People Let Me Tell You ‘Bout My Best Friend, Justin Bieber

Let’s start this story where all stories should start – Me.

I was sitting at home, eating dinner and casually forcing my parents to watch The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia because that is what I do. I “force” people to watch movies that will only make their lives a million times better. Sue me. When the movie ended, I got up to go to the bathroom to expel urine or some sort of waste from one of the two holes on the lower half of my body that accomplishes said tasks. I returned to find the TV had been, in a word, hijacked. Hijacked for the Grammys.

After I verbally abused my kinsmen for such disgusting mutiny, I then passive aggressively watched the next hour of the Grammys. I hate the Grammys. I always have and this year didn’t change anything. Who is nominated, I wouldn’t nominate. Who wins from those nominations, I would never give the award to based on those previous stupid nominations. I disagree with the event in its entirety.

I will skip past the Eminem/Dr. Dre/Rhiana performance, which might as well have been them performing “Too Legit To Quit” (which would have been 1000x better) because that damn song of theirs sounds like it was from forever ago. They performed that same song on the VMAs which were I think back in September. How behind are the Grammys? Jay-Z and Alicia Keyes’ song “Empire State of Mind” was nominated for something as well. Didn’t that song come out two years ago?! Let’s skip past the bad Mick Jagger performance and everything until we get to the now infamous Best New Artist category… dunh DunH DUNH!

The nominees were Drake, Mumford and Sons, Florence & the Machine, someone named Esperanza Spalding, and international boy toy Justin Bieber.

Clearly, you can guess who won? Is it really a question at this point who would win in this situation? All the Grammys are are a mass of pop artists and no one is a bigger pop artist than Justin Bieber. He is everywhere, he has a movie out, he is the current topic of every dream of every 12-16 year old girl and a lot of boys, after 16 he drops to about half of the dream topics until you reach mid-20′s, and then half of that for every 5 years after 25 and then shoots up back to 50% for women between 40-50 and then to finally close to 0% after 50, he accounts for 2% of Twitter traffic at any given moment, he did a guest appearance on every TV show last week to promote that damn movie, he’s in commercials, he is on the cover of magazines, and basically the media is trying to mentally force fuck our brains with this 5’3″ Canadian mop topped jailbait at all given moments during the day.

So who won?

JUST- …

ESPERANZA SPALDING!

This bitch! This jazzy bitch! This well… she doesn’t seem like a bitch at all. Her creamy cafe latte skin put a hex on those critics! Her wild afro of sexual prowess confused their brains! This evil, or perfectly nice lady with the legs and feet and pretty smile, temptress voodoo cursed the already simple minded Grammy folks and now they have forsaken this one and only category that was perfectly set-up for one and only one person to win and that, of course, is a little fella from the great white north that puts the smiles on the faces of all the 15 year old ladies, Justin Bieber.

BIEBER WAS ROBBED!

Seriously, look at this kid. The Biebs is giving the reverse Peace sign, which does not mean he likes war, it actually means double the amount of peace. That’s what the fuck this kid is about. DOUBLE PEACE! That is just science. What is Esperanza Spalding about? She likes and plays jazz music. That’s one thing we know. She likes to be apart of international conspiracies to rob the teenagers of this world the only thing they could have possibly asked for for Christmas and that was a Justin Bieber Grammy for Best New Artist. We know that much. Is she a communist? Who isn’t these days? Right?! The President is supposedly a communist. If a smart man like Barack Obama could get roped into this communism, are we saying that the pinko commies are not smart enough to allure Esperanza Spalding? Yeah, I didn’t fucking think so!

What do we really know about this cellist succubus? She has soft lips like silk pillows? I’m guessing so. It looks like it. It really really looks like it. Her eyes penetrate into my soul making me want to terrible things to barely legal Canadian boys in her honor as to appease her like some Egyptian queen. AHHHH!!! SHE HAS ME UNDER HER SPELLS! IT IS ALL HER TRICKS!!! HER JAZZ TRICKS!

Finally! Thank you, Justin Bieber, for breaking that pretty lady witch’s sorcery. Here is Justin Bieber and Usher. I think we all know what I think of Usher – he is a national treasure. So much of a national treasure than Nicolas Cage should be hunting for Usher around the globe to solve some riddle regarding the founding fathers and the future destiny of mankind. I believe Usher is hiding a secret fortune of riches on him at all times. What are those riches? His friendship. And he shares that friendship with Justin Bieber. So… FUCKING BOOM! BOOM FUCKING BOOM! Are you telling me that a friend of other national treasures like Arnold Schwarzengger wouldn’t be a friend of yours? Are you telling me that you would like cross at a man like Sven Ole Thorsen? ARE YOU?! ARE YOU ESPERANZA SPALDING?!

