August 3, 2010
“Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred”
Marriage quotes – they’re hysterical!
Hello world! I am not hungover anymore. I am tired. I slept like 10 hours last night, but I feel like I could easily go back to sleep for another 8. But I can’t. Why? You. You and your menacing passive aggressive digital stares. And because I have to move my car. FUCK! When I post for you, I get some sort of compliment or at the very least attention. People love attention. I get paid a little attention. Where as the street sweeper patrol gives me no attention. If I correctly move my car every day for 10 years to avoid getting a ticket, I don’t get a pat on the back, chest, top of the head, inner thigh. Nope. I’ll get nothing. And if I don’t move my car BAM! $42 ticket. Immediately. Always. Fuck these streets. Fuck the sweeping of them 4x a week. But you, my readers, I do not say “fuck thee” oh dear ne’er dost I proclaim “fuck thee”. I perch e’er fortnight on the hill tops with a whisper, “Hark my call not fuck thee, but ‘fuck me’. Aha! Fuck me in Jersey City!” Ca-CAW! Jezebel gypsies of the nigh’ with your pleated skirts…
Anyway, I went to a wedding over the weekend. I took pictures. I will tell you about the wedding and show you some of the pictures. But I have a problem. My problem is that I don’t have too many stories to tell about this wedding that involve myself. I was going to talk about my friend Dave’s wedding and how I got blackout drunk at that, but I don’t remember if I’ve already told that story on KSWI. Have I? Have I dear readers? Why don’t you answer me!?! Speak up, damn it!
Well, I’ll tell it or retell it once you tell me if I have told it or not told it. So… later this week.
BOOM! This is where the wedding was. The one I went to on Saturday. Not to be confused with the wedding where I blacked out, which oddly enough was only a couple miles from where BOOM! is. Back to BOOM!
This is Oheka Castle. You may remember Oheka Castle as where one of the heads of the Jonas Brothers got married. In my mind, the Jonas Brothers are almost exactly like mythological hell dog Cerberus. The Brothers Jonas share one body, but have three heads. They don’t appear to be the guardian of the gates of Hell, but at the same time I don’t really keep tabs on what they’re up to day-to-day, so they could be watching those gates. I do know they sing professionally. Generally speaking, professional musicians work at night and have a lot of free time during the day. So one could guess that the Jonas Brothers guard the gates of Hell to make sure no demons get out and no unwanted fool hearty heroes want in. Then at night time, they may hire some other menacing creature like Emmanuel Yarborough or Arizona Governor Jan Brewer to watch the gate for them, so the Brothers can go sing their songs for a happy nation of squealing girls.
Oheka Castle is on Long Island. Is it “on” Long Island or “in” Long Island? I think it is both and it needs to be solved with throwing a cat in a metal box with poison in it. You know what I’m saying? So, there is a castle called Oheka on Long Island and that is where my cousin got married. A castle. Pretty amazing, right? The castle comes of course with a golf course as all castles should.
Here is the hoopah. The chosen people, the gilded crew, the Dream Team from Bene Barack, the Israelites, the Jews… get married under a hoopah. Why? Because Jews are very conscious of sudden showers. Rain on a wedding day? Pffft, we’re Jewish! We’ve thought ahead! We’ve got a hoopah! Actually, it has some religious reason I suppose, but Jews are a practical people and the hoopah is a wedding umbrella.
Here is my cousin, the bride, with my aunt and uncle coming out of the castle(!). If you are sitting there wondering why I didn’t zoom in this picture it is because I took this picture with my PHONE! MY PHONE! So, it is a dame good picture for a phone. Literally, this picture is passable as a picture taken from a device that simply takes pictures. Instead this picture is taken from an electronic device that actually allows me to have a conversation with anyone in the world and send them dirty messages that I regret sending when I’m drunk.
There we go. Here is the happy couple actually literally getting married. It is happening right there! Can you see it!?! CAN YOU FEEL IT!?! At one point, the Rabbi I read an excerpt from a Rumi poem and if it weren’t for this website I wouldn’t know who Rumi is/was. A commentator from long ago mentioned Rumi. I do not know what happened to that young lady of Rumi. Does she still read the website? Has she given up on me? Was she such a fan of Rumi she gave up all her worldly possessions and now she walks the desert of the Middle East? Did she get a job where blogs are blocked and she does not take the time to read my comedic ramblings at home? Who knows? I don’t. Nevertheless! Fidelity! Marriage! Consecration vows! Conviction! And afterwards…
TA-DA! The married couple. Looking great. Feeling great. And best wishes to them in everything they do. They are in Amsterdam right now I believe, so if you want to give them your best wishes just go track them down over there. I would imagine they’ve changed their clothes, so don’t look for my cousin in her wedding dress. She’s probably in a t-shirt or jeans or something, but definitely not the wedding dress.
