Today Is Your Birthday, Dumb Ass!

Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to all yous people out there who were born this very day! And to all of yous who are celebrating “half-birthdays”, I have a special message for you: grow the fuck up. This world is cold and heartless and never takes a moment to even stop and reflect on any truly wonderful or horrible things that happen, so trying to smuggle time away from the madness for a non-existent moment of rejoice like the 6 month anniversary in between your yearly birth anniversary is in a word: immature. Just accept the endless solitude that life has offered us without making a fool of yourselves more times a year than are necessary.

With that being said, please prepare all gifts and cake because it is my Half-Birthday just over a month away! Get yo’ shit together for it!

Anyway, enough about you imaginary motherfuckers trying to steal the spotlight from someone who was actually born on this day.

I went to the IMDB and they have a list of the hundreds of people who were born on each and every day. These people are actors, directors, producers, grips, best boys and everyone else who has helped work on a movie, TV show or anything else entertainment. But they cannot just vomit these birthdays out onto the internet. The IMDB has kindly listed these people in a real time popularity order as it should be.

I looked at this list and my question was – who the fuck are these people? It is great that it is their birthday and all, but, again, who the fuck are these people and why are they more popular than some other people? I have grabbed a big chunk of the list and I will try to figure out who some of these people are or why you should care it is their birthday or maybe I’ll just say something sarcastic about them because I tend to do that. The list changes all the time on the site, so it may have shifted some when you decide to go look at it for yourself to verify my post as I’m sure many of you do immediately after you are done reading.

Nevertheless… HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the following…

1. Matthew McConaughey

I have heard of this dude. As mentioned, I have gone through this list already and Mr. McConaughey should be at the top of this list. There are others on the list that have done more in the film industry, done better in the film industry, and have simply accomplished a lot more in life — but the man is good looking. He is good looking and has that Southern charm that talks girls out of their panties, talks people into voting Republican and has kept him in an acting career. Matt wasn’t in a movie in 2010, but he did just have an excellent cameo appearance on Eastbound & Down. According to IMDB, if you are making a movie in 2011 then it may come as a shock to you, but Matthew McConaughey is in it. Matt hasn’t been in too many movies that I have liked, but that is mostly because he is in a lot of “rom coms”. But I do think he has the ability to bring it given the right cast/crew. Why am I rooting for this guy to get in a good movie? He has lived a more enjoyable life than I have or ever will by 1,000,000 fold. He had sex Penelope Cruz, lived in Australia, partied with Woody Harrelson, named “sexiest man alive” and gave Barbara Walters a foot rub. At best, I may get to visit Australia at some point in my life. And he has done much much more than that. Happy Birthday you naked bongo playing bastard!

2. Ralph Macchio

Yep. Yeeeeeeeeeeeepppp-puh. I’m not saying that Ralph Macchio is still famous enough or has done anything since Karate Kid 3, but I’m not not saying that Karate Kid 1, 2, and 3 doesn’t warrant this position always. Got that? This is a popularity contest in regards to their pages being clicked on or searched for – this makes sense. I mean I’m sure that every hour of every day, there is someone out there watching at least one of the Karate Kid movies and thinks to themselves – what the fuck is Ralph Macchio up to? And then they search his page to see if he is dead or if he has worked in the past 15 years. Also, they most likely are searching to see if he had sex with Elisabeth Shue back when she was young. Honestly, the top of Ralph Macchio’s IMDB page should have in big bold lettering: DOESN’T KNOW MARTIAL ARTS and HAD SEX WITH ELISABETH SHUE.

The first Karate Kid is still unquestionably one of the greatest pieces of art ever crafted by mortal hands. The second Karate Kid is a wild tale that may or may not make less sense than the plot to either Transformers movies featuring Shia La Beouf. The third Karate Kid is dark and scary and sadly not on TV enough.

I’m just saying – Mr. Miyagi tells us that if performed correctly the Crane Kick is unstoppable in the first Karate Kid, but in the second Karate Kid the Crane Kick does not stop the random Asian gang boy he is fighting to the death on that island. So did Daniel-san not perform the Crane Kick correctly or was Mr. Miyagi wrong? Take that debate to your grave, sucka. Happy Birthday you karate kicking JD Salinger!

