It’s Time To Pretend All Movie Theaters Have Died… DEUX!

FEBRUARY MOVIES

motherfuckers

I left off with the month of January on Tuesday and then did not write anything on Wednesday and today is Thursday and it is the month of February ahead of us. MOVIES FROM THE FUTURE!

But first…

Against my better judgment I suppose, I follow many of you on Twitter and in doing so I cannot escape the sappy tsunami that is Twilight. I guess for you all that follow me you can say “against your better judgment” you follow me and in doing so you cannot escape “football” or random pop-culture references or inside jokes that only I get. Nevertheless, yesterday my timeline was hijacked by this image much like “FEATHERS!” did whenever that happened.

I will say that this picture out does FEATHERS! just by the sheer fact that that is the actors from the movie and I can see that instead of a hand, anyone’s hand, and some FEATHERS! At the same time, I really don’t find this picture in the least bit sexy or romantic. To be critical of the lighting and color and that they look like they may be inches from the Earth’s Sun or how blown out (not sexual) they look from all the white so really all that is distinguishable is Kristen’s hair and his knuckles next to her hair.

More than anything I think the dumb point of this is that with Kristen’s eyes closed, unemotional look on her face, and in an odd position of lightly grazing Rob’s chin with the back of her index finger – she could be a mannequin or dead and rigor mortise has set in or they’re role-playing and Kristen Stewart is Helen Keller and Rob Pattinson is Annie Sullivan. At second glance it sort of looks like Rob has his eyes closed as well. Maybe they can’t open their eyes because there is a billion watt bulb burning a hole through the right side of their bodies because the director thought that would look good. Or maybe they are having Stevie Wonder sex.

Seriously, are there no blind people who are famous post Stevie Wonder? (David Patterson excluded because he is only regionally famous)

MOVIES!

The Roommate

There have been an ass ton of movies where one girl gets obsessed with another one and then that first one ends up trying to kill the other one so she can become her. Because there are so many movies with this plot, I can only naturally assume this is happening in real life. So think about the girls you are friends with. Think about the one that most closely resembles yourself. Now realize that at some point she may try to kill you and take your life or vice vera and you’ll do that to her. So start your preparations for either eventuality.

Single White Female was one of the better movies of this type, but the real reason to see this movie is that Leighton Meester is hot…

and Minka Kelly is hot…

And they do look remarkably similar. It’s like the Jay Chou and John Cho thing all over again except I don’t have to make a life changing decision or have a long talk with my parents about me wanting to have sex with these two in a faux twins threesome.

But there is the internet so you can look up pictures of them on the internet or even look up Leighton’s foot fetish sex porn and save the $10 it would be to see this movie.

Sanctum

The only reason I mention this movie is because it is in 3D! Outside of that, it is about a bunch of deep sea researchers off the coast of South Africa I think and they get caught underwater with little amount of supplies and it is a race against time whether they get out or not. They knew the risks. I’m just betting they die and never seeing this movie ever. Sanctum? Pfffttt…

The Eagle

If the Roman Empire could see now what horrendous movies they spawn on the reg they wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble and let the Germanic tribes take them over long long long ago. Wow. I really thought we as a people had done enough to the memory of arguably the greatest empire in history and then we went all Channing Tatum on their ass. I don’t wish upon my worst enemy Channing Tatum. That kid has a nack for making horrendous movies in a way I did not know was possible. Has anyone seen Fighting? Oof. Arguably the best bit of acting Channing Tatum has done was being shot in the back to death at 100 yards by Christian Bale in Public Enemies. That movie sucked as well, by the way. There really should be a moratorium placed on making films about Rome because for what is the basis of the American educational system’s history department for much of your life – no one knows dick about it and is doing a terrible job representing it.

Don’t see this movie. Go watch anything else.

Gnomeo & Juliet

From the “genius” who brought us Shrek 2, comes a kids version of Romeo & Juliet, but with gnomes. Get it? Me neither. I’d rather get shot in the shoulder with a bullet than see this movie. I’d rather learn the pain of a metal bullet with the force of a thousand hammers tear through my flesh and most likely break a bone or two than see this movie. Unless… in the end “Gnomeo” drinks poison and the gnome Juliet stabs herself to death because that I might pay to see.

