April 8, 2010
The Runaways vs. Clash of the Titans
Clash of the Runaways
The Runaway Titans
The Ruclawashys of the TITANAWAYS!
Besides rubbing elbows, and some other body parts AM I RIGHT!?!, with crazy homeless alien jazz musicians and drunk chicks with potty mouths this weekend – I viewed two films with both my EYES and EARS! Las peliculas son The Runaways y Clash of the Titans!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AND THEY WERE MAGNIFICENT!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! MY BRAIN IS ON FIRE!!!!!!!! THE COMPETITION!!! THE EMOTION!!! THE SWORD FIGHTS!!! THE MYTHICAL BEASTS!!! THE YOUNG GIRLS WITHOUT MUCH CLOTHES!!!! AHHH!!!!!
My inner-monologue right now is going crazy. This potent cocktail mix is one part large iced coffee that I chugged, one part annoying conversation from co-morkers, and one part “AGGRESSIVE THURSDAY”! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! SHUT UP CO-MORKERS!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I’m using my hands to create a golden spire of comedy out of this malleable blank word document page!!! SHUT!!! UP!!!
To be transparent for a moment — it is 9:53 am. I will not be able to write until this FUCKING CONVERSATION ENDS!!!! It is 9:56 am and I’m back. I feel like I can’t breathe when someone is having a conversation that I can’t stand. Probably because if I allowed myself to breathe I would yell, “THIS IS THE MOST BORING CONVERSATION EVER! ISN’T THERE A BORING CONFERENCE ROOM YOU COULD HAVE YOUR COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY BORING CONVERSATION IN!?!”
I did see The Runaways and Clash of the Titans. They were not magnificent. That was a little hyperbolic. They were both entertaining and I’m glad I saw them. Today, I will set your intrigue level even higher by drawing the vivid parallels between both films. But if you are looking for the short answer on whether you should see these movies or not given the opportunity: yes, you should see them.
Little bit longer answer: if you do want to see these two movies already then you should see them. If you have wild expectations for these movies like they will redefine what you know as truth, morality and justice then don’t see these movies. Never see those movies. Your expectations for a movie need to be comparable to what the actual movie is. Don’t expect Clash of the Titans to give you a good Forrest Gump-everything-in-the-world-is-beautiful-even-when-it-is-simplisitc-and-sad-and-we-all-should-love-each-other-with-the-small-amount-of-time-we-have cry, because that will not happen. You should see Clash of the Titans if you want to see a giant sea monster. That’s about it. If you are not into seeing a giant sea monster then DON’T FUCKING SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE!!! So, if you have a sane set of expectations for these two movies and you still want to see them then go see them.
A lot longer answer: Kristen Stewart kisses Dakota Fanning!!!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!! Kristen also kisses some other chick just for the hell of it. Seriously, that does happen. Both movies are quite entertaining and both have some “remarkable” “similarities”. I’m not saying that the Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning all girl rock and roll 80’s movie is the exact same movie as Sam Worthington’s war against the Greek Gods movie. But what I’m presupposing is – what if they are?
Exhibit A: Bad News Bears
The Runaways and Clash of the Titans are focused around the journey of two groups of misfits taking on an insurmountable opposition. In The Runaways, our merry band of hot teen chick actors play a merry band of hot teen chick musicians – pretty good, right? Their mission is to form the first ever successful all girl rock and roll band. There is Dakota Fanning as the platinum blonde bombshell lead singer. Kristen Stewart is the oil black guitarist with mystique and throaty vocals. Stella Maeve is the sun kissed beach bodied drummer. Scout Taylor-Compton is the slick soloing guitarist who has boobs. And Alia Shawkat is the bassist who also has boobs.
