U Can’t Touch Paul Pierce – Literally

Last night, the Boston Celtics played the New York Knicks in New York City.

These two teams are professional BASKETBALL teams if you are unfamiliar. In all likelihood you should know both of these teams’ names because they are two of the most storied franchises in the NBA. But it would be understandable if you thought that the New York Knicks had dissolved their franchise because if you have watched a game of theirs between when “Zeus” aka Patrick Ewing left and this season then you should have just pretended like they didn’t exist anymore.

Either way, the Boston Celtics are perennial favorites in the NBA since they arranged several years ago the “Big Three” – Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett. So they’ve been good.

The Knicks have been surprisingly good this year. Being led by Amar’e Stoudemire and with the help of the young buck Landry Fields they are having a nice little season right now.

We are insanely early in the NBA season. The playoffs which are a beast unto themselves doesn’t start until I believe April and that doesn’t end until around my birthday in mid-June. So, wees gots aways before any of this really matters.

Nevertheless, for a basketball fan in the New York area – there hasn’t been anything to cheer about in a long long while and last night the rival Boston Celtics came to town to play at Madison Square Garden and the Knicks were up for the challenge.

Sadly to say, the Knicks lost. It happens. They lost by a buzzer beating shot by one of the Celtics’ Big Three in Paul Pierce.

So, I don’t want to focus on the Knicks losing – although I am mildly numb to that at this point – I would like to focus on what happens after Pierce stabs all Knicks fans in the face with that final shot.

0:00 – 0:06 = Everything is going as expected. Paul Pierce drains the shot and runs off screen to the right. Nothing weird has happened yet. If you are surprised about the white guy on the court for the Knicks – he’s European, so…

0:07 – 0:08 = Ok! What the fuck is going on here? When we enter the frame it appears that Nate Robinson is forcefully slamming his head into the basketball court by missing a flying body press off the top rope. Between one second and another Nate Robinson did “something” and in that something he piledrove his head into the Madison Square Garden court.

0:09 = Oh and he’s up. Like a ninja turtle, Nate Robinson is back to his feet.

0:10 – 0:19 = Seems like a pretty standard victory lap by Pierce. Nothing to weird to report. It ends with a nice jumping pelvic thrust to jumping pelvic thrust maneuver with friends exactly as all running should end.

0:20 – 0:23 = Some rough housing going on again with Nate Robinson. Seems like Nate can’t keep his body off of Pierce. It’s like they are magnetic balls drawn to each other.

0:23 – 0:28 = And that was the security code handshake to victory.

0:29 – 0:39 = Here is the replay of the final shot. Somewhere in the following frames of celluloid we will discover the cause of the mishap where Nate Robinson seemingly tried to end his own career and/or life on the court in MSG. Keep an eye on Nate. He is at the foul line. Soon as the shot goes in he makes a bee line for Paul Pierce.

0:40 – 0:41 = Uhhhh… fair enough. Nate Robinson attacks Paul Pierce with his crotch. Actually, Nate Robinson is so small that he runs to Pierce and jumps and expects Pierce to just catch him and carry him. What gall Nate Robinson has? Am I right? Just because you’re tiny and cute doesn’t mean if you jump onto someone that person is supposed to catch and carry you… actually I immediately change my stance on this. One must catch and carry all small people who jump on them. It’s so cute! But Paul Pierce doesn’t catch Nate. Why doesn’t he catch Nate? Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt because he can’t see into the future and he couldn’t have guessed Nate would do this. Also, his arms are going in a straight 180 degrees down his side, so it would be impossible to catch someone like that.

0:41 – 0:44 = And here is the damning evidence. Nate goes for try number 2 wrongfully thinking the same “benefit of the doubt” that we were just talking about, but in reality Paul Pierce had no intentions of catching Nate Robinson. Let me repeat that. Paul Pierce had NO intentions of catching and carrying little intsy weentsy Nate Robinson. Paul Pierce would rather risk the livelihood, well-being and the future generations of itty bitty Nate Robinsons by not catching Nate and instead do his own celebration. And what is that celebration? Sticking his arms straight down at his sides and running around like a damn idiot. I think this was in a “I’m so cool, u can’t touch me” idea and literally you cannot touch him because he’d rather Nate break his neck than catch him. On the other hand, Pierce pretty skillfully dodges the second attempt like a running back avoiding a would-be tackler.