3. Doris Roberts

Ok? Doris Roberts has been in a lot of great movies and TV shows over the years, so there is a level of credibility that lends itself to #3 on this list. But really? My only gripe is that on the list they have Christmas Vacation under her name to signify what you may remember her from most. Christmas Vacation? Are you shitting me? What about Everybody Loves Raymond!?! I like Christmas Vacation and all, but Everybody Loves Raymond was one of the most popular television shows ever. EVER! Happy Birthday old woman!

4. Gillian Zinser

No clue. She’s cute. She’s a blonde. She’s on 90210. The new one? The old one? In that picture she is wearing almost a fedora, so it could be the old one. Well, she is 2 years younger than me, so it is the new one. Do people watch this show? I call wild shenanigans that this girl is famous at all. Happy Birthday to you good looking blonde who I think may be a prank from IMDB to screw up my post on their list!

5. Jean-Luc Bilodeau

What? Lies! LIES! I’m not saying it isn’t this guy’s birthday, but #5 most popular person to have a birthday today is this guy?! That is crazy talk. CRAZY TALK! Happy Birthday, but there is no fucking way you are more famous than…

6. Sean “P. Diddy” Combs

HELLZ YEAH! FINALLY! Finally! I still call the motherfucker Puff Daddy. I don’t care about Puffy or P. Diddy or Diddy. The man is Puff Daddy. I really don’t know what to say about Puff Daddy outside I love him. There I said it. I love him. Ok? He ran the New York City marathon for the kids. He had a mohawk. He dances like he has epilepsy. He makes fashionable clothes. He had something to do with making the beat for “Bad Boyz 4 Life” which sticks in my head for weeks at a time and puts a swagger in my step. He made a cologne that I used to wear, which made my nostrils dance to the sweet smell of sex and champagne. And basically he’s a crazy black man who I respect due to his creativity and I wish I was apart of it. Happy Birthday kind sir.

7. Ken Kirzinger

Don’t fucking know. Nor do you. He was apart of the “stunts” for the movie Watchmen and he is #7 on this fucking list? I will mark Ken as the beginning of the “This person must be famous on Twitter or something” aspect of this IMDB list. There are some random people in the world who are not famous, but do have fans and have gone above and beyond the call of duty to connect with those fans and that has some garnered them more under the radar fame. I guess I can relate considering I’m offering free tours around the borough of Manhattan. Happy Birthday guy.

8. Kiersten Warren

Well, well, well, we meet again. Kiersten and I were lovers. And by “lovers” I mean I’ve seen Independence Day a ton of times and I read that she was in Independence Day a second ago because I had no clue who she was and I remember in Independence Day, so if that means we are lovers then there you go. She’s also been in other stuff that sadly I have seen *cough-13 Going On 30-cough* and her IMDB picture seems to suggest that if the picture was inch longer there would be some side boob action. Good for you Kiersten. Happy Birthday, I have seen Independence Day at least 20 times.

*sidenote: do you know the trick to remembering if it was Bill Paxton or Bill Pullman as the President in Independence Day? You start by looking it up on IMDB and seeing it was Bill Pullman and then you FUCKING REMEMBER IT because he gave the greatest speech a President has ever given ever. I would go to fight an alien war this minute if Bill Pullman was leading the charge.

9. Justine Waddell

No idea. No idea what The Fall is either. I’m chalking this up as an error by the internet. Happy Birthday clerical error.

10. Denis Simpson

No. No. No. It lists Denis as being an actor from Polka Dot Door. Come on people! Polka Dot Door? I refuse to believe that there is a movie called Polka Dot Door and that people are searching for it on IMDB. Denis doesn’t even have a picture next to his name. I believe that Denis simply searches Polka Dot Door and clicks on his own page, which he created by buying an IMDB Pro account and that is how this travesty happened. Happy Birthday, cheater!

11. Loretta Swift

I didn’t recognize the name, but the picture they had next to her looked like it was from MASH. I have never heard of the movie The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, but I’m taking a guess MASH was a bigger deal. Just a guess. Also, I chose Loretta because she is from Passaic, New Jersey! What what in the butt butt. Am I right? Her family was from Poland and they moved to America and I’m guessing they got to New Jersey and were like, “yeah, it ain’t gettin’ better than this.” Because it isn’t. Happy Birthday, Garden State!

