will be. Nevertheless, most will see a list. The list will be explained in its own post, but there will be a list. This list is 50 men who are all over 60 years old that I believe women would have sex with. Thank you? You’re welcome.

The Questions of the Week

Have you seen Youth in Revolt?

No.

Next question. Just kidding.

I do want to see Youth in Revolt, but between getting called racist, meeting with old friends, seeing a band and football I never made it to a movie theater last weekend. I am planning on seeing it at some point this weekend or sometime soon. I also wouldn’t mind seeing Book of Eli. One main reason is that I’ve seen just about every Denzel Washington movie he’s been in, so why stop now. I’ve heard the movie is “meh” and I’m fine with that. I think it looks pretty bad. Mila Kunis is hot and she is in it. Gary Oldman can be excellent. He is one of my favorite villains of all time in The Professional aka Leon as Norman Stansfield – “Bring me everyone” “Everyone, boss?” “EVVVVERRRRYYYY OOONNNNNEEEEE!!!!”

I read somewhere (IMDB?) that Kristen Stewart was offered the role that Mila Kunis is playing. I also read that they had to change much of the script because Kristen Stewart was not in the movie. Originally, the book was not the “weapon”. The book was a red herring that was cleverly thought up by Denzel. Instead the weapon was Kristen Stewart. That was the big end of the 2^nd act twist. Denzel is trying to protect Kristen Stewart because she has the power to create and end life. I’m not referring to getting pregnant and shivving someone. I’m referring to the fact that Kristen Stewart wants it so bad she can not only create high concentrations of Hydrogen atoms (H3) that can lead to the creation of new life like the big bang. Kristen Stewart also wants it so bad she can not only bring atoms together, but she can split them with her want causing nuclear explosions. All of that had to be scrapped and that is why this movie will be sub par.

Can Kristen Stewart’s want weapon be used for neutrality, love or good?

Generally, I associate Kristen Stewart’s want abilities with good. I rarely mention her destroying anything for bad reasons. It was not I who asked if Kristen Stewart could have blown up Japan better than the two atomic bombs that were dropped on that unfortunate tentacle porn loving island. I was only answering the question. I have definitely mentioned Kristen’s wall of fire of want or heat beat of want actually fixing situations like defeating aliens or robots or zombies. The destructive power of Kristen Stewart’s want I believe is similar to the Colt 45 revolver “The Peacemaker”.

I am certain I have also talked plenty that Kristen Stewart can reshape the world as she sees fit (like above) when she really really wants it. So… yeah. I’ve talked about it.

If I was host of The Tonight Show would I interview Jimmy Carr on the first night?

Uhhhhhhhhhhh…. Why?

Nothing against Jimmy Carr… eh, well everything against Jimmy Carr – I would only interview him if I needed to. He’s funny, but the moment of relevance Jimmy Carr had in the US has pretty much completely ended. Jimmy was the host of one game show which I’m forgetting the name of on Comedy Central. I feel like he may have had a second show, but I’m blanking on that as well. He had at least one stand-up specials for Comedy Central. And with all that “knowledge” I have on him, I still needed to look him up on google just to make sure I wasn’t thinking he was someone else. He is pretty funny, but he is utterly and completely pop-culturally irrelevant in the US of A, so I doubt I would interview him the first night. Unless that is apart of the deal. I would interview anyone NBC wanted me to if they gave me The Tonight Show. Also, I’m so much cheaper than Conan or Jay Leno. I know both of them cost millions where as I would cost significantly less than a million dollars to host that show. Think of all the savings!

Who would I interview on my first show? That’s a good question, me. I can say for a fact I would selfishly use the show as a way for me to meet the famous people I want to meet. That being said, Michael Jeffrey Jordan would probably be my first guest. The first episode of The Tonight Show with Jordan would most likely feature this line-up of guests: Michael Jeffrey Jordan, Bo Jackson, Fleetwood Mac and whichever of these women are single or in an “open relationship”: Elisha Cuthbert, Scarlett Johansson, Bar Rafaeli and too many more to mention.

I could easily imagine an entire episode dedicated to Gina Carano and me shamelessly throwing myself at her the whole time.

I have a lot of ideas for the show as well. I think I could try and reform bands that broke up for one more performance. I could form new super groups to play a random cover song ala Jimmy Page, The Edge and Jack White playing “The Weight” by The Band for the movie It Might Get Loud. I would also like to do shows completely dedicated to one guest like the Gina Carano idea, but less shameless hitting on. Like an entire episode with the cast of The A-Team movie. We would talk per usual, we would try and complete tasks together as a team, the A-Team from the movie would face off against the remaining members of the A-Team from the television show in some sort of mission and, maybe, they compete against some other teams like The Mod Squad.

There would also be a lot of skits about Kristen Stewart and Peyton Manning, obviously.

Which Big Love wife WOULD you bang first?

