Before there was Kristen Stewart – someone else wanted IT bad for like 15 glorious minutes

Editor’s note: I completely wasn’t expecting to write about this in the slightest.

Well, ask and you shall not receive. Or ask and you shall receive… NOT! Like I was in Wayne’s World 1 and/or 2. Although, I would prefer the original because it does not glorify Aerosmith. If you were wondering, Aerosmith sucks. That’s if you were wondering.

They suck and so does everyone in that band. Steven Tyler sucks. Steven’s sucking is more of a generic blanket statement about nearly everything he does in life. He did not suck at helping make Liv Tyler. He did good on that. He does not suck at looking like a pre-op transsexual. The type of pre-op who has begun taking the hormone drugs and already trying to live their life like they have had the gender changing surgery, but in fact have not. He does that very well. Excellently even. Everything else though, he sucks. Joe Perry sucks. Joe Perry sucks and so does his patented “I’m walking around and playing the guitar at the same time” signature move. That signature move sucks. Joe sucks thinking that would be a good signature move to have and he sucks for doing it for the past 40 years. The rest of the nameless and faceless band members in that stupid band suck. I won’t even look them up on Wikipedia to individually say they suck – suck. Aerosmith sucks.

I know what you’re thinking, “Dream On” is a good song. Is it? Is it really? Ok, it’s good, but is that what we’re doing here? Are we justifying the existence of a shit band for 30 some odd years, will be inducted into the shit-tastic Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, their filthily rich lives, being verbally blown and winning awards for years, and so on and so on and “Walk this Way” sucks and so on and so on because “Dream On” sounds like a good B-side from any actual credible band from the 70’s? Is that what we’re doing here? Because if it is then we need to redistribute some wealth to some other artists who also have one song from the 70’s that was good and make them seem like credible musicians for four decades.  

Fuck. Ok, ok. I’m lying. I’m not lying about them sucking though. They suck. But Aerosmith did one amazing thing for humanity. It wasn’t “Dream On”. We all could live without “Dream On”. Damn it. I wasn’t planning on writing about this, but it is happening. It is happening today. I’m shaking my head as I write this because I hate giving this much credit to Aerosmith. I HATE IT! I’m not sure how much creative input they had or any at all. I do believe that if per say Jonas Saulk didn’t exist that some other insanely great human being would have cured polio eventually. But come on! Give credit where credit is due and Jonas should get some motherlovin’ credit. The dude cured polio! I don’t have polio because of J-Sizzle! So, I have to give credit to Aerosmith in this one/two/three regard(s).

I’m just going to bring up the 800 pound elephant in the room –

Aerosmith helped make me a man. And not just me, but a lot of men.

Aerosmith played a very large role in the sexual development of men of my age range. I would say men who are currently anywhere from 25 – 35 owe a big debt to Aerosmith to help them on any sexual maturity they reached in their life, especially in the 90’s. And more importantly, I believe men of this age range owe a bigger debt to Aerosmith for providing them with an arsenal, like fictional smoke and mirrors Russian Cold War stock piles of missiles, of spank bank masturbation material. I am, of course, referring to the music videos for “Cryin’”, “Crazy”, and “Amazing”.

Oh sweet Jesus! The Holy Trifecta! I just thought of this and looked it up. It didn’t take a genius to figure this out, but Marty Callner directed all three music videos. So I guess he deserves a ton of credit. I don’t know who Marty Callner is, but he is up there with Aerosmith at teaching men about hot crazy teens or crazy hot teens or simply girls who want it. Marty Callner and Aerosmith, first and foremost, gave us Alicia Silverstone. Eventually, they gave us Alicia Silverstone and Liv Tyler.

All three of these songs suck by the way. There are terrible and completely indistinguishable from each other. And so are the videos. The videos are nearly identical in most regards except one has Liv Tyler in it. That’s different, but they all have Alicia Silverstone in them. Thank God for that, amirite? But the songs suck. They’re awful. They are awful power ballads and critically they were hated when they came out. But then good ole’ Marty Callner comes along and puts together a trilogy of music videos that rivals and trilogy put to film – Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Matrix, Godfather, Shaft, hopefully one day they make a Speed 3 and the world will rejoice.

Ok, let’s do this fantastic video by fantastic video – up first Cryin’.

Alicia Silverstone wants IT.

Holy fuck! She wants it! Oh the mighty of Thor’s hammer, Alicia was like 17 when she made all these videos. Incredible. You have to love Hollywood. Alicia was cast at 15 (!) to play a very sexual role in the movie The Crush. At the same time, 43 year old Marty Callner watches said 15 year old and is like A. She wants it and B. I’m going to make me a mental note that I want to put this girl in some videos… legal ones. That same year, Aerosmith decided to release what quite possibly is the most craptastic album of that year in Get a Grip. With those three unstoppable forces of underage Alicia Silverstone wanting it amazingness, Aerosmith’s unbelievably bad long play album and Marty Callner being a non-practicing pedophile – they came together* as a perfect storm to create these music videos.