The breakdown of the movie is pretty much Dakota, Kristen, Michael Shannon as the band manager (I’ll talk about him later). The actor with the fourth most screen time is probably Riley Keough who plays Dakota’s older sister- she is excellent looking as well. The rest of The Runaways have little to do besides look like attractive young ladies who play instruments. Stella Maeve has a few lines early on, but disappears as the movie continues. Scout Taylor-Compton has a couple lines, which feel like they are only in there so the other characters can respond, “Shut up, Lita Ford” just so they can remind people Lita Ford was also in The Runaways. And lastly, Alia Shawkat from Arrested Development fame is funnily enough playing a fictional character named “Robin” since the real bassist, Jackie Fox, I guess wouldn’t sign off on this movie. I honestly don’t remember hearing Alia say anything in the movie. So Stella, Scout and Alia are background eye candy for the most part.
Clash of the Titans also features a merry band of merry bandsmen who appear to be polar opposites on the surface, but really they all are big softies who kiss and hug and read each other bedtime stories. FAGS! Just joking. Sam Worthington is the EM-EFF-ING M-A-N in blockbuster action movies right now. You may recall Sam was in Terminator: Salvation, Avatar and, now, Clash of the Titans. I enjoyed all three of these movies. I think Terminator is my favorite of the three. I know a lot of people did not like that movie, but a lot of people are fucking stupid and those two categories overlap nicely. I think Clash of the Titans has more replay value than Avatar since a lot of Avatar is based around “surprise” and “revelation”. It is supposed to be mystifying the first time you see “Pandora” or the “Na’vi” et cetera and this becomes less mystifying with additional viewings or I’m guessing it will – I really don’t care if I ever see Avatar again and I enjoyed it.
Sam plays balls confidence and furiously angry Perseus. Sam is the front man of this group of vengeful marauders and Dakota is the front woman for The Runaways. So, Sam is Dakota. And Dakota was in a movie called I Am Sam. AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! THE UNIVERSE IS IMPLODING!!!!! Sam’s second in command is his no nonsense and conservative voice of reason Mads Mikkelsen aka Draco. Mads is fine as the straight talk express right hand man, but for the ladies they kind of lose out. Mads is a handsome man (voted best looking Dane, I believe) and in this movie he looks like he attends every Phish concert ever. Anyway, Sam and Mads are accompanied by several other men in leather skirts, sweaty muscles and sharp edged weapons. Very similar to The Runaways, most of these guys do not have many lines. They are pretty much just standing around or randomly swinging a sword as eye candy. Especially this sexy ass motherfucker:
Exhibit B: Grumpy Old Men
Besides scantily clad females — OH MY FUCKING GOD! THESE CO-MORKERS ARE TALKING AGAIN!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!! WHY CAN’T THEY JUST NOT TALK!?! — They stopped. Where was I? Oh right, “scantily clad females”. This movie is more or less Dakota Fanning’s sexual coming out party. She parades around in almost nothing for a lot of the movie. She also engages in sex and so forth. She does a great job with all of it considering this Cherie Currie character is completely different than anything else she has played. Nevertheless, the one actor who steals all scenes he is in is Michael Shannon as band manager Kim Fowley.
Michael Shannon really kills it in pretty much every scene he is in. This “exhibit” title is a little deceiving because Michael is only 36 years old, but in comparison to his jailbait co-stars he is ancient. Shannon plays Fowley as a angry, sexual, near violent, manipulative and at the same time oddly intellectually nurturing band manager. There are several reoccurring band practice scenes where Shannon as Fowley gets a chance to really show off with an over-the-top, but in your face performance each time. Ostensibly, he is a very opinionated, aggressive and colorful man who is 20 years older than these recently lost their innocence teen girls who want to play in a band together. He is barking at them to be sexier, to be tougher, to think with their cocks. They are definitely crowd pleasing scenes. And at the same time, Shannon is the constant throughout the movie. He has seen the lure of rock and roll life before where as Kristen, Dakota and the rest of the girls have not. He is the constant ushering us through.
