Analytical Dissection of Jason Derulo’s “Ridin’ Solo”

Jason Derulo and I have a lot in common. We are so alike in so many ways, so much so that I have been described as the “White Jason Derulo” or the “Jewish Jason Derulo” or if they are in a rush and not necessarily PC “Jason Jew-rulo”. I have also been mistaken for Jason Derulo on occasion, but to be honest it was pretty dark in that hotel room and it was Jason Derulo’s hotel room and I did sneak into that hotel room through the window and I was responding in a falsetto pitch “Yes, I’m Jason Derulo.”

Nevertheless, Jason Derulo and I share a bond.

I am 100% certain everyone has heard his first single “In My Head”. I can’t even imagine living in a cave would save you from hearing that song. I feel there is a high percentage chance people tracked you down in that cave, roofied your canteen water, held you down and forced you to listen to “In My Head”. The song is everywhere! It will find you! “In My Head” is where I learned about this unspoken kinship between myself and Jason. The long and short of the song, when a pretty girl walks past Jason Derulo at a club – he immediately starts imagining himself fucking said girl in his head. I DO THAT TOO! Isn’t that crazy!?!

Hearing “In My Head” for the first time was like reading Kierkegaard for the first time: other people think this way too! Thank the GD-ing Lord! I instantly felt a connection between Jason and I that we both see a random hot girl in a bar and we start undressing her in our heads and imagine that she is just attacking our wangs like it is the last boss of Contra – fast, hard and constant efficient movement. With that being said, I decided to seek out Jason Derulo’s second single “Ridin’ Solo”.

Much like “In My Head”, this new opus is oddly similar to how I live my life or want to. The lyrics are a poetic masterpiece and the video is a Thanksgiving feast of visual delights. Let’s take this journey together as I examine the lyrical wonder and the fascinating video for Jason Derulo’s “Ridin’ Solo”. The lyrics will be in bold and my keen observations will be in the normal font that looks like everything else so far minus the word bold.

But – before we start – there is a preface to the video that is not in the song. We see Jason sitting at his piano and he is repeating over and over “Love made me blind”. No! Noooo! Derulo is blind! NO!!!! Actually, I believe it is a metaphor. Metaphorically, love has made Jason blind. What love? Or for who?

Yowzahs! Jason Derulo is not blind because that chick is hot. But I guess the point is that she is a bitch. This hot bitch’s hotness blinded Jason from seeing what a bitch she is for him to have put up with this bitchiness for so long before they finally separated. For her sake, I hope he broke up with her because if she broke up with Jason Derulo then she has got to be kicking herself for that. She threw away a fucking lottery ticket! Unless she moved on and wooed the illegal Justin Bieber, not many artists are more popular right now than Mr. D-E-R-U-L-O. Either way, this hot chick in the picture is out of the picture in terms of Jason Derulo’s personal life. AM I RIGHT!?!

Onto the actual jam…

Yeeeeeyeeeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I’m feeling like a star, you can’t stop my shine,
I’m loving cloud nine, my head’s in the sky,
I’m solo, I’m riding solo,
I’m riding solo, I’m ridin solo, sooloooo.

Isn’t his voice just magical!?!

Jason is in an upbeat mood to say the least. He is finally free of that bitch who was just draining his life force like a Midgar mako reactor in Final Fantasy VII and now he is excited to be on his own. This is Jason Derulo’s time, you scum sucking bitch! You soft skinned, but cancerous evil hearted vile succubus wench! You pretty faced jizzrag whore of… whew, I need to calm down. I just can’t stand to think she hurt Jason Derulo in anyway. He is a wonderful unique flame in this dark world. I mean seriously- how many young, black, soft singing, auto-tune using, dances like Michael Jackson, and writes pop-dance songs guys can you think of? Like 100 probably, but 100 out of 6 billion people on the planet is a pretty rare commodity statistically speaking.

Yeah, I’m feeling good tonight, finally doing me and it feels so right, oh,
Time to do the things I like,
going to the club everything’s alright, oh,

At first, I won’t lie, I thought he was talking about jerking off. He’s “riding solo”, he’s feeling good, he’s “finally doing me and it feels so right”… “oh”… It is an honest mistake. Maybe she was around his place all the time never giving him a moment’s peace to do some TCOB-ing of himself. I’m just saying it has to be done every so often… every day… every 4-6 hours … but I get he means he is talking about how she made him do all the stupid girly stuff she wanted to do and now he can do all the manly stuff he wants to do: going to a fancy club to get drunk and dance his ass off. And, “ridin’ solo” just sounds like a good euphemism for masturbating.

