July 8, 2010
I’m back, y’all.
I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m backity back and I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m backity back and I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m backity back and I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m backity back and I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m backity back and I’m back, y’all. I’M BACK, Y’ALL. I’M BACK, Y’ALL. I’M BACKITY BACK AND I’M BACK, Y’ALL.
What the fuck will I talk about now that I’m back? There are so many things. THINGS! “Things” to talk about. Where to begin? Where TO begin!?! There are just so many “things” happening at the moment. But which one to write about? Which one to expound on? Which one to make light of and punch holes in its integrity? Which one to soak in the saliva of cynicism? Which one to lick clean of its credibility? Which one to dry hump a friction fire of ferocious farce fraying its very veritas to vanish?
I could talk about so many things! My trip to Las Vegas. Shooting machine guns. Watching UFC 116 in person. Lindsay Lohan. Mel Gibson. Jamarcus Russell. Lebron James. The Emmy nominations. Leonardo DiCaprio supposedly being involved in every movie we will see for the next 5 years. My long overdue screenplay entitled “Kristen Stewart wants IT”. Kristen Stewart – she’s always a good topic. The “50 women over 60″ video and its 10,000+ views on youtube. The World Cup. Blowjobs for twitter followers if the Netherlands wins. My irreverent thoughts on Avatar: The Last Airbender television series, which I finished watching last night. Why God exists and why moral relativism works if viewed through a prism of selflessness and inter-subjectivity.
Well? What should I write about readers? Huh!?! I can’t hear you! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! YELL! YELL LOUDER! AM I GOING DEAF!?! I CAN’T HEAR ANY… oh wait… I could never hear you. I’m just writing this and then you read it later. Sorry, it has been awhile. I forgot how this works. Instead of picking and choosing – let’s make today’s post a poe-pour-ee lightning round. And with that…
SHOW ME YOUR LIGHTNING MOTHERFUCKERS! KAY-SWIDGE-JIZZLE KA-BLAMINATE-IZZLE!
My trip to Las Vegas. Strangely enough, this was not my first time to Sin City. SIN CITY! I have been there twice before. My first adventure was when I was circa 12 years old and et al and I saw Sigfried & Roy and Circe du Soleil or however you spell because that is how I spell it. My second trip to Las Vegas was when I was about 10 years later and my friend and I drank for what may have been 88% of the hours we were there. So, did I gamble there this time? No. Have I gambled there? Yes. Do I like gambling? On life, sure. But I find slot machines and card games to be a lot less interesting. I like the old adage of “if I had a lot of money then gambling might be fun”. Pffftt, if I had a lot of money then I would go buy outrageous shit instead of gamble it away at some blackjack table.
But it was a great time. Good food. Good fights. Good friends. I was in a pool for a large portion of my time there. Everyone in Las Vegas wanted to talk about the UFC which was excellent since I always want to talk about the UFC. It was a lot like when I was in Los Angeles and all people wanted to talk about was the movie industry. I love talking about movies! Las peliculas!
Did you see so and so is now directing such and such?
I did see that! And I think that is a terrible decision by who and who studio because so and so has never directed a “what and what” genre before and such and such needs an experienced “what and what” directer to really bring that story to life. And, yes I would like fries with that.
Shooting machine guns. I was staying at a friend’s house in Las Vegas and my friend has one of those life requirements called “a job” and my friend was at that “job” during the times when people who have them are usually at them. So, I needed to find an activity to get involved in when they were at this “job”. I was flipping through a travel guide and saw an ad for an establishment entitled “The Gun Store”. The advertisement featured a blonde in a bikini holding an MP5 Sub-machine gun. HALLELUJAH! My friend then told me a lot of people go there and love the place. What isn’t there to love? Their slogan is “SHOOT A REAL MACHINE GUN”. I wish that was my slogan.
So I went. And I shot a machine gun.
The place was amazing. First, everyone who works there treats shooting a fully loaded machine gun like riding a roller coaster. Actually, they are even more cavalier about it than that. They are the Michael Rappaports of gun stores. There are machine guns covering the walls with prices listed under them and you walk up to the cash register and pick which ones you would like to shoot. They also had a few package deals. I chose a package deal – “The Coalition Package” because I love America. “The Coalition Package” featured three guns that are being used on the Iraq and Afghanistan military campaigns: M9 Beretta pistol, M4 Carbine assault rifle, and a SAW machine gun.
After purchasing your package, you are given 3 shooting targets (Osama Bin Laden and two suicide bomber looking guys), and your ammunition and then you stand in line waiting your turn. So, you’re in a movie theater zig-zag style line with clips of live ammo in your hands which is hysterical. I had two clips of pistol ammo, one clip for the M4 and a belt of bullets for the SAW. The two guys in front of me had 4 clips for AK-47s and so on and so forth. What did we all talk about with all that live ammunition in our hands? The UFC of course! Everyone waits in line until a gun-tech takes you into the firing range. When I got to the front of the line this was my conversation with the gun-tech:
What did you get there?
I got “The Coalition Package”.
