Are We Going To War With Koreans or Klingons?

This seems to be the big burning question going around. Instead of writing about comedy today, I thought I would write an educational post helping explain to the people the current situation the United States is becoming involved in overseas.

This military/political situation is with the peninsula of Korea and not the Klingon planet Qo’noS also known as Kronos .

For most Americans, tomorrow is a day of family. Thanksgiving is a day marked by seeing your family and eating with your family and, one would assume, talking to your family. Misinformation can spread like wildfire in today’s world and I wanted to do my part in this scary time to help you understand what is really at stake.

I have heard a lot of questions being asked about these turbulent times and about Koreans/Klingons, so I will answer the most pertinent ones.

QUESTION #1:

Is the United States of America going to war against North Korea in aiding our ally South Korea?

Or…

Is the United States of America beginning an interstellar war against a fictional race of aliens known as the Klingons?

The answer:

Frankly, we are not going to war with either. Hopefully.

The United States and Korea have already participated in a war together aptly called “The Korean War”. It seems unlikely that a second Korean War will take place. Not that the US is against fighting an enemy twice (read: “The World” in “World War I” and “World War II”). In large part, the actions by both North and South Korea are commonplace. North Korea is kind of the Mayor of Crazytown and they like the world to recognize that title from time to time.

Recently, North Korea showed off a nuclear processing plant, which we didn’t know about the other day. That was unsettling. And then yesterday, they exchanged artillery fire with South Korea. In a lot of ways, this is political theater by the North Koreans. Their longtime leader Kim Jong-il, who you may remember from his tore de force performance in Team America: World Police, recently stepped down and handed over his scepter to his son Kim Jong-un.

Because of this flux in power, the North Koreans feel the need to show off their “toughness” and doing so is shooting randomly at South Korea. In the same way, South Korea feels the need to respond to show they still are tough as well and are not going to stand for bullying from North Korea. The United States is allies with South Korea and that is why they have stepped in. The US has a large military presence in South Korea, but it is truly in everyone’s best interest to settle this politically, which is more or less how situations like this have been solved since the conclusion of the Korean War.

It is a tense situation and hopefully will not go any further, but one never knows.

As for the second part of the question, the United States is not going to war with the Klingon people of the planet Kronos. I repeat, the United States is NOT going to war with the citizens of the planet Kronos. Although they are a war-like people and would probably enjoy a war with the United States to prove, which military has a superior might – this is not transpiring.

Case in point: Klingon’s are not real.

QUESTION #2:

What is the difference between Koreans and Klingons?

Are you sure there is even a difference? Aren’t they the same people and it is just one of those “po-tay-toe” “po-tah-to” situations? You call them Koreans and I call them Klingons.

The answer:

I have heard this being asked a lot. Probably too much. To some, maybe not enough. There are a lot of similarities between Koreans and Klingons – sure. I will not deny that. They both have a proud heritage, their own language, music, government, religious beliefs and traditions that illustrate a beautiful tapestry of shared existence. But they are different.

Koreans are NOT Klingons.

This…

is not the same as this…

The primary difference between Koreans and Klingons, Koreans are in fact very real as opposed to Klingons being purely fictional creations. Besides that there are many other differences. For instance, as mentioned Koreans are from the peninsula of Korea, which is generally speaking separated along the 38th latitudinal parallel. North Korea is a heavily guarded secluded militarily run country where as South Korea is an increasingly liberal democracy that freely participates socially with the rest of the globe, eg: 1988 Summer Olympic Games at South Korea’s capital city Seoul.

On the other hand, Klingons are from the planet Kronos, which is of a green color. It has a heavily tilted axis meaning extreme seasonal changes. It features one land mass and one huge ocean. And the planet’s lone moon, Praxis, was destroyed, which was a major plot point for the movie Star Trek VI: Undiscovered Country.

QUESTION #3:

Why should I care? What have either the Koreans or the Klingons ever done for me?

The answer:

Koreans are a global people who take residence in the US, China, Europe and really all over. Since the mid 20th century, Koreans have become a major part of the great landscape of the US. By recent estimates there are at least 2 million Koreans living in the United States with the largest community centered in Los Angeles. They have given us many beautiful things like “Korean Barbecue” restaurants where one can cook the meat of their own choosing right there at the table, also the excellent films of Park Chan-wook namely his Vengeance Trilogy. Also also, they have given us Ken Jeong and we would live on a lot less funny planet without him.