13. Darcy Rose Byrnes

I’m going to start skipping around because seriously I have no clue who most of these people are. I chose Darcy over here because she is/was on a particular television day time soap opera called The Young & The Restless, which I know a ridiculous amount about. My mother has felt the need to torture me through out my childhood and into adulthood by watching this television show. I have always been the conspiracy theorist that my Mom does not watch this show when I’m around and only specifically tunes in if I am. I have spent many sick days from school or lazy days of summer soaking in the sordid tales the people of Genoa City, Wisconsin. That’s fucking right! Those people are from Wisconsin! WISCONSIN! Did that just blow your fucking mind?! Because you should tune in to watch an episode of this show and just be blown away that this is supposedly how people conduct themselves in WISCONSIN!

I’ve never been to Wisconsin, but I know that they live simple lives that focus around one and one thing only – the Green Bay Packers.

Happy Birthday, I won’t blame you for the pain Y&R has caused me, but you’ve been apart of it.

16. Kathy Griffin

Ugh. No. Happy Birthday – aren’t you supposed to be not famous?

17. Alexz Johnson

She is a good looking gal, I’ll give her that. I’m sure her name “Alexz” is misspelled by every person who attempts to spell it. “Z”? Seriously? I’ll let you pass. You all know my feeling about the good looking people of the world. Happy Birthday, Alexzyzyxxwyzxiozxxz.

22. Gig Young

I’m a fan of the name. “Gig” definitely has some personality. It says good ole’ Gig was in the movie They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?, which is a wild and ridiculous movie. Also, I love the title. I’m not sure if people see that title and think “western” because I always do. Nevertheless, Jane Fonda + a dance marathon. Happy Birthday, Gig.

25. Gary Stretch

Also, a great name. Gary Stretch. I bet this guy got a lot of ass in his day just for the name. It sounds manly. It sounds like a guy who really tore it up in high school. All the girls at some point in time hook up with old Stretch. It is a right of passage in these parts. I have no clue who Gary Stretch is, but according to his bio – I AM 100% FUCKING CORRECT that he has had more sex than words in this post. “During the early nineties, Gary Stretch was the glamor-boy of British boxing. His good looks coupled with KO power in his fists ensured he was big box-office. He also made money strutting his stuff on the catwalk as a male model.” Yeah, this guy got laid so much that he probably just walks around with a condom on. Oh man, and he was married to Roselyn Sanchez for several years. Good for you, Gary. I have seen Roselyn Sanchez in person and it isn’t any Avatar CGI that is making her gorgeous in these movies. I think I even wrote a post about it. Go look that up. Happy Birthday, Gary for proving that not only can I judge a book by its cover, but I can judge it by its title and not even need to see the cover.

26. Trishelle Cannatella

The picture is of a girl in bra and panties. Also, I can only think of one Trishelle and that is the chick from Real World Las Vegas. BOOM! It is the same. I don’t know what Trishelle has been up to minus drugs and sex for the past several years of her life, but I do know if you are curious about what she looks like naked then a quick google search should be in your future. Oh Real World. Trishelle also came to my college once. Yep. That’s what my college spent our tuition on – Trishelle. It was actually Trishelle and Landon from Real World Philadelphia. Happy Birthday Trishelle for siphoning some of my education money and providing the world with pictures of you naked.

29. Tabu

She’s from Bollywood and her name is seemingly “taboo”, which is fun to say. Think of it as a nice lemon sorbet for your inner monologue. Tabu. Taboo. Ta-buh-boo. Happy Birthday, I hope I’m pronouncing your name right.

32. Jeff Probst

We all know who Jeff Probst is. We all know this means one thing. The Devil is real and Jeff Probst made a deal with him. Happy Birthday Jeff Probst, I’ll see you in Hell.

34. Fivel Stewart

If you thought the name “Fivel” was weird then get a load of her real name – Trent Heaven Stewart. Fivel’s not looking so bad is it? I’m sure that somewhere the name “Heaven” is unisex, but Trent? Trent?! Her parents do know that she is a girl correct? Who names a girl, Trent? No one and that is why this girl at probably the ripe age of “whenever you can understand your name is a boy’s name and you are in fact a girl” chose a different name. She is only 14 now, so I’m guessing at the age of 4 or so she must have chosen her new name of Fivel based on the mouse movies. Either way, she is apparently well equipped to kick everyone’s asses if they say something about her name being “Fivel” because she is a bad ass martial artist. Good for. Also, her [brother]‘s name is BooBoo. Yeah. Fucking Californian parents. Happy Birthday to you Fivel and emancipating yourself from your hippie parents.

38. Bethenny Frankel

I won’t lie. I know exactly who this woman is. I have also watched her television show. Happy Birthday Bethenny, I don’t hate you, but I do hate Rachel Zoe.