Just Go With It

This movie title could not be any more appropriate. In Adam Sandler’s new movie he is a guy who picks up Brooklyn Decker… right there “just go with it” is very appropriate. Are we the audience supposed to believe that Adam Sandler is attracting this…

I have more faith in this world that there is a planet out there called “Pandora” and there are big blue monkeys that play basketball and act like Native Americans who are defending some natural resource that our government is secretly mining for meanwhile these same long blue monkeys ride pterodactyls by sticking their tail in the others’ tail… than Adam Sandler having sex with Brooklyn Decker.

Anyway, for some reason in the movie Sandler has to pretend he is married and Jennifer Aniston is the chick he pretends he’s married to. How convenient I suppose. The movie’s title is in reference to Jen’s character and her kids’ characters that they’re just supposed to “go with it” so Sandler can convince Decker that she is to be with him. I think the title is really a reference that if you like Adam Sandler and you still consider yourself a fan then you’re just supposed to “go with it” as he makes another terrible film where he is sexing up women you honestly don’t believe he could ever get in real life and you’re hoping he’ll decide to make a movie that is funny a few years from now.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

I know little to nothing about Bieber, which is how I like it. I have no idea what “never say never” is in reference to, but it seems wildly out of place for a kid who I believe is 7 years old and is a multi-millionaire and is always trending on twitter to such a degree I’m pretty sure that twitter doesn’t allow his name to be in the trending topics because it would always be there making everyone else feel less important. Is “never say never” about us expecting him to have a concert film in theaters across the nation? Because I would have said that is definitely happening. There have been by my calculations ONE HUNDRED Jonas Brothers concert movies in theaters, so Bieber getting one is not in the least bit surprising.

I re-watched the VMAs the other day and I stand by my assessment of Justin Bieber: Michael Jackson would have molested the shit out of that kid.

The Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son

Quick review: if it ain’t broke then don’t fix it. Martin Lawrence as an enormous old black woman is gold. Apparently any black man as an enormous old black woman is gold. It worked for Eddie Murphy, it has worked and worked and worked and worked times INFINITY for Tyler Perry and it has worked 3x now for Martin Lawrence.

If I have any advice for Jay Pharaoh on Saturday Night Live it would be QUIT! That show fucking sucks! Jim Carrey was just the host of the show and it was terrible! Secondly, I would say to Jay that he should get a prosthetic mold done of him as a ginormous grandmother with type 2 diabetes and a fashion sense of Mrs. Buttersworth and start working on his fart jokes and prat falls because that is where the money is.

I Am Number Four

Hello there, Teresa Palmer. This lovely lady is I Am Number Four. That’s about it. The rest of the movie appears to be a shitty superhero movie trying to appear to YOU ALL the Twilighters. They’re in high school, they’re all full of angst. I even read an article that I imagine Yahoo was paid to specifically write by the producers of this movie trying to link this movie and Twilight. Will it be the next Twilight? That’s what they asked. Well… no.

No it will not. I Am Number Four will be no more popular than any other movie that comes out in February. Why won’t it be Twilight? Well there are no vampires. Surprisingly enough there are no vampires in this movie. It may be the only movie that has no vampires in it. There are so many vampire, zombie, and alien movies nowadays.

Secondly, there is no FEATHERS and there is no Stevie Wonder sex. So, what does have I Am Number Four have? Teresa Palmer probably doing not too much and probably some shitty fight scenes where the main character whines that he doesn’t want all this pressure of having super hero powers.

I don’t think anyone is planning on seeing this movie anyway, so I’ll just say you should be drinking more water in your daily diet. Just a helpful hint. Also, reduced fat peanut butter is in a lot of ways worse for you than regular peanut butter. And if you are in an elevator and you hold the button of the floor you want to go to and the door close button at the same time it should take you directly to that floor without stopping.

Drive Angry 3D

Let’s not. Nic Cage! If you weren’t satisfied with skipping Season of the Witch and wanted to skip another new Nicolas Cage movie this year then your wait is almost over. Drive Angry 3D is a movie that was specifically designed for the third dimension and for you to wear those stupid glasses to see this shitty movie. Just don’t see it. I know you won’t, but I feel obligated to say don’t. If you want to get high and go see a movie then just don’t choose this one. Choose any number of movies. Just get high and rent something. Stay off the roads. No one needs you high and driving. Just get blazed and rewatch Pineapple Express it will be infinitely more enjoyable.