And there are the beautiful Korean people themselves. They are quite good looking. Besides what different things they seem to come up with in their brains or with their fingertips – the people themselves are quite lovely and as we all know “attractiveness” pretty much trumps everything.

They are so pretty. Their soft features and elegance. I want one. I want a whole host of them. I want a basketball team of these cute Koreans followed by a football team of them and then a soccer team and a mini militia of them and then maybe a couple more as confidants.

As for the Klingons, they are fairly unattractive. They look like a mix of a racist portrayal of a dark skinned minority and a dinosaur. Imagine the “Geico” cavemen on steroids and armed with bladed weapons. Their skin looks eerily similar to the spray-on tan one may see on the Jersey Shore. Their hair is reminiscent of a back-up guitarist for Ratt or Poison or White Snake. Their head itself is rigid and has protruding elements to it that suggest another alien creature might be in their head trying to break out. And let’s be honest with each other for a moment, the very best looking Klingon woman is still a “butterface”.

They are a gruff people. They speak a guttural language that is not soft on the ears. They are a passionate people. They love war and believe in proving oneself in battle. They do share many similarities with Asian warriors of the past known as Samurais. But what have the Klingons done for you? Since they are fictional, not much. They have appeared on Star Trek and its successor shows/movies and I’m sure there is a fetish porn dedicated to Klingons as well. So there is that.

Probably their greatest gift to mankind is as a Halloween costume. It is fun to dress as a Klingon for Halloween. They wear a lot of black, chains, carry weapons, have long hair, crazy foreheads and you get to be a dick to everyone because Klingons kind of act like well-spoken high school jocks played Laurence Olivier. Where as, it is quite insensitive to dress as a Korean for Halloween – I do not suggest doing that.

Last question,

QUESTION #4:

Who wants IT more?

The answer:

Well, that is for you to decide.

IN CONCLUSION:

I hope that we do not have any further military problems in Korea and hope all problems can be handled with diplomacy. I hope that Klingons do not suddenly become real and then attack the planet Earth. Either way, I hope that you show great love to all people including Koreans and Klingons if you are to cross paths with one.

I hope this has helped.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Kristen Stewart veut les nouvelles

About once a week, I will read the “news” headlines from IMDB.com. IMDB is a great website, but their “news” (again in quotes) section is easily the dumbest writing on the internet which is saying a lot. The idiocy is in such high concentration in these “news” stories that it may siphon off IQ points reading them. But this does leave one with an almost light-headed high as if you just did a whippit which is the feeling of getting stupider.

The “news” stories are not “news” nor are they “stories”. Generally, they are some wildly mundane topic like “Kate Winslet Eats Crab Cakes” which is followed by a couple sentences about how Kate ate a crab cake at some point in the past 10 years. This wonderfulness is then verified with a one sentence quote from the celeb like “Oh right, I did eat a crab cake while on a press junket tour for Neverland in 2004.” And then I pantomime shooting myself in the head with a gun full of bullets.

Going through this odd ritual, I have seen a lot of stories about Kristen Stewart or linked to her. Here are a few that I found particularly noteworthy:

Stewart Switches Cars To Avoid Paparazzi

Private Twilight star Kristen Stewart has found a way of avoiding the paparazzi on nights out with friends – she switches cars in underground car parks.

The young star is hounded by eager photographers everywhere she goes and now has to use top espionage manoeuvres to escape them.

She tells Entertainment Weekly magazine, “You go into an underground parking garage and get into another car – and then you can leave. Once I’m away, I’m fine. I can totally go out.”

First, that is not how you spell “maneuvers”.

Second, I will admit this is a step up from Kristen putting on a baseball hat and simply wishing no one will recognize her. But I think “top espionage maneuvers” is a little hyperbolic. Kristen isn’t being tracked by the KGB. She isn’t out there on the frontlines giving the slip to the Secret Service. She is outsmarting the paparazzi, which is Italian for “sniveling simpleton scumbags”.

The main responsibility of the paparazzi is to sit outside hotels or nightclubs waiting for any and all celebrities to show their faces so they can snap some pictures and hopefully provoke that celebrity into attacking them. Not to sound cynical, but you’re not going to mistake any of these people for Rhodes scholars.  

The paparazzi are just unwashed stalkers who carry $1000 cameras and have no discernable talent. They are not even good photographers. I’ve never seen a photo of Cameron Diaz walking her cat and drinking a latte and thought to myself, “Exquisite. The way her arm is bent and picking up the cat poop is a natural sight line that leads back to her exposed thong and creates such wonderful movement in the frame. Whatever genius crafted this work of art give them my card!”