Look at it this way -

A national treasure (Usher and/or Arnold Schwarzenegger)

is friends with someone (16 year old international pop sensation Justin Bieber and/or Danish actor, stuntman, bodybuilder, athlete and former World’s Strongest Man Sven-Ole Thorsen)

and wouldn’t you want to be friends with that person regardless of knowing anything else about them?

That person has to be a great person because national treasures only consort with other potential national treasures.

I just feel like I have to defend this Justin Bieber kid for two reasons:

1. He’s a 5’3″, 16 year old, pop star from Canada. He can’t defend himself. One thing makes him weaker than the next. There are some strong 5’3″ people out there, but they’re also not 16 and pop stars nor are they Canadian. He isn’t built for confrontations.

2. Who else will?

I feel like I’m all alone on this. I mean is there anyone else out there with the balls to take on the Grammys? Seriously, they are just too strong of an institution that they have probably all the governments of the world humming to their Esperanza Spalding tune. I heard that the riots in Egypt were because the Grammys wished for them to happen. And then they blew on a fallen eye lash and Mubarak resigned. You know that type of shit happens when the Grammys are involved. I heard the Grammys stopped production on Crystal Clear Pepsi and pulled the plug on The Wire. I heard they killed the Archduke Ferdinand and made Cameron Diaz annoying. I heard they boiled a kitten’s whiskers and made Dave Chappelle crazy. I heard they danced naked at sunrise, which created the Spiderman Broadway musical. And I believe last night, they stored all happy tears of a generation of young girls and confused middle age women and spread them over the remains of smashed Justin Timberlake CDs and cursed Justin Bieber into not winning Best New Artist.

If you’re thinking to yourself – maybe the Grammys like Jazz? First -

THEY HATE JAZZ!

Secondly, Milli Vanilli won a Best New Artist award, so why not Justin Bieber? It is just seems idiotic.

And now as this fine upstanding young man has had his rightful legs taken out from underneath him, others are kicking him in the ribs… like Yahoo:

This is what the Bieber wore last night. I’m not in love with it, but they gave him a D-. They gave him as close to failure as possible regarding these clothes. The only way to fail at wearing clothes is by not wearing them and he is fully clothed. But a D-? They are cowards attacking this fallen child! And if you’re curious if they gave everyone a D-…

This received a B. B?! This was a B in Yahoo’s mind. I’m pretty sure that this wouldn’t fly in a restaurant or a Rite Aid. What the fuck?! This is a B?! That is way beyond a passing grade. Not only is it passing, but that is an endorsement for others to attempt to wear clothes such as these. That is the insanity that the Grammys has brought upon our society. Not a rightful award for the child whose laughter has brought many happiness and whose falsetto half rapping has been the anthem for many in their pursuit of not giving up on finding a teenage boy of their own dreams. Meanwhile, this gets a fucking B.

If you’re wondering – Lady Gaga’s egg scored higher than Justin Bieber in a tux.

A pox! A pox on all your houses!

Lastly, let me say that Harry Nilsson’s classic “Best Friend” is the title of this post and is also appropriate for Justin Bieber the gentle soul American ally that he is. Here are the lyrics -

People let me tell you ’bout my best friend,
He’s a warm hearted person who’ll love me till the end.

People let me tell you bout my best friend,
He’s a one boy cuddly toy, my up, my down, my pride and joy.

People let me tell you ’bout him he’s so much fun
Whether we’re talkin’ man to man or whether we’re talking son to son.

Cause he’s my best friend.
Yes he’s my best friend.
(scat finish).*

*I wish all my posts could end with a scat finish.

The Kristen Stewart Edition of Kristen Stewart Wants It – Part I

Sound guy Rick (off screen): And then Peter Green had to leave the band because of an onset of schizophrenia caused by taking LSD in Germany.

Kristen Stewart: Wow, why was he in Germany?

Camera man Carl (off screen): Kristen, we’re on.

R: That’s the craziest thing! These two guys who gave Green the LSD weren’t even there to see the band. Green was such a big deal in England back then that they knew they had to go through him to get to Mick Taylor to then get to The Rolling Stones.

KS: What did they do?

C: Kristen, we’re live. The-

R: What did they do!?! They kept on rocking of course!

R: Over the next 2 years with a revolving door of musicians, Mick and the McVies, recorded three albums! How nuts is that!?!

C: Psst… Kristen, the cameras are rolling.