No one to answer to,
no one that’s gonna argue, no,
And since I got the hold off me,
I’m living life now that I’m free, yeah,

Until I read the lyrics, I though Derulo said “And since I got the ho off me”. Maybe I was hoping that is what he said. I think if Derulo had the chance to re-record this song he would see that “ho” fits ever better than “hold”. Also, it is just fun to refer to someone as a “ho”. It always puts a smile on your face. Try and call someone a “ho” without smiling. Actually, I dare you to do so. Go out, leave work, go find someone, whatever you have to do and call them a “ho”. Your face will light up with an ear to ear smile. Depending on who you singled out as a “ho”, you might want to start running or get ready for a fist fight because as pleasurable as it is to call someone a “ho”, people don’t take too kindly to being called a “ho”.

Telling me to get my shit together
now I got my shit together, yeah,
Now I made it through the weather
better days are gonna get better

Jason is a little pissed. The “ho” comment seems to fit even better now. Get your shit together, Jason Derulo! Oh I got my shit together! I’m writing pop songs that please the ear holes of billions, you cantankerous ho! I am a little worried about what is Jason’s underlying reason to go out to this club tonight. He is “riding solo”, which means he is going to a bar by himself to do what he wants to do: get drunk and dance. That doesn’t sound too positive. I mean Aretha Franklin sang about getting “respect” where as Derulo may be developing an angry post break-up drinking problem. Hey Jason, how are things? Great, man. I’ve been going out drinking by myself pretty consistently since the relationship ended. Uhhhhh, that’s not what I was hoping to hear. Maybe you should pick up a hobby or learn a new language or better yourself somehow instead of drinking in public. Nope, I got this. I’m drinking and dancing by myself is the only way I’m going to get through this.

I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out I’m moving on,
I’m so sorry but it’s over now,
the pain is goooone,

That pain is only temporarily “goooone” because Jason is self-medicating with the relief of alcoholic intoxication and dancing intoxication. We may need to help Jason set some long term goals. Either way, we can’t stop him now because Jason is going out to the club whether we want him too or not.

Here is Jason checking himself out in his three mirror set-up. He is not taking a quick peek at how he looks in his “threads” (that’s what the cool kids call “clothes”… in 2003), but he is performing some of his/Usher’s/Michael Jackson’s/You Got Served/Step Up 1,2,3-D dance moves in front of the mirror. This is eerily similar to how I get ready for a night out. If I’m getting the newspaper or going to an underground dance competition, I always practice some of my moves in front of a three section mirror. Let’s get a closer look of what Jason is wearing because it is…

AMAZING! Holy shit, I want that jacket! It has a ridge of spikes running along his arms like he is a modest member of the Legion of Doom. That is what I call “post-apocalyptic-chic”. I fucking love it. My life would be complete if I had that jacket and the confidence or delusion to wear it. What was thinking behind this jacket? I’m thinking I want a nice light fitting jacket that I can wear to the club and dance in and at the same time be perfectly ready if a street fight turf war breaks out at anytime.

Yeah, I’m looking good. Good and deadly. A forearm from me and I’ll turn your face into Swiss cheese, motherfucker. I feel like this only adds to my worry about Jason going drinking in the club by himself, now that he is clearly armed with a set of spikes running the length of both arms. Also, he better not trip or he’ll turn his flashy new jacket into an iron maiden.

I’m putting on my shades
to cover up my eyes,
I’m jumpin’ in my ride,
I’m heading out tonight,
I’m solo, I’m riding solo,
I’m riding solo, I’m riding solo, sooloooo.
I’m feeling like a star, you can’t stop my shine,
I’m loving cloud nine, my head’s in the sky.
I’m solo, I’m riding solo,
I’m riding solo, I’m riding solo, sooloooo.