So yes! It was a beautiful wedding.
And I was there. Don’t believe me?
Ah-ha! That is me! Oh me oh thee oh me.
What other stupid faces can I make?
Left eyebrow raised. Confident. Kind of a “Why yes, I did key your car now what the fuck do you want to do about it.”
The right eyebrow raised. Concerned. Kind of a “Did I set-up my DVR to tape ‘Mad Men’? I don’t think I did. I hope Dawgz does. And I may have farted.”
Ahhhh, I’m fucking with you. I didn’t fart. Not in the tux at least. That thing was rented. I can’t sully the fabric of something I need to return.
And lastly… I will say this. I will submit other “want” pictures, but this is about all you have to do. Can you beat this?
I want it. But, I am going to emphatically say “YES!” that all of you can want that much and/or more. Plus I cannot win my own contest.
One more picture from the wedding…
Everyone is dancing.
Given certain circumstances, I will dance. Not well. But I’ll sort of get into it. By and large, I do stay away from dancing because I am not good at it. Why? Well, I’m not good at it. This stems from a general lack of practice I suppose. I believe anyone can get good at anything given practice. Shooting a basketball, writing with your other hand, speaking a foreign language. Dancing falls under that category as well. So, I’m at a wedding. They’re playing music I don’t really want to dance to. And, I haven’t danced in who knows how long. But it is what you are supposed to do. Not only supposed to do, but have to do. There is nothing else to do. You can’t say “drink” because you are supposed to dance and drink.
But I don’t want to. I don’t want to dance. I feel like I’m in the reverse of “Footloose”. I’m in a town of people who are forcing me to dance. They’re yelling at me, “You have to dance!” But I don’t want to dance. I don’t want to dance, Shaw. Please stop yelling at me to dance. Plus the songs that I’m supposed to dance to are not songs I want to dance to. Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl”? It’s a good song and all, but I don’t find it particularly dance-y. I generally picture that song as more or less background music. I never hear that song and immediately am like “I need to fucking dance!”
Anyway, it was a nice wedding. And congratulations to them and their marriage and their future and hopefully their insane times in Europe this week and next week on their honeymoon.
May 28, 2010
Friday, Friday, Friday, but everyone’s thinking of Monday, Monday, Monday with some added drinking and outdoor grilling on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday and for good measure a shots party on Saturday, Saturday, Saturday and I’m unemployed, I could continue to Tuesday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Wednesday and ONWARD! Yes, I want to start a “tab”. Yes, I want to leave it open. No need for a cab because I’m taking a “to go” cup and walking home.
Yesterday, I accomplished a task that few man or woman have attempted and even fewer have succeeded in.
The glow of success is blinding!
I kept the ticket stub. I framed it as well. I am planning on sell it on ebay. I am thinking it could easily fetch a few hundred and maybe even a thousand dollars. It is a very rare item. I will open the bidding to you all first before the ebay jackals get it. The ticket is in mint condition and sat in my pocket the entirety of MacGruber. I can even tell you what happened during the credits because I sat through them with said ticket. I received a call from a documentary crew shortly after the movie was over. They’re planning on doing a documentary about people who have actually paid to see MacGruber and watched the whole movie. So look out for that.
By the by, MacGruber is good. I found it very funny. Ladies Man is better. But Ladies Man is better than most movies.
Questions for Moooo-Waaahhh…
Question for Friday:
I’m officially off work for the summer. I have some stuff to do, but I still need more to do. Jordan, any ideas for me? I know you’ve been “between jobs” for a bit–what occupies your time? Give me a goal, a plan, a challenge! I cannot just watch BBC America and read by the pool all the time.
What occupies my time? Trying to keep Megatron on his thrown and Starscream in the pews. Starscream does kill Megatron at some point, more or less when he gets lazy and injured. I write this blog everyday still, which I’m guessing you noticed. It keeps me honest. I have to do something creative 5 days a week. Outside of that I have been working on some other projects outside of KSWI. Audio/visual productions. I’ll post them when they’re ready.