39. Marlene Jobert

“Jobert was born in 1940 in Algeria. She studied drama and fine art in Paris, made her acting debut on the stage in 1963…” That’s enough. Marlene Jobert has lived a better life than me right then and there and I’m seeing the Cliff’s notes from 1940 to 1963 of her life. Happy Birthday Marlene, you win.

43. Walter Cronkite

This man being #43 on this is a crime. Not like punishable by death, but a severe penalty of money and short jail time. Happy Birthday Walter hopefully in your old age you never saw your profession bastardized by Fox News.

47. Karina Michel

She’s pretty. Happy Birthday to you being pretty.

50. Will Rogers

This is a crime punishable by death. The Cronkite thing is a fine and a short stint, but WILL fucking ROGERS!

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.”

http://thinkexist.com/quotes/will_rogers/

One of the most quotable human beings ever. And a cowboy. And a humanitarian. Happy Birthday, IMDB doesn’t have any damn sense.

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Why did I write this much?

Questions?

No one is going to read all of this.

My Wish For The Top 10 Trending Topics On Yahoo

The website I go to more than any other on any given day is Yahoo. A big reason is I have a yahoo email address that I’ve used for the better part of a decade. I admit that I definitely check this email address for new email way too often. So often one would actually think the emails I do get are national security level importance emails. Emails containing up to the minute near live coverage of nuclear weapons being sold to terrorists on the black market of some third world country and somehow these emails are being sent to me and then I’m forwarding them to the proper Anbu black ops Marine snipers who need to kill said terrorists and recover the dangerous nuclear weapons. That is how often and how steadily I check my email as if emails like those were awaiting my immediate attention.

In reality, my email box is usually full of dick jokes courtesy of my college friends. If not dick jokes from pals who sought higher education together, my email box has every once and awhile freelance work emails, which are important. And, the third category would be newsletter emails from websites I bought something from once like 1800 Flowers, Macys, Nordstroms, Everlast (boxing equipment, not the guy who was in House of Pain and then told us “what it’s like” in his solo venture) et cetera. The final category of emails is UFC Forum emails. The UFC has its own web board and I guess they were in need of Moderators. It doesn’t pay anything, which is good because I rarely go onto that web board, so I can’t be fired as a moderator. I get at least a dozen emails a day from whiny brats complaining someone is being mean to them and I should ban that person because of it. 99% of the time, I ignore these emails. It’s the internet – everyone is mean! And, just be mean back! It is anonymous. If some idiot calls you an idiot then call them an idiot. Why not? It’s the internet – everyone is mean and this is all fake.

I do once in a green Moon go onto the UFC web board solely to ban someone and delete every post they have posted on the site. That is somewhat satisfying. “Would you like to ban them for a day, 15 days, a month, 90 days or forever?” Well… FOREVER!!!! ALWAYS FOREVER!!! If I was in that movie The Box where I had to hit a button to kill some random human being on Earth and I got a million dollars – if I could be convinced by Frank Langella with half a face that this isn’t a Twilight Zone episode and if I hit the button that random person killed wasn’t me and was in fact one of the people who actually posts on the UFC web board and complains or is complained about – I’d hit it Usain Bolt fast.

So, I’m on Yahoo a lot because of all this. I love the “Trending Now” feature they added whenever they added it. I always take a look at it. I check my email, I check the front page article and I check the “Trending Now”. Sometimes before I click on why these random ass topics are trending, I like to take a guess or make a tiny wish to myself what is causing these people or things to trend. That’s what today’s post is about motherfuckers – get into it.

1. Jay-Z

He’s dead. Awwwwww… why? Why do you say such things, Kay-Swilt-Chamberlain-Jizzle? Jay-Z is not dead. But I cannot be the only one who sees a name trending at number 1 and thinks “oh shit, did Zsa Zsa Gabor die or is she just in the fucking hospital again?” False alarm, Jay-Z isn’t dead. The credibility of hip hop is definitely dead because of Jay-Z, so maybe they arrested Jay-Z for the murder of a legitimate art form. Nope. Damn it! So Jay-Z is doing a concert(s) with Eminem. *shrugs*.