I’m not exactly sure why he needs to “cover up my eyes”. Are his eyes red? Are they red from getting high, crying or filled with murderous rage wearing his street warfare jacket? As far as Jason’s ride goes…

He likes to keep it affordable with a Honda. It’s nice to see that Jason’s success hasn’t kept him from spending a reasonable amount of money on a sporty, but economic car. Honda’s have a great track record. Probably gets great gas mileage. Although, it is starting to sink in that when he said he is “riding solo” he literally meant it. Jason is driving himself to the club to go get angry drunk and dance. I would rather he have called a car service of some sort because it’s not like bars try and stop you from drunk driving home. Hopefully, Jason is planning on driving over to the club, leaving his car there, and taking a cab home. *fingers crossed*.

Now I’m feeling how I should,
never knew single could feel this good, oh,
Stop playing miss understood,
back in the game, who knew I would, oh,
So flex how I spread my wings, loving myself makes me wanna sing, oh,
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

And loving himself he surely does. Just look at his dance move…

I’m the best. I’m the best.

I’m starting to get a little worried about our boy Jason Derulo. He is clearly drunk in the club on vodka and cranberry juice or champagne and cognac or whatever Derulo uses as his dancing fuel. He’s drunk, he’s dancing with his thumbs pointed to himself, he is wearing a spiked jacket out of The Warriors.

Telling me to get my shit together
now I got my shit together, yeah,
Now I made it through the weather
better days are gonna get better

Also, he is ruminating over this “getting his shit together”. Jason Derulo may have an OCD because of this break-up. Doesn’t he have any friends he can talk to? Did she take all their friends in the break-up? Because, whatever friends you do make at a dance club, drunk, dancing and wearing a dinner coat more applicable for the Thunderdome are not friends you want to keep.

I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out I’m moving on,
I’m so sorry but it’s over now,
the pain is goooone,

Just keep telling yourself that Jason.

At some point in the video, Jason finds himself at his destination: the club. There are a lot of beautiful young people at the club and everyone looks happy and no one looks disturbed about Jason’s not-so-concealed weapon jacket. But one thing is going on in the club, which is truly frightening…

THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE! Going to a club and seeing cute chicks with an iPad filling out their PlentyofFish.com profile. Open your damn eyes! There are men in front of you! These online dating websites seem harmless enough, but at the same time will cause the destruction of our society. I will fully admit that I have a dating profile set-up on PlentyofFish’s competitor’s site, OkCupid. In a world where I believe I am liberal and open minded and I voted twice for a black president and I eat falafel and I watch foreign films and I think gay marriage should be legal (if not mandatory in some cases, who do some of these gays think they are having all this fun without worrying about marriage or accidentally knocking some one night stand up), but I have judged people. JUDGED PEOPLE! Thousands upon thousands, I have judged. And they have judged me.

It doesn’t take much. Not only can you easily disregard someone for a shitty profile picture or just a “not perfect” profile picture, but you can completely dismiss them if they haven’t answered what their favorite music is perfectly to your liking. They like Broken Social Scene – good. They like Spoon – good. They like Marcy’s Playground – WHAT THE FUCK!?! Seriously!!!?!??!?!?!!? I mean sure, who doesn’t like “Sex and Candy”, but the rest of the Marcy’s Playground catalog!?! THAT’S INSANITY! No one should like them that much that they would put them on this definitive list of music they like forever and ever!

Even more, OkCupid, as well as these other sites, don’t even allow this said imaginary Marcy’s Playground loving person to have their own page without reminding this visiting judge there are other people on this site “similar” to this person, but maybe better for you because they are “less kinky” or “more spiritual”. First, how the fuck does OkCupid no who is more or less “kinky”? Is there some formula out there that can take me liking “Talladega Nights”, “The Wire” and “The Pixies” and figure out what level kinkiness I am? If so, I WANT TO SEE IT!

Even more even more, is that OkCupid is constantly reminding you about how many people are out there on this website. 30,000 singles are online right now! Why settle for a person who you have never met or talked to with even one minor discrepancy on their profile. She likes Atonement? That’s it, we would never get along and we could never agree or laugh or talk about anything because that will be the subtext to all of our interactions. I like Italian food too. Yeah, bitch, but you also liked Atonement and that movie sucked! I don’t care that James McAvoy died and you do and we just cannot coexist.

Hmmmm… back to the song.