KS: Really nuts. I couldn’t even imagine. That must’ve taken an extreme amount of focus. Mick is very underrated as a musician. He may not have written their most famous songs or anything, but he is the backbone for a stalwart band that has been around since-

R: 1965! I know it is crazy! I mean we’re not even scratching the surface either. We still haven’t even touched on when they became Gods under the Lindsey/Stevie era. And I don’t care what anyone says, I saw them 28 times during the ’79 Tusk tour and it rocked each and every time. After that I did an on and off stint in rehab pretty much until the Tango Tour almost a decade later. I saw 9 shows of that tour.

C: Pssssst… Kristen, do you not see the red light? There is a red light staring right at you.

KS: That is really amazing! I wish I could have been alive to have seen any of that. Whether people realize it or not, they are a fan of Rumours. Even if they have never sat down and listened to it from beginning to end, they have still listened to that whole album because all those songs are great. “Second Hand News”, “Dreams”, “Never Going Back Again” -

R: Don’t stop! Thinking about tomorrow!  Don’t Stop! It’ll Soon be here! It’ll be here! Better than before!

C: Kristen!

R and KS: Yesterday’s gone! Yesterday’s gone!

C: KRISTEN! KRISTEN! KRISTEN!

KS: Will you shut the fuck up!?! Did you not hear us singing Fleetwood Mac!?!

R: Yeah, Carl. What gives? We were jamming out to the Mac.

C: Kristen. Rick. The cameras are rolling. The sound is rolling. It is time for us to get this underway finally.

KS: Oh. How long have the cameras been on?

C: Long enough to catch you and Rick singing the chorus of “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac off of the 1977 hit album Rumours.

KS: Oh ok. I’m cool with that. I think Rick and I sounded good.

R: Some of the best singing I’ve done in ages.

C: You harmonize quite well together. Surprisingly well. Can we start?

KS: Yes.

C: Kristen, you’re not talking. You need to talk.

KS: This is apart of my process. I need ten seconds of silence. Then I count down from 10 to 1 and then I begin.

C: Ok. 10 seconds of silence coming up.

R: I think she really needs twenty seconds of silence. She said she needs 10 seconds followed by a 10 second count down in her head.

C: Will you shut up!?!

R: I’m just clarifying for myself and for you just incase after 12 seconds of silence you felt like jumping in and asking what Kristen was doing because she doesn’t need just 10 seconds she needs 20 seconds.

KS: Right now, I’m getting no seconds of silence.

C: Shut up Rick!

R: I was merely explain-

C: Ok! You’re right! Kristen needs 20 seconds of silence. 10 + 10 = 20. Thank you, Rick. Now can you shut up.

R: A please would be-

C: PLEASE! PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP RICK! Just please shut the fuck up.

R: Ok, I’m shutting up.

C: Good. Now Kristen-

KS: Will both of you please shut the fuck up and give me 20 seconds of silence before I rip your tongues out of your stupid fucking heads.

*10 seconds of silence*

followed by

*10 seconds of silence*

KS: Hello, all. I am Kristen Stewart. You may remember me from my feature films like Twilight and Into the Wild. You may also remember me as the girl who “wants it” all the time including now. I want it. I want it really bad.  Speaking of which, today KSWI Jordan will not be available to write the 2000 words plus you expect of him daily. His rants provide many smiles and much happiness to the children and adults alike  of the world and sadly he is nowhere to be found. The resident theory is he snapped from the pressure of being a daily blogger and is currently on the run somewhere along the Appalachian mountain range. He tried running once before and he was found three days later in a roadside Denny’s parking lot covered in pancake syrup and only wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers’ “Terrible Towel”. He was fairly successfully reciting line by line 2008′s The Dark Knight until Animal Control finally tranquilizer darted him. We thought we had found a solution to these disappearances by installing an ankle bracelet on him. We tracked the bracelet and it was tied to an adorable bunny rabbit hopping around in the backwoods of New Jersey. We all got a good laugh at first because of how this homage to Cliffhanger-

C: Kristen?

KS: What the hell!?! What is it Carl? I’m in the middle of talking about Cliffhanger and how much we all love Cliffhanger.

C: I just wanted to remind you that we have a photoshoot where you need to want it real bad at 1pm, so you might want to speed this along if you want lunch before hand.

R: I love Cliffhanger. John Lithgow is truly an excellent bad guy.

C: He is. I don’t want Dexter, but I was told he was on that show this past season and he was a bad guy in that. I’m thinking of Netflixing it when it comes out on DVD.

R: You don’t need to Netflix it. I have Showtime and it’s On Demand now.

C: Really? Do you think I need to watch the first few seasons to understand-

KS: Will you two shut the hell up!?!