The “grumpy old men” who do the same for Clash of the Titans are Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes. At 57 and 47 respectively, neither is “50 over 60 list” old, but slap on an unnecessarily long beard and wig and they certainly look the part. Liam Neeson plays Zeus and Ralph Fiennes plays Hades. Fowley in The Runaways is part older good guy and part older bad guy, Zeus and Hades are that together. It seems like nowadays if Fiennes is in a movie then he is the archetypal epitome of evil incarnate and that doesn’t change much in this movie. Hades is the bad guy. He is the mastermind of the whole ordeal. If you think this is a spoiler than you’re an idiot – LOOK AT THE GUY!
All in black, his voice is decrepit, he has a hunchback and he shoots fire! These are generally all bad guy territory. Lord of the Underworld? That usually does not appear on the resume of your “hero”. Zeus, on the other hand, is a little more complex. He is good, but is swayed to do bad things. Hey, nobody is perfect – even the most powerful God in the world. Both Fiennes and Neeson give very dramatic and almost Broadway stage style performances. They’re pretty cheesy and magnanimous, but how else would you expect “Gods” to act. “Hey there Zeus, it’s Apollo. I just wanted to see if you wanted to watch last night’s Gossip Girl? I DVRed it. It’s kind of a guilty pleasure of mine. So give me a ring back on my cell phone when you get this. Or you can text me. I, the Sun God Apollo, love texting. Latez!”
Zeus doesn’t know how to text! He only knows how to make proclamations! And, shoot lightning bolts and be a God and stuff.
Exhibit C: Godzilla ; Jaws ; King Kong ; Snakes on a Plane
Let’s stop bullshitting around for a minute. Everyone is seeing each of these movies respectively for one thing:
For Clash of the Titans it is the KRAKEN!!
For The Runways it is the WANT!!
People go see monster movies for the fucking monster. You watch Jaws to see the damn shark. You watch Godzilla to see GODZILLA! You watch Snakes on a Plane because it the greatest waste of time EVER! I like Jack Black a lot. I like Naomi Watts a lot. There are times when I like Adrian Brody. But I saw that movie because motherfucking KING KONG was in it. King Kong, bitches! And that is the same logic for these two movies.
The Kraken is an unstoppable hellish creation of size, weight, teeth, tentacles, and destruction whose power is so great it scares the Gods shitless.
The Want is an unstoppable, unflinching, unblinking, never ending, boner creating, orgasm delivering, sex flush painting, heavy breathed fuck whisper deep in your … ear drum that owns all of your souls and you love it.
So if you get tired of the early summer heat this weekend then go see these movies.
And the Want would fuck the Kraken rotten – if you were wondering.
February 18, 2010
… errrr Utah. I thought I read they were in Canada, but they are not. Whatever. The jokes are still funny.
I was looking for pictures of Kristen Stewart and of Kristen Stewart wanting IT like I do. They are the exact same thing, but sometimes I am not looking for a picture of her wanting IT specifically. Other times, I’m just looking for a picture of her in it. Maybe a picture of her looking to the left or a picture of her from a particular movie. It just so happens that she wants IT in all of those pictures. She is wanting IT to the left, she is wanting IT in some movie, she is wanting IT and there is a puppy in the photo.
This morning I was looking for a few recent pictures of Her wanting IT and I found a gallery for The Runaways premiere in some city in Canada. All the cities are the same in Canada: cold, bland, slightly European looking, made of Legos. The gallery had 60 pictures with Kristen Stewart in them. I started right clicking and saving the pictures and I saved 24 of I think the first 25. I had to stop. They should just have a “bulk save” feature for people like me who find all Kristen Stewart pictures hysterical because she truly does want IT in everyone of them and for people who stalk her. Really the “bulk save” would come in handy for myself and stalkers who create sacrificial shrines dedicated to Kristen Stewart in their parents’ basements.
Mo’ funny, Mo’ funny, Mo’ funny
Kristen Stewart wants IT.