I’m putting on my shades
to cover up my eyes,
I’m jumpin’ in my ride,
I’m heading out tonight,
I’m solo, I’m riding solo,
I’m riding solo, I’m riding solo, sooloooo.
I’m feeling like a star, you can’t stop my shine,
I’m loving cloud nine, my head’s in the sky.
I’m solo, I’m riding solo, I’m riding solo, I’m riding solo, sooloooo.
I’m riding solo, I’m riding solo, sooloooo

Restating what we already know – Jason Derulo is high as a kite from smoking marijuana and hash, he’s been crying like a little girl whose Tamagotchi pet died, he’s wearing a weaponized coat, he is planning on drunk driving home from the club, and he is delusional in thinking this break-up is over.

yeah it’s like S… O… L… O…
S… O… L… O… S… O… L… O…
Living my life and got stress no more,

I’m putting on my shades
to cover up my eyes,
I’m jumpin’ in my ride,
I’m heading out tonight,
I’m solo, I’m riding solo,
I’m riding solo, I’m riding solo, sooloooo.
I’m feeling like a star, you can’t stop my shine,
I’m loving cloud nine, my head’s in the sky.
I’m solo, I’m riding solo, I’m riding solo, I’m riding solo, sooloooo.
I’m riding solo, I’m riding solo, sooloooo

My huge beef with this song is there is not one Han Solo reference. I can’t think of any song that is more perfect for at least a single one-off reference to the space cowboy extraordinaire, Han Solo. Who hasn’t gotten high while blubbering over your broken heart and taking a sharp weapon with them to a public place to get drunk by yourself? That was a typical Wednesday night in college for me. But not one Han Solo reference!?! It’s deplorable.

I really hope someone makes a spoof video/song of this. “Ridin’ with Han Solo” easily could be the chorus. All the lyrics could be altered to come from Han Solo’s hetero-lifemate/co-pilot Chewbacca’s perspective of ridin’ with Han Solo in the Millennium Falcon. Or it could be from one’s own perspective if one were another lucky member of the ship with Chewbacca, Luke, Leia, R2-D2, C3PO, Lando and, of course, Han Solo.

I’m riding solo, sooloooo,
I’m riding solo, sooloooo.

Get that man a set of spikes for his jacket and then we’re all “Ridin’ Solo”.

Oh man, I want this spoof video to happen so bad! And I still want a Road Warrior tuxedo jacket.

Dissecting Popularity – “Empire State of Mind”

This is quite the quandary. Do I start this post saying that Jay-Z is a terrible rapper? Or do I start this post saying that people in Columbus, OH all have long sad faces wishing they lived in New York City and not Columbus, OH? Well, I guess I have already said both ideas now. Even if you live in a cave in Canada, you should be sick and tired of the song “Empire State of Mind” by the immortal Jay-Z. And by “immortal” I mean, WILL YOU JUST FUCKING GO AWAY ALREADY!

I like Jay-Z. Or I should say I “liked” Jay-Z. At one point in time, Jay-Z helped make the rap industry wildly more successful. He widened the rap industry. He opened up doors for more rappers. He has carved out a foot hold in the music industry for rap music. The problem is two things: rap music by Jay-Z is pop music and he won’t fucking go away. I am a big fan of the man, Sean Carter. I admire him for what he’s done, I think he is amazingly motivated and has established himself and somehow kept “street cred” like no other. I think his decision to start banging Beyonce Knowles is right up there with the greatest decisions in American History like the writing of the Emancipation Proclamation, going to war with England for our independence and deciding on a second season of The Jersey Shore.

But, Jay-Z needs to go away. He has been making the same song for over a decade now. He has the formula down and they certainly are not improving. The songs are catchy, but they are killing rap music. They are killing the integrity and true backbone of rap music. Rap music should not be a half assed rambling of lyrics followed by a female falsetto singing chorus 100x in a row. The artist Jay-Z has a stranglehold on rap music. His name is so famous that artists want to be like him. Labels and radio stations just want rap music that sounds like his. The number one rap station in New York City, Hot 97.1, will play non-stop 30 minute blocks of Jay-Z and it sounds like just one half hour long song. As if Jay-Z was riffing on “Freebird” or “Inagaddadavida”.