C: Right. Action!

KS: Long story short, Jordan is unavailable to talk about me, my want, and whatever crazy stuff is literally spilling out of his brain. So, today you have me. I want it. Jordan did leave us with a list of topics he wanted to talk about that I will talk about instead. Jordan’s handwritten notes read much like a crazed killer’s notes. And I’ve seen my fair share of those because I’m in Twilight and Robert Pattinson is in me. Hey oh! Blue humor jokes. But seriously, I get a lot of crazy “fan” mail. All capital letters, incomplete sentences, a lot of words underlined, drawings of robots. So bear with me if there is any confusion.

Arianny the intern: The first topic is-

KS: You’re so cute. What’s your name?

A: Arianny?

KS: That’s such a pretty name! Arianny?

A: Thank you. I love your name. Kristen Stewart. I feel like I have to say it all the way through every time.

KS: Really? Thank you. That’s so nice. I’ve always wanted a more exotic name. Oh! I love those shoes!

A: Thank you! I just got them actually. They were on sale. I didn’t even need a new pair of shoes, but I saw them and I felt like treating myself. I had a really rough week last week with work, buying Christmas presents and just everything.

KS: Aww, I’m sorry. That sweater dress is great too. Those things are so comfortable and soft. It’s like wearing a blanket, but it shows off your curves. I want to touch it. Can I touch it?

A: Sure.

C: Why can’t I talk to women like that?

KS and A: What!?!

R: No, I get it. Just let him talk.

C: I mean seriously that all just sounded so natural. I can’t talk like that to women. You’re cute, what’s your name, pretty name, I like your shoes, you look great in that sweater dress, can I touch the dress et cetera. If I said any of that it would sound perverted.

KS: Yeah, Carl. It’s because you’re married.

A: You shouldn’t be hitting on your interns like that anyway.

C: I just wish I could talk that naturally free of reprecussions like that conversation once in my life.

R: For most guys, if we say anything complimentary or start a conversation it just seems like we’re hitting on you. What if I do think that dress is nice and comfortable looking and I just want to touch the material? You were about to let Kristen touch the material, but you definitely wouldn’t let Carl or I do it.

C: What if I just want to feel some nice wool?

KS: That’s what she said.

C: Damn it, Kristen! That’s what I’m saying. You girls can effortlessly hit on each other and then cross into touching boundaries with complete ease.

A: Would you rather we stop?

C and R: Good lord no!

C: Forget I said anything.

R: Pretend we’re not even here. Just touch each other’s “wool” as if we weren’t even here.

KS: Arianny, first topic?

A: It says here “Taylor Swift’s 15 video then Justin Bieber’s One Less Lonely Girl video”.

KS: Who the fuck is Justin Bieber?

A: He is this creepy 15 year old pop singer who looks like he is 8.

C: He’s pretty popular. He has another song called “One Time”. You may have heard of it.

A: Carl you are a creepy pedo.

C: Listen, Arianny. I have daughters. And the only way they talk to me is if I talk to them about stuff they like. Sadly stuff they like is the shittiest shit that ever shitted.

R: That’s a lot of shit.

C: So if I want to have a relationship with them now and to continue to have one, I have to know about shit like Justin Bieber.

KS: That sucks.

C: As Chris Rock said my only job as a father is to keep my daughters off “the pole”. If my daughters do end up as strippers or pornstars, it will not be my fault. I have been there for them.

R: You’re a good dad. Better than mine ever was.

KS: So does anyone know what Jordan is talking about?

A: So, apparently Jordan was watching music videos on one of the hundred MTV channels you get now with digital cable. They played Taylor Swift’s “Fifteen” video first.

KS: What happens in that?

C: Taylor is an omniscient high school spirit girl who joins a new school. She watches over another girl at school who becomes close with the cool guy at school. The girl one night ends up at the make out spot over looking the town in the cool guy’s car. He tries to force himself on her by telling her that he loves her, but she stops him.

R: He’s a real dick about it too.

C: The song is basically a warning to young girls not to have sex before they are ready because these 15 year old boys will throw around phrases like “I love you” to sleep with you. Don’t trust 15 year old boys.

R: That’s a very serious topic and I think Taylor is really tackling a subject that her fan base knows a lot about and are currently dealing with.

C: Personally, I love Taylor for writing this song. If it can stop one girl especially one of stupid daughters from-

A: Yeah, so Taylor’s the ghost of premature devirginization.

KS: And what does that have to do with Justin Bieber?

C: I hate that bastard.