Kristen Stewart (KS) – I want IT. I want IT serious though. I seriously want IT always, but right now my want is serious. I seriously want IT serious. This movie is dramatic and I’m the dark one of the bunch, so I can’t smile and let my want spill onto the world like a rainbow waterfall. A rainbowfall. A river composed entirely of liquid rainbows. A rainbow river whose source is a huge glacier of frozen rainbows way up where Santa lives. Because of global warming this rainbow glacier has been slowly melting causing the flooding of rainbow rivers. These rainbow rivers have taken over more territory and now have reached cliff faces thus creating the rainbowfalls. I’m just saying I want IT a lot, but I have to be serious about it.
KS – Oh no, I’m just playing with my hair. I’m just going to run my hands through my hair. No one pay attention to me wanting the shit out of whatever is to my left. Nope, I’m just casually running my fingers through my hair. Dakota? Nope, I haven’t noticed Dakota way over there to my left. Nope, not at all.
KS – What? Really? You want me to take a billion pictures with Dakota Fanning!?! I want IT! I love Dakota! I feel so lonely out here by my elfen lonesome. We’re in Canada and I’m cold. They told me not to smile. My smile’s want could power all the electricity needs in Cold War era Russia. It would be so great if Dakota was with me. I was lying before when I said I didn’t notice her over there. I want her over here.
KS – I want IT.
Dakota Fanning (DF) – I’m learning how to want IT. I’m more of a forbidden fruit element. Jailbait want where maybe you are projecting your own want onto me because you know that it is illegal and illegal things are the best.
KS – Dakota, why aren’t you wanting IT where I’m wanting IT?
DF – I thought you said something about “crossing the streams”. We’re not fighting Gozer.
KS – I have taught you well.
KS – She’s my bitch. I’m just saying. If you were wondering. If there was a situation where both of lost all of our money and needed to turn to alternate careers like selling our bodies for money – she’s my bitch. I’m the pimp and she is my bottom bitch. We’ve been watching a lot of Pimps Up Hoes Down repeats. It is on HBO OnDemand. Screw the Olympics.
DF – Winter Olympics pfffft. More like Schminter Schmolympics.
KS – Good one. NBC will think twice before messing with us and our sarcasm.
DF – I’m wearing black gloves.
KS – I did not notice that until you said it. And/or Jordan didn’t notice that until he saw this picture and he is making me say this because he felt like pointing it out.
DF – I want Jordan to write and direct my next movie.
KS – I want Jordan to do so as well and I want him to be my agent because my current agent needs to be fired.
KS – What are you looking at?
DF – I thought I saw something like a cat. Like a cat wearing boots. Like a cat on top of that building over there wearing boots and it was playing a little flute and there were all these little mice following it. I thought I saw that and I was thinking that I want chocolate and peanut butter puffs cereal right now. I want IT now.
KS – I shouldn’t have hot boxed the limo with you in it on the drive over here. You are so high right now.
DF – I’m not high. I’m just…
DF – Ok, I’m high.
KS – Shhhh… you’re going to get us… Well nothing. It’s legal in Canada, right? Isn’t it?
DF – Isn’t what?
KS – Pot legal in Canada. We could smoke it on the streets even if we don’t have cancer or eye problems.
DF – I was taught in High School, because I’m currently still in High School, that everything is legal in Canada. This “country” is make believe.
KS – Yeah, that makes sense. Pot is legal in “Candy Land”. Or at least that is how I play it.
DF – I could eat so much candy right now!
DF – I love you, Kristen Stewart. I love you like I love candy and cereal that can be eaten as a dessert. I love horsies too. I love you like horsies, but I’m not afraid you will kick me and kill me if I stand behind you. But I am worried that you will one day shiv me if you think I’m trying to steal Rob away from you like you did to those three girls in Santa Monica that one night.
KS – I thought we agreed to never talk about that.
DF – I did agree. And we’re not. My brain fuzzy from all the smoke. I’m in a fog right now. My young and innocent mind has been corrupted by your endless want and marijuana. But I love you.
KS – Good. Dakota, you should look back at the cameras before they start thinking we’re a couple. I have already had enough tabloid stories involving me being pregnant and/or lesbian with Nikki Reed.