0:45 – 0:46 = That’s gotta hurt. Not only does it have to hurt that your face slammed into the basketball court through the force of gravity, but it has to hurt your feelings that your “friend” could have prevented this and is now gooning it up like a jackass a few feet from you. Watching this out of context, it looks like professional wrestling and in pro-rasslin’ when a good guy hurts a friend and then poses afterward – that would be a “heel turn”, folks. Paul Pierce is now a bad guy and rolling with the Undertaker and his Ministry of Darkness.

0:46 – 0:52 = Paul Pierce is skating a very thin line between “celebration for a gaming winning shot” to “flamboyant gay man pretending to be an airplane”.

0:53 – 0:58 = That is the look of a man with a guilty conscience.

0:59 = That’s probably the last thing Nate needs – a good ole’ whack to that concussed head.

In conclusion, Paul Pierce is a great basketball player and kind of a schmuck.

Questions for Friday?

Seriously, Am I The Only One Seeing This?

Does Michael Jordan have a Hitler mustache in the new Hanes t-shirt commercial?

Let me reiterate:

Does Michael Jordan have a Hitler

mustache in the new Hanes t-shirt

commercial?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!

I’m not crazy, right? That right there is Michael Jeffrey Jordan with an Adolf Hitler style mustache. The Michael Jordan, who is commonly referred to as “the greatest professional basketball player EVER”, has shaved his facial hair in the style most commonly referred to as a “Hitler” mustache because of the mass murdering psycho path Adolf Hitler!

I’m not seeing things, right? Because I’m pretty sure I’m seeing “Air” Jordan with a square of facial hair above his upper lip, which was made extremely popular by a man who used German hostility from the conclusion of World War I to start a second World War in which he almost accomplished the genocide of the Jewish people of Earth. To be clear, “His Airness” Michael Jordan is in a television commercial with a style of facial hair that the greatest villain of, at the very least, the 20th Century made popular!?!

I can hear the deniers. I can hear some of you saying, “it’s just a shadow”.

BUT IT ISN’T! IT’S A HITLER MUSTACHE!

Why does number 23 have an Adolf Hitler mustache on a national television campaign for t-shirts? I mean not that it would be OK for Michael to have a Hitler stache in private, but in public!?! On TV!!??!! I won’t lie that I’ve grown out beards and in the process of shaving them down to nothing, I have at times stopped at a ‘stache or a goattee or even, I hate to admit it, a “soul patch”. I could see in the privacy of one’s own bathroom sporting a Hitler mustache for a few awkward, but humorous minutes or hours. But to walk around in public with one?

Are we all saying that there wasn’t a producer or a make-up artist that never turned to MJ for a second of honesty and said, “You have a Hitler mustache”? Or did that happen and Michael retorted, “Yes and it is staying.” I can’t believe there wasn’t a Hanes representative who at the very least called into his superiors and told them, “Mr. Jordan just showed up on set and he has a mustache that is remarkably similar to Adolf Hitler’s mustache…. yes, that Adolf Hitler.” Or did that happen as well and the bosses at Hanes responded, “We have no issue with Michael Jordan representing our cotton, tagless, stay flat collar t-shirt company with a Hitler mustache on his face.”

I am thoroughly confused by all of this. I love Michael Jordan. Love him. In fact, I keep a laser engraved Michael Jordan signed baseball on my TV stand.

I love Michael Jordan so much that I honor his career in baseball! That is a lot of love folks. And I just can’t figure out for a second what the hell is going on with Michael Jordan having a Hitler mustache on a Hanes t-shirt commercial. Does Michael Jordan think it is perfectly acceptable for him to groom his own facial hair to make him look as close as possible to Adolf Hitler? Does Michael Jordan look at himself in the mirror and say “Yeah, I can pull off a Hitler mustache. I won 6 NBA championships. I’m justified in any crazy decisions I make about the shaving of the hair that grows out of my face.” Is that what happened?

Or (!) was it that very make-up artist or commercial producer mentioned earlier that thought Michael Jordan would look best with a Hitler mustache for a t-shirt advertisement? Maybe they shaved Michael to a Hitler mustache. Maybe Michael showed up with a full “Brawny Man” beard or a nice “Hulk Hogan” handlebar. And it was someone on set who had the audacity to shave Michael down to a Hitler mustache and leave his greatness unaware of the facial hair taboo on his face. Maybe that happened. Please say that happened.