In “Cryin”, Alicia Silverstone wants it. Alicia is a rebellious, sexually frustrated and curious young girl. She begins the video by watching a couple make out at movie theater. Man, she wants it. She wants it so bad she can’t concentrate on the movie and is irritated at life. Naturally, Alicia gets into a car with some guy who looks so much like Stephen Dorff that it probably is Mr. Dorff. They drive to the middle of nowhere on a dirt road which makes sense. Stephen turns off the car and sits there. Alicia in an explosion of wanting it just jumps out of her seat and mounts him. And in one of the most anachronistic decisions in history – Stephen Dorff denies 17 year old wanting it Alicia Silverstone! Incomprehensible! It’s like this video takes place in some bizarro world! Come on, Stephen, even if you’re gay you can’t deny that much want being thrown at you like that. It’s just a ridiculous decision.

Alicia punches Dorff, rightfully so, and then steals his car, rightfully so. Remember that ladies. If for whatever crazy and I do mean insane crazy reason, you are wanting that bad, you are looking that hot, and you are with a guy and you try to jump him like that and he rejects you – sucker punch and stolen car are perfectly acceptable. This is followed by Alicia getting a hmmm… how do I say this… a “tit tattoo”? I didn’t choose the location. Don’t shoot the messenger on this. She gets an ugly rose tattoo on your breast (better?). Bad decision. Leave those beauties alone, Alicia.

After the shady tattoo job, Alicia drives around all night wanting it. She fantasizes about what should have happened between her and Mr. Dorff immediately following her mount job earlier. The car breaks down in the morning. She gets changed out in the open on the side of the road and ditches the car – typical woman, couldn’t call AAA? Then she proceeds to walk the highway wanting it. Apparently, along this dirt road highway there is a piercing shop (really?) and Alicia gets her sleek and tender navel pierced.

The next scene is priceless. Now, new and improved Alicia, with belly button ring, has found herself at a diner. She is sitting at the bar at the diner. She orders pancakes, I’m guessing. She notices some guy at the end of the bar and he notices her and BOOM Oh Christ does she want it! I’m not the only one seeing this, right? I’m not the one eyed man in the land of the blind, right? And right when this guy is about to make the best decision  of his life to give Alicia what she wants… HE STEALS HER FUCKING PURSE! WHAT!?! WHY!?! Why man, why? A chase sequence ensues which ends with “Karate Jones” Alicia Silverstone flying sidekicking the guy to death! Didn’t expect that did you?

And the conclusion is even better. In the final act of this epic masterpiece, Alicia Silverstone calls Stephen Dorff and seemingly the police to some bridge over a highway where she plans on committing suicide. Alicia with her heals on the edge of the bridge and her back facing the traffic flying by hundreds of feet below, the police show up and so does Mr. Dorff. Ineffectually, Stephen tries to coax Alicia off the bridge. I have a couple things to say about this: 1. what unprofessionalism by the police officers involved, who lets the ex-boyfriend of a suicidal teen girl be the negotiator and 2. She wants it and no one seems to be respecting that. It’s like a God damn Twilight Zone episode where these people especially the men are not acting the way they should around a hot chick who wants it that badly.

So, Dorff attempts to grab Alicia and she jumps! But she is attached to a bungee cord. And she gives Dorff the finger and he smiles because it is one big “gotcha”. That’s how the video ends. Of course, a second later Stephen could pull out a box cutter severing her bungee cord and dropping her ass into the concrete and 70mph cars below. Either way, what the hell is this video about? I don’t know, but it is one of the reasons why Alicia Silverstone was a common theme in my dreams from 1993 until Britney Spears’ “Hit me baby one more time” appeared on television for the first time.

Amazing

Yeah, she wants it. Alicia Silverstone wants it.

Ok, this video is in some sense a sequel to “Cryin”. It begins with footage from “Cryin”. It turns out that “Cryin” was not some alternate universe documentary, but it was a “music video” – who knew!?! A hapless loser sitting in his parent’s basement who looks remarkably like Jeremy London, so much so I will say it is Jeremy London. Clearly, the other guy was Stephen Dorff. This looks a lot like London, but I’m not 100% sold. Anyway, this hapless loser is incredible at computers. Fucking wildly amazing with technology. He rivals those elementary school kids from The Sandlot who manufactured a series of mechanical wonders in robotics all in one afternoon to retrieve one lost Babe Ruth signed baseball. Those robots all failed, but seriously none of that was in their design- there problems lay more or less in the execution. Thankfully, the greatest athlete in child history Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez aka “The Jet” was there to save the day – all a story for another day.