Plan/challenge? Something that benefits me would be nice. Consider it charity. I have some CPA accountant buddies who could figure out a way it could be a tax write off.
Friday question: what’s up with all these runner friends, Jordan? Personally I prefer my friends to be lazy. As well as worse parents and horrible housekeepers.
I agree. It is a tad irresponsible of them to be so health conscious. Sadly, I can name another half-dozen friends who also fancy themselves runners. I’m holding strong. No running for me. At least not until I get my acting career. I figure if someone hires me now then I can do one of those Christian Bale and 50 Cent acting diets and get crazy thin. At that point, the only sensible thing would be to eat fried chicken and cheeseburgers until I get back to where I started. But in that middle ground of sickly thin and stuffed with ground meat and American cheese – I bet I’ll be looking pretty good.
Question for Friday re the Secret Life of Guys: Why do guys need fresh pictures of nude women? Why won’t the same old nude women pix do?
I will start with an anecdote from Stephen King. After the Boston Red Sox won the World Series, he likened it to losing his virginity – once it happened, he just wanted it to happen all the time. Well, once you finally get pictures of a glorious nude woman – why would you stop wanting more? Also, pictures are two dimensional and you can’t see everything in one picture, so multiple angles is needed. So the different angles helps faking a three dimensional person, and new pictures helps even more. You’re experiencing different settings, time, and looks.
Am I pre-supposing that someone is pestering you for new nude pictures? Or are websites with new updates for the same starlets starting to get annoying to you?
Where the hell did you find ‘Die Antwoord’?
The internet. Their other video with them standing in front of some suburban house got pretty popular on the internet. And this one is their new video which has gotten even more popular.
Friday question: Have you ever been to the spoon museum that NJ has?
On Wednesday, I went to some blogger meet up. Not for my word-stripping on this website, but for the freelance writing I do for Asylum. I have two things to mention about that night minus I was sweating my balls off inside the bar and outside the bar:
1. I was talking to a guy who runs a really popular website. My friend introduced me to the guy and in the introduction he said that I write “Kristen Stewart Wants IT”. The guy looked confused, so we said it again. He still looked confused. So I started to explain what “Kristen Stewart Wants IT” meant - “there’s that Twilight chick Kristen Stewart and she always looks like she wants it” – and he said “I’ve heard about your site. Why do I know it? I think I have read a write up on your site somewhere.” I responded, “A few websites did write ups on it.” And then he added, “I’ve actually read a couple write ups on your site. Hunh? Wait a minute, you’re not gay!” And then I looked back and nodded, “Nope. Not gay.” And my friend added, “He isn’t gay.” That was a great moment.
2. Here is a picture of me front the event. This is more or less what I’m planning on looking like for the next few days – sweaty, beer in hand, somewhat drunk, but sans speed-dating name tag.
Feel free to entertain yourselves at my expense. Or use this as the newest picture to add to the voodoo dolls you have made of me. This could be “Poolside Drunk” Jordan or “Puerto Rican Vacation” Jordan.
Have a great weekend and Memorial Day. For the foreigners, feel free to also take off Memorial Day for a backyard barbecue. I’ve spoken with your Presidents, Prime Ministers and Totalitarian Dictators and they say it is cool and the gang for you to get drunk on cooler beer, potato salad, and chicken drumsticks on Monday like the good ole’ YOU ESS UV AYE.
KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Freya, HeyyyBrother, Sarita Pagita, Tiffanized and Single Strand Edition
May 19, 2010
If you’ve been reading Kristen Stewart Wants It for any length of time, you may have noticed the magical kingdom known as the comments. Today, we bring those commenters (or common taters, as they refer to themselves) out of the woodwork and into the spotlight! Led by Freya, HeyyyBrother, Sarita Pagita, Tiffanized and Single Strand share some of their KSWI love and memories. We talk Jordan, Kristen, and a liger…
Freya: Let’s start with this pressing question: How did you get introduced to the gloriousness that is Kristen Stewart Wants It? I heard about it from Lula! during a video chat with some friends, and we quickly decided to share Jordan in an odd sister wife arrangement.