I honestly have no clue what is going on. I have watched a lot of the NBA playoffs. A lot! And I don’t remember seeing Michael Jeffrey Jordan on the sidelines during the Charlotte Bobcats games against the Orlando Magic with a Hitler mustache. I don’t remember that at all. I think I would remember that. I think that means at some point Michael got rid of the Hitler mustache and is not currently walking around with one.

Nevertheless, Michael Jordan has a Hitler mustache in a Hanes t-shirt commercial forever and ever. How? Seriously, how did this happen?

But I will say, I need some of those Hanes t-shirts! They’re tagless and their collars don’t bunch up? That sounds like Heaven. A Heaven where I haven’t seen Michael Jordan with a Hitler mustache.

We Are Celebrating The Acheivements Of A Historic Man Today

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! YEAH! I’m at work so fuck all of you that are not.

I have two things to say about St. Patrick’s Day and then I will move on to a much more interesting topic which is mathematics and the phenomenal story of Winston Bennett’s sexual encounters with thousands of women.

1. St. Patrick’s Day is on March 17^th because there was a debate whether or not it should be on March 1^st or March 7^th and the compromise was to celebrate it on March 17^th. That is literally what I was taught. I am passing that onto you whether it is true or false. Just saying. It sounds reasonable enough for an island full of potato eating drunks that I hold lineage to. It also sounds more reasonable than saying that William Blackstone, Thomas Acquinas and John Calvin meant more to creating the framework of this country than the fucking man who wrote the framework for this country THOMAS MOTHERFUCKING JEFFERSON!

2. My fondest St. Patrick’s Day was in 2005. I was a Senior at Saint Joseph’s University in Philadelphia, PA. I had no Thursday classes. I promptly woke up at 10:30am. I had to be at what I believe was the former President’s lounge on campus to an interview a professor. At the time, Dawgz, another friend we’ll call Kenneth Cole Snake, and I were making a political documentary. That day we were interviewing one of our favorite professors – Dr. Arnold Farr.

I got to the room around 11am. It was a big room with leather couches, a projector screen and paintings of all the former SJU Presidents or something aka white guys who are dead. I rigged up the projector to play the NCAA Basketball tournament on the far wall. I sat and watched it until Kenneth Cole Snake and Dawgz showed up at 11:30am. Dr. Arnold Farr arrived around 12:30pm. We interviewed him for an hour in which he talked on a host of subjects raging from radical historicism, symbolic representation, failure of the Democratic party in the 2004 election, the voting practices of the South mirroring racism, growing up in the South (he is from South Carolina), and hope for the future.

Afterwards, we walked over to the local SJU bar, The Muddy Duck, and proceeded to drink Yuengling. They did not serve Guinness because they were the shittiest bar ever, but they were our shittiest bar ever. Friends joined us and we drank for several hours at the Duck. Around 3pm, we went down the block to Larry’s (a cheesesteak, pizza, sandwich place) and got some food. We returned to The Duck. We drank. We left the duck around 5pm. Went to a friend’s apartment. Drank there. Around 8pm went back to the Duck with Guinness cans stuffed in our pockets. Smuggled them in. Drank them and then drank whatever else until 1-2 am. During that time all of the SJU drinking class showed up at the bar for some period of time. It was jam packed, dirty, loud and somehow overpriced as usual. At some point, I DDTed a friend onto the pool table (sorry Dave).

I made it back to my apartment drunk as can be. Passed out. And most likely didn’t go to class on Friday. That’s about the best one I can remember.

Now… The REAL topic…

Winston George Bennett III

 

Until yesterday, I had never heard of Winston Bennett. I did not know Winston was born and raised in Louisville, Kentucky. I did not know he was named “Mr. Basketball” in the state of Kentucky in 1983. I did not know about Winston Bennett playing for the University of Kentucky. I did not know that he led the Wildcats to the Final Four and to the Sweet Sixteen finishes in two respective seasons. I did not know anything about the collegiate basketball awards Winston Bennett won. I did not know he was drafted by the Cleveland Cavaliers. I did not know he was a bust in the NBA and only played for 3 seasons. I didn’t know about him returning to the University of Kentucky to be an assistant coach. I didn’t know he was apart of Kentucky’s NCAA Tournament Championship team in 1996. I didn’t know he followed Rick Pitino to the NBA as an assistant coach for the Boston Celtics. I didn’t know about him being named the head coach of Kentucky State University in 2000. And I didn’t know that Winston Bennett was currently the head coach for a school named Mid-Continent University. I didn’t even know there was a Mid-Continent University.

