She Says, “I Like The Nightlife, Baby”

I am sunburnt.

For all of yous who were worried about my pale white skin – GOOD NEWS – there is no need to worry anymore. I am a very rosy red right now. I look like I just finished a marathon except I’m not sweating. A non-sweating marathon runner. A non-sweating marathon runner who is nowhere in-shape enough to run a marathon or even a part of a marathon. That’s what I look like. An out of shape, non-sweating, marathon runner. Or some guy who HAD pale skin who was outside no where near an umbrella’s shade for a lot longer than he was expecting yesterday and is now sunburnt.

Wearing a suit is coming in quite handy today. Besides my face being burnt, so are my arms and part of my legs. The way people react to my sunburnt face is one thing, but if they saw my arms then they would probably quarantine me for anti-burn medication experiments.

I am tired. I am tired usually, but being sun burnt makes me feel even more tired. I am fairly energy free right now. I’m yawning. I’m also really missing the welcoming feeling of a cool dark room with a bed in it for me to just wait out this sunburn in.

Today’s post will be about pop music. Random, miscellaneous, stream of consciousness about some good ole’ fashioned chicks with good voices singing pop music. Today’s femme fatale artists are Selena Gomez, Orianthi and, of-fucking-course, Lady Gaga.

Selena Gomez

Until Saturday, I could have picked Selena Gomez out of a line-up and that’s about it. I knew of the existence of Selena Gomez. I knew she was some fabulous jail bait for the past few years. She is 17 and turning 18 this summer. I could only guess that she was in something for Disney. I could not tell you with certainty any movie or TV show or anything that she has been in. I am not sure I have ever even heard her talk. For the most part, I just know she is young, cute and it was a big deal when the paparazzi got pictures of her in a bikini once.  

What happened Saturday? I was confronted with the fact that I am a Selena Gomez fan. Who fucking knew? The past few weeks on the radio, I keep hearing this song with this great declaration chorus – “You are the thunder and I am the lightning!” I had no idea who sang it. As much pop radio as I listen to for whatever reason nowadays, I never seem to get a better grasp of the names of the artists who are singing these ridiculous songs. But I’ve been digging the song, mostly because of the chorus – “You are the thunder and I am the lightning!”

I had absolutely no clue that Selena Gomez sang this song or even what the song was called. It is “Naturally” by Selena Gomez & The Scene. I don’t know who “The Scene” is at all. I don’t know why exactly, but I never would have guessed that a brunette sang this song. In my mind, it was a Cascada looking lady. I was really expecting a blonde. Also, the video for the most part is a bad rip off of The White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army”. I would have made this video much better. I wouldn’t have ripped off The White Stripes. I would have ripped off “Fire” by Charlene – from the greatest movie ever The Last Dragon. Obviously, replace the “fire” with “thunder and lightning” and you have yourself a fucking VIDEO MUSIC AWARD 4 LIFE!

That chorus is perfect for my favorite over-the-top dramatic stage movements. “You are the thunder!” – That is a confident point right there. You don’t even have to point your finger, just a confident angular gesture with one or more fingers parallel to the ground. An outstretched arm with the fingers spread wide facing your target like you’re Magneto. Also for good measure you can add in a Shania Twain-esque rhythmic foot stomp. Oh I’m just making it perfectly obvious that you, yes you – the one I’m extended my arm to, are the thunder and I’m solidifying that point by stomping my foot along to this beat.

This is followed by the patented turn your hand inward into a fist and bringing it close to your chest – all dramatically – for “And I am the lightning!” It is a humbling moment for the both of us. You are the thunder and I am the lightning. It makes perfect fucking sense. This revelation that I am the lightning needs to be shown by myself capturing that knowledge with my hand and then bringing it close to my heart.

Feel free to compliment this classic dance movement with side-to-side head bobbing, hip shaking, foot stomping or flip of your hair. All this can be performed standing or sitting in your car while driving. If you are a straight male in his late 20’s with tattoos who spent much of his formative years at metal, hardcore and punk shows then I would suggest keeping your windows all the way rolled up and turn the air conditioning off just for the duration of this song. There is a conspiracy going around that when the air conditioning is on some of the music sounds actually leak out the vents and alert people of the outside world that you are listening to the girliest pop music and they should shame stare you.

Footnote: if you are stopped at a red light or all alone in your apartment with the shades pulled down, feel free to use both hands/arms ambidextrously. If you are using both arms and standing then you must run in place like you are a linebacker about to make a tackle. These are the laws of pop music; not my laws.

Orianthi

 

I have been meaning to write about “According to You” by Orianthi for a very long time. I had been worrying I was over saturating you all with the dissecting the lyrics of songs posts. So this won’t be a full run through of the lyrics, but a partial one. The song itself is a girl pop rocker similar to Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone” (which is the greatest song ever as we all know). The storyline in “According to You” is flat-out priceless!