Two more to go…

Hall Pass

Out of all these movies, Hall Pass may actually render some laughs in a good way. Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis are two married guys who somehow get their wives to allow them to have a “hall pass” or a week off from marriage to try and get laid with some strange pussy. I get what the ladies think in this movie that their two out of touch husbands wouldn’t be able to pull it off and they’re calling their bluff. I’m not so sure that is the best idea for two men who snagged Christina Applegate and Jenna Fischer. I mean they somehow got them right? That’s like a guy running a 6 minute mile being dared to run another mile in under 8 minutes. That seems like a losers bet.

Either way, it is a pretty good cast and I bet Sudeikis and Wilson garner at least a few laughs. But it is coming out in February, so it probably won’t be a cult classic or anything.

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Liam Neeson.

February is the month of good looking wives. In this movie, Liam Neeson is married to January Jones. Jeebus, right? And I believe it. I buy that. I buy that Liam Neeson gets January Jones. It is crazier to think that the reality in this world is that Jason Sudeikis I believe is with January Jones, but I definitely see Liam Neeson with JJ and pissing off every man inside when they pass by, but earning a ton of respect. Nevertheless… Liam Neeson.

A couple years ago, Liam was in a movie called Taken. That movie and Unknown look remarkably similar that they could be movies that were made a year or two earlier and are just coming out now just for the hell of it because it is a weak month of movies. The movie is a mystery thriller and at some point Liam will shoot a guy with a gun and commit hand-to-hand combat on somebody’s broke ass.

I wouldn’t fuck with Liam Neeson. In the twilight of this man’s life, Liam Neeson has been undergoing a ton of hand-to-hand combat training. No idea why, but this man is well-prepared for any mugging. I wouldn’t mess with him. He’s tall, he is trained self-defense and regardless of age or looks – if you’re white -> you’re fucking Liam Neeson… or I should say would. So, Liam has all my respect.

You don't fuck with Liam Neeson; He fucks with you.

QUESTIONS FOR FRIDAY!?!?!?!?!

KSWI Guest Blogger Thursday: PWG Edition

Editor’s note: Thank you to PWG for this post and I am definitely already calling her bluff on a second guest post. Voting for the KSWI contest ends tonight, so get your votes in. I won’t say who voted for who so anonymity is safe. Vote at jordankswi@gmail.com – 1st, 2nd, 3rd choices. I’m going to go find a cure for my cold – I believe it rhymes with shmalcohol schmoup.

“Mnemosyne, Daughter of Uranus”‎

Today is not Wednesday. Wednesdays are the days when Common Taters who have their shit together are encouraged to guest post. You do the math.

This is not an educational post, but I have Greek gods on the brain. I’ve half-watched the Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief DVD two hundred times this month for my kids’ sake, and not because I find Logan Lerman strangely charismatic in it.

I also saw the new Clash of the Titans movie, which has managed to do what even The Phantom Menace could not: kill my Liam Neeson ladyboner.

The Realm of Hades always gets a bad rap, but it wasn’t all tortured dead people and foggy rivers in the Underworld. The Elysian Fields were there for the virtuous, and they were pretty close to the modern image of Heaven. Okay, Tartarus wasn’t great if you’re not a fan of torture, rape and disembowelment, but if you didn’t fuck around with any of the gods’ spouses, kids or lovers you were probably just going to the Asphodel Meadows. Asphodel was a kind of Limbo for people who hadn’t done anything spectacularly good or evil – a meadow full of flowers with no vampires of the homicidal or boxteasing persuasion.

No Means No, Hades

Beyond the Fields of Asphodel were two pools: Lethe and Mnemosyne. The dead drank from Lethe to erase all memory of their lives so they could be reborn, or from Mnemosyne to preserve their living memories and eventually pass into the Elysian Fields.

This week I had the fucking bright idea of channeling the deity Mnemosyne and reminding everyone of all the fantastic things that have been posted on this website over the past year. I had in mind a sort of quick and dirty best-of-the-best primer for new readers. Turns out there’s just so much. 1.1 million words, to put a fine point on it. I downloaded everything going back to July 2009 and started sorting. I narrowed the fields down to Want FAQ, Timeline, Common Taters, Other People Who Want IT, Notable Quotes, Educational Posts, Jordan and Nicknames. The problem was that it’s all so hysterical that I kept getting sucked into reading every single thing all over again, over a year’s worth of posts and comments.