A: Immediately after Taylor’s video played, Justin’s video played. He is a 15 year old boy that is confessing he loves this girl and how she is going to be with him.

R: Yeah, that video is messed up. He takes the girl’s scarf and leads her on a wild goose chase throughout the town for her scarf and it eventually ends with her meeting him at some closed shop by herself. Completely ridiculous. It’s a terrible message to young girls.

C: You would think my daughters would be smarter than that, but I could see them being stupid enough to find that cute.

KS: Sounds creepy.

A: I think Jordan thought it was funny that one video warning girls about 15 year old boys saying they love you to get into your pants was followed by a video of a 15 year old boy who said he loves this girl to get into her pants.

KS: Hunh, that is pretty funny.

C: It’s ironic.

A: I think it is more coincidental.

R: I think Arianny is right. Also you look very pretty today, Arianny.

C: Both of you shut up!

KS: I need a break.

KS: I just need to stretch my legs. They’re falling asleep sitting at this desk.

A: I love that dress. You look so sexy in black with the black hair and-

C: Enough Arianny!

R: I hate when my legs fall asleep. I hate that feeling.

KS: Really? I kind of like it. Everytime my legs or arm falls asleep I think of that Incubus  song “Wish You Were Here”. The song sounds like it is a love song to some girl that he wishes was with him, but, apparently, he really wrote the song about the sensation when your leg or arm falls asleep and he was wishing that he could feel that sensation right then. Jordan told me that. I don’t know how true it is. Jordan knows a lot of random trivia like that. I hope it is true because can you imagine how high he must’ve been when he wrote that. So high. I want it.

R: Yuck, I hate Incubus.

C: Really? I like Incubus. Their early stuff is really good before they got famous.

A: And that lead singer is hot.

R: That’s bullshit. The lead singer is hot I guess, but I meant what Carl said. What did they have like one album before they got famous? So they’ve put out more shit music than good music, but you still call yourself a fan? That’s stupid.

KS: Oh really?

A and C: Get him Kristen!

R: Oh are you going to prove me wrong, Stewart?

KS: Oh yeah.

R: Bring it!

KS: Answer me this, Rick. What are your thoughts on Metallica’s first three albums in as little words as possible?

R: Kill ‘Em All is perfect. Ride the Lightning is perfect. Master of Puppets es perfecto. It is beyond the acheivment of the English language’s definition of perfect that I need to use a different language other than English to signify it’s beyond perfection-ness. I chose Spanish.

KS: Correct-o. Now what do you think of their albums following Master of Pupperts?

R: And Justice For All is great and verges on excellent with a few songs like “One” and “Blackened”, but in total it is a step down from the previous three. Still a great metal album, but lacking in comparison. Black Album is one of the greatest commercial metal albums. It is more hard rock than metal though. It is definitely not the “heavy metal” that Metallica played when Cliff Burton was alive. Load and Reload are rock albums that suck. St. Anger was so disturbingly bad that I admitted myself into rehab after the first listen knowing full well it would only lead me back to needle drug use it was that bad. And Death Magnetic is terrible. It is not nearly as bad as St. Anger, but it is a sad representation of a band that once was the greatest. I weeped only when I listened to it. And I refuse to talk about the album and would rather pretend they all died in the bus accident with Cliff oh so many years ago.

C: But are you still a fan?

KS: Hey! Carl! That was my line!

A: Jeez, Carl.

KS: Rick, do you still consider yourself a fan of Metallica?

R: Kristen Jaymes Stewart, I love Metallica. I have bled for Metallica and I’m willing to bleed for Metallica again. For three consecutive albums, they produced the most concentrated and beautiful heavy metal music I have and will ever hear in my life. I have never told any woman in my life “I love you” including my own mother, but I have told Metallica I love them. I have told James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich, Kirk Hammett and Cliff Burton countless times that I love them. I saw them play a total 56 times when Cliff Burton was still alive and I yelled countless times to them “I love you”. So yes. I am a fan of Metallica.

C: Rick I have never told you this, but I have owned 13 Westhighland White Terriers in my life and each of them has been named “Sir Cliff Burton”.

R: I never knew. I feel closer to you than any other person in years right now.

KS: That’s the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.

A: I don’t want to cry because my mascarra will run, but I can’t stop myself. I’m sorry I called you a pedo before.

KS: I think we need to take a break and have a good cry and listen to Metallica. I want it.

C: I want it too. I wish Cliff Burton was here right now. I want to kiss him right on the face.

KS: That’s what she said.

C: Kristen! I meant the dog! I want to kiss my dog!

KS: And, that’s what she said.

C: Whatever Kristen. Let’s take a break and regroup tomorrow.