January 20, 2011
I figured it out.
I imagine the people at Vogue magazine are awfully full of themselves these days with how no one as of YET has called them out on their ripe with symbolism cover spread they did on Kristen Stewart.
Naturally, let me point out that Kristen Stewart does in fact want IT in all these pictures. That is a given like gravity, but if you don’t mention gravity in an equation then all the pissy four-eyed pencil havers in the room make snide comments about “is this all happening on Lecturn VII where there is no gravity” and you’re like “shut the fuck up, Steve, or I’ll wedgie you and drag you back to your old highschool to give you a swirley!” Then there is the usual throwing of Jello pudding snacks and Triscuits and it becomes a mess.
Besides these pictures being another testament to the want, they are also a pictorial metaphor that is quite well done by Vogue with Kristen Stewart personifying one of the eight Hindu Temples in the Maharashtra state of India that house eight district idols of Ganesha… in a pre-ascertained sequence. … OBVIOUSLY!
In layman’s terms, Kristen Stewart is Ashtavinayaka.
The first telling moment that these pictures are a metaphor for Ashtavinayaka is the frames of blacked out glass behind Kristen Stewart. There are nine frames in total, but only 8 are visible and there are 8 temples and there are 8 pictures in this set – so I mean what the fuck else are these pictures about VOGUE?!
This picture is clearly of the first temple Mayureshwar. It was built from black stone during the Bahamani reign, which is why Kristen is wearing black heels in this picture to symbolize the foundation that is her and of the famous Mayureshwar temple. The temple from a distance looks like a mosque on purpose to help prevent attacks on it during the Mughal periods. As for Kristen, her hair from a distance looks like she’s wearing a helmet and one knows never to fuck with someone wearing a helmet. No matter what the reason for the helmet, they have a reason and it means “stay away”.
The murti or depiction of Lord Ganesha is riding a peacock at Mayureshwar and it couldn’t be anymore obvious that Kristen’s dress is supposed to be that spotted peacock. What else could it be?! I mean really.
As you all are aware from just the first glimpse of this it is the second temple Siddhivinayak. This is the only murti of the eight where the trunk of Lord Ganesha is positioned to the right, and that trunk is the inexcusable amount of want coming from Ms. Kristen Stewart. These two black tie clad gentlemen here are 100% clearly a depiction of the two saints Shri Morya Gosavi and Shri Narayan Maharaj of Kedgaon who received their enlightenment at this temple. I mean it is as clear as fucking day! Come on! How have I not seen an article written about this?! What else is the picture supposed to be about? You tell me! If it isn’t about Siddhivinayak then I could only guess these two guys are tuxedoed gigolos who are about to have a threesome or run a train on the lovely Kristen Stewart and that can’t be possible. Kristen Stewart doesn’t hire gigolos. If she did they would probably wear flannels and not tuxedos.
The third temple is Ballaleshwar. The story behind the temple is Ganesha is believed to have saved this boy-devotee, Ballala, who was beaten by local villagers and his father (Kalyani-seth) for his single-minded devotion to him. And in this picture obviously Kristen Stewart is Ballala the wide-eyed in awe boy devotee looking up wantingly to Lord Ganesha in this strange sub-continent version of Oliver Twist. This temple is facing the East and Kristen is facing the East… if you move your computer monitor in the correct direction to face the East – if you’re not then you’re all feng shui-ed wrong. The shape of the idol itself bears a striking semblance with the mountain which forms the backdrop of this temple. This is more prominently felt if one views the photograph of the mountain and then sees the idol… and in this picture that is Kristen’s bunny buck teeth. Awww she’s got a little bunny overbite. It’s so cute. Just a wittle. Just a wittle bunnwy ower bwite. Yesh she does!
This is the fourth temple Varadavinayak. I’ve been double checking all my facts about these 8 temples with my own personal deity: Wikipedia. Instead of short sheeting Wiki on this one, it would just make more sense if I just let Wiki handle this temple. Here is the background story:
The handsome Prince Rukmangad refused sage Vachaknavi’s wife Mukunda’s illicit call, and was cursed to suffer from leprosy. Mukunda was satisfied by Indra who deceived her as Rukmangad and she bore a child by name Grutsamad. When Grutsamad came to know about the real story he cursed his mother Mukunda to become the tree of Bori and she in turn cursed him to bore a demon son named Tripurasur, the one who was defeated by Shiva after praying the Ranjangaon Ganesha. Grutsamad after getting cursed went to the forest of Pushpak and worshipped Ganesha. Sage Grutsamad is famous for the mantra GaNanaN Tva. He founded the temple and called this Ganesha: Varada-Vinayak.
And that is all Kristen Stewart’s hair.
Which is pretty self-explanatory.
As you can guess, this is Chintamani. The main story behind this temple revolves around a certain jewel, which is the Chintamani jewel. The Chintamani jewel is represented in this picture by Kristen Stewart’s boobs. Her boobs are literal rare jewels and after Ganesha re-obtained the Chintamani jewel the sage Kapila put the jewel in Ganesha’s neck and what is right below Kristen’s neck… her boobs or jewels. Right? Of course, Kristen Stewart holding her left leg is a reference to Ganesha’s left trunk. That’s no coincidence.
This is the Girijatmaj temple. The story is that Shiva’s wife Parvati performed penance to beget Ganesha at this point and that is why Kristen is in a frilly skirt by a window sill. That’s how you perform penance to beget Ganesha obviously. More importantly, this temple has no electricity and is worshiped during the day amongst the rays of the sunlight… same here with Kristen. We’re all worshiping Kristen Stewart by the light of the Sun. Yeah, I want to worship her in this picture. Worship the shit out of her. Worship her until I’ll need to refuel with Gatorade. She also looks like the sexiest American college student turned French cafe waitress. Could that be a movie? I think so. I think an international business man who takes frequent trips to said cafe while he is in Paris starts to fall for Kristen. As well as, a local starving artist who spends his days anti-socially toiling over his work in this cafe and after weeks of saying nothing to Kristen – he soon realizes that the muse, the love of his life has been quietly and politely serving him coffee each and every day. Then the two men try to woo Kristen – kind of like Shopgirl, but with a lot more coffee and badly translated French.
Boom! Fucking print.
This is the seventh temple Vighnahar. The Cliff’s notes of this temple is that the King of Gods created a demon and that demon destroyed one organized prayer and then went on to kill all these parishioners. The people then pleaded with Lord Ganesha to defeat this demon and Ganesha did because Ganesha gets shit done. Either way, this is Kristen Stewart and her want and the only way she could be defeated at this point is by Lord Ganesha. So Kristen Stewart is an all powerful demon… in this picture. Kristen Stewart is an unstoppable demon who will kill all of her worshipers and would need divine intervention to stop her from destroying the world… in this picture.
This is the last and eighth temple, Mahaganapati. The idol faces the east, is seated in a cross-legged position with a broad forehead, with its trunk pointing to the left. And this is the eighth temple and this is the eighth picture, so there ya go. Also, this temple is believed to be where Shiva worshiped Ganesha before fighting the demon Tripurasura… and we all know Shiva loved green ringer tee shirts, so there is that.
Thank you for going on this insane journey. Hope you enjoyed the “learning”.
Questions for Friday.
Kristen Stewart wants IT.