I’m going to have to guest post on an actual Wednesday to show you what I found. For instance, from the July 8, 2009 inception it took only 34 days before we got our first MS Paint job:

Seriously, How Did I Not Notice This?

August 14th brought the first declaration of love and a marriage proposal (Nicole), and on August 21st we received the bounty of the first spontaneous “That’s What She Said.” (Proselyte3) The post delivering the most comments was October 21st – Haiku Day! I didn’t remember when we were told that Abe Vigoda Wants IT (true), or “I’m not saying Kristen Stewart is immortal. Only her Wanting IT is. Kristen Stewart is just as susceptible to deadly noxious fumes as an ordinary house cat.” (Jordan)

I have the Commenting Staff sorted by who’s posted the most, and compiled factoids from their comments into consolidated biographies. Sure, you’ll identify the Australian with an Emma Watson obsession, but who joined the Big Love polygamist commune initially as Wife #13, only to abdicate her throne twice because a) Jordan watched Twilight with no sound and b) he’s too smart? This common tater would switch sides for Ashley Greene but prefers Jackson Rathbone. She’s married and has a taste for Mute Math, ice cream and hockey. We miss you, Crystal.

Who nicknamed Jordan “WantWard” and “Jordicorn” for God’s sake?! Wet yourself all over again with Jordan’s breakdown of his hairiness graph! Witness the birth of perverted punctuation! Since Jordan’s already having heart palpitations about the excessive tardiness of my submission today, I’ll leave you with two of the best quotes and see you back here on another Wednesday. Or a Thursday, fuck, I doubt I’m suddenly getting an au pair/personal assistant this month or anything.

“I say let the crazy run free and we’ll see where booze, gelato and cartoons can take us.” – HeyyyBrother

“Wanting IT is not simply stored with inside the slight, pale, fleshy confines of Kristen Stewart or even in her spiky mullet. It is in the air we breathe. It is in the water we drink. It is in the alcohol that soaked all my bodily tissue this past Sunday. It is in the warmth of the Sun. It is in the chill of the morning breeze. It is in the electric moment when you catch eyes with another. It is in smell of the changing seasons. It is the coarseness of beach sand. It is in the feather soft touch of 2-ply toilet paper. It is in the notes of a love song. It is in the words of Robert Frost. It is in the stride of a blitzing cornerback who isn’t going to be picked up in time by the fullback. It is, hopefully, in these daily posts I write. And, of course, it is in Kristen Stewart.” – Jordan Newmark

“The Runaways” and “Clash of the Titans”

The Runaways vs. Clash of the Titans

Clash of the Runaways

The Runaway Titans

The Ruclawashys of the TITANAWAYS!

Besides rubbing elbows, and some other body parts AM I RIGHT!?!, with crazy homeless alien jazz musicians and drunk chicks with potty mouths this weekend – I viewed two films with both my EYES and EARS! Las peliculas son The Runaways y Clash of the Titans!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AND THEY WERE MAGNIFICENT!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! MY BRAIN IS ON FIRE!!!!!!!! THE COMPETITION!!! THE EMOTION!!! THE SWORD FIGHTS!!! THE MYTHICAL BEASTS!!! THE YOUNG GIRLS WITHOUT MUCH CLOTHES!!!! AHHH!!!!!

My inner-monologue right now is going crazy. This potent cocktail mix is one part large iced coffee that I chugged, one part annoying conversation from co-morkers, and one part “AGGRESSIVE THURSDAY”! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! SHUT UP CO-MORKERS!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I’m using my hands to create a golden spire of comedy out of this malleable blank word document page!!! SHUT!!! UP!!!

To be transparent for a moment — it is 9:53 am. I will not be able to write until this FUCKING CONVERSATION ENDS!!!! It is 9:56 am and I’m back. I feel like I can’t breathe when someone is having a conversation that I can’t stand. Probably because if I allowed myself to breathe I would yell, “THIS IS THE MOST BORING CONVERSATION EVER! ISN’T THERE A BORING CONFERENCE ROOM YOU COULD HAVE YOUR COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY BORING CONVERSATION IN!?!”

I did see The Runaways and Clash of the Titans. They were not magnificent. That was a little hyperbolic. They were both entertaining and I’m glad I saw them. Today, I will set your intrigue level even higher by drawing the vivid parallels between both films. But if you are looking for the short answer on whether you should see these movies or not given the opportunity: yes, you should see them.