HeyyyBrother: It was a dark, lonely night in August and I was just looking for some online company when… Kidding. The one and only Janetrigs is to blame. I wasn’t on le Twatter yet, but she included the link to KSWI in every curse-laden borderline insane comment she left on LTT. So I checked it out and was hooked immediately. I’m pretty simple and easy to entertain, so Kay Swidge’s MS Paint masterpieces did the trick. (Freya note: Janetrigs was in that chat.)
Single Strand: Honestly, you and HeyyyBrother were talking about it on Twitter one day and I had to go figure out who this Jordan fellow was.
Freya: Whoo hoo! We converted you.
Tiffanized: August 17,2009. My fake lesbian (soon to be pseudo polygamous wife) Janetrigs sends me over to a little site called Kristen Stewart Wants It.
Freya: Did you comment the first time?
Single Strand: I think I probably did…I wasted soooo much time last year not posting on LTT/LTR. When I finally did, it was like instant friendships so now when I go to a blog, I don’t hesitate. Besides, you KNOW I’m forward. Not every girl will talk anal with the world.
Freya: So true.
HeyyyBrother: I did comment the first time, but that’s not normal for me.
Tiffanized: As far as commenting, yes, like a slut on a first date, I did it the first time.
HeyyyBrother: Other blogs I’ve read, I usually lurk for a while. I think it also helped that KSWI didn’t have a dedicated group of commenters yet, so I didn’t feel like I was butting in. So I just staked my claim to a little corner of the comments and made myself at home. Marked my territory, if you will. No worries, no pissing was involved.
Freya: Favorite post ever?
HeyyyBrother: Sorry, my friend just sent me this article called “How to Spot a Masturbator” with the accompanying image: http://i44.tinypic.com/205quxk.jpg. And it’s not a joke… http://christwire.org/2010/05/how-to-spot-a-masturbator/
Freya: “How to spot a masturbator: Look at the person standing next to you.” Why am I cracking up at the line in the article “[they] think more about sex and less about their WORK AT HAND.” Bwahahahaha! Oh, and SNOOKI’S SEX AIDS ARE MAKING HER ORANGE! She has a spray tan dildo!
HeyyyBrother: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyway… favorite post? Jordan’s post.* Get it? Heyoooooo.
Single Strand: Hmm, it definitely had some Paint artwork maybe with a pimp cane? It hasn’t been all that long ago…first post I remember realizing Jordan was a genius was the New York State of Mind post a few months back. It def encouraged me to check the site more often. His breakdown of the lyrics was genius. (insert inflatable Jordan ego here)
Freya: So, Single Strand, you are with child…any plans to name it “Kristen” or “Jordan”?
Single Strand: HAHAHA. OMG I just almost spit out my ice. Umm, no. We are having a girl and will likely name her Charley. Sorry Jordan. I’d consider Jordan but only for a girl. Our boy names are pretty solid. For some reason Mr. S really likes the name Charley for a girl. He’s said that for a year or more. I changed the spelling so it wasn’t a baby girl named after Charlie Swan.
Freya: DUDE! Charlie Swan FTW!
Single Strand: We could call her Lil Copstache…
Freya: Speaking of the copstache…I think it would be a grand idea for Jordan to grow facial hair during his hiatus from mork. Thoughts?
Sarita Pagita: I think he could pull off a full on mountain man, and even give homage to s/o he suggested admiring – Spencer Pratt (WTF!?) as he seems to have similar coloring. He may need a little bit of a tan, tho
HeyyyBrother: What a coincidence, I was JUST saying he should do so the other day. I’ve always been jealous of guys because I feel like growing a beard and shaving it into something weird for an afternoon is the ultimate temporary fuck you to societal norms. Ladies don’t have that option. I mean, we could not shave our legs but that’s just gross and not at all entertaining. Dude with a fu manchu? Hilarious. But shave it after a day. And now that Kay Swidge has given up on the whole anonymous thing, we know he looks good with a beard.
Single Strand: I’m pretty sure Jordan can pull off a good handlebar.
Freya: I did a little photoshop work to show the possibilities…
HeyyyBrother: OMG!! THE STACHE BRUSH MAKES AN APPEARANCE!
Sarita Pagita: LOL! Your staches are genius!
HeyyyBrother: I effing love the handlebar! The amish was great too… they’re all wins.
Sarita Pagita: The amish is killing it! The pencil thin mustache is also brill. He could be a world dominator with that one.
HeyyyBrother: “Hi, I’m Jebediah Newmark. I have a horse and carriage. You know what that means? I also have whips.”