DF – It’s just the want. It draws me. It’s like a gravitational force.
KS – What are you looking at Dakota?
DF – I’m not really looking at anything outside. I’m actually trying to look like I’m looking at something because really I’m looking inside my own mind.
KS – And what are you looking for in there?
DF – Mystical creatures like unicorns.
KS – I am over unicorns and narwahls. I want a new creature. I’m tired of these single horned creatures. They’re a bunch of pussies anyway. I want a multihorned creature or a creature with a big sheild on its head that breaks the unicorn or narwahls horn when it trys to attack before it runs away like the pussy it is. I want a bi-pedal stegasaurus with a rounded armor plated head that just headbutts the shit out of the unicorn and narwahl. It could have fingers and thumbs like a human-
DF – I could paint its fingernails.
KS – So it could wield an axe, no a HAMMER. A big double sided war hammer. It would dominate those stupid single horned creatures. The spikey armor on its back would shine in the sun light as it rides a stupid unicorn after it breaks its horn. It could ride a narwahl too. It could break its horn and then ride it through the Atlantic Ocean. Its reptile dinosaur skin would glisten in the salt water.
DF – You’re high.
KS – Why is it we never look in the same direction?
DF – I don’t know. I think something bad would happen if we do.
KS – Did you ever see that movie Thirteen?
DF – No. I wasn’t allowed to.
KS – Well, there is this one scene where Evan and Nikki choose this guy and they start… Yeah, bad stuff does happen when we look in the same direction.
KS – What was it like to kiss Dakota Fanning? Is that what you asked? Really? Really!?! Is that what we’re asking now? And what “news” organization are you from? Oh, ok. Yeah, I’ll answer the question. But I didn’t just kiss Dakota Fanning – I fucked the shit out of this broad! Yeah that’s right! You perv! You fucking perv! I said it! Quote me motherfucker! Quote me for your “news” website. Punk ass bitch! Punk ass bitch! Write it down! Write it down! Sucka ass bitch! Hunh!?! Come at me, bro! Come at me! Don’t you stand up for him! Fuck that guy, right Dakota?
DF – Yes, whatever you say Kristen Stewart.
KS – That’s right! She’s my bottom bitch, you garbage ass motherfuckers.
KS – Look at him. He’s still crying.
DF – You scare me Kristen Stewart, in a good way. It’s like if I was dating Charles Oakley. You are so strong and fearsome. You’re like a panther. A 6’9″ 260 pound panther who walks on two legs and has a gambling problem and dishes out its own brand of street justice and wants IT. That’s how Charles Oakley and you are.
KS – Do you see what I did to that guy, Joan Jett? He pissed his pants. Weed makes me aggressive sometimes. Well weed and the fifth of Jack Daniels I had in the car ride over.
DF – Look Kristen! I want IT. I’m wanting IT right now.
KS – Do you see that guy, Joan? Joan? Are these wax statues of the real Runaways or what?
KS – Oh they moved. I guess they are real.
DF – I’m still wanting IT. Look at me darn it. Look at me Kristen Stewart. I’m wanting the sugar out of this camera.
KS – Joan, are you alive?
Joan Jett (JJ) – Yes, I’m alive. Cherie isn’t. That is an anamotronic doll James Cameron lent out to us. He is a pretty nice guy since he has more money than God.
KS – I think I’m going to wait until that guy is back to being calm and then-
JJ – Slit his throat.
KS – I was going to say “pants him” in front of all the cameras.
JJ – That’s a good plan too.
DF – You two are completely missing me wanting IT. I don’t have the want stamina yet, so I’m starting to fade.
DF – Now I’m just happy. I’m not even wanting it anymore.
JJ – Do you think that if I flash some tit or say something outrageous about putting my or your pussy on things that the media will care about me again? Maybe a paparazzi camera could wait outside my house. That would be nice.