Jeremy London and his computer wizardry somehow with commercially sold electronic products of 1993/1994 scans himself into the music video! That shit happens, right? Following that he scans his trusty Match Box motorcycle into the video as well. With the added help of a Nintendo Power Glove and a Nintendo Virtual Boy headset, Jeremy London enters the fucking music video! Now with Jeremy’s new hair cut and motorcycle tooling around the desert, Alicia Silverstone appears. And she wants it.

Well… she does at first, but then Jeremy ceases her want by offering her a motorcycle helmet. Thankfully, Jeremy is God of this digital world. He deletes now frigid Alicia and replaces her with a new Alicia who… wants it again. This Alicia is cool with motorcycle riding. AND motorcycle sexin’ apparently. So finally, at the 3:20 something mark of the second music video someone finally starts giving what Alicia is wanting. No one gave her shit in the five minute plus “Cryin”.

Oh yeah. They are getting it on. It’s getting kind of graphic. And then, here is Marty Callner’s genius – metaphorical premature ejaculation. In the real world, Jeremy London is getting so aroused playing around with his Nintendo products that he knocks over his soda which then shoots soda out of the straw hole and all over the keyboard killing the mood. Jeremy has to stop with Alicia and clean off his keyboard – we’ve all been there, am I right? Once dry, Jeremy restarts the program with Alicia and him on the motorcycle.

In part deux of motorcycle sex, Alicia wants it so bad she can’t wait until Jeremy reaches the deserted desert sex rendezvous (I spelled that correctly on the first try, by the way) location. She discards her helmet and then so does Jeremy. I do not support this. It might seem cool to ride on a motorcycle, even in a fictional digital reality, without a motorcycle helmet on, but safety first people! It sends a bad message to the kids who are watching this video and probably shouldn’t be because every second they watch it they lose any innocence they have in life and now they are just like the rest of us chained to sexual frustration at all times.

They’re doing it on the bike. Ok, ok ok, it’s getting real graphic and real not safe. Pull over, Jeremy! Just slow the bike down and pull the fuck over! Well… I guess he didn’t need to. With more Marty Callner metaphorical brilliance, Jeremy London needs a digital cigarette because he just fucked Alicia Silverstone on a moving motorcycle without stopping. Better man than I – I’ll give him that. I would have definitely pulled over.

In a completely odd turn of events, the bike breaks down and the two proceed to try and hitchhike. Seriously, didn’t Jeremy London break all scientific walls and alter the universal fabric of this music video dimension and download himself into it, put a bike in it, put Alicia Silverstone in it, put a different Alicia Silverstone it, came in his pants, came in her I guess, and now he is hitching a ride? What? Is this all confusing to you? Because it gets better. Jeremy has tons of trouble trying to hitch a ride, so he gives up. Alicia with her wondrous legs and complete disregard for being subtle with her want – she flags down an airplane.

Alicia Silverstone wants it so bad a fucking Red Baron-eque propeller plane appears and picks them up. Again, I don’t condone riding on the wing of the airplane and neither should you, but that is where Alicia and Jeremy decide to ride. In another twist, Jeremy reimagines the computer world by outfitting them both in skydiving gear and snowboards. This really begs the question why they needed to hitchhike at all. Why didn’t he just warp them to an airplane instead of waiting around until Alicia’s want power would summon an airplane? Questions, so many questions. Now they are currently, sky “surfing” I guess or sky “boarding” or whatever. I feel like this one giant waste of time. If I was Jeremy London, Lord knows I’ve said that too many times in my life, I would have just warped us to a hotel room or a bubble bath or anything that continued this whole game plan of me having sex with Alicia Silverstone and probably anything, but skydiving.

Then the video dream is over for Jeremy. He decides to call it a day and leave the digital world. He prints out a picture of Alicia for the memories of his one and only true lov… one and… wait a minute. Wait a fucking minute! Jeremy London is a digital world whore! He has been living out similar fantasies with Cindy Crawford and some others that I didn’t catch and don’t feel like rewinding. Jeez. Talk about a twist, right? I thought they were an immortal love, right? Soulmates, right? And that’s got to be the end… NO! What! What the fuck!?! Alicia Silverstone is actually creating this world! Alicia Silverstone is the master of Virtual Reality technology of the early to mid 90’s! WTF times infinity! Oh man, I feel Marty Callner was either too high when he made this or I’m not high enough to understand it. My brain fucking hurts right now. Oh wait… there is one more music video.

Crazy

This is going to be good. Plaid skirt, white stockings, director’s cut. If you are at all disturbed in the slightest by Aerosmith and Marty Callner really pushing 17 year old girls down your throat* (I’m not… not in the slightest), then it is going to get a lot more disturbing to you when one of them is now their daughter! dunh DunH DUNH! Liv Tyler is Alicia Silverstone’s wanting it tag team championship partner. This golden moment in history begins with Alicia Silverstone as seemingly a Catholic school girl ditching school. And so is Liv Tyler! And the first order of business is they take their shirts off. Yeah, this is going to be good.