Orianthi and “you” are going out. It seems like “you” and Orianthi have been going out for awhile too. Seems like “you” and Orianthi have not been getting along recently. It also seems like “you” have had some choice observations about Orianthi. Apparently, “you” said Orianthi was stupid, useless, she can’t do anything right, difficult, hard to please, and she has zero convictions. Then “you” can’t help “your”self and say Orianthi is a mess in a dress and not punctual. Sounds like there are problems in paradise, am I right?

Orianthi is sick of “you”. Orianthi’s solution is to get hit on perpetually by some other guy. More or less this song is Orianthi rationalizing cheating on “you” or dumping “you”. While “you” and Orianthi are in a fight, this new guy is telling Orianthi that she is the greatest, most interestingest, the bestest, prettiest girl in the world. This guy thinks Orianthi is beautiful, incredible, he can’t get her out of his head, she’s funny, irresistible and, the topper of toppers, Orianthi is everything he ever wanted.

What should “your” reaction be: what the eff, guy? Why don’t you stop hitting on my girlfriend? Of course, the new guy thinks you are incredible, irresistible, and he can’t get you out of his head – he just fucking met you. He hasn’t had the time to hear you belly ache about not having enough shoes or remember that time you got so drunk you threw up all over the back seat of my car? I’m sure the new guy would still think you are “everything he ever wanted” when that was going on. Asshole.

I’m not saying “you” isn’t an asshole as well. I don’t know “you”. “You” could be a total dickhead for all I know. But it just sounds like Orianthi is a little infatuated with what men like to call “new pussy”. At some point, a relationship stops being make-out sessions and steamy sex and turns into now we livin’ together. And in that world, the guy isn’t full of hyperbolic compliments and the gal becomes a nag. Why don’t you fix the garbage disposal? Why don’t you drive me to the mall? Why are you drunk at 2pm? Baseball is on! That’s why I’m drunk! Do you know how hard it is to watch baseball sober? It’s impossible. Also, it is 80 degrees out and I’m thirsty, so I’ve drank a 12 pack of beer. Do you want me to drink a 12 pack of Gatorade? Do you know how much sodium that would be? It would be unhealthy.

Lady Gaga

The ever amazing Lady Gaga is headlining Lollapalooza this year. I really want to go. There are an incredible amount of incredible bands playing this year and the Gaga is playing too. Dawgz had an ingenious idea that Lady Gaga should cover a Cars song, namely “Let’s Go”, at Lollapalooza. I have been twatting a variation of this sentiment everyday and will continue to.

The reason I think this is a brilliant idea is that it would fucking floor the hipster kids at Lollapalooza. The Cars are an excellent band from the 80’s with all the hit singles. If you’re listening to a song from the 80’s and you aren’t sure who sang it then there is a 75% chance The Cars sang it. And Lady Gaga is most definitely an 80’s creation. She sounds like Madonna, she sounds like Annie Lennox, she sounds and even looks like the 80’s.

The hipsters are going to be skeptical of Ms. Gaga. That’s what hipsters do – they’re cynical creatures. Cynical for the sake of being cynical. But Gaga is going to give them the dance party extravaganza that they know deep down they will love. But if she also extended a hipster olive branch and covered a rock song like “Let’s Go” she and the hipsters will mate for life!

And, seriously, what the fuck is Ric Ocasek up to that he couldn’t join Gaga on stage for this cover? I know that Ric still makes music and still has an INSANELY hot wife. He also does guest spots on the Colbert Report from time to time. So why not? Why not cover “Let’s Go” by The Cars? Why not have Ric Ocasek walk on stage during the second set of lyrics and blow all those stupid hipsters’ minds? Why the fuck not!?! Gaga did that duet with Elton John and that was cool, but Elton John is a duet whore. He’ll duet with anyone. I know I’ve dueted with Sir Elton at least twice and those are just the duets I remember. With all the coke we were doing Elton and I could have dueted 5 maybe even 6 times. A duet between Gaga and The Cars would be a billion times more unique.

So, I really would like this to happen. I’m not sure how to make it happen though. I am only one man, one man with a dream of Lady Gaga playing “Let’s Go” with Ric Ocasek at Lollapalooza. I will continue to post it on twitter. But if you all could share in this dream with me! Help me spread this message of fusing catchy 80’s synth rock and the GAGA! Petitions? Sure make a petition! Facebook pages? Start them! Please help me make this beautiful shining dream into a reality! We need to convince the Lady Gaga to do this.

If not for me, do it for the sake of the children. And helping out a sunburnt man.