In the above scenario I have business cards. I would like business cards.

Jennie Garth Knows About Robert Pattinson’s Love Life, But Won’t Tell

Jennie Garth knows about the love life of nowadays movie hottie Robert Pattinson, but she won’t let slip if he is dating someone or not. The actress apparently learns about the matter from her husband Peter Facinelli who stars alongside the British actor in last year’s film “Twilight”.

Speaking to reporters at the T.J. Maxx and Save the Children’s Back to School Program last week, Jennie said Peter comes home and tells her things about his co-stars, and Robert is not an exception. Pressed to confirm if Robert is dating, Jennie insisted, “I can’t say. That will be breaking my promise to my husband. But I do know.”

Since earning his fame after starring as Edward Cullen in “Twilight”, Robert Pattinson has been romantically linked to a bunch of females in Hollywood entertainment business. His on-screen lover Kristen Stewart was one of them, but either of them have denied they are dating.

Jennie Garth is a bitch. Peter Facinelli is a tattletale. Celebrity reporters are idiots.

So Jennie Garth is at some charity event for kids and these douche-nozzles are asking her about who Robert Pattinson is screwing. I hope they were really graphic questions all within ear shot of the kids. “Hey Jennie, Jennie Garth, over here. Yeah I’ve got a question. Who is Robert Pattinson putting the wood to these days? Yeah, I was wondering if your gossipy school girl husband tells you any juicy stories about Robert Pattinson banging sluts. Also I think it is great what you and T.J. Maxx are doing for these kids. Stay in school kids so you don’t wind up being an ass wipe like me.”

I hate teases. Jennie playing coy saying she knows, but she’s not telling. Well then shut the fuck up. How about that? Later when Jennie and Peter are having dinner together and she tells him how she teased the reporters, I bet Peter snickers. Actually snickers. Ugh it makes me so furious thinking about that. I hate people who tease and people who snicker. They are the worst. Those people and Nazis are the worst. Also axe murderers, I hate axe murderers. And Shia LaBeouf, he is up there on the “types of people I hate” list.

Stewart Laughs Off Pregnancy Rumours

Twilight star Kristen Stewart was left baffled by a string of recent tabloid rumours which hinted at a possible pregnancy – because they were sparked when she was seen on a movie set with her “pants undone”.

Stewart admits she was stunned when several U.S. tabloids sensationally claimed she was pregnant with her co-star Robert Pattinson’s baby – because they aren’t even dating.

The actress has laughed off the stories and reveals all the rumours were started when she was spotted with a button undone on her jeans.

And Stewart is perplexed by how such a small detail can be so overblown by the tabloid press.

She tells Entertainment Weekly magazine, “It’s so absurd. I walk out of my trailer with my pants undone – and they think I’m pregnant? I mean, really? They think I’m pregnant? Come on! Like, dude, I don’t get it.”

Well said, Kristen Stewart and/or Keanu Reaves from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

So Kristen Stewart exited her trailer with her pants undone and the reporters assumed she was pregnant. That is a leap in logic I would have never made in a 1000 years. If we were playing a game of “scenario boggle” and you said “Kristen Stewart is walking around with her pants undone, write down every possible scenario why this is happening?” I can say in all certainty I would never write down “she’s pregnant”. I may say she’s getting fat or lazy, but I wouldn’t think her pants being undone is because the miracle of life is happening in her tummy.

Who sees a person with their pants undone and immediately assumes they are pregnant? Am I missing something and pregnant chicks can’t button their pants? Hey man, is that chick’s pants undone… she must be pregnant. Honestly my first assumption if I saw some chick with her pants undone is that she just fucked some guy. If I saw Kristen coming out of a trailer with her pants undone I probably would have said “I think Kristen Stewart just got done fucking some dude in that trailer.” And then I would have waited around to see if some sweaty looking guy came out.

I think there is the possibility that Kristen had no direct hand in the unbuttoning of her own pants, it could have been her “want”. This may be hard for you to believe after reading the two (TWO) quantum mechanics articles I wrote last week, but I am not a licensed scientist. I cannot quote you the tensile strength numbers on a pair of pants, but I have a couple scenarios on how her pants could have come undone. Kristen Stewart just wants it so bad that the button popped off her pants or maybe it is too difficult to button her pants because she just wants it so bad. I’m just spitballing ideas here. But I think it is safe to assume that Kristen Stewart’s want could bend metal and/or rip denim.