Seemingly, the two drive all night and empty their gas tank*. They pull over for a refill and we notice they’ve also changed clothes. The gas station has a little mini-mart which is convenient. There is a creepy old guy who is very excited to see these girls pull up. Seriously, why not? It has been perfectly acceptable for 10 minutes plus of music video time for us to drool over Alicia Silverstone, so why not another 5 plus Liv Tyler? Alicia heads inside and Liv pumps the gas and does she ever. In painted on black leather pants, Liv Tyler puts on a show for Creepers McGee outside. Meanwhile, inside the stoner who is working the cash register at the mini-mart is not only perfectly comfortable with Alicia Silverstone shoplifting, but he implores her to do it. And then Liv walks in and he waves her on to do it too. See this is why you don’t hire stoners to handle any amount of responsibility.

The girls steal all types of shit. No big ticket items though. They want it and they feel a little guilty about not paying so they conjure up a payment for the guy. There is a photo booth where, judging by the stoner’s reaction, the girls get nekkid and fool around in the most religious acceptable lesbian style. They hand over the evidence to the stoner. In the end it all works out for the stoner – as it always does for stoners, DAMN STONERS!

Just by sheer luck, the girls drive past a strip club that is having an amateur night. Being the whores competitive female Liv is, she decides to enter. First, Alicia and Liv get whored up changed in front of each other which makes perfect sense. Liv dresses up in bell bottoms and a midriff revealing shirt much like her father wears. Alicia is much more elaborate and dresses in a full suit with matching pocket square and fedora. Was she just caring that around in the trunk of her car?

At the strip club, Liv jumps up on stage. Weirdly, her routine is a beat by beat impression of Steven Tyler, Daddy dearest, and his onstage concert routine. Including spitting*. I’m not sure how I feel about this. She’s hot, but it is creep city, state, and country. And then it gets shockingly a lot less creepy and a lot more shut your fucking mouth and just watch because things are about to get magical.

Liv, on all fours, crawls to Alicia. She lightly caresses Alicia’s face with her fingertips. Alicia throws off her hat and allows her blonde flowing locks to… well… flow. Liv still crawling around shows the crowd her money maker and this is just too much for Alicia. She starts undoing her tie which we all know is the international sign for “shit’s getting real”. Then a chair appears. Liv sits on the chair. Liv takes her shirt off. She’s wearing a bra. This isn’t the not around anymore Spice channel. It’s MTV. Then Liv shows she knows how to work the pole* and wins the strip contest. I’m glad she won. I thought she deserved it. Really put quite the effort in.

To celebrate Liv’s winning of the strip club amateur stripping contest, it is back to their hotel room for them to play around on the bed in their underwear. Get into it. There’s no one around watching. No one at all minus Marty Callner and Aerosmith meaning Liv’s Dad. Just be natural. Let yourselves explore… damn it – jump cut to the morning after. Liv in a sun dress and Alicia in daisy dukes and a bikini top take the car out for another drive. They are apparently out in the country and near farms. Sure, why not?

A nearly nude and buff tractor driver in his 20’s just so happens to be steering a tractor right by the road that the two wildly sexed up Alicia and Liv drive by on. This guy is no idiot. Liv barely gestures for him to join them on whatever their next adventure is and he immediately jumps off the tractor and into the back of their car with no regard for his job, the crops, the tractor being still on, et cetera. Smart move, guy. Smart move. Where do they drive to? A nearby pond/lake? I’ll say lake.

The girls ask him to jump in the lake. He says no. The girls take their clothes off and jump in. Not a second goes by before he jumps in after them. Remember, he is no idiot. They’re having fun in the lake and they’re all touching and teasing. But lake time is over and they head into the car. Oh no! He’s picking his nose! Dude, seriously? I don’t care if your nose is itching like the worst motherfucker you let it itch. Don’t touch your nose! But, he screws up and is an idiot and picks it and Liv sees.

This is when I think Marty Callner realized he spent all their money on cocaine and underage prostitutes. All of a sudden, the tractor spells “Crazy” and it fades to black. What? What kind of ending is that? What happened to the nose picker? I feel like they must’ve ditched him. Or they fucked him stupid and then ditched him. There is an even weirder epilogue when they return from the faded black. They pass Jeremy London on the side of the road with all his skydiving gear and they recognize him and keep driving. They laugh. It makes no fucking sense.

So, that is the gift Aerosmith and Marty Callner gave to boys/men of the world: Alicia Silverstone. If I could have bought stock in the disposable soiled crumpled tissue industry before these music videos came out then I would be a billionaire. So yeah, nearly 4000 words about 3 music videos featuring Alicia Silverstone and 1 with Liv Tyler that guys jerked to. Romantic.