KS – I want IT. You want to see want, Dakota. I fucking want IT. I look like I’m about to dry fuck the lens of the camera. I look like I’m about to snap and rip Joan Jett’s throat out with my fingers ala Patrick Swayze in Road House.
DF – That cat is back. I want that cat. I want that cat, the boots, the mice so bad.
JJ – Maybe just a paparazzi camera man follows me to my car. Maybe a TMZ guy just for an hour stalks me one night. I’ll leave a window open by the porch. How abou that? Just meet me halfway. I’m lonely.
KS – Ugh, I’m over this. I want another person to ask a stupid question. Anyone. How about one of those The View broads? I’d cut those bitches in half right now.
KS – You could be my bitch too. I’m not saying you could be a top earner like Dakota, but I think you could do really well in my stable. You would be going for more of a niche market. Guys like something a little older, a little tougher, maybe a woman who will smack them around a little. Are you into doing chicks? I think you would make a killing in that market. You’re older and have more miles on you than that one chick from the L-Word, but I think it can work. That girl was having sex with every woman ever on that show. I’m not sure why. She’s cute and all, but she looks more like she would play back-up guitar for The Strokes. And I don’t mean a female back-up guitarist either.
JJ – What the hell are you talking about?
KS – Don’t give me any back talk. Or you may get slapped.
JJ - I’m sorry.
KS – That’s better.
KS – Michael, you’re huge.
DF – That’s what she said.
Michael Shannon (MS) – I don’t know about huge. I’m 6’3″. That is definitely tall, but-
KS – You’re maybe 8 feet tall. You’re the biggest man I have ever seen.
DF – That’s what she said.
MS – It’s just you’re all about mid 5′s and I’m just under a foot taller than that, so it’s really not that-
KS – You’re like Gandalf to us a series of thin and sexy hobbits.
DF – Show us your staff, Gandalf. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
MS – Is there anyway I can leave. I really don’t think anyone-
KS – You should play organized professional basketball for the New York Knicks.
MS – I’m really not that tall. You’re-
KS – You and David Lee would be the great white hopes that save the New York Knickerbockers from another year of obscurity. The All-Star break just happened, so I’m pretty sure you two could really make a run for the playoffs.
MS – I have never played basketba-
KS – David Lee is a guaranteed double double and I think with your massive-
DF – That’s what-
KS - I didn’t finish yet.
MS – That’s what she said.
DF – Darn it. That was a good one.
KS – You should save your energy telling jokes and spend it on the court winning an NBA Championship for the greatest city in the world.
DF – I love answering questions. They’re the funnest. I love the cameras. I love hangin out with Kristen Stewart. I want to be in all the movies she is in from now on.
KS – Hey, ET bitch, keep talking. Yeah, keep talking because I’mmabout to break your fucking nose. You want to know about my family and their supposed wolves? I’ll tell you all about it after I put you in the damn hospital!
DF – And Kristen is so funny!
I have nothing for Kristen and Dakota to say. I do think this looks like a press conference shot from maybe the greatest sex scandal or homicidal killing spree ever. Imagine these two like a wild Manson family, Bonnie & Clyde duo. I would watch that movie. Them in a band? Whatever.
Let’s remake Natural Born Killers. This time we’ll make it good as opposed to being horribly overrated and terrible. That’s the first part of the remake. Second part is these two are the leads.
Also, I love this picture. Why can’t someone put this ^^^ in a movie? You know? She has personality. She has the quirky comedy look already. Why can’t a single fucking director put that into a movie? TAKE THIS^^^ and put it in a movie. I don’t want to see Kristen Stewart chasing vampires or digging holes in the woods. I don’t want to see Kristen Stewart mellow dramatically working at an amusement park acting like she is 50 years old and at the end of her rope. I don’t want to see Kristen Stewart playing some lethargic leg bruise having chick. PUT THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ in a damn movie. How difficult could that be!?! Seriously, they do it all the time with other actors — look at Zooey Deschanel.
It would be so nice if she was in a good movie.
Sadly, I don’t expect it is happening this year. *wah wah*