Tiffanized: I’m mobile and therefore don’t have access to my printout of “You and Your Mustache Are Not Alone”, so I’m headed straight for my go-to facial hair arrangement, the Fu Manchu. But I think Jordache owes it to us to experiment with facial hair FOR THE GREATER GOOD.
Freya: So, Jordan recently added a bunch of common taters on his Twitter. Do you feel privileged? Or was the experience cheapened by his capitulation to follow everyone?
HeyyyBrother: Hilariously enough, I wasn’t wearing pants when I got the notification… I was at the mall in Macy’s in the dressing room. My phone went off, and I always check it immediately. Saw the email and had a total wtf moment. I always knew the day would come when he would give in and follow, I just thought I’d be wearing pants for it. #nopants represent!
Single Strand: HA, when I saw the email that he was following me, I thought the end of the world was near. Then I realized he was following everyone he could find and got kinda sad. But then he RT’ed my first tweet after following me saying that it could probably not be topped. I’m pretty sure that excited me. I don’t know why. I’m a nerd.
Freya: It was about anal, yes?
Single Strand: Yes. Anal vs missionary when pregnant.
Freya: So one might say your anus cannot be topped.*
Single Strand: Well, THIS anus is tapped regularly…wait did you say topped or tapped?
Freya: What will you do if Jordan quits writing KSWI?
Sarita Pagita: KStew
Oops too quick on the trigger
Freya: WHAT will you do, not WHO will you do, SP!
HeyyyBrother: I would only do KStew if Jordan swore to continue writing KSWI for the rest of his natural life. And the alien life he intends to continue in the future, if PWG’s prediction comes true. That’s the only way I’m doing her. Right. But that wasn’t your question at all…
Single Strand: I’ll probably harass him on Twitter until he blocks me and then attempt to find his email address through various means I have so I can continue to harass him.
Sarita Pagita: Ok, so if he stops writing KSWI a- what will he be? what’s his new identity? an unemployed, has been blogger? lame. b – KStews want will go undocumented and my life will no longer be complete. and c – he will no longer have women up in his biz every day. also lame.
HeyyyBrother: What would I do? Probably get a shit ton more work done. Maybe find another tall, funny, dreamy Jersey dude to harass online. Life will continue… I suppose.
Freya: HeyyyBrother, you actually segued us quite nicely into my next question: Are you a Krisbian, a Stew hater, or somewhere in between?
Single Strand: I’m a TOTAL Krisbian.
Sarita Pagita: I’m def not a hater. But she in no way gives me a lady boner. Ever. I guess I’m Kriscurious.
HeyyyBrother: I don’t hate her. But I don’t like her. And, no offense to anyone, but the “Krisbians” totally weird me out. Which I guess makes me small-minded and… Krisophobic? I’m not proud. It’s how I was raised?
Sarita Pagita: Every time there’s a rainbow a Krisbian sees a new pap pic of Kstew.
Freya: Recently, Kristen smiled on Oprah. Do you think that decreases the WANT?
Single Strand: I think she was still wanting it. I’m pretty sure she always wants it. To me at least.
HeyyyBrother: There is only Want. The smile is just a different flavor.
Sarita Pagita: The want is still there. It’s a new dimension of the want bc she realizes that the bitchface want is a one trick pony. She’s keeping the want fresh.
Tiffanized: The smile enhances the Want. I think that the Bitchface is a private attempt to dilute the power of the Want.
Freya: What is your favorite “inside joke” from KSWI?
HeyyyBrother: The numerous variations of O:F&B are near and dear to my heart, of course.
Tiffanized: My favorite inside joke has to be ‘*’ instead of “That’s what she said.” Anyone who says anything else is a scoundrel. Unless they say “Eel sex” because that was spectacular.
Freya: LAST QUESTION! Kristen Stewart’s WANT vs. a liger. WHO. WOULD. WIN????
Single Strand: It might be a fight to the death…..but the WANT has it in the bag
Tiffanized: THE WANT ALWAYS WINS. Use the Want, Luke. One Want to rule them all. The liger never stood a chance.
Sarita Pagita: It may be blasphemy, but I think that the liger’s got one up on KStew’s WANT. Ligers, as you know, have magical qualities. KStew’s want, while very powerful indeed is not, in fact, magical.
HeyyyBrother: The Want. But if science ever gets to a point where it can make a KStew/Liger hybrid, we’re all royally fucked.