I will admit I did not know any of these things about Winston George Bennett III. I do now. And the reason I do is because of one amazing thing Winston George Bennett III did: HE HAD SEX WITH EVERY WOMAN! Or pretty fucking close.

Yesterday, there was an article/interview on The Huffington Post with Mr. Bennett where he revealed that he was a sex addict:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/16/winston-bennett-sex-addic_n_500970.html

Bennett claims that when he was single he averaged having sex with 90 different women a month. Yes, you read that correctly. That was 90 as in NINETY as in a nine with a zero after it. As in count how many fingers you have – should be 10 unless you are a FREAK – and then multiply that by 9. Now replace those 90 fingers with 90 different skanky ass women having sex with professional basketball marginal footnote Winston Bennett. I know that Wilt Chamberlain said he had sex with 20,000 women which is insanity, but he was one of the greatest basketball players ever. I didn’t even know Bennett existed and I love basketball. So this is kind of crazier.

As you can guess, I now love Winston George Bennett III. He should be elected to the Hall of Fame of Greatest Human Beings Ever alongside Willie “I fought a bear in Japan on film” Williams. Over the course of a month, on average Winston slept with 90 different women which would be roughly 3 a day. THREE different women a day!?! That is ludicrously brilliant. And this is only part of the story. There is so much more amazingness in Winston’s story post playing basketball with his trials and tribulations on and off the court, but today we will only talk about the positive: SEX WITH 3 DIFFERENT WOMEN A DAY!

That was some rudimentary math right there; 90 women a month, there are 30-31 days in a given month is 3 or 2.9 women a day that Winston is having sex with. I would like to continue with this mathematics for … well ever and I will, but let me also establish two other numbers that Winston mentions in this interview: 4 and 45.

4 – The number 4 signifies how many different women Winston Bennett was sleeping with on average every week when he was in HIGH SCHOOL! Winston Bennett was the COOLEST dude in high school.

45 – Winston Bennett had a transformative moment in 1989, he got married. Winston had another transformative moment when he cheated on his wife the very next day after they got married. The number 45 is Winston’s estimate of how many women he slept with in a given month after getting married. And if you are wondering – HE IS STILL MARRIED!

Yes, Winston Bennett and reliable Peggy have been married for over 20 years. She and he are both religious people. Stoic Peggy has been helped by Jesus and religion to stay strong and stay with Winston. Meanwhile, Winston has been “religiously” cheating on her since the moment they met.

Now, is the time for mathematics. NUMBERS!

Winston Bennett graduated from high school in Louisville, Kentucky in 1983. This idea of sleeping with 4 different women a week in high school probably did not start when he was a freshman. Let’s just start with his senior year of high school (1982) because that was the year he was named “Mr. Basketball” in Kentucky – which we all know is a very prestigious and sexy honor.

If he averaged this all year –

52 weeks a year X 4 scandalously slutty women = 208 different freaky deakys.

Let’s assume that this was 1982. In 1982, Winston Bennett finished his junior year in high school and later in the year started his senior year of high school. At some point in 1983, Winston knows that he will begin playing for the University of Kentucky. I think it is very safe to assume this is when the 4 times a week escalates closer to the pinnacle that is 3 different hoes a day.

4 floozies over 7 days becomes 21 floozies over 7 days, which is a 5.25x growth.

None of us assume that this happens over night. Women are easy, but not that easy, am I right? Winston graduates high school in 1983 and starts playing for the Wildcast of Kentucky that same year. He continues to play for the Wildcats until he graduates in 1988. Winston then plays basketball in Italy and for the CBA in 1988, before he begins his short lived NBA career in 1989 – the same year he got married to good ole’ steadfast Peggy.

I am going to make a humble estimate that by 1987 Winston had reached his pinnacle of 3 different harlots a day. Winston would have been 22 years old and I think I am making more than enough of a modest estimate. The man is 6’7” and carries the nickname “Steady Bee” who wouldn’t want to have sloppy seconds or thirds sex with that?