His songs are all about this formula because Jay-Z is a terrible rapper. His actual lyrics are terrible. I remember when The Source awards named Eminem the best rapper of all time and people were pissed. Who should get it then? Who is really bigger than Eminem? Jay-Z is just as popular, but Eminem literally knows how to “rap”. I’m not much of a fan of Eminem, but his lyrics are at least a little more than one-syllable rhyming schemes.

My hostility towards “Empire State of Mind” should be put on the shoulders of Columbus, OH. Dawgz and I easily heard this damn song 8 times everyday/night in Columbus. It played almost on a constant loop at the bars. Why? Because the people of Columbus desperately want out of Columbus. This song gives them a moment of levity to sing about New York even though they’ll never get there. That’s my guess at least. I didn’t hear “Bad Romance” in Columbus, but I heard “NEW YORK!!!!” a million times. So let’s break down this lyrical brilliance.

[Jay-Z]
Yeah
Yeah I’m out that Brooklyn.
Now I’m down in Tribeca.
Right next to DeNiro
But I’ll be hood forever

SELLOUT!!!! A little fun fact about Jay-Z is that his name “Jay-Z” comes from the “J” and “Z” subway lines in Brooklyn. Of course, now that he is in Tribeca, he may want to change his name to something more appropriate for that area. “Higher Tax Bracket Jay-Z” or “Hipster Jay-Z” or “Drinks Lattes And Eats Multigrain Bread Jay-Z” or “Sits In A Coffee Shop All Day On His Laptop And Cellphone Even Though He Has The Internet In His Apartment And Is Wearing A Suit Jacket And Jeans Even Though He Doesn’t Have A Job Jay-Z”.

I’m the new Sinatra
And since I made it here
I can make it anywhere
(Yeah they love me everywhere)

Ugh, I dislike Frank Sinatra. He’s from Jersey – great. He got to hang out with the mob – great. His music ranges from meh to terrible. Seriously, I think most people can do a pretty damn good impression of Old Blue Eyes singing “Summer Wind” and that shows that he wasn’t really killing it singing. Slow styled lounge act crooning should just stay as a lost generational thing. It does not need to continue when the Baby Boomers are gone.

I used to cop in Harlem
All of my Dominicanos (Hey yo)
Right there off of Broadway
Brought me back to that McDonalds

Are you all seeing already how stupid this song is? Seriously, is any of this actually rap?

Took it to my stash spot
560 State Street

Attention all police! Head to 560 State Street! There may be some drug residue.

Catch me in the kitchen like Simmons whipping Pastry

I googled this one. I guess it is a reference to Run’s House on MTV. That’s what you want in a metaphor in a popular rap song: something you have to google and still have no clue what it means.

Cruising down 8th street
Off-white Lexus
Driving so slow
(but BK, it’s from Texas!!)
Me I’m out that BedStuy
Home of that boy Biggie
now I live on Billboard
and I brought my boys with me

Atrocious! Is this song done yet? Good Jesus this is dumb. I hope he didn’t actual sit down and write any of this. It is just rambling garbage. Basically, Jay-Z is giving us a schizophrenic tour of New York City. And it isn’t even a good tour either. So far all he has pointed out is that there is a borough called Brooklyn which is where he is from, there is an area in Manhattan called Tribeca that Robert De Niro lives in, Dominicans and drugs are in Harlem, there is a McDonald’s somewhere in New York City that holds some reverence in Jay-Z’s youth, there is an 8^th street, and, again, that he is from Brooklyn. Jay-Z can’t think of ANYTHING to say about the greatest city in the world. In the same 60 seconds, Jay mentions he’s from Brooklyn twice. That’s it.

Say what up to Ta-ta
Still sipping Mai Tais
Sitting courtside
Knicks and Nets give me high-5
Nigga, I be Spiked out
I could trip a referee

Maybe he doesn’t remember anything in particular about New York City because he is too drunk on Mai Tais. Speaking of, who the fuck drinks Mai Tais in New York City? Mai Tais? Hard “Street Cred” having rappers from Bed Stuy, Brooklyn drink Mai Tais? News to me.