I think they are all very attractive, but I would choose Ginnifer Goodwin first and/or Margene first. In real life I would choose Ginnifer Goodwin first and if I somehow I broke into the television alternate universe I would choose Margene. I would eliminate Barb/Jeanne from the equation first because of the age disparity. Sorry. I know she is probably very torn up about that. Second, Chloe Sevigny in real life would be eliminated because of Brown Bunny. Nowadays, Chloe looks fucking great. But I’ve seen her suck Vincent Gallo off and that just ruins it sort of. Why is that so bad? 1. It’s Vincent Gallo – the guy looks like a scumbag, acts like one, anti-semite, seemingly has homophobic issues as well and the worst of the worst is he thinks he is a great artist. 2. Brown Bunny!?! Out of all the piece of shit movies to decide to blow a guy for real for this might be the worst. I have literally seen porn movies with better storylines, acting, and dialogue than Brown Bunny. Oh my God that movie sucks.

Also, I would like to mention this about Brown Bunny. When it first played some festival (Sundance? Cannes?), Roger Ebert saw it. He hated it. This was the correct response. Vincent Gallo is a whiny bitch and he went on and on about how Roger Ebert is an idiot and fat. He targeted the man’s weight. Fat or thin, that movie sucks. Then Roger Ebert saw the movie a second time – Why? What on Earth is there to see a second time? NOTHING HAPPENS! Oh man, I really need to see another 5 minute shot of Vincent Gallo driving on the highway. So he saw a different edited version of the movie and this time Ebert gave it a positive review. I didn’t think Roger Ebert was a fat idiot before he gave Brown Bunny a positive review, but he is now a fat idiot for giving the movie a positive review. Ugh, fuck that movie.

Anyway, Chloe is eliminated because of Brown Bunny. On the show, Nicki is a headache. A big big headache. And that leaves, Ginnifer/Margene. I’m a big fan of Ginnifer and her complete and total innocent looking cherubic smile. She’s also hot. And wants it. Margene seems to have the best personality. And I don’t remember seeing Ginnifer blow any anit-semites on video, so that’s a bonus. That being said if Chloe Sevigny is reading this blog and making a decision on whether or not she should contact me then PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CONTACT ME! If a hypothetical situation where I can only choose one in an ideal setting my analytically trained BA in Philosophy brain makes me choose the female who fits into this criteria of best looking, fun and didn’t orally please a known anti-semite in a movie that involved infinitely more sucking than the actual blowjob itself. But I would really like to meet you Chloe. But if it was a choice between only Ginnifer or only Chloe then I’d choose Ginnifer. Again, I’m sure Chloe is real broken up about this.

What do you think Conan is going to do know that he basically was forced out his job?

He’ll probably end up doing another tonight show formatted show. Over the past decade, no one even comes close to Conan O’Brien and his brilliance in the late night game. I love Letterman, but his show did not keep up with the pace and hilarity of Conan’s former 12:30 show. Jon Stewart was amazing this last decade as well. But Jon is only doing a half hour compared to an hour and he only does it 4 times a week. Also, Jon phones in the interviews a lot as well as he handpicks guests more than Conan. Jon can have an intellectually stimulating conversation with an intellectually stimulating author, scientist, reporter and so on. Meanwhile, Conan every night had to make shitty sitcom actors or the cast of Crossing Jordan seem not only funny, but worth the time and effort to watch whatever stupid show or movie they were peddling.

Listen, I don’t know Jason Priestly. I think there may have been confusion over whether I knew him or not, I don’t. I don’t know if in real life Jason could be a very funny man. What I do know is that every time he appeared on Conan’s show last decade (which I would say was over half a dozen times) I laughed until I cried. And I think Conan should get all the credit. I don’t know how you would phrase this to find it on youtube if it even was up there, but Conan did an interview with Jason Priestly where Jason was selling rubber backs for combination locks. Remember the good ole’ Master Lock combination lock, well Jason was selling a rubber grip that went around them so they wouldn’t scratch the locker the lock was on. Terribly dumb idea. Nevertheless, Conan somehow made that story the funniest thing ever. I don’t think Dave, Jon, Stephen, Jay, Jimmy (Kimmel), Craig (Kilborn), Craig (Ferguson), Jimmy (Fallon) and whoever else I’m forgetting would have made that interview that funny.

Lastly,

I saw a mention of Local H in my comments section. First and foremost, the commenter who did mention this is far too young to know Local H. What I mean by that is Local H should have definitely been lost in the shuffle of time. But she did say that Local H plays near her so I guess that explains it. Anyway, I did like Local H and the song “Bound to the Floor”. Just reading that band’s name made me think of another band of that time frame and I leave you with “Super Bon Bon” by Soul Coughing.

I hope you all have a great weekend. I hope you all enjoy the list that is sure to follow sooner than later.