4 years, annual growth of an additional 1.3125x women a week –

In 1982, Winston Bennett had sex with 208 different women.

In 1983, Winston Bennett had sex with 273 different women.

1984, Winston Bennett had sex with 546 women.

1985, Winston Bennett had sex with 819 women.

1986, Winston Bennett had sex with 1092 women.

AHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHHHHHHHH!!!!! I LOVE BEING ALIVE!!!!

And since 52 weeks a year x 7 days = 364 days and there are 365 days a year, we’ll just say that 1987 was when Winston finally began having sex with 1095 or 3 women a day for the full year.

Let’s continue this idea; Winston Bennett had sex with 1095 women in both 1987 and in 1988. Most would assume that Winston’s average of 3 women a day definitely went up when he was playing professional basketball in Italy in 1988. We all know how those hairy European chicks love to bone black guys who play ball from Kentucky. But I will keep these estimates of 3 a day at 3 a day because that is the gospel from Sir Winston Bennett himself.

How does this compare to his stats in college? Winston played from 1983-1988 for the University of Kentucky – that is 5 years. Winston was there for the second half of 1983 and the first half of 1988. While at the University of Kentucky, I estimate Winston George Bennett III had sex with 4236 whores. INCREDIBLE!

Over the 5 seasons that Winston played at UK he played for a total of 133 games for 3713 minutes. So he had sex with 500 more women than minutes he played basketball in college. He did have to be red-shirted for one season which I would assume sucked for him as a basketball player, but I would definitely assume it didn’t stop him from having insane amounts of sex. While at Kentucky he scored 1399 points and grabbed 799 rebounds. Which means for basically every point scored on the court he “scored” with three different women off the court. Or at least we hope off the court. For every rebound he grabbed off the glass he put his penis inside 5.3 different women somewhere on this BEAUTIFUL PLANET!  

If we add it all up, before Winston Bennett played one second of professional basketball for the NBA – he had dogged the shit out of 5128 skanks.

In 1989, Winston Bennett got married to tried and true Peggy. Winston claims that he dropped his average of 90 women a month to 45 a month once married. Everyone has to make sacrifices. I’m not exactly sure when he got married in 1989, but let’s assume they coincide with the NBA for simplicity’s sake. Also, let’s assume that actually playing professional basketball for a professional basketball team in the NBA took up even a little bit of his time because apparently college, college basketball, European basketball and high school basketball, graduating high school and so forth took up none of his time.

At an average of 45 tramps a month for 12 months = 540 hussies.

Winston played in the NBA for 3 years x 540 jezebels = 1620 unbelievable females.

How does this compare to Winston Bennett’s NBA stats? Winston played in 136 games for 2157 minutes. He scored 648 points and 414 rebounds. If we do some division – for every professional basketball point that Winston Bennett scored in a professional basketball game he had sex with 2.5 women. I guess he threw some technically dwarf women in there for the smell of it.

Winston’s most active season was 1989-1990. He played 55 games, scored 338 points, and grabbed 188 rebounds. This means technically that on the 55 days that Winston Bennett played professional basketball he averaged 18 minutes played, 6.1 points and 3.4 rebounds. Meanwhile, on those same 55 days he had sex with about 81.4 women. For every 12 minutes that Winston Bennett actually did his professional job in the NBA that actually can be counted Winston had sex with a different woman. AHHHH!!! This is all so crazy.

So crazy amazing! Oh man! He is the greatest man ever!

I LOVE YOU, WINSTON BENNETT!

Also, if you are wondering – Winston Bennett does admit he had no sliding scale of beauty or looks or anything for the women he had sex with. He just had sex with everything. That right there is a humanitarian. Do you know how many women can say that they had sex with a professional athlete regardless of how much money they made, how fat they are, how ugly they may be, how stupid they are, how completely ridiculous they are —–?????? Oh wait, I do know – 1620!!! HAHAHAHAHAH and that’s just during the actual years he was playing professional basketball!

Just in this stretch of time from junior year of high school to his final season in the NBA, Winston George Bennett III had sex with an estimated 6748 different women.

SIX THOUSAND, SEVEN HUNDRED AND FORTY EIGHT LOVELY WOMEN!

I LOVE AMERICA!