Excellent. Well I’m going to go grab some “toys” and then we’ll go “play”.
- end scene -
By “toys” he meant MACHINE GUNS and by “play” he meant SHOOT THEM.
The “funniest” thing to me at The Gun Store is that the gun-techs who give you a nice and concise 10 second lesson on each gun before you fire them willy nilly is that they themselves are all carrying guns. Why do they have guns? Because if I decide to go nuts with the live machine gun full of live bullets then they have the right to KILL me. Each guy in there is ready and willing to KILL any customer who walks in that store. FUCKING BRILLIANT! It makes complete sense and really there is no other way for them to handle the situation if someone did go nuts because they are in control of a very lethal weapon, so they have to stop the situation immediately, but it is still “funny”.
The M9 had a surprising amount of kickback or at least surprising to me, but it was very fun to shoot. The SAW was very fun to shoot. It is propped up on a bi-pod and is surprisingly light (17 pounds) and has very little kickback with the bi-pod and your shoulder and one hand keeping the gun still while the other hand is firing it. The M4 carbine had a lot of kickback if you went Rambo and tried to hold down the trigger. The gun normally fires in bursts, but at The Gun Store it is fully automatic because that is what the tourist customer wants. My gun-tech taught me a nice trick, if you fire the automatic in bursts to the tune of “Die, motherfucker, die” then you’ll be fine. I WISH I COULD LIVE IN THE GUN STORE! I could sleep in the firing range with all the spent shell casings and the smell of gasoline thick in the air. Heaven.
Watching UFC 116 in person. Great night of fights. I was disappointed with some of the winners. I wasn’t rooting for Chris Leben. I am a big fan of Akiyama aka Sexyama and he lost to Leben. It was a great fight though. If Sexyama didn’t tap with 10 seconds left in the fight then he should have won that fight by decision. Either way, it was an excellent fight. And the main event! Oh my!
I was rooting for Brock. I am a fan of Brock Lesnar. I am a fan of professional wrestling. So those two things kind of go together. Nevertheless, the first round of that fight was the scariest 5 minutes ever. Shane Carwin physically dominated Brock Lesnar in a way that was reminiscent of the beginning minutes of any final fight between Godzilla vs. whoever. I felt physically ill watching a man as large as Brock Lesnar being thrown around and put into the fetal position like that. It was like everything I understood as a human being was being destroyed by Shane Carwin and my stomach couldn’t handle it. Thankfully, Brock survived that first round and came out smiling for the second round. He took Shane down and submitted him, which was also a crazy shock to the system. Great fight.
Like I said, I’m biased. I like pro-wrestlers and I like Brock Lesnar. I know a lot of people don’t like him or didn’t like him before that fight, but now they should like the man. He is a great champion. Size, speed, strength and, now, submissions.
Lindsay Lohan. I think they should have arrested her right then and there. I think it is a crazy risk to allow her to go home for 2 weeks and then take her to jail. She is a proven bad decision maker and no one ever seems to be able to stop her from doing harmful things to herself. I think there is a relatively good chance she may do something really stupid in these two weeks leading up to her jail time. Either way, I know people will not stop talking about her (like I’m doing right now), but I wish we all would. She has not done anything that would make her a celebrity in years. YEARS! Mean Girls came out 6 years ago. SIX! And she wasn’t the best part of that movie – Tim Meadows was. And I don’t see anyone talking about Tim Meadows! I would love to talk about Tim Meadows… speaking of…
Tim Meadows. IS THE GREATEST. Fuck people who overlook The Ladies Man. I’m not saying The Ladies Man is better than Wayne’s World, but it is a damn funny movie. It didn’t make much money in the theaters, but that is yo’ fault not the movies. The Ladies Man 4 Life.
Mel Gibson. Well, it’s worse than we all thought. I mean we all knew he hated the Jews. I was fine with that. I am a member of the Chosen People and I can speak for us and say that we were cool-de-lah that Mel Gibson and his father hated us. But punching his wife, dropping the pack of n-words line – it’s a little much. Hey, Mel Gibson! Why don’t you just cool your jets there buddy. How about you take a chill pill. Am I right? Either way, The Mad Max trilogy, Lethal Weapon I and II, Braveheart and Maverick are all excellent movies. I can’t take that away from him. I can’t deny O.J. Simpson was a phenomenal running back.
Jamarcus Russell. Purple Drank. Lean. Syrup. Sizzerp. Player’s Potion. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I fucking love it! I highly recommend you all watch the “expose” that Sportscenter did on “Purple Drank” and Mr. Russell. It is GOLD! If you don’t know – Sprite, jolly ranchers and Codeine. If you set a child loose in a house and told them to get fucked up then that is the concoction they would make: soda, candy and cough syrup. Southern Rappers are atrocious and their taste in “drank” is somehow worse than their taste in music. But I still love “The King” Jamarcus Russell.