I wish Jay-Z was trending because he decided to actual quit the literal rapping business to become a rap entrepreneur who basically just gives money to young rappers and studio time to them and doesn’t at all try to influence them in making the exact same music he has made for the past 10 years. Or I wish that Jay-Z came out against Pitchfork’s rating of the best songs from the past decade and his lady Beyonce’s song “Crazy in Love” is definitely not the #3 song of the past decade. Jay-Z feels flattered that they would think that song was that good, but Jay is from the streets and he knows that that song shouldn’t even be included in the top 100 songs from the past decade let alone nearly leading the list. Also, Jay-Z apologizes for ruining everyone’s brain for the first few months of this year with the refrain “NEW YORK! BIG LIGHTS WILL INSPIRE YOU! IN NEW YORK!” Ugh… it will probably stick in my head again.

2. Jodie Sweetin

The chick from Full House. No, not the oldest one who became real religious. No, not the youngest one who was played by those twins who fell in love with cocaine. No, not the one with the flowing black mullet – that was UNCLE Jessy, he was a man. Remember the sporty spice middle sister? That’s Jodie Sweetin. I know that Jodie was pregnant because that trended a month ago. I’m guessing this is that she gave birth to that pregnancy.

What I wish? Jodie Sweetin completed the Highlander task of sword fighting to death all the other cast members of Full House and now SHE IS THE ONLY ONE… who gets to collect residuals from syndication. SYNDICATION! I would love to watch a Scott Pilgrim vs. The World spoof where Jodie Sweetin must defeat in anime/video game style battles the Olsen twins, Candace Cameron, Dave Coulier, John Stamos and, lastly, Bob Saget. Also, Kimmy Gibbler at some point saves Sweetin, but dies in the process as well.

I get why the Olsen Twins have continued to be crazy famous, but Jodie Sweetin grew up to be a great looking girl. Candace shunned the spotlight. The Olsen Twins embraced it, but they are both mildly attractive and nightmare scary at the same time. Meanwhile, Jodie grew up to be girl next door cute and she had one upside over the Twins – she has BOOBS! Pretty big ones. I’m surprised we haven’t seen more of her because of that. She did have the Fuse show Pants Off Dance Off, but who the hell actually watched it?

3. Lauryn Hill

She’s baaaaaaacccckkkkk!! I think this is about her new album and that she is playing a concert with Snoop Dogg and the Wu-Tang in California. Yep, I was right. Honestly, that is exactly what I want Lauryn Hill to be trending for. Lauryn Hill will probably not go down in history as the highly regarded artist as she should be because she keeps falling off the radar on purpose. Lauryn will completely capture the attention of the music industry and America and once she does so, she disappears for 5 years to then come back and do the same thing again. She clearly is very talented and she clearly has some issues with being in the public eye or something. She is undoubtedly crazy talented and her worst songs are better than Beyonce’s “best” songs. Anyway, Ms. Hill is back for the moment and I hope her new album is excellent. This would be a great time for her to put out a great album. Right now, there seems to be a near limitless cache of female singers who are popular now. Most of them are cookie cutter versions of each other who are making club pop songs. It would be nice for Lauryn Hill to show the depth that a female artist can have for the 3rd or 4th time now and not fall off the face of the Earth.

4. Scholarships

Did the world become smart? Scholarships!?! Aren’t we all a bunch of dumbasses who can’t graduate high school? Fair enough. I don’t think anyone can confuse what the scholarships are for. But my fingers are crossed that the scholarships are for students looking to study science in particular. President Obama has made many comments about education and getting the US back in the seat of power in math and science. I think the way to do that is make math and science sexy – thus “Sexy Scientists”. I’m sure you need to know math to know science. I think Obama needs to start a campaign in re-inventing our image of scientists as baller ass celebrities. We need to get kids excited about science. Give scientists some attitude. I make cell phones, bitch! I’m curing cancer, motherfucker! I made watermelons seedless! I’M THE ILLEST SHIT EVER!

Also, I’m dying for scientists to just make teleporters already. I want to visit Australia without sitting on a 15 hour (is it longer than 15?) plane flight. First class or economy? Fuck it. I want TELEPORTATION!

5. Matthew McConaughey

Is he announcing he’ll be in a good movie? Because that would BLOW MY MIND! Outside of his near cameo role in Tropic Thunder it has been 8 years since I’ve seen a McConaughey movie I liked. I’m talking Reign of Fire. It is a decent enough movie and McConaughey looks like a badass in it. Some of you ladies may have enjoyed How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days – I haven’t sat through it and admitting I have would just be another knock against me on this website. So I fucking watched Gilmore Girls! I didn’t buy a Gilmore Girls duvet cover for my bed or anything. And what if I did!? What would be so wrong with going to sleep every night with both the warmth and comfort of Lorelai and Rory Gilmore in blanket form holding me?