Little bit longer answer: if you do want to see these two movies already then you should see them. If you have wild expectations for these movies like they will redefine what you know as truth, morality and justice then don’t see these movies. Never see those movies. Your expectations for a movie need to be comparable to what the actual movie is. Don’t expect Clash of the Titans to give you a good Forrest Gump-everything-in-the-world-is-beautiful-even-when-it-is-simplisitc-and-sad-and-we-all-should-love-each-other-with-the-small-amount-of-time-we-have cry, because that will not happen. You should see Clash of the Titans if you want to see a giant sea monster. That’s about it. If you are not into seeing a giant sea monster then DON’T FUCKING SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE!!! So, if you have a sane set of expectations for these two movies and you still want to see them then go see them.

A lot longer answer: Kristen Stewart kisses Dakota Fanning!!!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!! Kristen also kisses some other chick just for the hell of it. Seriously, that does happen. Both movies are quite entertaining and both have some “remarkable” “similarities”. I’m not saying that the Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning all girl rock and roll 80’s movie is the exact same movie as Sam Worthington’s war against the Greek Gods movie. But what I’m presupposing is – what if they are?

Exhibit A: Bad News Bears

The Runaways and Clash of the Titans are focused around the journey of two groups of misfits taking on an insurmountable opposition. In The Runaways, our merry band of hot teen chick actors play a merry band of hot teen chick musicians – pretty good, right? Their mission is to form the first ever successful all girl rock and roll band. There is Dakota Fanning as the platinum blonde bombshell lead singer. Kristen Stewart is the oil black guitarist with mystique and throaty vocals. Stella Maeve is the sun kissed beach bodied drummer. Scout Taylor-Compton is the slick soloing guitarist who has boobs. And Alia Shawkat is the bassist who also has boobs.

The breakdown of the movie is pretty much Dakota, Kristen, Michael Shannon as the band manager (I’ll talk about him later). The actor with the fourth most screen time is probably Riley Keough who plays Dakota’s older sister- she is excellent looking as well. The rest of The Runaways have little to do besides look like attractive young ladies who play instruments. Stella Maeve has a few lines early on, but disappears as the movie continues. Scout Taylor-Compton has a couple lines, which feel like they are only in there so the other characters can respond, “Shut up, Lita Ford” just so they can remind people Lita Ford was also in The Runaways. And lastly, Alia Shawkat from Arrested Development fame is funnily enough playing a fictional character named “Robin” since the real bassist, Jackie Fox, I guess wouldn’t sign off on this movie. I honestly don’t remember hearing Alia say anything in the movie. So Stella, Scout and Alia are background eye candy for the most part.

Clash of the Titans also features a merry band of merry bandsmen who appear to be polar opposites on the surface, but really they all are big softies who kiss and hug and read each other bedtime stories. FAGS! Just joking. Sam Worthington is the EM-EFF-ING M-A-N in blockbuster action movies right now. You may recall Sam was in Terminator: Salvation, Avatar and, now, Clash of the Titans. I enjoyed all three of these movies. I think Terminator is my favorite of the three. I know a lot of people did not like that movie, but a lot of people are fucking stupid and those two categories overlap nicely. I think Clash of the Titans has more replay value than Avatar since a lot of Avatar is based around “surprise” and “revelation”. It is supposed to be mystifying the first time you see “Pandora” or the “Na’vi” et cetera and this becomes less mystifying with additional viewings or I’m guessing it will – I really don’t care if I ever see Avatar again and I enjoyed it.

Sam plays balls confidence and furiously angry Perseus. Sam is the front man of this group of vengeful marauders and Dakota is the front woman for The Runaways. So, Sam is Dakota. And Dakota was in a movie called I Am Sam. AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! THE UNIVERSE IS IMPLODING!!!!! Sam’s second in command is his no nonsense and conservative voice of reason Mads Mikkelsen aka Draco. Mads is fine as the straight talk express right hand man, but for the ladies they kind of lose out. Mads is a handsome man (voted best looking Dane, I believe) and in this movie he looks like he attends every Phish concert ever. Anyway, Sam and Mads are accompanied by several other men in leather skirts, sweaty muscles and sharp edged weapons. Very similar to The Runaways, most of these guys do not have many lines. They are pretty much just standing around or randomly swinging a sword as eye candy. Especially this sexy ass motherfucker:

Exhibit B: Grumpy Old Men

Besides scantily clad females — OH MY FUCKING GOD! THESE CO-MORKERS ARE TALKING AGAIN!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!! WHY CAN’T THEY JUST NOT TALK!?! — They stopped. Where was I? Oh right, “scantily clad females”. This movie is more or less Dakota Fanning’s sexual coming out party. She parades around in almost nothing for a lot of the movie. She also engages in sex and so forth. She does a great job with all of it considering this Cherie Currie character is completely different than anything else she has played. Nevertheless, the one actor who steals all scenes he is in is Michael Shannon as band manager Kim Fowley.

Michael Shannon really kills it in pretty much every scene he is in. This “exhibit” title is a little deceiving because Michael is only 36 years old, but in comparison to his jailbait co-stars he is ancient. Shannon plays Fowley as a  angry, sexual, near violent, manipulative and at the same time oddly intellectually nurturing band manager. There are several reoccurring band practice scenes where Shannon as Fowley gets a chance to really show off with an over-the-top, but in your face performance each time. Ostensibly, he is a very opinionated, aggressive and colorful man who is 20 years older than these recently lost their innocence teen girls who want to play in a band together. He is barking at them to be sexier, to be tougher, to think with their cocks. They are definitely crowd pleasing scenes. And at the same time, Shannon is the constant throughout the movie. He has seen the lure of rock and roll life before where as Kristen, Dakota and the rest of the girls have not. He is the constant ushering us through.

The “grumpy old men” who do the same for Clash of the Titans are Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes. At 57 and 47 respectively, neither is “50 over 60 list” old, but slap on an unnecessarily long beard and wig and they certainly look the part. Liam Neeson plays Zeus and Ralph Fiennes plays Hades. Fowley in The Runaways is part older good guy and part older bad guy, Zeus and Hades are that together. It seems like nowadays if Fiennes is in a movie then he is the archetypal epitome of evil incarnate and that doesn’t change much in this movie. Hades is the bad guy. He is the mastermind of the whole ordeal. If you think this is a spoiler than you’re an idiot – LOOK AT THE GUY!

All in black, his voice is decrepit, he has a hunchback and he shoots fire! These are generally all bad guy territory. Lord of the Underworld? That usually does not appear on the resume of your “hero”. Zeus, on the other hand, is a little more complex. He is good, but is swayed to do bad things. Hey, nobody is perfect – even the most powerful God in the world. Both Fiennes and Neeson give very dramatic and almost Broadway stage style performances. They’re pretty cheesy and magnanimous, but how else would you expect “Gods” to act. “Hey there Zeus, it’s Apollo. I just wanted to see if you wanted to watch last night’s Gossip Girl? I DVRed it. It’s kind of a guilty pleasure of mine. So give me a ring back on my cell phone when you get this. Or you can text me. I, the Sun God Apollo, love texting. Latez!”

Zeus doesn’t know how to text! He only knows how to make proclamations! And, shoot lightning bolts and be a God and stuff.

Finally…

Exhibit C: Godzilla ; Jaws ; King Kong ; Snakes on a Plane

Let’s stop bullshitting around for a minute. Everyone is seeing each of these movies respectively for one thing:

UNLIMITED POWER!!!!

For Clash of the Titans it is the KRAKEN!!

For The Runways it is the WANT!!

People go see monster movies for the fucking monster. You watch Jaws to see the damn shark. You watch Godzilla to see GODZILLA! You watch Snakes on a Plane because it the greatest waste of time EVER! I like Jack Black a lot. I like Naomi Watts a lot. There are times when I like Adrian Brody. But I saw that movie because motherfucking KING KONG was in it. King Kong, bitches! And that is the same logic for these two movies.

The Kraken is an unstoppable hellish creation of size, weight, teeth, tentacles, and destruction whose power is so great it scares the Gods shitless.

The Want is an unstoppable, unflinching, unblinking, never ending, boner creating, orgasm delivering, sex flush painting, heavy breathed fuck whisper deep in your … ear drum that owns all of your souls and you love it.

So if you get tired of the early summer heat this weekend then go see these movies.

And the Want would fuck the Kraken rotten – if you were wondering.