Jay-Z is really connecting with the blue collar working class by pointing out how great his seats are at Knicks and Nets games. Speaking of, the Knicks are fucking garbage. The Knicks are worse than this song. If I were going to write a song about the glory of New York City, I would stay away from talking about the New York Knickerbockers from the past decade. And the Nets? The Nets play in Jersey still, so there is no reason to mention them besides the fact that Jay-Z pretty much owns them. This song has little if anything to do with New York City. Also, the Nets are the worst team in professional basketball so I wouldn’t mention them either.

“I be Spiked out” – I get it. You sit in the front row. You’re so close that you “could trip a referee”. Well don’t. Your team is fucking the WORST! The last thing they need is their owner tripping the refs out there. How about you spend more time focusing on obtaining good ball players than pulling pranks on refs.

…tell by my attitude that I’m MOST DEFINITELY FROM…

No idea. You literally could be from anywhere. You sound like a rambling mess who isn’t even trying to rhyme. But you have mentioned on several occasions you are from Brooklyn, so I have made a mental note on that.

Now, here comes the only part of the song that people care about and/or remember…

[Alicia Keys]
New York!!!!
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There’s nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York!!!
These streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,
Let’s hear it for New York, New York, New York

I get the idea of “where dreams are made of”, but it sounds retarded reading it. Let’s pretend I’m having a conversation with someone about New York City. “What do you think of when I say the words ‘New York City’?” “Me? I would say, concrete jungle where dreams are made of.” “What? Are you drunk? That can’t be proper English that came out of your mouth right then.”

[Jay-Z]
I made you hot nigga,

Oh yeah? Me in particular? Is that a dessert? I’m not sure what this means at all. I feel like there should be a comma somewhere in there to help show where the emphasis of this sentence is.

Catch me at the X with OG at a Yankee game,
shit I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can,
you should know I bleed Blue, but I ain’t a crip tho,
but I got a gang of niggas walking with my clique though,

Woof. This is just stupid. If you asked a third grader, preferably the “types of bitches” girl, to write lyrics for a rap song there is no way it would come out worse than this. “Game” and “can”? That doesn’t rhyme. And the other rhyme is “tho” and “though”. Seriously!?! For fuck’s sake. And I guess the “blue” he bleeds is still referring to the Yankees, but generally speaking the Yankees are known for their “pin stripes” the “Yankee pin stripes”. I guess you can’t bleed “pin stripes”.

welcome to the melting pot,
corners where we selling rocks,
Afrika bambaataa shit,
home of the hip hop,
yellow cab, gypsy cab, dollar cab, holla back,
for foreigners it ain’t fitted act like they forgot how to act,

Pot, rocks, shit, hop, cab, cab, cab, back, act? Jay-Z would not pass 6^th grade with any of that. What rhymes with cab? How about cab? And the last sentence is a great indictment of “foreigners”. What’s with those “foreigners”? They act like they forgot how to act? This wouldn’t be as depressing if this song wasn’t the most popular song. It’s not like they are complete thoughts, but more so just a syllable count. As if Jay-Z is just concerned with how many seconds it takes him to say something and not at all what words are strung together to illustrate anything.

Let me translate these sentences:

Tons of foreigners
There are drugs
Random old rapper
We started rap music (currently we are killing it)
Tons of cabs
Foreigners are weird

Very enlightening, Jay-Z.

8 million stories out there and they’re naked,
city it’s a pity half of y’all won’t make it,

Now, Jay-Z is dropping some realness on you. Shit just got really real in that second sentence. It is a pity that 4 million people will not make it life, but…

me I gotta plug a special and I got it made,
If Jeezy’s payin LeBron, I’m paying Dwyane Wade,

BUT I DID! Yeah, I got money! I got tons of money! I got so much money! I’m buying basketball players! With my money!… oh, but it is terrible about the economic circumstances you all face, but I GOT MY MONEY! I got your money! Because you’re paying for these garbage songs!

3 dice cee-lo
3 card marley,
Labor Day parade, rest in peace Bob Marley,
Statue of Liberty, long live the World Trade,
long live the king yo,
I’m from the Empire State thats…

Talk about really skimming over some American history and the most notable places in New York City. He doesn’t even say anything about the Statue of Liberty. All Jay-Z does is acknowledge its existence. Also, I have lived near New York City pretty much my whole life. I don’t recall the Labor Day parade being at all noteworthy. I’m sure there is a Labor Day parade. There are tons of parades in New York City, but “Labor Day”? Isn’t everyone from New York City at the Jersey shore on Labor Day?