Lebron James. If Lebron James does not sign with the New York Knicks then I will hate him forever. Honestly, no one cares about the Miami Heat including the fans of the Miami Heat. I didn’t sit through over a year’s worth of speculation for Lebron to sign with a third tier city like Miami. It is New York or bust. If he stays in Cleveland then he is a fucking idiot. They haven’t signed anyone and apparently him indecisiveness about signing with Cleveland is what led Chris Bosh to sign with Miami. Chicago signing Boozer seems to indicate that they are not in the running for Lebron anymore, but who knows. Chicago is great, but I just find it so unsexy for Lebron to sign there. And the Nets appear to be out of the running as well. I really don’t want to hate Lebron, but if he doesn’t sign with the Knicks and Amar’e then I’ll be furious.
The Emmy nominations. Suck. Like really suck. Am I wrong? Please tell me if I’m wrong about this, but doesn’t a television show have to be funny to be considered a “comedy”? If that is still the case then how is 30 Rock being nominated for anything? Or has the definition of “funny” changed? If “funny” now means “something that used to make one laugh, but now only makes one cringe at how it cannot make one laugh anymore in slightest” then 30 Rock is “funny”. And the rest of the nominations are stupid as well. I’m fine with Glee getting nominated for stuff. It genuinely seems like they are trying on that show. I’ve only watched one episode and it was good.
Leonardo DiCaprio supposedly being involved in every movie we will see for the next 5 years. Currently, Leo’s IMDB page has TWENTY-ONE movies that he is attached to and two movies that are in pre-production. I know that IMDB is not the most reliable, but 21!?! Those cannot all be wrong. It appears to me that between Leo’s film career and his random celebrity guilt “I need to help charities make commercials to save the world” stuff that he has little time to hang out with arguably the most beautiful carbon based life form to ever exist – Bar Refaeli. I would like to offer myself as a surrogate boyfriend for Bar while Leo is off doing things that seem a lot less important to me than hanging poolside with a bikini clad Bar. I can work late nights, early mornings, weekends, birthdays, holidays… seriously I’m available always.
My long overdue screenplay entitled “Kristen Stewart wants IT”. I mean technically anything can happen and I may actually finish writing something, right?
Kristen Stewart – she’s always a good topic. Kristen Stewart still wants IT. I’ve seen the pictures.
The “50 women over 60″ video and its 10,000+ views on youtube. Yes, it is doing pretty well. I wouldn’t mind if it gets 1,000,000 views, so if you all could work on that that would be great. Or
And click “funny”? Please.
The World Cup. I’m going to be so sad when it is over. Can we just start a second World Cup July 13th? That would be really helpful. I cannot be left in this humidity with only baseball to entertain me. Baseball hasn’t entertained me since pre-puberty. Not that either one has anything to do with the other, but it has just been awhile since I was at all interested in what happens in baseball.
Blowjobs for twitter followers if the Netherlands wins. So a Dutch pornstar named Bobbi Eden said if the Netherlands wins the World Cup then she’ll blowjob all of her twitter followers. Following this, three of her pornstar girlfriends said they would help in this venture and would call it #teambj. Following this, I became a twitter follower of all four said pornstars. So who am I rooting for in the final of Spain vs. Netherlands? Well, half of me wants Spain to win and half of me wants the Netherlands to win – the lower half, AM I RIGHT?
Honestly, I do like team Spain a lot. They have the best names. Xebi Alonso! XEBI ALONSO! ZH-EBBIE ALON-ZO! And, of course, I am a big fan of the “Most Insufferable Man” David Villa. I will say that if the Netherlands wins and I don’t get a beej for signing up for a free twitter account then I’ll be mad. I mean the Dutch owe us these blowjobs. Didn’t they start the slave trade? I’m not black and the slave trade didn’t really affect me too much, but seriously it wouldn’t hurt for them to give out free blowjobs to make up for it.
My irreverent thoughts on Avatar: The Last Airbender television series, which I finished watching last night. I finished watching the TV show last night and it is a great show. I highly recommend everyone to watch it. Great action, but also funny and thought provoking. My favorite two jokes of the show were in the same episode near the end of the series when Sokka and Zuko went to break Sokka’s dad out of jail. I won’t set up the jokes too much, but the two lines that killed me were -
1. When Sokka tries to sneak off into the night and Zuko catches him. Sokka confesses that he is sneaking off to break his father out of jail and he says to Zuko “are you happy now!?!” and Zuko responds “I’m never happy.” HAHAHAH
2. They are waiting to see who the new prisoners are who are arriving at the prison to see if one of them is Sokka’s dad. The first guy who is seen is covered in tattoos and has a nose ring and Zuko asks sincerely (since he doesn’t know who Sokka’s dad is) “is that your dad?” And Sokka responds “my dad doesn’t have a nose ring!” HAHAHAHAH
After watching the TV show, the movie looks so much worse in comparison. I thought it looked bad before and now it looks like an atrocity.
Why God exists and why moral relativism works if viewed through a prism of selflessness and inter-subjectivity. I’m over 3000 words already, so I’ll save this for another day.
Questions for Friday. “Welcome back, we missed you so much pictures of you trying your best wanting IT looks” pictures are appreciated as well.