Oh, McConaughey is trending because some clothing company remembered he was really good looking and hired him for an ad campaign. Shock me, shock me. EdTV and A Time to Kill are over 10 years old. Make a good movie damn it!

6. Jackie Evancho

No clue who this is. She is on America’s Got Talent and she is 10 and she can sing well. Um, well she is 10, so I will feel a little weird making fun of her. I try to keep all sexual advances and all slighting remarks to people at least old enough to see an R-rated movie by themselves. So Jackie gets a pass. Eh, fuck that. She’s 10? I bet she annoys the shit out of her parents, am I right? Kids are so annoying. She is in 3rd or 4th grade, right? She’s probably just learning about science and history. Did you know that salt is really sodium-chlor… sodium-chloriii… Yeah! Sodium Cholride! I know! I’m a grown ass man. I know what it is and you really don’t ever need to know what it is unless you become a sexy scientist. Did you know that Christopher Columbus discovered America in 14- Yes! Yes I did know that. What I also know, is that he didn’t discover America. You’ll find that out too. They’ll teach you he discovered this place and then a minute later the Pilgrims came over and made Thanksgiving, but all of that is lies. LIES! The dude didn’t even touch foot on American soil. And they all were a bunch of genocidal murderers anyway. Life is bleak and history is soaked in the blood of the weak. Get used to it kid.

Jackie does have a lovely singing voice.

7. Windows Mobile Phones

Windows for mobile phones? Or is Windows meaning Microsoft making a mobile phone? I bought an iphone last year hoping that would be the end of my involvement with “smart phones”. I hate that there are 600 smart phones out there and I’m constantly being peppered by new ones. I don’t care! I just wanted a phone that worked with good reception. Now I’m supposed to want a sleek and sexy phone that can take Louvre quality photos, email, text, streaming blu-ray quality movies, make me laugh and cry, play games on, work as a stereo, find me a girlfriend and whether it actually makes phone calls is really trivial at this point.

I did download the Netflix app on my iphone. It is pretty amazing that I could watch La Bamba in HD on my cell phone, but I really don’t know how/when that will come into play in my life. I guess it is cool that that is an option. I’m also of the opinion that with all this garbage of downloading apps, streaming videos, playing videogames, texting, emailing, surfing the internet and blah blah blah is the reason why my cell phone has 70% chance of dropping any call over 10 minutes.

8. Michael Douglas

Michael Douglas has throat cancer in stage 4. I didn’t know Michael Douglas had throat cancer in stage 1, 2 or 3. How many stages are there? Hopefully a million because Michael Douglas is a good actor and I enjoy a lot of his movies. If you haven’t seen the movie Wonder Boys then you are currently wasting your life. I sincerely mean that because with all that I know about people and what people like in movies – Wonder Boys has a lot of it. Great movie. Witty dialogue, fast pace, liberal smoking of marijuana, gays, people dabbling in being gay, guns, smart people, hot college age chicks who act older than they are making it ok that Michael Douglas is banging them, Robert Downey Jr.

I will say that Wall Street 2 with Shia will suck a big dick. That’s right. I couldn’t think of anything too clever for that one. A big hairy dick that smells funny. Like cabbage and sweat. Shia is the reason why that movie will suck. Also, Oliver Stone being a fucking moron will be the reason too. Also, because no one asked for a sequel nor did anyone wonder about a sequel and then 100 years later one just happens and it is with Shia and it will suck this nasty ass dick.

9. Retirement Planners

OLD PEOPLE! Or young people who just hate their jobs so much they are actively planning out how many days and hours they have to actually work to secure their retirement. I don’t even know what my plan is for Labor day weekend, let alone what my plan is for where I’m moving in a couple months, let alone what I want to do for the rest of my life, let alone retirement. So, this bores me to tears.

10. Hurricane Evacuation

EARL!!!!!!!! I bet $1000 to no one because I can’t really part with $1000 if I’m wrong that Hurricane Earl doesn’t effect any of the people who have made this topic trend. We love hyping up weather in this country. So, Earl is most likely not going to do a thing to the North East of the US. Maybe some rain and wind as if that has never happened before in the history of the United States. AHHH IT IS WATER FALLING FROM THE SKY!!!!!

So, that’s that.

Questions for Friday. Comments for any day. Labor day plans. ANYTHING!