Also, I have no clue what the Bob Marley reference is about. Bob Marley wasn’t born in New York City, nor born on Labor Day. Bob Marley didn’t die in New York City, nor die on Labor Day. I love Bob Marley and all, but he might as well reference any celebrity or musician who died. And at the same time, the only excuse I can imagine is that Jay-Z was so sold on the line “3 card marley” that he had to think of a rhyme for “marley” and that was, of course, “Marley”. Nothing rhymes with “marley” quite like “Marley”, am I right?

[Alicia Keys]
[chorus]

People have suffered through more ridiculous Jay-Z ramblings to get to Alicia singing “NEW YORK!!!” And let’s get back to his insufferable madness…

[Jay-Z]
Lights is blinding,
girls need blinders
so they can step out of bounds quick,
the side lines is blind with casualties,

I’ll solve a Rubik’s cube before I get a firm grasp on what those 4 lines mean.

who sip the lite casually, then gradually become worse,

Alcoholics? Fair enough.

don’t bite the apple Eve,

New York City is the “big apple” and Eve bit into the apple in the Bible which led to the downfall of humanity and created original sin. You shouldn’t bite into New York City means don’t get a drug addiction or something in New York City.

Oh man, I just took a glimpse at the lyrics ahead of us on our peril filled journey through this song and this whole stanza is absurd. It is way too ridiculous to cut up, so I’m skipping them unedited.

caught up in the in crowd,
now you’re in-style,
and in the winter gets cold en vogue with your skin out,
the city of sin is a pity on a whim.
good girls gone bad, the city’s filled with them,
Mommy took a bus trip and now she got her bust out,
everybody ride her, just like a bus route,
Hail Mary to the city your a Virgin,
and Jesus can’t save you life starts when the church ends,
came here for school, graduated to the high life,
ball players, rap stars, addicted to the limelight,
MDMA got you feeling like a champion,
the city never sleeps better slip you a Ambien

So, a song about New York City, seemingly the greatness of New York City, spends about a third of it talking about hookers. Wow. Well not exactly just “hookers”, but girls who pretty much live their lives like drug addict hookers because of New York City. After reading this whole stanza and going back to the beginning of it, I understand what Jay-Z is talking about. Jay’s message is to all the women out there:

STAY AWAY FROM NEW YORK CITY! IT WILL GET YOU ADDICTED TO DRUGS AND HAVING SEX FOR MONEY OR MAYBE FOR DRUGS AND NOT MONEY! YOU ARE GOING TO BE RAILROADED BY DUDE AFTER DUDE AND JUST RUN!!!!!!!!!

It is a random change of pace. This song starts off with giving you the worst tour of New York City ever followed by random mentions of sports teams and that Jay-Z has a ton of money and no one else does. This all culminates with the lesson that women who travel to New York City easily can fall into the seedy underworld of drug addiction and sex slavery to appease their addiction to drugs or celebrity fucking because women can’t control themselves. No wonder girls love to dance to this song at clubs! It is so positive!

[Alicia Keys]
New York!!!!
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There’s nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York!!!
These streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,
Let’s hear it for New York, New York, New York

Alicia! What the fuck are you doing! Didn’t you just hear what Jay-Z was saying!?! Get the hell out of New York before your tiny woman brain is easily led into celebrity circles where you will be the meat in a sex sandwich of basketball players’ dongs while you’re all tricked out on ecstasy! RUN BITCH! RUN!

[Alicia Keys]
One hand in the air for the big city,
Street lights, big dreams all looking pretty,
no place in the World that can compare,
Put your lighters in the air, everybody say yeaaahh
come on, come,
yeah,

And then she sings the bullshit chorus again. Yeah, these lights will inspire you into group orgies for cocaine apparently. Put one hand in the air for the big city that turns mid-western girls into street whores. Big dreams all look pretty when you are getting a train run on you by Dwyane Wade and Lebron James’ entourage in the back room of a party that Jay-Z is throwing because WE’RE IN NEW YORK!!!!!

I hope this makes you all hate this song. Or love it more because of its wackiness.